Hints of Agent Carter if you squint.
"Are you alright?" asked Steve looking over at Bucky. His face looked so grim and focused it made Steve a little nervous. Steve had been debating teaching the med and support staff how to defend themselves. Granted the odds of them actually being in combat were slim, but considering there had gun fight in the middle of SHIELD and they might need a med team to go out with them on mission it just made sense to give them the basic tools to defend themselves. Natasha had decided to start testing out a program with Alison. She was newest person on staff so training her would be a good way to work out any kinks in the program.
"I just don't want her to get hurt," said Bucky softly and Steve could see him zoning out. They were just little girls and they had them in the most brutal fights. One girl snapped another girl's neck and another one got her teeth knocked out and I didn't see her again. She was trained that way. I don't want…
"Bucky," said Steve putting a hand on his shoulder and he came back.
"It's like when we trained before the war or when we train now. No one gets hurt. Natasha and Rhodey know what they're doing. They know Alison doesn't what she's doing and that's why they're teaching her," explained Steve. Bucky just watched as they tried to teach her how faint. He was so absorbed in watching her he barely heard Steve's phone go off.
"Hello. Tony? Tony where have you been and…" Steve paused and his eyes got wide. "Why didn't you tell anyone you were looking for Banner. We would have helped you! How close are you. No the staff is off for tonight and not on the grounds. Cho went home for a month! Well how bad is he? Alright we have David and Alison here and I'll have them prep for you guys. See you soon," said Steve and the hung up the phone.
"Damn it Tony," muttered Steve.
"Did he do something stupid?" asked Bucky. His dad could be really stupid too.
"Not sure yet," said Steve. He pounded on the glass and motioned for them to come out. They all came out and Alison looked a bit surprised that he had been watching.
"That was Tony. He's flying here and should be landing in a few minutes. He has Banner with him," said Steve. Bucky noticed Natasha pale a little and Alison looked over at Natasha.
"How is he?" asked Natasha appearing calm on the surface.
"Beat up according to Tony. Alison head up and tell David we need a room for Banner," said Steve.
"On it," said Alison taking off.
"Sorry I have to ditch you right now, but duty calls." said Steve.
"You are the captain," said Bucky and he headed back to his room. He was reading the fourth Harry Potter book and found his mind drifting. Carter was a dame who knew how to fight back. It was weird at first seeing a lady in charge of things. thought Bucky. He still wasn't sure how he felt about Alison being trained to fight.
You train to fight because you might be in a fight and you might end up hurting someone really bad. She wouldn't know what to do if she did hurt someone. She's not a soldier, thought Bucky. He knew though, he knew all too well. I hurt people and I never blinked while doing it.
He heard the handlers say something about South America and a journalist who was digging where he shouldn't be digging. He had to go and so did the office he worked in. Burn it the ground after dark and make sure it looked like a hit. They wanted to scare anyone off from following the other journalist's work. It was really all the same to the Soldier. Missions and targets. The handcuffed him to the floor of the plane by his feet and hands. He was stiff afterwards, but he didn't complain because it was weak. They would get rid of him if he showed weakness.
Alison found him an hour later zoned out just looking blankly at the wall with the book in his hands.
"Bucky," said Alison and he didn't respond. Alison went over and touched his shoulder lightly. "Hey," said Alison and he nearly jumped.
"I didn't mean to scare you. I said your name, but you were in kind of deep," said Alison.
"I was just thinking," said Bucky and Alison nodded.
"Do you want to talk about it now?" asked Alison.
"Maybe later. How it go upstairs? I assume when they say Banner they mean Bruce Banner. The Hulk," Alison could see him zoning out again, but he was still talking and the Russian accent became very noticeable to her. "Exposure to Gamma Radiation created the entity known as Hulk. No known weaknesses in the Hulk. Further…." He seemed to snap out of it on his own this time.
"What did I say just now?" asked Bucky sounding more like his Brooklyn self. He had teased her about her Southern twang coming out on certain words, but she wondered if he heard how he sounded sometimes. When he was very stressed she could hear his Russian accent. When he was calm that Brooklyn accent just took over. Two very different people and it shows, thought Alison.
"It sounded a little like a Hydra briefing you might have gone through about the Avengers," said Alison sitting down on the edge of his bed.
"I really hate doing that," said Bucky.
"Well you don't do it as much as before and you even snapped yourself out of this one," said Alison.
"So how is he?" asked Bucky.
"He's had better days," said Alison.
…
Someone had used Bruce Banner for a punching bag. Both his eyes were blacken, his lip was split and he was was just a series of bruises. He also looked like he tried to do his own stitches on a few cuts and he did them poorly too. They would have be taken out and redone. Alison lost the rock, paper, scissors contest and was removing the old ones and cleaning the cuts before redoing the stitches. She was also working for audience as Natasha stood close by.
"So this might sting for a second," said Alison as she numbed the area by one of the cuts.
"I did this before without the benefit of any painkillers so this is plus," joked Bruce. Well at least someone is trying to cut the tension in this room, thought Alison. She could just feel Natasha's eyes drilling into her as she worked. Alright so maybe some of those rumors were grounded in something. She remove a set by his chin and made sure the cut wasn't infected before stitching it back up.
"So you're new here," said Bruce trying very hard to not make eye contact with Natasha.
"Yeah. Started a few weeks ago. I'm technically a sort of psych nurse," said Alison.
"So are you here to analyze me too?" said Bruce dryly.
"I'm here because everyone else went out drinking and I lost rock, paper, scissors with David," said Alison. The cut on his right cheek was deeper and she had feeling it might leave a scar.
"I never had the patience to listen to other people's problems," said Bruce. Natasha let out a hiss of air and Bruce looked over at her annoyed and Alison almost cut him with the scissors.
"Please hold still," said Alison trying to clean the cut.
"Tony made me come back alright and…." started Bruce.
"We are not going to have this conversation right now," said Natasha coldly.
"We could call it couple's counseling," said Bruce.
" I don't think this right time for whatever this is," said Alison.
"Alright. Alison what do you call it when someone just takes off and doesn't tell you where they're going?" asked Natasha. Before Alison could even formulate a word Bruce was speaking up.
"What do you call it when someone brings out the worst part of yourself and you asked them not too?" asked Bruce.
"Okay we all just need to take a step back and…" before Alison could finish Steve came in.
"Natasha can you come with me please?" asked Steve. The tone clearly implied it was not a request, but an order. Natasha left the room and Bruce let out a sigh.
"Sorry about that. You didn't need to see all that," said Bruce settling back in.
"It's none of my business. Although if you wanted couple's counseling I prefer to see each of you one on one before trying to bring you two together," said Alison with a light smile and Bruce shook his head.
"It's a very long story and there is a killer A.I, a floating city and all sort of craziness," said Bruce.
"My sliding scale for what is crazy is pretty open anymore," said Alison stitching up the cut.
"Must make your job really hard," said Bruce as she moved onto a fairly big cut on his arm. Oh that is going to scar, thought Alison.
"Well currently I only have one patient," said Alison.
"Tony told me you were treating one James Barnes. I see you're still in one piece so it must be going alright," said Bruce.
"I haven't had to break out the zapper in two weeks so that's a plus," said Alison threading a needle. "You seem like a pretty patience guy," said Alison more to herself than to Bruce.
"I was so patience that when my funding got cut I opted to use myself as a test subject. You seem nice, but I'm not in the mood to be analyzed," said Bruce and Alison flushed a little.
"No I mean….I read a little bit of how you made the Lullaby. Well what Pepper could send me. I guess things are still a little messy after the bad A.I. I heard it about from Steve and wanted to know if it could be done with Bucky. It took patience to come up with that," said Alison.
"Or a desire to not have Tony use a mech suit on me. I could try to find my old notes if you want. Didn't think it would be useful for another person when I did it," said Bruce.
"Well he does zone out and sometimes it leads to really violent outbursts. It's why Tony made me a zapper. I'm really not fond of it though," said Alison. It was necessary to control him in case he got really violent, but if there was another way she wanted to give it a chance. "When I heard about the Lullaby it sounded really promising. And we're done," said Alison finishing up the stitches.
"I will praise your stitch work. Do you sew?" asked Bruce.
"I used to work in an ER in Midtown," said Alison peeling off the gloves and she buzzed for David. He came in holding the x-rays they had taken before getting started.
"Wow you still look like shit," said David.
"Is that a medical diagnosis?" asked Bruce.
"It's in the new CPT code book. Actually they have a whole section dedicated to various levels of looking like shit," said David. He held up the x-rays and frowned.
"Well you only broke two ribs so that's a plus," said David.
"I lost another tooth," said Bruce and David shook his head,
"I'm a nurse not a dentist. You can see him in the morning. Right now you're going to bed and we're going to give you something sweet and numbing for those ribs," said David.
"I'm already a little numb in places from the stitches. No more drugs," said Bruce.
"Let me get you an ice pack for your whole face," said Alison. She went to go find an ice pack and heard Steve and Tony going back and forth at each other and decided to not to even poke that bear. She found an ice pack and walked quickly back to Bruce's room.
"Are mom and dad still fighting?" asked David.
"Which one is mom?" asked Alison.
"Depends on the day and who Tony is bickering with," said Bruce letting out a groan when he put the ice pack on his face.
"Well I'll stay on watch until someone comes in. See you in the morning," said David.
"It's was nice to meet you Dr. Banner," said Alison.
"Sorry it wasn't under better circumstances,"said Bruce. Alison walked quickly back to her room as Natasha decided to toss her hat in the ring during the Tony and Steve bickering fest.
…
"So what is this Lullaby thing?" asked Bucky. He sat up so Alison could sit on the bed more.
"Well when Banner goes Hulk he sometimes slips out of himself. Like you do when you get really mad. The Lullaby brings him back to being Banner again. Steve said it was a pass phrase and hand motion. I thought it might be something we could work out instead of me zapping you. It's worth a shot," said Alison and he could tell she was mulling over something.
"Are you over thinking right now?" asked Bucky and she let out a sigh.
"Well when I was going over all the Hydra stuff they had on you they mentioned something about a pass phrase used to subdue you, however they left out what it was or if there was only one. I brought it up to Steve when I read about it and he said that was all he knew too. That was when the Lullaby was brought up. I'm sort of hoping if we can make this Lullaby thing work it might undo or overwrite some of that shitty Hydra mind control that still might be in there," said Alison tapping his forehead lightly.
"I waited for them to come get me after I didn't kill Steve, no one did though. I still don't know why. I knew there were other locations I could have reported too and I didn't. A part of me thought about it, but I didn't want too. I wanted to know who Bucky was and than I just didn't want to be found for a while," said Bucky. I was a bad man who tried to kill his best friend and too many other people to think of.
"The longer you stayed out of cryo the more your brain tried to fix the damage done. It's why they used ECT on you. To wipe your memory and then get you back to sleep before your brain could repair itself. The longer you were out the more control you had over yourself," said Alison.
"ECT? You mean the chair," said Bucky darkly.
"Yeah. Sorry. Sometimes hiding behind the language makes what happened to you a little easier to stomach. Not much though," said Alison.
"I really was worthless to them since they never came to get me," said Bucky trying to smile a little, but it didn't reach his eyes.
"Or they just forgot you were out. It was really crazy after the fall of SHIELD. I was still in the hospital at the time. We weren't allowed to watch the news in the common room and we didn't get newspapers for a while. I found out a little bit from my one on one doctor and a lot more from Sophia and Renee. The hospital didn't want news that our government was secretly run by a Nazi death cult to get out. It might have proved some people right," whispered Alison with a grin and even Bucky had to grin a little and it sort of reached his eyes.
"So how was your day with Steve?" asked Alison.
"It was fine. We watched Titanic. What you guys have done in movies is amazing. Steve said some of the stuff was done by computers and it all looked real," said Bucky. "The end bothered me a little bit...she tossed the diamond in the water that the guy was looking for. That was an ugly piece of jewelry by the way," said Bucky.
"I will have you know that many girls in the class had copies of that necklace. Myself included. I think I saw in theaters like three times. I had a little crush on the Leonardo...alright a huge one," admitted Alison when she saw Bucky raise an eyebrow.
"The end sort of made me feel weird and we went for a walk. They were all frozen and I remembered being un-thawed . It was always so cold when I woke up," said Bucky and Alison nodded. "Steve and I sort talked about what we talk about. I didn't tell him about...you know that," said Bucky and she nodded.
"You can tell him whenever you feel like it. That was step in the right direction though," said Alison.
"I used to tell Steve everything and now I have think it through. I don't want to hurt him," said Bucky.
"He's your friend and you want to keep him safe. It's what you always did for him," said Alison. Bucky went to say something when Steve came in.
"Banner said I should give you a bonus for your stitch work," said Steve.
"I accept gift cards," joked Alison getting off the bed. She wasn't going to bring up Natasha and Banner's little spat or that she overheard him and Tony bickering. Oh if I had a private practice those four would make my salary and then some, thought Alison. She imagined Tony and Steve had power struggles within the team Two alpha males trying to share leadership is bound to cause friction and well she couldn't even begin to guess the Natasha and Banner situation. They clearly had a thing of some sort, thought Alison.
"I'm gonna go for a swim and call it a night. You boys behave," said Alison. She left the room and Steve gave him a smirk.
"I think that might be the first time I've ever seen a girl in your bed and she was still fully dressed," teased Steve and even Bucky blushed a little.
"Was I really that way with all girls? I mean I sort of remember girls...I wrote it down and I talked about it with Alison a little bit. It just doesn't feel real sometimes. The only girl that really stands out is Georgina and…" Bucky cut himself off and Steve could see all the humor leave his face.
"You kept calling Alison that when we first brought you in. Can I ask who she was?" asked Steve.
"She...I…" Bucky took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. "I'm not ready to tell you everything about her, but I can tell she a classy lady and I really liked her. A lot. She was my Carter," said Bucky. Steve never got to tell Carter and all I got to have with Georgina is one very quick moment of passion. I told her I thought I loved her...I wish I would have left the thought out of it. I did love her. Steve sat down and Bucky looked at how sad Steve was.
"You never got to really tell her. I know how much that sucks. I did get to kiss Carter and we actually had plans for date before I flew a ship into the ocean," said Steve. Bucky sighed and looked at his friend.
"I was only 'dead' for a few days and you go off and do the dumbest thing possible. Thought the serum was supposed to make people smarter…" he dropped off again and Steve waited until he came back.
"How do you put up with me doing that? It pisses me off," said Bucky his hands turning into fists. Stupid god damn memories. I really hate them sometimes.
"If our situations were different and I had been brainwashed by Hydra you would put up with me. You are also my best friend. That's why I 'put up' with it," Bucky sighed and looked down at the book.
"It's nice to know somethings haven't changed," said Bucky.
….
"So we're going to try to do somethings a little different now," said Alison. She sat her notebook down and a small tape recorder. "Since we're going to be talking about your experiences in combat leading up to your captivity with Hydra. We're going talk about it differently than we did when we were trying to recall your pre war memories. Those memories were less upsetting so I want you to recall those whenever you feel like since they cause you less stress," said Alison.
"I was happy," said Bucky more to himself than to Alison, but she still nodded.
"We're going to do a mix of two types of therapy. One is called Cognitive Processing and the other is called Exposure Therapy. We've been doing a little jury rigged form of the Exposure Therapy when we would have you listen to old music or watch old movies. Trying to jog the old memories. Some forms of Exposure Therapy have you face the environment that caused the trauma. Like walking down an alley or being in a huge crowd. In your case though that might not be the best," said Alison.
"You aren't going to strap me to a table with a bunch of lab coats?" said Bucky dryly.
"No. I want you to try and remember a stressful event from the war or from your time with Hydra. You'll tell me what happened and you'll just repeat the story at least four times. I'm going to record what you say and we'll listen to it before we go at least twice and I would like you to listen it on your own," said Alison and he barely held a glare back.
"Why?" he asked. Isn't remembering it once enough? thought Bucky.
"Because right now the stressful memories have the most control over you. By doing this you're facing what it is, how you feel and giving it less power. It's putting you back in control," said Alison.
Bucky sighed deeply and got up to pace the room. He had slept poorly and he couldn't remember what he had dreamed about. Figures I either remember everything with crystal clarity or I can't remember a damn thing, thought Bucky.
"The other is Cognitive Processing. Sometimes after a trauma people get stuck on a certain idea-like it was there fault, they deserved it, they shouldn't be happy anymore, they shouldn't trust people, and so on. This is to help you find the idea or ideas you're stuck on and help you think them through and not think that way anymore," explained Alison.
"Is there more? You said things," said Bucky.
"I want to start next week adding in some exercises to help you deal with the assaults you experienced when you were with Hydra. Some of them need a partner. I was wondering if you would be alright with Steve coming into help?" asked Alison and he whipped around to face her.
"No. No Steve! Not here. I thought you said I didn't have to tell him and…."
"The exercises are about touch and relearning what it's alright. It's about trust. You trust Steve on a very deep level and we could find a way to keep what happened private," said Alison.
"I trust you. Can you do them with me?" asked Bucky softly and he could see her trying to think it though.
"You would really, really, really have to trust me. I would have to you touch you and it might be really intense at times," said Alison. Bucky went over to the window to think. He wasn't ready for Steve to know what happened to him. He didn't mind when Alison touched him. She's never looked at you the way they did when they hurt you that way. I can trust her.
"I've already trusted you this much. What's a little more trust," said Bucky. Alison nodded and went to say something when he made a decision. Let's just jump off the damn deep end, thought Bucky.
"Can we just do one these 'exercises' now so I know what to expect?" asked Bucky.
"I want you to read through them first before we try them. That way you know what's going to happen. For now we're just going to talk about Italy. Can you please sit down?" asked Alison. He did and she picked up her notebook and turned on the tape recorder.
"Now I want you to close your eyes. When we finished last week you and the 107th had made it to Italy. Can you tell what it was like when you first got there?" asked Alison. He sighed and tried to find something he could hang on to.
"It was cold and it rained a lot….it was hard to stay dry. When we did get break in the rain you could see the stars the sky was so clear. You could never see them in the city," said Bucky. "Of course the break in the rain brought out everyone…"
…
B company had been with them and were supposed to give them cover from the Germans. However once the fighting started it was panic. Pure and simple panic. The sky that had once been so clear was now hidden under smoke-gun smoke, smoke from a fires, someone shot a flare and that blotted out the stars and the full moon. His heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest. He looked to his right and noticed that Private Deon was no longer next to him. Shit, thought Bucky throwing himself into a hole for cover. The attack had been sudden and it was every man for himself. Bucky couldn't find the Captain or his second once the fighting started, he had grabbed the private who had been on the ground shaking and had ordered him to run. Seconds later Dugan and Gabe threw themselves in his hole for cover.
"We have five companies out there," said Dugan holding on his hat.
"Call B company and tell them we need cover," shouted Bucky. Gabe was only a few inches away, but Bucky's ears were ringing and something else just exploded nearby. Gabe held up the radio that had been blasted by gun shot. Probably saved his life for a another couple of minutes, thought Bucky.
"Behind you!" cried Dugan and Bucky turned and shot blindly There was too much smoke and it was hard to see who was who. A tank round went off blasting another hole near them. The ground shook with the force of it and the smell of burnt earth and smoke was overwhelming. Bucky ordered them to take cover even though they didn't have much cover to take. The smoke cleared a little bit, enough for him to see the Germans advancing on them. He, Dugan, Gabe and two other men starting shooting and Bucky saw two of the Germans fall.
Please God send reinforcements. I don't wanna die out here, thought Bucky and he took another shot. From out of nowhere came a blue light that wiped out the ten men in front of them. Bucky stared in shock as the blue light took out the rest of the Germans who were running away. What. What. What was that? Where did it come from? He couldn't see the bodies only smoke from where they had been. The men near him started cheering, but Bucky could just feel something in the pity of his stomach. Something isn't right. I've never seen a weapon do that before.
"That looks new," said Dugan has more blue light went off. A tank came over a hill and it wasn't like any of the tanks he had seen before. The barrel pointed down at them and a huge whirling sound started coming out the tank.
"Duck!" screamed Bucky. He, Dugan and Gabe all threw themselves into the hole and the ground shook even more this time. Bucky spit out dirt and could barely hear a voice telling them in German and than in English they needed to surrender.
Those who were still intact were rounded up. Those who had been wounded were shot. Any medic who tried to give aid was shot. The surviving company captains and their first lieutenants were shot in front of them. They shot all of them with guns that gave off a blue light. No bodies to left behind. It dawned on Bucky he was now the highest ranking member of the 107th here. You are now in charge here. You are responsible for all these people.
"My name is Colonel Lohmer. You now are all prisoners of Hydra," he called out. Hydra. The science people? thought Bucky. They had briefings on Hydra and that they had few units, but nothing like this. They shot their own people. What they hell are they going to do with us? thought Bucky. They started walking and that was when Bucky spotted Private Deon. He had been shot with a normal gun and half his head was missing. He was from Boston and the youngest of seven kids. His sister just sent him photos of her first kid. I'm so sorry kid. Much later when Bucky was strapped to a lab table he would think back to Private Deon and envy how quick his death was.
…
"Here," said Alison handing him a tissue after he repeated the story for the last. He hadn't been aware he was crying.
"Thanks," she turned off the recorder and looked at him. "So how do you feel now after that last retelling?" asked Alison. The first time he told it he had been angry. Why didn't they try to fight back more. They had just been frozen in fear. He could almost recalling tasting dirt in mouth and asked Alison for some water.
"Empty. Like it happened to someone else and not me. I just...when we pulled the trigger on the Germans it was because they were going to kill us. Hydra killed their own people and it still doesn't make sense why they spared us and killed their own people. Why did they let us live?" asked Bucky. Alison didn't say anything and he glared at her before speaking in a low voice. "I would really like a goddamn answer."
"I don't have a good one for you. I've heard some of the vets I grew up around say they got out by dumb luck. Some of it might have been dumb luck. Some of it might have been their training. It might have been both that got you through combat and through the camp. Part of this is just having to accept there is no good answer for the why of things. The thing you need to look to is what to do now. To understand you couldn't have done anything different," said Alison. He was suddenly so mad at her. He had to dig both his hands into the chair to keep them off her.
"Why am I even talking to you about this? You haven't served a day in your life! Steve got me a goddamn civilian," snapped Bucky. The whole battle was so fresh in his mind it made his head hurt. He had remembered it before. Bits and pieces that made no sense and now it was all there and it still made no sense to him. She doesn't know what it's like to have the guy next to you go down and have their blood on you. To not think before killing. Why did I agree to this? wondered Bucky.
"Do you want me to get Steve?" asked Alison calmly.
"I want to know why I'm alive," snapped Bucky.
"I don't have the answer. It's something that needs to be found," said Alison. He got up and stormed out of the office. Slamming the door behind him and nearly breaking the door frame. Alison sighed and fought the urge to go after him. He needed his space for the moment and she was going to let him have it. I wish I did have an answer for you, thought Alison. She got up to look out the window and saw Bucky walking across the lawn before sitting down on a bench. She saw Sam approach him and knew this might be good him. Someone else who doesn't have the answer, thought Alison.
…...
Bucky stormed outside and was half away across the field when he realized she hadn't come after him. What the damn hell? Part of him had wanted her to come after him so maybe he could yell at her some more about how she didn't know anything. I want someone to be confused too. The other part had wanted her to come after him because she did have answer and she was going to give to him now. I need to know why? thought Bucky. He sat down on a bench with his head in his hands. I don't know why I'm alive and she won't tell me. Maybe she really doesn't know. She can't know everything. The voice that spoke up was so calm he actually looked around to see if someone had spoken up. He was alone and he put his head back in his hands.
"I just want to know why. I just want to know why," muttered Bucky.
"Can I sit down?" Bucky looked up to see Sam standing there. Bucky shrugged and Sam took a seat.
"You guys taking a break?" asked Sam and Bucky shrugged. "Yeah she can be a pain in the ass sometimes. She means well, but she can be annoying," said Sam. Bucky had to look over to see how serious he was.
"I've known her almost my whole life. I'm entitled to call her an ass," said Sam with a smile.
"I've never heard anyone call a lady an ass before," said Bucky and Sam laughed.
"Ally a lady...clearly she never told you about her Spring Break down in Mexico our first year of college. Surprised they had had tequila left when she done," said Sam. Bucky shrugged and Sam looked at him.
"In all seriousness she does mean well," said Sam.
"She doesn't get it. What it was like to be a war," said Bucky without realizing it and Sam sighed.
"Well she does in some ways and in others she doesn't. No one can really understand unless you're there and live it everyday. She'll try her best though for you," said Sam. Bucky looked down and saw the dog tags and felt something hit him. These were her dad's. She told Steve about her dad. I don't remember it all though. He honestly forgot at times he still had these. He kept meaning to give them back and he would just forget.
"Did he die over there?" asked Bucky and Sam shook his head.
"He came home, but he never really came back. The year before me and my mom moved to New York, Alison was living her dad and grandfather. Her grandfather had to take his students on some school trip and he left for the weekend. Ally's dad dropped her off at school Friday morning and didn't come back to pick her up. She spent the weekend with my aunt and Renee. He just disappeared. They found him in Ohio when she was ten, he died of pneumonia. He was homeless and clearly had a really bad and untreated case of depression and PTSD," said Sam. Bucky started twisting the dog tags.
"We were talking about a battle and she wouldn't tell me why I was still alive," said Bucky. Somehow saying it to Sam made him feel childish and small. Sam had been in the Air Force from what he had told Bucky. He knows what war is like, thought Bucky.
"The million dollar question. If she did have the answer I'm sort of pissed she didn't give to me or know it herself when she went off the rails. No one knows and it's really sucks," said Sam.
"You lost someone too," said Bucky and Sam nodded.
"It was a basic op and there was nothing I could do to save him. If the missile had been six or seven inches to the right we wouldn't be talking right now. I was so mad and confused about it. I had to get out and the hardest moment of my life was walking through the camp to the Red Cross tent where the combat fatigue specialist was to tell him I was done and needed an out before I did something really stupid," said Sam. Bucky looked up at the sky and it was so blue it was a little unreal.
"I just...I don't what I want. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now, She told me I had to find it," said Bucky and Sam sighed.
"Sometimes we never find it. The important thing is to keep trying to find it," said Sam.
"What was your reason?" asked Bucky.
"I think it's this. It's a different sort of war we're in now, but I get help try to keep things normal and safe for people," said Sam.
"And if I never find mine?" asked Bucky.
"You just started looking. Give it time," said Sam. Bucky sighed and looked at Sam.
"I have to go back in there...I might have broken the door to Alison's office," said Bucky.
"At least she wasn't driving," said Sam. Bucky saw the slight look of amusement in his eyes.
"Sorry about that," said Bucky feeling a little embarrassed .
"Steering wheel right out my hands. If I hadn't been driving that move might have been really cool," said Sam. "Come on I'll take you back in," said Sam. They went back inside and found the office door was open and Alison was talking with Tony and another man Bucky hadn't seen before. Tony was sitting in his chair and the man was sitting next to Alison showing her a stack of notes. She was listening very intently and taking her own notes. For some reason he felt this knot in his stomach seeing her so physically close to someone who wasn't Steve or Sam. What the hell is this about? wondered Bucky. The man looked like he had been beaten to a near pulp, but he also seemed very focused on the notes.
"So he would have to be hypnotized. Have you ever done that?" he asked.
"It wasn't a required class," said Alison with a light smile and the man let out a small laugh.
"I'm certified to do it. I was really bored one fall semester," he said.
"He's only been able to do it on himself. He tied it on me once and it didn't work," said Tony.
"That's what he thinks," said the man softly and Alison had to fight back a laugh. Sam knocked on the open door.
"Sorry to break up the nerd meeting," said Sam. Alison looked up and it was hard to read her expression.
"Hiya Tin Man," said Tony. He got up and held out a small box to Bucky. "I got you a present when I was away." Bucky took confused and opened it. The box contained a jumble of letters and numbers in different colors.
"What is it?" asked Bucky.
"Magnets!" Tony took a letter B and it stuck to his left arm.
"Dude really?" asked Sam. The other man hung his head and muttered something Bucky couldn't make out. Alison stood up, went over to Tony has he stuck a U on his left arm and took the box away.
"Knock it off," she said in a tone that spoke to not argue with her.
"But you can stick little notes to his arm now," said Tony and Alison sighed.
"I need to speak with him and Bruce about some private issues," said Alison giving him a look. It was a look that reminded Bucky of his own mother. I wonder if there is a class that teaches women how to give that super annoyed looked so when they become moms that can just toss it out when needed, thought Bucky.
"Fine. I should give Steve is present before I leave. Pepper has been blowing up my phone. Clearly I was missed and she wants to welcome me home like a loving girlfriend in the movies. Have fun with Oz kids," said Tony taking his leave. Alison shook her head and Sam took the box from her.
"These might actually be fun for you," said Sam and he stuck C, K and Y on his arm.
"Please stop that," said Bucky and Sam gave a little smirk.
"I'll leave you all too whatever it is you do," said Sam and he shut the door.
"Are you alright now?" asked Alison and Bucky nodded.
"Sorry I snapped at you," said Bucky. She reached over to take the letters off his arm.
"It's alright. Did you talk to Sam?" asked Alison and he nodded.
"Yeah...I shouldn't snap at you. You're trying," said Bucky. He didn't like what he remember and she was remembering with him. It's in her head now too. I don't like it my head and someone else has it in their head, thought Bucky.
"I'm not mad at you. I know that was really hard for you to go back and talk about. You did it though and it's a step in the right direction," said Alison. Bucky went to speak up when the other man cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry about Tony. He has poor tastes when it comes to gifts," he said coming over to them.
"Bucky this Bruce Banner," said Alison. Bruce offered a hand and Bucky took it with a bit of hesitance.
"Who did that?" asked Bucky nodding his head at the various bruises on Bruce.
"Some locals who wanted my money. Sadly I didn't have any," said Bruce.
"You just let them?" asked Bucky confused and Bruce shrugged.
"I didn't want the attention. Sadly Tony is like a hound dog and once he figured out how to deactivate the Quinn Jet's stealth programming from home he was off trying to find me. Somehow talked me into coming back here and working as a teacher instead of an Avenger," said Bruce.
"When the classes start myself and a few others will be learning under Bruce," explained Alison when she saw Bucky looked a little confused.
"And our first lesson starts now," said Bruce. They all took a seat and Bruce let Alison take the lead. This was her patient after all.
"So we talked last night about trying out the Lullaby and Bruce is going to help me do it. We're going to have to hypnotize you so we can plant a suggestion and a hand signal that you'll remember no matter what is going on. When it happens you'll remember who you really are and stop whatever it is you're doing," said Alison.
"Will it overwrite what Hydra did before? I sort of remember a man and then it gets hazy," said Bucky. Zola was there and standing over him was a tall bald man and he spoke softly to Bucky and he could just feel himself floating away.
"It might take several sessions of hypnosis before we can try to undo the Hydra suggestions. They've been in there awhile, but you have fought back against them which does mean they're not as strong as before," said Alison. "I really wasn't sure the best way to go about undoing that. It seemed more important to get you to a state of normal before trying to open that door," explained Alison and she looked over at Bruce who nodded for her to go on.
She might still be learning but she wasn't stupid or naive about what she was doing. She was trying to undo a huge ball string that had barb wire around it. Trying to figure out what issue to tackle first wasn't a task Bruce envied her having. She simply took the one she could grab first and understood, his broken memories. If we can get those sorted out then everything should fall into place, is what she told him. He asked her if she had considered bring Wanda in to get into his head and she frowned.
"I thought about when they told me what her powers were, but she's gone through enough in her life. To have her dig around in his head might hurt them both," said Alison. He could sort see her point. To rush recovery might actually hurt him in the long run. To have to remember everything all at once is really terrible, thought Bruce. At first when he became the Hulk the memories were scattered and made no sense. After a while it they did come back or he saw footage of what he had done it was like being slapped in the face and all he wanted to do was shut down and forget what happened. Remembering was a special form of Hell.
"If we were to try to hypnotize you it might bring out more memories. I had considered it, but I really wasn't sure it was the best course and I was still learning about it when I sort of got kicked out of school. Based on the Hydra files though you were subjected to some hypnosis before and I wasn't sure how comfortable you would be with it," said Alison.
"I would teach her how do it and if you felt comfortable with it she could add it into the therapy mix," said Bruce. Bruce watched the former assassin sit back and think.
"I'm not sure...I mean the Lullaby thing would be easier than being shocked, but I don't know if I wanna talk when I'm under like that...I need to think about it first," said Bucky.
"I'm going to be here for awhile so take all the time you need. I'll let you two get back to your session," said Bruce and he showed himself out. Teaching wasn't something he had considered, he was a doer. Those who can't do teach, was something that was tossed out without much thought, but he had great respect for teachers. They influenced people into making the world better. I could really help here, thought Bruce. He went to walk down to the labs to see what was happening when he spotted Natasha doing a fighting demo. She always made everything look so damn effortless and she looked so sure of herself in this moment. He envied that too. He walked away and thought about what he had told Alison about how he picked Natasha for the Lullaby.
It had to be someone the Hulk didn't consider a serious threat. I...I mean he didn't consider her a threat. Bruce kept walking and wondered how much of threat the Winter Solider considered Alison to be. Bucky had this look in his eyes when he apologized to her, like he wanted to say something and it was stuck. Did Natasha have that look and I just never noticed it? I think I might have screwed up, but after Betty...I can't risk it.
….
"So he would have to teach you," said Bucky.
"Yeah," said Alison.
"Would he be here if we had sessions while I was under?" asked Bucky.
"Not unless you wanted him here. He's not a shrink, but he's really smart and this might be really helpful in future. I had thought about, but like I said I wasn't sure if I could do it or if it should be done considering your past with it. I really don't want to do anything they did," said Alison. He thought about it. On one hand he would give up control to go under for this Lullaby thing to work. However if was Alison or Steve who held the control they wouldn't misuse it and he knew that more than anything. He had to trust Banner to teach her. I was a subject before for a student and a teacher. A man and woman...I can't see their faces.
"You can take all the time you need to think those over. If you feel up to it we could listen to the tape or we could talk about something else," said Alison.
"Let's play the tape...I am sorry I yelled at you. This is isn't easy is it...for you. It's not easy for you either," said Bucky. What's it like to sit there and listen to me talk about killing and war? To not be mad or walk away no matter what I say or do? thought Bucky.
"I agreed to do this and I knew it wasn't going to be to easy. However if you ever want to talk to anyone else I'll understand," said Alison.
"I asked for you though. We both might as well see this through together," said Bucky. Alison nodded and hit play on the recorder. Till the end of the line, thought Bucky.
There are so many fan drawings of people sticking magnets on Bucky's arm it's a little funny. Somehow I see Tony thinking it was a good gift for Bucky.
I wish they would have explained the Lullaby more-sadly it was just glossed over.
The Battle of Azzano was a great two minute deleted scene from the 1st Captain America movie-once again things that were sadly glossed over.
Love it, hate, it-thoughts are always welcome