PLEASE BE AWARE THAT SELF HARM IS IN THIS CHAPTER
PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THAT SORT OF THING

IF ANYONE YOU KNOW IS SELF HARMING THEN PLEASE DO WHAT YOU CAN TO HELP THEM

Different Turn Of Events
Chapter 13

Dimitri
I understand that things are really hard for Rose right now and she deals with things her own way but I'm sick and tired of her pushing me away. She keeps fighting me. Sometimes all I want to scream at her and shake her to make her listen to me but she's so strong headed. She never listens to anyone. Rose needs space and I can give her space if that is really what she wants but I can't keep away from her forever, I know she doesn't believe it but I need her as much as she needs me right now. When I was with Jesse and I was beating him, I could've killed him and I was about to but I know Rose wouldn't have wanted that. She's too good for her own good. If it wasn't for her then I would have killed Jesse and I would've never thought about it again. He would be gone and forgotten, like he should be after everything he done.

One of the problems between us is that I don't know how to act around her now because of this. We have spent an amazing night together and we finally made love with one another and then all of this. At first I thought it was just physical space she needed but now she wants some real space between us and it's killing me. I want to be there for her and help her in whatever way I can because that's what I do and because it's Rose. I will do anything for her. I love her so much and before her I never really knew what love was until I met her. She was driving me insane! I don't know what to do for her but I need to do something. I need to help her and get her back to where she wants to be and become the person she wants to be. First I just need to get her to open up to me.

When I left her apartment last night I knew it was wrong. I should have just turned back and made her talk to me. At the same time I don't want to crowd her and make her feel like she's under pressure, that's the last thing she needs right now. She needs her space and I'll let her have her space for a little while to clear her head or whatever it is she wants to do but she's not calling the shots on this. I am going to take the first step in rebuilding us, I won't wait around for her to contact me first because she's stubborn. She'll just keep dragging it out until the last moment and I can't live like that. I need to get all of this resolved and start getting back on track with her. I want nothing more then to put all of this behind us and start new.

If there was any chance of me turning back time before it all happened the first time then I would do. I would do anything to save Rose from all of this. I don't want this to define who Rose becomes because she is so much better then that. She can do whatever she wants and become whoever she wants, I don't want this stopping her. She had dreams of becoming a Guardian to Lissa but because of Jesse raping her… the first time… it's destroyed those dreams and it nearly destroyed her. I'm glad she found peace at a new school with new people and away from all the bad stuff that happened. I wonder what Rose wants from life now, we've never really spoken about it. For all I know the reason she's putting space between us now is because she doesn't want to be with me and she's putting the distance in now to make that easier for the two of us.

Why does she do this to me? Why can't she just let me help her? Rose always makes things so difficult sometimes. I just need to help her and be there for her. I've never met someone so difficult in my life but then again I wouldn't have her any other way. With that being said, Rose was right with what she had said before. She wasn't the same Rose that I first met and it's understandable why and how she's changed. I don't need her to be the same 17 year old I first met to love her. I will always love her regardless. She's the only woman for me and that will never change.

My phone rang out loudly making me jump slightly. I took a breath and grabbed the phone, I looked at the caller ID but there wasn't a name, just a number. I didn't recognise the number but I answered it anyway, it could be important "Dimitri Belikov" I said as I answered.

"Dimitri it's me, Janine" The voice on the other end replied.

"Janine?" I questioned.

"Are you with Rose?" She asked.

"No. I left her last night" I replied.

"I've been trying to call her and she hasn't answered, I'm really worried about her because when I spoke to her last she sounded like something was wrong" She said "Are you far away?" She asked.

"No I'm not. I have a hotel booked a couple blocks away. I'll go over there straight away and make sure she's ok" I told her.

"Thank you and please do call me when you see her" She said.

"Of course"

I got to the apartment and knocked on the door but there was no answer "Rose, open the door!" I called out and knocked again but there was no answer and I couldn't hear any movement on the other side "Rose you better open this door or I will break it down" I said and banged once more on the door but it was the same as before.

Rose
Games? Did he really think that this is what I wanted to happen? All I've ever wanted is to live a happy life with Dimitri, a happy life where we get married and grow old together. I wanted that life with him and he wanted it with him, I would do anything to go back to how things were before Jesse raped me… the first time. Dimitri and I would be happy now and living the life we want.

I don't want this life anymore!
I don't want any life anymore!

This was all just too much for me to take right now. I can't be dealing with everything, not on my own. I know I sent Dimitri away and I shouldn't have because I need him but I also need time on my own and apart from him. When I'm with him sometimes I feel over crowded but it's not his fault. He's just being the amazing, charming, perfect man that I first fell in love with. I can't be mad at him for that. Life just seems a lot more complicated now and I don't know how to make it right again.

Maybe things would be better if I wasn't here anymore. Dimitri is always worrying about me and so is my mom, maybe if they didn't need to worry about me anymore they would be able to get on with their own lives and be really happy. Dimitri will be able to move on and he will find someone more worthy of him and get the life he deserves. He can marry someone and maybe even have children, stranger things have happened in the world. Dimitri would be a really amazing father and husband. He believes that being a Guardian is his calling in life but I don't think it is, it's being a family man.

I can't be that for him, I can't be a wife for him. I'm not exactly wife material. Could you imagine me at home cooking dinner whilst waiting for my husband to come home? Can you imagine me setting the table and hosting dinner parties or scrubbing the floor to make a perfect home? That's not me and that's who Dimitri deserved. No matter how much I wished I was perfect for Dimitri we both know I'm not and he deserves better and then there's my mother. My mother and I have never been close and although she worries she not exactly the mothering type. I think she regrets having me so maybe I can put her out of her misery and let her get on with what she does best, being a Guardian.

I've never done this before but I've heard how it's done. I'm sure I can't mess this up, it seems quite easy and I'm hoping quick. I went into the bathroom and grabbed some scissors I saw in one of the drawers. I thought about where I could do this, maybe where this began? I stood in the doorway of my bedroom and thought about it but this was the right place. This started here and now I'm going to end it here. I walked into the bedroom and sat on the bed.

The bed covers were still messed up from when Jesse came over. I sat there with my legs dangling off the end of the bed and with the scissors in my hands. I know this is what I need to do, it won't only free Dimitri and my mother of suffering and worrying but it will also free me of my pain and everything that happened to me. Maybe I'll be happier in another life then what I am here, I can be free. Jesse won't have this hold over me, I won't be afraid anymore. I can just have the peace I've always wanted.

I know there is one thing that I should do first, explain to whoever finds me what happened or why I did this. I grabbed a paper and pen from my drawer. I wasn't sure who to make this out to, I mean my mom might come home first or maybe Dimitri will come by later on to try and talk again. It's not really fair for me to do this and know one of them will find me but this is what is best. I need to do this before I go insane.

I put my wrist out in front of me. For the first time in my life I really looked at it, studied it. The pale skin and the veins running though it. The veins I was about to cut open, I was going to let the blood flow and end it all. This was going to be it, my only regret is that I'm not going to give Dimitri and my mother a final farewell. I do know that if I give them that final farewell they'll know something is up and they'll put a stop to it. They won't let go through with it. Dimitri will stop me and I can't allow that.

I opened the scissors and brought the blade across the flesh on my wrist.

Let's hope Dimitri can get there in time to save his Roza.
Thank you all for reading.
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