Fourteenth Session

"How do you know, though?" she sighed, despondently.

"Faith, hope and trust, usually. Three is a magic number," he replied.

This time they were outside, sitting in his backyard, looking out over the park. "Are you quoting Schoolhouse Rock?"

"That's 'Faith and hope and charity.' But yes. My younger daughter is fascinated with it, so we've been watching the DVDs."

Jane nodded and watch the hummingbirds come to the feeder. "Doesn't help, though. I don't have any faith, or hope, or trust that this is gonna go well," she sighed. "I don't even know if I'm- whatever I am."

Nodding slowly, Dr. Adler asked, "What do you know?"

"I know I keep having sex dreams about my coworker," Jane said, so morosely, it was almost funny.

"Sometimes a sex dream is just a sex dream, Jane. We all have them, even when we're in perfectly satisfying relationships."

"Yeah but ... you don't have 'em about women, right?"

The doctor cocked his head to the side. "Generally no."

"Right, and I ... uh, self-identify as heterosexual. So me having sex dreams about a woman?"

"A woman's sexuality is more fluid than a man's, but is that true?" When Jane looked at him, uncomprehendingly, Dr. Adler continued. "Do you actually identify as heterosexual, or is it just what you assume you must be, given your gender?"

Jane's jaw worked in silence for a long time. "Shit." She looked from the doctor back to the garden. "I get called dyke a lot."

"Does it bother you?"

"No," she said so quickly that the honesty of it rocked her.

"Would it bother you if it were true?"

After a moment, Jane shook her head, "I don't think so. The name calling, I mean, that's just what it is." She shrugged, "It'd be harder with my Ma. She wants me to get married and pop out little Rizzolis."

"Jane First," said the doctor, firmly.

Chagrined, Jane repeated herself, "I don't think name calling would bother me. If it's true, then it's true." She sighed. "How do you know it's true?"

"There's no one right answer, Jane."

"Thanks, you're useless."

"You're welcome. Think about your last sexual experience with men."

"Ugh, do I have to? The ... It was a mistake."

"When's the last time you didn't have regrets after sleeping with men?" Jane said nothing, and Dr. Adler went on. "It's not a sure thing, Jane, it's one of many little cues. You have to think about your encounters with men and women. Who would you rather spend time with?" When Jane still didn't answer, he sighed and went on. "We all need connections with other people, to feel loved by someone who has no biological requirement, like a parent, to adore us and want to put us first."

"Yeah," Jane said softly, looking anywhere else.

"When you dated Casey, or Dean, did you feel that sort of connection? That their love was for you? Not just what you represented as a woman or a police officer, but that they saw you, Jane Rizzoli, and wanted to cherish that? Respect it?"

Shaking her head, Jane started to rub the scars on her palms. "No."

"Have you ever felt that someone cared for you like that?"

Now her voice was practically a whisper. "Yes..."

Gently, Dr. Adler asked, "Who?"

The name sat on her tongue, burning a hole there, just like it had burned her heart. "Maura."

"And do you feel the same way towards her?"

Jane nodded. "Am I gay?" she asked, her voice harsh with held back tears of fear.

The Kleenex box was pressed into her hands. "Forget the label, Jane," urged Dr. Adler. "What do you want?"

"Maura," she repeated, and blew her nose. "I want... Her to be happy, and safe. And love. And... I want that to be with me."

When her doctor was silent for a while, she dared a glance up and found him smiling, as if they'd made real progress. "Then let's get you to a place where you can tell her."

Twentieth Session (with guests)

"Ms. Rizzoli, it's nice to finally meet you," smiled the doctor, extending his hand towards Jane's mother.

"Angela," insisted the rough voiced matron. "And..it's nice to meet you, Dr. Adler."

Jane fidgeted behind her mother, nodding at her doctor, before ushering Angela to the couch. "Hey, Doc."

"Janie, that's no way to talk to a professional," admonished Angela.

Jane rolled her eyes and looked at Dr. Adler. "See?"

"Quite. Angela, it's alright. Jane's allowed to call me Doc, or Adler, or even Arthur, as she feels comfortable." He smiled, disarmingly, at Angela and gestured, "Please, sit down."

The two Rizzolis eyed each other speculatively before sitting on opposite ends of the couch. "Thanks for ... letting me do this, Dr. Adler," Jane sighed. She caught glimpse of a Kleenex box in a corner, near where she'd thrown it weeks before, and smiled.

"You're welcome. Have you told your- hmm, no. Angela, what did Jane tell you?"

Surprised, Angela blurted, "You're not gonna ask her how she feels?"

Dr. Adler shook his head. "I'm already aware how Jane feels. How you feel is a matter to discuss a little later."

The 'oh' was soft and confused. "Janie didn't tell me much. Just that she's been seeing you about stuff." Angela eyed her daughter carefully. "And that it was her idea, not something she was ordered to do."

Nodding, Dr. Adler leaned back and laced his fingers together. "That's all correct." His eyes flicked to Jane in what she now knew to be silent admonishment of using the term 'stuff' to describe her therapy.

"Come on," groaned Jane. "It's hard to explain big concepts."

"You know where to start," he pointed out.

Jane nodded and looked at her hands for a moment. "Ma, have you ever had stuff in your head that was so big you couldn't really see it, and it scared you, but you knew it was right, if you could only understand it?" When her mother didn't answer right away, Jane dared to glance.

Surprisingly (or perhaps not), an expression of deep understanding covered her mother's face. As if Angela too had been at that sort of crossroads. "I... Yes. Honey, everyone feels that way sometimes." Angela looked at Dr. Adler for confirmation and he nodded ever so slightly. "You can always talk to me about that stuff..."

Jane's lips quirked into a smile when her mother used the word 'stuff' and she shot Arthur a 'so there' look, to which he did not respond. "I want to, Ma, but ... it's big and scary and no, I'm not pregnant," she added, quickly.

Angela snorted, "I knew that."

"Um. Okay, Jane First. Right." Jane took a deep breath. "Ma, you love me, right?"

"Of course!" No hesitation. That felt good.

"And you'd love me if I never got married, right?"

Now there was a pause and Jane felt her gut tighten. "Janie... I want you to be happy. I want you to be loved, and... I want you to be with someone. It's not good to be alone all the time. But. I can understand if you didn't want to get married."

Jane blinked. "Really?"

"Oh, honey, look at me and your father! Everyone said that would last forever, and now I'm alone and he's with that hussy!" With an explosive sigh, Angela slumped and shook her head, looking like Jane. "If you and some guy want to live together and not get married, well, Carla Talucci can shut it. You're still my baby."

Twisting her hands, Jane started to rub her scars until Dr. Adler discretely made a 'hm' noise. "About babies..."

"Sweetie, I love you more than life itself, but I swear to God, if you give me a granddaughter out of wedlock..."

Somehow, Angela's adamant stance on marriage when it came to babies felt like a relief. Her mother was still her mother. "I don't want to have kids, ma."

Angela sighed again. "I hate that you're a cop, Janie."

"What? Ma! It's not that!"

"What? You think it's not cause you see people die all the time, and you think you can't bear it if it's your own baby?" Angela's voice caught. "Every time I hear that a police officer was shot, I think about you and Frankie Jr. ... And ... it's worse with you and your brother."

"How did you ever let us go, Ma?" whispered Jane, touching on her own fears of her potential children.

Surprisingly, Angela laughed. "With you? I didn't have a choice. Soon as you could walk, you were off on your own path. Always so determined." It was with fondness that Angela reached over to touch Jane's knee. "Your brothers, the neighbor kids, they'd tease you, and you never backed down, you just did what you wanted. I was always so proud of you. I wish I'd been that brave."

Well that was one way to rock Jane's world. "How come its so hard to do that now?" she asked, semi-rhetorically.

Dr. Adler opened his mouth to reply, but Angela beat him to it. "It gets harder when you get older, honey. We get used to doing things and forget."

With a shrug, Dr. Adler remained silent. He seemed content to let Angela do his job. "Why am I paying you again?" Jane shot, in undertone, at him. "Ma, I'm ... I'm here cause I'm trying to do what I want and ... I'm scared."

Now Angela was surprised, and she grabbed for Jane's near hand, squeezing it with maternal love. "I'm right here, you don't have to be scared."

Squeezing the hand back, Jane tried to swallow in a dry mouth. "What if it's not with a guy, Ma?"

"What's not?" asked Angela, abruptly confused.

"You want me to be happy, and with someone. What if the someone isn't a guy?"

"Honey, a lot of best friends live together. I was thinking about moving in with Carla, but she doesn't want to leave her house, and it's too big-"

"Ma! Not like... Laverne and Shirley. I mean like ... Like ..."

"Will and Grace?" suggested Angela.

"No, like ... Like Modern Family!"

Angela blinked a few times. "Like Ellen?" Her voice was a whisper, but she never let go of Jane's hand, not even when Jane nodded. Mother and daughter stared at their joined hands and Angela snorted, "Why aren't there more lesbians on TV? Oh! I know, like Callie and Arizona! You could still get married and have a baby!"

It was, to put it mildly, not the reaction Jane had expected. "No babies, Ma! I don't want one. Or two, or any."

"You say that now-" started Angela, but now, finally, Dr. Adler cut in.

"Angela, I believe Jane feels the information she's revealed deserves a little more recognition."

When Angela looked confused, Jane explained, "He means ... Ma, are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, that I might be ... gay?"

Angela squeezed Jane's hands. "Did I ever tell you I dropped Frankie on his head when he was a baby?"

"What? No!"

"I put him in his little bouncy chair, but I didn't buckle him. I went to get his food, looked back and he was on the floor, crying, with a dent in his head." Angela shuddered in memory. "I left you at Carla's and took him to the ER."

Jane made a private note to tease Frankie about that. In private. "But he's okay, Ma."

"We didn't know he would be. There was always a chance he'd be ... Disabled. And I promised, no matter what, I would love him however he turned out. He was my baby," she gave Jane's hand a squeeze at this point. "You, Jane, are always going to be my baby too. And no matter what, I'm gonna love you. You understand?"

"I think so, Ma."