Thank you so much for all the encouragement and reviews! I am definitely going to continue this story, I have most of what's left planned out, maybe about ten or so more chapters left. I hope your New Year's was lovely and that your midnight kiss was phenomenal :) I spent my night in an Irish pub, requesting that an Irish Folk Band play Genesis songs (I blame the beer).

As usual, I don't own skins or have anything to do with it.

Chapter 19: Gone

I woke up earlier than usual the next morning, partly due to sadness and partly because Emily was lying half on top of me and I couldn't breathe. I'd probably had the worst sleep I'd ever had lying next to Emily that night – fitful and full of nightmares that weren't scary but heartbreaking instead.

"Em," I whispered as I rolled over onto my side, forcing Emily to roll off me and lie on her back. I kissed her neck, her full lips until I felt her start to wake up and respond to me.

"Naoms, it's so early..."

I silenced her with my lips as my hands grazed over her breasts, thumbs flicking over her nipples. She moaned into my kiss, her hands moving up my neck and threading through my hair. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, but I wasn't sure if it was mine or Emily's. She pulled away from me, her head falling onto my shoulder, her lips touching my neck.

"I don't want to leave you," she whispered against my skin as I took her clothes off. I shook my head and kissed her hair.

"It's okay," I whispered as she began to take my clothes off as well.

I sat up, pulling her up on to her knees to mimic how I was sitting. Her fingers slipped inside me at the same time I slipped my own fingers into her.

Coming together like that, looking into her eyes as she came undone and knowing that she was seeing the same thing on my own face...it was all so powerfully sad. It felt more like a goodbye than I realized at the time.

Katie came and picked Emily up to take her to the train station since I didn't think I'd be able to watch her get on the train. Luckily, Katie brought Effy with her when she came to pick Ems up, so I got to spend the day crying and watching crappy romantic comedies with Effy.

"You alright, Eff?" I asked as Effy handed me the box of tissues after we finished watching Remember Me.

She shrugged and sat down next to me, bringing her legs up in front of her. "Yeah, I suppose so. Oddly enough, I don't miss Freddie as much as I thought I would..." she sighed. "I just never thought I'd be here. Unable to have kids, and not being with Freddie but being with Katie instead. Not that there's anything wrong with Katie. I dunno...so many things have changed in so little time. It's overwhelming.

"I never thought I wanted kids," she said as I nodded, clearly remembering the numerous times Effy had mentioned how much she hated children. "But if I never wanted them, then why do I feel like I'm incomplete now that I can't have them? Maybe I did want kids, but just not now. Maybe ten years from now. A few weeks ago, I could see myself in a house with a backyard and a swing set and some rugrats. Settling down, you know."

I nodded again and handed Effy the box of tissues. She was tearing up, but hadn't let a single tear fall. "You know, Naoms, it's scary when you think about it. I spent all my years as a teenager and a young adult trying to avoid getting pregnant and now I wish I hadn't been so close-minded. One month, you're fertile, the next month, you're not. If Katie and I stay together we can't ever have children of our own. I just...I wish I could get a do-over."

I had nothing to say to that because Effy had never said so many words all at once and to be honest, I was astonished. So I hugged her as tight as I could, like you would hug a small kid who had just learned about global warming and realized that one day, they were going to die. A small kid who was scared shitless of life.

I wanted to make a joke to lighten up the mood – something along the lines of loaning Effy an ovary or something like that. But it wasn't the time. There was no point in sugar coating Effy's reality. She could never have children. Her life would never be what she expected. And maybe she would never be able to feel complete again.

Right now, it sucked. But some day, it would be okay.

Emily didn't call me that day. I wasn't too worried since I didn't make her promise to call me as soon as she got into London, but I was a bit upset. We'd just said yesterday that we'd try to talk to each other every day, and I'd told her she could call me whenever, no matter what time it was.

"Stop sulking and eat your burrito," Effy said with her mouth full. We were on our sixth movie of the day, Moulin Rouge. "Emily will call you."

We went to sleep. She didn't call.

We woke up. She didn't call.

I worked on an article about Syria. She didn't call.

I edited my article about Syria. She didn't call.

Effy made pasta for dinner. She didn't call.

We watched another movie. She didn't call.

We went to bed. She didn't call.

She didn't call.

I don't know why.

Effy and I moved out a few days after Emily left. I still kept going over to Ems' flat to get her mail, which I'd give to Katie to pay since she had access to Emily's bank accounts.

Our new flat was great, definitely bigger than the old one. We had three bedrooms, though one was rather small for a bedroom and Effy and I ended up using it as a big office. We each had our own desks, and I loved being able to write somewhere that wasn't the kitchen table. Effy had her own room and ensuite, and I had my own room and ensuite, and the kitchen was big enough for both of us to be cooking at the same time. Our living room was currently empty since we couldn't decide where we wanted the couches and TV to go, so Effy had turned the whole room into a "meditation zone". She says meditating is the only way she manages not to kill me these days, since I've been a "right stroppy cow" since Emily left and dropped off the face of the earth. I tried to meditate with Effy once but she said I breathed too loud and nearly punched me because she couldn't get zen.

I had immersed myself in work and unpacking and reorganizing my room. But nothing stopped me from missing Emily. I kept myself busy during the day, but as soon as I got into bed at night, I'd cry and it wouldn't stop. I'd hide from myself all day long, but as soon as I would get into bed and I'd be all alone and my mind would start to wander, all I could think of was Emily. I'd tried to get in contact with her but my calls went straight to voicemail. I didn't know what went wrong. I didn't want to drag Katie into things, so I didn't ask her about Emily, I didn't even mention her whenever Katie was around.

I missed her immensely. I wanted to pack up my things and search for her in London, but if she wanted me there, she'd have answered my calls. She'd have called me. So I didn't try to find her. Because even if it wasn't with me, I wanted her to be happy.

I'M SORRY OKAY! Please understand that this is key to the plot, but be forewarned that the next few chapters are going to be like this.

Please let me know what you thought in a review - even if that thought was "OH MY GOD HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME THIS IS HORRIBLE"