"When the day has come that I've lost my way around, and the seasons stop and hide beneath the ground, when the sky turns gray, and everything is screaming I will reach inside just to find my heart is beating"
-"Bleeding Out", Imagine Dragons
...
Chapter Four:
The look that overtook my fiancé's face quickly turned from concern for me to surprise, before landing back on concern again. He began to lightly stroke my face.
"Have you seen him yet?"
I sighed wondering if I should fess up to everything that had happened yesterday. I took one long look into his eyes and gave him as much as I thought he could handle. "He kind of crashed the party yesterday…and he showed up at the club last night before you got there."
"What the hell? Why?" Irritation and anger tainted his once calming voice. "Didn't you tell me he hasn't been home in years?"
I nodded holding his palm to my face, hoping to keep him from having some sort of mental freak out.
"I don't really know Mike, but honestly I'm kind of freaking out about it and he's really the last person I wanted to see a week before my wedding."
He pulled me towards him so he could cradle my face between both of his large hands.
"You know nothing and no one is going to keep me from marrying you on Saturday. Just remember that. This douchebag is your past; do not let him ruin your future. Okay?"
Mike was always a man of many eloquent words. While I walked though life stuttering and tongue-tied, relying on paper and ink to get my messages across, he could make a comment on the weather sound like poetry. I took in every word he uttered as if I needed them to survive. My heart swelled. The sooner Saturday got here the better.
"Okay," I could not contain the smile that stretched across my face.
"Let's go." He took my hand and we made our way to the front door.
Like a small child eavesdropping on an adult's conversation, I pressed my ear against the large wooden door.
"Why don't I just go in, get the presents, and we can get out of here, no harm no foul." Mike tugged at my hand, giving me his "you're acting crazy" look.
I ignored both his comment and questioning look. There was no way I was leaving now. I should have known better than to open a can of worms this big, but I proceeded free of caution. I continued to listen for voices or movement in the foyer just beyond the entrance. Once I was positive it was emptied, I proceeded with my suddenly fabricated top-secret mission.
"Clear," I whispered as my fiancé continued to eye me with his worried glances.
"Bella are you sure-" I did not let him finish; I was already pulling him through the door, softly shutting it behind us.
It was silent inside the house, or so it seemed. As we passed the stairs and headed for the sunroom, we stated to hear light chatter coming from the kitchen. I slowly made my way up the stairs leading out of the foyer, being careful to walk on only the tips of my white Keds. I pulled Mike along by the hand like a small child. Just as we reached the entrance of the sunroom, the yelling started.
"I don't understand why this is such a big deal?" That annoyed and irritated voice instantly made me blanche. I had heard Edward yell too many times in my life to ever forget what it sounded like.
"Darling, it's not that we aren't happy to see you, it's just…well." Esme fought to find the right choice of words, a usually unheard of occurrence. Esme always knew the right things to say.
"Bro, what mom is failing to say is that you haven't been home for about a decade. Then you show up unannounced, ruining Bella's bridal shower, without so much as a phone call. I don't really see a reason for this to be a pleasant occasion. Actually I'm pissed off."
Mike and I had frozen just beside the door of the kitchen, eavesdropping on their rather loud conversation that was echoing down the halls and through the house.
"But I did…I talked…God! Does it even matter? Why does everything in this family seem to revolve around her? I'm your son for god's sake. She's…. she's nothing!" I easily could picture his face beat red, his hands yanking furiously at his hair, a pair of burning green eyes darting frantically around the room.
Without meaning to, I let out a shocked gasp. The room just beyond us became instantly quiet. The urge to cry was overwhelming and unexpected. I clamped my free hand to my chest feeling sharp waves of pain rip through me. Mike wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me to him.
"Bella," I heard someone sigh.
Mike quickly unwrapped himself from me as the footsteps of the others got closer. He walked out into the hallway, leaving me to dart out the side door of the room and back into the foyer.
"Michael?" Esme's puzzled voice addressed my fiancé as they came face to face in the hallway. "Is Bella with you?"
I was just about to run out the front door when I saw Mike step out into the hall further with Esme, which brought both into full view of the foyer once they began headed back into the kitchen. Without putting much thought into it, I quickly dashed up the stairs to the second story of the large Cullen house. I threw open the first door my hands touched. This is what it had come to, hiding from my family. His family.
Suddenly I was starting to feel the side effects of forgoing my medication this morning. My legs started to shake so badly I collapsed on the floor by the large bed settled next to the door. Everything from my arms to my knees felt like gelatin, as I clung to the comforter. I let my head roll on to the side of the mattress, wishing this would all just be a bad nightmare I could wake up from. Maybe it was not just the lack of drugs that caused my equilibrium to fail.
I took a deep breath in though my nose. My eyes shot open at the incredibly familiar smell of spearmint body wash and manly musk.
How had it taken me this long to realize that of all the rooms I could pick, I chose his?
Just like him, the room had not changed much. But this was most likely due to the little to nonexistent use of the room since he left.
His walls were still painted a deep blue matching the comforter on the bed. Our prom picture still hung on the wall, in the same shiny silver frame above his dresser. His dried out boutonniere had been tucked into the side of the frame. A tacky dyed blue rose, which matched my navy dress and a sprig or two of white baby's breath.
Out of curiosity and fascination, I mustered the strength to hoist my body onto his mattress. Tracing my fingers along the soft cotton sheets peeking out from under the comforter, I thought back to the days spent in this room, one in particular.
"Oh….Bella," He sighed heavily in my ear, while trying to work to get the clasp of my bra undone.
"Edward?" my voice was small and nervous.
He pulled back slightly to look me in the eyes.
Both our shirts lay on the floor by his bed. His parents were out for the weekend, doing some shopping or other in Seattle. Both Alice and Emmett had gone as well, leaving Edward and me to spend some alone time in the house.
My original intent was to come over and watch a movie. But now 'Troy' lay somewhere among our growing pile of clothes, long forgotten. It stared with a simple hello kiss, but before I could grasp onto what was happening, he had both his and my shirt off, and was now still working on that damn clasp.
My flesh burned and so did other parts of my body that I was not exactly comfortable with, but my blood was frozen. My brain yelled at me to stop, while my heart cried in a corner, sobbing a 'not ready' plea.
"I'm….I don't think I'm….what I mean is…" I got lost in his dark eyes. They were profound pools of liquid green fire. He always got me with those hauntingly persuasive eyes.
"What's wrong Bella?" He licked his lips, eyeing his prize. "Don't you want me?"
He was playing with me now as he began to move his body; mine tightened into a wound coil, waiting to spring free. I felt like I was about to be spilt in two halves.
"Um…yessss!" I hissed into his ear, and he began his battle with the metal clasp again.
No! My subconscious yelled at me, and before I could register it, the words were coming out of my mouth as well.
"No, Edward, I'm not ready. I can't, I'm sorry."
I cried then, I placed my face in his pillow and wailed for what I thought was hours. However, he didn't leave, never moving from where he was laying. He stayed, said kind words, and after a while, we found ourselves in a passionate embrace of kisses.
"I'll wait for you forever Isabella."
Those words haunted me even now, as I shoved my face into that same pillow and let all my built up tears to pour down my face. Though the room was quiet I could still hear the echoing of our hot breaths from years ago.
"You come here often?"
I jumped from my place, almost falling off the bed. Staring at Edward now I could feel that same seven-year hole unravel in my stomach, the one that I had so carefully tried closing up with a few pieces of flimsy tape and a staple or two. I wiped furiously at the tearstains on my cheeks, suddenly feeling very defensive and angry at having him stare at me.
"I'd say no, and that would still be twice as many times as you." I hissed, violently whipping the traitor tears from my wet cheeks as fast as I could. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable sitting on his bed and stood, quickly making my way to the seat underneath the window that I used to love. The tension in the air was so thick you could taste it. Piss and Vinegar, a phrase Charlie used to use came to mind.
It had started raining again; making one almost forget that the sun had ever shone yesterday. I pulled my knees to my chest, watching the fat drops smack against the pane. Fearing I would be crushed by the tears that worked their way up my throat. I clung closer to them.
"And here I thought you were still the same innocent, little girl I met so many years ago. But look at you now." He took a seat on the bed, rubbing the quilt the same way I had, with a sense of longing and remembrance.
"Yes, look at me." I said sharply, not appreciating his mocking tone. I wanted him to see that I wasn't innocent anymore, I wasn't little, and the girl he once knew and tried to ruin was gone.
"I can't seem to stop actually." He said softly, and even from the other side of the room it was as if he had screamed it. I felt the bile turning in my stomach; the ulcers sent a stabbing pain through my abdomen.
"You always did have shit timing Cullen." I snickered, in a frantic attempt to lighten the dense atmosphere. It was beginning to feel like the air around us was compressing.
In our three meetings in the last twenty-four hours, I never seemed to react the same way. Yesterday when I first caught sight of those distinct green orbs my body simply abandoned my mind, not sure what to make of the situation. At the club when I felt the touch of his skin on my own I was revolted and petrified. Today however, or at least at that very moment, I knew I was not going to fly away, I was going to fight. I was going to give back everything that he ever dished out to me. I hoped my reactions gave him whiplash.
"Yes, well I'll be sure not to interrupt your next wedding shower." His snarky attitude irked me to no extent. Same old Edward.
I smiled wildly out the window, "No, this is it for me."
Just thinking of Mike, softened the lump in my belly, and calmed my quivering hands.
"How have you been Bella, really?" He paced his way towards me slowly; until he was sitting before me, plaid shirt, blue jean and a mess of bronze hair. It was senior year all over again. I swallowed the sour taste forming in my mouth and tried to remember my strength. I tore my eyes from his face trying to collect a coherent answer. With any luck I would vomit all over him in the next five minutes.
"I've never been happier." His eyes light up with emotion after emotion Like fireworks, they were there one moment and gone the next.
"That doesn't sound very convincing." He ran his hands through his hair, a tell tale sign of his anxiety. Although he tried to hide behind his humor, I could still see right through the walls he always put in place to keep people from seeing that dead look behind his eyes.
I turned my head to look through the water-streaked glass, ignoring his sass. I found myself pondering how I had come to be holding a conversation with my ex-fiancé in his childhood bedroom.
"How about you Mr. Hotshot, what's up with the great Edward fucking Cullen?" Now who's being snarky?
A dark chuckle cracked through his shiny white teeth, I found it hard to look at. That smile reminded me of a sneer that used to play upon the same mouth.
"Same old Bella, you can take the girl out of Forks, but you can't take the Forks out of the girl. How does your fiancé like that smart ass mouth of yours?" That wicked grin fueled the fire growing behind my eyes.
I see how this game is going to work. Unfolding my knees from my chest and crossing them underneath me, I leaned in closer to his face. His overwhelming scent slaps my square in the jaw. It was the same spearmint and musk that lingered on the bed, but immensely more potent. My eyes grew colder, my body more ridge. He doesn't back down, sporting those same icy eyes and tough exterior.
"I don't know Eddie, how does anyone tolerate yours?" I mocked.
I watched in wonder and fear as his hands balled into fists at his side. His lips pulled back over his impeccable teeth and a low snarl escaped from his chest. I had heard it once before and the sound silenced the room. Before either of us could throw each other out the window, the door to his bedroom flew open.
"Edward!" Carlisle and Emmett screeched, storming into the room. I leaned back with a cool smile on my face, his eyes never leaving mine, feeling like I had won this little battle.
"Bella, there you are." Mike sighed in relief, making his way over to me. He kept a stern glare focused on Edward. "You look pale, did you take your medication this afternoon?" I got up and made my way over to him. He cradled my face in his hands much like he did when we stood by the car outside.
I avoided his intense stare; ashamed to tell him I had not.
"...um," I hesitated.
"Bella has taken it upon herself to make the decision to stop taking her medication against her doctors instructions" Carlisle so kindly butted in.
"What?" Mike removed his hands from their gentle grasp on my face and tightly wrapped them around my writs. "Why the hell would you do that? Do you want to collapse of something?" He voice turned stern before widening suddenly. I knew he just connected my collapse from yesterday with his new piece of information.
"Too late on that front," Emmett commented from his place next to the window. He was keeping an obvious barrier between Edward and I.
"Wait you collapsed because you're not taking your medication? Do you know how stupid that sounds Bella?" He was furious now. I could tell by the way his face flushed and a pulsing blue vain appeared in the middle of his forehead. If he would let go of my wrists, he would surely be rubbing the back of his neck.
"She didn't tell you?" Alice who had just entered the room with a waddling Rosalie inquired. I was starting to feel suffocated with all the eyes fixed on my speechless face as well as personally victimized by my best friend who I had trusted with keep my decision a secret.
Alice's eyes flashed with regret as soon as the words were out. "Oh. Sorry Bella," but it was too late.
"What the hell Bella?" I could easily count the number of times I've seen Mike yell at me on one hand, but there was no mistaking that red face, balled fists, and throbbing vein that pulsed on the side of his neck.
I had another fish out of water moment, just standing in my ex-fiancé's childhood bedroom, opening and closing my mouth as seven people stared at me. Silence covered the room for only a moment, but it was enough to feel like the pressure of it all was suffocating me slowly.
"Carlisle do you have any iron supplements?" He finally muttered, "Two days in a row is enough to send her to the ER." His tone managed to sound threatening and completely calm all at the same time. I imagined this was his 'lawyer' voice. I could picture it now, my handsome fiancé standing behind a large oak desk, his black Armani suit pressed and pristine, while he addresses the witness in that same cold and quiet voice.
I could feel the shaking in my hands begin to worsen as exhaustion loomed over me and the back of my head was suddenly throbbing again. However, I couldn't seem to find my breath, feeling outnumbered and overwhelmed. Mike dragged me to the bed and insisted I sit while Carlisle came back with two iron supplements, big red oblong looking pills, for me to swallow. I grimace the entire time. I felt as if I was being treated as a child would, my cheeks reddened in embarrassment and I couldn't bare to make eye contact with anyone in the room.
"Carlisle did make me take these yesterday, so you can stop acting like an over protective father." I hissed under my breath to Mike, who used his height to tower over me, his arms crossed, his eyes filled with fire and disappointment.
He opened his mouth, probably about rebut me once again, but before he could get the words out Edward was speaking from across the room, still seated on that familiar window seat.
"So, what's wrong with you?"
"Shut up Edward!" Emmett growled. Then there was silence again.
Mike let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing the back of his neck roughly. "She's anemic." I was surprised to even hear indulge Edward's prying questions. His passionate eyes shot towards me and I looked back down at my shaking hands wrapped around the cold glass of water, feeling like a chastised child. "Actually, she's a hell of a lot more then anemic, but she hasn't taken her medicine for God knows how long and for only God knows why. She's like a ticking time bomb down, just waiting to explode." He glared down upon me as I drank my glass of water, but I held his stare with my own hard look. I wish Edward had kept his mouth closed.
Suddenly Jasper walked in looking a little sweaty and red, breaking the growing tension in the room. "Okay, I got all the presents loaded into your car." He stared around the room taking each on of us in. "What's going on?"
"Swan's a ticking time bomb apparently." Edward spoke nonchalantly, still sitting in front of the window. His tone wasn't mocking like I had expected and I watched as his eyes met mine, with just a glimpse of curiosity behind his stare.
I watched as Mike's head snapped towards Edward's voice.
"Shut the fuck up. You do not get to speak for her, about her, or with her ever again. You gave up that right when she deiced she didn't want you anymore!"
I shifted my gaze in rapid succession from a furious Mike to Edward, whose head was tilted downward, avoiding my fiancé's wrath. I could not believe this was actually happening to me. My life would make a great pilot for a melodrama.
"We're going home," he spoke only to me in the same eerily calm tone, which I'd wish he'd stop using. Without warning or my permission, he swooped me up into his arms in one quick movement, taking my breath away. My blood boiled as he carried me out of the house and to the car like a misbehaving infant. My skin flushed red in anger. It was rare that I wanted so badly to scream at him and even now, I was holding myself together only to the best of my ability.
Mike didn't know about Edward. He knew nothing, other then the obvious. He was clueless to the real story, the aftermath…the college visit. He had no clue how rightly deserved his distressed behavior actually was. To him Edward was some former competitor that once longed for my hand He had no clue that he was actually the dark knight in this screwed up fairytale.
The ride home was tense and quiet. Our pre-wedding tape no longer filled the car with music. I stared out the window as he gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned an alarming shade of white. However, I refused to be the first one to break the growing quiet. I felt terrible both mentally and physically, and by the time we pulled off the freeway I realized we were going in the opposite direction of my apartment.
"Mike I want to go home," I sighed. Giving up our silent game of cold shoulder in favor of expressing my annoyance.
"Nope," was all he said as he drove through the puddles along a pothole littered backroad.
"What do you mean no? I don't feel good, now take me home." I practically screeched.
He slowed the car to a sudden halt that sent me flying forward, only to be stopped harshly by my seatbelt. "Maybe, if you actually took your goddamn medicine, you'd feel better!" He screamed back at me.
Silence, the main theme of today, filled the car again as we held each other's icy gazes. "We're going to Ray's." He finally muttered before starting the car again.
I huffed and slouched back against my seat.
Ray's had been a place that Mike and I had found our first time back from college together. We had gotten lost getting home from the airport. It was pouring and our rental car was not taking the flooded roads well. The first place we came across was a little diner called Ray's. We had been going there ever since, for the world's best cup of coffee, and Meg's homemade apple pie.
When we finally pulled into the small parking lot next to the diner, I wanted nothing more then to get out of that stupid car, away from the quiet, and away from all this tension.
Taking our usual seat in the corner by the front window, Mike ordered two coffees and a piece of pie for us to share, even though I vehemently expressed to him that I was not hungry.
We sat across from one another, neither of us speaking for just a moment before Mike finally chimed in. "Talk," a command that resembled one given to a dog came from his mouth in a rough tone. I would have gawked, but I was already tired of this attitude we'd been in since we left the Cullen's house.
I hesitated looking at my steamy cup of java, "I really don't know what you want me to say."
"That's utter bullshit Bella! I know something is going on. What aren't you telling me about Edward?" He hissed at me and I was seconds away from smacking him. Nevertheless, I knew I owed him more than that. I sighed letting all the hot air leave my lungs.
"I don't know where to start." I finally said, feeling all the fight leave my body.
"Start from the beginning, I'm not going anywhere." I wanted to cry.
I'd been holding this in for so long I didn't even know how to go about telling him about every demon that lived inside me, the ones that chewed away at me, making me damaged goods. What little he really knew about the baggage that I carried with me was nothing compared to the bombshell that I was about to drop on him. The one I'd futilely been trying to hide for years.
I took a deep breath and began my story. The story of how Edward Cullen ruined me.
"Well, you already know most of the beginning of the story."
Mike nodded his head thoughtfully; it appeared that he was beginning to calm down as well. The heat had left both of our faces.
"But, I may have left some things out," I spoke quietly, running my thumb around the rim of my coffee mug.
"Why?" He grabbed my hand and I look up at his handsome face.
"There…there are things I didn't want you to know about me. I've been through…a lot, and I didn't want to weight down our new relationship with the baggage of my old one." I said truthfully.
He looked at me carefully, as if he was deciding what he was going to say in his head before he actually said it.
"Isabella Swan, I will be your husband in six days and no matter what comes out of your mouth now, nothing will change that." He ran a finger from my flushed cheeks to the bottom of my chin. I swallowed loudly, my mouth feeling dry. I nodded in agreement though, knowing that if my past was ever going to come out I had to push through it in one sweep or face losing my nerve.
"Everything was going fine with Edward and I the first six months or so. He was a gentleman. But things began to shift. It was just small things at first. He was always trying to get me to do thing I didn't want to do, whether that meant eating at a certain restaurant or seeing a certain movie, or skipping school with him and making out in the back of his car."
Mike's hands tightened around my own.
"But…but it got worse when he graduated and I was still in school. He was always protective, but it became really…aggressive. He was constantly talking about making it big with nothing but his guitar, his voice, and me at his side. He had all these grand plans for 'us'. But I didn't want any of it. I was ready to fill out college applications and graduate, while he was talking about fame and fortune.
"What he said became law, so I filled out all my applications and scholarships in secret. He had already decided that we were going to travel across Europe for a year and I was too in love to just take one goddamn step back and realize he was suffocating me!" I breathed in and then out, trying to keep all the swelling emotions from tearing me apart.
"Once we were engaged everything went so fast. Esme was ecstatic about planning a wedding and Edward was able to convince Carlisle to fund our yearlong excursion abroad. God, even Charlie was gung-ho about us. I knew something felt off about the whole thing from the first inkling of the idea. I begged him to wait until I was done with college before we made anything official."
Mike's eyes danced with emotion. I had to look away quickly, not wanting to witness his reactions. Not yet.
"But every time I brought up the subject it was always the same promises that I could just start school the next fall. He said everything would be so much better after we were Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen. I let him coax me to believe that I wanted what he wanted."
Meg came and refilled our cups, giving me a moment to collect myself, hoping that the building tears would subside. The single piece of pie that lay between us, still untouched, began to chill. I didn't speak again until we were left alone.
"It wasn't until I received that letter in the mail, giving me a full scholarship to Yale. Yale, my dream since I was old enough to even know what college was. It was like something inside of me just snapped, and I could finally see what Edward was trying to lure me away from… The same day I went to the Cullen's broke off our engagement and went home to start packing to leave that next week.
"Something snapped in him that day too. But it wasn't the same as my realization. He wouldn't stop calling me. He would show up at my door a couple of times a day and would stay there until Charlie threatened to lock him up overnight for trespassing. He was a mess. God Mike," I tilted my head back trying to blink the tears away as I stared up at the ceiling.
"You know I cried and cried for days. Because I still loved him. I was fucking 18 years old! He gave me no choice so I took those choices away from him. I gave him too much hold over my life and it took me too long to figure that out. I think sometimes that I would have been able to avoid everything that happened if only I wasn't so love-struck."
I wiped at the tears that kept coming. I began balling napkins up in my tightly clenched fists.
"He was just a kid too, and even though I have all this hate inside of me for what he did, I know that I broke that boy just as much as he smothered me." I sat silently for a moment, reflecting on what I had said. It had been seven years and this was the first time I was ever able to admit something like this.
I cleared my throat and took a long swig of my coffee. It burned my tongue.
"But he did something…something far worse to me than I ever did to him."
I could still remember that night so many years ago. My lungs already felt deprived of oxygen; my skin crawled with goose bumps, my heart pounded in my ears, the small scar between my shoulder and my neck felt red-hot.
I had finished making Charlie's supper- the last hot meal I was worried he'd get until I came home for Thanksgiving. My stomach fluttered in excitement and anticipation. My brain mentally checked over my luggage making sure I'd packed everything down to the last box of pens. But even with the frenzy that was keeping my brain occupied, my heart still wept.
Edward had been by the house again yesterday. This time with roses and a whole string of 'I'm sorry's, promises, and as always he brought that little black box.
He wasn't making our breakup any easier for himself, let alone everyone else. My father has been in a sour mood all week, Esme and Carlisle have perpetual headaches, Alice was devastated she has to return her bridesmaid's dress, and Emmett seemed to be irrationally angry at his brother. I had only received this information from word of mouth however, as I was keeping some much-needed distance between the Cullen household and me.
I felt numb, uncaring and unwanting, of anything. I didn't even answer the phone anymore because nine times out of ten it was his voice on the other side. The doorbell rang once, sometimes twice a day. I knew who stood behind it.
I cried on Monday night, letting it all out, forcing him out of my system. Tuesday morning when I stumbled down the stairs in my crumpled pajamas with red swollen eyes, I was shocked to find him in my kitchen, sitting in the chair he always occupied when he came for dinner once a week. I'd been too caught up in myself to tell Charlie what had happened yesterday. So when whom he thought was my boyfriend knocked on our door that morning he let Edward in without a second thought. I couldn't help myself when I flung my arms around him, begging him to forgive me. This began a serious miscommunication that started with him trying to slip that ring back on my finger.
I tried to explain that I didn't want to get married or go to Europe, that I was too young for such adult things. I let him know that I was leaving for Yale in a week's time, but he didn't seem to hear anything I had to say after I refused his ring.
I yelled, he yelled, and eventually Charlie kicked him out, tell him to go home and think things through. He'd been back every day since. He didn't comprehend my rejection, or didn't bother to accept that nothing could ever be the way it was before. I made a decision and I was happy to be leaving, getting away from the source of my misery.
It was still early Friday night, but my eyelids had to fight to stay open as I went over my checklist one last time. Most of my larger items had already been sent to Connecticut, but three suitcases still remained. After one last thorough check I let my body finally wrap around my quilt. Two deep breathes of the warm summer air and I entered a dreamless slumber effortlessly.
Sometime later, I was roused from my sleep. I groaned feeling a sharp pain in my legs. I tried to move them, but a heaviness stopped me. I made some kind of frustrated noise and blinked my eyes open, my lids still fogged down by sleep.
I sighed, frustrated that I had been wakened and looked up to find what had disturbed me. Edward's green eyes pierced into my own from his spot at the end of my bed. Lying back down, I smiled and closed my eyes, wishing he would crawl under the covers and hold me.
It took me a moment to realize that I wasn't dreaming, and remember what had transpired in the last few days between the two of us. Suddenly my eyes flew open. Edward!
"Edward," I whispered in the dark.
He was staring at me intently, like something to eat and I suddenly felt uncomfortably bare in my tank top. My eyes darted around the room wondering briefly how he got into the house. He was at the bottom of my bed, his hands clamped down on my ankles, the pain that had originally woken me. He slowly rose from his spot and crawled over my body and up the bed, capturing me between the mattress and his own lean body.
He leaned down, his face almost coving mine. He brought his palm up and slowly stroked my cheek tenderly. His breath reeked of alcohol and I tried to turn my head, but as I struggled in his hold, his gentle stroke turned violet. Slap! He struck my face and tears instantly sprung to my eyes. I shrieked and immediately tried to cover my reddening face, but he had forced both my arms behind my back where they screamed in discomfort.
"Edward!" I hissed back, appalled and suddenly scared by the darkness that had settled over his face. I was dazed and couldn't believe what was happening. He petted my cheek again and then another slap. The tears started running from my eyes and fell down against my stinging flesh.
"Shhh," he cooed, "don't make this worse then it has to be baby." His voice was weird; both smooth and eerily calm.
"Edward, get off of me!" My voice rose in volume as every part of my body yelled in pain from our awkward position. I tried to wiggle away from his grasp, but he was too heavy.
Instead of hitting my sore face again he balled his hand into a fist and landed a blow straight into my stomach, making my body bow towards him. All the breath left my body and I gasped for air into the quiet of the room. Another punch soon followed but this time against my temple and my eyes flashed a bright white light, the dizziness soon followed. I opened my mouth to scream but his lips were on mine before I could get even a squeak out. It was not like any kiss that he had ever given me before. His teeth gnawing violently at my bottom lip, pulling the flesh between his teeth. The sting of the skin breaking there sent a gush of blood into my mouth. That didn't stop him from shoving his tongue into my mouth, pulling my body even closer to his, crushing my ribs.
When He finally tore his lips from mine, I gasped into the air dragging in a much oxygen as I could, his teeth dragged along my neck. He sunk them into the soft flesh there, breaking into the skin between my neck and shoulder easily; he put his hand over my mouth when I let out a long wail. The tears were coming fast now and a fresh wave of terror ran down my spine. I wanted to wake up so badly from this horrid nightmare.
"Oh baby I love when you scream for me." He whispered harshly into my ear, "But we have to be very quiet. So be a good little bitch." He laughed darkly. I could feel a trickle of blood run slowly down my neck from the punctured skin there.
He went back to hitting me, his face blooming with anger that flushed his pale skin. One blow after another pummeled my body back into the mattress; I could feel the blood vessels breaking underneath my skin, forming a new set of bruises. My joints that still lay trapped under him felt inflamed. When he got tired of striking me and hearing my pleas for him to stop, he would grab onto my hips and pull them to his own before capturing my lips again in a violent kiss that seemed like it would never end. I could feel his arousal against my underwear, the only thing covering my lower half, and tried to pull my body away from his, fearing how he could use his dominance over me.
I had heard of hell, all fire and flames and abandoned souls, but I was wrong. Hell wasn't a place of fire and brimstone, but rather a cold dark room where the man you love holds you down and take his time beating your.
When he finally leaned back, still on his knees, as if to enjoy his handiwork, I took the only opportunity I thought I might have and tugged my arms from under me, shoving him in the chest with all my strength. My joints screamed at the sudden movement but I barely felt the pain as the adrenaline rushed through me. He fell backwards freeing my legs, and I quickly sprang from the bed, opening my mouth to let out a loud scream racing for the door of my bedroom. He got to me faster than I thought possible though, grabbing my ankle and sending me face first onto my bedroom floor.
I landed on my wrist in an abnormal way and the tears that had been falling down my face since he pinned me to the bed turned to uncontrollable sobs that wracked my body. I still tried to grab onto the carpet as he used his hold on my ankle to pull my body closer to his. My shirt rose up against my back and I felt the rug burn my skin there as I was pulled along the carpeting. In that moment I was convinced I was going to die at the hands of the man I loved, as my father slept just down the hall.
I could barely see Edward's face through my tear-blurred vision, but I knew that he angry, real rage painted his cheeks in a bright red, his usually expressive green eyes had dulled and emptiness filled them. His hands became even more aggressive, slamming my wrists above my head. I begged in between sobs for him to let me go.
"That's how you want to play it you whore. You're always trying to leave! Not tonight Bells. Oh, tonight I'll show you who you belong to." He growled at me, his face pressed harshly against my wet cheek. I stared blankly at the space underneath my bed, not wanting to see his dead eyes anymore.
My unrelenting sobs filled the air taking on a note of hysteria as he shoved his hand under my shirt and ripped it from my body.
No! No! NO! I wailed as he tore my clothes from my limp form. I could no longer hear anything but the pounding of my heart in my ears.
Leaving me in nothing but my underwear, Edward leaned over me, grabbing my chin in a painful grip, forcing me to look directly at him. He began whispering unintelligible threats against my lips things I couldn't comprehend. I felt me body go limp, all the fight leaving my body as he hand slid down my exposed chest before slipping to the waistband of my pink underwear, the ones with the little bows on the hips. It was all over.
Just as I closed my eyes, ready to take whatever physical torment was to com my bedroom door was slammed opened.
The adrenaline rush back in one final attempt to save myself and I screamed, trying my best to get away from Edward as my dad stormed across the room.
"Daddy!" I cried in between sobs before he ripped Edward from my body.
There was a lot of screaming and even a punch or two thrown. I hid my body, wrapping my arms tightly across my bare chest and averted my eyes from the two figures fighting. I contorted into the smallest ball I could form my body into, wanting all of this to just be a bad dream. My head hurt and my stomach clenched. I felt dirty and broken.
Someone kept calling my name but they sounded too far away to reach. I felt so numb and bruised.
Even with the deep breath, the tears kept rolling down my cheeks like they did that night.
Mike was completely silent but his hold on my hand was becoming a death grip. Finally, it became too much for him and he stood up from the booth and began yanking at his golden hair as he stared at me with pained eyes. I wrapped my arms around my torso.
"He…He was angry, so angry at me. Whoever was yelling at me, pinning me down, it wasn't the Edward that I loved." I could barely speak, as the streams of tears spilled from my eyes.
It had been years since I had to relive that night, but even after dozens of therapy sessions and the inevitable passing of time, I still couldn't bare to think about it. My doctors once classified this as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I always shrugged off that diagnosis. Soldiers coming home from war have PTSD, not little girls who break up with their boyfriends. One particular therapist once told me that I would never be able to overcome my diagnoses if I didn't accept it.
"What happened after," he whispered, before covering his mouth with a visibly shaking hand.
"Charlie beat if him pretty badly before Carlisle managed to get him off of Edward. We both spent the night in Fork Hospital," I sniffled, running a napkin under my nose. "The next week Carlisle had him sent to a mental physicality for an evaluation, and I took a plane to Yale, bruised and bandaged."
I wiped furiously at my wet face, looking around the restaurant to see if our conversation had drawn many eyes.
"My dad and the Cullen's thought that Connecticut was the safest place for me." I let out a shaky sigh. "I never told anyone, but even two thousand miles away he eventually found me."
"What!" Mike yelled, it echoed through the thankfully empty diner.
"It was about a month before I met you, he showed up at my dorm. I don't even know how he got my address." My voice trailed off into the uncomfortable silence that surrounded us
There was always something about a new school year that thrilled me. I had only started school two weeks ago and my sophomore year was already proving to be a challenge, but I loved having something new to do besides working in a sporting goods store or fishing with Charlie three times a week. I was taking three writing classes, and an advanced English course. The work was killer and the teachers where harsh, but I loved every minute of it. It was easy to lose yourself in the work, something I came to crave.
Angela, and I had grown close freshmen year, and decided to room together into our second year. We both took our work seriously, and weren't the type to shine in the spotlight when it came to college life. No parties, but long nights in the library with an occasional book fight between the tall shelves. We worked well together and it was the first time since Alice that I had a girlfriend to giggle with as we watched romantic comedy marathons. The only tension that ever filled out room was when I playfully expressed my annoyance over the excessive amount of noise her vintage 1960's orange typewriter made or when she happened to fall over one of my alarmingly large stacks of books that piled up around our room.
As the weeks drew on, the wind was starting to take on a cold shiver that singled the end to summer and the beginning of the beautiful fall weather in Connecticut.
I grabbed a light jacket as I headed out of my room, ready for a rigorous creative writing class. Just as I reached the door there was a soft knock. I assumed Angela had forgotten her key again as I yanked the door open.
I shrieked and dropped my books when those green orbs met mine. It took one look at those eyes to send me straight back to that night more than a year ago.
"Don't be scared, please." He begged looking contrite in the doorway.
Tears quickly welled up daring to spill over the brim of my eyelids. Just looking at him now scared me shitless and I wanted to slam the door in his face and hide. So like any scared child, I did just that. I slammed the door on his sad looking face, and cried against it until Angela came back an hour later to find me crumbled in the corner.
"It was the last time I saw him until yesterday. He showed up at Esme's house without warning and it was just the same as when I saw him standing behind my dorm room door. One look into those green eyes and he ruined me all over again. I saw him and I collapsed. It's not because I stopped taking my prescriptions, it was because seeing him takes me back to that night. I'm that same 18 year old girl and he's the boy who held me down on my own bedroom floor." I sat with my hands limp on the table, staring forward but not really seeing anything. My eyes wouldn't stop shedding tears.
I did not sit there long however, suddenly I was pulled from the booth and folded into Mike's warm and strong arms. His distinct smell of expensive cologne and silk flooding my nose. I hung on tightly as he picked me off the ground and rocked our bodies from side to side. His fingers dug into my sides, clinging to me as if at any moment I could slip through his fingers. I let my tears continue to fall, but now his cotton shirt absorbed them.
"I'm going to fucking kill him." He said to me in a harsh tear stained voice.
I didn't care what he was saying anymore. I was just marveling in the feeling of being tethered to the earth once again by his embrace.