Rated M-Rape and abuse
"So I thought we could watch the second Harry Potter movie tomorrow," said Alison. It was their second week here and on Wednesday when the med staff had they day off Alison had suggested they take small break from his therapy. Well it was still therapy in a way, she was helping him catch up on what he missed. Last week they had sat down and watched the first Harry Potter movie together. It wasn't a bad movie, some of the stuff they left out annoyed him a little, but everything they had managed to do was beyond amazing to him. He noticed Alison had spent most of her time watching his reactions than watching the movie.
"I'm almost finished with the third book," said Bucky and Alison grinned.
"Were you always a fast reader?" asked Alison and Bucky shrugged.
"I liked reading. When it was too cold for Steve to go out and play we went to the library. I used to trade books with Gabe, his family always sent him books," said Bucky.
He honestly couldn't remember if he read fast before or not. Alison nodded and stood up to stretch her legs, a sign that they were done for the day. He never seem to be able to sit still for long during their sessions. He would pace the room, fidget in the chair or stand at the window when they talked. She would sometimes get up to talk to him when he stood at the window, but for the most part she sat on the sofa with her legs tucked under her while they talked and she took notes.
Alison went over to the desk and locked the notebook in a drawer. She wouldn't let anyone see her notes about him and he appreciated that. Even though they hadn't gotten to his time with Hydra yet, bits and pieces of it had come up. He wasn't sure if he would ever be ready to talk about that.
"So instead of two memories for your journal I want you to try for three and you have an extra day to come up with them," said Alison.
"You know I thought once I left school the homework would stop," said Bucky dryly and Alison rolled her eyes.
"Keep it up and I'll make you write a book report for the next Harry Potter book," said Alison. He gave her a small grin and they went off to dinner.
This is when they took their break from each other. She would sit the med staff and have her dinner and he would sit with Steve and have his. After spending almost eight to nine hours listening to him try to make sense of his fractured and confusing memories he understood that she might need some time on her own to decompress. I can't make sense of some of my memories and I lived them. What is like to have to piece someone else's life back together for them. I'm exhausted some days I didn't even do anything, thought Bucky. He went and worked out with Steve after dinner and she went swimming. Thought you were supposed wait thirty minutes or something, thought Bucky. He stayed in his room and would listen to her on the balcony has she tried to teach herself a new song. It was amusing at times to listen to her fumble through a piece, swear, start over from the beginning until she felt it was right. He liked the one she was trying to learn right now.
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
He always waited an hour or so after Alison was asleep before going into her room to sleep on the floor. She had only caught him doing it once and it was because she had accidentally stepped on him while on her way to the bathroom Saturday night. He always managed to get himself up and back to his room before she got up. He told her he hadn't been able to sleep, but didn't want to wake her up. She was sort of half awake at the time and agreed to let him stay the night there.
He wasn't sure why he didn't tell her the truth. That he felt a little better sleeping near her. He didn't think she would be angry or annoyed with him for doing it. Weak. It makes you weak, hissed some voice in his head. Bucky curled up on the floor and listened to her sleep before dozing off.
The blow to his knee hurt, but he didn't cry out. He knew better than to cry out during punishments. Crying out made them last longer and hurt more. The Soldier knew he had earned this punishment. He had been disobedient. He hadn't followed orders and he wasn't sure why he hadn't followed them to start with. There was another blow to his side with a pipe and he winced.
"That's enough for now," said a voice and he stepped out the shadows. Pierce stepped into his line of sight and the agent dropped his pipe. "Leave us," said Pierce. The agent left and Pierce bent down so they were at eye level.
"I'm very disappointed in you. I thought you were above disobeying orders. We've been looking for you for over a month now. I should discontinue your use if you can't follow orders. However I'm sure this is your last attempt at disobedience. Because if you disobey a direct order again it will be the end of your service. Do I make myself clear?" asked Pierce.
"Yes sir," said the Soldier.
"Good. Now stay on your knees," ordered Pierce and something in the Soldier cried out. Please not this...anything but this. The Soldier ordered it to be silent as Pierce took off the Soldier's pants and he felt Pierce's hands on his hips. This was punishment and he just needed to take it.
"I don't like disobedience and I won't stand for it from anyone," said Pierce. The Soldier heard Pierce unzip his pants and a felt the man go inside him. The thing inside the Soldier begged and pleaded for this to stop as Pierce grabbed his hair with one hand and pulled hard as his other hand stayed on his hip to thrust hard into him.
"What don't I like?" asked Pierce settling his hands on the Soldier's hips and slamming into him hard. The Soldier bit back a cry of pain before replying.
"Disobedience," he said.
"Are you going to disobey again?" asked Pierce.
"No sir," said the Soldier.
"Good," said Pierce and he picked up his pace and a few moments later the Soldier felt the man finish. Pierce started touching him and telling him what a good soldier he was while the voice inside carried on pleading for this to stop.
"Bucky! Bucky wake up!" said Alison. He felt her hand on his chest and she was shaking him awake. He would later learn had been screaming his head off and shaking uncontrollably. When he came too he saw Steve was next to him on the floor trying to wake him up. Sam and Natasha were standing in Alison's doorway and sending anyone who came out to see what was going on back to their rooms.
"Bucky?" asked Steve reaching out his friend when Bucky quickly pulled away.
"Don't touch me," hissed Bucky.
"We don't want to hurt you alright. You just gave us a scare is all. Can Steve put a hand on your shoulder?" asked Alison. Bucky nodded and Steve could feel how tense he was through the tee shirt was soaked in sweat.
"I'm going to get you some water alright. Just take slow, deep breaths and relax," said Alison. She got up and Bucky pulled in several shaking breaths.
"God what did they do you Buck?" muttered Steve. Alison came back with the water and pressed it into his shaking hands.
"Just breathe," said Alison. It took him several minutes before he stopped shaking and his breathing evened out a little. Steve's hand didn't leave his shoulder, but Alison didn't touch him until he stopped shaking and she asked if she could. Bucky nodded yes and he felt her hands on his face. Her hands almost felt cold considering how hot he was.
"Can you look at me please?" asked Alison softly and it was another several minutes before he could look at her. "That's better," said Alison and she brushed some of his hair off his face.
"You're burning up. I think you might feel a little better if you took a shower to cool off. Do you want to do that?" asked Alison and he nodded. "We'll talk about this in the morning alright. You can stay here tonight. I'll get you a different blanket and pillow case and make you a better bed to sleep on," said Alison. Everything she said made sense and he found himself leaving her and Steve to talk.
….
"How long as he been sleeping on the floor in your room?" asked Steve as Bucky shut the door to his bathroom and they heard the shower start. Alison pulled the sheets off his bed and got a different blanket and pillow case for him to sleep on.
"I know he did it on Saturday night because he said he couldn't sleep. He might have been doing it all week and I didn't know it," said Alison. She tossed the sweat soaked blanket in the hamper before making up a little area for him to sleep.
"Do you know what the hell that was about?" asked Steve sitting on her bed. Sam and Natasha had gone back to bed so Alison felt alright talking to Steve about Bucky.
"It was clearly a flashback of some sort and I going to assume it was during one of the many torture session he went through over they years. I'm not sure which one and even if I knew I really couldn't tell you. That's up to Bucky to tell you. I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone what he told me unless it was life threatening. He might have nightmares until the day he dies. They might lessen in severity and frequency with time, but they're apart of who he is now. It's been a few days since he's had one so we could take that as a good sign. We were able to calm him down without him attacking us so that's another good sign. Baby steps," said Alison.
"I really hate this and Hell doesn't have a pit deep enough for the people who hurt him," said Steve.
"Oh I agree with you on that," said Alison. She had a guess about what had happened to Bucky based on some of his earlier reactions to being touched. She hadn't brought it up yet, she wasn't sure if he really remembered what happened or if it was just a reflex to the physical abuse. She was going to have to bring it up to see if she was right and if she was right she might ask Steve if she could use his punching bag. Bastards, thought Alison. It wasn't enough you had him under lock and key. Completely under your control and you had to throw one more method of abuse at him just to really drive home how cruel you could really be. They heard the shower shut off and a few minutes later Bucky came out in a pair of sweats and his hair dripping wet and in knots.
"Come here. I'll brush that out for you," said Alison.
"Are you alright Bucky? Do you need anything else?" asked Steve and he sounded so hurt and worried Alison really wanted that punching bag now.
"No. I'm sorry for waking everyone up," said Bucky sounding ashamed.
"It's alright. Try to get some sleep okay," said Steve leaving the room and shutting the door behind him. Bucky followed her to the bathroom and she had him sit on the edge of the tub so she brush the knots out. She knew Steve had been teasing him about cutting his hair, but he didn't want to do it.
"Here you shouldn't sleep with wet hair," said Alison and she blow dried his hair. He couldn't seem to look at her while she tended to him. The look of shame in his eyes just pissed her off. She wasn't a vengeful person, but if she knew where Zola's grave was she would have gleefully destroyed it and dug up his body to burn it. When his hair was dry she bent down so she was at Bucky's eye level.
"Do you want to talk about it now?" she asked and he shook his head no. "Okay. Let's try to go back to sleep then." He stood up and before she could react he had his arms around her and pulled her close to him. He was shaking again and muttering in Russian.
" Безопасно. Это не больно." She looked up at him and there was something in his eyes she just couldn't make out. What is going on up there? wondered Alison.
"Come on. We need some sleep," said Alison. He pulled away and looked at her puzzled.
"I'll try," said Bucky. She had made his spot up right next to her bed. He settled in and she climbed back into her bed.
"Do you want the light on?" asked Alison and he shook his head no. She reached over and turned off the light. "Here take my hand until you go back to sleep," said Alison dangling her arm over the edge of the bed. He took it her hand in his left hand and the grip was a little too tight, but she didn't say anything. Let him have this, thought Alison. Neither one of them went back to sleep that night.
…...
The dining hall was quiet on Wednesdays when the med staff had their day off. They tended to either sleep till noon or leave the property before dawn to go into the city. Most of the people on their floor were cadets in training so he was spared odd looks from the people in the hall this morning. He wasn't really hungry, but he wanted coffee and Alison clearly needed some herself. She brought over two very large mugs and started dumping cream and sugar in hers before she even sat down.
"I'm really sorry I kept you up," said Bucky taking his coffee and adding creamer. Alison shook her head.
"We have a bad days and sometimes we have bad nights too. It just happens," said Alison sipping her coffee. "Come on. I think we have to talk a little bit." She got up and instead of heading to the office they went to gym area. It was a boxing area where he and Steve would go after dinner. He could sort of remember teaching Steve how to box and now Steve was showing him. He wasn't sure it was the best idea. What if he slipped back into Solider mode? Steve assured him he would be alright and they didn't really fight each other. It was mostly the bag or a dummy in the corner. Alison looked at the punching bag and then back to him.
"Do you wanna go first?" asked Alison.
"What?" asked Bucky confused.
"Well I've never used a punching bag before. All the self defense classes I took in college had a dude in protective gear we could hit. I think you have some mad you need to work out before we do anything else today. So how does this work?" asked Alison. He went over and grabbed a small pair of gloves and helped her put them on.
"Keep your fists up. Never put your fists down. Take a step forward. Don't stop moving. Your swing is too wide. Who taught you how to hit?" asked Bucky as she swung wildly. Sweet Jesus she wouldn't stand a chance in any fight, thought Bucky.
"Well self defense was a lot about getting away from the situation and not the fight itself. I know you aim for the nose, the eyes, the groin or the solar plexus before running away and that you hopefully still have a purse," said Alison. Bucky came up and put her fists up.
"Don't put your fists down." He went behind her and held her arms. "Now take a step forward and it's quick movement with your arm and it's not all over the place." He guided her arm to the bag and pulled it back quickly to her face. "And than you step back, fist back to your face so they can't hit you. Forward, jab, and back. Forward, jab, and back. Like that. You need to move a little faster or you will get hit." Bucky watched her and she was a little bit quicker. At least her swing wasn't all over the place now. She went for about fifteen minutes before turning to him.
"Your turn," said Alison taking off the gloves and sitting on the floor. He didn't need a glove for his left hand and simply wrapped his right hand before he started punching. She watched him for a few minutes before speaking up.
"Can I ask you a question?" asked Alison and he grunted out a yes. "Do you have repeat dreams or is it a different one each time?"
"Different," said Bucky and he started hitting the bag harder. I wish I didn't dream at all, thought Bucky. She waited a few minutes before speaking up again.
"Can we talk about the dream from last night?" asked Alison and he kept punching and didn't answer. "We could talk about what you were sort of dreaming about two weeks ago when Tony was putting your arm back. What did you remember that upset you so badly?" He swung with his left and his fist through the bag. I don't want to want to remember that. Why do I have to remember everything they did to me?
"Damn it," screamed Bucky. Alison stood up and went over to him.
"Do you want another bag?" asked Alison.
"I don't want to remember what they did to me. I don't want it in my head," said Bucky balling his hands up into fists.
"I wish it wasn't in your head. I wouldn't wish what you went through on anyone. Do you want another bag?" asked Alison.
"Why?" asked Bucky.
"Because you really needed to hit something and I didn't want you to hurt yourself by punching a wall in the office," said Alison.
"Or hit you?" asked Bucky unwrapping his hand. She didn't anything and he hung his head. "Too soon?" he asked.
"We'll talk about it in the office," said Alison putting her gloves away. Damn it, don't be an asshole. Bucky grabbed her arm and he took a deep breath.
"That was uncalled for...I shouldn't joke about that," said Bucky. He knew she had never blamed him for attacking her, but it didn't stop him from blaming himself.
"I'm not mad at you and I'm not going to judge your sense of humor. I like my humor a little dark too. We could just talk here if you want," said Alison.
"Can we go outside and talk? I need some air," said Bucky.
"Let's take a walk then," said Alison. She took him out to the track so they could walk and be alone. They were alone since the cadets had finished up their workout so on one would hear them. They walked a one mile lap before she spoke up again.
"I know that what I'm going to ask is going to upset you so I'm going to apologize in advance. I don't want to upset you or make this harder on you than it needs to be. However I need to know what happened to you so I can help you move forward. Hydra was very detailed in most of what they did do you, but after last night and what happened two weeks ago in the Tower I want to assume they left out one method of controlling and hurting you. And if I knew the answer I wouldn't ask and you don't have to answer me right now. Did they abuse you sexually?" asked Alison. Steve would get the smart one out of the bunch, thought Bucky. He knew it was her job to try to understand him and sometimes she was a little too good for his liking. He decided just to spit it out so they could move on from this.
"Sometimes they would laugh while they did it. They always made me like it," said Bucky barely holding in his rage. A hand on his member and someone speaking in Russian as they stroked him. He could feel himself getting excited and wanting it to stop. Laughter as he tried to make it stop. They only stopped when he climaxed and told him he was good. Alison shook her head.
"You had a physical reaction to the attack. That wasn't enjoyment. Sometimes it's a little hard to understand why the brain and body work against each other. Sometimes the brain and the body disagree with other each during really stressful and harmful events. Your brain and body had a disagreement when you were being attacked. Your body reacted the way it would have if you were having sex of your own free will. The brain doesn't deal very well during really stressful moments and it shuts down, trying to save itself in a matter of speaking. What happened to you does happen to others during rape, they report hating their attacker and what is being done to them, but still having an orgasm. They would use that against you wouldn't they?" asked Alison. Damn it, thought Bucky.
"I remember someone calling me a bitch...more than once," said Bucky shoving his hands in his pockets and he kept walking. He takes it like a bitch and he likes it too, they said it to him so often he almost believed it. Alison sighed and picked up her pace to keep up with him.
"What they did to you was about control and power. Not sex or intimacy. I'm going to assume you were sexuality active before the war," said Alison and he shrugged. A girl pressing herself against him and him running his hands down her back and her lips on his neck.
"I'm also going to assume that you never made a girl do anything she didn't want to do. You weren't trying to control or hurt anyone during sex. They wanted to hurt and control you in the most intimate way possible. It wasn't your fault and you don't have to be ashamed of what happened. I want you to keep that in mind," said Alison. He sighed and try to work out what to say next.
"We don't have to talk about it now. I just want you know that you aren't to blame for what happened and that you can move on from this too someday. We are going to have to talk about this again and that this stays between us too like everything else. You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to tell," said Alison.
"You said someone tried to put their hands on you once?" asked Bucky recalling what she had wrote him in her letter.
"He was supposed to be my teaching doctor and when I decided to kill myself I tried stealing from the hospital. He caught me and wanted to make a deal. I could have the drugs if I agreed to a certain terms. He tried to put his hands on me and well that wild swing worked on him," said Alison.
"You don't put your hands on a woman like that," said Bucky.
"You don't put your hands on anyone if they don't want it. That's just basic manners and decency," said Alison.
"Does it bother you when I touch you?" asked Bucky feeling nervous. He was always rather forward with her and he didn't mean to be it just happened sometimes. Like last night, when she had finished brushing and drying his hair. He just wanted to feel something and she didn't push him away. She wouldn't hurt him. She's safe, thought Bucky.
"No and if it did I would tell you. You aren't grabbing at me because it's fun for you. You just want to know it's alright and that you're safe " said Alison.
"Thank you," said Bucky and he squeezed her hand.
"Can I ask you something? asked Alison.
"Yeah," said Bucky.
"Have you been sleeping in my room all week?" asked Alison and he gave her a sidelong sheepish look.
"I'm sorry. I just couldn't sleep," said Bucky. "It's just weird sleeping alone and the bed is too soft."
"Alright. We'll make a deal. You can sleep in my room, but you have to wake me up and tell me you are sleeping in my room. I don't want to step on in the middle of the night again. We'll do this until you feel ready to sleep on your own. Deal," said Alison.
"Deal," said Bucky. Thank you, thought Bucky as they kept walking.
…
He had another nightmare that night. It was about Georgina and what they did to her. He swore he could see hear her screaming even after he woke up. Once again Alison and Steve had to wake him up while Sam and Natasha kept others away from seeing him fall apart. Bucky could see Steve look at Alison pleading with his eyes for her to tell him something and she shook her head no. Good to her word. She's good to her word. Once again she stayed up with him, his left hand holding hers. He was torn again, he wanted her close by and he also hated feeling so weak.
The next morning Bucky went to her office to avoid any stares from people. She came up with a tray and two very large coffee mugs.
"I didn't do my homework," said Bucky and Alison nodded. She went over to the drawer and got her notebook.
"I figured as much," said Alison sitting on the sofa and tucking her legs under her. Jesus isn't that uncomfortable? thought Bucky.
"I was hoping we could focus on your nightmares instead," said Alison and he glared at her. He was mad and he wasn't sure why but he was sort mad at her right now. Because you told her and now we have to talk about it, said some voice in his head.
"I don't want to," said Bucky.
"I know you don't want to, but your nightmares are going to get worse for you if you don't let something go," said Alison. He got up and started pacing around the room.
"You know what they did to me. Why do I have to tell you anything about that time?" asked Bucky.
"I want to hear from you," said Alison calmly. Go over there and show her what they did, said that hateful voice in his head. No. You aren't going to put a hand on her. I just can't do this.
"I can't do this," said Bucky out loud. Alison got up and went over to him.
"Yes you can. Just breath and remember it's safe here and no one can hurt you here," said Alison. Bucky looked at her and she had that look of never ending patience for him. Sometimes Georgina would look so annoyed with me because I made things difficult. I think I made her happy that one time though. She didn't looked worried or annoyed with me that one time, thought Bucky.
"I dreamed about Georgina. She...I think I loved her and they made me kill her. She just...she wanted to go home and I couldn't help her and I…." He wasn't even aware of the fact he was crying.
"Just let it all out. Shush. It's alright now." He couldn't remember how she got him over to the sofa or how he put his head in her lap and she rubbed his back and carefully brushed his hair away from his face while he cried. Bucky fell asleep, arms wrapped around her waist and head in her lap. Alison fell asleep with one hand in his hair and another on his back. That was how Steve and Sam would find them when they went to get them for dinner hours later.
"Well at least he's sleeping," said Sam softly. Steve shook his head and noticed the notebook on the table. He went to pick it up and Sam stopped him.
"Those are her notes about him and things he's told her in private. You aren't ready to read those and you shouldn't read them even if you were ready," said Sam. Steve hung his head.
"I just wish I knew what was going on up there," said Steve.
"You will when he's ready," said Sam. "Come on. Let them sleep," said Sam. Sam turned off the lights and Steve shut the door softly
…..
It was pitch black when Bucky woke up hours later and remembered where he was and he remembered a little bit of what had happened this morning. I didn't have any dreams though. He didn't feel that mad anymore either. Maybe she was on to something about letting things out. He got up carefully and for a brief second Alison started to wake up and reach for him before dropping back into sleep. You did keep her up two nights in a row, thought Bucky. She was still sitting upright and it just looked uncomfortable to stay asleep that way. It would just be easier to wake her up and have her walk upstairs to bed. However he felt like he owed her a little bit since she agreed to let him sleep her in room. Please don't wake up, thought Bucky.
He bent down and picked her up. She groaned a little, but stayed asleep as he carried upstairs to her room. She sort of woke up for a second when he put her in her bed and covered her up with a blanket.
"Huh," she started.
"Go back to sleep," said Bucky and she did without question. He settled into his own spot on the floor and looked over. She had moved so one arm was dangling over the edge of the bed. Bucky reached over and held it as he went back to sleep.