Disclaimer: Nick owns the TMNT, not me. I just write this for fun.

A/N: 2012 'verse, and my first attempt at Raph's POV. Takes place before the start of Season 3, at the farmhouse while Leo was in his coma.

004. Light

"Don't let the sun go down on me,

Although I search myself,

It's always someone else I see.

I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free.

But losing everything,

Is like the sun going down on me."

-Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me by Elton John

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

I remember when Leo and I were small. Nine maybe. I had managed to convince Leo that it would be a good idea to sneak out super early in the morning so we could see the sunrise. I still don't know how I managed to talk Mr. Goodie-Goodie into that one.

Splinter forbade us to go to the surface, and Leo was always sure to be all preachy about it too, like a stick was shoved way too far up his shell.

But somehow, on the first day of summer, I talked him into coming out with me. We had never really seen the sunrise before. And I really wanted to. I think he really wanted to as well...and just needed me to give him the nudge to go.

We had heard Splinter's stories about the sunrise, we had seen it on the TV, seen rays of sun filtering into the dojo, but there was nothing like seeing it for the first time face to face.

Being ninjas, and raised to be at home in the shadows, sunsets are something that we have seen a lot. And it's nothing like a sunrise. Sunsets are darker; colder...like an unwanted ending...but the sunrise...

I'm not poetic or anything, that's sissy Mikey stuff, but it was awesome. The warmth, the colors, and the light. And I'll never forget that goofy grin that Leo smiled as the rays first hit his face. I miss it. I miss our home.

I miss him.

The lighting in this old farmhouse bathroom sucks. Its at a side of the house that doesn't get much light, and those old musty curtains block what little sun tries to sneak its way in. Only one stupid light bulb works in here, and it's probably like a -10 watt thing or something.

I can see the sun when I go out and train, but it's not the same. The sun is different here, in this dumb country air. I'm used to the sun through the smoggy city haze, the colors drawn out and melding together.

Most of the time I'm in here, anyways. Someone has to be here when he wakes up. Someone's gotta protect him, like he protected us.

I mindlessly dribble the warm bath water Leo's motionless body in the same robotic ritual I have repeated endlessly since we came to this place a few months ago.

I watch the rise and fall of his plastron as he breathes. It seems trivial and stupid to be giving my attention to something like that, but otherwise he's so still. Too still. And cold. We're cold blooded n' whatnot, and blah blah something Donatello had explained a long time ago but I tuned it out...but it doesn't feel natural for him to be so cold.

He's still and cold like...

I snarl at the thought. This just isn't right. None of it's right. It's all one big fuckin' nightmare I can't wake up from.

Leo...come back to us bro…

My mind is going through some dark places I'd rather it not.

A hesitant knock at the door breaks my concentration.

"What?" I bark harsher than I should.

But like most of what I do, it just comes out. Mind over matter is not my forte. Words before thoughts? Fortunately or unfortunately, that's more my style. Take your pick.

The ancient bathroom door creaks open a few inches and Donnie peers in. He's nervous; afraid of waking the sleeping giant, I suppose. They've all been walking on eggshells around me lately.

"Umm…" he begins, with typical Donnie awkward seeping into his words. "Lunch is ready and Mikey isn't here...so...could you get him?"

"Why can't you, brainiac?" I growl.

He's trying to get me to leave the bathroom. I'm onto their game. I may be dense at times, but I'm not stupid. They're all in on it; saying it's not healthy for me to be holed up in here all the time. But Leo needs me...I can't leave'm. I can't leave'm like we had to leave Master Splinter...like we had to leave our home. Why can't they see that?

Rage curls in my gut. A familiar emotion, but not one that I am very welcome to feeling right now. I need my mind to be clear. For Leo. Donnie isn't helping matters at all. I'm fine. Leo's the one who's not fine.

"You're way more...persuasive than I am," Donnie tries.

"Mikey doesn't need any persuading when food's involved," I snort. "So back the fuck off."

The egghead cringes at my language. Splinter obviously never liked such...colorful words, but he's not here right now, and I need to get my point across.

"You need to get out more, Raph," Donnie's voice is soft. "You're not doing anyone any good by not taking care of yourself. You need to keep up your strength. All this obsessive training and long hours with Leo while not taking in proper sustenance, or getting proper sleep…"

"Leo's our leader," I snap, "I don't need you tellin' me what to do!"

"I'm not telling you what to do, Raphael."

He's trying to stay calm, but I can hear the vexation in the fringes of his tone. For all the things Donnie and I don't have in common, a fiery temper ain't one of them.

"Sure sounds like it!" I shoot back. "Leo needs me. What if he wakes up, and no one's here? You spend all day in the barn doin' whatever shit you've been doin; Mikey spends all day playing Ol' McDonald's farm…"

Donnie sighs, and it sounds heavy, as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. It's like a sick reflection of how I feel right now. Like there's lead in my stomach; or like I'm wearin' a pair of designer concrete shoes.

"I'll stay here with him, Raph. You go get Mikey and eat some lunch. Then come back. If anything changes...You'll be the first I tell. Ok?"

I don't like the emphasis he put on the word "if". There's a finality to it that doesn't sit well in my mind. There's a protest on the tip of my tongue, but the incessant growling of my stomach pushes it away. Part of me knows Donnie is right, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I rise awkwardly to my feet from my crouching position, my legs feeling numb from being in the same spot for so long. I cast one last look at Leo before pushing forcefully by Donnie and mumbling a quick "thanks" to the dork. I'm not even sure if he hears me, and frankly I don't care.

I stomp my way down the stairs in the opposite fashion of ninja stealth. It's my way of letting everyone in the house know that I am protesting their actions. I can hear Leo's voice in my head telling me that I'm being a drama queen, and then my own voice cutting some snarky retort…

Will I ever hear his voice again?

My throat clenches.

And once again I push it away.

In the living room, Casey is watching Crognard and I can hear April clattering around in the kitchen. I'm not in the mood to speak with either of them, so I pass on by and head to the front door. I can hear Jones calling to me as I slam the front door behind me, but I ignore him.

Spring just began, so the weather is beginning to warm up. The grass brushes my feet and wedges between my toes as I trudge a few steps into the front yard. I scan the area for my pipsqueak brother and grumble in frustration when I see no sign of him.

The chickens are pecking around the barn making those annoying clucking sounds, and the only other sound I can hear is the moaning of the wind as it scratches its way through the still naked trees. It's not like the little nerd to be so quiet, so he's either far away (which will make this harder than I really feel like contending with at the moment) or has found something truly weird to occupy his stupidly short attention span.

I raise my hands to my mouth to amplify my voice and call out, "MIKEY! WHERE ARE YOU?"

If there's one thing my big mouth is good for is being a makeshift megaphone. Cuts searching time in half, and is great for putting little brothers in their place.

I get no reply, but a green arm rising from the longer grass at the edge of the woods catches my attention. A three fingered hand waves at me in an acknowledgement to my call. I head over to the moving limb as if it's a lighthouse in a stormy sea.

When I reach Mikey, I see that he's lying in the grass, arms and legs spread so he's taking up as much space as possible. His blue eyes are fixated on the sky and his mouth is upturned at the sides in a slight, contented smile.

"'Sup, brah?" Mikey asks smoothly.

His calmness pisses me off. How can he just be out here like this, relaxing in the grass as if he doesn't have a care in the world? When in fact the world and everything else in our lives has gone to shit?

I cross my arms tightly across my plastron, its hardness pushing into my flesh.

"Lunch is ready, dorkenstein," I state simply, not hiding the frustration in my tone.

"That one looks like Ice Cream Kitty, doncha think?" Mikey inquires lazily.

"What?" My eyes widen, and I'm taken aback. Mikey is prone to spouting randomness out of his beak, but this is just weird...even for him.

He points up to a lumpy cloud in the sky.

He then rolls his head languidly to the side and regards me with a joyful, toothy smile. The clouds which are moving through the sky are reflected in his eyes.

My little brother's peacefulness makes the anger lance through me and marks me like a glowing brand. I uncross my arms jerkily and my hands form tightly clenched fists at my sides. My muscles quiver, coiled like a snake ready to strike.

Mikey has no right to feel this way.

To be this way.

To be happy.

When I'm…

When Leo's….

That orange masked idiot has no right.

"No, dumbass, it looks like a giant fucking squirrel, now come on. I don't have time for this crap," I'm pissed, and I want to make sure he knows it.

Mikey shudders as his eyes screw shut. There is no mistaking the momentary flash of anxiety that crosses over his face. That moron is ridiculously afraid of squirrels. I think I upset him. Whatever. He needs to grow a pair. And if he dares to say that the cloud looks like a cockroach, I'll pound his head so far down his shell he'll be eating pizza on the toilet. Not that I'm afraid of them or anything. They're just gross. And creepy. And nasty.

"Didn't you hear me, Mikey? Donnie told me to come get you, so if I don't come back with you, I'll have to listen to him go on a tangent about how skipping meals is bad for you or some other related gibberish," I raise my voice and crack my knuckles to get my point across. "So are you going to come willingly, or do I have to drag you by your disgusting smelly feet?"

"Fine," he stands up and pouts, putting on that stupid face he does when he's making it known that he doesn't want to do something, but knows that I will kick his ass if he doesn't "But my feet aren't disgusting and smelly, brah. Stubby, Joey Nails, Captain Pinky take offense to that. Come to think of it, the stinky triplets are smelly...but they aren't disgusting."

I grab his puny mask tails and start to drag him along. This delaying crap is ridiculous. He lets out a girly squeak in surprise, his feet stumbling to keep up.

"Raph, wait!" he protests. I stop mid step, let go, and turn around harshly. The glare I am giving him right how is perfect. I wish I had a mirror. He flinches slightly, probably waiting for me to pummel him...I've trained him well.

"WHAT? This had better be good, dork," I growl.

"You didn't tell me what you thought the cloud looks like!" he says quietly.

I face palm and run the hand slowly down my face where it falls heavily to my side.

Seriously?

Whatever, I'll humor his empty head. Gotta give it the right effect, though. I put on my best mockery of Donnie's science nerd face and put a hand on my chin. I stare at the dumb cloud, the sun behind it shooting out its rays like my favorite video game.

That one Leo and I always used to play…

My eyes narrow in anger. I cannot deal with this shit now.

"It looks like stupid," I grind out finally.

Mikey get this really absurd look on his face, like the gears are churnnin' in there, but nobody's home to keep them from rusting out of their sockets.

"How can something look like stupid?" he asks, scratching his head.

"When it looks like your face." Oooo good one, Raphael.

He flinches, and pouts again. There's an unshed rim of tears in his eyes.

Okay...maybe not so good.

He doesn't normally react like this...what's his deal today?

"Whassamatta?" I ask, trying to keep the tone of concern out of my voice. I really do love my midget of a brother...but I have a rep to keep, of course. Street cred and all that as Mikey would say.

Mikey sniffs and blinks away those tears before they fall. He becomes really quiet.

"We never really got to see the sun much at home," he remarks with a strange seriousness that isn't normal for him.

"Yah...so?"

What is he gettin at?

He shrugs and glances away from me, digging at the ground with one of his feet.

"Well, dude," he mutters, as if he's embarrassed or something. "I decided that while we are out here, I want to see the sun as much as possible. I want to remember it, y'know, every detail. I wanna be able to tell Leo about it. I've watched the sunrise, and the sun set, and the clouds..."

I freeze at the mention of Leo. Even though I am with him most of the time, and he is on my mind all the time, hearing my brothers and friends speak of him drives the reality of his condition home more.

It pisses me off more than anything the way they pussyfoot around me and try to act all hopeful when I can tell they don't think Leo will ever open his eyes again. I'm not fooled for a second. The way Casey avoids me...the way April's smiles seem devoid of life...and the hopelessness buried in Donnie's eyes all tell me the truth they dare not say. I know they are doing it for my sake because they care and all that, but I would rather they just come out and say their thoughts straight to my face. I haven't busted their chops for it yet, but the time is coming. My patience with this is surprising even myself. I guess I am focusing all my energy on my older brother. Because I know he's going to wake up again. It's only a matter of time. He has to. There's just no other option. Period.

I feel as if the sun is setting and the darkness is gathering around me. Twilight fading into night. So much has changed lately, that it really is like the sun set on one life, and is refusing to rise for another. My dad is gone, my brother is gone, my home is gone...and all I have left are shadows. Shadows of memory and shadows of family. I cannot beat the shit out of shadows. All I can do is stand in them and think about them. And it sucks. Fucking sucks.

I'm thinking so much that I'm getting a headache. It burns behind my eyes and I realize just how drained and exhausted I feel. I definitely missed the tail end of what Mikey was saying. Not that it's hard to do. The goober babbles on so much that I have no other option just to tune him out or go crazy in the process. It's hard to listen to Mikey's weirdness without being drawn into it yourself. And I am all set with imagining that cupcakes are magical and being upset that leprechauns are not real.

When I finally focus on what Mikey is saying again I hear, "...when he wakes up."

When?

I need to make sure I heard that correctly.

"What, Mikey?" I ask, and it's a real question. No sarcasm, no snarkiness, just me.

"I was saying that I wanna tell Leo when he wakes up. It's dark and dingy in that bathroom...he'll need something to lift his spirits."

There is was again.

When.

When he wakes up.

I've said it more times than I can count, but hearing Mikey say it is a validation that I have needed. Trust Mikey to understand. For a dork he's not so bad.

I allow my attitude to drop for a few minutes. Truthfully, I know he's hurting just as much as I am. And he's doing an amazing job of hiding it, too. Mikey can be emotional at times and he's been just as obnoxiously chipper as ever here. For the benefit of everyone else, I am sure. An act. A mask. But, after everything we have been through, my little brother is smiling right now, and it's a genuine smile. Not that half-hearted shit Donnie tries to give me, or that one full of unexpressed pity that April throws my way.

"That's right, Mikey," I think I crack a small smile. Very small. Like one you could only see under Donnie's microscope. "When. Now let's head back, little bro. We can eat lunch with Leo and you can tell him about the sunrise. Leave the sun set outta it for now."

Mikey nods and starts going back to the farmhouse with me. I put my arm around his shoulder and give him a noogie. I think he understands. Out of everyone here...I can count on him to understand.

Like I said before, I'm not a pansy poet...but Mikey just became my sunrise.