Thanks so much to those of you who reviewed the last chapter! Special thanks to WhenAnxietyKicksIn who reviewed almost every single chapter! Your feedback was so useful and so greatly appreciated!

As usual, I do not own or have anything to do with Skins.

Chapter 29: Pretend

Emily

I sat down at the table just as Katie had told me to. Effy and Katie both looked tense, which had me worried since I'd only ever seen Effy looking bored or disinterested in what was going on around her.

"What is it?" I asked as I sat down and started eating the scrambled eggs on my plate. I wanted to pretend like I wasn't worried, or like I wasn't anticipating what they were about to tell me. Katie grabbed Effy's hand and gave her a silencing look.

"Well, it's about the whole...baby thing," Katie said, looking up at me nervously. I nodded and took a bite of my toast. It was exactly as I'd expected. I wasn't sure why she looked so nervous or why my toast was so dry, but I knew I didn't like either of those things. "Uh, Effy and I feel like we're not...quite ready...for a baby. The apartment is too sm-"

"We're not ready," Effy interrupted, now giving a silencing glare to Katie. "Our relationship is still really new and Katie hasn't told your mum yet and I haven't told my family yet. It's too soon to bring a baby into all of this confusion."

Katie nodded at Effy and looked over at me, concerned. I pushed my plate away from me and sighed. Acting as though I cared about things was getting harder and harder. I just couldn't do it anymore.

"Em, we don't think this is healthy for you, this whole baby obsession. Katie and I... we found out about the abortion," Effy said as she and Katie both leaned over to grab my hand, which was clasped in a tight fist on the table. This was one part of the conversation I definitely hadn't anticipated. "You're trying to replace the baby you lost, Em. But now you've lost so much more."

She didn't have to say what she meant; I knew exactly who she meant. As though I needed to be reminded! How could I possibly forget about losing her?

"Okay," I said, pulling my hand away from theirs and twisting my fingers together. I felt nervous and I didn't know why. My heart was beating really fast and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My vision went all spotty and I started hyperventilating. Nobody knew about the abortion other than my GP in London. I felt dirty and betrayed and exposed and so alone. The way they were looking at me, with such pity, it disgusted me. I didn't deserve their pity; I'd killed someone.

"Em, are you alright?" Katie asked as she got up from her seat and walked over to me. I nodded my head and she put her hand on my back, rubbing it in soothing circles. "It's okay to be upset. Nobody blames you, Em."

"Yeah, well, they fucking should," I said as I pushed myself away from the kitchen table and walked back into our old bedroom. I blamed myself for what happened to me – that much I knew with complete certainty. It was delusional of me, to think that I would finally get some kind of happy ending, to think that I deserved something like that after what I'd done. I had been so arrogantly happy.

I heard the front door open and frantic whispers as I grabbed a suitcase from our shared closet and started throwing my clothes in. I went into the bathroom and grabbed all of my toiletries and stole Naomi's shampoo and conditioner, stashing them away in my suitcase as well.

"Emily, what are you doing?" Katie screeched as she walked over and started pulling things out of my suitcase.

"I'm leaving for Paris early. There's no reason to stay here anymore," I said as I pulled my things out of Katie's hands and tossed them back into the suitcase.

"What about Naomi? You're just going to abandon her?" Katie said as she sat on my bed, completely taken aback that I was actually going through with this. I shrugged. Obviously I didn't want to abandon Naomi. This wasn't about her. I never ran away from a person, or something that had happened, let alone someone I loved as much as Naomi. I was always just trying to abandon myself.

"What about me?" She whispered so quietly I barely heard her. I looked back over my shoulder at her and saw tears in her eyes. I loved my twin, but I couldn't let her get to me. I had to get out of here now. I couldn't stand the person I'd become while I was here for a minute longer.

"I love you, Katie," I said as I continued throwing clothes in my suitcase. "You know that. But I have to leave."

I heard Katie sniffle as I started to zip up the suitcase. "You can't run forever, Emily."

"Look, Effy, I forgot my shampoo and conditioner and I'm too fucking broke to go out and buy some more! Just let me in the fucking bedroom!" Naomi yelled as she pushed through Effy into our bedroom. She was shocked at what she saw, and rightfully so. The bedroom was a mess; the bed was unmade, clothes littered the floor, there were towels over all our mirrors. It didn't look like the room Naomi and I had once shared.

I considered telling her that I stole her shampoo and conditioner, but decided not to.

"What are you doing?" Naomi asked, her voice delicate and scared. She gestured to the suitcase and turned to look at Effy and Katie questioningly before looking back at me.

"I...I'm leaving," I said, averting my gaze from hers as I began to walk out of the room, pulling the large suitcase behind me. I couldn't see her, not now. She was the one person who could make me stay, simply because I was a better Emily around her than I'd ever been before.

"Emily! Emily, wait!" Naomi called after me, her footsteps following closely behind my own. Her long legs got the better of me and she flung herself against the front door dramatically, blocking my exit.

"I know you think that what you're doing is right, and I understand that," She said quietly, her eyes searching my own desperately. I'm not sure what she was looking for, but I don't think she found it because her face became strong and set, but her eyes softened. "You need people who love you around you right now, Emily. You need Katie and Effy to help you. And if you want, I'll help you, too. I'll do whatever I can to help you, because I know you aren't okay. If I can't be your girlfriend, then let me just be your friend. Let me help you like a friend would. Don't push us away by leaving for Paris. Just...stay here." She whispered the last part of her speech, her eyes filling with tears. "Please, Em. Don't do this. Let me be your friend. Let me help you."

I looked up at her, and beneath all the love and hurt I saw in her face, I saw something else – pity. The realization hit me like a tonne of bricks – she knew.

"They told you about the abortion," I said, almost a whisper. She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes, her tears spilling down her cheeks as she nodded at me. I grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the door as gently as I could manage while she cried.

"I don't need you to be my friend, Naomi." I said icily. My mind was screaming out that I needed her to be so much more. I needed her to love me. I needed her to not know about the abortion. I'd never felt so ashamed.

I opened the door and marched through it, acting as though I knew what I was doing, like I was a responsible adult; on the inside I felt as though my heart was on fire.

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