A/N:
Note to self: do not write fic in pink sharpie. It is impossible to read.
Oh, and I forgot to thank KarmaLord for the prompt/idea in the last chapter. You asked for Katniss to be diagnosed with cancer, but I just can't deliver on that one. You DID inspire me to write something more painful and dramatic, though, and here it is.
**Remember, the events in this chapter take place BEFORE the events in the previous chapter!
Don't own Hunger Games. Enjoy.
September 4
3:09pm
Gale catches my shoulder as we leave command. "Why are you with them now?" He jerks his head back toward the door to the room where Coin, Boggs, and Plutarch sit. "Why'd you just give up?"
"I didn't give up," I say, shrugging off Gale's hand and leaning against the wall to face him.
"You were tearing your hair out arguing with Plutarch and Coin last week, and today you go in and say 'okay' to everything they say. How's that not giving up?" His irritation is quickly becoming something more dangerous.
"It's just…" I start, rubbing my forehead and looking down at my shoes. "Maybe…well, maybe I want it to stay." I press my lips together and brace myself for the tirade that's sure to follow.
"Goddamnit Katniss!" Gale slams his hand into the wall. "But you know—but—you can't—shit!" He's too angry even to yell at me. He sighs. "Why? Just—why?"
Tears spring to my eyes. I indignantly wipe them away, embarrassed. This is my own careful choice. Why do I feel bad about sharing it with Gale, my best friend? Why am I on the verge of crying? Because I'm fucking pregnant, that's why. But I haven't even been feeling that today.
I fidget with the end of my braid and keep my eyes trained downward. "Because," I whisper, "Because I don't want to lose him."
Gale huffs loudly. "Right," he says. "Star crossed lovers." His voice is thick with sarcasm. "I thought you knew that was all over, Katniss." Gale turns away and starts down the hall, hitting the wall with his fist as he goes.
"Damnit," I sigh. I knew he wouldn't understand. But I'd still hoped that he would. I knew he'd take it badly, think that I'm choosing Peeta over him. In a way, I suppose I am, deciding to keep Peeta's child inside me despite Gale's wish that I wouldn't. I don't mean to, though. I don't know who I love, but right now it feels like both of them. I wouldn't want Gale or Peeta to completely disappear from my life.
I start wandering aimlessly down the hallway. I wish that the nausea that usually plagues me would come on. I want to hole up in the bathroom and expel my feelings with today's lunch. But I feel well. My muscles don't feel heavy or sore, and my stomach is calm. I consider going to the laundry room for a nap, but my emotions are running too hot. My schedule has me in atomic history class, but I know that Game is supposed to be there as well. I'm sure he won't be happy to see me so soon.
I head to the kitchen where Greasy Sae and a few other women are beginning to prepare dinner. I lean against the counter where Sae is chopping carrots. "Hey," she says brightly.
"Hey," I mutter back.
"You hungry?" she inquires.
"No," I say.
"Sick?"
"No." I sigh.
"You will be pretty soon, so you better eat now." Sae winks at me, then turns to get a roll from the pantry.
"Thanks." I smile a little as she hands me the bread. I take a bite and immediately think of Peeta. I exhale deeply.
"You need cheese?" Greasy Sae asks. She has good reason to. Since my cravings kicked in a few weeks ago, I'd made a habit of visiting the kitchen and asking for snacks. Bread and cheese was my usual request.
But the thought of bread and cheese reminds me too much of Peeta bringing over baskets of cheese buns the week that I'd broken my foot and he had cared for me. I think of us lying in bed before the Quell, pressing our lips and then our bodies together. I wish we hadn't had sex. I wish the baby didn't exist. But for completely different reasons now. I don't feel like it's a burden anymore. I just feel so guilty about changing my mind.
I sink down to the floor and sit with my back against the wooden cabinets under the counter. Sae glances over at me and abandons her carrots. "Hey, what's the problem?" she asks, sitting down beside me.
"Peeta," I mutter. "And Gale."
Sae gives a derisive snort. "Men, right? Always the problem."
"Well, no, I just—I'm not sure about the abortion," I say, wondering if my ramblings are making any sense.
"They're letting you?" Sae asks, gasping slightly.
"'Course not," I say. "I just feel like maybe I actually want to keep it. Not just because they're making me." Since I'd started stopping by the kitchen, I'd started spilling my complaints to Sae. She had become a receptive set of ears, always ready to hear my latest rant about emotions, nausea, my mother, and most often, Coin. Before now, I hadn't realized how much I count on Sae to listen to me.
"I knew there'd be some mama in you eventually," Sae says, patting my arm.
"I'm doing it for Peeta," I say to my knees.
"You're doing it for you," she insists, "Peeta is just your reason."
I sigh deeply. "Gale hates me."
"He won't for very long," Sae murmurs, "He loves you too much."
"Wish he wouldn't," I say. "Then maybe he wouldn't be so fucking disgusted by Peeta. And the baby." The tears are coming again.
"Hey," Sae says quietly, gripping my arm, "You make whatever decision you want. With your body, your choice is always the best."
I nod, hastily wiping away tears with my sleeve. "You gonna be okay?" Sae asks. I nod again. "You sure? You feeling sick at all?"
"No," I say, trying not to sob, "I feel good." I let out a shaky breath, knowing that I probably don't look all that good. I realize that I'm still holding the roll. I don't really want it anymore.
Sae seems to realize that as well. "You want something else? Milk? Jerky? Oatmeal?"
"Anything," I say, setting the bitten roll on the counter above my head. Sae disappears to the pantry for a moment and returns with a square of chewy compressed oatmeal and a glass of milk.
"Thank you," I whisper, and I don't mean just for the food.
Sae understands. She pushes stray hairs out of my face and watches me eat for a minute. "Alright," she says. "Finish up and get out of my spot. I got work to do, you know."
I leave the kitchen and start back down the hall, trying to scrape oatmeal out of my teeth with the tip of my tongue. I walk up and down flights of stairs and down obscure hallways, trying to both pass the time and get my mind back in order.
Sae's words have strengthened me a little, given me some assurance that I'm okay. I feel better, in both body and mind. I jog down the hall until I'm touching the wall at the end of the corridor. Then I start in the opposite direction and run the hall again.
Soon I'm sprinting back and forth and back and forth until I'm sweaty and out of breath. It feels amazing to be exercising after all the weeks of Coin denying my requests to train. My breasts don't feel sore and weighed down. My feet are light instead of trudging.
I smooth my hand over the still flat expanse of stomach where I know the baby resides. I haven't made this motion before, I always associated it with love for the fetus, and that was something I'd refused to feel. Until now. "Peeta," I whisper.
I have no idea what time it is, so I head back to my family's apartment. When I open the door, Gale is sitting in the chair across from my mother. He stands when he sees me. I automatically retreat back into the hall.
Gale follows, shutting the door behind him. I know this is going to be a repeat of our earlier argument. Neither one of us lets go easily.
"Why weren't you at dinner?" He begins. "I thought pregnant women needed proper nutrition."
"I ate with Sae," I reply coolly.
Gale can't contain himself. "Katniss, you're fucking seventeen. You don't want this. Whatever you think you feel, you don't want this."
"Why is this your problem, Gale?" I ask quietly. I don't want to cry again. But my head is already beginning to throb with imminent tears. "It's not yours."
"You think I don't fucking know that?" He's beginning to yell.
"There's no way they'll let me have an abortion anyway," I say, "What does it matter if I want to keep it? It'll all end up the same anyway." I will myself not to cry.
"He's already changed you too much! You're not who you used to be, Katniss. I don't like it. This is just too much!"
"Gale, I—" I don't know what to say. He may be right on this one.
The apartment door opens, and my mother steps out. "Katniss," she whispers, her arms open to embrace me, rescue me.
"No," I say, striding down the hall away from both of them. "Goddamnit, not today."
I try to open the first door I come to, but it's locked. I try the next one, and that door opens easily. It's an apartment similar to mine. I see a jacket on the floor beside the desk, so this room probably belongs to someone. I can't care about that at the moment, though, because a wave of dizziness crashes down on me and I have to stumble to the bed before I pass out.
I curl on my side with my head almost touching my knees. The throbbing in my temples has increased, so I shut my eyes and let the tears fall.
A/N: Reviews feed my muse! More to come.