A/N: To the guest who left a review asking for longer chapters: Thank you for telling me this. I'll try to, but I can't promise anything. I'm too much of a perfectionist, I guess: I neither have the time nor the energy to write a 4.000 word chapter in one sitting, so I'd have to work on it for a while every other day or so, and I'm afraid it would take forever until I finally feel confident enough about it to post it, so I'd rather post 800 words a week (or even more frequently)... I hope you understand!

Chapter 11

Alex was angry, or at least she was trying to be. How dare Olivia say something like that? How dare she insinuate she was a victim? She wasn't! Nothing had happened that would make her a victim! She had just been stupid. Therein lay the important difference: It was never the victims fault – she completely agreed with that. But what had happened to her had been her fault, ergo: she wasn't a victim. Easy as that. Except that it wasn't...

"You don't even know what you're talking about!" Alex spat out defensively, not prepared for Olivia's response. Her "Then tell me!" was oh so low, oh so gentle, and it hurt. It hurt because deep down, Alex knew that by now, Liv was worried sick about her. She knew she was behaving like a victim. But that didn't mean she was one! She didn't even have the right to act the way she was acting. Nothing had happened. She was supposed to be fine!

"I promise it's not what you think, Liv! I wasn't... raped, and I'm not being abused" Alex started lowly, only repeating what she had already told her friend a few nights ago. "I was just stupid. And now I'm freaking out and I can't stop."

Olivia knew something was wrong. Alex barely slept, barely ate, barely smiled. She had almost broken down in the precinct and only days later showed up on her doorstep crying. It wasn't nothing. It was so much more than nothing!

"Alex..."

"I can't tell you, Liv. Please..." Alex paused when she realized her voice was shaking.

"Why? Why do you think you can't tell me?"

"BECAUSE IT'S MY FAULT!"

They both seemed shocked by Alex's outburst. Olivia opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again when she realized she didn't know what to say. Instead, she tried to look Alex in the eyes but failed because the blonde kept averting her gaze. "No matter what happened: If someone pressured your or hurt you or did something that scared you, it's not your fault!"

Alex snorted. "Right now, the only one pressuring and hurting and scaring me are you, Liv!"

Olivia knew that was her cue to back off, but she couldn't. "Alex... From what I'm seeing here, you're in so much pain right now that it's tearing you apart. And maybe it's unfair of me to keep pushing you, but to be honest, I just don't know what to do anymore. When I let you control the situation or what we talk about, you keep giving me cues that I know you know I will interpret and link to each other. But once we're actually getting somewhere, you shut me out completely. I know you're scared, and I know this is not easy for you. And I'm trying to respect that. But sometimes I feel like you're the one not respecting that! … so what are you scared of?"

Alex hesitated, and Olivia was genuinely surprised when she finally opened up:

"I'm scared of everything, Liv" Alex whispered. "One the one hand, I keep telling myself that this whole thing is not as dramatic as you probably think now. Like I have exaggerated it too much that – no matter what I say, you'll never believe that "that's it". And on the other hand, I'm just... overwhelmed because of everything I'm feeling. And sometimes I'm not sure whether I can handle it. But then I think of all these women whose cases I have prosecuted. Of what they have been through. And then I feel so ridiculous, because nothing really happened to me, but it still affects me so much. I just feel like I've completely lost control over myself - my feelings, my behavior, my mind, my... body. And that terrifies me, Liv. Deep down I know that what happened was more than "nothing". But it wasn't the something that would justify feeling and acting the way I am right now."

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked gently, and Alex hesitated for a moment. Her answer broke Olivia's heart:"Violated. Lost. Broken. Damaged. Scared. Dirty. Humiliated. Pathetic."

The detective gasped involuntarily but didn't respond, encouraging Alex to continue.

"I let someone have sex with me. I didn't want it, but I didn't say no. That's it. End of story."

Olivia hesitated, sensing that there was more to it. Once again, she gave Alex the opportunity to elaborate on what she had just said, but this time, the blonde didn't. Well then...

"That's not nothing, Alex, but I doubt it's the whole story!"

Fuck.

Alex bit her lip, trying to look anywhere but into her friend's eyes. Immediately noticing Alex's discomfort, Olivia intervened. "Thank you for trusting me with this, Alex. I know I've pushed you tonight, and I hope you know I didn't do it to hurt you!" She paused, subtly glancing towards the clock. 2:16. Oh boy... "Look... It's late, and I think you really need to get some rest. How can I make you feel safe enough to fall asleep, Alex?"

The blonde gulped. "Leave the lights on. Let me look under the couch, the armchair, behind the curtains and each and every corner in the room. I cannot fall asleep if I'm in a corner with the wall to my left, because it gives me flashbacks of being trapped and smothered. I haven't slept in my own bed in months, I only sleep on my couch for a few hours every other night. Sometimes I sleep in the tiny little niche between my desk and the wall, or I just fall asleep while working and wake up with my head on some folders. When I'm in the shower, I tend to feel the urge to scrub my skin off, and then I hate myself for it because nothing actually happened and I don't have the right to feel this way. But I can't stop, and I can't breathe and I just feel so vulnerable and pathetic that I just want to scream. And when I do, I eventually start crying or shaking or both, because I haven't felt safe in over a year and I'm scared that's never going to change"

Alex couldn't say any of that out aloud, though - Olivia would only think she was crazy. Weak. Pathetic. She couldn't tell her. Couldn't ever let her find out the whole truth.

… but she was so tired! She hadn't slept in almost two days, and it was taking a toll on her. She knew she needed to sleep, and she knew that wasn't going to happen – not if she was all alone in Olivia's living room – alone with her feelings and fears and thoughts and memories. Alex sighed and involuntarily tightened the blanket around her. Before she had realized she was saying something, the words were out already, and Alex hated how needy and vulnerable she sounded:

"Don't leave!"

I got really excited when I cracked the 50-reviews-mark with this story (and for the first time ever on this website). Do you guys think we can make it to 100? :)