Tony groaned and sat up. His head hurt like a mother and he touched the back of it to see he was bleeding a bit. Everything looked blurry and he blinked several times to clear it up. The med lab was in shambles he couldn't see anything that wasn't broken. Steve was pushing Barnes off him and Alison was on her knees shaking. She dropped the button and coughed up some blood. Oh that's not good, thought Tony. Pulling himself up Tony wobbled over to her. That's gonna smart for a while, thought Tony.
"You alright?" asked Tony and she shook her head no. He could already see the whites of her eyes had gone pink. That is really not good, thought Tony.
"Damn it," muttered Steve and Tony noticed Steve was bleeding from his side and the screwdriver was covered in blood.
"Get him in bed," croaked Alison pushing herself up and coughing. No blood this time which Tony hoped was a good thing. Tony grabbed the passed out man's arms and pulled him over to the bed. Steve pulled himself up and it looked like the wound was already clotting. He picked Barnes up like he was a sack of potatoes and put him in the bed. Tony got the restraints on and sat down.
"Well that was new," said Tony dryly.
"Should I call for medical assistance?" asked Friday. Tony looked over at Steve who didn't seem to notice he had a puncture wound in his side and to Alison whose neck was already started to swell and bruise up. She needed to see a doctor. She would get better care upstate, thought Tony. He should probably see someone himself.
"Do you think you can make it the ninety minutes to the facility there?" asked Tony taking her arm. She seemed to be taking in the lab in state of shock and Tony gave her arm a hard squeeze.
"I know you're a little freaked out right now, but I need you to keep your head here. You need a doctor and I need to know if you're going to be alright until we get there?" asked Tony. Alison nodded and Tony gave her arm another lighter squeeze. "Let's get the Tin Man in the mini jet and we'll all go up there," said Tony.
Steve got Barnes on a gurney and made sure the restraints on that were tight before they left the lab. Tony noticed her breathing sounded labored.
"I think….oxygen," she whispered.
"We should have some oxygen on the jet. Just keep breathing for Wilson," said Tony. They got on the jet. Tony handed Alison a mini oxygen tank and mask and trusted she knew how to operate it. She still seemed to be a bit dazed and he couldn't blame her that much. A serious lack of oxygen would screw anybody up, thought Tony. His head wound was clotted and it was probably best to have Cap in the back with Barnes. Tony also didn't trust Steve in his semi shocked state to fly properly.
"Um. Rogers. How is that wound looking?" asked Tony. Steve seemed to realize than that he was sort of injured. He lifted his shirt up to see a small puncture wound was already clotted and would only need cleaned and a small amount of dressing.
"I'm fine," said Steve. Tony took off and he called Natasha to let her know they were going to need some medical assistance right when they landed. So much for date night and sushi, thought Tony as he got ready to call Pepper.
…
Steve looked over at Bucky who was out cold. The only signs of their fight was a bit of blood that had dried from his lip and a bruise on his face when Steve slammed into the wall. Steve was pretty sure he wasn't going to have any issues with the screwdriver wound. Tony seemed to be okay for the most part at least he appeared to be since he was flying the jet. Alison on the other hand looked like hell. Her eyes were closed and she breathing into an oxygen mask. Her neck was bright shade of red, puffy and it was a little to hard ignore the hand print mark on it. What the hell happened? wondered Steve.
He went to call Natasha to let her know they would back this afternoon and he left Sam a message to head back to headquarters when Steve heard a crash come from the med lab. In the few second it took him to get there he found Tony in a heap on the floor and Bucky trying strangle Alison. He pulled him off her and tried to subdue him when he heard a zap sound and Bucky cried out and fell over.
"Alison can you tell me what happened?" asked Steve. She opened her eyes and there were bloodshot. If you had been a few seconds slower, thought Steve and he mentally shook the thought away. She pulled the oxygen mask away and swallowed a few times before speaking. Her voice sounded rough and it looked like it hurt her to speak.
"I don't know. He was fine when we started and then...I forgot to put his leg restraints back on. Stupid," muttered Alison. They had been leaving his restraints off during the day. They also didn't want him strapped down while they were gone if he needed to use the restroom and he seemed to be having a really good day so Steve really couldn't blame her for not having the restraints on. Bucky groaned and Steve noticed Alison's face paled looking at him. He stayed out though.
"You still have your slippers Dorothy?" asked Tony. Alison shook her head no and Steve was confused.
"What?" asked Steve and Tony explained about the built in fail safe in Bucky's arm. That had been the zap Steve heard and what had taken Bucky out. Steve was torn, he didn't like the idea of Bucky having something like that in him. It seemed a little too close to something Hydra might have tried in the past. On the other hand if Bucky had knocked him out he would have tried to finish her off and she was no match for him.
"I'm sorry," she muttered and Steve was taken aback. She was actually upset that she used it.
"I'm not upset with you...it's everything else. You might have saved us back there," said Steve.
"It just happened so fast," said Alison her voice still hoarse.
"No more talking," said Steve. The swelling was bothering him and he had a feeling she was still not thinking clearly or else she was would have gotten some ice for that swelling. He got up and pulled out a cold wrap and handed it to her.
"This might help a little," said Steve. She wrapped it around her neck and shivered for a second. Steve went back to his seat and looked at Bucky who now looked harmless and then to Alison who had met the Winter Soldier and was lucky to come out alive. Few can say that, thought Steve.
…
How could you be so unbelievable stupid? thought Alison. She shivered but kept the cold wrap on her neck. She was trying to remember how you treated strangulation and all that kept coming to her mind was how stupid she had been. He should have been restrained and I should have seen he was starting to zone out. He's never been that violent though and just because he was having a good day you should have seen it coming or at least been ready for it. Alison's mind drifted back to a nurse she worked with a few years ago by the name of Mimi Loi. Mimi had been working as an ER nurse for over thirty years. She was always someone you wanted to be on call with because she knew how to handle everything.
They had a bad stretch one day that had everyone going over twenty hours when their ER had been slammed with overflow patients from Harlem after the Hulk and whatever the hell that gray thing had been tore up seven city blocks. Alison had been on call for at least sixteen of it before Mimi had sent her home when she caught her dozing leaning against a vending machine.
Mimi was about to end her last hour when a guy who was higher than a kite came into the ER. Tired and stressed beyond reason Mimi tried to send him off instead of the normal humoring they did with pill chasers. The man got louder, the ER grew tense and Mimi raised her voice telling him to leave. That was when he pulled a box cutter out and jumped the counter. Mimi hit the panic button and through sheer dumb luck one of the guards was just coming on took him out before he could cut Mimi. Mimi hadn't gotten in trouble and shatterproof glass became a new feature at the front desk. Mimi though was mad at herself. She told Alison that she should have seen he was not right in the head and humored him along until she could get him out. I was just so tired Ally and we didn't have time to deal with him when we had real patients needing real help. He could have hurt someone because I was in bad mood and tired.
Alison hadn't been tired or in a bad mood. She had just been plain stupid. I'm not staying objective enough, thought Alison. She had been distracted a bit thinking about her grandfather and how quick his mind was going. When is he going to start asking about dad? She had also been thinking about the turnaround James had shown towards her. She had accepted the fact that he might not ever like her as the friend she had been advised to be, but maybe she could help him as a medical professional she was supposed to be. She hadn't expected how he had been last night. He had been nice to her. Had even seemed a bit concerned about why she had nightmares. I think he even tried to flirt a little with that comment about me being too cute for Steve, thought Alison.
She had been far too hopeful that he was going to come around and maybe let her help him instead of how they had be doing things which was very one sided. She swallowed a lump in her throat and the pain made her shudder a little.
She hadn't wanted to use that button on him, but in that moment when he had her pinned she didn't see anything in his eyes. She had handled violent patients before and they always had the same crazy and rage driven look in their eyes. He had looked right through her and he wouldn't have thought twice about killing her and then moving on to either Tony or Steve. She had underestimated her patient like it was her first day of nursing school. I'm not objective because I'm relating too much on a personal level with him, thought Alison. She knew how it felt, well she knew at least a little bit about how James felt. He had been cheated out of the life he wanted and now he had to go on trying to figure out what to do and where to go. He was supposed to die and he probably wanted to die. I know that too well.
Alison opened the car door and pulled out her crutches. Renee got out of the driver's side and stood next to her.
"He's a couple rows to the right of the us. I think it's the sixth row, fifth grave," said Renee. Alison nodded and started her way over. Renee had offered to bring the wheelchair, but she needed to be on her feet. The cast would be off by next week and she would just need to get used to walking normally again. She walked to Matt's grave and Renee carried the flowers. Alison found it and had to remember to breath. Matthew Wilson Quilin-Born April 15th 1986 Died May 4th 2012. There was a small etching of a violin on the tombstone which made her smile.
"He would like that," said Alison pointing at the etching.
"It was beautiful service. God the place was standing room only. They did bury him with his violin.," said Renee.
"I hope you guys remember to bury me with my drum sticks," said Alison and Renee grinned a little
"No, we're gonna Viking your funeral. You and your drums on float on the Hudson and we'll set in it on fire. It might be the cleanest thing in the river." Renee sat the flowers down and put an arm around her friend.
"They said they would meet us here," said Alison twisting her ring.
"We're a few minutes early," said Renee. Alison felt so tired all of sudden and just want to crawl back to bed when a car door slammed. Alison looked and there were Matt's parents-Nick and Susan and his younger sister Rachel. They looked so broken she wanted to cry. Nick came forward first and hugged her carefully.
"It's good to see you awake sweetheart," said Nick. Rachel came up next and hugged her. God she was only seventeen and she looked so old.
"Hi honey," said Alison and she went to hug Susan and the woman stepped away. Alison felt her heart break. She liked Susan and Susan had always been polite to her. They were just different people and would never have that super close bond. Right now though Susan wouldn't even look her in the eye, she just stared at her son's grave.
"Is it hard to manage the crutches and arm cast all at the same time?" asked Rachel.
"It's a work out, but the leg cast should come off this week and I'll start therapy than. I won't be running any 10K's for awhile, but I'll manage. The arm is taking a bit longer," admitted Alison.
"We would have come to see you sooner…." Nick trailed off and Alison hugged him. They had to deal with burying Matt and they handed canceling most of the wedding stuff while her grandfather stayed with her. Renee, Sophia and Sarah had handled moving the apartment to the storage locker. She on the other hand was learning to be left handed and how to walk up six flights of stairs without wanting to cry from the pain.
"Well we did see you when they let us know where you were, but you were…" started Rachel.
"Either in surgery or in a coma," said Alison trying to joke and Rachel smiled weakly.
"I think it might have been the coma when we came," said Rachel. It got so quiet Alison could hear cars on the road when Susan spoke up.
"They said you weren't wearing your seat belt." Alison nodded. "Why didn't you have your seat belt on?"
"It's still a blur...but I think we saw the cars in front of us blow up and I wanted to get out see if anything could be done...stupid," admitted Alison and Susan just walked away.
"Susan!" called Nick and he shook his head. "I'm sorry Ally...she's just. She hasn't been taking this well...she's not mad at you...she just."
"She wants Matt. I understand that a hundred percent," said Alison and she went to take her ring off and give to Nick. It was after all Matt's grandmother's ring. She wasn't going to be in their family and they should have it back.
"No. You keep that," said Nick and Alison shook her head. "It belongs in the family and even if the wedding didn't happen. You are family." Alison couldn't help it and she started to cry. Nick hugged her and kissed her on the forehead.
"Don't be a stranger, but give Susan some time ok," said Nick and Alison nodded unable to find words. He went off after his wife and Rachel shook her head.
"I love you," said Rachel and she gave Alison a hug and wiped her own tears away before going off after her parents.
"God how did Matt come from that high strung troll?" asked Renee.
"Renee she lost her son. Give her a break," said Alison.
"You weren't awake but she was on a tear at the hospital. She had the balls to ask Robert why you weren't driving in your car since your car was newer? Like that would have made a difference," said Renee.
"The brakes were acting odd. I wanted them checked out before we went to Niagara that's why we had Matt's car. I hated driving it since it was so big," said Alison and Renee looked at her.
"This is in no way, shape or form your fault. There was an alien invasion and you guys could have been driving a tank and still would have gotten blown up. You are so damn lucky Ally," said Renee. Alison didn't feel lucky and they headed back to the car. "Do you wanna stop for lunch?"
"No Gramps is gonna be home and I'm sure he'll make me a sandwich," said Alison. Renee patted her arm and they drove back to Brooklyn. She helped Alison up the six stories and Robert let them in. Renee left and Alison sat on the sofa and propped her right leg up.
"How it go?" asked Robert.
"I'm pretty sure Susan is never gonna speak to me again," said Alison. Robert sat down with her and held her hand.
"You know I loved Matty, but his mother is a bit of a pill. She just needs time," said Robert. "You hungry. I was gonna make some grilled cheese."
"Renee and I went to lunch already, but thanks," said Alison. He patted her hand and went to the kitchen. Later on that night, Alison waited until Robert was asleep and went into the bathroom and turned on the sink. Her pain meds made her sick to stomach and she tried to avoid eating when she could, however he had insisted she have dinner with him. She made herself eat and felt sick instantly. She bent over the sink, made herself throw up and felt better seconds later. Some voice in the back of her mind told her she needed to stop doing this to herself, but she was so tired of feeling awful all the time and this was the one of the few things that she was in control of. She couldn't leave the apartment on her own, she couldn't go back to school this fall and she couldn't sleep at night. More and more of the crash and that day started coming back to her. They had been running late and stuck in traffic. She closed her eyes and could see it so clearly. She could hear it, smell it, feel the pavement under her. She could hear Matt screaming before she was tossed out of the car. She started crying, it was just one more thing she had lost control of. Her own future. She wasn't lucky and wished she hadn't woke up. It would have easier if she had died that day.
"Alison," said Steve snapping her back to now. "We're here." She got up and followed Tony and Steve off the jet. Steve was wheeling Bucky's gurney and Tony lagged behind Steve. There was a beautiful red headed woman waiting for them along with a tall sandy haired man and a small Asian woman. The redhead was studying her and she offered a hand to Alison
"I'm Natasha. You must be Sam's friend Alison." Alison nodded and Natasha looked over at Steve.
"Do you want any help him?" she asked and Steve nodded. Natasha took the end the gurney and started wheeling it
"I'm fine," said Tony rubbing his head. The Asian woman sighed and went over to Tony.
"Right this way Mr. Stark," she said taking him inside. The tall man looked at Alison frowning.
"I'm David. Come on let's see if we can fix that."
…
Bucky could close his eyes, but he could still hear Georgina and she was crying from what Karpov was doing to her. He was covered in blood and god knows what else and there seemed to be no end in sight for either one of them.
Bucky woke up and was strapped to the bed alone in a different room from the one he had been in. How did I get here? Steve came in with a small man in a white coat and table full of tools. The man stopped short when he saw him.
"I thought he was out," whispered the man to Steve and Steve rubbed his forehead.
"He's restrained now and I'll be here with you the whole time," said Steve. The man gave Steve a look, but said nothing. Bucky could tell though he didn't want to be in the room with him. He sat down and started working on his left arm. It wasn't on tight enough and he didn't have all function in yet.
"Where am I?" asked Bucky looking at Steve.
"This is Avenger Headquarters. This is just a temporary room for you," said Steve. The man was quick and Bucky moved the fingers on his left hand and the man eyed him nervously.
"You can go now," said Steve. The man quickly got up and almost ran from the room.
"What's his deal?" asked Bucky and Steve just looked at him.
"What's the last thing you remember?" asked Steve. His tone, low and worried is what gave Bucky a hint that something was amiss. Why didn't he finish my arm? Tony. He wanted a drink.
"Alison told Tony he could have rubbing alcohol as a drink," said Bucky. She was holding his hand. It wasn't like the others. It was small. Had a few callouses, but it was gentle.
"Do you remember anything after that?" asked Steve his tone getting more worried and it was starting to set him on edge. Why was he restrained? He hadn't been restrained when Tony and Alison had been with him. Why didn't Tony finish the arm? Where is Alison?
"What happened?" asked Bucky and Steve suddenly looked very tired too him.
"Everyone is going to be okay and that's the important thing," said Steve and Bucky felt a chill go through his spine.
"What happened?" asked Bucky feeling his temper rise. Tell me the truth Steve.
"It wasn't your fault," said Steve and Bucky snapped.
"What the hell did I do?" demanded Bucky.
"You attacked Tony and Alison. We got into a fight before you were tasered," said Steve sounding ashamed and everything came back to Bucky in a flash. He shoved the man across the room. Just another tech meant to maintain him. The woman looked panicked and she had his hand in hers. She went to push a button when he lunged at her and had her pinned. His right hand tightening around the soft flesh of her neck. He liked the fear in her eyes. The power he had over her in that moment. Then something was pulling him away. The mission. His failure. He wouldn't fail this time.
Bucky felt sick to his stomach. He closed his eyes and wished Steve would leave. I wanted you dead. I wanted you all dead. I would have done it too.
"It was my fault," whispered Bucky and Steve started to say something when Bucky looked at him. "Stop acting like I haven't done anything wrong. I've killed people. I've tried to kill you and I tried to kill two people who were only trying to help me." You killed her too. They made you kill her.
When it was all done she was barely alive on the floor next to him. Georgina was curled up and Karpov pulled him off the floor and handed him a gun.
"Kill her...kill her and I'll leave you alone for a bit," he said. Bucky took the gun with a shaking hand and was about to use it on Karpov when he pulled his own gun. "This is all very tiresome. Shoot the girl or I shoot you and then her. You'll live of course, but she'll still be dead. You owe her a good death after all." Bucky started crying from the pain, shame and humiliation this man had just forced on him and on her. Yes he owed Georgina. This was his fault. He went over to Georgina and touched her hair.
"It's alright...shush," said Bucky.
"Я хочу домой," she whispered and Bucky didn't understand her. He cocked the gun and steadied his hand. He did promise to get her out and this was the only way out.
"I'm sorry," she whispered and he pulled the trigger. They left him with her body. He held her until they came for him and it was back to the chair. He had no name. He didn't want to be James Barnes anymore.
She wanted to go home, he understood now what she had been saying. That was all either one of them wanted was to go home. He was home now and he wanted to run from it. I shouldn't have come home. I should have just let myself die and it would be easier on everyone. He pulled on his restraints and they wouldn't budge.
"You're going to hurt yourself," said Steve and Bucky glared at him.
"Why didn't you kill me?" asked Bucky and Steve closed his eyes and looked like he was going to cry.
"You know why. Till the end of the line," said Steve. Damn you and damn her for trying. I need to get them away from me.
"I wanted her dead. Alison," said Bucky. " I've thought about it so many times and she would never see it coming. I wanted to kill her and you. If either one of you has any sense you would stay away from me or put a bullet in me. I'm not who you think I am. I'll…" Steve left the room and Bucky could see he had finally driven him to near tears. At least one them has sense. Please god let her have the sense to run away from me.
…
Steve quickly wiped his eyes the second he got out of the room. It was the tone Bucky use that had driven him out. How unbelievably cold and precise he sounded when talking about how he wanted them dead. Is any part of you in there anymore? wondered Steve. He just needed out of that room before his friend saw him lose it. He was tempted to go back in there and beg whatever was on that bed to be his friend again. He knew that Bucky might not ever come back all the way, but whoever that was in that room was something he didn't even know how to cope with at this moment. She would never see it coming. He would have killed her and who knows if he would ever feel anything about it? Natasha came up to him and put a hand on his arm.
"He's not himself right now," said Natasha she had been watching on a monitor in the other room.
"I know," said Steve trying to not sound defeated.
"Cho says Tony is going to be fine. Just a few stitches. Dugan is still treating Alison, but it doesn't look like he damaged anything permanently. She's going to be sore for a few days and have some nasty bruising. They're both going to be okay," said Natasha. Steve slumped to floor. Only a few hours ago Bucky had seemed a little like himself and now the Winter Solider was there in the body of his best friend.
"I can't let her near him anymore," said Steve and Natasha looked at him.
"She might be tougher than she looks," said Natasha giving him a small smile and Steve didn't return it.
"I can't let her near him and feel alright about it. She really wouldn't see it coming if he wanted to hurt again and the next time she might not get to her taser button or have someone who could help her. I know she tried and for a second I really thought it would work. She's not safe with him and I can't ask her to go back and be in a room with someone who wants her dead and can make it happen in under a minute it he really wanted too," said Steve getting up and heading down to the med center. Natasha sighed and followed him. It took a Russian to know a Russian (somewhat Russian) and right now Barnes was playing Steve like a fiddle. He wanted them both gone because being with them meant facing what he had done over the last seventy years and she could only imagine how red his ledger was.
…
She hated neck braces, but she knew it was for her own good though. David Dugan, the grandson of Dum-dum Dugan put it on her and gave her a small smile.
"So welcome to the team," he said and she had to force herself to not laugh at how insane the whole situation was right now. She had almost been killed and now she was meeting her soon to be new co workers in the worst possible way.
"Cho is in charge of all the doctors on staff and I handle all the nurses and techs. So I'm just one of your many new bosses," said Dugan sitting down. Alison picked up the notepad and pen he had given her. She was under a no talking rule for at least the next eight hours. Her vocal cords and windpipe were bruised, but luckily her spinal cord had made it out alright. All he needed to do was add a bit more pressure and...stop it, thought Alison.
"So this is not how I wanted to meet everyone," she wrote and held up the notepad.
"Ah this isn't so bad. I got recruited after spending six months in Africa and I just got out of an Ebola quarantine. Not how I imagined meeting an American legend," said David and Alison grinned a little.
"Must have been super weird considering your family history," wrote Alison. David shrugged.
"It was always a bit weird to know your family member is going to be on your history exam. I could never fail that subject. So what was it like finding out your childhood bestie turned into a superhero?"
"Well he wasn't voted 'Most likely to be a superhero' during high school. He was a bit of a Cap dork growing up. Still it does sound a bit stupid to call him Falcon out loud sometimes," wrote Alison and David laughed.
"Oh you must have stories and we can't wait to hear them," said David and Alison looked at her blankets. "You are still coming on right?" asked David.
"Not sure. I was rather stupid with my only patient," wrote Alison.
"We all screw up sometimes. See this," David rolled his sleeve up and there was a scar from his elbow to his wrist. "I went in to help with a biopsy and even though the chart read the patient was showing signs of paranoia I didn't make sure he was restrained and I pulled out a needle right in front of him. He got the scalpel and I ended up with about sixty eight stitches. The doctor got stabbed in the side and it missed her liver by about three inches. I was stupid and I knew more than that little girl just out of med school and I didn't speak up. We all have really stupid moments with patients," said David. There was a knock and there stood Steve looking downcast.
"Just think it over alright," said David getting up and leaving the room. Steve came in and sat down.
"Hey," wrote Alison and Steve frowned. "It's just for the next eight hours," she wrote.
"Still," said Steve and he seemed very uncomfortable.
"How is he?" asked Alison holding up her notebook.
"He's awake. He didn't remember at first what happened at first. He's just really hostile right now," said Steve. Alison nodded and wrote for a few minutes.
"I'm really not sure where we go from here. This is sort of a major setback. Not liking me is one thing and I had accepted that. However this goes beyond not liking me. I'm no good to him if I'm just going to make him angry all the time and trigger violent outbursts. I should have admitted it sooner. There's nothing wrong with being angry. He has every right to be angry. But in order for us to work together he has to be open to it at least a little bit. I'm also really not objective when it comes to him and I'm really sorry about that. I haven't been honest about somethings. It's a very long story. Let's just say I know what it's like to wake up in the wrong life the way he has been since 1945," wrote Alison.
"Truth is a matter of circumstance. It's not all things to all people all the time," said Steve recalling something Natasha had said when they had been on the run from SHIELD. She would tell the truth when she felt it was right. She wasn't withholding it because she didn't trust him, she was withholding because she wanted him to have a good opinion of her. Like Banner scared of what people really think of him or Tony trying to save us all. Alison went back to her notebook.
"It might be best if we took a much longer break. He does need a lot of help and I'm not sure if I'm the right fit for him right now. I'm really sorry," she wrote.
"Don't be sorry. I was about to come in here and ask you to step aside. I can't in good faith ask you to treat him anymore. He's beyond angry about what happened to him. He even scares me a little," admitted Steve. Alison could tell it hurt him on some level to admit he was scared of his best friend. It would be like me being scared of Sam.
"I would like it if you stayed on though. You aren't a bad nurse and we could use more people on the medical staff. You did quit your other job after all," said Steve.
"I do miss hanging out with Sam," she wrote. "I would like to stay on in some form. It's a little overwhelming being here, but it feels like the right place for now," she wrote. Steve went to say something when Natasha knocked on the door.
"Sam is back. You wanna sit him down or should I do it?" asked Natasha. Steve stood up.
"I'll tell him," said Steve. He left the room and Natasha leaned against the doorframe studying her like she was cat playing with her food.
"What?" asked Alison holding up her notebook.
"He's playing you both. You and Rogers are too nice for your own good. He needs someone who can take it and maybe give it back a little. Think it over," said Natasha and she left the room. Alison looked down at the blanket and twisted her engagement ring. A few moments later Sam came in and she couldn't remember him ever looking that upset.
"I can't leave you alone for five minutes," said Sam. He came over to the bed and hugged her so tightly she thought a rib would break.
…
Someone came in with a tray of food and Bucky could tell they were trying to stay calm. The man sat it on a table next to him and he noticed he had been given paper utensils. He pushed the tray in front of Bucky and adjusted the bed so he could sit up. He undid his right arm and stepped back quickly. He almost ran out the room and Bucky picked up the paper spoon and frowned. What did you expect you tried to kill three people a few hours ago? It was some sort of soup, a sandwich and mix of fruit and veggies. He took bit of the sandwich and found it was dry. He pushed it to the side and looked at the soup, took a bite and found he wanted salt and pepper for it. Alison would have asked you what you wanted. You tried to kill her. I doubt she'll ever ask your opinion about anything again.
Bucky jabbed at his soup with the spoon and felt something getting tight in his chest. She had started to grow on him and he really had wanted to try getting along with her. You tried to kill her and if she has any sort of sense she won't come back. I don't want her to have sense. I...what the fuck do I want? You proud of yourself? She saved your life and you almost killed her. Is she really ok? Steve could have lied to spare us...because of some misguided sense of loyalty. She could really be dead and no one is telling me? Because I don't have enough blood on my hands.
He threw his tray off the table and wished he had something else to throw. The door opened again and there stood a red headed woman. She came into the room and frowned at the mess.
"Someone has to clean that up now. That was really rude," she said and she sat down next to him and he glared at her.
"Get out," said Bucky and the woman settled into the chair.
"You haven't even been here a full six hours and you are already causing a scene. The medical staff is terrified of you. They told Steve they won't come near you without an armed escort a few feet away. Apparently choking your last caretaker is making them have second thoughts. She seemed really nice. I'm a little jealous. My transition team didn't seem to care the way Steve and...whatever her name is," she said.
"Alison," said Bucky without thinking and the woman remained expressionless.
"Do you remember me?" she asked. Bucky looked at her and thought.
"You shot me," he said recalling the glass fracturing in his goggles.
"You shot me first. Odessa," she said and he closed his eyes. It was cold out and he could hear the handle muttering about how the transport was late. It was only a few minutes behind. He spotted the car even though it's lights were off and it was black. The car was armored and he aimed for the tires. Two quick shots took out all four wheels and the car lost control and went over a cliff. The handler was pleased, but he wanted to make sure. He went down and when he got there she was pulling the Mission up. A look of surprise and rage filled her face. She tried covering the man with her body. He only needed to kill the man. No sense in taking her out. Plus she might learn something from this. He aimed carefully and he took the man out by shooting through her. She bit back a groan of pain and the rage grew on her face. He said nothing and left her there to live or die on her own.
"I'm Natasha by the way and you shot me again in D.C. It was bad enough you ruined bikinis for me, you also ruined strapless dresses too," she said when she noticed he was coming back to himself.
"You tried to choke me. Messed up my arm," said Bucky looking at the blankets.
"And what did Steve and Alison do to you?" asked Natasha and he felt that tightness in his chest again wished she would go away.
"Just leave me alone," said Bucky.
"Now why would I want to do that?" asked Natasha. He went to lunge at her and found he was strapped to the bed still.
"They do care about you. They don't care how red your ledger is or how much you hurt them. She's stepping aside to let someone else take care you. Not because of what you did to her, but because she and Steve agreed it was the best thing for you," said Natasha and he didn't know how much more he stand her being here. She stood up and looked at him.
"You have to face what you were sooner or later. You're going to want someone on your side when you do face it," said Natasha. She got up and left the room. Bucky just looked the wall. Someone on his side. I don't deserve to have anyone on my side. She had taken his hand and for once he hadn't been scared. He knew she wouldn't hurt him. She knew what it was like to have the nightmares. Nightmares that pulled you out of sleep and wishing you didn't have to go back to sleep. Steve cared too. Steve had been ready to face his own death than to raise a hand to defend himself. Till the end of the line. Where did the line end? How much hurt could he force on two people before they ended it. Who decided when the line ended?
…
Sam got her some water and long straw so she could drink it. Alison wrote 'thank you' on her notepad and he sighed.
"I don't know who is going to kill me first-my aunt or Renee. You missed the sound ass chewing I got when I told them you were going to be joining the team," said Sam.
"I'm the dumbass who underestimated her patient. They mean well and they just worry a lot about you. It's a little hard to wrap your head around some days that you might be defending the world from aliens. Robots. Alien Robots?" she wrote and he gave her a small smile.
"Well so far there haven't been any more aliens and I haven't heard of alien robots yet," said Sam. He took her hand and squeezed it. "Are you really okay?"
"I'm a little mad at myself for being so stupid. I'm a lot more mad at myself for not realizing how non objective I am in this," wrote Alison.
"Maybe he needed someone who wasn't objective. You're a good nurse Ally and he needed that. I don't know maybe I wasn't objective in dragging you into this. I just really missed us. I know things got really crappy between us and we didn't talk about a lot of stuff," said Sam and Alison started writing quickly.
"I knew you weren't happy during your last tour and I didn't ask why. I was sort of not all there. I was just so mad about everything and I didn't know how to deal with it. I just…" she sat the notebook aside and took a deep breath.
"I had everything planned and it was gone in a nano second. I," Sam cut her off.
"No talking. You are going to hurt yourself," said Sam. Alison went back to her notebook.
"I was just so mad and I just felt so lost and I didn't know what I was supposed to do next. I spent over ten years of my life with Matt and suddenly I had to figure out how to be without the person I wanted to have kids with and grow old with and it just really, really, really freaking sucked," she wrote and underlined the word sucked three times.
"I wanted to tell you, but when we did talk I could tell you were still trying to get over what happened. You don't expect to go fight a war only have it end up on your doorstep. I joined up to keep people like you and Matt safe. I was mad Ally and then I lost my wingman…" Alison looked puzzled at the term. "Not like a guy who helped me pick up chicks. Well sometimes he would when we were Stateside," said Sam trying to break up how tense he felt. He had been holding this back from her and the rest of his family for sometime now.
"His name was Riley. I wrote about him once or twice I think," said Sam and Alison nodded a bit. " We had been picked to test the Falcon tech together and we just clicked right away. We started doing all our missions together and one night we were sent out to do a standard PJ opt when an RPG took him down and I was just there to watch him. I was right there and I couldn't do anything. I wasn't here when people needed me and I couldn't do anything for the people there. I just didn't know where I was suppose to go. When I heard about the DC post I jumped at it and a chance to get out. I wasn't ready to come here and face everything yet. I think I was there about four weeks when you...you know," said Sam.
"Ended up at Camp Happy?" wrote Alison and Sam gave her a look that was trying to not be amused.
"I think being there did warp your already dark sense of humor beyond reason," said Sam.
"Well one lady I was with called it her long overdue spa weekend. She had been in for about five months when I showed up. I'm really sorry about your friend," she underlined the word sorry and took his hand.
"I guess we both got really good at keeping stuff from each other huh," said Sam.
"At the very worst moment in time. I really missed you and when I heard you we coming back, but not to New York I took it sort of personally. Everyone else was already super weird around me and everything just got bigger and bigger in my head and nothing I did seemed to make anything better. It was really stupid and I'm really sorry," wrote Alison and Sam hugged her.
"I know," said Sam. She hugged him back and both of them felt a very large weight lift off their chest.
"So we're you really the only person not trying to kill Captain America a few years ago?" wrote Alison and she added a little smiley face with some question marks around it. He started laughing and filled her in on the whole story. They talked a little bit more-he had a lead on his Ant-man, but he was sure that he was really one there side. It was a few hours before Sam finally admitted he was tired.
"Get some sleep. We'll go back into the city for a few days before you get settled in here for good. Night Ally-Cat," said Sam.
"Night Sammy," she whispered. He left the room and she found she couldn't sleep. She wouldn't be treating James, but it didn't mean she couldn't try to help him. She found some clean pages and started writing.
…
No one came until the next morning to see him. It was a team of two. One person cleaned up the dried soup and food from yesterday and the other one sat his food off to the side while they took his vitals.
"I need to use the bathroom," said Bucky and both techs looked nervous.
"Umm. Well," stammered one of the techs
"We'll get someone," said the second tech. They both left the room and Bucky sighed internally. So this is going to be my life. People nearly pissing their pants just by being in the room with me despite the fact I'm tied to bed. He looked over and saw the tray had scrambled eggs and they were getting cold. Alison and Steve didn't flinch. Probably too stupid to flinch. They cared about me though. How long has it been since someone really cared about me as a person and not as a weapon?
Natasha came back in and flipped the switch that took his resistants off. She held up a white clicker of some sort.
"Tony made me one before he left last night. It was what saved Alison from you yesterday. You try anything funny and I hit this little button and you get a shock through the arm that knocks you out. Understand?" asked Natasha.
"Yeah," said Bucky. At least she wasn't freaking out the other people had so far. She took him to a bathroom area and waited outside. She marched him back to his room when he was finished and threw all the restraints back on save for his right arm. She wheeled the table over and sat a tightly folded thing of pages on his tray. He looked at the folded paper confused and she shrugged.
"Someone wanted to say goodbye, but it wasn't in her best interests to see you face to face. She's handed you off to another doctor who advised her against it. I have to applaud you for playing people so well. They actually think they're helping you," Natasha left and Bucky took a bite of his stone cold eggs and found they had no flavor. Would it kill them to use a little salt and pepper? She gave me to another doctor because she wanted to help me. I nearly killed her and she still wants to help me. He pushed the tray away and picked up the folded papers in front of him. Her loopy handwriting filled the page and he started reading.
James,
I'm really not sure where to start so just start by saying that I'm not leaving you as a punishment. It wasn't your fault. What happened was an accident and I'm sorry for not seeing you weren't well and trying to help you through it. I'm not sure I'm the best person to help you through this time. In order to help you I have to be objective and truth be told I haven't been the most objective person with you. Once again not your fault. It's mine. I sort of understand a little too well what it's like to be cheated out of a life. To have to live in world that you never could have imagined. To try to move on when it seems almost impossible.
A few years ago I was engaged and would have been married almost three years this week. I'm not sure how much you were made aware of current events, but New York was attacked by aliens. Like the out the of sky-outer space variety. It still sounds crazy even as I write it. My fiancee and I were on our way to meet some friends when the attack happened. The only reason I'm still here is because I started to get out of the car. He didn't make it. I barely made it out alive and nothing seemed right after.
I was so mad about everything and I didn't know how to deal with being that angry. It wasn't fair. I had my entire life planned out and it was gone in a second and I didn't know why I was still here. My whole life started to crumble and it got to the point where I didn't wanna be here anymore.
I had every intention of ending everything. After years of being around hospital drugs I knew which ones would end things quickly and I had access to them. I had a bottle in my pocket and was ready to head home when one of the doctors on staff cornered me. Was willing to let me steal if we came to a certain 'arrangement'. He tried to touch me and I hit him in the face. I nearly broke his nose. Needless to say the higher ups were called in, they found the bottle he knew I had and one thing spiraled out to another and I got sent to mental hospital for treatment. I was there until ten months ago trying to get myself back in some sort of working order
I know you went through a lot more than what I went through and what I went through might seem petty and small in comparison, but it was the lowest point in my life. I didn't see a way out or a reason to go on. It wasn't easy and at times I wished I had been smarter about ending things, but eventually I found a reason to keep going. I know someday you'll find your reason to keep going.
Don't let them win anymore. I know you're angry and you might be that way for a very long time. Just don't let it be the only thing you feel ever again. They tried to take your life and you've fought back. You are much stronger person than you think you are. You have a second chance. Don't let them have that too. I don't know when, but someday things won't look so dark. I want you to keep the dog tags. Something to remind you that you shouldn't give up no matter how bad it looks.
Good luck
Alison
The tightness in his chest was almost too much to take. She was sorry. He hurt her and she was apologizing to him. She wasn't blaming him and wanted the best for him. Georgiana was sorry too. I hurt her and she was sorry. Alison made me remember because she cared the way Georgina did, she didn't want me to die or get hurt. They said they were sorry...they said they were sorry to the monster who hurt them.
He rubbed the tags with his right hand. She was letting him keep them. Don't give up no matter how bad it looks. He wanted to give up right now. He was terrible person and he had hurt so many people .I didn't want to hurt them and even though I hurt her she still wants me to be okay. The tears finally broke through. He was sorry for what he had done and now with her leaving he wouldn't get to apologize. He might not ever see her again and she understood him better than he thought. If I could just see her one more time. I just wanna say I'm sorry.
"Bucky?" asked a voice. He looked up and saw Steve standing there. At least I can apologize to one person.
"I'm sorry...I didn't mean too…"
"I know," said Steve coming into the room and sitting in the chair next to him. Bucky fiddled with the tags and Steve took the folded up papers."Can I read this?" Bucky nodded and Steve read the letter and when he finished he sat it down.
"She's right you know. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can fight this and you can win," said Steve.
"I don't want a new doctor. I want her," said Bucky. He wanted the endless chatter. The way she looked at him with all the patience in world no matter what. He wanted someone who could understand even a little of what he felt. I didn't get the life I wanted either and I'm not sure I should have this one.
"We can ask her to treat you again, but she might not say yes. She stepped aside because she wanted the best for you," said Steve.
"I don't want the best. I want her," said Bucky firmly.
"I'll call her tomorrow. She went back to New York with Sam for a few days to recover and to pack. She's going to be here as a nurse for everybody. Even if she doesn't agree to take you back on, you'll see her again," said Steve. Steve patted his friend's arm and Bucky shook his head.
"Can I also get a hot breakfast? These eggs suck," said Bucky poking the lump with the paper fork. Steve couldn't help it and he started to laugh and Bucky gave an uneasy smile. He wasn't sure if he deserved people on his side, but he needed them. Till the end of line.
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