Alison looked outside and felt a hint of pity for the cadets running in the rain. She put on a grey sweater and blue jeans before pulling her hair back in ponytail and putting on a little bit of make-up. When she finished getting ready she slipped the panic button for Bucky's arm in her pocket and she knocked on Bucky's door.
"Come in," he said and Alison entered. He was sitting on his bed wearing blue jeans and a long sleeved black shirt. He had tucked her dog tags into the front of the shirt, but she could make out the outline of them. He had nicked himself shaving and his hair was still a little damp from the shower.
"Are you ready?" asked Alison.
"As ready as I'm going to be," said Bucky standing up.
"If it does get to be too much for you, tell me and we'll go somewhere else alright," said Alison.
"Okay," said Bucky. They headed down to the breakfast together and she could tell he was a little more than nervous about this. Considering how he had been under lock and key his first time here because of the accident at the Tower he was on guard and worried about how people were going to treat him.
"It's a lot like the first day of school," said Alison and Bucky raised an eyebrow. "We're both new here; we want to fit in and try to not look like a total dorks."
"I'm pretty sure I'm beyond fitting in at this point," said Bucky.
"I know things started out on a down note the first time you were here, but they were scared and didn't know you. Let them get to know you," said Alison. They entered the mess hall and all the TV's were turned on to different morning shows and were on at full blast. People were wide awake and adding to the din of the room. It was about half full of support staff, scientists and a few of the med staff. David spotted her and gave a wave and Alison returned it.
"I can't," said Bucky and Alison looked up at him. His face was a little pale, both his hands were clenched into fists and he looked ready to run. He had a run of good days and had clearly peaked on Saturday. Steve had pulled her aside yesterday before she got on the jet to let her know that Bucky had been nervous about returning to Stark Tower and had seemed annoyed and anxious when they had gone out to breakfast and that he froze when faced with ordering his own food. Everyone has a bad day and this is a lot to take in, thought Alison.
"Alright. We'll head back upstairs to my office. Just take a deep breath first. Take two more. That's it," said Alison. His right hand reached out and grabbed her wrist hard, but his face didn't look so pale. "Come on upstairs," said Alison and they headed back up. Has they got further away from the all the noise his coloring went back to normal and his grip eased up on her wrist.
"That was really stupid," muttered Bucky as they went into the office. He let go of her wrist and sat down in a chair. Alison took a seat on the coffee table in front of him so they were face to face. "It..it was just really loud and...I don't know," said Bucky.
"It was a lot to take in right now. We all have good days and bad days. You did have a couple of really good days and you need to keep those in mind," said Alison.
"What's a bad day like for you for you?" asked Bucky looking at the floor.
"Sometimes it's really hard to get out of bed. I just wanna sleep all day so I don't have to think about why I'm sad or stressed out. A couple of times I just cried for hours on end. I had times where I didn't want to eat and when I did eat I would just throw up. The important thing is I don't have so many bad days now and I know how to deal with them," said Alison.
"When was your last bad day?" asked Bucky. He was looking at her with such intensity it made her want to step back, but he needed someone to walk him through this right now.
"It was a few weeks before Matt's birthday. He would have been thirty and it just sort of it hit me out of nowhere that he wasn't going to turn thirty and I cried for a good two hours. I let myself have those two hours and then I went for a very long walk and told myself it was alright to miss him and that I was allowed to have a bad day and that I was going to try again tomorrow," said Alison.
"And it works?" asked Bucky sounding a little more than skeptical.
"It worked for me in that moment. I have to remind myself from time to time...and it used to be really hard to tell myself this... that while what happened changed my life I needed to not let it become the focal point of everything else in my life. That I still could have a life. It was going to be different, but I still could have a life and I was the defining factor at the end of the day," said Alison.
His gaze was less intense, but he was still looking at her with those dark blue eyes like she had an answer to his problems. I hope I do, thought Alison.
"Is that what they told you do at the nuthouse?" asked Bucky. She was going to have to cross a line into the very personal to explain how she had gotten better. It's not going to the best answer, but it's sort of an answer, thought Alison
"That was one of the things they told me to do. They told me I had an anxiety disorder-which looking back on my life that helped a lot things make sense. I was depressed and had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-or PTSD from watching an alien invasion up close, losing my fiancée and almost dying because of it. They helped me figure out why I was anxious and how to deal with that. They put me on medication to help balance me out so I wouldn't feel so anxious or depressed all the time. It took a lot of time and a lot of trial and error until things were right for me again." Alison took a deep breath before going on.
"From what I've seen last week and what I read in Hydra's files about what happened to you. You also have a case of PTSD and yours was brought on by years of torture-both mental and physical in nature. They took away who you were and everything that went with it. You're starting to have pieces of yourself come back, but you need help making sense of them because they have been gone for such a long time. You also need help facing what happened to you and you need a plan on how to deal with what happened. I want you to know that whatever is said in here stays between us. I will never tell anyone what you say to me unless you talk about hurting yourself or plans for hurting someone else. I can't let you hurt yourself or someone else and not try to stop it. I know they made you do terrible things and I can only begin to imagine the terrible things they did to you, but no matter what you say I will listen to you and I'm not going to judge you. We can talk about anything you want to talk about and we'll talk for as long as you want to talk about it. This is going to take time and we'll take as long as want until things are right for you again." said Alison.
The intense look in his eyes was replaced by something softer and sadder. His hands found her hands and gripped them. The metal hand was cool on skin and she was still a little stunned at how light it felt and how the fingers intertwined with hers. At first glance you wouldn't expect it to have so much movement. She hated to admit to herself she was impressed with their work. His right hand was so hot and somehow its grip was tighter on her than the metal hand. She wondered if he was aware of the difference in his grip and was actively controlling the pressure in his hands so he didn't hurt her. She stayed still, didn't say anything while watching him decide what move he wanted to make.
…
Bucky could hear the rain outside pick up more force; he could hear the faint whirring sound of his left arm and the sound of their breathing. She was looking at him, her green eyes held so much patience he wondered how she came by it. Did it come naturally or did she have to learn it? His mother had been the one to teach him patience, to think before acting, to wait for a moment for making a move. Just take one second to think before jumping. Just look for moment to be sure it's right. The Army had fine-tuned the skill. One does not become a good sniper by shooting at everything that moves. You have to wait, sense out the target, go at the right second or it's gone. He liked the demand of learning how to take patience to a new level. Hydra had perfected the skill in the Soldier. He could sit for days waiting for a target, not be bothered by the elements, or the talking from his handlers. The only thing that mattered was that second when he pulled the trigger.
The way Alison was watching him though she might have been a helluva of snipper if someone had taught her. She hadn't a moved a muscle since he had taken her hands in his. She had slowed her breathing and her eyes just held that look of waiting, she could wait all day and not feel it. She made her move and now it was his turn. She told him before she wasn't supposed to share her personal life with him and he asked how could he trust her if he didn't know her. She was letting him know her in a way other people might not know her. She was trying to help him across a divide that seemed uncrossable right now. The Rubicon, the point of no return. I have to make my move. She has to know the truth. I owe her that, thought Bucky.
"I can tell you anything?" asked Bucky.
"Yes," said Alison. The look of waiting was still in her eyes and he swallowed a lump in his throat. Please don't hate me. Don't walk away, thought Bucky.
"I thought about hurting you a lot last week….there was a part of me that liked hurting you a little," said Bucky. Alison sighed and she squeezed his hands. He could sense her in his left hand and he did have to remind himself to be careful when holding her hand in his left. He could hurt her if he wasn't careful and he had hurt her enough. The marks had that sickly yellow color to them and she was hiding them with make up today.
"I figured you might have violent thoughts and that they might be directed towards me. You didn't know me at the time so taking them out on me might be easier than hurting Steve who you have a lot of history with. Plus I'm an easy target and wouldn't be able to hurt you back. You haven't been allowed to have any emotions in a long time and being angry is very easy and the most basic feeling anyone can have. You wanted someone to feel hurt like you have and that's where the enjoyment came in. The enjoyment didn't last very long," said Alison.
"No," admitted Bucky and Alison nodded.
"The soldier part of you isn't all you are, but he does have a strong hold on you. I think he's what kept you alive for this long. Since he's not truly needed now and you've been remembering who you used to be its like two very different people trying to live in one person. You have to learn to live with both parts of yourself now," said Alison.
"I sometimes hate both parts of myself," muttered Bucky. He sometimes hated the Soldier. Hated his heartlessness, his ruthlessness, and how little he cared for life and for others. The Soldier hated Bucky. Hated the weakness, the memories of home and family he carried with him, and his need for others.
"You might hate yourself for a while and it's not going to be easy to reconcile those two very different parts of yourself," said Alison.
"Is any of this going to easy?" asked Bucky.
"Not at first. You might have days where this is the last place you want to be or you don't want to talk to me. You might even have days when you hate me again. We're going to get through them together," said Alison. The patience look was still in her eyes for him, she was still waiting for his next move.
"I don't hate you right now," said Bucky and she let out a small and nervous laugh.
"Well that's a good thing," said Alison.
"So how does this work? We just talk," said Bucky.
"Yeah. It's going to be a lot of talking. We're going to work on trying to help you remember both parts of your life and how to deal with the memories. Right now they control you and your reactions to things. You have to learn how to react to them and in a non-violent way no matter how upsetting the memory is. They can only hurt you if you let them," said Alison. She gently pulled her hands out of his and for a brief second he considered grabbing her and not letting go as she got up. She's warm and I like how it feels when I have her hands in mine. She's safe. She went over to a desk and muttered to herself.
"Do they still believe in paper and pens around here? Oh yes they do," said Alison. She pulled three slim notebooks out of a desk drawer with two pens. She sat back down in front of him and handed him the two of the notebooks and a pen
"I know you probably hadn't written anything down in ages, but this might help you more than you think. One notebook is for things you remember from before Hydra and one is for things you remember while you were with them. Anytime you remember something I want you write it down. We'll sit down and talk about what it what it means, how you felt remembering it and what place it has in your life now," said Alison. Bucky took them from her and held them in his lap.
"We'll try to start with something easy today. How much do you remember about your parents?" asked Alison. She got up and took a seat on the sofa, creating a physical distance so he had room to think, in a manner of speaking. Bucky sat back in the chair and thought. That's supposed to be easy?
"I remember my father was a mean drunk and I never wanted to be like him. He left when Becca was born. He never came back and they didn't divorce and she couldn't prove he was dead so she was stuck with him till she died. We were with her when she died...they said she had cancer. It didn't take long, a few months. I prayed...I prayed so hard for her. I didn't want her to go," said Bucky. He could see her in his head and she had been so thin and pale and she always seemed cold to the touch.
"Do you have good memories of her?" asked Alison and he shrugged. "You said she taught you how to dance. What was she like?" asked Alison. He closed his eyes and he could see her how she had been before she got sick. Her dark brown hair pulled back into a braid and she had been wearing a plain green dress. She always had dark circles under her eyes no matter how much makeup she used to try and cover them He and Becca got their eyes from her... But after his father left she smiled more and seemed able to breathe easier. It was hard and she had to work so many hours, but things were better without him. She made sure we had a home and at least two meals a day. She would skip meals so we had more to eat. I always told myself I would take care or her when I got old enough.
"She was my mother….she had a very nice smile. Her whole face would just light up when she smiled. She was a good cook. No matter what we had in the apartment she could make something edible out of it. She told me I was a good son. I don't know what she would say about me now," said Bucky.
"That you are a good son. That she loves you and misses you. You were her son and nothing can change that. She must have been a tough lady. It's not easy to raise a family as a single parent now, so I can't begin to imagine what it was like in the 1920's and 1930's," said Alison.
"Steve's mom got her a job doing laundry at the hospital. She also took in other's people clothes for washing and mending." Now pay attention James, this might come in handy someday. Hold the needle like this and make sure the thread is really in there.
"She was resourceful," said Alison.
"She would leave the Becca with a neighbor lady or Steve's mom if she had the morning off," said Bucky. "We had a hard time getting aid...I got a job when I was ten to help. I helped sweep the floors at the corner shop. It had to be before school or after school. She wasn't raising any stupid Irish men," said Bucky and Alison gave a small smile.
"Go on," said Alison. He couldn't seem to stop talking once he started. It was like opening a door and everything fell out all at once. Even he was a little surprised how much he remembered about her. You had to forget about her. They made you forget everything...it was still there. Just locked behind a door and I couldn't find the key, thought Bucky.
"I missed her a lot during the war. When they captured the unit I thought I was going to see her again...until Steve showed up. I thought I was dreaming or dying when I saw him...stupid punk should have gone after Zola than. He should have left me behind," said Bucky.
"He couldn't have left you behind any more than you would have left him behind. Catching Zola didn't matter to Steve, you did," said Alison. Bucky could feel a hazy coming on and he closed his eyes.
"Bucky," said Alison and her voice sounded far away.
"What is your name?" asked Zola and Bucky spit in his face. Zola wiped it away and motioned to the guards to put him on the bed. He was strapped down and struggling with anything he had left in him.
"You've been a very good worker here. One of the best. I think you might have gotten a cold though and well I can't have you getting everyone else sick," said Zola. Bucky almost laughed, he never got sick. His mother told him he was too stubborn to get sick.
Zola went over to a fridge of some sort and pulled out a blue vial. Bucky watched as he attached the vial to a needle.
"One of my former colleagues was working on a serum to improve a person's physical strength and mental abilities. He actually succeeded twice to my knowledge. Maybe we can try for a third time," said Zola. Bucky started struggling against his bonds and Zola motioned for the guards. One rolled up his sleeve and another forced him to be still. Zola came over and Bucky could feel his heart hammering in his chest. Zola found a vein in his arm and injected him with the blue liquid. He felt different and his heartbeat picked up. He was sweating like he had run for miles and everything seemed hazy.
"What did you do to me?" asked Bucky panting.
"We're going to make you better," said Zola.
"Bucky," said Alison. He opened his eyes to see her looking at him worried and her hand was in pocket. "You still there?" asked Alison.
"It's still me," said Bucky and her hand eased out of her pocket. She must have that little zap button in there. He knew she only would have used it at the last second if she needed it. It's not in her to hurt someone, even if they strike first, thought Bucky.
"Do you want to write down what you remembered and we can talk about it later?" asked Alison. He grabbed the notebook and his hands were shaking a little as he wrote down what he remembered. It was odd seeing his handwriting and how different it looked from what he remembered it being.
"Let's take a break and get some lunch," said Alison looking at her phone.
"How long have we been talking?" asked Bucky suddenly feeling hungry.
"It's a little after one," said Alison getting up and stretching.
"I've been talking for five hours," said Bucky more than stunned. It didn't feel like hours had passed. He looked out the window and the rain had stopped, but it was still overcast.
"Well you had a lot to say. We'll get lunch from the mini kitchen. It won't be so crowded," said Alison. They got up and walked through the med center and some people waved at them and Alison waved at a few of them.
"See it's not so bad," said Alison as the headed downstairs.
"Maybe," said Bucky. As they got closer to the kitchen they could hear two people going back and forth at each other.
"I told you it needs cinnamon," said a female voice with a strong Eastern European accent
"But the recipe doesn't call for cinnamon," said another voice and it sounded British and a little mechanical. Bucky gave her a look.
"It's going to be alright," said Alison giving his wrist a squeeze. They walked into the kitchen and both them were stunned. There was a girl who didn't look to a be a day over twenty holding a mixer, a jar of cinnamon was floating near her hand and she was pointing the mixer at the oddest man either one of them had ever seen. He was tall, had maroon skin and was wearing some sort of green suit and cape.
"Hello," said the man and he held out his hand. "You must be James Barnes and Alison Conley. We were told about you two."
"We...wait are you Vision?" asked Alison trying to remember what Sam had told her about the people here. She walked forward and shook the odd man's hand.
"Sam told you about us?" asked the girl.
"Yeah. You must be Wanda," said Alison offering her hand. The girl sat the mixer down and shook Alison's hand awkwardly. Bucky stood there while Alison made them lunch and made small talk with the other people.
"Have you made brownies before?" asked Vision.
"Yeah," said Alison.
"Do you add cinnamon to them?" asked Vision.
"My mother always put cinnamon in her brownies," countered Wanda.
"I like to put a little applesauce in my brownies so they stay moist. I've never had them with cinnamon," said Alison.
"They'll be good I promise. Why don't you ever trust me when I bake?" asked Wanda.
"Because you make odd choices when baking. Like mint in chocolate," said Vision.
"Mint is good," said Bucky and Wanda nodded at him.
"See he has good taste," said Wanda. Alison smiled and handed Bucky his plate.
"Would it be alright if we had one of those brownies when they're finished?" asked Alison.
"I don't see why not. It was nice to meet you," said Vision and Wanda started dumping cinnamon in the brownie batter before he could say anything.
"You did really good back there," said Alison.
"There was only two of them and well it's nice to know I'm not the oddest thing in your life now," said Bucky with a slight grin.
….
They talked until Steve got them for dinner. Alison went and sat with the medical people so she could meet them. Bucky sat with Steve, Sam, Natasha, and a man named Rhodes. Bucky mostly listened. After dinner she went to go talk to the staff she hadn't met yet and told him he was free to do whatever he wanted. Steve took him around Headquarters for a tour and outside so they could get some fresh air since the rain had stopped.
He had talked almost all day and his head hurt a little so after he finished his walk with Steve he went to his room. Alison told him to try to write down two memories tonight. It could be one of each time in his life or they could both be from his time before Hydra or during his time with them. All that mattered was that he wrote down two of them tonight. Alison told him they would start again tomorrow morning and that would talk about the memories he wrote down.
He managed to get two small memories written down. One about him and Steve when they were in school together and one about taking Becca out for a movie when he finished Basic. Bucky sat the notebook aside and laid down in the bed. It felt odd being allowed to talk for so long and so freely.
Bucky tried to sleep and found he couldn't and he stared up at the ceiling. It was that weird feeling again and he really wished it would stop. He had slept alone before while on the run, but it had been outside or on hard floors when he could find a place with a roof. The bed in the hospital had been his first in ages and it was sort a step above a floor. He hadn't been alone though since Alison slept on a cot in the room. Even though he had a train of violent thoughts towards her during the day, at night he hated to admit even to himself that he liked having her in the same room. She would wake up when he had nightmares to calm him down. A part of him of hated that a person who he didn't know Well did he really know anyone anymore? saw him at his lowest moments. On the other hand there was a very small part him liked how she would sit with him.
He could hear her open the door to balcony and he could hear the guitar playing. Bucky got up and opened his own balcony door to sit outside and listen to the music.
Layla, you've got me on my knees.
Layla, I'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind, sang Alison and she fumbled on the strings a few times before the song ended.
"So how many songs do you know?" asked Bucky leaning on the balcony wall. Alison looked over and smiled.
"About six in all. I have sheet music for more. I just have to sit down and work through it," said Alison. "You did really well in the dining hall this evening. If you want we can try for breakfast in their tomorrow."
"I would like too," said Bucky. He sighed and she put the guitar away.
"What is it? asked Alison.
"It's weird having my own room. My own things. It's a different not having you in the same room while I'm trying to sleep," said Bucky.
"You won't have to listen to me snore," said Alison.
"You didn't really snore. I just realized I really haven't slept alone since the war. It was always so loud at night. You got used to it," said Bucky. Alison nodded.
"It was weird for me coming home too. Being able to sleep in my own room and how quiet it was. If you want I won't shut the door between our rooms so it feels like it's one room when we're sleeping," said Alison.
"I guess that would work. Thanks," said Bucky.
"Anytime. I'm gonna call it a night. Give me a minute to change and I'll leave the door open," said Alison. She came back in and a few minutes later she opened the door and stood in the doorway. "See you in the morning."
"See you in the morning," said Bucky. She stepped out the doorway and he heard her settle into bed. He went and settled into his bed that was too soft and listened. He could only hear the sound of his arm. He got up, grabbed his pillow and a blanket off the bed before going into Alison's room. She slept like a child, her head resting on her arms and curled up on her side. Bucky settled on the floor and it felt better laying on the hard floor with the sound of another person breathing. At least it's warm and I get to lay down. Bucky soon drifted off to sleep and it felt alright being here.
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