Chapter 22: Shadow

Author Notes:

TW: Mentions of suicide

"How many lights? Rei? Korra? Avatar? I guess it doesn't really matter..." a familiar voice questioned in the darkness. "Do you remember that fun game Zaheer played with you all those years ago? He really messed with your head. Our head."

"I'm not playing," Korra replied with a groan, sinking to the ground with folded legs. "Besides, there aren't any lights in here. It's pitch black."

She heard Rei chuckle, that same, irritating, infuriating laugh. It was always filled with a tone that suggested Rei always believed herself to be right. That she'd be able to run rings around Korra in her nightmares no matter how much she recovered physically back in the real world. So far, that belief seemed to be well placed. Korra always ended up acting or doing exactly what her other self wanted.

"But you are. You just told me there's no lights in here. That counts," Rei smirked before sitting in a lotus position just a meter in front of Korra, that crooked smile never leaving her face. Korra hated just how casual and common this nightly meeting had become. How mundane. There was none of the gravitas and horror of the earlier visions. Just simple little mind games surely meant to torment her. "...Oh don't look so glum. If you don't like that game we can play another one. How about we see who can burn down the Earth Queen the fastest? You have an unfair advantage there, what with your expertise, but I'm willing to let that slide."

Korra closed her eyes over, to wait this out until she inevitably awoke in a fit of trembles and screams in her bed. But as per usual her eyes were forced open again after only a second, back to staring at her reflection. It wasn't an accurate reflection of herself anymore, at least not appearance wise. Rei was still dressed in the garb of the Red Lotus, armour plating still in tact. She even had the cropped hair that Korra had grown out since and tied into a braid, trying to get as far away from this version of herself as possible.

"No," Korra grumbled.

I wonder if my spirit is infected or something...infected by Vaatu maybe...

"I suppose we do have a similar color scheme," Rei smiled thoughtfully. "But I gotta tell you, there's no Vaatu here. Just you. Only you."

Korra rubbed her forehead in frustration. She'd forgotten this demon could do that. Listen to her every thought. It's why she could be so easily tormented here. All of her deepest regrets and worries were laid out bare.

"Normally you're much more talkative here, Korra. Something bothering you?"

Shouting you mean.

"I was just trying to be polite, but yes – that," Rei leaned back a little, pupils shifting as though in deep thought as they rubbed a hand in their short hair. "Maybe a quick game of Pai-Sho will lift your spirits..." She smiled slyly before leaning forward, right into Korra's face. "Asami must've taught you at some point."

"I told you not to talk about Asami," Korra practically snarled, trying to keep her voice level. "If you really were me, you'd know fine well that the only thing Asami taught me was how to drive, and not very well at that."

Rei didn't pay Korra's statement the slightest attention, getting to her feet and striding around in front of her. "That's still a particularly sore topic, isn't it? Even after all this time...you can't quite let her go. You thought that if you stopped writing her letters she'd just fade away, but she still sends them, right? And every single one hurts. I feel it too. It hurts so badly. That guilt." She placed a hand on her stomach.

"DON'T PRETEND TO KNOW HOW I FEEL!" Korra boomed as she launched herself upwards in a frenzy and wrapped her hands tightly around Rei's throat. She couldn't bring herself to squeeze as her arms trembled furiously.

Rei grinned widely. Korra had risen to her jibes, as always. "I'm not pretending anything. I feel what you feel. You and I are one in the same." When Korra increased her pressure slightly Rei's smile somehow grew wider. "You think that hurting me will end me? You'll only hurt yourself, moron. We're one in the same."

Korra gritted her teeth painfully before shoving the other woman away with a swift push so they now stood a few paces apart. "What if I end myself? If we're one in the same then...then you'll die too..."

For a fraction of a second Rei looked concerned, but soon the confident smirk returned. "You wouldn't do that."

"I might..." Korra retorted with narrowed brows. "It's not like I haven't thought about it. Even before Zaheer. An Avatar as messed up as me shouldn't be in charge of maintaining balance between light and dark if I can't even do that for myself. Maybe this time I should do the right thing...give the world an Avatar it deserves. One who can actually protect people instead of hiding away at home. Fighting with myself." Korra almost wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it. "Actually fighting with myself...how self centered is that…"

"Imagine what that would do to mom and dad...they'd be devastated...they'd never recover. And Asami...poor, forgiving and giving Asami. What do you think she would do?"

It churned Korra's heart painfully just to think about it for a fraction of a second. "She'd...she'd be okay in the end. She's a survivor. A fighter. She's endured worse. My parents would too, eventually." Truthfully, Korra wasn't sure of either of those things.

"Hmmmmm…." Rei hummed for a few seconds. "You don't put much value on your life anymore, do you?"

"I never did, I always put my duty as the Avatar first," Korra argued back firmly. "My duty to protect people."

"That's all you ever talk about...your duty…" Rei said with disgust. "The Avatar can do whatever they want. You can do whatever you want. You don't have to follow the same path that's been laid down for you by past Avatars. That's what Zaheer tried to teach you. The first Avatar was much the same. He strived to do something different."

Korra flopped down onto her back and sighed. "So did I..."

Rei leaned over her with a grim expression. "You failed. You'll always fail. Your scars run too deep. You're broken."

With one last cruel jibe, Rei disappeared in a red and black haze, leaving Korra slumped in the darkness. "Broken..." she exhaled heavily, closing her eyes slowly, knowing that this time, she'd wake up back in Harbor Town. Home.

"I hunted it down special," Tonraq smiled as he pointed to Korra's plate, piled up with all manner of meat. Normally she would've salivated at the sight, but right now it made her feel a little ill. She didn't reply, instead staring at the bandage on her father's arm.

"It wasn't your fault, it was an accident honey," Senna assured as she sat down beside Korra, eyes wide with concern. The same way they looked when I burned dad...except she was scared too. Scared of me. Her own child.

Tonraq nodded readily with a warm smile. "You didn't do it on purpose."

But she had. She'd sent a flame flying at her father in the middle of the night, when he'd came to check on her, as always. She thought he was someone else. Rei. Zaheer. Any of them, and she'd retaliated furiously, without hesitation. It wasn't self defence. She'd wanted to kill the person in her room. If her father wasn't such a skilled water bender then...

"Here's your mail," Senna said gently, passing over a couple of letters. Three in total. A lot less than there used to be. Korra could hardly blame her friends for that. She hadn't exactly been the best for responding. It was actually pretty amazing that any of them bothered with her after all this time and no word.

One was from Tenzin. He'd folded the envelope precisely. Another from Jinora. She'd probably insisted on writing her own, not just signing it off with her dad's, even putting it in its own envelope. That made Korra smile a little. At least Jinora hasn't changed that much whilst I've been gone.

Korra felt a twisting pain at the sight of the handwriting on the final letter. She figured that was the result of all the conflicting feelings that precise handwriting brought. Guilt and worry. What if Asami had really given up communication? What if this was the final letter she'd ever get from her? It was her own fault anyway. She'd been the one to stop talking. To lie. To hurt her.

But it filled her with warmth too. Hope. The slightest glint of hope that maybe, just maybe, she could get back to her old self.

Tenzin's was a fairly quick read, basic updates from Republic City, words of encouragement, insistence on meditation – he'd avoided using the word patience for once – and informing her that he would be visiting Master Katara in a weeks time. It was a not so subtle hint that Korra should reach out to him, if he was going to be in the south anyway, though she was pretty sure he wouldn't come without her permission.

Jinora's letter was startlingly similar to her father's, however with a much softer tone, and a much less subtle request to come visit Korra in the south. She mentioned Asami once at the start.

"How is Master Tenzin doing?" Tonraq asked softly.

Korra replied with a word that had become second nature. "Fine."

Tonraq shared a concerned glance with Senna, but didn't push any further. It was hard looking at either of them when they were like this, all smiles and reassurance. They should've been angry with her for what she'd done. Tough love. Maybe that was what she needed…

When it came to reading Asami's letter, her parent's interest always seemed to peek for some bizarre reason. Korra raised a brow at them before they quickly busied themselves with clearing dishes, pretending like they hadn't been staring. Korra rolled her eyes with with a smirk at their efforts before prying open the last envelope.

Dear Korra

I'm going to try and be as honest as possible with this letter, because trying to avoid confrontation is starting to drive me insane. I just, I'm sick of this communication being so one sided. I told you I missed you, and I do, so much, but I can't -

The writing was a little smudged here. Korra felt her insides churning again. She could hear all of this in Asami's voice. Cracking at every vowel.

I can't keep going on missing a person that might never come back. I've been stuck in limbo for the last two years. It sometimes feels like I never got out of those damn caves, at least I felt alive then. I need you to tell me what you want. What you really want. So that I can move on, or come back, or whatever. I just can't go on acting like everything is okay. I'm stuck in the past here. Maybe you are too.

So please Korra. Send me a letter. Tell me what's going on. I don't care how bad it is. I want the truth. I need it. I'm sorry for how angry this letter sounds, but I figured you'd appreciate some honesty.

Love, Asami.

Korra couldn't help but crumple the letter with a trembling fist, her anger soaring all of a sudden. Anger directed entirely at herself for putting Asami through the emotional wringer again. She really sounded like she was at the end of her tether. Perhaps this was the final letter she'd ever get from Asami if she didn't respond this time.

How am I any different from Zaheer? I'm making her suffer just as much as he ever did...

Korra shot upwards from the table, which was met by wide eyed stares from both of her parents. They were scared of her. Just a little. Probably on a subconscious level more than anything else. How did a person go about fixing that kind of deeply engrained damage? Maybe they never do. But it's better to try. It has to be.

She still had her bending. She had her physical health for the most part. A half-baked Avatar was surely better than none at all. Tarrlok would probably have agreed with that one in the end.

"I'm going back to Republic City, after Master Tenzin visits," Korra declared with a tremble. "I...I'm hitting a wall here." She turned to face her parents who looked more defeated now than scared. They were probably just as frustrated with their daughter's recovery as she was. How much it had stagnated recently. "Katara can't help me any more than she already has...I've got to try something else."

"Are you sure you're ready?" Senna asked cautiously, taking a few steps towards her child and reaching up a hand to cup her cheek. Sometimes it was easy for Korra to forget just how much taller she'd grown in the past few years. It wasn't like she'd done much other growing up and maturing in that time.

Korra took a firm hold of her mom's free hand. "No..." She tightened her grip. "But I won't know unless I try. I can't stay cooped up in the south forever, and going to Republic City helped me so much when I was a teenager. It made me the person I was – the person I am. Maybe it'll do the same again."

"That's some logical thinking," Tonraq commented softly from the back of the room before smirking. "You've grown up much more than you let yourself believe, sweetheart."

Korra couldn't help but pout at him for that, which only made her dad smile more. "I take that back. You're pouting again, enough to make your face stick like that if you're not careful." Korra simply grimaced at him as Tonraq walked to stand behind his wife, placing a protective and bandaged hand on her shoulder. "I'll inform the White Lotus to ready a ferry for you at whatever time you wish."

"Don't bother, I – I need to do this myself, just like how I did the first time," Korra replied quickly. "I'll be fine, don't worry."

"You'll call us the minute you land on Air Temple Island," Tonraq insisted.

"The minute," Senna repeated with narrow brows, staring at her with just as much intensity as the huge man behind her.

Korra felt herself squirm a little under their gaze. "The second."

Don't you dare turn this boat around. Don't you dare turn this boat around.

Korra slammed a fist into the mast of her small boat with enough force to draw blood. She gritted her teeth furiously, every part of her screaming to look back at the city in the distance, its thousands of buildings reflecting beautifully against the relatively calm waters of Yue bay. That was her home. It was where she was meant to be. Needed to be.

But Rei blocked her path, standing on top of the waters surface with ease. She'd so hoped that her constant shadow would've been restricted to the south. To where her nightmares had been most vicious. Rei walked forward slowly, the water below her barely even rippling. She was challenging Korra to try her luck, continue sailing in the direction of the city.

Korra couldn't help but envy how her own demon seemed to have better control of the elements than she currently did. She pinched the top of her nose painfully as she considered her options. The sound of water drifting softly against the wood of the boat allowing her to calm her breathing a little.

She didn't know if Rei was real or not. Physical or spiritual, or maybe something in between. Korra hadn't been able to beat her in any of their encounters. Those had started after Korra was able to walk again and bend competently. But it had never been enough. This thing wasn't beatable – at least not in her current state of mind. Her current level of ability.

That made one thing pretty clear. Rei couldn't be allowed into Republic City, not if Korra couldn't control her. She'd end up hurting the people Korra cared about the most. Or Korra would end up doing it herself through the demon's manipulation.

She needed to be stronger, have the edge over Rei. And there were two things that monster definitely didn't have. Connection to Raava and the past Avatars. Maybe...maybe a past Avatar had experienced this dual spirit thing before and knew how to resolve it. Or it drove them to insanity because they couldn't escape it.

Korra turned the boat around with a heavy tremble, glancing back to the city and Rei one last time before staring at the black horizon. Even though she'd actually left a month earlier than she'd informed Tenzin a few days ago, not getting to Republic City and her friends filled her with such a terrible emptiness and guilt. She couldn't imagine being able to get rid of her shadow in the month remaining before she was due to arrive in Republic City for real. They'd all be so disappointed in her...

I'm sorry, Asami.

After a few excruciating seconds Korra pulled a map out from her back pack. It belonged to her father who had sailed the four nations for several years after his exile from the north. Now his daughter was doing much the same all off her own back. She hadn't been exiled from Republic City. Raiko had practically welcomed her back with open arms like the twisted man he was.

"If I can get my past lives back, then maybe they know a way to reconnect to Raava, and get rid of that thing for good..." Korra muttered to herself as she ran a finger across the map's hide like surface. Talking aloud probably made her look more insane to the naked eye, but for Korra it had become one of the only ways she could work through any of her problems without getting so frustrated that she could barely function.

Aang had been so unresponsive since Vaatu, so maybe reaching out to another Avatar would be a better approach. Perhaps Korra's links to them hadn't been decimated in the same way that Aang's had. "Don't think about it," Korra tried to calm herself as she felt a horrible tightness form in her stomach. A cruel combination of the unexplainable loneliness she'd experienced since Harmonic Convergence and a rehashing of the extreme physical pain losing her past lives had actually caused. It'd felt like the Earth Queen stabbing her in the gut over and over again.

Roku. She had to try and speak to Roku.

She turned the boat so it was heading west, in the direction of the Fire Nation and the total opposite of the United Republic. There were several temples dedicated to her previous incarnation in the Fire Nation, most established by Firelord Zuko. Korra figured one would be as good as the other in this case, though the closest according to this map was in the Fire Nation capital city. A place that Roku frequented many times in his life, so surely a good place to try and reconnect with him.

If I connect with Roku then I'd get everyone else back, right? All that knowledge. I could fix this. Fix me.

Korra turned her head back to the darkness where she'd came. Republic City wasn't even visible now, only a light haze that rose high into the sky. A beacon of hope perhaps. She'd come back here eventually. She would. When she was ready. When she wouldn't put her family in danger, she'd come home.

End Notes

As painful as it is, I really, really love writing Korra's second self with voice. It's so much fun to write for a twisted character again.

There's two more chapters left in the prologue before the main story kicks into gear, another Asami chapter and a Korra chapter. That'll be a lot of fun.

Please leave your thoughts and such below, I love hearing from you! And thank you so much for reading!
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