Attention all Grammar Nazis: You may have a stroke in this chapter.
CHAPTER 30: WAREHOUSE 23
Sonic shot up. "SHIT I'M IN A DREAM IN A POTENTIAL COMA. I GOTTA FIND A WAY TO GET OUTTA HERE! WHERE AM I?"
Taking a moment to examine his surroundings, Sonic deducted he was inside a warehouse. A crowbar was laying beside him.
"Well, guess in one of these boxes there's an answer. BETTER GET GOING."
Sonic grabbed the crowbar, and raced over to the closest box.
"I OPEN ONE OF THE NINE HUNDRED NINETY NINE BOXES IN THE WAREHOUSE, AND FIND..."
He smashed the wooden crate, and immediately searched its contents. He found nothing, but an album: It was a Marilyn Manson album. Containing every song ever produced, as covered by Marilyn Manson. -Jesus Christ, if anyone listened to one quarter of the songs here, they'd be in an asylum. Never was a fan, though I'd pay big time to hear them play Barbie Girl.-
Seeing how it was completely useless, he tossed the record and its case away at blinding speeds. He then smashed a box next to it. Inside, he found a television. It was on, and it was playing an episode of Ren and Stimpy. -Fuck yes, I love this show. Cartoons were awesome in the ninety's, where Nickelodeon was diagnosed with elephantitis and had balls of granite and put even the most blatant sex joke on the air.- It had a shot of Stimpy, sleeping soundly in bed, slowly panning to the right. As it got to the middle, it suddenly swung and stopped to a close up of Ren's face.
"I... I was nice today..." He said in the insane tone. -Oh god, I remember this scene. I love it enough to watch it. It's a miracle that they got this past censors.-
The rest of the scene played out how it normally went; Ren rambled on about his hands being dirty from answering Stimpy's fan letters -Because Stimpy felt bad for Ren, Stimpy made Ren president of his fan club.- and plotted revenge against his friend.
"They think he's a god... but he's as mortal as we... I KNOW." Ren dragged on as he looked at the sleeping Stimpy. Ren visioned a red dotted line wrap around his neck. Ren grasped an imaginary neck. "Just ONE QUICK..." He twisted his hands. "TWIST! It's over."
Then, when the camera cut to the shadow view of Ren advancing onto his friend Stimpy, something changed from the normal episode that Sonic remembered fairly well.
Ren had grabbed Stimpy's neck. -OH GOD.-
Sonic slammed the box top back onto the crate, but it did not stop the noise. Sonic heard Ren's insane laughter, he heard Stimpy wake up, gasping for air, and he heard the swift, brutal crack.
Deciding it was best to ignore the rest of the episode of the TV that was still broadcasting regardless of any cables, antennas or such, Sonic began opening more crates. Out of the crates came more interesting items but none would help him. One box had a globe with the western half of the globe removed, and also in the box, novelty items celebrating the five hundredth year anniversary of Christopher Columbus sailing from Spain to India. Another box contained a red and white hat with writing in another language on it, a pistol named the "Polar Star," a black tank top, red pants, and green panties with the heart in the center. A third had contained Tails Doll. -My reaction to this finding the doll can only be described with one word that I have been using a lot recently: "Nope."-
Then, in the next box he opened, was a person, with his back facing Sonic. Sonic was about to touch the man on the shoulder, when the person revealed himself by tossing his body around like it was a rag doll.
He was John freeman who was Gorden Freemans brother, who had prediously saved world from combine. -OH GOD WHAT IS GOING ON I FEEL DIZZY MY EYES ARE BLURRY AND MY HEARING IS FUZZY. MY SENSES ARE DETERIORATING.-
John Freeman ran into Sonic an hug him hard.
"Thank god you camed" John Freeman exclaimed from top of lung to blue hedgehog, lifting him by arms. "I was so LONALY in there! Have you came to rescu John Freeman from Zombie ghoasts?"
Sonic smashed John Freeman over teh head with crowbar, and made the story slightly more bearable to read.
"SHUT UP JOHN FREEMEN" Sonic shouted at John Freeman, smashing and hitting and bashing John Freeman over and over again until the story became more and more sensible and restored to its normal grammatical, spelling, and descriptive quality it once had. Seeing his job was finished, for the most part, Sonic began to walk away.
But it was not over for John Freeman and his spootlight! He pulled out wepon and began shooting boolets at Sonic, who dogjed and ran pretty fast and escaped Freemans raff.
Behind a bunch of creats, Sawnic grabbed rockit lawnchair and raced out of the cover at John Freeman. Sonic fired the rockit at ground and jumepd at same time, flying high into the sky until he hit seiling and fall. Meanwhile, John Freeman flew back from explosion and smashed into crate. John Freeman took aime at faling enemy but his wepon had been jammed! Fruiosly, John Freeman reached for the contents of the crate he crashed into – a lite maschiene gun, and began spraying and praying at the blue menance.
Conis began running and running and doging shots like dragon ball zee guy and spun out of control and smashed into a pile of cretes. When Sonic smashed into crates, he oppen boexs filled with plants, books and moar wepons. But when Sonic went THROUGH them, he destroyed the wepons, tore the books, and made pants dead.
Wile undr pile of boxes, Sonic heard banging from box he didnt break and screaming and calling from within it.
"SONIC!" The voice called out. "GET ME OUT OF HER! IT IS DARK AND COLD AND NOT AT ALL NICE INSIDE THIS THINGAMAJIGGER." -Look at that, poor kid can't even say "here" right.-
silencing out cry of help, Sonic dashed out of box mountani and nailed John Freeman in the fase. The punch was so deavastating John Freeman flew through more sqwares of wood and out of the warehouse.
Sonic felt his sense quality slowly returning to normal.
"Holy shit, that was fucktarded." Sonic laughed, holding his head dizzily. -THIS IS WHY I HATE FANFICS. Some CAN be good, but the rest are like 'holy shit just purge these thoughts from my head' retarded.-
"Yo! Over here!" The voice cried out again.
Sonic sighed. He was not in the mood for another reality-altering guest star, but he was willing to take chances. He tossed aside pieces of broken boxes, torn novels, shattered fire arms and dead pants (or plants, he couldn't quite just tell yet) to reach the box with the distressing victim.
He pulled the box out from the many others in the pile, into an open area. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he grabbed the crowbar he had dropped when John Freeman punched him the first time and began to pry open the box.
As the lid of the box slid off, an orange light illuminated from inside. Sonic, not so excited about meeting more people, waiting for the person inside to show himself. It didn't seem too much, though. From the sound of his voice, it was probably a nine year old black child, however the tone he spoke him awfully reminded him of the 'gangsta' trend going around. All in all, nothing ordinary was inside this box. -Please, God, let this NOT be Ganja the Hedgehog...-
The captive slowly began to rise out of the box. His body glowed orange and yellow, like the sun. Sonic squinted his eyes, and quickly after doing so the extreme light faded away. When Sonic made out the shape, and its texture, he could not believe his eyes.
It was a fetus.
Made entirely of Cheetos.
"S'up," the aborted Cheetos fetus began. "Name's Cheetus."
"OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK."
"What? You never seen a fetus before?"
"I've never seen a Cheetos fetus." -Not only that, one with the ability to float and speak. So, earlier, he wasn't trying to say "get me out of here", I think...-
"Well, we're not exactly normal."
"I could tell."
"Anyway, you let me out. You get three wishes."
"Wait WHAT? Wishes?"
"Yeah. Like a genie."
"So, you're Cheetus, the aborted Cheetos fetus, Genie of the Storage Crate."
"Yeah? Got a problem with that?"
-I am talking to a talking half-of-an-organism composed entirely of Cheetos, that talks like a nine year old gangsta, named Cheetus the Fetus, who happens to be The Genie of the Storage Crate, in a warehouse full of random bullshit, right after I had fought John fucking Freeman. And I'm not in the funny farm.-
"Not at all. Look Cheetus, I don't have much time. I was just in a fight, not with John Freeman, and I got K.O.'d from SOMETHING from my last hit. I'm afraid I'm vulnerable while unconscious. Can you help me out of my unconsciousness, if only for a moment, O mighty Cheetus, Genie of the Storage Crate?"
"First of all, cut the shit."
"Alright."
"Second, I'm a genie, what did you expect? Just wish for it, bro. But if you leave, you can forget your other two wishes. Cool?"
"Cool, alright." Sonic chuckled. He was about to open his mouth to wish himself awake, but Cheetus interrupted him.
"I guess your first wish is a girl that meets your standards? CUZ EL OH EL, YOU CAN'T GET THAT EVEN IN A DREAM."
Sonic tilted his head and smiled in an insane fashion as he slowly ground his teeth and he thought of other plans. -...Though I can't deny how right he is about my standards.- "Oh, I was just going to get myself out of here, but right now, I just want you to shut up. I wish Cheeto the Cheetah would bust through the warehouse door right now."
"... oh shit."
A loud crash silenced them. A roar had followed, and echoed throughout the warehouse.
"I wish I regained the consciousness I lost a minute ago, or so." Sonic ordered, looking at Cheetus.
"...Alright. You're a bitch tho."
"Yeah yeah, that mouth really waters Cheeto's mouth."
"Fine, dickbutt."
And Sonic's head exploded.