Twenty-Seventh Session

"Now Ma's trying to set me up with girls and guys," muttered Jane, tossing a baseball back and forth with Dr. Adler.

Catching the ball, Adler chuckled, "Well you told her you might be gay."

"Stupid Giovanni. He blabbed all over at my reunion that me and Maura were a couple..." She caught the ball as it was tossed back. "I told you that, right?"

"Yes, and about how you ogled her cleavage at a gay bar."

"... I get the feeling you're trying to tell me something, doc." Jane mimed hurtling the ball at here doctor before tossing it back underhand.

"Just that the odds are in your favor that your friends and family already suspect this, and have prepared themselves." He gestured towards the outside world with the ball. "Your mother."

Jane sighed, "It's cool, but it's weird. I thought... I dunno, I thought since we're Catholic, you know?"

"It was a possibility. But you have remarkable strength of character, Jane. You draw people to you, and they find it hard to leave."

With a snort she tossed the ball back and forth a few more times. "Okay, riddle me this. How come my ... Relationships go down like the Titanic?"

"Either you do it to yourself, or they're the wrong person."

"Did you get a degree in stating the obvious, or something?"

Dr. Adler smiled, "As my older daughter would say, well duh. I'm reaffirming what you already know."

"You can lead a Jane to water," sighed Jane, holding the ball. "I draw people to me?"

"Yes."

"Seriously?"

"Look at you and Maura."

"I like this better'n looking at me and Dean."

"We'll get back to Dean. Look at how Maura willingly opened her house to you when you were terrified? And how she breaks her rules for you. You drew her to you, made her willing to change her nature, somewhat, for you. I believe you got her to drink beer and eat a spucky."

Jane grinned and nodded, tossing the ball back. "Yeah, but I changed too. I mean, I dress nicer, I do yoga..." She trailed off and nearly missed the ball when Arthur tossed it back. "Crap. She got me a tortoise."

"Compare that to Dean," suggested Dr. Adler.

"Ew, do I have to?" They looked at each other for a minute, and finally Jane sighed and tossed the ball again. "Okay. He wanted me to change for him. Maura never really asked, she just kinda wormed in and did it."

"Did you try to change Dean? Or Casey?"

"... No."

"But you did try to change Maura."

"... I guess..."

"Why?"

"She... Well she seemed more, uh, responsive? No, that's not right. Receptive. Like it was okay to do." Jane frowned and shook the ball, "Wait, if you're trying to say Maura's already ... uh, there. Here. Whatever! If you're telling me you think Maura's good to go with gay, how come she keeps setting me up with men? I mean, Jorge, Dean, Casey... Even that baseball guy, when she gave me her dress and shoes..." When she ruined a pair of perfectly good shoes for Jane. And wore Jane's clothes. And looked damn hot. And was hit on by women, and was pleased with that result. "If she wants me how come she sets me up with guys?"

"Heteronormative."

"Hetero what?"

"Heteronormative behavior. You have, for many years, expressed yourself as heterosexual. Our society is skewed towards it, so it would be a safe assumption that, if someone makes no attempt to show themselves otherwise, that they are heterosexual. It's a default setting."

"You mean I acted straight?"

"More or less."

"But of she wanted, uh, wow, me, why not try to flip me?"

"You don't get a toaster," sighed Dr. Adler.

"Funny."

"Do you remember what we talked about before? About what you wanted?"

"Uh, is this the one about how we all need someone to love us for who we are?"

"It starts there, yes."

When the doctor grew silent, Jane frowned and tried to recall the conversation. "She wants me to be happy?" A nod. "And ... She was willing to sacrifice herself for ... Me?" Another nod. "Wow." They tossed the ball a few more times, while Jane processed that. "What do I do now?"

"What do you want?"

The answer on her tongue wasn't the right one, and she knew it, "I hate it when she dates guys. I hated Garret, and Slucky, and Giovanni, and ... God, my freakin' brother." Jane stopped abruptly. "She didn't want to risk our friendship... She actually said she loves me."

"And how did you feel when she said she wouldn't date your brother because she liked him, but she loved you?"

"Relieved. Like ... Like I felt when Korsak ... Like I was saved."

Jane held the ball and stared across the room at her doctor.

Thirty-Fourth Session (Impromptu)

"Hello?"

"I'm totally freaking out, Doc! I screwed everything up!"

"Jane? It's three in the morning... Hang on."

Fighting the urge to babble, Jane waited through the sounds of someone getting out of bed, closing and opening doors, and finally, only slightly more awake, asking her what had happened. "We went out, you know, totally normally, like we always do. She was complaining that her date flaked for this play, opera thing, so I said I'd go. She had this big fancy date night planned for the guy, I guess, so we had awesome seats, and she explained everything to me. All freakin' night long, she's whispering in my ear. At the intermission, she had these fancy box dinners, and we sat in this secluded spot, eating, drinking, and I just ... Blurted it out." There was no comment. "Doc?"

"Blurted what out?" he asked, a little blearily.

"That I was falling in love with her," blurted Jane again. "God, don't fall asleep!"

Dr. Adler made a soft 'huh' sound. "What did she say?"

Jane groaned, "The lights flashed, and she said we had to go back to our seats for the second half."

Again there was a little silence. "And...?"

"And what? She kept translating everything for me, explaining stuff. Then we caught taxis home."

"Alone, I presume?"

"I totally screwed up and scared her off!" complained Jane.

Muttering something like 'I doubt it.' the doctor sighed. "Jane, you dropped a bomb on her, let her process."

"I thought- you said she liked me, liked me!"

"I said she probably did, based on your recollection of previous encounters." His doctor-speak was hindered by a yawn. "It's still new to her that you might reciprocate."

"Oh. So ... What do I do?"

Dr. Adler was quiet for a moment. "Do you need me to come over right now, Jane?" he asked, quietly, without making her feel like him coming over would be a burden on him.

The use of the word 'need' caught Jane's attention, "Want, yes... I think I can wait a couple days."

"I think I have an opening tomorrow afternoon."

"Nah, I got court."

"You went out all night with Maura the day before a court appearance?"

"Stop judging me." They both chuckled a little. "No, I think... I'm freaking out, but you're right. I should just ... Be patient." Dr. Adler made one of his little noises to indicate agreement. "Can I send her flowers?"

"Huh. So long as you can keep the card friendly and not all ... Uh, datey, yes."

Jane smirked. "Nice. Real professional there, Doc."

"It's three in the morning, Jane," whined the doctor.

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. This is part of what you pay for, Jane."

"I know, it's just ... Thank you, Arthur."

"You're welcome. Think you can sleep?"

"I may vacuum my apartment first."

"God have mercy on your neighbors."

Thirty-Fifth Session

It was a repeat of their first session, as Jane sat in uncomfortable silence. Dr. Adler simply sat there, waiting, after they had exchanged the usual pleasantries. "It's not Maura," sighed Jane, finally.

"You caught a case?"

"Woman killed her husband."

"So you solved it?"

Jane shook her head. "We did, but it's messy. Turns out the husband was beating her, so if she did kill him, it may be justified and she'll get a lighter sentence."

"If?"

"She says she didn't do it. Evidence says she did."

"And by evidence you mean...?"

"Yeah. We got kind of shouty today." Jane wrapped her arms around herself and sighed. "I hate when we fight. More than I hate when me and Korsak fight."

"Do you fight with her a lot?"

"No... Not really. She frustrates me a lot less than she did two years ago. She's... I dunno, I find it awesome now. I mean, I love how smart she is, and how she can just Wikipedia or Google mouth anything at the drop of a hat. But sometimes she gets so locked in she won't look at motive, or meaning."

"Perhaps that's what drew her to you."

"Cause I'm so emotional?"

Dr. Adler leaned forward, retesting his elbows on his knees. "Maura's reserved. Guarded. Would that be right?" Jane nodded. "And you are...?"

"Volatile?"

"I was going for passionate, but that too."

"So ... Because I'm passionate I pick fights with her?"

"In part," agreed Dr. Adler. "But where Maura retreats into, ah, facts and science when confronted with the uncomfortable, like a disagreement with her best friend, you charge headlong in, with volume. I suspect your mother's the same way."

"God, you don't even know. Ma... Never mind. Okay." Jane pushed her hair out of her face, "I only fight with her about stuff that matters."

"Does the case matter more than you?"

"Oh no, not this. I know, Jane First, but this is ... my job. No, it's more than my job, it's my life. This is who I am and what I do. I love this. I can't do anything but this."

"Even at the risk of your friendship?"

Resolutely, Jane shook her head. "No. Maura wouldn't pull that crap. She knows how I feel about this."

"So you're not worried about your friendship?"

"God, no. I'm just ... I just don't like it."

"Perhaps you should try another tactic, then, when disagreeing with Maura at work."

"Yeah," grumbled Jane, agreeing. "I just can't get her to look... I know what the evidence says. It just feels wrong. Like she's not telling us something. And that's an important thing..."

Arthur rubbed his chin, where a patchy shadow of hair was growing. "Have you spoken with the departmental psychiatrist?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "She's an idiot." Then Jane grinned. "Listen, is it against rules for me to ask you to look at my case?"

"Look at the case or the suspect?"

"Both."

Now it was the doctor's turn to lean back and think, "It might be awkward for you, if someone were to ask you how you knew me."

Waving it aside, Jane pointed out, "You were suggested to me."

"Really? I may owe my sister a favor..."

"Denise, actually. Denise Kendrick."

"Hmm. Well, if you're alright with it, the so am I."

A burden was lifted off Jane and she relaxed, "Great, but you gotta shave first."

"Everyone's a critic."

Thirty-Sixth Session

"Is it really almost a year?" blinked Jane.

"Four months, so we're two thirds there."

"Wow, I thought I'd give up before now."

"How do you feel?"

"Oh, now you ask." She laughed and looked above Arthur's head. "I feel okay. Actually, I feel really good."

"How's Maura?"

Jane suddenly blushed like a teenager. "Um. We talked." Her doctor only murmured a 'good,' offering no other commentary. "After the case, we went out for beers, us and the guys, and they left so it was just me and Maura, hanging out." Jane toyed with the seam of her jacket. "And I just asked her. Told her. Um, I said, if I'd made her uncomfortable, after the opera, I'd understand."

"And she said?"

"She said I didn't, it was just something she ought to take seriously." At their booth, Maura had lightly covered Jane's hand with her own as she spoke. "So I asked if she wanted to go out together, just her and me, on a date. And, um, she said yes." It was the way Dr. Adler looked at her that made Jane sigh. "Okay, there was more to it."

"I am not surprised."

"We went back to my place, to talk in kinda more private. And she asked me what brought it up. On..." As Jane faltered, Dr. Adler made an encouraging noise. "So I told her I was, am, seeing a shrink about stuff. She made the same face you do when I used 'stuff' by the way, is that a doctor thing?"

Dr. Adler smiled. "We spend a disproportionate amount of our lives looking for, and using, precise words."

"That's what she said," sighed Jane. "Anyway, I said I started seeing you about eight months ago, because I had all these thoughts and feelings and they were getting all jumbled up, and I didn't really know what it all meant. She said she was sorry she couldn't help me through that, and I had to point out she was the, uh, the reason why I was having them in the first place." At least Maura had the grace to look chagrined at that moment. "Because I was thinking, before I came to see you, Doc, that all that stuff we're supposed to find in someone else, I'd found in her, and ... And I was falling in love with you. Her!"

The doctor smiled gently. "Don't worry, I understood what you meant."

"So did she, I think, except she asked me what I meant when I said I loved her!"

"What did you say?"

"That I didn't think I'd actually been in love with anyone before, like I feel about her."

Quirking an eyebrow, Dr. Adler pointed out the obvious. "A romantic sentiment."

"You suck, did you know that?" snapped Jane, though without rancor. The smile on her doctor's face assured her that he was okay with it. "But it's true, you know? I did what you said, I looked back and thought about all the silly crushes I've had, and how I tried to make myself someone else to be with them, but ... It's natural with Maura. It's exactly ... We fit. And I just want to be happy with her, as more than just my best friend."

"Did you tell her that?"

"Yeah."

"Given you've told me about the happy ending to this conversation, I take it went well?"

"Not at first," admitted Jane, wanting to skip over the next bit, and knowing Arthur would pick at it and lay it open so they could examine what the hell Jane's brain was thinking. "She said she cared about me more than a friend, or at least she thought. She kinda doesn't have a lot of friends, so she went to see a shrink too! Not you... I think?"

"No. If I'd had both of you as patients, I'd hand one of you off to someone else. Unless you were in couples counseling." Looking speculative, Dr. Adler shook his head. "Cart before the horse. She's seeing a psychiatrist as well?"

"Yeah, not because of me, she's been seeing one for years. But apparently I'm confusing. She said if I was a guy, we'd've already had intercourse." Both Jane and Arthur made a half annoyed face. "Yeah, she talks like that. But she's right, and I told her that. I mean, I haven't really gotten to where I'm really thinking I'll get to have sex with her, but ... Um. I wanna. Oh and I said that was because of heteronormative behavior!"

"I bet she appreciated that," grinned Arthur.

"She did! She laughed and said that was how people normally look at things, and she assumed I was straight, because I didn't make a pass at her. Lots of women do, she told me."

"How did that make you feel?"

"How come you waited till thirty freakin' weeks in to start asking that one?" Jane found it impossible to not roll her eyes.

Dr. Adler shrugged. "You had to get to a place where telling me your feelings was safe, comfortable. And you did." He gestured with one hand and Jane sighed.

She did feel safe here, like it was okay to say anything, and Dr. Arthur Adler wouldn't judge her for it. Which was the point of it. Later, Jane would have to ask how come he was so much better than the shrinks she'd seen after Hoyt, and Marino, and Hoyt again. "I felt ... Jealous. Not as angry as the guys she dates, but I never met any of the girls."

"She dates women?" The non-judgmental tone carried over to questions about Maura too. This time, Jane picked up easily that he was just wondering how she verified that factoid.

"Yeah, she said she does, but she didn't often, and she didn't tell me cause..." There Jane stopped. "She knows I'm cool with gay. I mean, we worked a case, but she said there's a difference with gay over there, and gay in the bed with you." Knowing Arthur knew that Jane and Maura had, platonically, shared a bed together before, Jane continued without pause. "I told her I was okay with her being gay, or bi, or pansexual, or asexual, or anything at all, but I really hoped she was at least into-me-sexual."

That won a grin from Dr. Adler. "Well said."

Jane grinned back, but the elation quickly fell. "She said she was, and asked what i identified ... Uh. I said I didn't know, but that I knew I was in love with her." Jane swallowed. "She said she didn't want to be my experiment."

"Ah."

Oh how Jane hated that 'ah' sound. How the hell did he manage to put so many layers into that one, quiet, sound? Stupid doctor. "How the hell could I answer that one? I mean, really, isn't everyone an experiment? You don't know it's gonna work out, so you take a chance and sometimes it does and sometimes, most of the time, it doesn't. But isn't it all kinda an experiment?"

"I take it you didn't tell her that?"

Jane shook her head. "Didn't think of it in time. I kind of stammered. A lot. And she got this real sad smile and said to tell her when I knew." It wasn't till Maura was at the door that Jane had found the words she'd said to Dr. Adler weeks before. "I told her I couldn't know, but I'd rather find out with her than anyone else."

Clearly Dr. Adler remembered that conversation and nodded. "And?"

"And she said she just wanted me to be sure what I wanted. So ... I told her I wanted to be happy, and loved by someone who wanted me to be happy. Who cared about me. And ... who felt about me the way I felt about you... Her. Maura." Very clearly, Jane remember Maura pressing her palm to the door, and that soft little 'oh' that she barely breathed. And Maura looked back over her shoulder, studying Jane's face with a delicate smile, almost shyly, seeing something there. Something that made her turn around and lean against the door, purse clutched to her stomach. Jane had been taken by the moment, and desperately wanted to jump up and kiss Maura, as if that could make it all better. And she told that to Dr. Adler.

Affected by the romance, the doctor smiled. "And then you asked her out?" Jane nodded, feeling the awkward grin on her face. "And she said yes?" Another nod from Jane. "So where are you taking her?"

"Saturday night, we're going to Toscano's." It wasn't super fancy, but it also wasn't a place Maura would pick on her own. And the food was awesome. "I dunno what to wear," she added, abruptly. "Oh, god, Maura usually helps me dress for dates! I'm gonna have to ask Ma!"

Thirty-Seventh Session

"I kissed her!" announced Jane, all but bounding into the room.

"The date went alright, I take it," Dr. Adler remarked, dryly.

"Jerk." Jane dropped into the couch and sighed, happily. "It went awesome. I picked her up, cleaned my car like you suggested, and paid for valet parking. We had a great table, private, and awesome food."

"What did you talk about?"

"Kind of the same as we used to. Except not about guys. A little work stuff, I know it's not date topics, but we work together! Then we just ... it was normal. I mean, we were us, but actually seriously flirty. When I told her she looked amazing, she got this really adorable blush and a cute smile, and ... I felt all warm." Now Jane blushed, suddenly feeling like she revealed too much.

Dr. Adler politely ignored that. "What did you wear?"

"A dress." When the doctor raised his eyebrows, Jane rolled her eyes. "I do own them. And Maura told me I looked gorgeous in it, before, so ... I mean it's that or the blue dress she got me to invade the Fairfields. The lbd seemed like a better choice." That had been the argument with her mother, who thought the blue dress was sexier. "Besides, all my pantsuits are for work. I don't have any dressy ones." And that was going to have to change.

"So your mother helped you?"

"Yeah, how weird is that? Soon as I told her it was Maura, she came over with her fancy jewelry from her mother." Most of the jewelry had been horrible inappropriate, but finally they'd decided on a bracelet and matching necklace of pearls, that Jane's grandfather had brought home from Europe, after WWII. "She likes Maura, and said if I was gonna date her, I had to not screw that up. It's ... She's never liked any of the guys I dated. Hated Casey. Always called him 'Charles.' But Maura's okay."

"Her approval feels nice?"

"Nice? Real scientific there, Art." They shared a grin. "It's weird. I know I said that before, but it is! All of the sudden it's like I'm really important."

"You always were, Jane."

"I know that in my head, but... Now I feel it. Because we're on the same page, I guess. It's like. We agree on the big stuff, and she gets me."

"Telling her first, and letting her see the struggle you've been having, probably helped that," he remarked.

That sounded about right, and Jane nodded. "I'll buy that."

"So dinner went well. Good."

"Oh yeah! So dinner, afterwards we took a little walk, the long way back to the car, and held hands. Didn't really talk much, just ... We just were." It was a good thing the night had been so mild. "Then I drove her home, and I could tell, I totally knew she was getting annoyed cause I hadn't made a move, right? I mean, it was a pretty platonic date, same as always except that we both said it was a date. So I get to her place, walk her to the door, said I had a great night. Then I kissed her." Smugly, Jane crossed her arms.

"I hope she kissed back," drawled Dr. Adler, amused.

"You bet she did. As soon as I leaned in, so did she, and ... Bam."

"Do we need to compare this to kissing Dean or Casey?"

"Not even possible," Jane stated, firmly. "You know that bit in the end of the Princess Bride? Where the grandpa's describing the ten best kisses, and how Westley and Buttercup's blew them all away?" When her doctor nodded, Jane went on. "They're gonna have to settle for second place now."

Of all things, Dr. Adler laughed. The more Jane grinned at him, the worse it got, and Jane could hardly keep from the giggles herself. Finally she decided not to, and they both were laughing. Just like tears of joy, this was clearly a case of joyful laughter. No other outlet felt appropriate. "I trust you didn't use that comparison on Maura," chuckled Arthur, finally getting his feet back under himself.

"Naw, I said goodnight, walked to my car, made sure she locked the door and went home."

"And had a voicemail when you got home?"

"A text. How did you know?"

He shrugged. "If someone kissed me like that, Jane, I'd be setting up the next date."

"It's not too needy? I always worried about that with guys, you know. How long do you wait to call and say you had a great time and want to do it again. Not that I've had a lot of those," she admitted.

"There's no set rule, but if you're happy she called, or texted, and she's happy about the date, don't worry. What did she text?"

Jane held the phone out. Had a lovely time. This is not my follow up, Jane. It's my turn next. "She asked me out yesterday, so I guess it's her turn to be ... the guy?"

"As it were. Did you tell your mother?"

"The next day, Ma called cause I didn't spend the night. She lives in Maura's guest house."

"Can't see the front door, I take it?"

"Pool's in the way." And thank god for small favors. "I liked kissing. It was great."

The doctor smiled, "It's really nice to see you this happy, Jane."

With a big sigh, Jane nodded, "It's nice to feel happy. This is … super big happy." She looked away for a second, "Except now I have to think about sex."

"Then let's talk about sex."