Notes-In Winter Solider they said Steve caught Zola in 1945, but Bucky 'died' on that mission and his death was listed as 1944. It seemed only a few days passed between getting Zola and the final raid on the Red Skull which mean Steve 'died' in 1944 also-Maybe I'm just a super dork who has far too much time to ponder this.
"You're really good." Alison looked up and a boy with close cut black hair, brown eyes and carrying a violin case was at the edge of the stage and she had no idea how long he had been there.
"Thanks," she said wiping the sweat off her palms. She didn't need him to tell her she was good. She knew it and had the solo to prove it. Mr. Grant told her she was going to be solo drummer on Caravan for the Fall Concert. The impossible drum solo, nine minutes straight and performed by Buddy Rich-The drum god.
"You're the new kid. Matt right?" asked Alison. Mr. Grant had introduced him at the beginning of class today.
"Yep senior year and a new kid to boot," said Matt pulling himself on the stage.
"I've seen you before somewhere," said Alison. "Weren't you at the Youth Summer Rock?"
"Yeah." he looked really sheepish and Alison remembered him.
"I felt so bad for The Who watching the rest of your band play. Seriously your viola work on Baba O'Riley was their only saving grace," said Alison grinning.
"Yeah. Our drummer and bass player got into a fight that morning and it just ruined everything," said Matt sitting on the stage.
"Well your drummer sucks. He almost ruined how awesome you were," said Alison. He shrugged and Alison had a feeling it was like her, he knew he was good and didn't need her to tell him.
"Well I saw your band do Call Me and wow it made up for how horrible we were," said Matt. "I wanted to talk you after the show, but I was too mortified." Alison felt herself turn a bit pink and she didn't know why.
"Do you want to do something sometime? We have band practice on Wednesday and I've always wanted to do Devil goes down to Georgia," said Alison.
"You want to do something now? I would like to do The Who justice," said Matt.
"Can you keep up with a real drummer?" teased Alison. Matt pulled out his violin and tuned up. She started near the end of Baba O'Riley so he could join in quickly. It was like being hit by lighting. She had played in bands before, but this was something different and she couldn't put her finger on it. Years later he would tell her that's when he fell in love with her. In an empty high school auditorium playing Baba O'Riley.
Alison groaned as the alarm went off and she rolled over and smacked it. She stared up at the ceiling and tried to deal with the dread she felt. It was Saturday. He's gone and he's not coming back. Alison got out bed and smelled bacon. Who's cooking? She headed out to the kitchen and saw Steve was cooking. He had come into the city in the yesterday afternoon while they had been packing. He and Bucky were staying in her grandfather's room until they left on Sunday.
"Morning," said Steve sitting down a plate of eggs and bacon for her. Superheroes keep making me breakfast. This is a very weird week, thought Alison.
"Thanks," said Alison pouring herself a cup of coffee. "Did you guys sleep alright?" asked Alison.
"Well its inside and it's not freezing so that's a plus," said Steve and she rolled her eyes. "It was fine. We would have stayed at Stark Tower, but it feels odd to stay there when Tony isn't around and who knows where he went off too. Besides I didn't want to risk Bucky wandering off again." Steve had gone too Stark to pick up what Alison had left behind and found out that Tony had taken off to parts unknown much to Pepper's annoyance.
"He didn't mean to freak you out," said Alison.
"I know that. I'm glad he came to you though," said Steve sitting down with his own breakfast.
"So what are you guys going to do today?" asked Alison.
"I thought I would take Bucky around the old neighborhood. See if it jogs anything. I wanted to know if we could join you at Prospect Park for the memorial service tonight though. I really haven't been to any of the memorial services since it happened. I would like to pay some respects," said Steve.
"It's gonna be a lot of people. Do you want him in a crowd that big?" asked Alison. Steve handed her the clicker.
"I don't like this anymore than you do, but if we really need to keep him in line," said Steve. She put it in her purse and took another sip of her coffee.
"He did really well yesterday. The key is to try to help him control the memory and not the other way around. It's why he lashes out or zones out," said Alison. Steve nodded.
"I'll keep that in mind," said Steve. Bucky came into the kitchen and eyed her.
"You let Steve cook?" asked Bucky.
"He did it before I woke up," said Alison.
"I've gotten better at it," said Steve.
"You would burn the toast all the time," countered Bucky.
"I like my bacon super crispy," said Alison taking a bite of the black bacon. "I'm just happy the smoke detector didn't go off."
"I put them on the fire escape," said Steve. He got up to get them and Bucky poured his own cup of coffee and she handed him the creamer.
"So Steve did bring back the recording we got of Becca. Maybe you two could listen it to this morning while I'm out," said Alison. He sat down with his own coffee and eyed the bacon Steve had cooked.
"Maybe," said Bucky.
"Are you alright this morning?" asked Alison.
"Sort of nervous about hearing her voice again. Nervous about being out in public with Steve," admitted Bucky.
"I think you'll be fine with Steve. If it gets really bad for you I'll have my phone and you can call me," said Alison.
"I really shouldn't bother you today. You're going to pay your respects to your fiancée today," said Bucky.
"Technically my day off isn't until Sunday," said Alison and he shook his head.
"You're sort of nervous too," said Bucky.
"Am I that easy to read?" asked Alison.
"A bit," said Bucky. He could feel the tension coming off her. He knew she was supposed to go see the people who would have been her in-laws and return some of her fiancée's things. I guess that would be a little nerve racking, thought Bucky.
"I guess we're both doing things we really don't want to do today," said Alison.
"That's good to know," said Bucky. Alison got up to make Bucky some eggs since he refused to touch the brunt bacon. Steve put the smoke detector back up and looked at Bucky.
"Is it really that bad?" asked Steve.
"Yes," said Bucky flatly. Alison gave Bucky the eggs and went to go take a shower. Steve poured himself another cup of coffee.
"So I asked Alison if we could join her tonight at the memorial service. If you feel up to being around more people," said Steve.
"What if someone recognizes us?" asked Bucky.
"I have glasses and baseball caps," said Steve.
"Really," said Bucky.
"Worked in D.C," said Steve. "So do you mind if I ask what brought you back to New York?" asked Steve trying to follow Alison's advice to lead Bucky into a memory instead of him falling into it.
"I really don't know. I just felt like I needed to come here," said Bucky.
"You were only a few blocks from the old apartment," said Steve.
"I might have broken into the old apartment and slept on the roof," admitted Bucky.
"It was weird to find out they turned into a historical landmark," said Steve. "I did go in and it was a little too clean."
"It didn't feel right," said Bucky.
"Yeah," said Steve. They sat there in silence until Alison came out. She was dressed in black leggings and a long white sweater. She had a long black scarf wrapped around her neck, the bruising was fading, but were still there. At least she could eat solid food again and her voice sounded almost normal.
"You guys alright?" asked Alison grabbing her black flats.
"We'll be fine," said Steve. Sam came in and looked around.
"You ready?" asked Sam.
"As ready as I'm going to be," said Alison. She handed Steve an extra house key. "In case you guys get back before we do." She picked up the box and followed Sam out.
…
He and Steve didn't need a car since everything was in walking distance. Alison's building was only a few blocks from their old apartment. People didn't pay them any attention as they went by. They all seemed to be in a hurry or huddled together talking. It was the anniversary of the Invasion and from what he understood a lot of different services and memorials had been planned for today. Bucky could recall the causality count being in the thousands when he had been briefed about what happened. He knew about the one in the park, but when they had the news on last night it seemed each borough had something different planned not to mention the churches seemed to holding their own services. He heard church bells ringing from a distance and he knew they used to go all the time when they were younger. It wasn't the one they walked by, that was where Alison had volunteered with.
"This wasn't our church," said Bucky nodding his head at the building.
"No. We went to Saint Francis. The building burned down in the 60's and they turned it into a park. They rebuilt in Queens though," said Steve.
"You were an altar boy," said Bucky. He could feel how hard the wood was through his dress pants. Becca pulling her dress around her knees and his mother wincing a bit to get on her knees. The cold always bothered her back this time of year. Steve's mother was next to her and she took her hand to help her down. Bucky looked up to see Steve standing off the side with the water the Father used to wash his hands. The vestments were almost too big on him, but they were the smallest size they had.
"Only for a year or two," said Steve shrugging. "It made mom happy, but I kept getting sick so I missed too many services to continue on."
"I got kicked out of class didn't I?" asked Bucky and Steve gave him a little smile.
"You didn't like the other kids picking on me. Sadly you were the only one caught fighting so you got kicked out," said Steve. He gave the boy a good kick in the ribs for pushing Steve down. Sister Mary grabbed him by his collar.
"James Barnes!" She grabbed his ear and pulled him inside.
"Sister Mary would pull your ears, but Sister Judith would hit you with the ruler if she caught you acting up," Steve looked at him slightly impressed.
"She was always sort of mean. She did seem to enjoy it a little too much," said Steve. Bucky looked around and once again it was sort of like a hazy, but Steve kept talking to him. The 7-11 on their right used to be the corner market where Steve worked used to work. The bookshop a few blocks down had been the bakery where Becca had worked.
"She always brought home the day old bread," said Bucky looking at the bookshop.
"You liked the raisin bread," said Steve. She would try to hide a loaf for us so it wouldn't sell. She confessed it every Sunday and had to say a prayer of forgiveness for stealing. I didn't consider it stealing. We just wanted to eat, thought Bucky.
"Do you still go to church?" asked Bucky has they walked down the street and he spotted another church up ahead. Sunday, Wednesday and the holidays when mom was alive. After she died went with Steve's mom and when she died we only went on Sundays.
No. I tried for a while after coming back and I just didn't feel anything. After everything we saw during the war I wanted to believe again. Then I got to fight alongside someone we thought was a myth.. It's sort of hard to pray to the Virgin Mary when you know a real god or the closest thing we'll ever know to a God," said Steve.
"I don't know what I believe anymore. If there is a god he is a mean son of bitch," said Bucky. He could feel the metal being grafted to his skin and someone gave him another shot so he passed out again. It still hurt when he woke up and he grabbed the tech by the throat...
"Hey it's safe here," said Steve touching his shoulder bring him back to now.
"Do you wonder how they can still believe?" asked Bucky. They watched a man with three young children hug two older people and they seemed to be in a state of grief and shock.
"Because they need too," said Steve.
"Our moms would kill us to know we don't go anymore," said Bucky. He held his mother's hand as Father Thomas read her last rights. Becca had her head resting on his back and her arms wrapped around his waist. He could feel her tears though his shirt and his own tears were burning in his eyes.
"You're a good boy James," It hurt her to breathe and she took another pained breath. "Be a good girl for your brother Rebecca. No talking back to him. And no picking on her James. You two have to be good too each other." She closed her eyes and he swore he could feel every second as she died. Becca started sobbing and he felt his mother's grip loosen on his hand. He turned and tried taking Becca out of the room. She started sobbing and he almost had to pick her up and carry out of the room.
"You still here Bucky?" asked Steve.
"Just thinking," said Bucky and he kept walking.
…..
"I'm trying to study," said Alison giving Matt a playful shove and picking up her highlighter. He took the notebook away and grinned.
"All work and no play make Ally no fun at all," sang Matt. She gave him a mocking glare.
"When the zombie uprising happens you are going to want a highly skilled nurse on your team and you are screwing with her study time. She has a very important test coming up and she needs to study," said Alison taking the notebook back.
"So you actually have a zombie plan?" asked Matt looking amused.
"Not a fully worked out one. But you will want someone who can do stitches and take blood samples. So think that over," said Alison. She picked up her book to start reading again and couldn't focus because Matt kept looking at her with that goofy smile on his face. Alison sat her book down and sighed.
"What?" asked Alison annoyed.
"Just bored," said Matt. Alison rolled her eyes and picked the book back up.
"If I asked you to marry me right now would you say yes?" asked Matt. She went to put the book down again and saw Matt had the ring in front of her.
"Oh my god," said Alison and she dropped the book. Matt grinned.
"Now that I have you attention. Alison…"
"Yes," she said.
"Let me finish," said Matt. "Alison."
"Oh my god yes!" said Alison nearly knocking him over to hug him.
"It's good to know you'll take a study break for a marriage proposal," said Matt as she kissed him.
Sam held her hand as they walked through the cemetery. Sophia and Renee were with them. Alison had a small thing of daisies with her. He got me daisies for Homecoming. I picked out daisies for the tables at the wedding. Alison looked down at the headstone and saw it already had a wreath and some other potted flowers. I'm really sorry I haven't been out in here awhile, thought Alison laying the flowers down. Sam pulled her into a side hug as Sophia and Renee put their flowers down.
"You know I didn't go to the funeral either," said Sam and Alison looked up at him. "Robert wanted to go, but he was worried about you being alone in case you woke up. So I got stuck watching you Sleeping Beauty," said Sam trying to tease her. She leaned into the hug.
"Didn't try hitting on any of my coworkers while I was sleeping?" asked Alison wiping her eyes. It was either laugh or cry right now.
"No one took the bait," said Sam.
"I'm really sorry," said Alison.
"So you really plan on disappearing to god knows where after tomorrow," said Renee.
"Upstate New York is hardly god knows where and I'll be back on Sundays. The old man needs someone to watch football with," said Alison. Renee went to say something when Sophia cut her off.
"I love you darling, but this is her choice and clearly she wants to do this. Stop trying to talk people out being heroes," said Sophia. Renee gave her a look and sighed.
"You know I think this is a sign you need to go back to Camp Happy, but I'm clearly outnumbered here," said Renee. "Just promise me you won't put on a catsuit and starting calling yourself something stupid like Butterfly or American Woman." Alison hugged her and Sam shook his head.
"I don't know Butterfly has a nice ring to it," said Sam and Renee glared at him.
"I best never see her on TV fighting or so help me you will need the Super Solider to save your ass from me kicking me," said Renee.
"You know Matt would be really proud of you," said Sophia giving Alison a hug.
"He would probably be trying talking me into the catsuit for non-superhero reasons," said Alison and Sophia laughed. They stood around Matt's grave and Alison put her hand on Matt's tombstone. I hope you would be alright with me doing something like this, thought Alison.
"You need a minute?" asked Sam.
"I think I'm good for now," said Alison. I still miss you, but it's better now. I'm going to be just fine.
…..
Somehow he and Steve ended up at the cemetery where their mothers had been buried. Wendy Barnes was buried a few rows away from Sarah and Joseph Stevens. Bucky stood next to Steve as he looked at his parent's tombstones.
"I haven't been out here for a while," said Steve. The tombstones were still standing if not a bit worse for wear. "I didn't think to bring anything."
"I didn't either," said Bucky. He could remember that Sarah had been there to help him out after his mother died. I didn't know the first thing about taking care of a teenage girl, thought Bucky.
"Your mom...she helped us," said Bucky.
"We all helped each other. When my mom had a night shift your mom looked out for me and my mom made sure you guys were alright too," said Steve.
"She showed me how to hold a baby," said Bucky. "She used to call me Jimmy."
"I really wanted a little brother," said Bucky looking at the baby his mother was holding. Sarah had taken his mother to the hospital to have the baby and now he had a little sister, her name was Rebecca Elizabeth Barnes. She was sleeping and his mother shook her head, but smiled at him.
"Come here Jimmy and I'll show you how to hold the baby," said Sarah patting a spot on the bed. He got on the bed and Sarah took the baby from his mother. "Now you have to keep her head up because it's still really delicate. Like glass." She helped him hold up her head before easing away.
"She's so small," said Bucky. She let out a yawn, but stayed asleep.
"Did your father come home yet?" asked his mother and Bucky shook his head. His father had been home for a few minutes after the neighbors told him where his mother had gone. He hadn't come to see them yet.
"I'm sure he'll be back soon," said Sarah putting a hand on his mother's shoulder. His mother looked like she wanted to cry.
"I'll help with the baby. I promise," said Bucky. Maybe she wouldn't be so bad.
"Bucky?" asked Steve. He had walked over to his mother's grave and realized there was a small marker for him and for Steve next to her.
James Buchanan Barnes-Born March 10th 1917 Died-February 21st 1944. Beloved Son and Brother.
Steven Grant Rogers-Born-July 4th 1918 Died- February 23rd 1944. Beloved Son and Best Friend.
"Becca said they had funerals for both of us at Arlington, but she must have put these here. She wanted us close to home," said Steve. She never told him about it. Maybe she figured you had enough death in your life, thought Steve.
"They didn't have bodies to bury," said Bucky. Did his sister come and stand here over their mother and wonder where he and Steve were buried.
"We weren't the only ones," said Steve. Bucky shook his head and touched his mother's tombstone. Alison wanted to know where I learned to dance and it was from my mother.
"My mother taught me how to dance. It was her birthday," said Bucky softly.
"You bought her a record. Do you remember that?" asked Steve. He was doing that thing Alison would do. Ask him a question to see how much he could remember. It was a sort of test. I don't get in trouble for remembering anymore. It's alright to remember even though it hurts.
Bucky had scrimped and saved for weeks to get his mother a birthday present and he held the record close to his chest. The record player had been their only Christmas present a few years back and they only had a few records. He really wanted to get her this one, they had heard the song on the radio from Steve's and his mom's apartment and had really liked it. Mr. Harkon had some flowers on sale and he picked those up too. She was home and making dinner with Becca's help.
"Young man you are almost...well what is this for?" asked his mother.
"Happy birthday," said Bucky and he hugged her. She took the flowers and kissed his cheek
"Someday you are going to make a lady very happy," She put the flowers in a glass jar and he handed her the record. She got a little glassy eyed when she saw it. "You are very sweet. Thank you darling." She put the record on and hummed with the music.
Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper 'I love you'
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me
His mother taught him and Becca how to dance to that song.
"It was Ozzie Nelson," said Bucky and even he was a little surprised that he could remember who it was by.
"It took me the longest time to find some of the records we used to have. Someone at SHIELD gave me one of those digital players. an I-pod and it just wasn't the same. They meant well, but I wanted the old stuff, I guess I just wanted something from when things were normal," said Steve.
"You mean before we both became science projects?" asked Bucky with a slight grin and Steve couldn't help but grin back. We might have been some broke kids from Brooklyn, but we were happy together, thought Bucky
"It's not all bad though. Central air is amazing. All the movies are in color. Food is also much better," said Steve.
"And yet you still can't cook," said Bucky. He touched his mother's tombstone again and closed his eyes. "I haven't thought about her in such a long time. I didn't realized I still missed her." He knew logically everyone had come from parents, but the Soldier part of him refused to entertain the idea that he had a mother who might have cared about him once.
"It's the little things I miss the most. My mom always smelled like clean sheets and medicine. She would bite the inside of cheek when she did paid the bills for the month," said Steve.
"She...she...I just miss her," said Bucky. If there was an afterlife and Wendy Barnes had been watching over him would she still call him her son, her good boy? I'm really sorry mom.
"Do you wanna go?" asked Steve.
"Please," said Bucky. Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulder and Bucky let him lead the way.
…
Sam was waiting in the car while Alison went to the front door of Nick and Susan's home in Queens. Sophia and Renee had agreed to meet them at the park this evening. She didn't think this would take long. It didn't look like anyone was home. She just planned to drop the stuff on the stoop with a note explaining things. Just knock, wait a few seconds, drop the box off and walk away. Alison adjusted the box on her hip and knocked quickly on the door. She counted to thirty in her head and no one came to the door. She was about to sit the box down when the door open and it was Rachel. She had cut her long dark hair up to her shoulders and permed it so it was in tight curls. Alison had to remind herself that Rachel wasn't a teenager anymore, but a twenty something year old woman. Matt would probably still see the little girl who colored on his sheet music once, thought Alison.
"Oh my god," said Rachel shocked..
"Hi. Sorry I should have called first. Wasn't sure if you still had the same number," said Alison. "Is your dad home?" She would rather speak with Nick instead of Susan. He would just be easier to talk too. Hell he might actually talk to you, thought Alison.
"He's away this weekend and I had to study for an exam. Um come in" said Rachel holding the door open.
"I don't want to bother you," said Alison. Why did I knock? Drop and run...stop being a coward, thought Alison.
"Don't worry. Is that Sam?" asked Rachel and she waved at him to come in. "Please come in. Don't worry about my mom. I don't know where she is." The tone in Rachel's voice had gone from warm to bitter cold when speaking of her mother.
"Will she be back soon?" asked Alison stepping inside and Rachel let out a bitter little laugh.
"My parent's finally got divorced last year," said Rachel with a hint of glee.
"Oh my god I'm so sorry," said Alison and Rachel waved it off.
"No good marriage ends in divorce. I can't remember if Dan Savage said that or someone else did. Hi Sam," said Rachel as he appeared in the doorway. "Do you guys want something to drink?"
"Actually I wanted to give you this," said Alison holding the box. Rachel closed the door and looked at the box stunned. "I should have found it sooner, but it was in the storage unit and I didn't know it was there," said Alison.
"It's alright. Wow. Um. Let's go in the kitchen and we can talk," said Rachel looking very flustered. Alison gave Sam a look and he shook his head and motioned to the kitchen. They went in and sat at the counter while Rachel made coffee. We had pancakes here after Prom. Sunday dinners, Wedding plans were made here. Rachel was supposed to be a bridesmaid.
"So what's in the box?" asked Rachel her hands shaking a bit when she opened the box.
"Stuff from Matt's other high school and some from when we went to school together," said Sam. Alison nodded as Rachel went through the box, it was mostly pictures, a few trinkets from music camps and his letter-man's jacket from the other school he went too before his family moved to New York.
"I just can't believe you found this and…." Rachel trailed off when she found the ring. She looked at Alison with a flushed face.
"This is your ring," said Rachel and Alison shook her head.
"No sweetie it's your ring. I don't...I have to let him go," said Alison suddenly feeling like she wanted to cry. Looking at Rachel was looking at a splitting image of Matt and it threw her. Damn it. Get a grip.
"You haven't called in months," said Rachel her voice full of hurt and Alison reached over and took Rachel's hand.
"I didn't deal very well with everything and I wasn't in a good place to talk to anybody. I wasn't even talking to him," said Alison pointing at Sam.
"I missed you and no one would tell me anything. You just disappeared," said Rachel. Alison sighed.
"I went a little off my rocker and had to go to a hospital for a while to get myself back together. I know I should have called sooner, but I wasn't in a good place. Everything was weird between us and I really didn't know what to do," said Alison. Rachel looked at the ring and she was near tears.
"So why are you giving this back now?" asked Rachel.
"I did love him and a part of me always will, but I have to let him go. I need to move on and that should be yours. You should wear it someday and give it your kids so they can give it to their kids. Not with me and his ghost," said Alison. Rachel started crying and Alison went around the counter and hugged Rachel.
"I'll give you two a minute," said Sam and he left the kitchen.
"It sucks. The whole thing just sucks. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I miss you. I miss Matt," said Rachel.
"I know it wasn't. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Trust me I wasn't in a good place to be around anyone. I wanted to give you guys back a piece of him. I have my memories of Matt and it's enough for me. I also wanted to tell you guys I got a private nursing job upstate so I'll be moving out the city," said Alison.
"So you came to say goodbye for good," said Rachel.
"Not for good, but I did want to say good bye the right way," said Alison. "I still care about you and your family and I would have loved to have been in it. I think a part of me will always be tied to this family. But if things were different and I had died I wouldn't want Matt to feel like he couldn't move on. I felt like I couldn't move on for the longest time and now I feel ready too," said Alison.
"Have you started dating again?" asked Rachel and Alison let out a nervous laugh.
"I went on one very horrible date two weeks ago. I'm a little out of step with how dating works now. I'm trying though," said Alison.
"Whoever he is better be awesome to you or I will kick their ass," said Rachel almost laughing and crying at the same time.
"You will be either fourth or fifth in line to kick said person's ass," said Alison. Rachel went over to the box, took the jacket out and hugged it.
"Dad is really going to love this. Mom took almost all of Matt's stuff. Their marriage was always really crappy and Matt's death was just the end point for them. Dad is happier without her...he smiles more. He lost about forty pounds and started dating again. So if a fifty something year old single dad can get a date so can you," said Rachel.
"Everyone is really freaking me out with need for me to date," said Alison.
"It's because you are awesome and someone needs your awesomeness," said Rachel hugging her. "Dad is actually with his girlfriend this weekend. He needed out of town and I told him to get gone. I'm going to Mid-town tonight with some friends to a service there and then I'm taking my fake I.D and getting totally shitfaced with my business school friends."
"I'm going to Prospect Park with Sam and the gang tonight. Don't be too stupid," said Alison and Rachel gave her a smile so much like Matt's it hurt a little.
"Whatever mom," said Rachel. "Take care of yourself."
"You too," said Alison giving her a hug. She and Sam got in the car and headed back to Brooklyn.
It never gets easier," said Alison and she went to twist her ring and stopped herself a second before her hand got their. Sam took her hand and squeezed it.
"At least you aren't alone," said Sam.
…
"So you just let it go," said Bucky confused and Alison gave him a small smile. She was holding a paper lantern, some markers and a lighter.
"It's symbolic. You write the names of your love ones on the lantern. You light it and let it go," said Alison kneeling on the ground. She took one of the markers and wrote Matt Quilin and Robert Jr and Jill Conley on the paper lantern
"I'm surprised they do this in the city," said Sam.
"It does seem like a safety hazard," said Steve. The woman Alison had introduced as Sophia rolled her eyes and knelt down next to Alison.
"Everyone got the proper permits I'm sure," said Sophia. The other woman, Renee sat down and took the marker from Alison
"Besides they did this last year and everything turned out fine," said Renee. Alison handed her the marker and Renee wrote Marcus Hickman.
They were all at Prospect Park near the Bandstand area and Bucky thought he could remember being in this park. Alison had been talking about this park the night he threatened her so she didn't finish telling them about the park. You can be a real asshole you know that, thought Bucky. He knelt down to ask her to tell him more about the park and she looked a little surprised.
"Did you want to write something on the lantern?" Alison asked holding out the marker to him. When was the last time you wrote anything? thought Bucky and his right hand clenched into a fist and could feel it shaking. I was going to write a letter home...
"I could write it for you," said Alison calmly as if she sensed his frustration.
"Please," said Bucky. "Wendy Barnes and Georgina….I didn't know her last name."
"That's fine. Is that Wendy with a I or a Y?" asked Alison.
"With a Y," said Bucky. She wrote down the names and held the marker up to Steve and Sam.
"Do you wanna add any names?" asked Alison. Sam took the marker and wrote Riley Cardell before handing the marker to Steve.
"All the cool kids are doing it," said Sam. Steve wrote Sarah and Joseph Rogers. He paused for a second before writing all the names of the Howling Commandos before capping the marker. We're all that's left now, thought Bucky. He could see them so clearly sometimes and other times it was like a blurry photo. They were all idiots. We all were idiots who barely made it out alive once and decided to go back for more and...He felt Steve grab his right arm hard. Not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to bring him back to now.
"Do you want go?" asked Alison looking at him worried. The others were also looking at him worried, but her worry seemed different than Sam and the others. It was like how Steve looked worried about him.
"Just hit me you know. That they're gone," said Bucky and Steve's grip got a little tighter and Alison nodded.
"I know that has to be really hard for you," said Alison. Sam exchanged looks with Renee and Sophia as Alison kept talking to Bucky in what they called 'the nurse' tone. It was calm and could probably talk you into anything since it was so conniving about everything it said. Sam noticed how Barnes would look at her now when she spoke. The fact he was making eye contact with anyone was a downright miracle. You just have to keep working on him, thought Sam.
"We can talk about this more later if you want," said Alison and he nodded. She took his right hand and gave it a small squeeze.
"Thanks," said Bucky.
"It's what I'm here for," said Alison. Steve eased his grip up as Bucky stopped feeling so tense. The sun had gone down and people started setting up their lanterns and lighting them.
"Did you do this last year?" asked Bucky.
"I was still in the hospital during this last year. I could see it from where I was though. It was really pretty," said Alison. He was about to ask about her time in the hospital when someone turned off the park lights and all you could see were the lantern lights.
"Everyone. We'll give the signal of when to release the lantern in just a few minutes. But first a few words from Brooklyn Borough President- Lana Paizo," said a male voice. There was the sound of the mike being handed off and the clearing of a throat.
"Hello everyone. I keep hoping this will get easier with time, but I always find myself at a lost for words about today. I find myself looking at all the people here and there is one word that comes to mind. Hope. On this day we all faced something that was beyond anything we ever could imagine and we're still here. We stayed here because this is our home. We stayed here because of our hopes that we could rise above what happened. It's been hard for so many here. There isn't a person who wasn't touched by the events that happened three years ago…" Bucky tuned out the woman speaking and looked at the group around him.
Sophia was leaning on Renee and silent tears were falling. Renee kissed her forehead and just held her. Alison seem fixated on the lantern and her hands seemed to be shaking on it. Sam had his hand on her arm the way Steve had grabbed his. Steve had his hands shoved in his pockets and he was scanning the crowd. He fought the aliens. He tried to save as many people as he could, thought Bucky.
"It's my hope that we continue to come together to celebrate the lives of those we loved and that they will be a light for all us to cherish," said the woman. She handed the mike back and the man started speaking.
"I the count of three. One...two..three…" Alison let go of the lantern and so did the others around them. Alison's eyes looked glassy in the candlelight and Sam hugged her. The sky above them filled with the lanterns and it was easily the prettiest thing Bucky had seen in years.
"Didn't we come here in the summer for fireflies?" asked Bucky looking at Steve who also had the glassy eye look Alison did.
"We tried to catch them," said Steve.
"They look like fireflies," said Bucky watching the lanterns drift higher up.
"Yeah the do," agreed Steve.
They watched until the lanterns they were almost tiny pinpricks in the distance before starting the walk home. Alison wiped her eyes and let out a huge sigh.
"Well that wasn't so bad," said Alison.
"It had more people than last year," said Sophia.
"It…" started Alison when she paused.
"What?" asked Sam and Alison shook her head.
"Listen," said Alison nodding her head across the street. It was a street musician on the corner with a guitar singing.
"Hey Jude...don't be afraid. You were made to go out and get her. The minute you let her under your skin, then you'll begin to make it better."
"You know that is one of the few things I don't miss about Matt. The mocking of my name," said Alison.
"What?" asked Steve and Bucky was also confused. You were going to marry someone who made fun your name?
"My full name is Alison Jude Conley," she explained and Renee started to laugh.
"Every time he heard any song with Alison in it he would poke fun at her and every time he heard this song he started in. It was a little funny," said Renee.
"It was only funny after a few drinks," countered Alison. Bucky couldn't recall any song with Alison in it, but he could recall Jude. Only it wasn't a song.
"Jude was a saint," said Bucky and they all sort of looked at him stunned.
"There is that too," said Alison.
"He was the saint of lost causes," said Bucky. It's oddly fitting considering you have to deal with me, thought Bucky.
"He was also the saint of hospitals. My mom seemed to go to him first for all things," said Steve. Alison turned a little pink.
"My parents just really liked the song," said Alison. They walked Sophia and Renee back to their car.
"Good luck," said Sophia hugging her. Renee hugged her.
"No catsuits," she teased before getting in the driver's seat. They watched them get in the car and drive off. They headed inside and dropped Sam off at his aunt's apartment.
"So we're leaving at noon," said Sam.
"I'm taking the old man to breakfast and to remind him I'm moving," said Alison.
"Pepper said a team will take everything you have boxed up to Headquarters in the morning so we can take the jet back," said Steve. Sam hugged her.
"Get some sleep," he said.
"You too," said Alison. They headed up to her apartment and Alison went to the kitchen to put the kettle on for tea. "Do you guys want a cup?"
"I wouldn't mind one," said Steve.
"No thank you," said Bucky. He went into the living room and looked at the small pile of boxes she had sitting by the door and the guitar case next to the boxes. Alison came back into the living room.
"I can make you something else," said Alison.
"Do you play this too?" asked Bucky touching the case.
"A little. He was teaching me to play before he died," said Alison.
"Were you any good?" asked Bucky and Alison grinned. She opened the case and sat down with the guitar.
"I might be a little rusty," said Alison tuning up. "This one is a little sappy." Alison started and Bucky felt his breath hitch.
"Stars shining bright above you. Night breezes seem to whisper I love you. Birds singing in the sycamore tree. Dream a little dream of me" sang Alison. It sounded sad coming from her. Did it always sound this sad, thought Bucky. She went to start the next verse when he grabbed her arm with his right hand. She stopped and looked at him worried.
"My mom liked that song. How do you know it?" asked Bucky.
"We heard in it in the 30's," said Steve seeing Alison looking confused.
"Oh. I know from a band called Mamas and Papas from the 70's. I knew they redid it, but I didn't realize how it really was. It was the last song Matt taught me," said Alison she was turning a little pink in the face again. The kettle whistled and Steve went to turn it off.
"Do you want to talk about her?" asked Alison.
"I just started missing her again," said Bucky. "I haven't missed her in a long time."
"It's alright to miss her no matter long it's been," said Alison.
"Sometimes I can remember her so clearly….remember it all so clearly and other times it's really hazy and nothing makes sense," explained Bucky.
"That's something we're going to try you help you with. It might take awhile before it gets better, but it's going to get better," said Alison.
"Trying to live up to the saint's name huh," said Bucky and she gave him a look.
"I'm really sure my parents did not think about the saint when naming me," said Alison. Steve came back in and handed her a cup of tea and she thanked him.
"Your family is really into a music," teased Steve and she laughed.
"Well my parents did meet at a music festival," said Alison.
"Well it's nice to know the classics didn't completely go away," said Steve.
"Vie en Rose," said Bucky and they both looked at him.
"What?" asked Steve looking slightly hopeful for some reason.
"Did we know that song? I remembered it earlier and there was a little girl singing it," said Bucky.
"There was a little girl," said Steve grinning and Alison looked up at Steve.
"Is there something you wanna share?" asked Alison. Steve sat down in a chair.
"I was hoping you would remember this," said Steve and he started telling them about Sergeant Barnes and his sweetheart.
I'm thinking of starting a Youtube playlist for the music used in this fic. Let me know if that's something you would like.
Love it, hate it, let me know.