Happy Late Thanksgiving *if you're an American reader* Sorry this took a while to get right or last make me sort of happy with how this sets up where things are going. Plus with the holidays coming up I might get wrapped up baking or just wrapped up in wrapping presents. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long.
Plus I was watching the Civil War Trailer on a loop and planning my day off next year to see the movie at least six times opening weekend.
"Can you hand me the flathead screwdriver?" asked Bruce and Bucky gave it to him. Bruce unscrewed the cover so they could have a look inside. It was an old record player that Sam had found at flea market and thought maybe if it could be fixed they could give it to Steve for his birthday next week.
"Everything looks to be rusted or busted," said Bucky studying the inside of the player and Bruce looked amused.
"The rusted parts aren't a problem and we can easily make new parts. I still think we should leave Sam's name off the card since we're doing all the work," said Bruce as he started taking the player apart.
"He's keeping Steve busy or else I would have to keep him busy," said Bucky and he handed Bruce a small set of wire cutters so he remove the bad wires. It was an odd and slow going friendship between Bruce and Bucky, but it looked to be a very promising one. Bucky liked Bruce, he didn't talk very much and he didn't expect Bucky to carry on a conversation unless he wanted too.
It started when Bruce found Bucky watching Natasha teach Alison how to get out of a hold one night. Bruce came up and he watched for a few minutes before suggesting that maybe he could teach Bucky some yoga one night if he wasn't too busy. Natasha looked up and saw them watching and gave a slightly annoyed looked before pulling the blinds shut on the window. Bucky looked as Bruce gave a huge sigh and suggested that now might be a good time to do some yoga. The yoga wasn't so bad and he started looking for Bruce after he did his workout with Steve and if Alison was with Natasha to do yoga. One night after they finished doing yoga in Bruce's room Bucky had noticed a notebook on Bruce's desk that was filled with numbers and doodles of some sort.
"What's all this for?" asked Bucky and Bruce shrugged.
"Possible updates for a program I made called Veronica. It had a test run about two months ago and it has some kinks that could be improved," said Bruce. Bucky studied the figures a little closer and one drawing looked to be an angry stick figure in a cage and a bunch of little light bolts around it.
"The Hulk?" asked Bucky pointing to the drawing and Bruce gave a dry laugh.
"I was never a good art student," said Bruce dismissively.
"It's not a bad likeness. I would have used more green and your lightning bolts need more zig zags," said Bucky and Bruce gave another laugh this one more real sounding.
"Well I was thinking about adding another layer on the cage and increasing the voltage so he couldn't get out," said Bruce. He flipped through the notebook and showed Bucky the rough draft of blueprints. Bucky studied the blueprints and thought about what could be added.
"Maybe instead of increasing the voltage you could just increase the thickness layers in the cage. What type of metal did you use?" asked Bucky and Bruce sort of smiled. He had read that Bucky had worked with Howard on some of the tech the Howling Commandos had used and clearly some part of that person was coming back. He had so much potential and they just misused him, thought Bruce. Let's see what you have up there old man.
So it began, on Saturdays and Sundays if he wasn't with Steve Bucky was with Bruce building things and it felt good to shut his mind off and simply focus on a task. It took his mind off how rough some of the sessions had become lately.
He and Alison were still talking about his time in the war and a little bit about his beginnings with Hydra. When he did have nightmares they were so vivid he couldn't even work up a scream, he just laid there shaking and moaning. Alison would wake up and careful wake him up so he didn't lash out at her. She would sit with him and talk him back to a place where he could go back to sleep. She would sit next to him, run a hand through his hair and tell him he was safe. His left hand caught hers and he could sort of feel how warm she was from sleep. If he wasn't having nightmares about Hydra he was dreaming about Becca. At times they were just boring dream, them at home before he went off to war and just having dinner together. Other dreams almost made him wish for Hydra nightmares. He saw himself coming home and being with her after the war, watching her get married, have children, grandchild. Simply being an old man with her. He would wake up crying and once again Alison was there to talk him through the dreams. Building things also took his mind off where his feelings were going and what if anything he could do about them.
…
Three nights ago
"Bucky, she's alright. She misses you, but in her heart you've been there for all those moments," said Alison after he woke her up. Bucky took a sip of water and wondered when either one of them would get a full night of sleep this month. A few times this month he heard her get up, go out to the patio and she would start crying. A part of him wanted to know why and another part of him was worried she wouldn't tell him why or worse he wouldn't be able to help her the way she helped him. He knew it was her job to help him, but sometimes when they had these small late night moments it didn't feel like she was working. He would stay awake until she came back to bed and went to sleep.
She slept with the patio door open since it was so warm out and you could hear crickets chirping and owls hooting. She looked outside and sort of smiled.
"It's odd being able to hear the crickets. You really can't hear them in the city. When I was kid and the old man would take me to Niagara Falls I actually had trouble sleeping the first few nights because it was so quiet," said Alison. He knew she was trying to take his mind off the dreams and he looked outside to see the stars.
"There was a snowstorm when I was in Basic and you couldn't hear anything for miles but the wind," said Bucky. He liked this sort of quiet compared to the quiet he was used to from his Hydra days. This was peaceful, calm and it made him feel at ease. The silence he been subjected to with Hydra was meant to break and punish him. He remembered being isolated during both of his captures and how it physically hurt to be shut away and not know if you would ever hear another person again.
He reached over and took her hand lightly in his. He liked being alone with her like this. She didn't feel like his nurse right now or as some people called her when they thought no one was listening his babysitter. She felt in some ways like an equal and sometimes he wished he had known her before he became what he was. She wasn't even a thought when you normal, thought Bucky and she looked at him.
"What's going on up there?" asked Alison and Bucky shrugged.
"Just thinking that two weeks ago you promised me guitar lessons and I still don't have said guitar," said Bucky. He had finally worked up the nerve to ask her to teach him how to play and she had looked a little surprised. She told him she would start looking to see if she could find him a guitar.
"You don't rush into buy an instrument. It's an investment," said Alison. "I'll know it when I see it," said Alison with a smirk.
She turned back to look outside and he followed suit. He watched her out of the corner of his eye and fought the urge to just outright stare at her. She was wearing a pair of gray shorts and he could see the scars on her left knee from where she had surgery and he could see a faint scar on her right leg from when she had broken it. Between running, swimming and working out she had very nice legs and he had suddenly wanted to put a hand on her leg. No...too forward. You don't just grab at lady like that, thought Bucky.
He considered her a lady, despite all her protests that she was far from it. She told him she was too mouthy at times, enjoyed her drinks a little too much and her grandfather didn't raise a lady-he raised her and she was no lady. She might not have been a lady in the traditional sense of the word. Then again a lot people wouldn't have considered Carter a lady after seeing her punch a mouthy Hydra prisoner in the face and then kicking him the groin for good measure once. But Carter had a quality about her that made a lady, something you just couldn't put your finger on and Alison was the same way.
"I know it might be asking a lot, but could you check on Becca when you go see your grandfather?" asked Bucky. She looked at him and it was just something about how she looked at him with those dark green eyes that never seemed to run out a patience for him that suddenly had his stomach in knots and he didn't know why.
"I can do that. I'll need my tags back on Sunday morning though. Pop noticed I wasn't wearing them last week and nearly freaked out. He thought I lost them. I'll let you have them back when I come home," said Alison and he looked at her. This felt like home to him because he hadn't had one in so long. Plus Steve was here and Steve had always given him some sense of home. Maybe Sam is like home to her, thought Bucky and he had to know,
"Does this really feel like home to you?" asked Bucky and Alison looked outside.
"When I was little I wanted a house by the ocean. I don't why...it just always seemed really cool. When I moved in with Matt I realized I was never going to get that house by the ocean, but it was alright because I had him and he was home. When he died I realized I wasn't going to have that house by the ocean and I didn't know where home really was anymore. Here I have Sam, I have friends again, a purpose so yeah I feel like this is home...and maybe when I retire I can have my house by the ocean," said Alison and he just shook his head.
"I think I wanted one of those huge brownstones growing up...and a dog. Really a house by the ocean?" asked Bucky.
"I blame the Little Mermaid," said Alison deadpan. I like it when you let me in, thought Bucky.
They went back to bed, but it was hours before Bucky went back to sleep. The last time he felt this way about someone was seventy some years ago and it was what got her killed. Plus Georgina had felt the same way for him. He knew Alison cared about him, but he didn't know how much she cared for him and was too scared to find out if it was on his level.
Beside he wasn't even sure what he was really feeling for her. It had been so long and it was confusing to try to figure out who felt what and why. She had told him he could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge him, but he wasn't sure how to go about telling her these things.
He wanted to tell her that she could trust him, that she could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge her either. That for the first time in decades he had days when he felt normal and maybe someday he could be part of the world again.
That he would wake up and see her asleep and he just wanted to curl up next her in bed and sleep. That sometimes he would see her with David or one of the guys from the Medical staff and he just wanted to snap that she was his. He had never been the jealous type before and sometimes it scared him how possessive his thoughts would turn. She didn't belong to anyone, let alone him. She's her own person and she's allowed to make her own choices. It was the Soldier that hissed in his head that she was his and only his. That it was weakness to deny themselves the thing they wanted. He could hear the Soldier almost pleading in his head to let him have this. It feels...I've never felt this. I'm not supposed to feel and she makes us feel too much and I don't know what it is. She's ours...I need her to be ours. You want her just has much...stop fighting it.
They both wanted her, but how they each wanted was very different and no one was going to get what they wanted. Not as long as Bucky could stay in control and he started doing the breathing techniques Bruce had taught him. If this helped Bruce control the Hulk it could damn well control the Winter Soldier. …
"Did you lose weight?" asked Robert looking up from the game of checkers they were playing and Alison laughed a little.
"Maybe. I told you my coworker and I are on that workout and diet plan," said Alison. That's putting it lightly, thought Alison. It had been going on for almost a month now and Natasha had her working out four days a week for about two hours at a time. Alison had thought she was in decent shape after her time in the hospital. Granted she had stopped running, but she had taken up swimming and started weight lifting more. You can't go deadlifting people without putting in a little time at the gym. Well at least it made picking up senior citizens easier, thought Alison.
However Natasha had her going through almost boot camp like workouts and they were kicking her ass in ways she didn't think was possible. Sam just laughed at her when she came into his room one night with a bit of limp since she fallen on her bad knee. He did get her an ice pack and welcomed her to the team.
"Just think you might be able to hold your own in case I can't save your butt," said Sam teasing. Alison weakly threw the ice pack at Sam and groaned.
The other med staff didn't care about the workouts it was the diet that had them shaking in their sneakers. A lot them were used to working for hours at a time with no breaks at all. So when they did get to eat it was whatever they could eat the fastest. Alison herself was guilty of this habit and it was a hard one to break. When you might only get five to ten minutes to eat or drink it wasn't always the best option. Her choices had been sweet tea or a Coke Zero that she could wash down her cheesy peanut crackers or bagels with Nutella. The nursing home had been a little more relaxed, but the bad eating habits snuck back up.
Natasha showed a small amount of pity and allowed Alison coffee with some creamer, but all other junk food was gone. No more pasta, chocolate, soda, alcohol, fast food, and the list went on about she couldn't have and it was given to the kitchen staff so Alison couldn't cheat. It's like the old studio system and they told the actors and actresses what they could have in the lunchroom, thought Alison. Jenny looked over one night at Alison's grilled chicken with steamed veggies and shook her head.
"I swear when she starts me on this little program I give myself two days before I flip my shit and hold people hostage for Pepsi," said Jenny.
"You'll be too sore to hold a weapon," countered Alison who was so hungry she finished her dinner in under five minutes.
"I don't know Jenny is mean one when denied her caffeine," said David.
"I had to have coffee before going to Starbucks," teased Jenny.
"Oh Starbucks. I miss empty calories," said Alison.
"I'll have them for you love," said Shawn giving her a little pat on the head as she got up to do her workout.
She had been tempted to cheat during her Sundays off the range, but she knew the guilt would just eat at her so she stuck to the program and well it was starting to have some good results. She had been able to fit into a pair of shorts she had forgotten about and some of her other pants were starting to get a little loose. Maybe giving up cookies isn't so bad, thought Alison. Clearly it really was working if her grandfather noticed some weight loss. At least he noticed something, thought Alison.
In the past month he seemed to be slipping a little more each time she called or she saw him. They had tinkered with his meds so the shakes weren't so bad now, but it seemed his memory was getting even worse. When she called this week he had asked twice who she was. Last week he had called her Jill at least four times and asked about her father. She knew what this meant, but how long this would go on before the illness would take everything and she would be left with a shell that had been her grandfather?
It broke her heart and even with all her medical training knowing what was going to happen just made it worse. She was having trouble sleeping and she would get up at night and just cry on the patio. He was the last blood family member she had left and she was trying to wrap her head around that. Her father had been an only child and she had never met her grandmother, she had died when Alison was two. She had been hit by a bike crossing the street. Her mother's family had never really been a part of her mother's life so why would they be a part of Alison's? When she had been a child she blamed herself for their lack of interest. She just wasn't enough of something for them to want her. It took time to realize that their disinterest wasn't a reflection of her; it was a reflection on them
She had e-mailed Louna about all the nagging her brain was doing about this. Louna wrote back that she was already grieving the loss of her grandfather and that fact if had to spelled out for her was a little annoying. Like the oncologist who can't see the tumor on his body. thought Alison. She was the mental health professional who couldn't see she was already in mourning. Oh he was alive physically, but who was he without his memories and ability to voice his thoughts and wants? She was just bracing herself for what was going to happen and not knowing when was the hardest part for someone like Alison who tried to plan everything. Right now though Robert was looking at her puzzled.
"Your mother was too skinny. You aren't sick again are you honey?" asked Robert and Alison took his hand and squeezed.
"I promise you I'm fine. It's just a lot of time in the gym and eating right. I'm not making myself sick I swear," said Alison and his grip got tight on her hand.
"I worry you know. You spend all your time with this job and I know how hard you push yourself and...I…" Robert seemed to lose his train of thought and Alison leaned over and kissed his forehead. She had taken him out for breakfast and for a walk, well she pushed him in his wheelchair through Prospect Park and now he was clearly getting tired.
"I think you need to rest now. Next weekend is the 4th of July and I got us tickets to the Captain America museum exhibit and we're going to see the concert at the high school. You used to teach there and I'm pretty sure you might run into some old students," said Alison. Robert seemed to come back to himself.
"You were always the best student I had," said Robert. Alison kissed his forehead again and helped him into his bed and got him settled.
"I'll call you when I'm in the city next week and on Saturday we'll go to the museum and to the concert. I wrote it on your calendar and I have your dress jacket at the cleaners in case you want to wear it," said Alison. He nodded and she put the game away and watched as he dozed off. Alison left quietly and told the nurse on the floor that he would need to be woken up for dinner and that she would be taking him out again on Saturday. Alison asked if a note could be made in his chart to have someone remind him of that and what it meant on his calendar. The nurse smiled politely at Alison and made the notations on her chart.
Alison thanked her before heading down the hall to Becca's room. At first Alison wondered if the old woman would find it odd or be annoyed by her just dropping in unannounced. However she seemed to genuinely like it when Alison came to see her and it was then Alison remember how starved for visitors some of her patients had been at her old job. Becca's children were due to come and visit next month. They called and Skyped at least twice a week and they took her home for the holidays, but sometimes you just missed regular visitors. So when Alison had started showing up the older woman was more than happy to have Alison sit for an hour or two and just chat. After all any friend of Steve's was a friend of hers. Alison knocked on the door before coming in. Becca looked up from her book and grinned.
"You know I'm going to get used to this if you keep showing up," teased Becca and Alison held up a bottle of rose pink nail polish.
"As requested from our last visit," said Alison coming in and sitting at the table across from her.
"I know we have a girl here who does nails, but I hate the polish selection and sometimes it's a rush job that looks horrible. You don't mind do you?" asked Becca. Alison fished the manicure set out of her purse.
"Not at all," said Alison taking Becca's hand and she started cleaning under her nails carefully.
"So where did I leave off last week?" asked Becca.
"Something about your brother trying to get a date for Steve's seventeenth birthday," said Alison with a hint of a grin and Becca smiled back and went into the tale of how Bucky had tried setting Steve up with a girl who was the daughter of one of the dock workers he knew. However the girl in question was already seeing another boy so Bucky tried to get her sister to go as Steve's date. However it turned out the father asked the older sister when Bucky thought he was going to ask the younger sister. So there Steve was on his seventeenth birthday with a single woman in her mid-thirties. As she talked Alison carefully filed Becca's nails and rubbed off the old too pink polish before applying a new coat of the rose pink polish. While her nails were drying Alison got a brush and carefully brushed and braided Becca's hair. The CNA had pulled it back, but Alison could tell it had been done in hurry and clearly needed redone.
"Oh she was a nice enough gal, but well in our days thirty was the new sixty and Bucky just felt like an idiot the whole night," said Becca
"Wow so Steve must think I'm the old lady huh?" asked Alison and Becca rolled her eyes and it was so much like Bucky it was a little unreal to her.
"He seems to adjusting a little bit to how you girls act nowadays. Is he still holding doors open for you?" asked Becca and Alison laughed.
"My hands were full," said Alison. Well her hands had been full, but it was Bucky that had held a door open for her just a few days ago. "Sometimes it's nice to have a guy hold a door and not be an ass about it," said Alison.
"Bucky always tried to sell Steve on his good points and well I loved my brother, but he had terrible taste in girls. Pretty and shallow and they could never really see Steve's good points. Then again Steve never saw his own good points," said Becca. It was a little odd at times to hear Becca talk about Bucky and who he had been in her eyes. To Steve he had been a godsend, someone who looked out for him no matter what and could always be counted on. To Becca he was a cherished brother that she could look back on and see his good points and well not to perfect points.
"So Bucky liked them pretty?" asked Alison and she started to apply a second coat of polish.
"Sweet baby Jesus. You know those roller coaster signs that say you must be this tall to ride? I think Bucky had a sign that said you must be this stupid for me to date you," said Becca and Alison nearly got the nail polish on Becca's hand while she tried to not laugh.
"Wow. That's not harsh at all," teased Alison.
"The truth is always harsh. I loved him and he was one of the smartest people I ever knew, but when it came to girls he had a thing for the ones who couldn't think," said Becca and Alison finished the second coat and thought about that. He had been...well Bucky still was a good looking man and he clearly hadn't been ready to settle down in his twenties and well who was to say the war wouldn't have changed his taste in women. He might have come home and settled down with someone who wasn't a total idiot, thought Alison. Her phone went off and Alison pulled it out of her bag.
"One second," said Alison and she saw it was Derek from You Spin Me Round. A music shop and record store Alison used all the time to get sheet music and replacement parts for her old drum set.
"Hello," said Alison and she mentally crossed her fingers. She had gone to Derek trying to find Bucky a guitar and she hoped he had finally come through.
"Was the lady looking for an acoustic guitar? I finally got some really nice Fenders and Martins in if you want to come in and look," said Derek and Alison grinned.
"I'll be there before you close. See you soon," said Alison. She ended the call and Becca gave her a little smirk.
"You seem giddy about something," said Becca and Alison turned a little pink.
"I've been trying to find someone an acoustic guitar for weeks now and it looks like I might find it today," said Alison.
"Someone? That's rather vague," teased Becca.
"He's a patient," said Alison and the way Becca raised her eyebrow like Bucky made her wonder how much teasing or prodding she was in for.
"The one you came and got the recording for?" asked Becca and Alison nodded. To Alison's knowledge he still hadn't listened to it, but he did keep looking at the picture section of the book Becca had written.
"Yeah," admitted Alison and Becca nodded.
"He must mean a lot to you since you go through so much trouble for him," said Becca and Alison felt a little twist in her stomach for some reason.
"It's really no trouble at all. He just surprised me by asking for the lessons at all," said Alison. The eyebrow raised again and Alison seriously wondered how high it would go.
"Darling I have nurses here who complain about picking up lunch trays. Not all of them. A lot them do a very good job and are wonderful people. You seem to be going above and beyond the call of duty even for a private nurse," said Becca and Alison felt that twist in the stomach get tighter. She didn't know why, but she felt like she had to explain herself.
"He just….the last few years were really hard on him and he sort lost himself. Watching him find some parts of himself again and making new parts is just an amazing thing to watch. I'm really proud of how he's coming along," admitted Alison. She was proud of him. Yes there were struggles and times when she wondered if what she was doing was working for him. But he kept trying and every little success made her want to jump for joy.
"What happens once he's better?" asked Becca and Alison smiled a little.
"I start with a new patient and the circle goes on," said Alison. She wanted that day for Bucky. That day when he told her he didn't need her so much anymore would be bittersweet in her mind, but at least she had done her job. "Speaking of which I need to go to the store before it closes and head back. I'll pop in for a few minutes next Saturday and we'll see about a longer visit on Sunday," said Alison and she kissed the old woman on her cheek. "Do you want anything?" asked Alison and Becca grinned.
"Next Saturday is the fourth of July and I want a good burger. Not that reheated puck they call a burger. I want real cow," said Becca and Alison nodded.
"I'll see what I can sneak in," said Alison and she hugged the older woman before leaving. Becca shook her head as Alison left. She would never understand why the younger generation was so blind when it came to their own feelings. Alison was a sweet girl and one of the kindest souls Becca had crossed paths with. However there was just something about how she talked about this nameless patient and the look she had in her eyes when she spoke about him that made Becca wonder how alright Alison would be once she had done her job? Silly girl is halfway in love and doesn't even know it, thought Becca,
…...
"So can you hand me those new wires?" asked Bruce and Bucky handed Bruce the wires and watched how they should be attached.
"Now that's done we should be able to start making some of the new parts," said Bruce and Bucky watched as he went over to a computer and started inputting the specs so the parts would print on the 3D printer. Sometimes for Bucky the technology available was overwhelming and amazing. He was sort of disappointed that Howard never figured out the flying car, He might have if you hadn't of killed him, thought Bucky and he quickly shook the thought away.
Still everything else was beyond anything he had dreamed of. Alison had spent one whole day trying to explain her smartphone to him and how they had came to be-how phones became common in every home, answering machines in case you missed a call, cordless phones so you go room to room and talk, caller ID so knew who it was and their numbers, pagers in case you needed to get someone and didn't have a cellphone. Headsets and ear pieces so the phone was right in your ear. Cell phones that flipped open and had a different number pad. Phones where you bought minutes on them each month and finally the smartphones that seemed able to do just about anything.
"So do you know what Tony is going to do for Steve's birthday?" asked Bucky and Bruce took a piece off the printer.
"Well Steve clearly told him no strippers, call girls, illegal drugs, wild animals, or midgets so I'm sure it will be boring in Tony's eyes," said Bruce and Bucky had to process that.
"Wait...wild animals?" asked Bucky.
"Yeah he actually got Barton a hawk for his birthday last year and Barton was not too pleased about it. I think he ended up giving to a petting zoo. Tony means well, but he gets carried away sometimes," said Bruce.
"To think we used to happy when we had extra money for cake. Now he's getting parties with real animals. I understand it's a two day affair," said Bucky. Bruce handed Bucky a part and Bucky put it in the record player.
"Well Friday is more an outing for everyone on staff if I understood it right. Steve's actual birthday on Saturday is a more private affair," said Bruce and Bucky adjusted a part and Bruce could sense something was on his mind and he wasn't sure if he could or would spit it out.
"Sam was teasing Sharon about being his date to the party. Do you have to have a date?" asked Bucky not looking up from the player.
"No," said Bruce and he could see tension leave Bucky's shoulders. "Did you plan on asking anyone?" asked Bruce and Bucky shrugged.
"I figured Alison was already coming to the party so I wouldn't really have to ask. She's going to miss part of Saturday because she promised her grandfather they would do some stuff together," said Bucky and Bruce fought back an urge to sigh. He was smitten with her and Bruce couldn't really blame him. After seventy plus years of not having decent human interaction with anyone he latched on to the first person, well other than Steve who had shown him a speck of kindness. She found me by a dumpster. She looked at me...no one had really looked at me in a long time. that was what Bucky had told him while they had worked on a bike together and he asked how he had met Alison.
Bruce had been watching them and while Alison didn't maintain the normal rigid boundaries most doctors did with their patients he didn't think she would go out of her way to take advantage of Bucky feelings for her own use or hurt him. He knew that Bucky slept in her room most nights due to his night terrors. That troubled him a little bit, but after hearing about how bad they used to be he could sort of understand why it might be easier on him to have her not be more than two seconds away.
Bucky was a little touchy with her sometimes. He saw them walking the track one morning hand in hand and at one point during the conversation he turned and hugged her. She hugged him back and gently eased him away after a minute or two. Bruce knew from her interactions with Franklin earlier this month she had been in a mental hospital and maybe having a someone who was just a little crazy work with someone who was getting over being a lot crazy was a good thing. She knows how to come back, thought Bruce. Still it might not hurt to talk to him this crush. I should talk to Alison too and let her know that she might have to let him down easy, thought Bruce.
"Listen Bucky. I know that you and…" Before he could finish the sentence Natasha came into the lab.
"Hey. Steve and I were getting ready to watch Rear Window. You want to join us?" asked Natasha.
"I guess. Can we finish this up later tonight?" asked Bucky.
"That's fine with me," said Bruce.
"I'll be up in a minute," said Natasha as Bucky went up. Natasha turned and looked at Bruce.
"Just leave them alone," said Natasha when she was sure Bucky was out of earshot.
"They're not us," said Bruce. "They don't have a choice on if they should or shouldn't. They shouldn't. End of story," said Bruce and Natasha rolled her eyes.
"Because you always followed the rules," said Natasha and Bruce took a deep breath.
"She's his nurse and at the end of the day she has to tell him no. No matter what he or she feels," said Bruce. Natasha leaned against the door and looked at him.
"That man hasn't had the idea of love in his life for decades and her...she doesn't see it. The last time she was in love an alien invasion happened and the person she loved died. You don't forget that loss no matter what. You move on, but you don't forget how you felt when you've had that in your life and that no matter comes into your life it won't ever be that again. Just leave them be. You're just going to scare them into being us," said Natasha and she went upstairs. Bruce sighed and he went back to working on the player. He and Natasha had seemed to be getting along, but there was always going to be a thin wall between them now. And it's always going to be there now, thought Bruce. He still might try talking to Alison. She means well and maybe this will help her see it, thought Bruce.
….
The guitar was in the backseat in a plain black case with a package of picks, some replacement strings and with a few pieces of sheet music Alison had picked up for him. It had cost her a little more than she had planned on, but she really couldn't wait to see the look on his face.
"No you hold it like this," said Matt and he adjusted her grip on the neck and it took her a second for her fingers to get used to it.
"You really think I'll be any good at this?" asked Alison.
"You are one the best musician I know so this should be easy for you," said Matt sitting behind her.
"Ok now you hold the pick like this and away we go," said Matt. His hand was over hers and showed her how to pick the right cords and it didn't take long for her to pick up how each string felt different under her fingers.
"I have blisters on me fingers," teased Alison when they were done and Matt shrugged and kissed her hand.
"Art is pain darling," said Matt.
Matt's own guitar had been destroyed when the car flipped over during the invasion and she wondered if she would have given it too Bucky if she still had it. Well of course. Matt's not using it and he would have wanted someone to use it. He liked teaching me and he had been debating teaching violin during the summers if things were slow. He was a good teacher and well she hoped she was too, she had never taught anyone how to play before. She made it back before dinner and took the guitar and sheet music to his room and sat them on his bed. He was either with Bruce or Steve right now so he would be a nice surprise for him. She stashed Steve's present in her closet, it wasn't much but she honestly had no idea what to get him. Honestly what do you get a ninety seven year old super soldier? thought Alison.
She went down to the labs to check on Franklin. After next week she wouldn't see him in person until the new year and she hoped he would be alright once he left. It had been a rough month for him, but he seemed to be getting better.
…..
Four weeks ago
"This is really stupid," said Bucky and Alison raised an eyebrow.
"I'm not the one who came up with this and it's to help you express control. Now please take the other end of this pen," said Alison. He sighed and took the other end of the pen Alison was holding. "Alright. Lead the way." He moved the pen to the right and Alison followed him with her end of the pen and then he just started making circles with the pen and rolling his eyes and she sighed a little.
"This only works if you take it seriously," said Alison.
"It's a little hard to take anything called 'Magic Pen' seriously," said Bucky. They were sitting across from each other trying to do one touch exercises and so far they all seemed really stupid to him and he had been very vocal about how stupid they all seemed. They had started them last week and her plan was to bring a new one in each week.
The week before it a clapping thing where she sat across from him and they did one of those clapping games like she learned in grade school. Miss Mary Mack all dressed in black, thought Alison. This week it was something called 'Magic Pen'. He held one end of a pen and she held the other and he was supposed to the move the pen, tell her how he was going to move it and it and she was to follow.
"I could still get Steve up here and you two could do this," said Alison.
"Steve would agree that this is stupid too," said Bucky and a faint smile crossed her face for second before she became serious again.
"I know they seem really stupid right now, but part of this is about you being in control again. In both exercises you tell the partner what to do and they have to follow. You have complete control on the situation. These are baby steps that build into more intimate exercises It's like building a house. You don't start with the roof, you start with the foundation," said Alison and he was about to say something when there was a knock on the door followed by Jane talking through the door.
"I'm sorry to bother you. Can I come in please?" asked Jane.
"Yes," called Alison. Jane came in looking very nervous.
"Can you please come downstairs and talk to Franklin. He's really starting to stress out and we're a little worried," said Jane. Alison felt her heart sink. She had been trying to keep tabs on him, but clearly he finally having a really bad day.
"I'm going to have call a recess for now. We'll try this again tomorrow. Will you be alright on your own for a little bit?" asked Alison.
"I'll be fine," said Bucky and Alison followed Jane downstairs. Alison found Franklin staring at his white boards and muttering nonstop. She had talked to him about taking his meds again and he promised her he would. Clearly we had different ideas about what taking our meds means, thought Alison. Darcy and Ian were looking at him dumbfounded and Erik was trying to talk to him and Franklin was ignoring him.
"He's just been muttering how the math isn't right and his legacy and…" Alison put a hand on Jane's arm.
"I'll take care of him. Let's just get everyone out of the room for right now alright," said Alison. Jane nodded and she motioned for Darcy, Ian and Erik to leave the room. Darcy and Ian left quickly, but Erik looked worried and hesitant to leave Franklin behind.
"I promise to take care of him," said Alison and Erik shook his head.
"I should have been keeping a better eye on him and making sure he was really okay," said Erik and Alison shook her head.
"He just needs to sort some stuff out and he'll be alright," said Alison. Erik left the room and shut the door behind him. Alison sat down behind him and sighed.
"You promised me that you would take your medication," said Alison and he shook his head.
"I can't think when I'm on them! How can you think on those mind numbing substances?" asked Franklin and Alison shrugged.
"Actually they upset my female vanity more. I have nine pounds I will never lose and I will forever be stuck between a size ten and twelve," said Alison. "Besides you aren't thinking right without them anyhow. You need to take break right now," said Alison.
"I'm fine! I just need to finish this and everything will be alright! Everything will be fine once I finish this and… He shook his head and went back to the board. Alison got up and went over to him. She carefully put her hand on shoulder and looked at him.
"It's not going to bring him back on this Earth," said Alison softly and he looked at her shaking.
"This is my legacy...my life after I'm gone. How I'll be remembered...you were lucky to not lose a child Alison. I know much you loved that boy, but to lose your legacy...that piece of immortality. He had so much potential and he never had a chance to use it all. I have to finish this for him," said Franklin trying not to cry and Alison hugged him. His son Bryan had been a translator for the military and had been killed during an IED attack. The kid had just turned twenty one and was the only family Franklin had left after his wife had divorced him and left when Bryan was six.
"I know you want to do this for him and that he would be really proud of you, but he wouldn't want you hurting yourself either. Remember what Dr. Cardno used to tell us in group?" asked Alison.
"We should think about what we would want for our love ones if we were gone instead. He was always an annoying little man and I hated sessions once you were gone. It was another reason I had to stay longer. I refused to cooperate during sessions," said Franklin and Alison looked at him.
"How in the hell did you get out?" asked Alison.
"If your doctor fails his recertification you can ask to be re-evaluated and well I ran circles around that poor overworked ninny," said Franklin with a hint of pride.
"You always were a sneaky old bastard and I loved you for that. For real though...you need to take care of yourself. You can't hurt yourself this way. I know you still miss him and it's hard," said Alison. Franklin sat down and looked at the board.
"His birthday was two weeks ago and I actually picked up the phone to call him and I got six digits in before it hit me and it's everyday darling. Every day I wake up and for a second I forget and then it just hits like a train. It's been four years and I still think he's going to come home...stupid isn't it?" asked Franklin.
"It's not stupid. It just happens from time to time with people like us. When I got rid of my wedding dress I cried myself to sleep that night. Even though I will never wear that dress again it was like I lost a piece of myself again. It always feel like we're letting something go. I need you to take care of yourself though. It would really suck to lose you when you've come this far," said Alison looking at the board. "Are you close?" asked Alison.
"Getting there...I just can't think when I'm on those meds and I really needed to think," said Franklin.
"You need to take care of yourself first or else you won't finish this at all," said Alison. He looked at her and hugged her tightly.
"I bet your mother was a sweet soul too. So how has it been going with your patient?" asked Franklin.
"We're making progress and he seems to be getting along really well with Dr. Banner. He needs a friend and who else is going to understand him better than a man who deals with his own special set of rage issues," said Alison going over to Franklin's desk and looking for his pills. She found the bottle of Abilify and shook out two pills and found a glass of water. Franklin eyed her and wondered how clueless she really was. She looked down at him and he sighed before taking the two pills and chugging the water. Boy doesn't take his eyes off you for second...seems like a troubled soul, but a kind one. Wouldn't kill you to break a few rules once in a while, thought Franklin.
"He does seem like a very nice men underneath it all. A rather attractive and nice man underneath it all," said Franklin.
"I'm not going to lie he is a very attractive man, however I'm not in position be acting on base impulses even if I had them for him," said Alison and Franklin raised an eyebrow.
"Did the meds shut that off in your head little girl?" asked Franklin and Alison laughed a little as she started straightening up papers
"It's been off for a while now. I don't know if that will ever turn back on again...well I did get a little doe eyed the first time I saw Steve," teased Alison.
"Everyone gets doe eyed the first time they see that man up close. I would question your sanity if you hadn't. Oh sit down and stop fiddling with my papers. I'll take care them later. I am sorry I worried you and well everyone. I just...I felt fine for a while and everything just got bigger and bigger in my head," admitted Franklin.
"That's how it starts," said Alison and he just rolled his eyes.
"Says the girl who studied to be a psych nurse and didn't realize she had an anxiety disorder until she got diagnosed with it," said Franklin and now Alison rolled her eyes.
"I'm pretty sure there are a number of doctors who have red flag symptoms of serious illnesses and don't notice them. Sometimes we just need a good smack in the head," said Alison and he just grinned at her. "What?" asked Alison.
"Nothing. Just debating smacking you in the head until you admit you have some base impulses towards a certain person. It's me and we did go through a rather unusual experience together," said Franklin
"You mean that time we swapped pills in group and I ended up with someone's Klonopin because the medical professional in me realizes that was wrong. The mental patient in me had an amazing day. Seriously you can taste colors on that," said Alison and he just looked at her like a teacher waiting for a student to stop screwing around. Alison took a second to organize her thoughts and even then they were a mix when it came to her and Bucky. If you can be honest with anyone it should be a person you did time and Klonopin with, thought Alison.
"I'm his nurse and yeah I do feel something for him. He had his life stolen from him. Seeing him try to put the pieces back and watching him win the little battles is amazing. He's a really remarkable person under everything they did to him and I'm lucky to get to know him. If things were different and...I know I should have laid down better boundaries from the start, but I didn't. I needed him to trust me and setting up those blocks might have shut him down and now I'm sort of flying by the seat of my pants. Seriously they should have gotten him a real doctor," said Alison.
"He might not be where is if it wasn't for you. You're only human darling and sometimes we just feel things," said Franklin.
"My feelings don't matter and even if I felt those feelings I'm not a place or position to act on them. Besides he doesn't see me in that light," said Alison. She got up to get them some tea and Franklin shook his head. She's still too confused and closed off in that way to see it yet, thought Franklin. It's gonna hit her hard when it does happen.
…
Bucky just looked at the case and he opened it up slowly. It was a guitar that looked a little like the one Alison had, but it was a bit nicer and light in color than hers. There was sheet music on the bed-mostly from the 50's or at least from what she had taught him about music. He just looked at it stunned and it felt like something was stuck in his chest all of a sudden. She kept her promise, thought Bucky. He sat down and took it out its case. He had to be careful with it, he didn't want to crush the neck. He had watched Alison played and knew you had to hold it a certain way. She's right handed so she holds the neck with her left hand and her right hand goes over the sound hole, thought Bucky. He let his fingers pluck randomly at the strings. The last gift you got was in 1944, thought Bucky. He looked up when she knocked on the door frame before leaning a little bit into the room.
"It's spruce," said Alison.
"What?" asked Bucky.
"The wood is spruce. It can be played on little harder than one made out of cedar. It's from a company call Fender. A bunch of people I spoke to online said this was the best model for a beginner start on and at least three people in the shop swore their lives on it. If you don't like it though I can always take it back and get something else," said Alison and he just looked at her and then back to the guitar. Why wouldn't he like it? She got it for him and had clearly bought it with him in mind?
"My mother said it's rude to refuse a gift," said Bucky softly.
"My grandfather said a musician and his instrument had to work together or else it was going to sound terrible," said Alison. Bucky sat the guitar back in the case, went across the room and just hugged her. She stood still for a moment before hugging him back. There was always that slight pause before she hugged him back. I wish you wouldn't think before hugging me back, thought Bucky.
"What's going on up there?" asked Alison slowly easing out of the hug. That was something else he wished she wouldn't do- break away first. His forehead was resting on hers and his eyes were closed. She always did her wash on Sunday and right now she smelled like soap and dryer sheets.
"Sometimes I wonder if this is all a really good dream I'm going to wake up from. Finding Steve...him forgiving me...you...and you…" Why couldn't he spit out what he wanted to say to her? He could tell her how he killed six men sitting on hilltop, but to tell her what she meant to him.
"At least you know you can still have good dreams," said Alison and opened his eyes. She was still watching him and he took a step back. If you are a dream I don't want to wake up. I don't want to spoil it yet.
"Thanks...just thanks," said Bucky and she motioned to the case.
"So do you want to start now?" asked Alison.
"Yeah. Let's start now," said Bucky.
Alison went into her room and got her guitar and for the next few hours she taught him how to hold the guitar and how to place his hands and fingers. During this time Steve had went into Bucky's room to see if he wanted to watch another movie when he heard them talking in the next room. Steve went into Alison's room unnoticed and saw her teaching Bucky. Something about how happy Bucky looked smacked Steve upside the head. Bucky had girls lined up around the block for him, but never had he seen his friend look at a girl the way he looked at Alison. Well he did have a thing for nurses when we were in England, thought Steve
Steve backed out the room just as unnoticed and he could recall his mother telling him that she met his father after she finished sewing up a hand he injured while trying to butcher a cow. He was passed out from the pain, the great big dolt, but when he came to he asked if all angels did such good work. I let him take me to social the following weekend. I was sort of a dolt for him after that. Steve went into his room and pulled out a forgotten sketch pad and some old pencils and started drawing how happy they looked together.