Mentions of abuse-still T
Sebastian Stan once said in an interview he felt that Bucky Barnes/Winter Solider would have the worst case of ADD and his thoughts would bounce all over the place due to his memory coming back in flashes and the things Hydra put him through so I hope the 'thoughts' make sense.
Steve felt sick to his stomach and had to force himself to breath. Bucky. How long has he been in New York? He was in Brooklyn. He came home. Does he even remember that it was home once?
He sat down next to Bucky and frowned at the state of him. He was thin, dirty and had a long dark beard. I'm so sorry. I should have had a team look for you, I should have grabbed you...I shouldn't have asked you to join the team. They offered you an out and I should have made you take it. You would have gone home, settled down, watched Becca settle down...you would have lived your life, thought Steve. Bucky stirred and started muttering in Russian. Natasha had taught him some and he recognized what sounded like 'no' 'objectives understood' and 'mission completed'.
Natasha had given him the Russian Hydra files and Tony had somehow managed to recover a bit of Zola's program from the bombed out SHIELD base and had given Steve the notes on the Winter Soldier program a few weeks ago after D.C in hopes it would give them some more clues about where he could have gone. It just made him sick to know everything that had been done to his friend. Try talking to him...make him remember something.
"Do you remember the last letter you got from Becca? It was right before the Alps? She told you she got spotted by some artist named Vargas. Turns out he was the guy that did all those pin ups pictures in those Esquire magazines Falsworth had on hand. She turned into a rather famous model after that...well we would have considered it risque, but it's actually tame and cliche by today's standards. They called her Becky Bee the Pin-up Queen. I should have made you go home. Someone needed to tell her no and she wouldn't have listened to me. Or who knows you might have let her do it just to date the other models. She did meet up with one called Bettie Page who was even more famous but not as cute as our girl," said Steve.
He had looked up Becca a few months after he came back. She was still alive and well into her late 80's at the time. She had come back to New York around the time he had been thawed out and was in a nursing home near Brooklyn. She had gone out West and settled in California after the modeling had dried up in the mid 50's. She settled down and had two kids, worked at a bakery until the late 90's. She also penned a book about growing up with him and Bucky. Girl knew how to keep herself busy.
"There were just too many ghosts here Steve. I needed to be somewhere and not see you and Bucky on every corner. I came back because I was ready to be with my ghosts," she told him when he came to see her and he asked about her move to California and her move back. Is that why you came back? You were ready to be with your ghosts.
He hadn't been to see her in a while, about six months. He hadn't told her Bucky was alive. What could he tell her anyway? Bucky didn't die, he was taken in by Hydra scientists and tortured to become an assassin who tried to kill me.
Bucky stirred and he opened his eyes. He looked at Steve and started struggling against his bonds.
"Hey...hey," He wouldn't stop struggling and was starting to turn red in the face. "Bucky calm down."
"Mission...mission...end the line….Steve…" he was going to hurt himself if he kept struggling. He was going to have to be sedated and he didn't know how to do it or if it could even be done. Defeated he asked Friday to page Alison to come up. She was the only medic here right now. Hope she didn't leave.
…
"So you've spent the last year looking for Bucky Barnes who didn't die in 1944 after falling off a train and was instead kidnapped and turned into an assassin called the Winter Soldier by Hydra and the Russians?" asked Alison finished her drink and seriously debating a second one after hearing Sam's story about everything that happened in D.C.
Sam explained that when Barnes had been captured by Zola in 1943 they gave him some sort of Super Soldier Serum which would explain how he survived the fall. He hadn't aged due to being put in a cryochamber in between missions. This is...I don't have words for how disgusted I am. Zola had been talked about in one of her pre nursing classes. He was credited with creating a new form of skin grafting and treatments for blindness, but how he found them was so unethical people didn't really like to talk about it. Do no harm is the first rule of medicine and that was tossed right out the window when you look at him.
"You are a quick one," said Tony pouring his third drink. Alison shook her head and looked at Sam.
"Is that why you've been damn near impossible to get a hold of the last year or so?" asked Alison.
"I couldn't tell you for obvious reasons. I mean would you have believed me?" asked Sam.
"Well compared to all the other stuff you've told me about this actually sounds slightly on the sane side. So what happens to him now?" asked Alison. He looked so pitiful it made her feel sorry for him. Technically he had been a POW and shouldn't be charged with any crime. She had a feeling he had gone through enough punishment for several life times. God what did they do to him...that arm was just the least of it.
"Well SHIELD would have been the one to file charges and since they're gone they can't. I'm not sure if the Army would. If we keep him on the downlow he shouldn't have any charges brought up," said Sam.
"He shouldn't have any brought against him. He wasn't in control of his own actions," said Alison.
"I know that and you know that, but he did kill a lot of people and he's going to have to face that," said Sam. Tony made a face and finished his drink
As you pointed out he wasn't in control of his own actions, but he clearly needs a padded room and a lot of medication," said Tony and Alison got up to get another drink.
"You don't think he can be rehabilitated?" asked Alison.
"He spent over 70 years in meat locker when he wasn't being mind fried. I have the files if you want some late night reading," said Tony and Sam gave him a look to knock it off. The com buzzed on.
"Is Alison still here?" asked Steve.
"Yep," she called out.
"Um, he's awake and he won't settle down. Can you give him something?" asked Steve and he sounded so defeated. She sat her drink down and headed back upstairs with Sam.
"You mad at me?" asked Sam.
"Not mad. Upset that you weren't more honest about the disappearing act last year. I wouldn't have told anyone. Even if I did...well Franklin might have believed me. He thought Thor and Loki were government projects. He gave me a tin hat when I was discharged as a going away present." Sam gave her a look. "I'm kidding. The tin helps the government steal your thoughts, you need to wrap it in plastic for projection." The look on his face was priceless.
They got off the elevator and saw Steve pacing outside the room. Sam looked in and saw Barnes was fighting his restraints and was yelling in Russian.
"He was worse before I left the room. I'm not sure what we can give him to calm him down," admitted Steve. Alison shook her head.
"I don't think there is enough of anything to calm him down. I mean I'm still vague on stuff here, but if he was given some sort of Super Soldier he's just gonna run out of his system before it takes effect," said Alison recalling a class that had also covered Dr. Erskine and his work. Increased metabolism was one the side effects mentioned. How much of the serum was he given? Did they use the Vita Rays too? This would almost be really fascinating study if the person it happened too had any say in what happened to him, thought Alison.
"They had you on a morphine drip and it was the highest dose they could give a person without killing them and that barely knocked you out," said Sam recalling Steve's time in the hospital after the helicarrier crash. Steve and Sam kept talking and they didn't notice Alison go into the room until the yelling stopped.
….
Meds were not an option, but if he kept the struggle up he was going to tear that I.V out and that was going to hurt too. Alison went into the room to check it and maybe try talking to him. He kept screaming in Russian until she came over and put her hand on his chest. He looked up at her confused and scared, but the screaming stopped.
" Sergeant Barnes. I'm not going to hurt you. We had to restrain you to remove your arm remember? You also toss and turn a lot and I didn't want you ripping out your I.V. This isn't punishment. It's for your safety," explained Alison calmly. She looked at his I.V that had started to come loose.
"I have to put this back in and might hurt for second," said Alison. She adjusted the line and retaped it down. His sharp blue eyes kept watching her like at any second she was going to do something horrible to him. He was clearly dehydrated and malnourished, but somehow still had the body of someone who worked out seven days a week. The nails on his hand had been bitten down to the nub and were caked with dirt. His shoulder length hair was matted and in serious knots. The beard was also a huge matted mess. The white sheets were dirty around him and she imagined he was used to sleeping wherever he could, but she hated that thought of him sleeping in dirt now that he was in a hospital setting. Not to mention if he does have an infection sleeping in his own filth isn't going to help anything.
"I'm going to talk to Steve and see about getting you cleaned up okay. Just relax and I'll be back in a minute or two," said Alison. She walked out and saw Steve and Sam looking at her slightly stunned.
"What did you say to him?" asked Sam.
"Not a lot. Told him the restraints were for his safety. Adjusted his I.V and told him I was going to ask you if I could clean him up," said Alison.
"Well you got him to stop screaming and fighting," said Steve. I didn't think he was going to stop unless we did hook up a drip of something, thought Steve. Steve had watched Bucky when she had been with him. He looked confused, but he didn't try to fight with her. She was quick and knew what she was doing despite dealing with what could be the weirdest patient she had ever seen.
"I'm going to assume that is a good thing," said Alison.
"What sort of nursing did you do?" asked Steve.
"Currently nursing home stuff...umm…"
"She was working towards her APRN-Psychiatric care," said Sam and Alison fought the urge to kick him.
"Was?" asked Steve.
"The loans got to be a little too much," said Alison and she gave Sam a look. Shut your cake hole or I will kill you, thought Alison. Steve looked at her thoughtfully.
"We still don't have a lot of shrinks on staff upstate," said Steve and Alison shook her head. Oh where is this going and why don't I like it? thought Alison
"I barely finished my 3rd year," said Alison.
"We have people still learning upstate," said Steve. "Sam didn't tell you?"
"It hadn't come up yet," said Sam. I was going to bring it up on Monday, but things didn't go as planned. They had scientist on staff still learning so why not their medical staff. Cho had pushed for a teaching program and starting this fall they would have a teaching medical center. Sam had always felt Alison had gotten a bad deal when the higher ups had kicked her out instead of the 'hands on' jackass who started it.
"No loans to take on," said Steve and Alison looked at him confused. "We'll let you do your 3rd year over."
"Wow...um...are you offering me a job right now?" asked Alison. Oh this night has reached a level of crazy that even Franklin couldn't have thought up.
"He seems to trust you and you seem to know what you're doing," said Steve.
"Just think we could be co-workers," said Sam with a grin. Alison grabbed Sam's arm.
"Can you give us a minute?" asked Alison pulling Sam down the hall and into a side room.
"Take your time," called Steve as the door shut. He turned back and saw Bucky was still quiet and looking around the room. What's going on in there Buck? Maybe he was taking a huge leap here offering Alison a post with the Avengers, but she knew Sam and she had gotten his best friend to trust her. Let her take the offer...I'm not sure how to get him to trust anyone else right now.
…..
"This is insanity. Pure and simple. I'm super flattered he thinks I know what I'm doing, but really? Me? You have an unlimited budget. You can have Dr. Phil treating him tomorrow morning...well maybe not Dr. Phil because he is a terrible doctor. But at least he's doctor with some sort of degree," said Alison looking at Sam.
"I forgot how adorable you are during a freak out," said Sam grinning. "The way your voice gets a little high pitched and your eyes get all wide. Super cute."
"I wish I could punch you right now. All joking aside what he is suggesting is crazy and I know crazy. I studied it for three years and I lived with several different flavors of crazy till about ten months ago. I don't know the first thing about James Barnes other than what history class taught us. That man needs serious help, a lot of it and he's going to need it for a long time. What if I can't do it?" I don't want to fail again.
Her last term in nursing school had been a nightmare. She had to miss the fall term after the accident and her instructor that spring had been the worst person ever. Her GPA went from from a 4.0 to a 3.0 under him. One point kept her in the program and even than she a feeling that point was rounded up somewhere. She has passed by the grace of some higher power, but in her eyes it was a huge failure to fall that badly after so many years of work.
"You are a great nurse and if Captain America thinks you can do it then clearly he sees something in you that can't see right now," said Sam.
"Damn you and pep talk logic. Don't you people have a background check process? That is going to suck for me," said Alison. She had half lied about the student loan issue, a background check would dig up everything and that was the last thing she needed. Like how you punched your instructor when he wouldn't keep his damn hands to himself. How it all spiraled out of control.
"I'll take care of it. Just take the job Ally. You're good at this and like I said he sees it in you and you've only known him about three hours tops. By the way, not cool sneaking him out of dinner."
"Not cool not telling me you were bring The Star Spangled Man to dinner. I should still hit you for that," she sighed and he gave her a hug.
"Just think we can have lunch together again," teased Sam. Alison gave him a shove. "It's going to be fine I promise."
Alison and Sam came out the room and Steve looked at them. She looked pale and a little nervous coming up to him.
"So. Sam tells you guys have dental?" asked Alison.
"We also have 401K's," said Steve offering her a hand which she took and he shook it. "Thank you."
"So he's filthy and if we're going to start this he needs a bath. Can we get him some clean clothes?" asked Alison.
"I'm sure we can find something," said Sam. She reminded Steve of a Private about to go into their first warzone, that look of fear and determination.
"Let's do this," said Alison.
….
A few moments later Steve and Alison came in. Steve had been in here before and Bucky's thoughts ran from joy to rage upon seeing him. Steve...I missed you. Finish the mission. He's not a mission, he's your friend and you almost killed him. He needed Steve to get away from him and he started screaming at him to leave. Steve left the room, but he could still see him. A few moments later Alison and another man came up to him. He had wings before. He tried to shoot me...I kicked him off the helicarrier. Steve and the man were talking when she came into the room.
Alison looked at him and Bucky was conflicted looking at her. He knew she wasn't with Hydra and that she wanted to help him. It didn't stop old thoughts of how other medics had treated him. Held him down, needles, pain in his arm. He knew better than to scream at the medics or handlers or else they would make it hurt more. So he stopped screaming. She put her hand on his chest and he looked up her. Oh god don't be like the others, please don't touch me that way.
" Sergeant Barnes. I'm not going to hurt you. We had to restrain you to remove your arm remember? You also toss and turn a lot and I didn't want you ripping out your I.V. This isn't punishment. It's for your safety," explained Alison calmly. She didn't talk to him the way other handlers or medical staff had talked to him in the past. It was calm but firm. Kind without overkill on the sweetness. It was in her eyes, she really didn't want to hurt him. What others do is out of her control. Steve won't let anyone hurt you. You tried to kill him. She kept looking at him and a frown crossed her face. She bent down and studied his arm.
"I have to put this back in and might hurt for second okay," said Alison. She adjusted the line and retaped it down. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as when other techs had done it. Other techs seemed to mess it up on purpose just to hurt him
"I'm going to talk to Steve and see about getting you cleaned up. Just relax and I'll be back in a minute or two," said Alison. She went out and he saw she was talking to Steve and the man with wings. She and the man with the wings went down the hall and Steve stood outside looking at him confused and sad. She and man with wings came back a minute or two later and talked with Steve. Steve shook her hand and he smiled at her. She looked at him and frowned. Steve followed her into the room and she went over to him.
"I'm going to take your I.V out and we're going to take clean you up ok. You have to promise me though you won't try to run away once I let you out of bed." She took the I.V out carefully and it didn't hurt. Steve stood back and Bucky clenched his fist. Mission...finish the Mission. Not your Mission. Steve is our friend. He's going to help us.
"Do you want any help?" asked Steve.
"Do you think you can get him to the bathroom for me. I can take it from there," said Alison. Maintenance...they repair your arm and shower you before and after missions. She helped him up and Steve stepped forward to help him balance.
"What happened to you?" asked Bucky has his once smaller friend half drug, half carried him out the lab.
"I joined the Army," he joked.
"Bathroom is down the hall," said Steve. They went down the hall and it was different than the Hydra facilities. Normally it was just a room and handler with a hose. This was an actual bathroom with an enclosed glass shower and a tub with a shower attachment.
"I'm thinking tub might be easier on both of us," said Alison.
"Sure you don't need the extra help?" asked Steve. Oh god please no. You are the last person I want to see me naked. Bad enough this stranger is….oh wait don't leave me alone with her. Do you know her?
"I got this. It's not the first time I've given a ninety year old guy a bath,' she teased. "Could you find some clean sheets for the bed? No sense in doing this and then putting him back in a dirty bed."
"Alright. I'll be down the hall if you need anything. Don't give her any trouble. She's here to help you," said Steve sternly leaving the room. She bent down and started filling the tub
"It's not too hot is it?" asked Alison fiddling with the taps. Why does it matter if it's too hot?
"It's okay to talk to me. I'm not gonna hurt you." Oh I've heard that before. She wanted his approval though and he put his hand in the water and was stunned that it was warm and that it was for him.
"I'll take that has a yes. Can you undress or...I'll do it." she said upon seeing him nearly fall over. God he couldn't even undress himself.
"Still a bit light headed and off balance huh? Sit down," he sat down and she took off his shoes and socks. She made a face and threw the socks away. Wasteful, spoke up some voice in his head and she caught his disapproval.
"I won't throw anything else out. I'll see about washing it though." She helped him back up and took off his pants. If she touches me that way, I'll shove her in the tub and hold her down till she stops breathing. She didn't though, she didn't seem interested in that at all. She looked him in the eyes and motioned towards the tub.
"Alright one foot at time. I don't need you slipping and breaking your neck on me," said Alison and she smiled at him. He got in and sighed. London...that was last time you had hot water for anything. She had him cover the metal plate with a hand towel and started washing him.
"I don't want to get it wet just in case." Compared to the handler with the hose this was almost heaven. She started washing his front and stopped. She was studying his left shoulder and she looked sad.
"Does it hurt?" asked Alison and she put her hand over the scars. It wasn't the way others had touched them, prodding and hurting him. They seemed to distress her in a way he didn't understand.
"Not anymore," he said. After a while you don't feel it anymore. A flush crossed her face and she went back to washing him.
"I'm going to wash your hair now. Make sure you don't have any lice?" said Alison and he shrugged. Whatever you want to do. She washed his hair, twice for some reason before she got a towel and helped him out the tub. She wrapped the towel around his waist and had him sit on the edge of the tub. She walked over to the counter and dug around until she found a hair brush.
"Just hold still. This is a real mess and I don't wanna pull your hair," said Alison. She actually took the time to brush his hair. Most handlers didn't even bother with this until it was really bad and they didn't care if they pulled his hair or not. There was a knock on the door and she told them to come in. It was winged man and he thing of clothes.
"Can you take those to be washed?" she asked and the man made a face.
"I promised to not throw anything away. Just toss them in with sheets," she said taking the clean clothes. He picked up the clothes and held them far away from his person before leaving the room.
"He can be such a baby," she muttered. She finished brushing his hair and looked at him. "You need a shave in the worst way Grizzly Adams." She took him over to the counter and had him stand in front of her so she could shave his face. Part of him was tempted to knock her out so he could try to get away. He didn't trust himself to be near any of them. This was a mistake coming in looking for help.
Then again he was missing his left arm, they had taken it and he didn't know where it was or where he was. He had no choice but to stay here. Bucky looked down and noticed the necklace again. I had those once. He reached up and started rubbing the tags. Pull the chain around her neck and choke her...get away, hissed some cold voice in his head. She's been honest, she hasn't hurt us.
"I used to have these," he said. He was stunned when she took off the tags, took her ring off the chain and handed him the tags.
"You wanna hold on to them for a bit while I finish?" she asked. She opened his hand and put the necklace in his hand. He rubbed them, feeling the cold metal in his hand. When I couldn't sleep I would fiddle with them.
"I almost don't recognize you," joked Alison when they had finished. Bucky turned towards the mirror and he almost didn't recognize himself. You almost look like the man from the museum. He was still feeling off balance so she helped him get dressed. She went to take the necklace back and he tightened his hand around them. "Guess I'll let you keep that a little longer."
"I shouldn't be here," he muttered. "I tried to kill them." Run! Dear god get away from me. She looked up at him and he did see a flash of fear in her eyes, but it quickly faded.
"It's going to be okay now. You're safe here," said Alison. Are you safe from me though? "Come on. Let's get you back to bed." She wrapped his arm around her waist and took him back down the hall. Steve was waiting and he gave her look.
"You could have told Friday you were done and I would helped you," said Steve.
"Friday. Oh that thingy Tony was using?" asked Alison. A female voice spoke up from nowhere.
"I am not a thingy. I am a highly specialized computer program…"
"It won't happen again," said Steve shaking his head. Steve helped her get him back in bed and she went about finding another saline bag for him.
"Well you don't look so much like a hobo anymore. We should see about cutting your hair though," said Steve.
It's kind of cute long, thought Alison and quickly shook her head. Unprofessional much. She sat down and started looking for a vein. Upon finding one she stuck him and hooked the bag to a pole.
"Two more should take care of the dehydration. We'll see about a meal later," said Alison patting his arm. Snap her neck, it would be so quick she wouldn't even feel it...Steve how do I fight him again. Shut up...shut up...shut up, thought Bucky
"I'm going to go downstairs and take care of something. Steve is going to stay with you," said Alison getting ready to go. Georgina always left when she was done.
"You stay," said Bucky looking at her. Alison looked at Steve and he nodded. She took a seat near him. Bucky nodded and closed his eyes and felt exhaustion take over. London...there was always hot water in London.
"Sergeant Barnes...I humble request permission to marry your sister when the war is over," said Dugan taking a bite of the cookies Rebecca had sent. They were a little stale, but it was the best part of New Year's Eve so far other than the brandy Stark had got them. There were sitting in the remains of the bar they liked in London eating snickerdoodles and drinking. It had been bombed out while they were away blowing up a Hydra base. Thankfully his death notice hadn't gone out to Becca and his packages were being re-routed from Italy to London. He had just sent her a letter telling her about Steve-aka Captain America and the other Howling Commandos.
"Permission denied," said Bucky and everyone laughed.
"I promise to take really good care of her if she bakes likes this," said Dugan.
"You come near my sister I will burn your hat while it's on your head," said Bucky. Dugan looked wounded.
"You are a mean son of bitch sir," said Dugan. Gabe took a cookie and passed it to Dernier who started talking a mile in minute in French and all Bucky could make out was chocolate and crepe.
"Before the war, Dernier said his wife and little girl would get up on Sunday mornings and make chocolate and berry crepes. He just got a letter from his daughter asking if they could make them again once he got home," explained Gabe. Dernier had lost his wife during a raid on their village while Dernier was at the front. His little girl was living in a orphanage until he came back, she had been spared because she had been in school during the attack.
"He wants your sister's recipe for his little girl," said Gabe.
"I'll let her know," said Bucky. She must have cashed in all her sugar ration coupons for this. He and Steve were going to treat her to a night on the town when they got home. Steak, wine, dancing the whole nine yards. They might actually get Steve to dance this time. Steve sat down and took a cookie out of the tin.
"We're to be ready to go in 72 hours for the next attack," said Steve.
"Good. Assholes blew up my bar and I want payback," said Morita taking another swig of brandy. He was terrible at drinking, but it was worth the show.
"It wasn't your bar," said Falsworth taking a swig of gin he had stashed away.
"I loved it the way Dun-Dun loves Sarge's sister," said Morita gesturing wildly and falling off the broken stool. Everyone nearly fell off theirs from laughing so hard.
"Clearly someone had too much," said Agent Carter coming in and nudging a passed out Morita with her shoe. "Pour a lady a drink please." She pulled up her own less broken stool and sat down.
"Slumming it with the grunts Agent?" asked Falsworth pouring her some gin which she took
"I hate drinking alone or with Stark. It's the holidays so it's just Peggy tonight. Happy New Years chaps," said Peggy downing her gin.
"Happy New Year," they all said as a clock went off for midnight. Steve offered Peggy a cookie and they both turned a slight shade of pink when their hands touched. Bucky finished his brandy and made a mental note to send Becca a letter about Steve's new girlfriend.
Alberto Vargas was a painter of pin up girls that appeared in Esquire magazine during the 40's. American and Allied aircraft nose art was inspired by his work. I could easily see Bucky and Steve losing their minds once they realized who Rebecca agreed to pose for and where it was going. ^-^. If you don't know who Bettie Page *sigh-where have you been?* And please watch Bettie Page Reveals All. It should still be on Netflix Instant Watch and is great documentary about women and sex in the 50's. I think Bucky would have been torn about letting her model that way or hanging out with Bettie Page.
Most nursing programs I looked up required a 3.0 at minimum.