(AN)-So I don't own Twilight...but for the past two weeks I've owned a menagerie of bs ranging from writer's block, to being sick, to having a shit ton of homework. Thank you for being so patient during my update fail.
When Life Gives You Lemons: Eat Them
Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die.
~Starlight, Muse
Chapter 9- Only Me
"This is why I don't like shopping with you, Rose. Why are we looking at soap right now? You have enough back at the house to clean a team of mud wrestlers for a month."
Rosalie turned around and gave me her 'Duh' face. "Yeah, but do I have any that are shaped like cupcakes? Look at this; it's the cutest thing ever!"
She held up the soap in question, which did indeed look like a decadently frosted cupcake. It was making me hungry. Turning away from the tempting visual, I played with a bar of soap that had a gorgeous, tie-dyed coloring to it. I had to admit it. The little privately owned shops in Forks had a sweet, almost nostalgic air to them. We had been roped inside the current store by the amusing name; Wicked Effin Natural Soaps. Once inside, we'd been greeted warmly by the owner. It felt like we were being invited into someone's home, not stepping into a trap where the goal was to get us to spend as much of our money as possible.
Rosalie adored the cupcake soap so much that she bought four, and got into a lengthy conversation with the owner about how the soap was made. I never thought that something as trivial as homemade soap would interest Rose. That just goes to show how she can even surprise people that have known her for years.
As we strolled back towards the car, we passed a small group of teenagers frolicking about loudly. When they were behind us, but still within earshot, one of the boys shouted "Hey fatty, have you called Jenny yet?"
I recognized the tagline from the commercials for the Jenny Craig Diet. My pace picked up speed, while Rose stiffened and slowed down. Wanting to prevent any altercation, I grabbed her arm and dragged her forward.
"Those little brats," she snarled. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"They're just kids, Rose. They don't know any better."
"Fuck that! They're young adults and they should know better. Someone should give them a lesson on how to be decent fucking human beings. You can't just let people say shit like that to you, Bella."
I shrugged, and kept my gaze on the sidewalk before me. "I can't stop people from saying stuff. There's this little thing called free speech."
We had reached the car now, and Rosalie placed her bag in the backseat before shutting the door with angry enthusiasm. "You could have at least said something back like…Yeah, I called Jenny, but she put me on hold because she was busy on the other line with your mom."
My attempt to buckle my seatbelt was thwarted as I dissolved into hysterics. "How do you come up with retorts like that so fast? That would have popped into my head like three days later."
Rose grumbled as she started the car. She was really pissed, and scowled all the way home.
Years of name calling had allowed me to perfect the act of pretending that it all rolled off my back. The truth was that I'm always shaken by the cruelty of others, particularly when the hateful words are spewed from the mouth of a stranger. I've often wondered how much unhappiness a person must be carrying in their heart in order to warrant a verbal attack against a random pedestrian. A part of me still held on to the childish belief that people were mean for a reason. I convinced myself that the people who shouted sharp-edged insults at me had some sad back-story, some reason for wanting to darken someone else's day. Rose on the other hand, remained convinced that there was an 'asshole gene' that got passed down the generational line.
I decided to make chicken for lunch. It wasn't particularly appealing to me, but Rose and I had cleansed the house of all unhealthy foods and my taste buds were going to have to change whether they liked it or not. It was manageable with a dollop of low fat sour cream and some salsa for taste, in between bites of broccoli and cauliflower. My taste buds were not as happy as they would have been with a cheeseburger, but my brain was ecstatic. For the first time ever, I measured out serving sizes and consciously took my time with my meal.
For dessert, Rose prepared a concoction she'd found online. I'd always thought Ricotta cheese was gross, but when whipped vigorously and mixed with cocoa powder, low-calorie sweetener, and some sugar free chocolate sauce, it tasted like a decadent treat. We cooked in the kitchen together. Instead of being handed a carelessly wrapped fast food meal in a brown paper bag, I got to enjoy the fruits of my labor, a meal made by hand.
It felt good.
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After my lunch settled in my stomach, I headed for the gym. Rosalie opted out, claiming she had a headache. For a minute I believed her, till I remembered Emmett mentioning that Saturdays were his day off. Now Rose's disinterest in the gym made sense. Naturally she feigned indignant outrage when I voiced my theory, but I wasn't fooled.
The parking lot was packed when I pulled up. Apparently I'd arrived during the optimal workout hour or something. My heart jumped when I saw Edward standing behind the front desk. He looked so strong and confident, so comfortable in his own skin. I wanted that; to have that kind of inner strength inside of me.
I didn't realize that I'd become a 'creeper statue' as Rose called my habit of freezing up and staring at people. With a harrumph and forceful insistence, Alice leaned forward and wrenched my membership card from my hand so that she could scan it. Thankfully, Edward was preoccupied with paperwork and didn't notice my display of social creepiness. I took my card back from Alice, and she made a point of staring past me… at nothing in particular. It always threw me for a loop when complete strangers reacted to me like my presence was the most annoying trial they've ever experienced. Sure I was shy and extremely awkward, but did that make me annoying?
Pushing past the doubt, I focused on the task at hand. The Jenny Craig comment had solidified my decision to ask Edward to train me. I would only be in Forks for a few months, but I was scared that if I didn't seriously attack my weight problems now I'd lose my resolve when I went back to Phoenix. I couldn't do this alone.
Shuffling in the direction of my target, I fought the urge to run away screaming in terror when he looked up at me. A pleasant smile bloomed across his face, and suddenly it felt like my heart was playing a panicked staccato against my tonsils. He leaned towards me and I felt myself mirror that movement, a wilting flower begging for the sun to grace me with its presence. Everything about Edward melted together into an air of familiarity. I didn't know him…but it felt like he knew me, delved deeper into my heart every time he looked at me. His eyes regarded me as if I was a dear friend and he was leaning towards me as if about to entrust me with a precious secret.
"Is there something I can do for you?"
Oh God, there's an endless lists of things I'd like you to do to me.
I was doing the creepy statue thing again. Someone should find a cure for nerves. In the meantime, I tried to find my words.
"I…um…just wanted to say hi."
Excellent work Bella. You've served up a helping of lame with a side of stalker; nine out of ten for you on the 'cooking up fail scale'.
My consolation prize was the sound of his deep chuckle. I was willing to settle. Trying to quell the blush that was creeping across my face, I lowered my head and high-tailed it to the locker room.
"Hey, Bella!"
The overly sugary voice made me cringe. I turned to see that B to the third power, known to some as Jessica, was trotting behind me. "Hi," I muttered, as I claimed a locker. Jessica moved next to me, encroaching upon my personal space as if we were best friends or something. "I totally didn't know you worked out here," she said conversationally.
This was bitchese for 'wow I didn't think a lard ass like you knew what a gym was.'
I found it easiest in these types of situations to play along. Smiling meekly I answered, "I haven't been here long. It's something to do while I'm in town, and I could stand to lose a pound or two, you know?"
Another lesson I'd learned. Be the first person to bring up your weight in a joking manner. It takes the wind out of other people's sails.
Jessica deflated like a kid dragged out of a candy store without a purchase. "Right," she replied unhappily as she swept her long hair into a ponytail. I ignored her exaggerated attempts at warm-up stretching, grabbing my bottled water and Rosalie's iPod before locking up the rest of my stuff. Just as I was about to leave, she started talking at me again. Apparently she was determined to successfully serve a blow to my self esteem.
"You know," she began with an absentminded tone, dramatically rooting through her purse and blocking the space between the benches and lockers so that I couldn't get past, "you should see if Edward has any spaces left for personal training. He's very busy, but he's worth it. I work with him three times a week and he's done amazing things to my body." She paused for effect, reaching behind her to play with her perfectly placed ponytail in a way that made my blood boil, and to give the illusion that she hadn't already planned her next words. "Then again, Edward is more experienced with training people of a certain physique. You might want to see if there's a place in Port Angeles that specializes in…people of size."
People of size? What kind of ambiguously insulting title was that? I wanted to rip the pony tail from her head and make her choke on it.
But that would fall under the category of 'things not acceptable in society'. So I stared her right in the face as she straightened and turned to me, a smile of malicious triumph slashed across her face. She must have seen something in my face that satisfied her, because she stepped aside to let me through. I bolted for the exit like a swimmer rising from the depths of a great body of water, in desperate need of a breath of air. I prayed she'd had her fill and wouldn't follow me.
Attempting to shake off the thick blanket of discontent that Big Boobs had so graciously laid upon me, I headed for the treadmills. I'd fallen off the horse…literally fallen, but it was time to get back on and tame the wild beast.
The track gave a little under my feet, as I stepped up onto the machine. This time I carefully scanned the buttons on the dashboard before me. Most of them looked absolutely foreign. But the word 'Elevation' sandwiched between an up and down button, seemed pretty clear. I hit the up arrow and felt the machine angle upwards slightly. This could be really good for me. I could keep a pretty quick pace when traveling across a relatively flat plane, but hills and stairs led to a quick and brutal demise. I knocked the elevation up a little more, until the treadmill's angle mimicked the experience of going up a small hill. It would be nice to be able to tackle an incline at a normal pace without sounding like my lungs were about to collapse.
Nerves caused me to hit the quick start button and keep the speed at a steady 2.5 miles per hour. Slow and easy wins the race and all that junk. My legs were not happy with the elevation. I told them to suck it up.
About fifteen minutes into my workout, I saw Big Boobs with Edward. They were to my right by the metal shelves which held the dumbbells. He stood with his arms crossed and a focused expression which made his face look like beautifully sculpted marble as he appraised Jessica's movements. She kept over-reaching or under-reaching as she brought the dumbbells over her head, so that Edward would lean forward and rest his fingers on the bare skin of her arm as he moved them to the desired position.
It made my blood boil, watching the way she tried to work him. Growling, I reached forward and tapped the speed up to 3.0 miles per hour. My stride got longer; more aggressive. I stayed at that pace, my eyes haphazardly locking onto them every few minutes as they traveled about the gym. With every step something deep in the pit of my stomach began to grow. The words to describe it failed me. It was a mix between anger, focus, and a strange sort of power that burned its way through my veins. I dare to say that I almost felt transcendent. Time started to blur and fade away. There was no Edward or Big Boobs, no Rosalie or Renee or Charlie.
There was only me.
Every step I took was for me. No one else. The feeling of my muscles stretching, my bones shifting and the sweat beading and then rolling across my skin, was all that I knew. For the first time ever…I felt like I was in control of my body, instead of trapped within it.
It was exhilarating, powerful…and freeing.
I had never understood what people meant when they were doing something and said that they were in 'the zone.' Now I knew.
My stomach growled suddenly, pulling me out of my head and throwing me back into reality. I stared at the dashboard in disbelief. That had not felt like an hour at all. I looked up just in time to see Big Boobs give a flirtatious smile to Edward before heading for the locker room. There was not a hair out of place or a drop of sweat marring her perfect figure. I, on the hand, was dripping. In fact I probably looked like I'd had a bucket of water dumped on me. But I didn't care. After grabbing a paper towel and wiping the machine down with the gym's cleaner, I headed over to the counter where Edward was.
I was not a statue. There was no hesitation, no second guessing and no embarrassment. When he met my eyes my words came out with perfectly uttered intent. "I'm interested in hiring you as my personal trainer. What does that entail?"
He straightened and ran a hand through his hair. I did not get sidetracked by the way the fiery strands fell back down to gently caress the skin of his forehead. Well…maybe a little.
"My schedule is pretty busy but let me see what I have," he replied, reaching down to bring a planner up onto the countertop.
"I will take any open slot you have," I announced. "I don't care if it's at five in the morning."
There was a light chuckle at my exaggeration. Although, if he actually told me the only free time he had was at five in the morning, I'd probably take it. "Okay, it looks like I've got a slot open from two in the afternoon till three on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and a slot from noon till one on Wednesdays and Fridays. Do any of those days work for you?"
I pondered. "Could I sign up for the Tuesday slot and the Friday slot? Would that be okay?"
Another chuckle. God his eyes were gorgeous. "Yes, that's okay."
There was lots of talking after that; talking about his policy, and fees. I would be paying $40 a week, $20 for each hour long session. The total would be paid to him up front before our Tuesday sessions. After the talking came paperwork. Agreeing to his policies, signing a waiver that basically stated I took responsibility if I got hurt during the work out, answering questions about my health and the healthy of my family members. After the paperwork, there was another round of talking. Edward wanted to know about my goals. I said I wasn't sure yet, but getting away from where I was right now was a definite must. He seemed appeased with that.
"Looks like you're all set," he finally said, getting up to shake my hand. The feel of his fingers against my hand made me want to giggle like a school girl.
"I'll see you on Tuesday," I said shyly. The adrenaline of my workout was wearing off, and I was feeling like my normal, socially inept self again.
"I'm looking forward to it," he answered, with a smile that made me unsure if the wetness between my legs was from the workout or not. After collecting my belongings I stumbled out to the car on unsteady legs. This was partly because the treadmill had mauled my muscles…
…and partly because that smile left me floating on cloud nine, ten, eleven and twelve.
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I decided to make a pit stop to visit Charlie before I headed back to the house. He was looking better every day, and he proudly told me to help myself to the tilapia and steamed vegetables he'd made. I was starved and obliged his request, making myself comfortable at the table. The shifty glances Charlie made towards the couch told me he was used to taking his meals there as opposed to in the kitchen. But I wanted to talk, so I held my ground.
Talking wasn't something that Charlie and I did a lot. Even when I stayed with him during the summer, our exchanges were short and careful. Being so afraid for him…had made me realize that if he hadn't made it I would have regretted not having discussions of substance to look back on.
But it certainly didn't make getting the ball rolling any easier.
"This is really good," I began, trying to keep the awkward discomfort out of my voice.
"Fish came out a little dry," he responded gruffly.
"Dad…can I…can I ask you something?"
"Always Bells."
I picked at a piece of steamed carrot, mulling over the thoughts in my head, trying to figure out how to translate them into a conversation.
"How come you haven't said anything, you know…about my weight? I'm...a lot heavier than the last time I saw you face to face. I figured that with your health conditions…you'd be on me about my obviously bad eating habits."
Once the words were out I wished I could reach out and shove them back in my mouth. I'd much rather we talk about the weather.
Charlie paused, grabbing a napkin and taking his time dabbing at his mouth. I don't think I breathed much as I waited.
Who needs to breathe?
Air is so over-rated.
"Well Bells…frankly I…didn't feel it was my place to say anything. Obviously I haven't been the role model of a healthy lifestyle myself, and you're an adult. As long as you're happy I figure it's my job to keep my mouth shut. Are you…happy?"
The way he pauses at the happy part, the worry that creeps into the edges of his voice, is like a sharp knife to my heart. I consider my answer carefully. "I don't know, Dad. I wasn't completely miserable, but I'm certainly not happy with my size. But um…I've been eating better since I've been in Forks and going to the gym. So I think I'm happy…or at least on my way to being happy."
Charlie releases what I think is an approving grunt.
"What about you, Dad. Are you happy?"
In a display of affection uncommon to his character and our father/daughter dynamic, he reached across the table and lightly laid his hand on top of mine. "I'm sitting here eating dinner with my beautiful little girl. That makes me about as happy as a father can be."
Oh no you don't, eyes! No one gave you permission to go and get all weepy.
"I love you, Dad. You know that right?"
"I sure do Bells. And I love you right back."
Long after our plates were cleaned, we sat at the table and talked; about anything…and everything. How much Charlie loved his job. My uncertainty regarding what I wanted to do with my life…even the weather.
It was the longest conversation we'd had since I hit puberty.
(AN)-Ch 10 has already been started, so I'm 90% certain I'll be able to update normally on Thursday. *Blowing kisses to you all*