28

When a coffee-laden Harm returned to the lounge, Gill was sitting in the same place and at the same position as when he left. He cast an anxious look at her face but found it impossible to tell what, if anything she was thinking. But as she caught sight of him, she smiled warmly and as he placed the tray on the coffee table she murmured, "Thank you."

'At least she hasn't run screaming from the house,' Harm thought as he busied himself pouring the coffee, 'but I wish she would give some kind of sign as to what she's thinking…"

Gill covered the interval while Harm sat down by taking a sip of her coffee. "You were just about to tell me about Australia?" She prompted gently.

Harm replaced his cup on the saucer, and ran a hand through his hair. Straightening up, he looked Gill in the face "God that was such a complete clusterf..." He broke off in dismay uneasily aware that his ears at least had flamed red, "Oh, God… I'm so sorry…"

Gill laughed, "Oh, don't be… I've heard the expression before, and it's such a perfect description! And besides I've heard much worse on the Gun Park, especially when Timm's dropped the breech block on his foot!"

Harm smiled his recognition of her attempt to gloss over his faux pas, but resolving at a later date to learn more of that little episode. He took another sip of his coffee, "the whole Australian case was a nightmare from start to finish. Two sailors, back in the days of the Vietnam war, one Australian one American got into a fight and the American stabbed and killed the Australian sailor, then stole his identity and disappeared into the bush with the woman over whom the fight had started. Both sailors were marked as UA by their respective navies, and eventually the Australian Navy wrote their man off as a deserter.

"Years later he was arrested as a deserter, and in order to avoid trial by the Australian authorities revealed his true identity. And then the story of the fight came out and he was charged with the murder. In the meantime the body had to be exhumed and returned to his family in the states – bear in mind that the identity switch hadn't yet been discovered. So, as Bud and I were defending the case, Mac came over to Australia to escort the body home, and with her came the Admiral.

Bud and I were busy with preparation of the case so Brumby volunteered to show Mac around, and somehow or other they ended up on a beach, where the women were topless, and that's where Bud and I discovered them, with Mac topless, but holding a magazine to cover herself from our view.. Needless to say relations between Mac and myself took a nosedive. Anyway, in an attempt to get things back onto more even footing we went out for dinner, and included a ferry ride across Sydney Harbour. That's when I think I made the biggest single mistake with Mac. Remember, she had just spent the afternoon topless with another man, then she turned around on that very same day and she propositioned me. I didn't react too well, I had these thoughts about her being an adulteress, about her flaunting herself in front of Brumby… I thought she was proposing a fling while we're away from Washington, while we were some-place where we were pretty well anonymous, on top of that I was still trying to cope with the after-effects of discovering my dad's death, my return from flying, and I wasn't ready to be in a permanent relationship, particularly not with Mac when I was feeling so conflicted over my feelings about her, but I tried to be diplomatic and I said I wanted a relationship with her but not yet. She heard 'no' and turned to Brumby. Two days later we cleared up the case and were ready to fly back to the states she almost missed movement, but turned up at the airport in the nick of time with Brumby, having evidently just got out of his bed, wearing a damn great vulgar diamond ring, albeit on her right hand, as if she thought that made a difference. Not to me. She was wearing another man's ring, so she was totally off-limits, but it seemed she didn't get that and it transpired years later that it was her attempt to make me jealous."

Gill's expression was now one of incredulity, "How old was she? Seventeen?" she asked scornfully.

Harm gave a mirthless grin, "Well, let's just say that neither of us acted in a very mature manner, and leave it at that. As it happened, over the next few months we started to work our way back towards a more friendly working relationship, until the surface warfare ball. That's one of the biggest navy social events in the Washington calendar. We showed up, and we were just about to go in when that damned Australian spoke up from behind us, saying he'd resigned his commission and had come to the states to be with the woman he loved.

"Then came Christmas, Mac shipped the damned ring from her right to her left hand, but still there was no talk of a wedding day until May. When it was announced at very short notice that the big day was set. Unfortunately it was set for the same weekend as my carrier deck landing qualifications had been arranged. That was the cause of another fight between Mac and myself and I ended up storming into the elevator and holding the door open just long enough to say to her that if she really needed me at her wedding then perhaps she ought to consider she was marrying the wrong man. That was about the closest I ever came to telling her how I felt.

"But you've changed," Gill commented, "you've been much more open than that with me, and you've known me for much less time."

Harm felt his ear tips grow warm again, "Umm... That's all due to Mattie, and we'll come to her soon, well, soonish," he amended before he took another mouthful of coffee, pulling a face at how cold it had gotten, and then pushed it to one side in disgust.

"Anyway, I dished up my quals in almost record time and persuaded the CAG and the skipper to let me ferry one of their Tomcats back to Andrews, before it was flown on to Grumman – the manufacturers - for retrofitting. The Tomcat is a two seater, the pilot and the radar intercept officer. My RIO was an old friend of mine, Beth Hawkes, Skates, who had been my back seater while I was back with a Squadron. We flew into one of the biggest and most violent storms to hit the mid-Atlantic region ever. We had an oxygen malfunction, so we couldn't climb above the storm, and had to try get through it. We were hit by lightning and the controls wouldn't respond, so we had no other option but to eject. We came down in the Atlantic in the middle of the storm. We were afloat and adrift for hours until we were picked up."

Gill could see that Harm was almost reliving that incident as he spoke of it, once again his voice had become a flat monotone,

So although her heart lurched, her "Dear God," was an almost silent whisper.

I was supposed to have been back that night for the wedding rehearsal dinner, but when the skipper on the Henry reported my loss, as he was bound to, to my boss, who was at the dinner, then apparently things ground to a halt. I don't know what happened at the dinner, or who said what to anyone, if anyone did say anything, but when I was airlifted from the carrier to Bethesda Hospital just outside DC, the wedding had been postponed.

"By the time I was discharged from hospital on convalescent leave, things had come to a head between Mac and Brumby. He'd call off the wedding, permanently, took a flight home, then we understand he reinstated his commission. I told Mac to come and see me, so we could talk about where we were and where if anywhere we could be going. Unfortunately she was beaten to the house by my girlfriend who had just heard her father had died, so when Mac arrived she saw me comforting Renee. I didn't even know she had arrived until later. By the time I returned to duty Mac had taken a six-month TAD on one of the Marine Corps assault ships. I went there on a case, we tried to talk, things got a little heated and Mac stormed off before she heard the answer to a question she'd asked, and spent the rest of the time I was on board avoiding me."

"But that wasn't the end, was it?" Gill said.

"Not even close," Harm replied ruefully. "Even when she returned things were strained between us, we were still competitive, in so many ways, but there was a… No, I won't say malicious edge to our relationship… But the banter had become less… friendly, the rivalry in all fields was keener. Eventually we challenged each other to a race, I gave her a six minute head start," he shrugged rather shamefacedly, "I was overconfident, I knew I was a runner and that Mac was a jogger, but what I didn't know was she had been in serious training, as it was we dead heated. She asked where that left us, I said 'at the end', she countered by suggesting we make a new start, and we started working our way back towards our past friendship, then the gods dropped another huge boulder in our path.

"One of the other attorneys in the office was Lieutenant Loren Singer… To say she was the most unpopular person in the whole of JAG Corps might be an exaggeration, but not by much…"

Harm took a deep breath and embarked on the convoluted tale of Loren Singer and her pregnancy, Sergei Zhukov, and Mac being detailed to investigate the pregnancy with a view to raising conduct unbecoming charges should it prove that the unpopular Lieutenant had conceived a board ship.

"I was concerned, on two fronts. Firstly there was the chance that my brother Sergei could have been the father, and I felt… ashamed I guess, that I been such a bad older brother, let alone allowed Loren Singer to get her claws into him. But I also felt a degree of sympathy for her, regardless of who the father might turn out to be, it seemed to me that, not for the first time, Mac let her personal feelings interfere in a case. She seemed convinced right from the outset that the Lieutenant was guilty of conduct unbecoming an officer and of disobedience to regulations. She seemed to forget all about the principle of innocent until proven guilty. I was to accompany her out to the carrier to carry out a review of an on-board investigation that Loren carried out into a mishap and had raised charges against seven members, key members, of the air wing. I must admit I have a suspicion that the skipper, in raising charges against Loren, was applying a little payback. If all those members of his air wing been court-martialed the carrier could not functioned. Anyway, I asked another colleague to carry out a behind the scenes investigation back in DC to see if there was any other likely candidate for being the father of Loren's baby. Mac found out about my investigation and had a total meltdown with me, but how could I try to explain to her without dragging Sergei's name into the mix that a, I was afraid of just that and b, that I didn't think Mac was being impartial in her own investigation. In the end courts-martial were dropped on my recommendation, Loren was returned to shore duty, I went back to DC and Mac stayed on board until a new SJA could be appointed. Loren took maternity leave, and we all expected to see her back when that was up."

Harm ran both hands through his hair and looked at Gill, an expression of pleading for understanding on his face. "Then a few months later, during the spring thaw, Loren's body was found on the banks of the Potomac River. I was still desperate to keep Sergei's name out of the affair, and in doing so I managed to make myself look guilty. Then my cover – headdress to you – was found on the river bank near where the body was found. I was arrested and charged with her murder."

"Idiots!" Gill erupted. "Harm I haven't known you very long but even I can tell you wouldn't commit murder just to cover up your brother's illegitimate child!"

Harm rewarded Gill's outburst with a wintry smile, "You're showing more faith in me than my superiors did, and my colleagues did, even the Admiral and Mac asked me if I was guilty. And for some reason I was accounted a flight risk and put in pre-trial confinement, I wasn't allowed to choose my own attorney, and all JAG personnel were ordered to break contact with me."

"I was very nearly convicted and it was a last-minute review of the evidence that saved my neck and proved that I had been framed by another officer. But the experience left me feeling pretty shaken, and resentful at being abandoned, and mistrustful of my command and of my colleagues. Then I had only been back at work short while and Mac and I still weren't really speaking. I know that orders or no orders if anybody else from JAG had been in my situation I would have investigated, but there was no concurrent JAG or even a joint investigation, the whole thing was left to NCIS, anyway I was sitting at home feeling pretty unsettled, when Mac showed up and asks me how I was feeling, but before I could say anything she takes her coat off and damn, she looks about six months pregnant, she tells me it's a prosthetic belly and that she is due to leave for Paraguay as the supposedly diamond expert pregnant wife of an arms dealer, who is actually a CIA undercover agent – the most inept agent I've ever met. I told her I thought it was too dangerous and that she ought not to go, she accused me of being overprotective, not giving her credit be able to look after herself and only ever being interested in her when she had one foot out of the door, and before I could really reply she was gone."

Harm shook his head as if he still couldn't really believe what had happened and what was to come next. "I was convinced from the outset that the mission was going to fail, and then a few days later when they missed a check-in I knew things had gone bad. My CO wouldn't send me after them, and he wouldn't allow me to take leave, so I resigned," he said flatly.

Gill gasped she had become absorbed in his story, and although parts of it were hard to believe, she had no doubt whatsoever that he was telling the literal truth as he saw it, but to hear he had resigned in order to go and look for the woman he loved was almost unbelievable.

"I won't give you a blow by blow account of the next few days, suffice to say they were pretty rough, but in the end I managed to save Mac, although Webb, the CIA man, had been pretty badly used. But what shook me was after I got them out, was the way they spoke to each other, and then right in front of me she kissed him. I didn't tell Mac I'd resigned, and when I did she blew up, said I was an idiot having given up everything I had, when she didn't need rescuing, that she and Webb would have got out by themselves. She then proved that I hadn't got anything left by fawning all over the useless piece of CIA crap that had nearly gotten them killed. She was in full-blown gung-ho Marine mode, and I was pretty well concussed which may have affected my behaviour, anyway we argued like hell and in the end she told me pretty emphatically that there wasn't an 'us' and that there would 'never' be an us.

We barely spoke all the way back to DC, but we reported to the Admiral, Mac in order to return to duty and me to see if I could somehow be reinstated. The Admiral told me I had been a civilian for the last seventy-two hours, and then he tore me, my character and my achievements to shreds, totally belittled all my years of service, told me grow up, stop being Peter Pan the little boy who likes to fly, and that if I needed excitement go and drive a cab or wrestle alligators because he had had it with my unreliability and me letting my emotions rule me, and Mac stood there and just let him."

Gill shook her head,"No credit for saving two lives?" while she thought, 'Driven by his emotions? For God's sake he's just about the most tightly buttoned up man I've ever met! Just listening to the way he's struggling tonight has convinced me of that! His CO can't have known him at all!'

Harm shook his head, "Nope, I was told I was an adrenaline junkie, and worse I was a failed one because the head bad guy had gotten away, and that despite that we actually destroyed his arsenal which he been planning to use against US assets. I was pretty badly shaken by that episode too, so I did what comes naturally, I went flying. For the CIA, and in the meantime Mac was pursuing her relationship with the idiot spook who'd nearly got her, another former member of JAG and himself killed" he added flatly. "I should have smelt a rat, the director of the CIA was on the phone to me almost as soon as I got back to my apartment after that interview with the Admiral. As a pilot, it wasn't all that bad; I qualified on several other different types of airplane, and for just about six months I was kept really busy. Then I had the misfortune to walk straight into a TV crew at the end of the mission, with my face all over the networks I wasn't any use to the CIA any more, so they canned me. So for the second time in a year I was unemployed… So I did what comes naturally again I went flying but this time in my own plane. And for the first time in many long, long minutes Harm managed a smile. "And that's where I met Mattie, and ended up working for a fourteen-year-old, crop dusting.

'He fell silent for a little while, a slight smile on his face as he thought back over his early days with Mattie Grace. "Turns out that Mattie's mother been killed in a car wreck, and her alcoholic father had skipped town..." the smile disappeared as he told her of his mental battle over whether to accept the Admiral's offer of reinstatement, "in the end, I swallowed my pride, although I felt I could never trust him again, but I figured being back in the Navy was a better prospect for a plan I was making them being the seasonal crop duster…" The reminiscent smile returned to his face as he went on to recount his battle for legal guardianship of Mattie.

"The night before the court hearing I went to see Mac to ask her to act as a character witness for me. She managed to turn her answer to my request into a diatribe, saying I couldn't make a father because I was a lousy son because I didn't write my mom frequently enough and then tried to turn the conversation into a discussion about us, why hadn't I told her about my plans months ago instead of leaving things to the last minute. I told her that she had made sure there was no us, and that there never would be an us. Then I told her to forget it, this was too important to me for her to screw up, and that's where we left it."

Once again Gill was left speechless, and could only shake her head in bemusement. 'This Mac;' she thought. 'must be about the most self-centred person going. The guy goes to her for help and she turns it into an argument about their non-existent relationship, and she's hurt because she wasn't privy to personal information… She was military for God's sake, and one with experience in undercover operations, didn't she grasp the concept of need to know?'

"I got the biggest surprise of my life, when Mac showed up in court the next day and gave me a character reference. She said one or two things that gave me hope that perhaps she wasn't as indifferent to me as she at first seemed, and then she intervened with Mattie's father who had turned up to contest my application. And the upshot was that I got guardianship of Mattie."

Harm's smile now seemed permanently etched on his face as he reminisced, in quite a rambling way, how Mattie had moved into his life, and how her need for a female role model and Jen Coates' need for a new place to live had meshed, he found himself as Pater Familias, and Gill could see the remember the joy on his face as he recounted little details of his life with the two young women.

"Part of that life, was working to get Mattie to forgive her father, and that became much easier when we discovered that he hadn't been driving the night of the crash. And eventually, as was only proper, she went back to him. And I'll never forgive myself for allowing that."

Gill looked at him in shock as she realised that his eyes were brimming with unshed tears, and fearing the worst she asked quietly, "What happened, Harm? Her father, he didn't…?"

Harm shook his head almost angrily, "No, nothing like that, thank God, if there had been I'd have killed him myself!"

His facial expression was so bleak as he said this, that for a moment Gill felt the power and the passion of the man that he normally kept buried, and thought 'if those strong feelings could be harnessed for good… He could shift mountains!' "Go on," she invited.

The smiles were now gone, all she could see his face was pain, "We had a late cold spell this year, and the new JAG, a Marine Corps General shifted the JAG Corps conference to San Diego. I wasn't required at the conference and was left as acting CO in DC. Since Mac had spoken up for me in court, we had begun moving closer together, encouraged by Mattie; she made me understand that it wasn't enough to let your barriers down, to let someone in, to love someone, you had to let them know. You couldn't assume that some people would realise this your from your actions, and you had to have the… the guts, I suppose, to come out and say those three little words. Mattie got me to admit, to her, that I loved Mac, and had been working on me so I finally have the nerve to face my fears and tell Mac. But just as every time before, that I started to feel closer to her, she took up with another guy or so it seemed to me. And this time it was dangerous. He was a Navy JAG Lieutenant, and by act of Congress he was a gentleman, but he was also an unprincipled, unethical, attorney, and took the same path in his private life. He tried hitting on enlisted and officers alike, apparently without giving a damn about the fraternisation regulations. I didn't find out much of this until later, believe me if I'd known at the time I'd have charged him myself, particularly as one of the women seem to have fallen under his spell was Jennifer Coates, and then of course, Mac."

"But if he was a lieutenant, she was his senior, you said she'd been promoted to lieutenant colonel, she should have charged in herself!"

Harm shrugged, "It is like I said earlier, it seemed that all any other man had to do was to show interest in Mac she ran to them. But that's not the real important part of the story. It seems that I had been a good example to Mattie; she decided that she too wanted to become a Navy aviator, and I was happy to pay for her flying lessons. That afternoon she went up with her instructor in marginal conditions. The plane got caught in a snowstorm, and although they made it back to the airfield, they crashed into another plane as they landed. Both pilots were killed, and Mattie was seriously injured."

Harm had to stop in order to clear his emotion-clogged throat, and by this time his pain was making Gill's eyes prickle as well.

"I called Mac, as soon as I got to the hospital found out Mattie's condition, but she was at some sort of social function and I got the feeling she wasn't listening, I guess she was in too much of a hurry to get back to lover-boy. Once again, it was Jen Coates who stepped up to the plate. I don't think that I or Mattie could have come through those first few awful days without Jen's support. And in a way it was so right that it was Jen who had just taken over the bedside watch when Mattie's eyes finally opened and she came out of her coma.

"By this time everyone was back in San Diego and Mac realised just how grave the situation was, and became the most supportive she ever had been. Then, out of the blue, at one morning staff call, general Cresswell threw us a couple of grenades, Mac was posted to San Diego to take command of a new joint service legal office, and I was posted here as Navy force JAG Europe, both on seventy-two hours notice. Things got a bit hectic, I had already reapplied to the court for continued legal guardianship of Mattie, and had filed a petition for formal adoption, her father had fallen off the wagon and was no longer a fit parent.

"So I had to break the news to Mattie, but I promised she would never be left alone again. Jen had asked to accompany me to London, so as her commanding officer I cut her orders to detach to Blacksburg hospital where Mattie was – and I haven't heard the last of that either – but my posting couldn't be delayed, and as I said I wasn't going to leave her on her own.

"Then the evening we were due to leave, Mac came over to say goodbye. We barely been able to talk to each other where officers were 30 feet apart, and I knew despite any promises to the contrary that with 6000 miles between us whatever we had was going to wither on the vine, so I took Mattie's advice, and the bull by the horns, I told Mac I was sick of the dance we been dancing for nine years, that I loved her, that I wanted to marry her. She looked at me… I don't know how to explain how she looked at me… It was a sort of mixture of regret and horror she said, 'I can't marry you, Harm. You will always be my best friend, but I don't love you, not like I would need to for us to get married. I thought I did, but I don't.'"

Gill shuddered at the note of despair in Harm's voice as he recounted his last meeting with the woman thoughts of whom had dominated his life for nine years, "What happened then?" she asked quietly.

"She left, went to San Diego. I came here. She'd rung down the final curtain."

"And you came here, and found me. It might seem a little inadequate, but after all you've told me this evening," she took a quick glance at her watch, "and this morning, I only have one question, bearing in mind what you said when I arrived about us being friends and you wanting to move forward from there, I don't want to be... I won't be your rebound girl. Can you promise me that I'm not?"

Harm didn't hesitate, not even for a second. One at least of Mattie's lessons had sunk home, "Gill, whatever you are, whatever you, whatever we might be, and I really want that to be us together, you are not, and you never have been my rebound girl."

Gill looked at him appraisingly for long seconds before she allowed her face to relax into a smile, "in that case, I am as keen as you are to see where we lead us. But for now, you have given me a lot to think on, and it is late, so if you don't mind, I think I'll take you up on that offer of the bed."

"Of course!" Harm was instantly on his feet, a hand extended to help Gill off the couch, "I'll walk you up," he offered, "but then I need to secure down here, and do a bit of tidying up, so take all the time you need in the bathroom."

Gill took his hand, and as she stood she leaned in and kissed him gently on the mouth. "There's no need to walk me up, Harm, I can find my own way. And I promise I won't keep you waiting too long for the bathroom."

And despite his protests, Gill stuck to her guns, pausing only long enough for one additional kiss, before she bid him good night, but as she reached the door she stopped, turned and smiled before she left him alone.

xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx

By the time Harm had poured the mostly untouched two glasses of wine down the sink, had finished tidying the kitchen and made sure the house was secure, both the bathroom and Gill's room when darkness. Harm wouldn't help but feel that Gill's kisses were somehow a goodbye

xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx

Gill listened to the silence of the darkness, her mind whirling, she was astute enough to realise that although Harm had bent over backwards in an attempt not to place all the blame for their dealings on the absent Mac, he had taken an unnecessary share the blame on his own shoulders. She was also aware that he had erred perhaps too much on the side of justice, and in fact had made excuses for Mac when he could.

But through it all had shone his steadfastness; in the face of repeated rebuffs, in the face of her 'running to the first man who showed interest in her', and finally in the face of her ultimate rejection of him, there still remained a nucleus of loyalty to Mac, and she felt a flash of jealousy as well as a condemnation towards Mac. In comparison with that depth of attachment any woman who could throw it away with one sentence, after nine years of proof, didn't deserve it. Gill Shephard, reassured by Harm that he was not just on the rebound, made a silent promise to herself that she would be the next and last recipient of that loyalty. That somewhat jumbled thought in her mind, she rolled over onto her side, and closed her eyes.

xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx

Johnny Walker slowly blinked his eyes, suffused by a feeling that all was well with his world. As he became fully awake, so last night's events came into sharp mental focus. Propping himself on an elbow, and feeling her absence from the bed, he looked for Julia, to see her, dressed apparently only in his shirt, sitting in the elbow chair next to the window, her eyes fixed gravely on his face.

"Good morning," he tried, trying to still the anxious butterflies that had suddenly taken up residence in his stomach.

"Good morning," Julia replied in a neutral voice.

"Is there something wrong?" Johnny asked carefully.

"Why? Do you think there is?" Julia answered.

"From my point of view, yes, there is something wrong. Very wrong. I'm in here, and you are over there. And that makes me think that you think there's something wrong."

Julia summoned up a watery smile," I want… I didn't want you to wake up, with me still in bed with you, just for you to say that last night was, that we were, a mistake, and that you were sorry."

Johnny nodded, "Okay, you were right, I am sorry, I'm sorry that you were still not in bed with me when I woke up, because that means I can't kiss you, I can't hold you, and I can't whisper in your ear and tell you how very much I love you."

Julia's eyes flooded anew, "Do you really mean that?" she asked with a quaver in her voice.

"Every single syllable," Johnny said earnestly, "but if you don't believe me, why don't you come back over here, so I can show you?"

Julia stood, but hesitated, "Do you really think you can prove anything like that?"

Johnny shrugged," Honestly, I don't know. But I do know I can try to prove it, provided you're willing to give me a chance…"

"I can accept that," Julia agreed as she stepped back towards the bed, her hands going to the buttons on Johnny's shirt.