Chapter One-Hundred-Five

"We have to find Sakura," Syaoran said, distracting himself from the realization that he'd never been in control of his own mind. "That's most important."

"I didn't know you knew she was missing," Fai said.

"I saw. In my dreams, right before I landed here. And if my dreams follow the Other, that means Sakura is likely in this world." He exhaled, looking for signs of passage.

"The strongest presence is coming from that direction," Fai said. "It . . . it's him."

Of course it is. Syaoran started in that direction, relieved when Fai followed. Gradually, he picked up speed, until he was stirring up clouds of ash wherever he ran. However far they sprinted, the scenery never seemed to change. Ash spread out in every direction, an endless sea of gray. "What do you think happened to this world?" he wondered aloud.

For a long moment, the only sounds were their muffled footfalls. Finally, Fai spoke. "Who knows?"

"It's strange. I've seen worlds that have been ravaged by disaster, but there have always been recognizable signs of life. But this . . . Where is all this ash coming from? Unless it's drifted across the entire world, I don't see what could've caused such total devastation."

Another silence. Fai said, "Maybe everybody's buried underneath it."

Syaoran slowed, looking back. Fai's expression was strangely grim. "Maybe," he allowed.

They kept going. A sharp incline indicated a shift in the scenery. Reaching the top was like stepping into another world.

"It's Clow!" he cried, too shocked to hold back his excitement. His feet carried him forward, toward the familiar clay buildings, the distant ruins, the castle gardens . . . Fai's hand wrapped around his arm like a vice.

"It's an illusion," the magician said. "Just like what you've seen in dreams."

"I haven't dreamed of Clow since . . . It's been months."

"Before I fell into this world, I found hundreds of illusionary spells on you—the Other set them up so he could, at any point, control what you saw."

His legs stiffened. Another part of him shuddered in relief. This field of ashes wasn't related to Clow Country at all. As he watched, the desert city morphed into the sprawling metropolis of Infinity. What I would give to go back to Infinity now, he thought bitterly. What I would give for a second chance . . . He sighed. "Sakura's still in that direction, though, right? We have to go to her."

"The Other is in that direction. Sakura-chan—"

"She'll be with him. He wouldn't leave her unguarded." At least I hope not.

Fai nodded, seeming to accept this. Syaoran started forward again.

The detail of the illusion was stunning. Syaoran saw the Ephemeral apartments, standing as tall as the brick base could support. From the lack of scorch marks, he guessed it was before Seishirou had lit it on fire. Nearby, Syaoran saw the cart where he'd bought barbeque the day after his blindfold training. Beyond that, the sleek black tower where Seishirou had stayed loomed above the city.

The only thing missing was the people.

"This place is eerie," Fai said as they crossed the street. Cars sat motionless on the blacktop, frozen in whatever configuration Syaoran had last seen them. Except now the engines were silent, the leather seats empty. A stroller sat abandoned on the corner, occupied only by blankets and untouched toys.

"Are we still headed in the right direction?" Syaoran asked.

"Yes."

"Good. We should—" He broke off, freezing as the scenery shifting around him. Suddenly, they were indoors, standing in a room the size of a closet. Cold air drifted through the crack by the window, chilling the dark bedroom.

My room, Syaoran thought. My room from Infinity.

"I think he's holding back."

Syaoran turned to Fai, wondering what he meant by that. When the magician wasn't standing where the voice had come from, a wave of confusion washed over him.

"And if he is?" Kurogane's voice asked. Syaoran pinpointed the direction of the sound, but couldn't make himself open the door. The words were familiar somehow, as if they'd been etched onto his brain in bold print.

"He won't admit to it," Fai's voice said. Another quick glance revealed that the Fai standing beside him wasn't the speaker. "He's too scared of Seishirou to tell us what happened, and he's too scared of us to admit to lying about Seishirou. This is all based on the assumption that he's lying, of course, but he hasn't been very forthcoming with details to begin with, so why would he start now?"

Syaoran looked down at his feet. He remembered now.

"Don't use that tone on me," Kurogane's voice said. Syaoran could almost see the glare on the ninja's face. "It's bad enough he thinks we all want him dead."

And then the words came. Those words—the words that had taunted him just as the Other had taunted him in his dreams: "I do want him dead. Him and his clone both."

The conversation faded to silence.

Syaoran remembered wandering out of his room, acting like nothing was amiss. Acting like it had never happened.

But it had.

"I didn't mean it," Fai said quickly, and this time, it was the Fai beside him who was speaking, not the one beyond the wall.

"You did," Syaoran disagreed, turning toward the older vampire. Fai flinched away, confirming his assertion. "You meant it then. You wanted me to die."

Fai stared at the floor. "I—"

"I'm not angry."

The magician raised his face slightly.

"What you said then . . ." Syaoran murmured, gaze shifting to the door. "It was nothing I didn't already suspect. You had every right to hate me. I was nothing more than a replacement for my clone."

Fai opened his mouth to protest. Syaoran lifted a hand to stop him.

"Truthfully, in your position, I would've done the same thing. I'm not innocent of hatred. I hated Seishirou for everything he put me through. I hated the Other for the nightmares that tormented me. I still hate Fei Wang Reed for what he's taken from me. All this time, ever since Tokyo, I've been fortifying those walls of hatred, steeling myself for whatever came my way. But I was wrong."

He had Fai's full attention now. The closet-sized bedroom—the walls he'd so abhorred for defining his territory—warped and shimmered around them, as if made of gelatin. He spoke haltingly, measuring every word. "I thought that if I hated them—if I remembered the purpose of that hatred and used it to accomplish what I set out to do—that I might not be the one hurting in the end. But I've been hurt. Everyone I've hated has come back to hurt me." He looked at the floor. "I don't know if I can change that. I don't know if I can forgive Seishirou, or accept what the Other has done to me. I don't think I'll ever be able to accept the suffering Fei Wang Reed caused me. But I can free myself from it. I can be objective. I can try to understand both sides."

Hesitantly, Syaoran lifted his head. Fai's face was ghostly pale. "Syaoran-kun . . ."

"I never hated you," Syaoran told him. "I never hated you, or Kurogane-san, or Sakura. Even this—" He gestured beyond the walls, where the muffled conversation had come from. "I couldn't even hate you for this. Because seeing all of you interact through his eyes, feeling his admiration when he thought of all of you . . . Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't have made myself hate you."

Fai's shoulders sank, head drooping down as some essential part of him collapsed in on itself. He leaned back, until his shoulder blades hit the sheetrock, then slid down the wall, lifting a hand to his face. "You heard what I said that night," Fai said softly. It wasn't a question.

"I did."

"I never meant for you to hear."

"I know."

Something shiny slipped down the magician's cheek. "Back in Ceres, I always thought . . . I always thought I was a monster, that I could only destroy, that I deserved to die for the damage I'd done. And through all that, I didn't learn half as much about the things that mattered as what you've said today."

"Fai-san . . ."

The magician's eyelid slid open. A pained smile bloomed across his face. "If I could go back . . . I don't think I would be so cruel to you the second time. I'd try not to be, even if I didn't remember."

Syaoran felt a slight smile curve up his lips, just as the corners of the room twisted in on themselves. Suddenly, they were outside, standing between two rolling hills, in a park marked by silver gates. "I don't think we're going to be able to track Sakura if the world keeps shifting like this."

Fai frowned. "No, perhaps not."

Syaoran reached into his pocket, his eyes tracing the burnt patch of grass in the corner of the field. He pulled the metal bolt from his pocket and held it up to the weak sunlight. "There are stronger things than hatred," he said, turning the little screw around in his hand. "A single bolt can hold together two vital parts. Losing it could mean the destruction of both pieces, or the permanent loss of that connection."

Fai stared at the bolt. "That's . . . That's the piece that was missing from Sakura-chan's leg brace, when we moved to the next world."

"Yes. I picked it up after the fight." Syaoran sighed. "Everything had gone to hell where Seishirou and I had been staying, and I'd run back here, hoping to prove to myself that I hadn't lost my connection to the rest of you. That was when I found this. It was snowing that day, but after holding onto it for a while, the bolt began to feel warm in my hands." A soft smile curved up his lips as he remembered the reason behind his happiness—not just pleasure at having a memento, but a deep joy that stemmed from the knowledge that, even though Sakura had been out of his grasp then, there remained a tenuous link between them. That she hadn't been lost to him forever.

I won't lose you this time, either, he thought, holding the metal bolt over his heart for a moment before pocketing it again. "Can you still sense him? The Other?"

Fai closed his eye, his face settling into an impassive mask. Suddenly, his eye flashed open again, his neck whipping around to something behind him. Syaoran tensed, claws shooting out of his fingertips. Fai, however, straightened his spine and turned to face their visitor. "Ah, I was wondering when you would get here."

Syaoran stared at the empty air for a long moment, wondering how and when Fai had lost his mind. And that was when Kurogane dropped out of the sky.