Chapter Thirty-Nine

Seishirou found him by the riverbank. "I wasn't expecting you to wake up so soon. The transformation usually exhausts new vampires for half a day."

Syaoran said nothing, still staring at black slits of his pupils. He'd been kneeling by the puddle for almost an hour now, and the worst of his panic had faded. Now, there was only a deep, aching guilt to occupy him.

"Little Wolf? Are you ready to go back?" The older man's voice sounded oddly strained, as if he was holding back some emotion. "Time is of the essence, you know."

"She's dead, isn't she? That woman you brought me." Souma, her name was Souma.

For a long time, Seishirou didn't answer. "It's not your fault. You weren't in control of yourself."

Not in control. In the puddle, he saw his frown deepen. I was never in control, not even when I was human. I couldn't keep the Other from betraying everyone. I couldn't keep my mouth shut after a few shots. I can't even control my dreams. "When will I be in control?" he asked, hearing the dead quality of his own voice. "When will I ever be in control of myself?"

Again, there was a pause before Seishirou answered. "I can teach you how to control the thirst. I can teach you how to keep your prey alive."

"Don't call her that."

"Who?"

"She had a name. Souma. I knew another version of her, once, back in Outo. And I still couldn't stop myself from killing her."

"Control isn't a facet of vampire nature—"

Syaoran leapt to his feet, turning around so fast the scenery actually blurred. In a quarter of a second, he stood half a foot from his teacher's face. "When? How long until I can control myself? How long until the blood doesn't cloud my judgment? How long until I can see my friends without wanting to rip their throats out? How . . . How long . . ." He took a shaky breath, the sudden fervor fading as fast as it had come.

Seishirou sighed and rested a hand on each of his shoulders. "You're not just talking about the blood, are you?"

He looked away.

Another quiet sigh. "The first step to controlling yourself is to keep your emotions in check. No more running off in a panic because you think you've done something wrong. Come to me when you need to talk about things."

"You weren't there." No one is ever there. Not Seishirou, not anyone.

No, that's not true, part of him argued. Kurogane-san was always there. He would've listened, if you'd just told him what was bothering you . . . He frowned, then realized he was doing the opposite of what Seishirou had just told him. But I can't tell Seishirou all that and expect him to accept it. He's right about one thing: I can't go back to the others, not after what happened in Infinity. He remembered feeling Fai's claws rip open his heart, remembered the half-furious, half-shocked look on Kurogane's face, remembered everything fading out, like a half-forgotten dream.

More painful that all of that, he remembered the tears in Sakura's eyes when he'd told her he was leaving. I should have stayed, he thought. She wanted me to stay, she really did. I could've endured all the rest, so long as she wanted me there. But it's too late now. They think I'm dead. When they find out I'm not, they'll just think I'm a traitor.

"What are you feeling now?" Seishirou asked, his voice unusually serious.

He hesitated. "I'm . . . I miss them." It wasn't a lie so much as an omission. He missed them, missed Sakura, but he also felt guilty for missing them. I don't deserve to see their faces again, not after killing someone . . .

Seishirou nodded, looking hurt. "That's normal. You just have to remember, you're better off with me. I understand you in a way they never will. Blind in one eye, a vampire . . ."

"Fai-san was all those things, too."

"The magician tried to kill you. Why are you defending him?"

Syaoran fought the rush of hurt those words caused him, but he wasn't sure if it was the words alone, or the fact that Fai really had tried to kill him that caused him pain. "No, but . . . No."

"Good. Now let's go. There's nothing for us in this world."

He nodded once, letting the emotion drain out his body. I will learn self-control before I see them again. "Right."

It had been five days since they'd visited Seishirou's apartment, and their little group had fallen into an uneasy pattern.

Kurogane busied himself sharpening Souhi at the kitchen table. He'd already polished the fine blade, being careful as always not to cut himself as he ran the wet rag across the edge. It had been years since he'd cut himself on one of his own weapons, and he intended to keep it that way.

Across the living room, Fai's door was open—just a few inches, but the small gap meant a lot of different things. Kurogane knew it was partly an invitation, allowing anyone with an interest to speak to the magician to enter without fear of reprimand. He also knew that the small size of the crack meant the wizard didn't want to force his company on everyone else in the living room, if he could help it.

Sakura's door was closed. As far as he knew, it had been closed with only brief interruptions when she'd come out to fetch something from the refrigerator, or go to the bathroom. Even so, he suspected those trips only occurred when the need exceeded her grief, far less often than they ought to occur.

Souhi was in better condition than ever. Polished, sharpened, and cared for, it looked fresh from the forge. He'd spent more time in the past few days cleaning it than he had in the rest of the time since he'd bought it in Outo.

He tried not to consider the fact that the careful polishing was a result of his newfound free time.

Sakura's door opened with a faint click, and she stepped out. She walked over the refrigerator. If he listened clearly, he could hear the metal joints of her leg brace sliding around as she moved.

He moved on to Souhi's scabbard, wiping it down with a fresh cloth. When Sakura set a cup of coffee down in front of him, he glanced up.

"I need to talk to you about something," the princess said, taking a seat across from him. She took a small sip from her own mug, stalling.

Isn't this supposed to be the mage's job? he wondered. Though, the mage wasn't exactly on good terms with anybody at the moment, least of all the princess.

He sighed. "What is it?"

"Will you teach me how to use a sword?"

It was one of the few times in his life Kurogane was actually shocked speechless. A dozen thoughts flitted through his mind, too fast to decipher, but all carrying the same note of disbelief. Why would she want to learn how to use a sword?

He sat there for several minutes, his cup of coffee all but forgotten in front of him. Slowly, his mind began to function normally again. It's the same, he thought. The kid said exactly the same thing back in Outo. They'd been drunk at the time, but with two cups of coffee between them, this exchange was eerily similar.

I can't just take on another student, he thought. Not after I failed the last one. He'd avoided mentioning it after their return, avoided thinking about it. It hadn't occurred to him that any of the others would move on to the point where he would have to think about it, at least not so soon. "No."

Surprise flashed across the princess's face. "You won't train me?"

"No." How could he explain it to her? It wasn't as if he was incapable of taking on another student, or even unwilling, but it was too fucking soon.

Her surprise turned to desperation. "I would be a good student. I'd work hard every day, and I'd never complain—"

"No! I'm not taking on another student."

Her eyes dropped to the table. For several minutes, she said nothing, sipping her coffee as if the bitter liquid was distasteful to her. Kurogane went back to caring for Souhi's scabbard, folding the washcloth and cleaning out the crevices. She needs some way to defend herself, part of him thought. But she has magic of her own, and she can go to the mage to figure it out.

No, she can't. The thought came unbidden, but it sent a pang of guilt through him. She can't even bring herself to look at him, how can she ask him about magic? Besides, it might not be the same kind of magic at all. Her powers are mostly passive, out of her control. The mage would have to go out of his way to do magic.

The princess set her cup of coffee down with a loud plink. "Syaoran said something to me, before he left. Something he wanted to pass on to you." From the way her eyes flickered to Fai's door, he guessed "you" meant everyone.

"What did he say?" he asked quietly.

"He wanted me to tell you how sorry he was for leaving."

Kurogane caught the significance behind the apology immediately. "He knew there was a chance he wasn't coming back."

"I didn't realize. I thought he was apologizing for going to Seishirou. I thought he was afraid we were going to hate him for going." A slight tremor rocked her voice. "I should've known better, but . . ."

"Stop that," he grumbled. "There isn't a single one of us who isn't at fault for this, so stop crying like you've got to carry the burden on your own."

"There was something else he said." She was back to the calm, almost emotionless tone she'd been using this whole time.

Another thing? How far ahead did he plan this? "What?"

"He said I needed to know how to defend myself, in case he didn't come back, so . . ."

"That's why you want me to teach you." It wasn't a question.

"Yes."

He sighed. What else can I do? It's not like it's going to get any easier from here. "Sword fighting isn't something you pick up in a day. A few lessons aren't going to keep you safe. Do you even realize what kind of commitment this is?"

She winced. "Yes."

"And you still want to go through with it?"

Her response was emphatic. "Yes!"

Wow, way to give in, he thought to himself, rolling his eyes. "We'll start tomorrow."