"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."
-"Awake My Soul", Mumford & Sons
…
Chapter Eighteen:
EPOV
I slowly pulled my body up the stairs of the porch of my parents' house, which seemed to loom dark in the dreary evening sky. The rain had subsided for now, but in true northwestern peninsula fashion it would inevitably start back up again within the hour. I shivered as a chilly breeze picked up and seemed to move right through me. I longed for a hot shower and a dreamless sleep.
The cab ride from my sister's house was somber and I found myself wishing the driver would turn up the bad eighties hairband music he was playing so I wouldn't have to hear the pounding of my aching heart and the formidable last words Alice had dangled in front of me.
If you love her, than let her go…
Like something out of a goddamn Cary Grant movie, everything stuck in black and white and the only advice the supporting characters can give are delivered in epic one-liners that are actually vague impressions of advice that translate to 'I don't know'.
I pulled open the large oak front door and welcomed the warm indoor air that surrounded me and pulled me into the dimly lit foyer. Closing the door slowly and softly, I leaned back heavily against it, before kicking off my borrowed sandals. The sigh that fell from my mouth sounded tired and full of emotion.
"I don't want him in my house right now."
My father's voice vibrated through the house. My shoulders tensed back up and my eyes flew to the sunroom where I could picture my parents sitting on opposite sides of the room, a coffee table with an untouched pot of tea separating them.
"That's starting to sound familiar," I muttered to myself as I set the cloth bag holding my ruined dress shoes and soggy clothes down by the coatrack. I padded over to the stairs and took up the spot that I had frequented as a child when mom and dad would have their 'adult conversations'. It was the perfect shot to be within earshot, yet out of direct line of view of the sunroom's open French doors.
"Carlisle, he's your son for Christ sakes!" I raised an eyebrow at my mother taking the Lord's name in vain.
I rested my elbows on my knees, making myself comfortable as I placed my chin in one of my palms.
"He could have call goddamn it, scheduled a visit. We could have avoided this whole fiasco, now Bella is 'this close' from a full scale emotional relapse after all these years."
I could imagine my father holding his pointer finger and thumb together to indicate the scale of 'this close'. I couldn't help the small smile that crept onto my face.
You must be going mad.
"Carlisle, he did call."
I perked up at this. Although spoken soft and quietly the words still reached my hiding spot and I waited in anticipation to hear my father's response.
"I mean you should have see the way she looked at me when I brought Leah in. It was like…" He stopped abruptly, as if finally realizing what my mother had spoken just moments before. "Wait, what?"
"He called me the morning of Bella's shower."
"And said what?" He voice was rising to a tone that was rarely heard in the Cullen household. My parents were enforcers, but never yellers. I always thought it was because dad was British and mom had too kind of a heart to scream at her children.
"He needed to come home. He said he got it in his head that he had to come now and jumped on a plane the next day. He didn't even call until he was switching planes in North Dakota or somewhere."
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because..." Her voice broke and I could hear the tears beginning to form even with a wall separating us. "Because he's our son Carlisle, our baby boy, and I know you can't forgive him for what he did to Isabella, but you can't hold it against him for the rest of his life. We're getting too old to push any of our children away from our lives, and that includes not only Alice and Emmett, but also Edward, and Rosalie, and Jasper, and our lovely Bella."
I had never heard my mother speak with such clarity and conviction before. I could hear her sniffling but her voice was strong and steady.
"Edward needs just as much help as Bella does, you may forget that but I never do. Now find a way to make this right Carlisle or I'll do it without you…and you don't want to know what it's like to have Esme Mason not on your side."
My mother stormed out of the sunroom just as I was standing up, hoping to make a quick escape before being caught eavesdropping on their argument.
"Edward!" Mom jumped in her place, her hand flying to her chest to make sure her heart was still beating. "How long have you been there?"
I gave her a small smile, wanting nothing more than to reassure her that everything was going to be okay. That's all I ever wanted to give Esme, a sense of normalcy again. She was once the head of the revered Cullen household, and I managed to run our name so far into the ground that I'd be trying to give her that back for the rest of my life. She's the only one what matters…Bella and her.
"Would you say it's too cliché for me to admit to 'long enough'." I rubbed the back of my neck.
"Oh Edward, you know you're father does care about you. He's just very-"
"Don't worry about it mom. I'll go get a hotel room in the city tomorrow and be out of your hair by Monday. This…this was probably a mistake anyway." I turned to head back up to my childhood bedroom, but her small fingers were wrapped around my wrist before I could get very far.
"Please Edward, don't say that. You've been gone for too long. Just stay here, with me…for just another week." Her words mirrored Alice's but it were her eyes that shattered me, those beautiful green orbs that reflected my own. They were the little piece of her I always got to take with me.
"Please?" She whispered, her nails digging into my wrist.
"I'll think about it Ma. I promise."
It was the best I could give her for now. So I pulled my arm from her grasp and slowly made my way up the stairs.
My bedroom was warm and familiar, all blue and masculine. Little pieces of Bella were littered everywhere throughout the space, memories that swirled around in the space between the floor and the ceiling. It was both nauseating to feel it circle my body along with the warm air. Taking it all in reminded me of eating a piece of cake that was so sweet that it can't even be enjoyed.
I was lost in thoughts of simpler days and teenage angst as I stripped down to my boxers and climbed under the duvet of the bed.
Everyday she walked into class was more torturous than the next. She was nothing but a sixteen-year-old girl who wore t-shirts two sizes too big and let her limp hair dangle in her face far too often. And yet here I sat, a seventeen-year-old boy pining after all sixteen years of her flat chest, plump pink lips, and heart shaped face.
I would tell myself in the absence of company that, "she's nothing special", "pull yourself together Cullen", "you could have any girl in this high school do anything you want".
But it didn't matter, because no matter how hard I tried to stop my head from spinning when I caught her strawberry and lily aroma or berated my heart for nearly pounding out of my chest when she sat down next to me or smiled at me from across the cafeteria, I wanted her even more.
Ring
Another class gone, lost in thought, a daydream really, of what it would be like to hold her hand, kiss her deeply, and slide my fingers underneath the back of her shirt, feeling the way her spin ran along her back.
Today I was particularly enthralled with the idea that she had probably never been kissed; never known what it felt like to be touched by someone who wanted you so badly it hurt. I was consumed with the idea of being her first, showing her what it was like to make your body go haywire with erratic physical feelings.
"Did you hear what I said Edward?" She called me out from my visions of her body laying underneath mine and I imagined my cheeks looked much the way hers do when I compliment her sketches or asked her opinion on my new song lyrics.
"Um…I'm sorry Bells, what did you say?"
The class was beginning to file out around us, but she remained unmoved next to me.
"Must you insist on call me that. I feel like you're refereeing to me as the Disney Princess."
"Her name was actually Belle, not Bells, so there's no relation. But what's wrong with Disney Princesses?" I nudged her arm with my elbow.
I loved joking around with her. It made me feel like I was going to float right out of my chair with a permanent smile glued to my face. After everyone of our project 'dates' my cheeks hurt so badly I had to rub the muscles of my face after she departed from my kitchen for the night.
"There's nothing wrong with her in particular, in fact she's one of the more reputable princesses. No, it's what the name entails. It's having someone call me princess." Her noise scrunched up into a disgusted look.
She began to stand, collecting her books and I already started mourning her lost company to her next period Spanish class.
"And." I made a 'get on with it' gesture with my hand. Bella was notorious for beating around the bush. I finally had to tell her to stop starting every question she asked me with, "can I ask you a question?".
"Edward, it's demeaning. It's something that my dad called me when I was six years old to make me feel special and important. Now when I guy calls me 'Princess' it's basically a psychological way for them to want me to think that I'm this delicate little flower who needs to be reminded that I'm pretty, and special, and important. It's their way of putting themselves over me" She rolled her eyes dramatically and pulled her book bag onto her back.
I got up to follow her out of the classroom, more confused by this girl than ever before. She was an enigma to me. One minute she's a shy little thing who spends our class periods together hiding behind her hair and the next she's a feminist she-beast who goes off on a rant about the superiority of 19th century female authors.
"So you're saying that I can't call you Bells because it's too similar to Belle, who is a fictional princesses, and therefore embodies the idea that I am calling you a princess, which has a demeaning connotation of the inferiority of women?"
We had stopped in the opening of the biology room door, the only ones left in the classroom. Even Mr. Banner had departed to some unknown location.
We turned to face each other in the small space. We held each other's gaze for only a moment before we broke into a fit of laughter at the absurdly of the conversation.
"Well I guess when you put it like that it does sound a little far fetched." She smiled up at me and I thought for a minute that my heart fell into my stomach.
We stood in silence, just staring at each other and listening to the hoard of students just to our right hustling and bustling to get to their next class before the bell rang again.
"So if I agree to never call you Bells with an underlining reference to being a 'Princess', will you come see my band perform on Friday. We're playing at that café next to the bookstore you like in Port Angeles."
She hesitated for a moment, not sure what my invitation meant coming from my mouth and what any response would mean coming from hers.
"Agreed. Just let me know what time." She finally responded, hugging her books closer to her chest.
Before I could be stopped by the ball of nerves that was sitting in the bottom of my stomach I moved passed her, backing up into the hallway, getting ready to join the masses on their way to sixth period.
"Great, it's a date."
I watched the surprise bloom onto her face in the form of that red flush that made me mad for her, before spinning around with the biggest grin on my face and making my way to sixth period gym.
What would have happened to us if I had never worked up the nerve to ask her to that stupid gig? What if I had just left her alone? Would we still be in this fucking mess? Would my life be one big shamble?
It was almost midnight and the rain had started back up again outside. I watched the flashes of lighting light the sky in streaks of brilliant white.
When the flashes of my past weren't filling my mind until I was drunk on memories of Bella and her own brilliant white smile, Alice's voice crept it's way into the inside of my subconscious.
"She might not be here for you anymore Edward, but you're family is. And as much as I'd love to see you too get your fairytale ending, I just don't see it in the cards."
"You have to find a way to be happy with a life that is filled with family, and work, and people who make you want to cry out with joy not hid away in despair. My heart hurts so much for you Edward…but you need to come back to this family."
"Then let her go Edward."
"Fuck!" I yelled into the silence of the room, sitting upright in my bed.
My heart was beating a million times a minute and my breathing was coming in labored pants that sounded as if I had just run a marathon.
Without a second thought I sprung from the tangle of sheets and blankets that once covered my body in a warm cocoon I longed to curl back up into. However, I moved to my suitcase instead, dumping all of its contents out onto the floor. I quickly dressed myself in whatever I could get my hands on and ran out of the door.
I raced down the stairs and into the kitchen where I found exactly what I was looking for, the keys to Carlisle's Mercedes.
As I was getting ready to head out of the front door I caught sight of my father's tall and broad form sleeping on the couch in the living room. He tossed restlessly from side to side, obviously uncomfortable and I knew it was not only for the lack of his own bed but also the lack of the woman who had been sleeping beside him for thirty years now. I took one long look at him before exiting the house and getting in Carlisle's car. For a moment I felt like a teenage version of myself, sneaking out of the house at midnight, stealing my father's car. It would almost be comical if I were in a laughing mood.
I peeled out of the driveway and began to make my way into the city with only one thought on my mind.
"Is she out there?" I peeked over James' shoulder trying to spot one particular head of brown hair.
"The whole fucking school is out there Ed, you're going to have to be more specific. Who are you looking to lay tonight? Is it that red head from second period? She's been eye-fucking you all week man."
I don't know why James' usual blunt words made me so angry, but I had to ball my hands in a pair of white-knuckle fists to keep from punching him in the back. I didn't even like thinking about Bella being associated with his crass thoughts towards the girls in our school.
Just as I was about to tell him to 'fuck off', I spotted her, just close enough to stage right that I could see her, but far enough back towards the coffee bar that she would blend into the dark atmosphere. I couldn't help the smile that stretched onto my face as the sight of her socially awkward self sitting in the corner. She was here…to see me.
I was so lost in the vision of her sitting there in an uncharacteristically tight black V-neck and dark wash jeans that I was late entering on stage.
I had eyes for none of the screaming girls the whole way through our set. Instead, I focused solely on Bella, who could barely meet my intense gaze without blushing all over and dropping her head to her coffee cup which sat in front of her. But seeing her there, waiting for me, put me on a natural high that had me performing the best show we've ever done, and before I knew it we're at our last number on the line up.
"Okay, we're about to wrap up tonight and we'd like to leave you with a new original song we've been working on."
The high school crowd screamed and shouted; while the more reserved college music snobs clapped politely while they waited in like to purchase overpriced cappuccinos and day old biscotti. But none of them were the cause of the large grin that hadn't left my face all night.
I leaned into the microphone, pulling it close as I continued to talk to the audience. My guitar felt as light as a feather and the words rolled out of my mouth like hot butter sliding off a plate. It all felt so natural with her there.
"I wrote this with some much needed help from a special person who is here tonight." I looked her dead in the eyes, a crooked smile on my face. "This one is for you. It's called 'My Light'"
When I started writing the song it all started with one simple catch line and a smooth acoustic rift on my guitar. It was poignant but lacked significance. Now it seemed to paint a picture of what the inside of me felt like at this moment.
I plucked the opening cords on my guitar, leaned into the mic, and bared myself to the girl sitting in the corner who had been neglected for too long.
"You are the light that shines through my soul, weighted down so deep in the musk of darkness, a light that I always knew existed but never thought could clear the webs."
James came in with the electric and Eric added in a great bass part he had written for the piece, Tyler's drums kept a steady beat that moved the song along like a gentle way pushing a boat down a river.
"In the sky you shine so bright. The day gives way to your light. Unselfish you give of your might, that I may shine through the night."
Our guitars played together in a symphony of sound that was slow and fast, soft and harsh, slow and quick. We had tried time and time again to come up with something original that would compare to our popular covers, although we could never find something that worked. However, when I brought just a shred of a tune to them and sung the opening line, we were all hooked.
"As the Great once said, 'yours is the light by which my spirit's born. You are my sun, my moon, and all my stars'.
The bass and electric crescendo as my voice rang out into the audience who cheered and swayed to the thick beat of Tyler's drumming. Then everything fell to the slow hushed noise of just my guitar.
"You are the light that shines through my soul, weighted down so deep in the musk of darkness, a light that I always knew existed but never thought could clear the webs. You are the light. You are my light."
The lights on the shade dimmed and finally blacked out as the last cord of my final note ended and the screams and shouts of the crowd filling the coffee bar were the only thing you could hear. We quickly exited off the stage. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I couldn't throw my guitar into the case soon enough.
I sprinted out from behind the stage and tried to push passed all the guys from the baseball team who each insisted on giving me a hard slap on the back and the tall leggy cheerleaders who batted their eyelashes and called me 'Eddie'. However, my mind was on a one-way track that pointed straight to Isabella Swan. A million different questions ran through my mind as I tried to make my way through the crowd of people trying to order coffee or making their way out of the small java house.
Was the song too much?
What does this mean for us?
Why are you finally working up nerve now to do something about this!?
Just as I cleared the last wall of sweaty teenagers keeping me from seeing Bella, the table at which she had been sitting was now empty. The only sign of her being there was the left over cup of coffee and a dozen napkins that had been ripped into small pieces.
I frantically whipped my head back and forth, trying to see where she had disappeared. My heart dropped an inch into my stomach for every second that I couldn't find her.
"Bella!" I heard her name called in the distance and my eyes followed the direction of the voice.
I clapped eyes onto Molly Cooper, a pudgy blonde sophomore, as she rushed over to meet the brown haired brown-eyed girl I'd been trying to dazzle all night long.
She looked uncomfortable as she backed towards the door that led out to the street. She said just a few words to Molly before her eyes panned over to mine, connecting with my confused and intense stare. She looked like a doe caught in the line of fire. I was the hunter and she was my prey.
"Bella!" I called out to her, waving my hand in the air.
Her gaze slid to the ground, she said something to her friend before moving more quickly towards the exit.
"What the hell," I muttered to myself.
Thinking fast I jumped back onto the stage and ran towards the back exit of the building, not even stopping to respond to my band mates' questioning expressions and their calling my name. My feet pounded heavily against the pavement as I rounded the corner of the ally and finally found myself in front of the store. I panicked for a moment that I would be too late and she would already be sitting in a car headed back to Forks.
To my immense relief, I could see her just in the distance, leaning up against the corner of the building next to the coffee house. She was hugging herself tightly, her arms forcing a vice around her torso. I longed to run to her and pull her in my arms, to wipe the dejected look off of her beautiful face. I was so confused and a little hurt at her abrupt exit.
"Bella?" She hadn't seen me coming, or at least she must not have thought that I would follow her out of the building, because she jumped at the sound of her name and gave me another one of those 'dear caught in headlights' looks as I approached her.
She turned away from me.
"What's all this about?" I asked softly, reaching for her shoulder, hoping that she would turn around and at least talk to me.
At the mere touch of my fingers against her shoulder she jerked forward. She twisted violently to face me and was suddenly screaming in my face.
"Is this some kind of joke to you Edward? I thought that we were…" She paused, her big brown eyes finally meeting my gaze. She looked just as confused and hurt as I felt. "Never mind. How did I ever think that we could be…". Bella trailed off again but gave up this time. She turned back around and started to walk down Fifth Street. I followed helplessly.
"Thought that we were what? What's going on Bella? I don't understand why you're upset. Was it the song?" I felt like a puppy following around its owner.
She turned around again suddenly and I ran right into her small figure. I had to grab her arms to keep her from falling backwards onto the sidewalk.
"I thought that we were friends Edward! Sure maybe not good friends, but I thought that you were funny and that maybe I was some much-needed witty conversation in your average numbskull filled days. But then you go and…and…"
I didn't know if I should try to explain, be offended, or ask for more clarity.
"What Isabella!?" I finally yelled, frustrated with how my perfect evening was going.
I watched in horror as tears began to form in her eyes.
"You think I'm a joke. I thought we were friend and then you have to go and do something so cruel like this." She sniffled through her words. "You're just like the rest of them."
She tried to pull away from the hold I had on her, but I wasn't willing to let go just yet. The metaphorical light bulb had just gone off inside my head as I watched a single tear run down her face.
"Bella, this, tonight, was supposed to be me asking you out on a date. That song, you know the one that I asked you about the first day in class? It's all about you. It's for you. Isabella Marie Swan, I love you. My heart hasn't stopped pounding from the moment you walked into fifth period Biology."
I was out of breath and probably holding onto her upper arms too hard, but I feared that if I loosen my grip at all she would slip from between my fingers like sand on a windy day.
We stood in silence, our eyes never leaving each other's.
"What?" She finally whispered into the night air.
"Oh for Christ sakes," I muttered, exasperated at the whole interaction and misunderstanding that was unfolding.
My words were not getting across, so I did the only thing that I thought was appropriate at that point. I yanked her body even closer to my own; until there was no space left between the two of us, and touched my lips to her soft full one's. It was gentle and delicate, no movement at all, just a peck. But it was enough action for her to grasp onto my words.
She slipped her fingers back into the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling me closer to her as we deepened the kiss together. She was awkward and shy, but her kisses seemed experienced and hot, something that I would ponder over when I lay in bed tonight.
I let go of our arms and instead wrapped them around her waist, pulling her as close as she could get to my body. She was soft and warm; my imagination had not done her justice. We clung to each other as our kisses turned to a desperate make out session for any bystanders to see. However, I could not care less about who saw us, as our tongues met in a battle for dominance that ended in duel submission of creasing tongues and presses lips. I felt like I was a dying star, slowly imploding from the inside.
When she finally pulled away from my mouth, her breathing was labored. Her hot puffs of air that hit my ear made me shiver as I kissed along her neck.
"I love you too." She whispered between breaths.
~ ooOoo ~
"Edward, what are you doing here?" She looked at me like I had gone mad. Although, in her defense, it was quite possible that my closely-knit seams were starting to bust once again.
"I need to ask you something. Can I come in?"
Lizzy was my oldest friend. The only one who managed to stare at all my scars and skeletons and still stand next to me. She was the one who got to see what I was like when I left. The person who watched me become the successful businessman, who stood beside me, took my hand and helped me build all that I owned today. She was the true rock of what I hope one day will be called the Cullen Empire. She could never replace family but she was the closest thing that I had to it in Chicago.
"Of course," she moved to the side and let me into her hotel room, "what's going on Cullen?"
"I…I'm about to do something that you won't approve of, but I need you to hear me out and take what I say seriously."
"Um, okay. Should I be scare?" She eyed me curiously as I paced back and forth in front of her. "This isn't going to be another merger idea is it, because the last one nearly killed me with all that paperwork."
"No, this doesn't have to do with business. This is personal."
She walked over to the bed that looked to have already been slept in, and for the first time I took in her night attire. She was dressed much the same as I was, in a pair of ratty sweatpants and a Columbia shirt.
"Did I wake you?"
"I was barely asleep when they phoned up that you were here. I don't sleep very well when I'm on the road anyways, you know that."
I stared at Elisabeth just then. I had known that she was pretty the moment I meet her. I'm almost positive that it was the first thing to run through my mind as I opened the door to her red, angry face that wanted justice for the broken TV that she lugged all the way across campus to put in front of my door. And yet, I had never once wanted to be anything more than friends with my smart whip of a lawyer.
"Yes, I do know that." And that was the reason that I need you. The reason that you're the only one I could ask this question to if it couldn't be the person I wanted it to be.
"So, get on with it already Cullen, the anticipation is killing me."
I sighed, feeling that the next five minutes of my life would either be the best decision of my life or make me one miserable bastard until they put me six feet under.
"Lizzy, I just want to start by saying that I'm not drunk. I am not high on any sort of drug, and I have taken all of my medication in the last twenty-four hours." I sat down next to her on the bed, fearing that my legs were going to give out at any minute.
"Well that's all reassuring C, but I don't see where this is going. Is this about Bella?"
I raked my fingers roughly through my hair.
"Yes…and no." I was beating around the bush and I knew it.
"Get on with it before I die of old age Edward."
I took her hands from off of her lap and held them in my own. They didn't feel bad, they were warm and small, but they weren't quite right. But I was out of options.
"Elizabeth Cordelia Reynolds," I took one last deep breath and let it out, "will you marry me?"
A/N:
Dun, Dun, DUN! And the plot thickens. Poor Edward, he's such a hot mess.
Well it's Wednesday again, and I'm back. I hope you enjoyed this interesting and enlighten chapter. It seems to be a lot easier for me to write in Edward's POV when compared to Bella's. We get to know her from the very beginning, but Edward is just a mysterious figure who came and went from her life. Now we get to see where it all started. This chapter kind of got away from me, so there will be one more chapter in EPOV before we get to where we left off with Bella.
On a random side note, the song that Edward sings to Bella is totally fabricated from Google searches and E.E. Cummings poems. Sorry if it sucks. I'm a author not a musician.
I had an amazing response from last chapter. Let me know what you think! Your reviews and kind words are my muse.
F.