Notes-Thanks for all the reviews, favorites and follows. The next few chapters will be a little more fuffly
This chapter is rated M-mentions of Non con and well…a move is made.
She adjusted the dials on the machine and a metal plate went over his face. The shock that followed was more painful than anything he had ever felt during the previous treatments. Everything went numb and he could hear them talking and the plate was removed from his face. The woman had long black hair and bright gray eyes.
"We look forward to working with you Dr. Loi," said Zola.
"Bucky. Bucky look at me," said Alison and she put her hand over his hand. "She's my doctor. She's been my doctor for the past year or so and…" Bucky cut her off.
"I remember her," spat Bucky and Alison looked up at him worried and then back to the woman who seemed frozen in place. "I'm not lying...she...she…" The rage that came over him made it hard to think. She hurt you, she let others hurt you. You can hurt her now. Bucky shoved Alison away and in three quick strides Bucky had his right hand on the woman's throat.
"Tell her what you did to me!" spat Bucky. He knew those eyes. This woman had worked with Zola and the others. Make her pay for this. He dimly heard Alison telling him to stop and felt her touch his arm. He shoved her away again and turned back the woman who played a part in his hell.
"TELL HER!" screamed Bucky and moments later he could feel someone pulling him away.
"Bucky. Bucky stop it," said Steve. Steve grabbed both of his arms and pulled him away.
"You need to breath," said Bruce. "Listen to me and just breath. " It was hard to think through the rage. Don't protect her. She deserves whatever you can do.
"She's with Hydra...don't trust her," said Bucky.
"Get everyone out now," he heard someone say and a woman told him she would.
"Bucky...please. Look at me," said Alison. His eyes locked on hers and she grabbed his right wrist and tapped it. "Come back. Please," said Alison softly. She looked scared and he had never seen her look scared of him. Well he seen it had once when he attacked her, but after that she had always looked him in the eyes with all the patience in the world. Now just seconds after he kissed her she was scared of him. He felt something in heavy in his chest. That kiss had turned him inside out and she had kissed him back. Some part of her wanted him and he wasn't going to lose her now. He needed her to believe him though.
"Believe me. Please," said Bucky pleading. Alison brushed his hair back and bit her lip.
"How is it possible?" asked Alison and she looked near tears. She looked back at the woman. "This is a misunderstanding. Tell them," said Alison. She opened her mouth, closed it and then looked down at the ground ashamed.
"It was another lifetime. One that I'm not proud of," she said. Steve let Bucky go and Bruce put a hand on his shoulder.
"I didn't think he would recognize me. We haven't see each other since the eighties," she said. Alison looked at her stunned.
"Who are you?" asked Alison.
"Before I became Dr. Jess Louna, I was Dr. Josie Loi and I worked for Hydra," said Louna. Steve looked over at Alison.
"Did you tell her about Bucky?" asked Steve and Bucky saw worry and confusion in Alison's face.
"Before I really settled on taking the job...we talked about Bucky. She was my doctor when I was in the hospital and she's been my doctor since I left," said Alison.
"She didn't tell me anything that would compromise him. Actually I felt it was karma coming back to bite me. The patient I saved helping the patient I failed. You've done a rather good job with him considering he remembers me," said Louna and Alison glared at her.
"Don't," she spat and Louna hung her head.
"You all have every right to be angry with me. I did some horrible things that I'm not proud of. But you're too fair to not let me explain what happened. I left and I tried to help him get away. I deserve whatever punishment is coming my way and I'll give you any information you want about what I know of Hydra. I have files on him that I took with me before I left," said Louna. Alison looked so worried and hurt it broke through his rage. Her arm was scrapped and her palm was bleeding from when he pushed her. She glared at Louna before looking at him and her eyes soften when she looked at him.
"You have files?" asked Alison.
"And then some," said Louna. She reached into her bag, pulled out a ring of keys and handed them to Alison.
"You'll find them in my office. The coffee table has a fake bottom with a safe. Blue key and the combination is forty two to the right, twenty seven to the left, sixteen to the right and three to the left," said Louna. Alison gripped them tightly and she looked at Steve.
"Can I take Sam with me?" asked Alison.
"Take Natasha too," said Steve and Louna shook her head.
"There's no trap, but I understand your distrust," said Louna.
"We're going to turn you over to the UN after you answer some questions," said Steve. Bucky held his temper with both hands. He only did it for Alison who looked so confused it tugged at him. Alison trusted her and she betrayed her, thought Bucky. Alison was shaking as she walked away and Bucky went to follow her when Bruce grabbed his shoulder lightly.
"She needs a moment," said Bruce and Bucky looked at him. Why can you never help her when she needs it? thought Bucky.
…..
After Sophia and Renee sent everyone home and Sharon agreed to take Becca back to the nursing home, they took Louna back to Stark Tower and they conferenced Maria in to watch Steve question her. Tony and Pepper were back in California so the Tower was vacant except for them. Bucky and Bruce watched from an upstairs office. Bucky paced while she talked. He couldn't stand to look at her. Hearing her voice was hard enough.
"I was in my twenties working with patients with mental issues. Lobotomies were still being used for all manner of things. However they were messy and extremely damaging when performed wrong. I thought there was a better way with ETC treatments," started Louna.
"Electric shock treatments," said Steve coldly.
"Yes. I thought there was a way to use it help patients move on from troubling behaviors. I couldn't get the funding for my work. I needed test subjects. I was approached by Zola and at first it was just theories with him. He had done his own work the ETC and well it was fascinating. I know personally he is a horrible man, but he was an amazing scientist. I was young and stupid and far too eager to prove I was right. I was selfish and I simply wanted a subject to work on," said Louna and she did sound upset. Bucky closed his eyes and he could still recall the full body pain he experienced when he was in that damn chair.
"Did they tell you who he was?" spat Steve. "What they were doing to him?"
"Not at first. I hate to admit it, but I didn't care...it was exciting to work with Zola and Fennhoff. They had ideas that could be used for mental illness that no one had thought of or wanted to even look at. I can blame foolishness for getting me in...I can only blame fear and weakness for keeping where I was," said Louna. Bucky heard her take a deep breath before going on.
"After Zola and Fennhoff died I was put in charge of maintaining the Winter Soldier. Making sure he performed properly," said Louna and Bucky wanted to punch something. Oh yes he performed properly on several occasions and there was a stack of bodies to prove it.
"You controlled him. Used him against his will for assassinations. When you were done you stuck him in a damn freezer," yelled Steve.
"Captain," said Hill with just an edge of warning.
"I was in too deep. I...I was put in charge of his care and I tried to stop them from hurting him too much... I told them he could only be out for some long before he started remembering and acting out. They didn't listen and they took him to South America...he was out for almost two weeks. When they brought him back…" Louna trailed off and Bucky could remember parts of one trip to South America.
He didn't really remember the mission so he guessed that meant it went off alright. However the team meant to get him and his handlers out couldn't get to them. Something had gone wrong and they were stuck in the safe house during the two weeks. They kept him chained to the floor and tossed him food and water once in a while. He tried to get out when he had a rare moment of clarity. He got as far as the stairs leading out of the house when they stunned him and re chained back to the floor. He remembered paying dearly for his attempt. They beat me...they raped me, thought Bucky and he couldn't help but shudder at the memories.
"Bucky?" asked Bruce.
"I didn't think I would ever see her again," said Bucky and it was the truth. She had disappeared and there had been a new doctor to take care of him. They became interchangeable for him. They all hurt me though. It was the only constant, thought Bucky shoving his fists in his pockets.
"I didn't know where to go for help. SHIELD was tied to Hydra so I couldn't turn to them. I was also to ashamed to own up to my mistakes. So instead of staying and trying to make sure he got out safely I took the rather drastic course of faking my own death. My car crashed and went into the ocean. No body to recover. Very sad. I gave him a post hypnotic suggestion to not return to base after his next mission. I changed everything about myself. I went back into medicine though. I wanted to make something right," said Louna
"After Alison told you about Bucky, did you anything to her?" asked Steve and Bucky felt kicked in the gut. Was it all a lie? Was she brainwashed to care about me? She kissed me back, thought Bucky.
He had expected her to pull away and be upset, he didn't expect her to wrap her arms around him and kiss him back. It had been so long since someone had made him feel wanted in that way. Well wanted in a good way. They always wanted me for something...I didn't want them, thought Bucky.
"No! I never did anything to manipulate Alison. She genuinely cares about him. Right from the start she cared about him. She's the type of person I wish I could have been," said Louna. Bucky could hear Louna crying and he wished he could feel sorry for her. She had answers though and he was going to have them.
"I want to talk to her," said Bucky and Bruce looked worried.
"I'm not sure that's the best idea," said Bruce.
"I don't care. She used me like I was nothing and I need to know something," said Bucky and he slammed out the room.
…
"I dreamed about him again," said Alison and she felt her face flush a little.
"Do you want to go into details?" asked Louna and Alison shrugged.
"It wasn't anything x rated...we went out for coffee. We talked. You think after talking to him for over forty hours a week we wouldn't have anything to talk about," said Alison with a little nervous laugh. "It's a sad state of affairs when I dream about talking to my patient," said Alison.
"You said this one wasn't X-rated. So I take you've had ones that were?" asked Louna and Alison felt her face go beet red. "You haven't really entertained the idea of sex since Matt's passing so in a way I could say this is a good step for you," said Louna. The color left Alison's face quickly.
"I'm not...I can't go down that road with him. It would be wrong," said Alison.
"On paper yes," said Louna and Alison raised an eyebrow.
"And in the real world too," said Alison.
"I'm not saying you should jump into a sexual relationship with him this very second. Or that it would be the right thing for you right now. However you do spend a lot of time with him on a very personal level and it's only human that you would start to feel something for him. Have you considered the possibility he could feel the same way for you?" asked Louna and Alison shook her.
"He sees me as a friend and that's all," said Alison.
"Are you sure that doesn't hurt?" asked Sam. Alison looked down at her hand and shrugged. She had scrapped it when Bucky had pushed her away. She hadn't seen him that enraged since the first week they spent together. He could have done a lot more than push you, thought Alison and she shoved the thought away quickly. He hadn't been mad at her, but he had been so caught up in his rage she wasn't sure she could have helped him without Steve and Bruce nearby.
"It's fine. I'll fix it later," said Alison. They were waiting for Natasha to finish doing a check of the office. It was a hard thing to wrap her head around right now.
"Hey," said Sam and he made her look at him. "This isn't your fault. It's not like she had it tattooed on her forehead what she did before you knew her," said Sam.
"I trusted her Sam. I talked about you and Matt and...she knows my whole life. I wasn't sure I was right for the job with Bucky and the Avengers and she gave me that last little push I needed to take it. Did she do because she really thought I could help him or so she had someone with the Avengers?" asked Alison.
"I know this can't be easy on you. You trusted her and you were in a really bad place when she came into your life. She helped you and I think she's really sorry about what came before. Maybe that's why she gave you that push to help him. She knew you would be good for it," said Sam.
Alison wondered how good she was really for Bucky right now considering what had happened less than an hour ago. He wanted to kiss you and you wanted to kiss him too, thought Alison and she kicked herself. How could she have been so unbelievable blind to his feelings? Because it would have meant admitting how far you have fallen for him, thought Alison. Natasha opened the office door to let them in.
"It looks clear. I didn't see anything to suggest recent contact with Hydra," said Natasha. "We'll have to check her home just in case," said Natasha. Alison went over to the coffee table and opened the little door in the front where some books were stored. After taking the books out she felt around for a way to get the bottom up.
"Here," said Natasha and she helped Alison pry the bottom up. Alison dialed in the combination and unlocked the safe. There were stacks of files and Alison carefully pulled them out. She would have to check to see if these were the notes missing from when she first read the Winter Solider file. There was a plastic bag and when Alison got it into the light she nearly gasped. It was Bucky's jacket from his Howling Commando days. Another bag in the safe held his dog tags. I used to have these...they took mine. Now he could have his back, thought Alison. To think she has sat here and the whole time his things were here.
"I don't understand why she took these," said Alison holding the bag with the dog tags.
"Maybe she knew someday she could give them back," said Natasha. Alison just stared at them dumbfounded. Natasha gave Sam a look and he stepped outside. Clearly some girl talk was needed.
"When I left the KGB and joined SHIELD it felt like a weight was lifted a little bit. I was finally going to use what I was for good. I did do some good, but some of what I did I have to question if it was SHIELD or Hydra," said Natasha. "I'm a trained spy and assassin and even I didn't know I was being used by the people I thought I was helping. Don't blame yourself for not knowing who she was," said Natasha and Alison sighed.
"Come on. You need to clean that up," said Natasha eyeing Alison's hand. They went into the small bathroom and Natasha pulled out a first aid kit. Alison washed her hands before Natasha applied antiseptic to the scraps and helped Alison wrap it up.
"So you and Bucky were out there for a while," said Natasha causally and she noticed that Alison had paled a little bit. "Don't blame yourself for whatever you're feeling...sometimes those are the hardest thing to figure out," said Natasha. Before Alison could say anything Natasha left the bathroom.
…
Bucky walked into the room and Steve looked up at him alarmed.
"You shouldn't be in here," said Steve and Bucky looked at Louan who seemed so small and weak it almost made Bucky feel like a bully. She let them use you like you were nothing. Don't feel sorry for her, thought Bucky.
"I have the right to know somethings. I won't do anything to hurt her. I promise. But I want some answers from her. I want to speak to her alone. No cameras," said Bucky and he was stunned about how calm he sounded. Steve looked at Maria on the screen and then back to Bucky.
"I think we've heard enough. We'll keep this recording for ourselves for now," said Hill. "It might not be the best idea to let everyone know we have a former Hydra assassin under our roof. I'll get on the horn with the UN though," said Hill before she logged off.
"Are you sure you want to do this alone?" asked Steve glaring at Louan.
"She can't hurt me anymore," said Bucky keeping his hands in his pockets. You could kill her in under ten seconds. Don't...she knows things...think about Alison, thought Bucky. Steve nodded and stood up.
"I'll be outside," said Steve. He unplugged the wall camera and he left the room. Bucky sat down in the chair Steve had been in and looked at her. She had aged a great deal, her long black hair was now streaked with gray and her eyes seemed dull.
"How does it feel?" asked Bucky and Louan kept her head down. "How does it feel to be so damn powerless? To know you don't control your life anymore?" asked Bucky.
"It's terrifying," whispered Louan and Bucky nodded.
"I could never find the word to describe what it was like during those little moments of clarity. I would remember bits...hazy little bits from before and I knew I wasn't going to have them for long because I wasn't supposed to. I think terrifying might be a good fit for what I felt during those moments. You used me...they all did in some way," muttered Bucky.
"If I could take it back…" started Louan.
"YOU CAN'T TAKE ANY OF IT BACK!" snapped Bucky. He got up and he punched the wall with left fist. "I don't get to go back and be who I used to be. Not all the way. You're part of the reason I don't get to go back. I have nightmares where I see you...playing with the dials on the machine...telling me how I should behave. That I would be rewarded if I did what I was told. That trip to the fridge was a great reward," said Bucky and he made himself sit back down.
"I know I can't take any of it back...but I would if I could. I could have found a better way to get you out. To bring it all down, but I was scared and weak. It's a poor excuse, but it's the only one I have," said Louan. Bucky looked at the wall and gathered his thoughts.
"You really didn't do anything to Alison?" asked Bucky and Louan shook her head.
"No. Everything she's done for you has been her own choice. She was scared at first. Scared of what failing you would mean. She's…," Louan broke off and looked down.
"No! You tell me what she told you. You owe me that much," said Bucky.
"I do owe you a great deal. I just...I see a lot myself in her," said Louan.
"Don't you dare compare yourself to her! She wouldn't have done a fraction of the things you've done," said Bucky and he had ball his hands up in his pockets to keep them off her.
"No. Alison wouldn't have done what I did. I wanted to help people once and I thought I could. She's actually helped you. You could have killed me twenty different ways and the fact you haven't shows she's helped you with control," said Louan.
"Don't think I haven't considered it," said Bucky.
"You won't because it would hurt Alison," said Louan.
"You stay out of my head," snapped Bucky.
"I'm sorry…" Louan took a deep breath before going on. "Alison was worried that she wouldn't be able to help you. That you would spend your life in a room, drugged out of your mind if she couldn't reach you. Considering she spent some time in a room, drugged out of her mind she couldn't stand to see it happen to someone else," said Louan.
"She did agree though," said Bucky.
"She was halfway through the door. I just pushed her through it a little. I told her that you needed a friend more than anything. That it might help you more if she was friend. You two have really helped each other by being more friends than patient and nurse," said Louan.
"I haven't help her," muttered Bucky and Louan sighed.
"She cares a great deal about you. After Matt died, she didn't think she could care that way about someone again...she cares about you that way," said Louan and Bucky felt his whole body tense and he gripped the table with both hands. He was grabbing it so hard he could feel it cracking under his metal hand.
"Don't you lie to me. Don't play games with me," hissed Bucky.
"I owe you and I don't think she'll ever forgive me for what I did to you so I might as well tell you the truth. She's in love with you," said Louan. Bucky felt his heart slam into his ribs and it felt like he couldn't breathe. The thing he had only hoped for was true and he didn't know what do now. Bucky left the room and slammed the door behind him and was halfway down the hall before he was aware Steve was next to him.
"Bucky. What did she say to you?" asked Steve. Bucky didn't answer and Steve grabbed his arm and stopped him. "Bucky. Please talk to me," said Steve and Bucky let out a bitter laugh.
"She's still screwing me. I let her into my head and she knew which button to push...she's just lying to screw with me...it's can't be true...it's good to be true and I don't deserve anything good. Not after everything I've done...I can't make it make sense though," said Bucky and he just wanted to scream. She loves you. She kissed you back and now what? She wouldn't have kissed you back unless she felt something. No...she tricked Alison into it somehow, thought Bucky.
"What's not true?" asked Steve calmly.
"She had to have done something to Alison. It's the only thing that makes sense," muttered Bucky.
"I don't think she did anything to Alison. Is that button she pushed?" asked Steve. "What did she tell you?" asked Steve.
"You've known me your whole life so it makes sense why you care. Why does she care about me though? Why would she love me Steve unless someone scrambled her brain?" asked Bucky and Steve looked shocked.
"She told you Alison loved you?' asked Steve and Bucky looked ready to run.
"It doesn't make sense," said Bucky and sounded so confused it tore at Steve. "I kissed her and she didn't push me away. I just wanted to do it once and I really didn't think she would kiss me back. I thought it make sense once I knew how she felt. It doesn't sense though," said Bucky.
"Being in love doesn't ever make sense. I know that sounds stupid, but it's just how it is. If it made sense we wouldn't screw it up so much. I think she loves you Bucky, because she knows you. She knows all of you and you do deserve to have someone love you. We're still working out how to tell people you're alive, but when the story comes out about what happened to you...no one is going to blame you for you did. It wasn't your fault. You deserve something good in your life and maybe it's her. It's not going to be easy and I'll do my best to make sure no one goes after her for being with you. But if you two want to be together, than you should be together," said Steve.
"I'm scared," said Bucky. He was terrified about being in love. She was his weakness and if Hydra ever found him they would use her to hurt him. What if he lost control? All the what if's were slamming into his head when Steve grabbed his shoulders.
"I was so in love with Peggy that I was too scared to take a chance. Take a chance Bucky. You'll hate yourself if you don't," said Steve.
"I already have days when I hate myself," said Bucky.
"Don't make it worse," said Steve and Bucky almost smiled.
"I'm going to get her in trouble," said Bucky.
"I'll take it care of it. Just don't go telling everybody right now," said Steve. Bucky sighed when Steve's phone went off.
"They're waiting upstairs," said Steve. Bucky felt a mild sense of panic and he took a deep breath trying to calm down. Just breath, thought Bucky. They headed up and Sam was with Natasha, but no Alison.
"Where is she?" asked Bucky trying to stay calm.
"She asked us if we could drop her off back at the bar so she could get her car. Natasha told her to go back to the apartment and get some rest. That any debriefing could wait until after she got back from Niagara," said Sam.
"Alison said she would go over the files later, but she wanted you to have these now," said Natasha and she handed two bags to Bucky. Buck tore open the large bag and pulled his jacket out. The wool looked a little moth eaten and the left sleeve was torn off and he could see the blood on the frayed part. The jacket was thicker than the basic one that came with his uniform and it felt a little heavier too. Howard said it had some armor in it, not bulletproof. It was enough to stop knife or bayonet attacks.
"I think this might have been the warmest coat I ever owned," said Bucky and Steve gave him a sad little smile. The other bag held his dog tags. Somehow they still looked shiny and Bucky put them on and felt them clink against Alison's tags. She wouldn't give these to just anybody, thought Bucky.
"You alright?" asked Sam.
"Maybe. I just need some air," said Bucky. He put the jacket back in the bag before leaving the room. He was halfway way down the stairs when Natasha caught up to him and put two key rings in his hand.
"You might need to let yourself into the apartment. That's the little key. The other one might get you to Brooklyn faster. It's in the garage. Black Kia Soul. Sam won't notice his keys missing for a while. Good luck," said Natasha. Bucky watched her go back up and he gripped the keys in his hand. I need all the luck I can get, thought Bucky.
…..
Alison changed out of the leggings and sweater dress into a pair of jeans and old NYU hoodie. Natasha had told her to get some rest, but Alison was too wired to go to sleep. She sat down with the stack of unopened sympathy cards and a notebook to write down who sent each card.
She opened one and her brain just couldn't put together what she had meant to do with them. Think stupid. Think...cards...the cards have donations and you need to see about getting them to the charity...he wanted any donations to go to the music program where he used to teach. You have to write thank you notes for the donations and for the flowers you got. The funeral home was paid in full. I should see if I owe the nursing home anything...the hospital. I'm sure I owe them something. That will come out of the life insurance and I'm going to have to budget what's left because you're going to lose your job for kissing your patient.
"What the hell is wrong with me," muttered Alison. She sat the cards aside and simply curled up on the sofa. She couldn't think straight and everything was just bouncing in her head. She took a deep breath and tried to think. She had allowed her romantic feelings to override her better judgement. She had no right to kiss him or to allow him make that move on her. It was her own damn fault for letting herself get so close to him. Was it all wrong though, wondered Alison. He needed help in the worst possible way and he had made huge improvements over the last five months considering where he had been.
She had been so stupid though to not see where it was heading. Then again neither one of them had entertained the idea of a relationship in years so she wondered if feeling this way had been another reason he had started being distant with her. He was jealous and you hurt him by not seeing it. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid, thought Alison bitterly.
She would have to tell Steve what had happened. She had crossed a line and she couldn't treat him anymore. If he decided to let her stay on to treat Wanda or start classes was another matter. He was protective of Bucky and she had in a very stupid and careless way hurt him. She had screwed up again. What was she going to tell Sam. Hey sorry I screwed up the really awesome job you helped me get. I didn't keep myself in check and I let my patient make a pass at me that I returned.
"I didn't mean to hurt him," muttered Alison to herself. Well you did and you can't take it back. You've hurt him just like everyone else has, hissed some hateful little voice in her head. She was going to disappoint everyone who was left in her life and she hurt someone who trusted her completely after years of not trusting anyone.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," said Alison and she could feel the pressure in her chest and the tightening in her head. She hadn't had a panic attack in months and she could feel this one going to be bad. She grabbed a pillow and buried her face in it. She curled up even tighter on the sofa and tried to think through the panic and she couldn't think.
There was a knock on the door and she wanted to scream. Not now. Please not now...I can't handle anyone right now, thought Alison. There was another knock and she bit back a sob.
"Not now. Okay. Just not now," called Alison. It was pointless if it was Renee, Sarah, or Sam since they had keys. Sure enough she heard the keys in the lock and she couldn't pull herself together so they wouldn't see her like this.
"Alison," said a voice and the panic just got worse as Bucky sat down and touched her head.
…..
"Not now. Okay. Just not now!" She sounded so worried and hurt that Bucky wondered if he should go in. Coward. Stop walking away when she needs help, thought Bucky. He unlocked the door and there was Alison on the sofa, knees pulled up to her chest and her face buried in a small pillow. Jesus, thought Bucky. He shut the door and sat down on the sofa.
"Alison," said Bucky and he reached out and stroked her head the way she had with him when he woke up from a nightmare. "Alison. You can't breathe like that," said Bucky and he eased the pillow away from her face.
"I'm so sorry," whispered Alison. Bucky's hand stilled on her head, before he started stroking it again. He was going to have to talk her through this and he wasn't sure if he could, but he had to try.
"Why are you sorry?" asked Bucky. She didn't answer, but he had feeling he knew.
"You didn't do anything wrong...I started it after all. I just...I know I shouldn't have. Natasha told me that it would be wrong if we did anything. That people would think you were hurting me. It didn't hurt me...it made me happy. It was like I was normal again," said Bucky. Alison sat up and looked at him confused.
"When did she say that?" asked Alison.
"July. Part of me wanted to tell you then. Another part told me to keep my mouth shut because I'm not good enough for you," said Bucky. Alison put her face in her hands and he could tell she was trying not to cry. God how does she find the words to talk me down all the time, thought Bucky. Alison took some deep breaths and looked at him.
"I'm sorry I didn't see what was going on. If I had I would have stepped aside and tried to find someone better suited for you," said Alison.
"I don't want anyone else," said Bucky and Alison shook her head. She got up and she started pacing. God is this what I was like during those first sessions? She looked so worried it pulled at him.
"Bucky...James...we can't. What happened shouldn't have happened and it's my fault for letting it happen. I'm going to tell Steve what happened and…"
"I told Steve already," said Bucky. The color left her face and she went still. "He knew how I felt than too," said Bucky getting off the sofa and going over to Alison. "He told me to take a chance or else I was going to hate myself," said Bucky. He gripped her arms in his hands carefully and she looked up at him so wide eyed it reminded him of a deer in headlights.
"You told her that you were in love with me. I really don't know why you love me. I love you though. I love how you look at me like I'm a person. It's almost too much sometimes. I feel too much for you and it's terrifying and it makes me happy and sad and I don't know what else I feel. I like it thought," said Bucky and the deer in headlights look was still on Alison's face.
"She told you?" asked Alison and her voice was barely above a whisper.
"Was she lying?" asked Bucky and his grip got a little tighter on her arms.
"My feelings don't matter because we can't do this," said Alison and she went to pull away and he wouldn't go. "James. Let go," said Alison.
"No. I'm not letting go and stop calling me James. It's not going to change this," said Bucky and he had to remind himself to stay calm with her or else it was going to end badly for both of them. She's scared, don't make it worse, thought Bucky and he eased his grip a little before he let go.
"I don't care what people might say when they find out. I know the truth. You didn't trick me or hurt me into what I feel for you. I've had plenty of people hurt and trick me into doing what they wanted me to do. Not you," said Bucky.
He could see her thinking and it was in her eyes, the confusion mixed with longing
"Aren't you tired of thinking?" asked Bucky. Alison closed her eyes and nodded. Bucky bent down and kissed her forehead. He could feel her whole body tense and relax in a split second. He wasn't thinking when his right hand settled on her waist and he pulled her close to him.
"Then stop thinking," said Bucky. He kisses her before she has another second to think. There is a second of hesitation before she's kissing him back. Bucky can feel her hands around his neck and her whole body is pressed against his. Bucky moves his right hand to her lower back so she's pressed against him more.
"What are we doing," muttered Alison pulling away for a second before kissing him lightly on the lips.
"Wasting time," said Bucky. He starts kissing her again and before she can second guess herself he's pulling her over to the sofa and onto him. She straddling his lap and Bucky can't help but moan into her mouth. "I want you all over me," said Bucky and his right hand settles on her back. Alison takes his left hand and places it on her side and he breaks the kiss.
"I don't know if I should...if I lose control," said Bucky and Alison presses it into her side.
"I really don't think either one of us is really the best judge of being in control right now. I trust you and that's a part of you. Maybe we should slow down?" suggested Alison.
"No," said Bucky and he moves his right hand over to her side and he can't help but move under her so she can feel what she was doing to him. "I don't want to slow down. I want," what he wants is lost as Alison kisses him lightly and looks at him and it's that patience look.
"We haven't done anything like this in a long time and I don't want to rush you. I don't want to trigger something bad for you or well disappoint you," said Alison and Bucky raises an eyebrow.
"How do you know I'm going to disappoint you here?" asked Bucky and Alison shakes her head.
"Just tell me if you want stop or you don't like something," said Alison. Bucky grabs her hips and just moves against her.
"I just want you. Please?"
Alison starts kissing him again and moving her own body against his. It slow at first, trying to find the right rhythm and pace between them. Bucky moves his hands under her sweater and she starts moaning into his mouth when his hands finds her breasts and he starts touching them. More.. I need more, thought Bucky. He skims the hem of her sweater before pulling the sweater over her head. He stops kissing her mouth so he can kiss any part of her he can. She's moaning and arching her body she he can take more of her and it's all Bucky can do to not take her right now. Don't rush. It's good like this. He's kissing her breasts through the fabric of her bra when Alison takes her bra off and she looks embarrassed a second later.
"We're going too fast," mutters Alison and she goes to pick the bra up and he stops her.
"You are so damn pretty," said Bucky. His right hand cups a breast while he kisses and sucks the other one.
"Bucky," it's pleading and he responds by switching which breast he cups and which he kisses. He's barely aware of her hands fighting with the buttons on his shirt until he feels her hands on her chest. He pulls away to pull off his shirt and undershirt and pulls her back so their chests are pressing against each other. Alison pulls away to study his body and a small smirk graces her mouth
He didn't always look this way and Bucky knows that. He had always been fit from sports and hours on the dock. However the serum and intense training had changed him immensely. It's a passing thought as Alison runs her hands over his chest. Feeling his body, her hands were so warm on his skin and she kissing a path down from his neck, down his torso until she has to slide off his lap and she kneeling in front of him.
"Should I stop?" asked Alison her hands resting on his belt buckle.
"No," panted Bucky and she unbuckled his belt and undid his pants before slowly reaching out to touch his member. Her touch was soft, warm and she started stroking him slowly. It was different when someone who loved you was touching you. He had nearly forgotten after..
He had failed in his mission in killing the level six targets and the team had lost them. The lead man-Rumlow came into the room after his wiping and slapped him.
"Get on your knees," ordered the man and the Soldier obeyed , he failed and whatever was going to happen was going to happen. The team leader grabbed the Soldier roughly by the hair and smirked.
"I wish he could see you now. That he could know what a little bitch you are," laughed Rumlow. He was made to take Rumlow and Rumlow stroked him and…
"Oh my god Bucky. Bucky. I'm so sorry," said Alison. Bucky felt himself coming back and realized he had been crying. Alison had pulled her sweater back on and was sitting next to him. Not touching him, but still close by. Her eyes filled with worry for him.
"What happened?" asked Bucky and Alison shook her head.
"I rushed things...I started touching you and you had a flashback. I'm so damn sorry. Are you alright now?" asked Alison and Bucky nodded slowly.
"I'm so stupid," muttered Bucky. He redid his pants and started trying to button his shirt with shaking hands when Alison took his right hand.
"You aren't stupid. I love you and well we both lost control for a moment or two. We'll go slower next time...I mean if you want try again. If you don't that's fine too. And," Bucky cut her off.
"Why do you love me? You can't touch me without risk of me freaking out. You aren't safe with me," said Bucky.
"I love you because you are so damn brave and smart and kind. You have every reason to distrust everyone and never open up again and the fact that you try everyday...god I wish I had a fraction of your courage. I've seen how kind you are. They didn't take all of you away and I guess I fell in love watching you find who you are," said Alison. She moved a little closer and this time she kissed his forehead. You're safe with her. Always will be .
"I'm not sure where we go from here. It's up to you. I want you to be happy and I don't want you feel pressure if we decided to tiptoe around everyone," said Alison. "I'm not going to lie, I am scared but not about you. You're right about what people are going to say. That I tricked you or I put my feelings ahead of yours. And I did in some respect, but I never would hurt you on purpose," said Alison.
"I want to be with you. We'll work out the rest later," said Bucky. He pulled off the two sets of dog tags and took one of his tags off. "If you had been my girl back then I would have given you one of these," said Bucky and he pressed the tag into her hand. Alison smiled and she looked a little glassy eyed.
"So I guess this means I'm your girl Sergeant Barnes?" asked Alison.
"You up for the task?" asked Bucky and she just shook her head and added the tag to her chain. She slide off one of her father's tags and pressed it into his hand.
"I try my best for you," said Alison. He added her father's tag to his chain and she hugged him. "I think I…" Alison yawned loudly and Bucky eyed her.
"You slept when?" asked Bucky and she ducked her head.
"It's been awhile. I was supposed to be sleeping when you came over," said Alison.
"I should go and let you get some sleep," said Bucky.
"No. I. I don't want to be alone right now," said Alison. "I know it sounds needy and clingy, but could you stay until I fall asleep. Bucky locked the door and took his shoes off. So many nights she had stayed with him until he was ready for sleep, now it was his turn to be there for her. Bucky laid on the sofa and Alison curled up in the space next to him. He wrapped his left arm around her and she used his right arm for a pillow. He didn't leave when she fell asleep. He pulled his girl close and fell asleep with her.
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