The Unsaid Words

Mystic Mizu

Panic. Joy. Then panic again. She can't move or breathe, as if she's stuck in a frozen time warp. She tried to digest everything around her. Allen is in front of her. They are near the back gates of the palace where the stables are. In front of the stable, a horse, a familiar horse, stood. The horse has the Fanelian King seal on its saddle, which means, that the king of Fanelia, Van Fanel, the man she left, for the third time, is here. Does he know that she's here? Panic.

"Hitomi, you look like your killer just found you. This is Van we're talking about. Calm down." Allen broke the silence. She looked down, and then looked at the horse again. No one is tending the horse, he just arrived a few minutes ago, she assumed.

"Look, you don't have to face him now if you can't." This is in fact true. But hiding from him would be wrong. On the other hand, she doesn't have the courage to face him yet.

She started walking, not knowing where to go, but all she wanted is to be away from the stables. Allen followed but he was a few steps behind her to give her space to think. Then she started rambling.

"Why am I so afraid to see him? Why am I running away from him?" she stopped and turned to face him.

"I want to be with him. I know that. I am certain of that. In a week of stay here I imagine talking to him, explaining my apology and telling him how sorry I am. I want to tell him that I am sorry and that I love him."

"So tell me." She can recognize that voice anywhere. It's both soothing and nerve wrecking.

She slowly turned and there he was. His hair disheveled, as it's always been. Shadows under his eyes mark the weariness of his long journey. He was not smiling. He doesn't look angry either. His face is calm, which terrifies her more since she can't read how he feels upon seeing her in the land of Asturia.

Breathe. She thought. Nervous. Why is she nervous? She has been so calm around Van for a long time. He's the only one who could calm her down. It's so strange that now, he's the cause of her apprehension. No, it's not him. She realized that it's because she caused him pain, that she feels ashamed to face him, to ask him to take her back.

She was so focused on trying to figure out what to say next that she didn't notice that Allen left her side, walked towards Van, and nodded at him. Van nodded back. She saw him look back at her and smiled, as if encouraging her to talk to Van.

A few seconds has passed and no one has broken the silence. They just looked at each other but not giving any emotions whatsoever. Her panic has passed. She suddenly felt the calmness she used to feel in his presence. Why did she ever run away from this? She wondered.

He's being stubborn, she thought. He didn't move his gaze away from her. She knows that he's waiting for her to talk first. And he has the right to do it, for she is the one who owes him an apology.

She took a few steps to approach him and stopped at an arm length in front of him. She breathed in deep and exhaled, giving up all her pride and stubbornness.

"I shouldn't have left." she said looking at his boots. "I wasn't being irrational when I threw my temper, I have reasons, but how I dealt with it was wrong. I was wrong to think that going back to earth would solve everything."

"I thought that's what you wanted, to go back." He said calmly.

"I know that if I go back, I'll end up thinking about you every single day. I'll end up wishing I'm back here. It's wrong, but perhaps being away from you, but not too far, is what I needed to realize how much you mean to me. How wrong I was."

"We haven't seen each other for five years before you came back, that wasn't enough for you to realize that?"

"I know. I was wrong to treat you like that."

He looked away for the first time. He took a deep breath and relaxed his stiff body. "You were not wrong at all." The statement took her by surprise. Of course she was wrong. In what way could he justify all her actions?

"Look, it's been a long journey for you, maybe you should-"

"No, we're going to talk now. No more secrets. No more hiding Hitomi. I'm not giving you a chance to filter what you want to say. Say what you want to say." He noticed that his voice was rising, he again breathed to calm himself. "I don't care if it won't make sense or if we go in circles, I will understand you."

"I know it wasn't fair for you." He continued. "I snatched you away from your home because I want to be with you. I didn't consider the life you're going to leave behind. I thought this is what you wanted."

"It is." It's exactly what she didn't want to hear from him. For him to say that she's better off back on earth.

"But it wasn't enough. It will be never fair for you, because you have to make a choice, and whatever choice you make, whether you decide to stay here or not, leaving someone you love was never a fair decision." He was right. It was true. She never told him this, but he still understood. But the word unfair doesn't seem to fit the statement, because being with him compensates, even more, with what she lost.

"You were hurt in making this decision, and for that, I should've understood why every day, you pain to be here-"

"No." she cried in exasperation. "It was hard to make the decision, it's true. It's true that I every day, I miss my family, my friends, my life back on earth. But it was never painful to be with you."

"Then why didn't you just tell me what was bothering you?"

"Because it's not something that you should trouble yourself with. I didn't want you to think that you were never enough, that I wasn't happy to be here. Every time you were beside me, I feel happy, you ease the longing. But you are not always around. And I don't want to blame it to your responsibility as a ruler. It's so selfish. I know that I am not your priority. And I don't nor will I ever ask you or make you feel that you should always be at my side to make us work. I am so selfish and I hate that." Tears are starting to flow down her cheeks she again breathed and wiped away the tears. She hated that look on his face. That pained look on his eyes. What's worse is she is caused it.

"And you thought pushing me away is the answer?"

"I thought pushing myself away from you would give me the time I need to learn how to deal with the longing."

"And where did that get you? You thought of leaving me, thinking that you shouldn't be with me because you were hurting me. Hitomi, you don't think that I will understand that you miss your family? Is that what you are saying?" he didn't hide this frustration this time. He looked down at her and grabbed her arms with both hands.

"You think that I will not understand the pain of leaving your friends and family behind? I get it Hitomi. And if you cry everyday and tell me all the time that you miss them, I will understand. What I don't understand is why you felt the need to hide it from me. I know that I am not the only person that you love. That your world doesn't entirely revolve around me. I wanted you to stay with me, to choose me, but that doesn't mean that I will completely disregard what you will leave behind if you do." He locked his gaze on her eyes waiting for her to respond. But she just stood there, looking back at him, quite shocked, but trying to hide it with passiveness. Tears are still streaming down her face. He suddenly became aware of how tight his grip was on her little arms. He forgot that he was still wearing gloves from riding his horse. He released her and saw that he left marks on them. He knew that they will bruise. He took a few steps back, took of his gloves and put them inside his pocket. He put his hands on his waist and looked at her.

It wasn't easy to look at her. Not because of the anger, but because of the frustration that it's as if he can't do anything to ease her pain. And now he actually hurt her. He wanted so badly to embrace her, to stop the tears. But he knew that if he go soft on her again, they will drop the argument and it won't be solved.

"Come to think of it, I didn't even give you the chance to make the decision, I just took you away, without asking if it's what you wanted. I just assumed-"

"It is what I wanted." She said. Her voice is hoarse from crying. He can see that she was tired from crying. Her eyes are red and puffy and her face is flushed.

"I just wasn't expecting it. I wasn't expecting anything from you before" she added. This took him by surprise.

"You didn't expect me, to come for you?" he asked, quite confused why.

She sighed and looked away. Since he asked her to spill everything, she decided to tell everything, even if it hurts him. "I had a plan. And frankly, you weren't in it. After a year of nothing from you, I gave up. I can't see you. I can only see bits of memories, which I considered dream, which my mind doctor considered hallucination."

She waited for him to say something. He was shocked that she gave up on him. She thought he was just a dream. He can only imagine her shock when he suddenly took her away from what she considered real. It must be hard to think that the person you love, was just an illusion.

"I was so sure that I was going to get you when the time is right. I didn't think you'd ever thought otherwise."

"I'm still glad that you came for me." she smiled, a weary one which disappeared in an instant. "Van I love you. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to handle myself well. I want to be with you. I belong with you. I don't know what else to say to convince you how I truly want to be with you."

He gave up. He slowly walked towards her and locked her in his arms, one around waist, and the other around her neck. He buried his face on her small shoulder, inhaling her sweet scent. He kissed her shoulder, then her neck, then her wet cheek. He held her face with both hand and wiped her tears with his thumb. He kissed her gently on the lips then held her again.

"I'm so stupid." She whispered.

"Yes you are." He said. He tightened his hold then released her.

"Van I-"

"Shh… let's say no more. Too many things have been said today I don't think I can process another."

And while they held each other in the silence of the night, he knows that he needs to make things right for her. He looked up at the mystic moon, sighed and held her tighter.

AN: i know it's a long argument, but it's supposed to be. well there you go as promised. i have another chapter coming up.