Disclaimer-I do not own Twilight, nor any of the affiliated plotline or characters. I do, however, own the epic update fail you've had to suffer through. I apologize. God bless you if you're still reading.

When Life Gives You Lemons: Eat Them

When you know, you know. I know with you I'm going to go somewhere I've never been.
But it's where I want to be, I breathe easy for the first time.

~Kenotia, Until This Day

Chapter 13-Fluttering, Stuttering Heart

Some people think of hell as a black pit of torture and flames. Others actually propose that its burn is of an icy nature. Personally, I picture hell as a never ending grocery store. Think about it…aisles that are always too small for two people to function in, everything you need always on the top shelf out of reach, cash register lines that are held up for fifteen minutes by selfish jerks arguing with the cashier over the price of every single one of their purchases.

It definitely felt like hell to me.

"The stupid sticker said the goddamn tuna was half off," the middle aged, balding man in front of me was protesting.

The weary looking cashier was fighting to keep the polite smile on her face. I felt so bad for her. This man had purchased about a week and a half's worth of groceries, and he was contesting the final price of every item she'd rung up.

"I understand, sir, but the flyer also said that the sale was only applicable to customers with a membership card."

"Why the hell do I need to be a 'member' in order to get a package of tuna? This is a fucking grocery store not a country club!"

I would have switched to another line, but there was no one behind me and the other three lines were longer. There is a possessive connection made between a person and the thing they're waiting for. You just know, that the second you step out of your place, whatever delay was holding you up will magically disappear and you'll curse yourself for not sticking it out.

Lowering my head, I attempted to drown out the B.S. going on in front of me, because if I had to listen much longer I was going to give in and rip that man's head off. It also didn't help my situation that the shelf next to me was full of candy bars and after fifteen minutes of fighting my building rage they'd gotten very appealing.

The Reese's Peanut Butter Cups poofed themselves into my cart of their own free will.

I swear.

Okay…maybe not…but I only took one and that's better than taking five, right?

Finally, the jerk in front of me departed, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"My apologies for the wait, ma'am," said the cashier as I moved forward.

"That's okay, Olivia," I answered, reading off her nametag. I gave her a smile as I moved my purchases to the conveyer belt, guilt coursing through my veins as I set down my chocolatey stowaway. "I don't envy your position at all. It's got to be tough to have to play nice all the time. If it makes you feel better, I'll try and run that dickwad over with my cart if I get out there before he leaves."

This looked like a plausible plan too, because I could see through the storefront windows that he'd stopped at the curb and appeared to arguing aggressively on his phone.

Over the steady beeping of the scanner acknowledging my groceries, Olivia gave a small chuckle and shook her head. "That's sweet, but no thanks. You run over one dickwad, and then it's two, and then three. Next thing you know the human race is dying out because you've run over most of humanity. The road to a dickwad apocalypse is paved with good intentions."

We shared a laugh as I paid for my things, and I hoped she didn't get any more crappy customers for the rest of the day.

As I traveled the gravel of the parking lot, I kept glancing down to my plastic bag, where the orangey brown colors of the package of Reese's were prominently visible. At this point…it would be stupid to try and turn around. What was I going to do, go back into the store and say "Hey sorry, I was having a moment of weakness but I'm better now."?

That wouldn't be embarrassing at all.

Maybe I could nonchalantly leave it atop the trunk of a nearby car. Some little kid who had been denied candy while in line with their parent would think that they'd been blessed by the candy fairy.

But that would be a waste of the $1.29 I just spent on it.

A few minutes later I was starting the truck, the candy packaging still peeking at me through the plastic bag. I felt like it was calling to me with the zeal of a neon sign.

"I'm ignoring you," I proclaimed, shooting a glare at the bag as I pulled out onto the street.

Great…now I'm talking to candy, that's not at all pitiful or slightly psychotic.

The entire ride home I was a mess of tension and warring desires. I wanted to grab the candy and hurl it out the window. At the same time, I wanted to savor the taste and texture of the perfectly balanced swirl of peanut butter and chocolate against my tongue. I wanted to be able to say that I could have that little bit of candy and not lose control for the rest of the day.

But even I couldn't lie to myself here. A taste of that candy would send me into a feeding frenzy like a drop of blood in shark infested water.

So when I pulled up the driveway and saw that the trash that Rosalie and I had brought out to the curb had not been taken yet, I hesitated only slightly in grabbing the package of temptation and tossing it into the trash can where it made a thump of finality amongst the other garbage.

Bella: 1, Chocolate Temptation of Doom: 0.

Huzzah

It wasn't until after I'd gone inside and put away the groceries that I stopped to check my phone. For a moment excitement raced through my veins at the sight of the unfamiliar number in my caller history. Maybe it was Edward? I'd given him my number when I'd signed up for our sessions, in case he ever needed to cancel. It was nearly noon on Monday, and I hadn't seen or heard from him since our "Just Dinner".

Unfortunately for me, when I checked my messages I realized it was just Renee calling from a payphone because she'd lost her charger again. The woman lost technology with such talent that it was almost an art form. I smiled and shook my head as I listened to her long winded message detailing her time in Florida, and informing me that she was heading home in another two weeks.

Despite my mother's cheery voice, I was disheartened as I entered the house. On the one hand, I'd never officially given Edward my number in a "let's hang out" kind of way. On the other hand, I'd given it to him when I first signed up at the gym, so he could call me if he was ever running late to a session. It was at his disposal to use if he so pleased.

Maybe the dinner had been pity-based after all.

"Maybe he's waiting for you to dictate the next move since you were the one who labeled it as "Just Dinner".

I stopped, startled by Rose's unexpected voice. "You know, it really creeps me out when you talk to me like you can read my thoughts."

She shrugged at me over the back of the couch. "Nah, I can just read your face. You could always call him ya know. It is the 21st Century."

My response was a fervent head-shake. "And look pathetic and needy? No thanks. I have to be casual about this, or I'm going to have a nervous breakdown."

Rosalie's perfectly arched eyebrows raised themselves at me with little mercy. "You've checked your phone more times than I can count since that dinner. I'm pretty sure a nervous breakdown is more likely to be in your future if you don't call him. You want to know where you two stand, don't you? You don't want your gym session tomorrow to be awkward and tense because you're freaking out."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "I'm deleting all those episodes of Oprah from your TiVo when we get back to Phoenix. She's making you way too insightful for your own good."

Rose dropped the topic for the rest of the night, probably because she could tell her words had already gotten to me. I could play it off while I was awake, but in sleep the truth always found me.

That night I had one of those strange dreams that base themselves off of a memory. I was fifteen, and at the stage in my life where chubbiness was morphing into something out of control. Renee had decided to take me rock climbing for my birthday. She hovered above me, coaxing me to climb. I stood with both feet firmly on the ground; certain that there was no way the harness could support me.

"Bella, sweetie," my mother called to me, "come climb with me. Don't let this be something you regret."

This was where the dream and reality took separate paths. In truth, I had refused to climb, despite my desire to do so, despite how fun it looked. I had cried all the way home, and it became an experience that I always looked back on with feelings of regret.

In the dream, however, I found courage. My fingers and toes clung to the crevices and colored supports in the rocks as I hoisted myself up. Renee gave me an encouraging smile and continued her climb ahead of me. With every push upward, my confidence grew. Then, when I was about halfway up the wall, I felt my harness begin to give. Desperate, my eyes sought out Renee for help, but she was nowhere to be seen. As the harness peeled away from me, and my fingers failed to hold me on their own, I realized that I was all alone. With a heavy heart I closed my eyes…and fell.

~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~~0.0~

By the time Tuesday afternoon rolled around, I was so nervous that I was contemplating calling out sick. If it weren't for the knowledge that Rose would have dragged me to the gym herself, I might have. But Rose and the thought of facing her knowing glances scared me more than facing Edward, so with unsteady feet I timidly made my way through the doors to the gym. I was a little relieved when I was met with Emmett's wide grin instead of Alice's sour expression.

"Well fancy seeing you here," I observed teasingly. "What's the boss man doing grunt work for?"

He leaned back in his chair playfully, and shrugged. "Alice needed a day off, and I needed a break from the migraine-inducing pile of paperwork on my desk."

I handed him my card and he shot me a mischievous grin as he scanned it. "So…how was your weekend?"

My face immediately took on a color that was like three shades of sunburned. Despite his casual tone, his eyes were telling me that he was asking me about my night with Edward. Seeing my obvious reaction, Emmett gave a quiet but triumphant laugh.

"I think I like you better when you're out of sight doing paperwork," I grumbled as I yanked my card back and headed to the locker room. His far too amused gaze followed me, and for a second I actually missed Alice.

Edward was leaving the men's locker room as I was turning into the women's and we crashed into each other gracelessly.

"Easy there tiger, you're supposed to be sore after the workout, not before."

I smiled at him apologetically. "You can't put klutziness on hold."

"I plan on testing that theory; five minute warm-up on the treadmill and then we work on your legs. My goal is to get you through a whole workout without having you fall and nearly take out a piece of gym equipment."

"Putting me on a yoga ball next to the dumb-bells was your smart move, mister," I responded with a faux glare as I headed into the locker room.

As soon as I was out of sight, I collapsed against the wall and let out a tense breath. Rosalie was right. Edward had seemed perfectly casual and at ease, but I was freaking out. Over analyzing everything he said, over analyzing everything I said. I felt awkward and more uncertain and foggy-brained around him than usual.

Usually my warm-ups felt like they lasted forever, cardio was my least favorite aspect of my workouts. Today, however, my nerves made it seem like it was a mere five seconds before the timer was beeping at me. I didn't know why, but the thought of the proximity Edward kept during our sessions filled me with a mixture of trepidation and anticipation. Just when I'd begun to gain a small amount of comfort around him, dinner had come along and thrown me back to start…like some cosmic game of Sorry.

I took my time wiping my machine down, trying to collect my racing thoughts as I shuffled over to the dumb-bells where Edward was waiting. He had two fifteen pounders ready for me, and thrust them at me mercilessly.

"Lunges. Three reps of fifteen. I want you to really get your back knee close to the floor this time."

Nodding, I assumed the position, my right leg angled in front of me and my left stretched out. I lowered myself, trying to bend my front leg just enough to keep me stable, while bringing my back leg down as if I were trying to kneel. When it came to lunges, the descent wasn't as hard on me as trying to come back up. I tried to use the weights in my hands for balance, but they only added to my unsteady wobbling. When Edward bent to correct my positioning, I would nearly jump out of my skin at his touch. He must have noticed, but he kept the air of a professional and didn't say a word. I managed to make it through the lunges and the subsequent wall squats, but I knew I was lacking focus and performing below my usual par. My undisciplined brain kept breaking from the task at hand and drifting back to Saturday night.

In a gym full of well-toned females…why would he want anything to do with me? What could I possibly offer him besides a ton of self-esteem issues and other emotional baggage?

Having never even dared to picture myself in a possibly romantic relationship, I had to wonder if I'd missed my chances at ever developing the social skills necessary to have one.

Rose always told me that I used my weight as a crutch. It was my armor to hide behind, my excuse to stay in the corner and watch my life from the sidelines. Maybe she was right…but how did one even begin to go about shedding so many layers of walls? Diet books told you how to attack the physicality of being overweight…but the book on battling the emotional and mental aspects was still blank as far as I'd seen.

I snapped back to attention as we finished with leg exercises and moved on to abs. As I was attempting to hold the Plank for longer than ten seconds, I heard Jessica's voice, sickly sweet and oozing flirtation. I didn't dare break my position, so I was stuck staring at the wall, but that didn't stop me from hearing every word.

"So…Edward," she purred, "I'm throwing a little party at my house this weekend, and I was really hoping that you'd come. You're always working so hard here, and I'd love to see you have some fun." Her voice got disgustingly husky at the end, and I had to fight the urge to whirl around and snarl at her like an animal.

I felt slightly mollified when I heard the irritated tone in Edward's response. "Jess, I'm with a client right now. This isn't the time."

Take that Big Boobs.

"Oh…I'm so sorry, I didn't realize. I'll just catch you later then."

In that moment, I really should have turned around and thanked Jessica. Her not so subtle attempt at flirtation had done a fabulous job of clearing my head.

I wasn't sure if she'd left yet, but when Edward called time, I sank to the mat with grateful exhaustion. Allowing myself a moment to breathe, I rolled over and took note of the agitated scowl etched across his face. But I tried not to read too much into it. It had been rude of Jess to interrupt when he was clearly working, especially when she'd done it with such a lascivious air. That still didn't mean he was interested in me, or that my offer would be any better received.

Edward ran me through two more exercises, and then sent me off to the elliptical for my cool-down. The whole time I was terrified that I was going to lose hold of the tiny flicker of courage that had sparked within me. I was finished, and wiping my machine down when I noticed Jessica exiting the locker room. Edward was at the front desk, and her eyes locked onto him with the ferocity of a predator.

I tossed my paper towel into the trash and made a beeline for the front desk. Across the gym, Jess noticed my movement and tilted her head at me in a way that said "what do you think you're doing you fat cow?" I quickened my pace and raised my eyebrows in a way that said "eat my dust, asshole."

I may have been double her size, but it became apparent rather quickly that I had the swifter stride. Jessica didn't stand a chance. I was exhausted, my hair was a sweat-drenched, ratty mess, and I was pretty sure I smelled like B.O. But the truth was…290 pounds was a lot of armor to carry…and it was high time I put it aside and stepped out from behind my walls for a little while.

Poor Edward looked like he nearly peed himself when I suddenly slammed into the side of the front desk. I knew Jessica was seconds behind me, so I blurted out the only thing I could think of under pressure.

"Can I talk to you in private?"

Stunned, he blinked a couple of times and managed a soft "Yeah?" before Jess came to a violent stop next to me. She opened her mouth to speak and then…somehow, Emmett realized what was going on and became my savior.

"Hey Jessica…my computer records are showing that you didn't pay this month's membership fee."

Her too-tanned face scrunched up in confusion. "There has to be a mistake…"

Emmett pulled her over to the other side of the counter, and I didn't hesitate in leaning forward before I ran out of time. "Edward," I began in low tones.

"What just happened?" he interrupted in a confused whisper.

"Not important. Listen…you know how I said I wanted Saturday night to be 'Just Dinner' and not a date?"

The furrow in his brow deepened. "Yes."

"If I were to say that I retract that previous statement…that I think Saturday was more than dinner… and that I'd like you to come to my place sometime this week for another more than dinner…what would you say?"

For five seconds I didn't breathe as I nervously awaited his reaction. Then, in slow motion, I watched as that sexy crooked smile spread across his face and he said "I've been hoping you'd say that for three days."

Relief washed over me in a giant wave. With that wave went all the adrenaline that had been fueling my courage and the nerves came crashing down again with force. "Um…okay…uh…is Thursday night good? Maybe six o'clock?"

"I'm looking forward to it," he replied, and I felt my heart do the flutter, then stutter thing again.

"Okay…great." I headed toward the door, trying to play it cool. That plan didn't work, as I suddenly realized I'd left all my belongings in the locker room.

I'm sure I looked like an idiot as I haphazardly backtracked. Yet I just didn't care. I also didn't give a crap when Jess, who was still unknowingly being played by Emmett, gave me the evil eye. No, I took my fluttering, stuttering heart and I walked out of that gym like I was the hottest woman Forks, Washington had ever seen.

For a second or two I even believed it, until I tripped and fell into a parked car, sending the anti-theft alarm into a frenzy.

Like I said, you can't put klutziness on hold.

(AN) Missy and Ains make my words grammatically correct and full of sense. I love them to bits. Jo and Stef gave me the verbal but kicking I needed to get back into the game. Olivia lent me some of her comedic brilliance. You guys are better than stowaway peanut butter cups in my shopping cart.