Olivia's Mistake:

The Guilt After the Giving In

Kim Greylek turned and eyed Olivia now, just having placed the key into the lock of her apartment door and turning it. The right side of her mouth lifted in a smirk. "Detective? Second thoughts?" She pushed the door open.

Olivia held her elbows against her body more firmly, hugging her upper arms as if to comfort herself. She was in that drunk phase where one is chilled, a little shaky, and wants the comfort of a warm shower, a warm bed, and a good night's sleep. She wondered, for the twentieth time since they had gotten out of the cab and had walked through the lobby and ridden the elevator up to the attorney's apartment, if she should cancel this impending decision before it really got started.

But she had a feeling that Kim Greylek knew what she was doing in the bedroom. Olivia's body had gone from zero to eighty in just a matter of seconds in the taxi, just from being close to her; and her tongue, her hands, her fingers had Olivia's body desiring more of those sensations. She wanted to see just exactly what Kim's mouth could do. She wanted to feel the closeness of her body, wanted to feel desired and feel her own body's tension being expelled as only a good orgasm could do.

Yes, she would let Kim Greylek satiate her, but just this once. She would experience pleasure only this one time, and that would be that.

"No…I haven't…" Olivia tried a brief smile and looked into those clear blue eyes before she moved to pass her in the doorway, moving further into the darkened space, hearing the door close behind her.

"Can I get you another drink?" Kim asked just as the space illuminated from a tiny lamp next to the sofa.

"No…I'll just have a glass of water…" Olivia folded her arms again and slowly stepped into the den area.

It was a small apartment—cozy even. Simple beige two-seater sofa with simple red throw pillows, a patio door along the far wall, two end tables flanking the seating space, a coffee table with a splaying of magazines, and a credenza with a mid-sized TV on it. Simple and not too frilly.

Olivia had imagined that the décor of the younger woman would be decked out in pinks and purples, country frilly, lace and doilies and crocheted blankets on the back of the sofa. But she had been mistaken. Olivia looked to her left to see a hallway that led back to a darkened area, and Olivia imagined that this was where the bedrooms and/or the bedroom was located.

Where were they going to do this? Olivia wondered.

She didn't want the formality of making out on the sofa and then going back to the bedroom. She didn't want to see the bedroom at all. She didn't want any formality whatsoever. She just wanted satisfaction. Quick. Rough. Done. And her plan was to leave soon after it was over. No spending the night. No sleeping side by side. Nothing to foreshadow even the remote possibility of a relationship.

"Here you go…" her sultry voice said softly, within centimeters of her ear.

Olivia took the glass that was being held in front of her and felt the hairs on the back of her neck ruffle as the attorney's breath hit it and she closed her eyes briefly. She then felt hands on her lower belly, sliding upward along her rib cage, just grazing below her breasts. Then, she felt light thumbs lightly caress the bottoms of her breasts in a slow rhythmic motion.

"I have wanted you for a long time, Detective…" she whispered before her mouth was felt on Olivia's neck, soft lips kissing, her tongue gliding along her skin. "You don't know how hard it's been to work with you, see you in those tight shirts, wonder what it would be like with you…"

Olivia leaned forward, towards the coffee table, feeling her heart rate increasing, and placed her glass of water on the low surface before standing upright once more.

She was here for one thing. No foreplay. No talking. No build up.

She turned now and watched as Kim took a large tortoise shell pin from her hair and shook out her honey blonde locks, her gaze not leaving the brunette.

Then, the aggressive ADA was on her as mouths hungrily tasted the other, tongues probing, breathing heavy. Kim's hands moved to Olivia's waist, slowly sliding up to her breasts and clenching their fullness before beginning to roughly remove the brunette's blazer and throw it on the ground before beginning work to lift her sweater and then work on her blouse buttons.

Olivia's breathing was labored now as she kept her eyes closed, focusing on the attorney's mouth kissing her, her full, wet lips now moving to her neck, her upper chest, the brunette clasping the bottom hem of her shirt to lift Greylek's black top over her head, the ladies not breaking long to do so.

Kim began moving Olivia towards the sofa, backing her into it, the ladies' hands everywhere—in hair, on backs, clutching asses, bodies pressed to bodies.

Kim shoved Olivia firmly now and the brunette, in her inebriated state, found herself sitting, the room spinning from the motion. Then, She-ra-like strength and her pants were unbuttoned and unzipped, her badge flying somewhere in the movement, and her black jeans pulled mightily off of her body. The attorney knelt now, on the floor in between the brunette's knees, Olivia now only clad in her black, lace panties and bra, already feeling herself ready with wetness.

"You look even more amazing than I imagined…" Kim placed her hands on Olivia's breasts now, leaning forward, her mouth going to her left nipple through the black lace fabric and biting.

Olivia sat up quickly and removed the hindrance before leaning back once again, Kim's mouth now being placed on her bare skin.

Olivia gasped and threw her head back, taking the back of Kim's head in her hands roughly, tugging her closer, her breathing intensifying.

Kim pulled away and leaned back, further parting the detective's thighs, and smiled. Olivia panted through heavy lids, eyeing Kim's gaze as it roamed her body.

"Jesus, Detective…" She shook her head, "…absolutely gorgeous…so fit, so in sha—"

"Please...stop talking…" Olivia whispered.

Kim smiled and grinned knowingly, moving her left knee into the brunette's crotch now, Olivia not able to keep her hips from lifting slightly from the contact.

The attorney leaned forward towards Olivia now, placing her forefingers beneath the lacy fabric and hooking her forefingers through the thin waistband of her panties, and tugging downward, the brunette facilitating by lifting her feet and backside to aid in their removal. Then, Kim's mouth was on her as she began slowly, her tongue felt Heavenly—silky smooth motions against her lower lips—and Olivia could feel how easily it slid along her already soaked folds.

Olivia kept her eyes closed now, letting her fingers return to the attorney's tresses once more, and leaned her head back further into the sofa.

A face began to appear behind her eyelids—porcelain complexion, light brown brows, cerulean pools, gorgeously cute nose, silky flaxen hair—and she moaned as she couldn't keep her mind from returning to the woman that had brought her so much pleasure in her past. The woman she had been in love with. The woman that was no longer hers.

Kim continued and so did Olivia's fantasy. Alex's breasts were perfect—the right size, so firm, nipples always so perky—especially when she was around the brunette. They seemed to be at attention constantly when they were together and the same was true for her own telltale area of the body.

Olivia gasped now as Kim began swirling her clit with her tongue and Olivia began lifting her hips, wishing for firmer contact as she thought of the love of her life. Her hips began to move upward still, hard now against Greylek's working mouth and the detective began to make tortured sounds, her body wishing a release so badly.

But it wasn't Alex. Would never be Alex again.

As hard as she tried to keep it from happening, she felt those emotions creep in now, her eyes misting with sadness. She hadn't broken down and let herself cry about she and the blonde attorney's long-lost relationship in almost a year, but it seemed the thought of her seeping back into her brain, and the pleasure she was being given at that exact moment, along with the immense guilt that she felt, was as though a betrayal to her beautiful Alex Cabot at that moment, all hit her at once.

Olivia panted now, moaning as Kim's fingers began pressing for entry, her mouth still working the brunette's bud with a euphoric pattern.

Olivia kept her left hand on Kim's head and quickly swiped the tear that was rolling down her cheek with her right, feeling her face contort with emotion, with pleasure, with the orgasm that was so close, the satisfying buzz was beginning to take hold from deep within in her core.

"K…I…" Olivia panted before quietly scrunching her eyes closed and letting her body take the pleasure as it rolled throughout her body. The only sounds heard now were Olivia's blood racing inside of her head and Kim's mouth continuing to work as the detective's body slowly came down.

Olivia didn't give Kim the satisfaction of a scream, of a moan. Those sounds were for lovers. Those sounds were for comfort. Those sounds were for people who loved each other.

Those sounds had been for Alex.

She opened her eyes to find Kim smirking at her now, standing and unclasping her own bra, hooking her own thumbs into her waistband and pulling her own panties down. She sat next to Olivia and let the light touch of her forefinger start at her shoulder and travel down her bicep and along her forearm, still grinning at the brunette.

Olivia lay, hands now relaxed on either side of her, and closed her eyes once more, allowing her breathing to even out. Another very clear memory of Alex's lithe body in her mind now, the blonde approaching the bed slowly, smiling, those sexy glasses on, and Olivia felt a rush of sensuality once again.

Olivia didn't return the grin. Instead, she moved to place her body on Kim's, ready to return the favor, ready to give the honey-blonde satisfaction, as well, as she had done for her.

Olivia opened her eyes, the room blurry but gradually coming into focus. Closed curtains in front of her. She was laying along the length of a sofa and, when she looked down, she noticed that her arms and shins and feet were exposed, a tan, pashmina blanket covering her.

Kim's apartment. But where is Kim? Olivia sat up quickly now, holding the throw against her to cover her bare chest, and looked around, not seeing the attorney anywhere in sight. Then she heard a sound coming from one of the rooms down the hallway…a bathroom? A sink? A shower? It sounded like enough water pressure in the pipes to be a shower. Thank God.

Now was her chance. She threw the blanket off of her and located her bra and panties first, hastily placing them on, almost tipping over in the process. Then she grabbed her jeans and blouse and haphazardly put those on, as well.

My badge? She patted her hips and then began to toss aside throw pillows in an almost panic, letting them fly where they may. She reached in and felt in between the cushions, her fingers touching a hard firm point of the bottom corner of her shield, and pulled it from the depths, clipping it onto her duty belt quickly. Her back pocket still had her phone in it. How? She didn't know. And her jeans still had her apartment keys in them. Once more. How? She didn't know.

She threw her sweater and blazer over her left forearm now and ran her right hand through her hair as she moved to the door just as she heard the squeaking of knobs being turned, water being shut off. She opened the door stealthily, feeling the rush of the cold air from the hallway, and closing it just as quickly and quietly behind her.

Opting for a faster route than standing there waiting for the elevator and running the risk of Kim coming out and asking her where she was going or why she was leaving so quickly, she made her way to the stairwell, opened the door, and began descending the four flights.

Then, she felt it—that lump in her throat. She swallowed hard and felt the sting of tears begin their descent from the tops of her nasal passages. She sniffed, continuing to fly down the stairs, now feeling as her eyes filled with tears and they began to well, virtually impeding her vision.

She pushed the bar of the stairwell door of the final level of the building open with force, her lower lip now trembling.

What have I done?

"Alex…" she said softly, her crying intensifying.

She began to cry as she made her way out into the now-frigid night air, walking and walking and walking, hugging her arms close to her body as she continued to cry, wondering what she had done and how she could be so stupid.

She continued walking East, her sobs coming harder now, as she spotted a taxi that was still on duty at two in the morning. She leaned forward to catch eyes with the driver, wiping her eyes quickly and trying a smile as he rolled the window down.

"Can you take me to Midtown East, 57th and 2nd?"

The cabbie motioned with his hand and head and then closed his window as Olivia slipped into the back and shut the door behind her.

She sat now, resting her elbow on the ledge of the door, hand over her mouth, her tears falling all over again as she replayed what had just happened, how she could have been such an unrestrained animal, and wondering what Alex was doing right at that moment.

She wished she could call her, hear her voice. God, that voice that she could listen to for hours and hours—and had. Some of the happiest times that she spent with the leggy, blonde attorney were those just talking. They had become best friends. They had become lovers. They had become connected unlike anything Olivia had ever felt with another in her entire life.

And now she was gone.

Try as she may, the brunette just couldn't seem to come to terms with this fact, no matter how hard she tried.

She missed Alex like the living miss breathing.

She missed her and felt her heart didn't beat the same any longer.