A/N: Thanks to everybody for alerting, favoriting and reviewing this story! You guys are awesome!

My humble thanks to katmom, for wielding her awesome powers of beta. You make my day!

Recs:

"24601"by giselle-lx – the 1st Place finisher in The Canon Tour: New Moon round. (http:/www fanfiction net/s/7819904/1/24601)

"A Good Liar" by Raum – the 3rd Place finisher in The Canon Tour: New Moon (http:/www fanfiction net/s/7817651/1/A_Good_Liar)

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all the characters, I'm just playing with them. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 4 – Trauma

The familiar, deep, green of the forest surrounded me again, brooding and ominous while I rushed frantically along. This time I was not alone – a flame-haired demon ghosted along ahead of me, clothed in gossamer smoke that trailed in back of it, her hair flickering and flaring in her wake. The apparition stayed just out of reach, not disappearing, but I couldn't gain on her either. It would be death to catch her, but I had to try just the same. My breath burned in my throat and it felt like my feet were dragging through quicksand – the harder I tried, the slower I moved, but I couldn't give up. Doggedly, I kept trying.

Suddenly the trees opened up, and the deep, blue waters of a lake spread out before us. The demon swept along the shoreline, and beyond her I saw Charlie, placidly fishing. Unaware of any danger, he whipped his fishing rod forward in a smooth cast. I tried to scream, but my lungs were empty. Charlie didn't even turn as the she-demon swooped down on him, and pounced in one long leap. She pushed his head back and prepared to bite, when an avalanche of fur flashed past me, smashing into both the she-demon and Charlie. The whole lot of them plunged into the water and quickly sank from sight. I tried to jump into the water to save them, but hard, cold hands held me and I could get no closer. Bubbles rose from where they disappeared, and the ripples were already starting to dissipate. But nothing else rose from the water. Nothing. I opened my mouth to scream again. Nothing came out.

"Bella! Wake up! You're safe, wake up!"

I became aware of several hands holding me down – one pair large and warm, one pair small and cold. I was lying down, and from the familiar antiseptic smell, I was in a hospital. Judging by the increasing haze of pain that entered my awareness, it seemed a good place to be. Trying to open my eyes, I found something covering the left side of my face, and I could only see out of my right eye. I blinked and two faces came into focus. Charlie stood at the left side of the bed, looking rather wild-eyed and haggard. At my right side was the concerned, but lovely, elfin face of Alice.

"Easy, Bells, easy. You're safe, we've got you." It seemed like any other night, with Charlie waking me up from a nightmare, bending over my bedside with a worried look on his face.

"Dad! You're okay!" Relief flooded through my slowly waking thoughts.

"Sure, why shouldn't I be? Was I in your nightmare?"

"Yeah. What happened?" I croaked. My tongue was very dry, and I had to clear my throat to speak. Alice's presence confirmed for me certain hazy memories that I thought might be part of the dream. Relief flooded my body as I realized Charlie was safe with me, and in the back of my mind was the tantalizing memory of an angel's voice.

"You don't remember? You had an accident, Bella. You're at the hospital in Port Angeles." Charlie's voice was stricken, and the stress seemed to have aged him a decade. "Alice was driving home and found you in the truck. You'd run off the road and into a tree. How do you feel?"

"Like I ran into a tree." My sluggish brain was beginning to recall the horrific events that had landed me here, so I went with their version, not wanting to relive it just now. I tried to raise my head to see how bad it was, but a lancet of pain stopped me. "I must look hideous."

"Considering you have three broken fingers, a broken cheek bone, broken ankle, a concussion and severe bruising on your back and shoulders, you're not that bad." Alice wrinkled her pixie nose at me and I sighed. That explained the cast on my right hand and ankle, the bandages on my head, and how uncomfortable I was laying there. A stinging inside my mouth drew me to explore it with my tongue, and I found cuts inside my cheek, probably from when Victoria struck me.

"Still alive, though," I slurred with some relief. The doctors must have had me on pain medication, because things seemed quite fuzzy in my head, and I blinked owlishly at my visitors.

"Thank the Lord," Charlie stroked his hand gently on my head, and his voice cracked. "You've gotta be more careful, Bells. This is the second time you've landed in a hospital since you moved up here. Your mother's gonna want you to move back." Though he didn't cry, his eyes were moist and red. Charlie didn't do emotion much, so I was touched by his display.

I reached up with my good hand to brush his arm. "Don't worry, Dad, I'm not going anywhere."

A relieved smile brightened Charlie's tired face, and he patted my shoulder. "Thanks, kid." He straightened slightly and coughed. "What happened anyway? Were you trying to avoid something? A deer maybe?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice give me a slight nod. I struggled to improvise. "Yeah. Um, it was dark, and it just jumped out of nowhere. No time to brake, so I swerved. Happened so fast." That didn't sound half bad, considering I was on pain medication. Or maybe it was the meds talking.

"Jeezus, I'm gonna kill every deer I find inside the town limits," Charlie growled vehemently.

Alice gave a low chuckle. "It's not hunting season, Charlie. Even the chief has to have a hunting license."

"I know, I know, and there's no hunting in town. A man can dream, can't he?"

At Charlie's mention of dreams, I glanced over at Alice and, reaching up to touch her porcelain cheek with a shaky hand, reassured myself she was real. "Alice? Are…are you guys back?"

Charlie gave a growling cough, which drew Alice's eyes for a second before she gazed back down at me. "Yes, we're moving back to Forks. Mother didn't like Los Angeles. Father is going to see if his position there is still available."

"It is," Charlie grumbled.

Charlie's reaction gave me pause, and I wondered at it, since he had always liked Carlisle, even defended him to the Quileutes. Then I remembered hearing his voice in the parking lot – his real voice, not my hallucinations. But he wasn't here. I suppose that stood to reason, considering the way he felt about me. My eyes began to moisten at the thought. "Alice, is…is he…?" I couldn't continue but the heart monitor betrayed my increasing pulse rate.

Alice eyed Charlie while she answered. "He's in the hospital. Down in the waiting room."

"And he better stay there if he knows what's good for him." Charlie's voice was low and furious.

I turned my head at Charlie's comment, to see him scowling darkly. "What…what do you mean?" I asked in confusion.

"I mean, he's got some nerve showing up here after what he did to you! But don't you worry, Bells, I told him to leave you alone! He won't be bothering you anymore!"

"Charlie forbade Edward from seeing you." Alice replied calmly.

My mouth opened, but no sound came. I still wanted to be able to see him. Maybe if I could show him things were different, that I was a worthwhile human, perhaps I could convince him to give us another chance. But that wouldn't happen if I couldn't speak to him.

"What? N–no! You can't do that!" I finally blurted.

"Bella, take it easy, you don't want to get too excited. We'll talk about this when you're better, okay?"

I was already too excited, as I thought of being in the same building with him, but not being able to see him. The monitors gave voice to my rising stress level.

"What if I want to see him?" I hated it, but couldn't control the quaver in my voice.

Charlie set his lips firmly, trying to hold onto his reaction. "Sweetheart, I hate to say it, but you've been a mess for the last few months, and he did that to you. You've only started to get a little better since you've started hanging around with Jake. Do you think I want you to slide back down that hill again?"

I had thought I had held it together well enough to fool him – never missing school or work, getting good grades and still keeping him fed. But I suppose he'd be able to tell the difference. He was a cop, after all.

I fought back my initial reaction, not having the luxury to be hysterical. Whether or not Edward wanted me, he was back in Forks, and if this was my only chance to fight for him, I wasn't going to let Charlie get in my way. I took a breath and settled my thoughts.

"Dad, how old am I now?"

Charlie's jaw worked for a while. "Eighteen," he finally grumped.

"That means I have the right to make decisions for myself, right?" My voice trembled a little, and I struggled to get control of myself.

"So, you can vote. You still can't drink, yet."

I flounced my arms and was rewarded by a burst of pain when my cast struck the bed rail with a clang. I gasped and had to breathe deeply until it subsided. "That's not what I mean and you know it," I finally said through my teeth.

Charlie sighed wearily before he spoke. "I don't have too many pictures of you now that you're older, Bells. Mostly stuff from when you were little. If I did, I'd show them to you, so you could see the difference. You looked like hell, and that's only the outside!" Charlie straightened and walked over to stand in front of the window. He pushed the curtain back and stared outside for a while before he continued.

"You weren't you anymore, and it hurt to see you like that! Nothing I could say or do made a difference. I know you went to school and work and still took care of things, but the Bella I know just wasn't in there anymore." Charlie turned around to face the bed again. "You were just starting to get better with Jake. He was making you feel better, why can't you just…stay with him?"

I felt a brush of guilt that I had been so focused on my own problems that I hadn't noticed what Charlie had been feeling. It was only natural for him to assume that any improvements I made while hanging out with Jake, were Jacob's doing. Unfortunately, his parental optimism was misplaced – I may have gotten out of the house more, but I was still just as messed up as before.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I guess I wasn't myself." I said that as gently as I could manage, trying to bring the volume in the room back down. "But Dad, Jake and I aren't dating."

"But you spend almost every waking moment with him…"

"Yeah, I spend a lot of time with him…but he's just a friend."

"So just give yourself a chance –"

"Charlie!" I cried out a little too sharply, then closed my eyes and mentally counted backwards, finding my calm voice. "Dad, I need you to trust me on this."

"Bells, you shouldn't have to have a boyfriend to make you happy," Charlie countered. He slowly kneeled next to the bed and took my good hand in his. "I want you to listen to me. You are a great girl. You're smart, and you're good to people. You have a lot to offer, and you don't have to settle for the first boy that comes into your life."

I didn't know what to say, not sure how to react to his assessment, so I simply squeezed his hand. Just recently I had heard much the same thing coming from Jacob's mouth. "I know I don't, and I was perfectly happy without one in Phoenix. But Dad, you mentioned how bad I looked the last couple months. Well, do you remember how happy I was last summer?"

Charlie pursed his lips as he thought, then grudgingly nodded his head. It wasn't that I waltzed around the house singing or anything but I'm sure even Charlie noticed my uplifted mood. No matter what we did, every day spent with him or his family was touched by euphoria. Only when he had to leave to hunt did my spirits dampen.

"Can you blame me for wanting to be happy again?" I searched for and held his gaze with my one eye. "I don't know if he…still wants me that way. But I'd at least like to be able to talk to him."

Charlie stayed quiet while he stroked my hair, being careful not to disturb the bandages on my face. Again, he sighed.

"I just don't want to see you get hurt again."

I gave him a sad smile. "Dad, he's already dumped me. I can only go up from here." It was a pathetic statement, but true.

"Ah, Bells…" A sad frown settled on his face as he took that in. "Fine. He can see you if you allow him. But a girl should always have the choice to say 'no'. If you ever decide you don't want to see him, I'll be right there to help you boot his butt out the door."

I squeezed his hand and gave him a shaky smile. "Deal."

Alice, who had stayed still during my discussion with Charlie, broke her silence with a cryptic comment. "Maybe it would be good for him."

Charlie seemed to weigh something in his mind as he looked at the two of us. With a little nod, he glanced at the clock on the wall, which showed 6:15. "Ugh, I need to go down to the morgue. Alice, can you stay with Bella for a while?"

Alice looked up, still leaning on her elbows. "Sure, Charlie. But you've only had a few hours of sleep. You're dead on your feet."

"I know, but the coroner's going to be doing the autopsy soon, and I have to be there."

That reminded me of what started the events of last night. "Dad, was it anybody I know?" Considering they had died as a pawn in Victoria's sick game of revenge, it didn't matter who it might be. I still felt bad for them.

Charlie turned wearily to a chair and picked up his coat which, by the look of it, he had been sleeping on. "No, honey, it wasn't. But the thing about it is, he lived in such a remote location, there's no reason for anybody to be just strolling by. Whoever called it in knows more about it than they told the dispatcher. Some woman who wouldn't give a name." He shook his head, shrugged into his coat, then turned back to me and patted my shoulder. "I'll be back later."

"Get some rest," I called to him. He waved as he closed the door behind him.

After Charlie left the room, I reached awkwardly for Alice with my good arm, squeezing her hand to make sure she was still there, and still real.

"How do you feel?" Her wind chime voice was low as she drew closer to me.

"I'm better now. I can't believe you're really here. I've missed you so much, Alice."

Alice leaned in close and kissed me on the cheek with her cold lips. "I've missed you too, Bella. Do you want to sit up a little?"

I nodded and Alice reached for the control to incline the bed slightly. That made it easier to talk to her and didn't hurt as long as I wasn't supporting my head. Alice's mere presence also put me in better spirits than I had felt in a long time.

"So what really happened?" I asked. "How did you find me? Did you get Victoria?"

Alice chuckled at my rapid fire questions. "Don't worry, you're safe from her now. Once we took care of her, we staged your 'accident'." She sat back and sighed. "I suppose I should start from the beginning. Edward told me not to look for your future, but I can't just turn it off."

The thought of Edward being this close sent my heart into my throat. Yet, at the same time, the memory of his last words to me filled me with despair. If he truly didn't want me anymore, what good would it do to talk to him? I'd never been able to convince him of anything once he'd made up his mind. But this was something I had to do.

"Alice? Do you think he'll want to talk to me?" She couldn't read his mind but she was the closest of all his siblings to him, and any insight I could gain might help.

"Why do you think he's been waiting? I'll get him for you." Alice's eyes went distant for a moment while she mentally called him. "He'll be up in a few minutes. Your father is talking to him in the waiting room." She giggled a bit, and I rolled my eyes. Considering Charlie's attitude toward Edward right now, that couldn't be a pleasant conversation.

Alice smoothed out her skirt briefly before continuing. "Anyway, so I saw you with a boy in Edward's meadow, being confronted by one of the nomads from James' coven. Then your future disappeared! I thought you'd been killed! I didn't ask questions, I just got on the first plane out here. Then, on the way, you and the boy suddenly re-appeared, then disappeared again. I had to find out what was going on, so I came back home." Alice squinted one eye intently at me. "Bella, have you been spending a lot of time at the Reservation?"

I briefly thought about what I could and couldn't tell Alice, since the Quileutes had obviously been trying to keep a secret. Then I realized that members on both sides of the treaty would obviously know about each other, and they both had secrets to keep. "Yes, and, um, some members of the Quileute tribe turn into wolves." I watched Alice's face carefully for her reaction.

A cute little divot formed between her eyes as she frowned. "You've been hanging out with werewolves? You're lucky to be alive! What happened in the house after you and the boy were talking with two older tribesmen?"

"The leader of the wolf pack came in."

Alice's eyes widened. "Well, that explains some things."

"Like what?"

"Your future has been popping in and out of existence for the last couple days. Somehow when your fate is associated with a werewolf, I can't see you." Even annoyed, Alice looked adorable. "That made it very difficult for Jasper to plan how to protect you when Victoria began showing up in your future."

A gentle knock on the door startled me, and set my heart rate monitor soaring. To finally see him, after all this time, sent my anxiety through the roof. What would he want to talk to me about, if he still didn't want me? Before I could speculate, the door opened.

"Hello, Bella."

His voice was quiet, and still velvet smooth, the pupils of his eyes were very dark with the purple circles standing out prominently under his eyes. The Botticelli-perfect image of his face had not changed, and set my heart hammering, to my embarrassment. His tousled, bronze hair was still as inviting to my hands as before. But what surprised me was his clothing; he looked like he had been living in them for months. I had never seen him this bedraggled before.

Alice seemed to feel the need to apologize for Edward's appearance, and wrinkled her nose at him. "Edward came as fast as I called him. I would have sent him home for a shower and a change of clothing but he wouldn't leave."

The state of Edward's clothing made no difference to me, as the sight of him paralyzed my brain, and I could only stare, drinking in the heart-stopping visage I had missed for so long. The hole in my chest was partially healed by his presence, but the remaining wounds throbbed even more in contrast. I yearned to hold him again – something he no longer wanted of me – and the ache pulsing through my arms was far beyond what Victoria had inflicted. With difficulty, I pulled myself out of my stupefaction and managed to mumble. "That's okay, I don't mind." But I continued to stare.

After a long moment of silence, Alice stood. "Well! I can see you two have much to talk about, so I'll let you get started." She opened the door and paused before leaving. "No hitting, you two!" she said with a smile, and closed the door behind her.

Edward remained standing next to the door, fidgeting with his hands clasped before him while he gazed at me. His eyes widened as they roved over me, and I was reminded that I was, once again, covered in bandages and gauze. That wouldn't be a good memory for him, and I tried to pull the thin, hospital blanket higher to cover myself. I watched him for some sign of what he was thinking, half expecting him to look at me in disgust, or even turn and run. He didn't run, but his stunned look and standoffish air could only mean one thing; it was true what he had said before. He didn't care for me in the same way. He only cared for me in a way. He certainly wasn't rushing to gather me into his arms.

I bit my lip and turned my head away for a moment, determined not to make a scene for him. If I could do anything to respect what we had before, I wouldn't make this difficult for him. I took several deep breaths, pushing down the agony that threatened to boil over. I'd deal with it later, after he said what he came for.

"Hey –" I began, hoarsely.

"Bella, I'm so–"

We both stopped, after beginning to speak at the same time. We tried again, and stepped on each other's words again. Finally we laughed a little.

"You first," I insisted.

He nodded and took an audible breath. "Bella, I am so, so very sorry you were injured. As much as I wanted to, we couldn't swoop in sooner to save you because Victoria would have gotten away. Alice could see that, and I found she had a knack for escaping when I tried to track her down myself. I was unsuccessful, and actually thought she was in the southern United States when she was actually here in Forks."

My eyes widened at the thought of him putting himself in danger. "You were hunting her?"

He gave a sardonic grimace. "Not very well."

"But why?"

"I had to." He held my eyes for a moment, then crossed the room to the chair Charlie had slept in. I noted that he didn't choose the closer chair Alice had previously occupied, and ruthlessly suppressed the twinge of sadness that twisted in my chest.

"Bella, she wasn't going to leave you alone. She was James' mate. The way mated pairs are, when one dies the other tends to go a little crazy – either revenge crazy or suicidal crazy. I thought she would come after me, but who knows what crazy people think?"

"You would."

"Yes, but it didn't help me. I got close to her a few times, but she was always able to slip away. I could even see it in her mind when it happened, and it was uncanny how she could always find the one escape route. I knew then, that I couldn't stop her by myself, and Jasper felt this was the best chance we had. We could catch her, but only if she were not paying attention to her gift. Jasper knew it would be close, and it was. So please forgive me, Bella. I never intended for you to be hurt."

I didn't think I could sink any lower. Part of me had hoped he would apologize for leaving me, but he had only apologized that I had been hurt in the process of hunting Victoria. He had said his piece, and would most likely be gone soon. I realized that I was being ungrateful for being saved, but it still hurt. Hoping to draw out his visit, I resolved to play the cordial ex-girlfriend. I ignored the urge to bury my face in the pillow and wail, and instead affected the smooth expression I had practiced for Charlie. I even twitched the corner of my mouth into a smile.

"Don't worry about it. I'm still alive, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are. And you have no idea how grateful I am for your survival."

Of course he was grateful. If I had been killed as a result of his efforts to end Victoria, the guilt would sit in his chest for the next one-hundred years. At least, it would if he wasn't able to find a good enough distraction. "Sooo, what else have you been doing?"

"Not much of anything beyond trying to track down Victoria," he said with a shrug.

I frowned for a bit. If he was going to bother to talk, at least he could be more forthcoming. I supposed I should be happy he was talking to me at all. "Oh. Well, you and the family must have gone somewhere. I know you didn't really move to L.A."

"True. They moved to Ithaca, New York. Carlisle was working at the hospital and teaching at Cornell University. Esme was restoring a house we have in Ithaca. Alice was off digging up her past, and Emmett and Rosalie are on yet another honeymoon." He rolled his eyes.

"And you didn't go with them to New York?"

Edward slowly shook his head.

"Why not?"

He grimaced briefly, his eyes going distant, before coming back to me. "I…was not pleasant company to be around," he explained, slowly.

Not knowing what to make of that, I let it go. "Alice said your family is moving back to Forks. Is that true?"

Edward folded his hands and looked down at them briefly. "Yes, it's true. Carlisle will go back to his job, and the rest of the family will be returning as soon as they settle things in Ithaca."

My heart in my throat, I couldn't help asking. "And what about you?"

Edward frowned and suddenly shifted the subject. "You're taking this awfully well."

"What, this?" I twitched my arm in its cast. "All things considered, I think I've had worse. James had more time and opportunity, so he really did a number on me."

"Wait, a minute. What are you talking about?" Edward raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Me getting hurt by Victoria. Aren't you feeling guilty that she got to me? It's okay, I understand. You had to cut it so close because the only way to get to her was to make sure she wasn't paying attention to her gift. And it worked. Yeah, it hurts, but I'm alive. This I can deal with. So don't you feel guilty about that."

The stunned look returned to his face as I spoke. "But…but I do."

"Feel guilty?"

"Absolutely."

I rolled my eyes, attempting to keep the friendly ex-girlfriend attitude going. "You have to stop that, you know. You called me a danger magnet, remember? I think you're right, and things just seem to happen to me. But that's just the way my life is, and you have no reason to feel guilty for that.

"So, are you going to be back for long? Do you mind my asking what your plans would be?" I tried to imagine what kind of activity would be diverting enough to a being that had lived one-hundred years and seen that much of life. My imagination failed.

"I…hoped you might guide me in that."

"Me?" I frowned in confusion. "Since when has anything I've said had an influence over what you really wanted to do?"

For some reason, he shut his eyes tightly and flinched away. When his dark eyes opened again, they were pinched as if he was in pain. "Everything you say influences me. You know I can't forget anything, remember? I carried the sound of your anguished cries, echoing in my head, calling me back to you day after day."

My eyes flew open in shock and my heart started to flutter. "Edward…what are you saying?"

"I know I have no right, but I'm saying I can't live without you anymore. I've done so for far longer than I could stand, and it was my own stupidity that kept me from crawling back to you."

"But…in the forest. You said I wasn't good enough for you."

"I lied, Bella. You should have known that. As good at lying as we must be to fake our existence and you believed me in one word?"

"But…you said you didn't want me anymore!"

"I lied because I could see what was happening. It was only a matter of time before Jasper came at you again, or even myself. I never stopped loving you, but I had to do something to save your life."

"By leaving me?" My voice squeaked in outrage. "Knowing what I know about your world, do you think that makes any difference? You saw! Just because you left doesn't make all the vampires in the world go away. You may have killed Victoria but that won't keep other nomads away from Forks. They're still out there whether you like it or not. In fact, the only way you can really keep me safe is to stay with me. And now you're telling me we went through six months of hell because you lied?"

"Yes, but it was for your own good. And I never thought you would believe me, but you did. I could see it in your eyes." I could hear the disappointment in his voice, but other thoughts rushed to the front.

"Because it doesn't make sense! It never made sense! Why would you love someone like me? You said you didn't want me anymore. You said I wasn't good enough for you! That made sense! I even understood it when I tried to look at it your way. You were tired of pretending not to be a monster, and Jasper reminded you of what you are. Well, you know what? You never were a monster to me!

"And after all this, now you say to me that you were lying about lying. How am I to know? If you're as good at lies as you say you are, how do I know you aren't lying now? And you did it 'for my own good'? That's just great! Just tear my heart out 'for my own good', why don't you?" I was yelling. Somewhere, my voice had risen, and the sudden silence in the room punctuated how loud I had become. Belatedly, I realized I had created a scene. Edward watched me rant, not moving, but his expression wasn't happy.

Before, I didn't think it was possible, but I was angry, and angry at him. I wasn't sure what I was more angry about – that he had lied or the fact that he had unilaterally made a decision affecting us, and broke my heart in the process. Lying took us back to the time before I knew what he was, and he was hiding things from me. I thought we had gotten beyond that, to a level where we were on open and equal terms with each other. Deciding what was best for me, well that was something for Charlie to do, not my boyfriend. Actually, now that I was eighteen, that was my decision, and nobody else's. My breath was still coming too quickly, and I needed some time to think. If I wasn't in a cast and it didn't hurt to raise my head, I would have walked out myself.

"Edward, can you please leave?" I growled.

He started as if I had struck him in the face, then closed his eyes, bowed his head, and took a long, slow breath. When he opened his eyes, they were inscrutable.

"As you wish." He rose and walked silently to the door, opened it and paused. He looked over his shoulder at me, his eyes intense and hungry. His velvet tones were subdued with sadness. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I'll always love you." And then he was gone.

= = O = o = P = =

To be continued...

Thanks so much for reading, I'm glad you're still with me! I'd love to know what you think! puuush the buttton :-)