Steve watched as Bucky paced across the floor and decided to wait a moment to see if Bucky was going to do anything other than pace.
"This is a bad idea. Alison isn't a soldier and I don't...can't anyone else come with us?" asked Bucky pausing in his pacing to look at Steve. Steve had to take a deep breath before speaking. This was a mission and you put the best team you had together to finish it. It was hard though since this was his best friend who was asking for a change in the plan.
"If I thought anyone else was ready to go in with us I would have picked them. Other than David and Alison no one has really been trained. The rest of the medical staff just started working on defense training. David used to be a SHIELD field medic and Alison has been working with Natasha for a few months now. If I didn't think she was up for the task I wouldn't have asked her. Plus she knows your triggers and how to get you sort of back in case something happens. Bucky, I wouldn't have asked her to come if I didn't think she could handle herself," said Steve.
Bucky sat down in a chair and dug his metal fingers into his leg to ground himself. They had a list of Hydra bases that Loi had given them. Steve crossed a few off since they had been taken care of when they had been looking for Loki's Scepter. The one they were planning to hit in three days was just outside of Anchorage Alaska. Steve had picked the team and Bucky was surprised when Steve had asked him to come. However his surprise turned to all out panic when Steve told him Alison was on the team.
"Have you told her yet?" asked Bucky.
"I was going to do once she finished her class for the day," said Steve. "It was a tough call, but we might need her and David just in case. Plus if there are files there she'll know what to look for so we can get in and out quickly. I didn't make this call lightly. I know what you have with her is still new and how much it matters to you," said Steve.
It had been about two weeks since he and Alison had made things somewhat official. A lot people still didn't know and those who did know seemed to understand what was going on between them. Well they guessed what was going on at any rate.
"It matters a lot," said Bucky softly and Steve sighed internally. It would be easy to tell him that he would take Alison off the team and not to worry. But what if he wanted her for another mission down the line? Natasha felt Alison would be able to handle herself if she really needed to and David felt Alison would be good under pressure if they needed a medic. The other med staff wasn't ready yet. Other than David none of them had really served in combat zone and they were still very green with Natasha. If she's good enough for Natasha than she's good enough for this, thought Steve.
"I picked you both to go with me, Natasha, Barton and David because it's a good team for what needs to be done. I just want to get in and get out. We'll do a quick scouting mission to make sure no one is home and then we'll go in and see what if anything is still there. Loi's intel is over twenty years old, but there might be something there. I picked you since you might remember things about the base. Plus I thought you might be a little bored since Alison and Bruce are tied up all day. You were one of the best strategists I've ever known. I'm hoping he's still in there," said Steve and Bucky rolled his eyes.
"Is it that obvious?" asked Bucky.
He was bored and he felt useless when everyone around him was doing something. If Alison wasn't in class or doing homework, she was working with Wanda or training with Natasha. They had a few hours in the evening and weekends when they could be together. She started teaching him guitar again or they watched movies together. Things had gotten physical a few times, but nothing serious. He had talked a rather good game about wanting to touch her, but he froze when he got the chance. Bucky trusted her with his person; he didn't trust himself with hers. He could hurt her by accident if he lost control and he wasn't sure if he could handle it if he hurt her. Alison didn't push him and they ended up sleeping in her room at night. He had only two nightmares the past two weeks and Alison had been right there to talk him through them. He hadn't screamed himself awake which was a plus since it would mean people seeing them in the same bed and assuming everything.
"A bit," said Steve with a small grin. "Actually I was wondering...if you felt up to it. Maybe you could help me run the cadets through some training," said Steve and Bucky's eyes got wide.
"What kind of training?" asked Bucky.
"Some weapons. Maybe some hand to hand stuff if you feel up to it. I know you haven't touched a gun since you've been here, but I think you still might be a good shot," said Steve.
"I actually have a gun stashed in room," said Bucky and now Steve's eyes got wide.
"How they hell did you do that? Nothing is missing from the Armory," said Steve
"My pack had a hidden pocket and no one checked. I should have told you sooner, but I just needed it close by. Old habits," said Bucky. Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. It was his own fault for not thinking to search Bucky's pack that had been on him when he came in. Other things had taken priority at the time.
"Please tell me you don't have any other weapons in there?" asked Steve.
"I might have knife or three," said Bucky and fought the urge to grin at Steve's shock.
"I need to see this pack and I would like to work with you again. We were a good team," said Steve. Bucky thought back to how it had been for them even before the war. If Steve got sick, Bucky would try to fill in for him at work. If Bucky couldn't walk Becca home, it was Steve who made sure she got home alright. They had always been a team in some way and it would be nice to have that again. Maybe the worst is over for you now and you can really start over, thought Bucky.
…...
The first class of the Avenger's School of Medicine...well at least that's what they called it had fourteen students. Eight in advanced nursing and five for MD's. School started with a two hour PE class with Coach Romanoff. Some of it was stuff Alison had already learned earlier from Natasha, but it was nice to have the refresher. Jenny and Alison always seemed to be partners in training and Jenny had sworn more than once she was going to report Natasha to the INS just because. Jenny could swear up and down she hated PE, but she did smirk a little to see a few of the guys get tossed around by the Black Widow.
There was a group nursing class for a few hours and then broke off into private studies. Tony, Pepper, Bruce, David and Cho had set up online classes for each of them in the field they planned to specialize in. Alison was the only Psychiatric nurse in the program.. They had a few Surgical nurses, they had two Flight nurses, a Radiology nurse and one for Rehabilitation. All around they were a mix bag field wise. Some of them had been in a training program with SHIELD before it collapsed. Jenny had told Alison that she and Shawn along with two of the guys in the MD program had been at SHIELD Academy during the Hydra assault. Most the people in the program were under twenty five and just starting out. In fact Alison and Adair were the two oldest in the program. Adair had bounced all over the place working in any hospital or clinic that was hiring, but earned her place here by helping Natasha and Clint out of a jam way back in the day. Something about a backpacking trip in Budapest was all Adair would say.
David had called Alison into his office after the group class had ended and Alison fought back panic. Other than Steve and Sam...well she was sure Bruce and Natasha knew by now, she and Bucky had kept things to themselves. He knows and now I'm going to hear it, thought Alison. She sat down in David's office and he grinned.
"So I have some good news," said David and Alison felt a knot undo in her stomach. "I talked to Cho and she agreed the time you've spent working with Barnes and Wanda should count towards your clinical hours and well hell you've spent months with Barnes so I wouldn't be surprised if you have at least a few hundred banked. You only need two thousand hours right?" teased David and Alison laughed.
"Well if I could get Tony and Pepper in my office I think I could meet my quota...well I think just Tony alone would do it," said Alison with a grin.
"We're also going to count the time you spend with them now. So if you want to start logging those hours too we'll count them," said David and Alison felt that little knot come back. She saw Wanda once or twice a week, but she really didn't think she could log her hours with Bucky anymore. I'm going to have to talk to Steve, thought Alison.
"So how are you doing? It's been sort of nuts lately and you've been playing catch up with what you missed when you were out," said David and Alison shrugged. She had missed the first two weeks of classes trying to deal with her grandfather's passing and estate.
"Honestly I'm really happy to be back in a program. Didn't think I would get another bite at apple. Even if I moved out of state my record wasn't the best," said Alison and David shook his head.
"Well their loss is our gain. So you have any plans this weekend?" asked David. The med students had their days off moved to Saturday and Sunday until classes went on break.
"Finishing up my homework and maybe dealing with some of the old man's things," said Alison. It was only a bit a lie. She was hoping to spend some time with Bucky once her homework was finished.
"If you are in the city Saturday night and looking for something to do I have an extra ticket to see Maria Bamford. Just text me and we'll meet up," said David and Alison nodded.
"I'll think about it," said Alison and she left his office. Was that a date offer? thought Alison and she shook her head. He was just being nice and trying to get her out. She hadn't really been out since Robert's passing. It wasn't too much of a loss in her book since she got to spend her weekends with Bucky. She grinned a little bit and headed back to her room. She was actually caught up with most of her assignments. She didn't have a session with Wanda or with Natasha. Maybe they could just spend a whole evening together. Granted they had spent evenings together in the past, but it was a bit different now.
She went into her room to dump her books when she heard Steve and Bucky in his room.
"I can't believe you kept this," said Steve.
"Well I didn't know if I would need them," said Bucky. Alison went over to the doorway and poked her head in.
"What did he keep?" asked Alison. Bucky motioned for her to come in and she spotted his pack from when they first brought him in tossed on the bed. A gun, three knives, a tattered guide book from the Captain America exhibit, some dirty clothes and a blanket were on the bed. Alison eyed the weapons and looked at Bucky.
"Old habits?" she asked and he nodded.
"I might be ready to let them go now," said Bucky and Steve ejected the clip and made sure the gun was empty. He also picked up the knives carefully.
"I'll make sure these all get put away properly," said Steve before turning to Alison. "Can you come with me to my office please," said Steve and Bucky rolled his eyes.
"You can tell her here. I won't freak out this time," said Bucky and Alison looked at both of them.
"Tell me what?" asked Alison.
"Loi gave us information about old Hydra locations. There is one in Alaska I want to check out. It's a small mission and I want you to come with us," said Steve and Alison was floored. She knew they might be the possibility of going out with a team, but she didn't think it would be with Steve and her first assignment to boot. Captain America wants you for a mission. If the old man is watching he would be stunned, thought Alison. Hell she was stunned right now.
"Who is us?" asked Alison
"Myself, Bucky, Natasha and Clint Barton. You and David will be our medics. They might have left some files behind on experiments and you'll know what to look for. We're going to have a meeting tomorrow morning at 0800 to go over the finer points of the mission and we'll be leaving tomorrow night to pick up Baton before heading to Alaska. It should be a simple in and out job," said Steve and Alison nodded, not really trusting herself to speak.
"Natasha said you handle staves alright so I'll have you stick with that on this mission. We'll run you through some other stuff tomorrow before we leave. Do you have any questions now?" asked Steve.
"Not really," said Alison and she looked over at Bucky who seemed very interested in some dirt under his fingernails.
"If you think of anything between now and tomorrow morning don't hesitate to ask" said Steve and he headed out. Alison looked over at Bucky who was stuffing things back into the bag.
"Are you going to alright with me going?" asked Alison. His posture went very straight and he paused before tossing the bag under the bed.
"Captain said you're coming with us so you're coming with us. I'll deal," said Bucky and he went to leave and Alison caught is his arm.
"If you're worried about me than you won't be able to focus and that can't be good for anyone," said Alison. Bucky sighed and looked at her.
"In addition to looking for files and playing medic, you're coming in case I start to freak out. I sort of remember a base in Alaska. It was a layover base before missions...when they had me in Russia," said Bucky and Alison nodded.
"Do you want to go?" asked Alison. She didn't doubt his willingness to take part, but was he really ready to get back in the game.
"I need to do something," said Bucky and he started pacing. "You know I did a lot of bad things and I want to make something right...I can't do that if I'm stuck here all the time. Things are still coming back to me from when I was...that guy. There are still weapons out there and maybe I can stop them. Maybe this is how I make things right again. I've wanted to for a while now and I'm still not sure how. It's a place to start though," said Bucky. He stopped pacing and he looked at her. He had a determined look in his eyes and she couldn't help but feel a deep sense of pride in him.
"See when you talk like that Sergeant I can't help but be in love with you," said Alison. He turned and grinned at her. She only called him Sergeant when they were alone and she was trying to tease him.
"I knew sooner or later you were going to go on missions. They didn't bring you in just to help me. I'm going to worry about you if I'm with you or if I'm waiting here for you. At least if I'm with you I can keep an eye on you," said Bucky. He came over and hugged her tightly. Alison hugged him back and wove her fingers in his hair.
"It's going to be fine," said Alison. She felt his lips on her forehead and he sighed.
"So you aren't bad with staves huh," said Bucky and Alison grinned.
"Natasha is a really good teacher. I can smack people really good," said Alison.
"Maybe I'll get to see it," said Bucky. God I hope not, thought Bucky.
…
Bucky watched Alison during the briefing and she was taking notes rapidly. He couldn't read her shorthand. Carter taking notes and giving them to an assistant to type up and file for later. It was pretty straight forward mission. Get in, trash the place so it couldn't be used again, collect any useful information and get out.
"Bucky and I will take lead. Alison and David will be in the middle and Barton and Natasha will bring up the rear. According to Loi the base was at least ten feet underground and was redone after the earthquake in 64 so taking it down is going to be a pain. Tony is bring in some new explosive devices along with some new tactical gear. He'll be here at 1200 to do his briefing," said Steve.
"It's more of a bragging-hey look what I can do session than a briefing," mocked whispered Natasha to Alison and she smiled a little. Despite her brave face Bucky knew Alison was nervous and she had slept poorly last night. She had dozed off around midnight, but when he woke up a few hours later he found her swimming laps. Steve gave Alison and Natasha a look, but it was a teasing look.
"We'll be leaving after Tony's briefing. We'll be staying at Barton farm tonight before heading to Alaska. We'll stake out the location and go from there. Questions?" asked Steve.
"Should I just cancel my Saturday night?" asked David and Alison snickered while Natasha rolled her eyes.
"You honestly still make plans?" asked Natasha.
"Just put them on hold for now," said Steve. "I think that's everything for now," said Steve. He dismissed them and headed out. Alison tucked her notebook in her bag and David sighed.
"Well I guess it's silly to ask you to change your mind about coming with me now?" asked David and Alison shrugged.
"I think Sharon and Sam wouldn't say no to a free show," said Alison. Bucky had to remind himself to hold his tongue. David didn't know yet and it seemed Alison had already told him no. She didn't tell me he asked her out, thought Bucky.
"I'm going to head to class for bit and I'll see you at the briefing," said Alison. She and David headed upstairs and Natasha eyed Bucky.
"You want to pull that green eyed monster in?" asked Natasha.
"What?" asked Bucky and Natasha barely fought the urge to roll her eyes.
"David doesn't like her that way. He flirts with everybody and he only asked her to come out to cheer her up. She did just lose her last blood related family member two weeks ago. If she didn't say anything about it, it was because it didn't seem important to her. You on the other hand are very important to her and it's why she's keeping it quiet. Do you really want to deal with all those pesky questions right now?" asked Natasha.
"Not really," admitted Bucky.
"She did pick you. You might want to keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to go Alpha male," said Natasha.
"I don't...I've never really been the jealous type before," said Bucky shoving his hands into his pockets and Natasha's face softened. She understood what it had been like for him. To have nothing and to have no one care for you. To not be allowed to care for anyone. It was weakness and it interfered with missions.
"No one is going to take her away from you...not like that," said Natasha. They had seen too much death for her to say Alison couldn't be hurt during a mission or just walking down the street alone. He knew what she meant though. That he shouldn't worry though about losing Alison to someone else. At the end of the day she cared about him and she had chosen him.
"I know it's going to take some time to get used to," said Natasha.
"Do you ever really get used to it?" asked Bucky and she grinned.
"Yeah. It's nice," said Natasha. Bucky nodded. It was nice to be able to care about someone again in that way. I missed it, thought Bucky.
…..
"So when is Barnes going to rip my face off?" asked David and Alison looked up at him.
"What?" asked Alison confused.
"He gets this little look in his eyes when I talk to you. I'm waiting for him to club me and drag you away by your hair. You into hair pulling?" asked David teasing.
"Can we talk in your office real quick?" asked Alison and David nodded. They went into his office and they sat down.
"We're dating," Alison blurted out.
"What?" asked David with a laugh. Alison just looked at him and David just looked at her. "Oh. You aren't joking. Oh...so when did this start?" asked David.
"About two weeks ago," said Alison and David just looked up at the ceiling.
"I lost the pool," said David and now Alison was stunned.
"What pool?" asked Alison.
"I thought you two had been dating since July. He was seriously undressing you with his eyes that day," teased David. Alison was trying to wrap her head around what was going on and David just started laughing.
"I'm not gonna lie, the MD students are going to be shitty about it. Even though my experience with doctors they tend to sleep with anything that moves. But holy hell a nurse steps a little out of line and they lose their minds. Well Brice might be a little pissy and some of the other nurses might give you some side eye, but you aren't treating him anymore?" asked David.
"No. Steve is thinking about getting him a new doctor. He's just been busy with the Hydra stuff," said Alison. David nodded and Alison felt a sort of weight lift off her chest.
"So if Steve is cool and you're not currently treating him. You aren't rubbing it in people's faces and well when he's not looking like he wants to rip my face off he seems a lot happier," said David.
"I'm pretty happy too," said Alison with a small grin.
"So would you guys like the tickets to the comedy show?" asked David. Alison grinned.
"Well I sort of have an idea for a date when we get back," said Alison.
"You gonna share?" asked David.
"It's a surprise. I try not kiss and tell normally," said Alison. I can't wait to see his face when I take him out, thought Alison.
…...
Tony had fitted Alison and David with bulletproof vests along with bullet proof jumpsuits with pockets and pouches for them to carry medical gear in. They were also fitted with small backpacks to help them carry larger first aid kits. Alison's pack was a little bigger for her to slip any paper files in. Tony gave her a jump drive that would get past any Hydra firewalls. David was given a taser gun and Alison's salves had an electrical charge added that she could turn on and off.
Bucky was fitted with new gear and was impressed with it. The vest was sleeveless and was bulletproof without being too heavy. It allowed him to carry more weapons with ease too. The shirt underneath only had a right sleeve so his left arm had freedom to move. The shirt was also bullet proof and lightweight. The pants were also a better fit compared to his former Hydra gear and better pockets for carrying gear. The guns were about the same in Bucky's eyes. He did listen to Tony's talk about the different types of bullets he had. Sleep bullets to knock someone got, gas pellets to provide cover and old fashion bullets to take someone out.
They were also given two drones to scout the location out before they went in. The drones had sonar, heat sensors and x-ray to help them view what was underground. The explosives were small, but Tony assured them they were sonic and explosive to break the base apart from the inside.
"So that wraps things up kids. I expect things back in one piece and notes if you want anything improved on," said Tony.
"Not a problem," said David. "I'm change back into my street clothes. See you on the jet," said David and he left the room.
"Um...I didn't get a chance to send you a thank you card yet. Your donation was really generous," said Alison taking her backpack off.
"Well the arts are really important to Pepper and I was sorry to hear about your old," said Tony.
"Thank you," said Alison. She left the room and Tony grinned.
"I do have a surprise for her when she get back," said Tony and Steve shook his head.
"Please don't," said Steve.
"It's a good thing. It will cheer her up. I had one for a bit after my dad died and well it perked me right up. I really should get a new one. They are great around the house and it would get me out of the lab more," said Tony.
"I'm not sure how Alison is going to feel about a prostitute," said Natasha and Tony looked hurt.
"I don't know what she's into so why would I get her a prostitute?" asked Tony.
"You got Rhodey one for his thirty birthday," said Steve and Tony rolled his eyes.
"She was a dancer of the exotic nature and whatever she offered Rhodey was on her own time and his dime. It's a surprise and you three better not spoil it. I do want video when she opens it," said Tony picking up his stuff. "I would wish you luck, but you have skill so luck won't be needed," said Tony he gave a little mock salute before heading out. Bucky felt something twist in his chest. You killed his parents. Who would he be if they had lived? thought Bucky. Alison and David had changed back to their street clothes, but Bucky wanted to break in this uniform a little bit more. They packed up the gear and headed to the hanger. Sam was waiting and he eyed Alison.
"So should I start calling you Butterfly now?" he teased and she rolled her eyes.
"I think it's Medic Girl...or Nurse Lady. Not sure which yet," said Alison and Sam hugged her.
"You are not to tell Sarah or Renee I let you go on this field trip. I won't hear the end of it," said Sam.
"She's going to be fine," said Natasha. "Stop being such a pissy baby because she's going on you're not," Natasha winked as Sam looked annoyed.
"I'll be fine," said Alison and she boarded the jet with Natasha and David. Steve looked at Sam and Sam nodded.
"I knew this day was going to happen when she was going to fly the coop. Doesn't mean I'm not going to sit here and mother hen about her," said Sam.
"Do you mother hen about me?" asked Steve and Sam shrugged.
"You're too stupid to worry about," said Sam and they both laughed.
"I knew that seventy years ago. Nice to know it hasn't changed," said Bucky getting on the jet. Alison was sitting by a window and David was sitting by Natasha watching her get the jet ready for takeoff. Alison eyed the seat next to her and Bucky sat down.
"I told David...he's cool," said Alison. Bucky gave her hand a small squeeze and Steve boarded the jet. David sat up front with Natasha and Steve so it was unnoticed that he held her hand the entire flight.
"So I heard this Barton guy almost overtook your marksmenship record," teased Alison and Bucky shrugged.
"Just my SHIELD record. Not sure if I want to own up to my other record," said Bucky. She squeezed his hand as Steve told them they were about to land. It looked to be in the middle of nowhere. There was a large farm house in the distant and a barn. Steve landed a little bit from the farm and Bucky went and changed into street clothes.
They started walking to the farm when a man with two kids started coming towards them.
"Auntie Nat!" cried the little girl and she launched herself at Natasha. Natasha hugged her and smiled brightly.
"So you like being a big sister?" asked Natasha and the girl made a face,
"I hate diapers," she said and Steve shook his head and looked at Bucky. I wonder if they still wash them, thought Bucky. The other child, a boy came up and hugged Natasha too. The man, tall with brown hair came up and shook Steve's hand.
"Miss me?" he asked.
"Well I figured after six months you might want a break," teased Steve and the man laughed and he looked at David.
"God they dragged your sorry ass out here." he said and David laughed.
"I needed something to do and this seemed like a good choice. My granddaddy would kill me if I didn't agree to help Steve Rogers," said David, The man turned his attention to Bucky and he straighten up and his expression got serious.
"It's an honor to meet you sir. Clint Barton," he said and held out his hand for Bucky to shake. Bucky shook it and he could see in Clint's eyes this odd sort of respect for him. Clint turned his attention to Alison and shook his head.
"I am sorry you pulled into this bunch. Natasha said you were nice," said Clint and Alison sighed.
"Well it seemed like a good idea at the time," said Alison.
"Come on. We're having lasagna," said Clint and they started up to the farm house. The kids pulled at Natasha and Alison sort of smirked watching her.
"This could be fun," said Alison and she took his hand.
…..
Would it have been like this if we had come back? thought Bucky as he watched the Barton family. Bucky looked at Steve and could see that he was sort of at ease, but still standing a bit off to the side just watching the Bucky watched them. Clint and Steve had just gone outside to bring in some more firewood and Bucky decided to stay where he was. It was nice here, it reminded him a bit of the farmhouse in France. The kids playing around. It smelled like soup and clean sheets, thought Bucky,
David chatted with Laura about her cooking and promised to send her a recipe he had for a brown cow cheesecake if she sent him the recipe for the bread they had with dinner. Just like his grandfather, a weakness for a woman who can cook, thought Bucky.
It was sort of bittersweet to watch Alison and Natasha with the kids. He knew about the Red Room graduation and what it meant for Natasha. She couldn't have children. He wondered if she had ever wanted them now that she could want things. The older kids climbed all Natasha and she rough housed with them and it was sort of odd to hear her laugh this way. It seemed very light and weightless. She loves them like they were hers. They mean the world to her, thought Bucky.
Alison was in the kitchen with David, Laura and the baby Nathaniel. He started to fuss and since Laura was elbow deep in dishes, she refused all offers of help to clean up after dinner, it was Alison who picked him up out of his chair and started trying to calm him down.
"What's a matter sweetie? No one paying attention to you?" asked Alison. She held Nathaniel so his head could be on her shoulder and he quickly grabbed a fist full of hair and start to tug. "Oh...you're the hair pulling type huh? Yeah." Alison pulled her hair back and the kid let out an ear piercing scream.
"It's hard isn't it?" asked Alison in a high pitched voice. She started rubbing the baby's back and started walking back and forth with him. Nathaniel let out a huge sigh and grabbed a fist full of Alison's shirt while kicking his legs.
"Did you do any babysitting between band gigs?" asked David and Alison shrugged.
"There was a few when Renee needed a hand. At my old hospital job if anyone was having a bad shift they would sneak up to the maternity ward and just look at the babies," said Alison with a small laugh.
Bucky watched her and remembered how his mother would rub Becca's back when she was upset and would walk around the apartment singing or talking softly to her. She can't have them with you, thought Bucky and it was sort of dull punch in the gut. He had wanted a family once and he had every intention of settling down when he came home after the war. Now he couldn't and well shouldn't have children anyway. How would he explain what he had been before? Alison on the other hand...had she planned to have them before with him. His picture is still on her nightstand. If he was still alive she wouldn't be here, whispered some voice in his head. Bucky got up and went outside for some air. He saw Steve and Clint coming up to the house so he headed to the barn for some quiet.
Some part of him knew he was being irrational and yet he was just angry. They took so much from him and trying to get some it back was hard enough. Seeing what he could of had or been was still overwhelming at times He sat down and started trying to work through some of breath exercises Bruce had taught him.
"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Alison and Bucky looked up at her.
"I thought I wasn't your patient anymore," said Bucky and Alison sat down on the dusty floor.
"No. You're my boyfriend and if something is bothering you I'm going to ask," said Alison and Bucky shrugged.
"So I don't get out of talking to you about how messed up I am?" asked Bucky and Alison shrugged.
"Well you can, but it's just going to drive me nuts trying to figure out what I need to do to understand you on this level," said Alison and Bucky just looked at the floor for a moment before looking up at Alison.
"Did you ever talk about kids with...him?" asked Bucky and Alison felt her heart hurt a little for Bucky. She owed it to him to be honest though, this wasn't going to work if she wasn't honest with him.
"We talked about it a few times. We had a scare my junior year, but it turned out to be nothing. We agreed than we weren't ready for kids' right then. We talked about it a little more when we were going to get to married. We were talking about it right before he died," said Alison and she pulled her knees up to her chest. "It was good we didn't have any kids together. I was such a mess and taking care of myself was hard enough and I didn't do a very good job of it. I could have really screwed up and hurt a kid in the state I was in," admitted Alison.
"You know I can't have them and I used to like kids. Part of me still does and yet I know I shouldn't have them. I could screw up too and hurt it if I got mad or slipped back. It just...I could of had this once," said Bucky and Alison moved over to sit next to him.
"Do you still think about having them?" asked Bucky as Alison took his right hand and leaned against him.
"No not really. I was sort of on the fence about it even when we planned to have them. I was worried about getting sick like my mom or them getting sick like she did. After my little stay at Camp Happy it sort of put me in the mindset of maybe not having them. I saw what it was like when my dad was untreated and well I saw myself. I wouldn't want to slip again and leave a kid behind. I was so mad at him for so long for leaving behind...than I just started blaming myself. I was a shitty daughter to him," said Alison and Bucky looked down at her.
"You were a kid," said Bucky and Alison shook her head.
"When he came back after mom died he just didn't seem to care and I just got so mad at him. I missed him so much and when he came back he wouldn't get out of bed some days or he just wasn't there. Gramps had no patience either and he would just yell at him about how he needed to get it together. The day before he left he was supposed to pick me up from school because Gramps had to work late. I waited for over an hour and he never showed up. I was about to walk myself home when another teacher saw me and brought me back in. He called and Gramps picked me up. We got home and dad was still sleeping. I don't think I ever saw him that mad. They fought and he kept asking my dad 'What are you going to do when I'm not here to take care of her?' And he didn't have an answer," said Alison and her grip on his hand got tighter. Bucky looked down at her and she seemed to have that faraway look in her eyes has she went on.
"So the next day Robert left early for a band competition and dad was supposed to get up and take me to school. We overslept and I had to wake him up. I just started freaking out. I thought I was going to get in trouble and he just kept looking at me while I was trying to get myself ready. I spilled something on my shirt and I started crying because I was going to have change and we were already so late and I was so worried about getting in trouble. He told me to calm down and that it was alright and I just...I told him I hated him. I said I hated him and I stomped off to change my shirt. He walked me to school and I didn't say anything to him. I was so mad at him for not doing what he was supposed to. He hugged me and told me he loved me. I think I hugged him back, but I didn't tell him I loved him. Than he was gone," said Alison and she quickly wiped her eyes. "So yeah...I don't want put a kid through that."
Bucky pulls her in close and rests his head on top of hers. She sniffles and keeps wiping .
her eyes.
"I never told anyone that before. Not even Matt. I loved him, but he wouldn't have understood. I can never undo that. I can never make it right. I know it probably sound small compared to what you want to fix, but…" Bucky bends down and kisses her hard. God is that what it's like in your head? All that guilt for something that wasn't even really your fault, thought Bucky. How long had she felt that way? He knew she blamed herself for her mother, but this seemed like a whole different level of guilt in her head. He was still trying to put together all the horrible things he had done over the last several decades and the knowing sometimes makes him want to choke. It was a wonder she hadn't driven herself crazy sooner if she been blaming herself for her parents since she was a kid.
"You weren't a bad kid, you were just a kid. Hell I'm pretty sure I told my mom I hated her once. I told my dad I hated him more than once and I actually meant it and might have earned a good slap for it too. I've seen you with people though. They trust you and they know you really care about them. You see good in them, even when there isn't a lot of it," said Bucky and he's rewarded with a slightly annoyed look from her.
"You have a lot of good in you and people are going to see it and," Bucky lets his forehead rest on hers and Alison gets quiet.
"See there you go. I'm trying to talk sense into you up and you turn it around. Ally...I don't know how many times I'm going to have to remind you that you saved my life. I don't know how many times I'm going to have to remind you that you looked at me when no one else did. I don't know how else to tell you I love you. I haven't felt like this in such a long time. I didn't know I could feel this way," said Bucky. He kisses her forehead and breathes in her scent. Lavender and clean laundry. She always smells like lavender and clean laundry. She lets out a deep sigh before he goes on.
"I think we might have been really good with kids if things had been different. I just don't you want to feel cheated if we stay together. You can still have them if you want. I'm sort of ruined there," said Bucky and Alison shakes her head.
"I don't know how many times I'm going to have to tell you that you aren't ruined. We're different is all and you're not cheating me out of anything," said Alison.
"You know sometimes I think Sam is right and you might be a little crazy for being with me. It might be selfish for me to like that you're a little crazy," said Bucky and Alison grins.
"You met me at a very strange time in my life," said Alison.
"I think mine is a little stranger," said Bucky. Alison goes to say something and just shrugs.
"We should get back. We have a big day ahead," said Alison. Bucky helps her off the floor and they head back inside. Laura shows them to their room and Bucky wonders if she's been told how it is between them or if she guessed. It really doesn't matter right now. Tomorrow they have a mission to finish and once it's done Bucky is going to see about taking his girl out for a proper date. We can at least try for that.
Notes-I always felt the AOU conversation between Bruce and Natasha could have two different meanings depending on how you listened to it. I know a lot people felt that Natasha was calling herself a monster because she couldn't have children. During my first watch in a very noisy and crowded theater I took it she was calling herself a monster because she also had killed people. However I can see where people thought she was calling herself a monster because she and Bruce couldn't have children. I know lots of people who can't/opt out of baby having and they seem pretty cool. If you take it from the kid angle it does seem odd and out of place conversation for Bruce and Natasha to have.
I wanted Bucky and Alison to have the kid talk-even though it's sort of a new relationship-well dating wise not talking wise. So I hope it wasn't as weird as the AOU conversation.
Alison was quoting Fight Club at Bucky-They did meet each other at very strange times in their lives.
Thanks for all the new favs and adds. We have a mission ahead and a date night coming up so I hope you all stick around.
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