Warning...the last flashback in this chapter is a bit more explicit than the previous ones.
Heed the warnings.
Chapter Six
Of Moats and Manatees
.
The next four days were a whirlwind of emotions, decisions to be made, well-meaning visitors, casserole dishes, phone calls, flowers, cards...
All he wanted was for it all to stop. He wanted everyone to go away. He didn't deserve all the love and concern that was being showered on him.
He was suffocating from the guilt.
Aaron, he'd noticed, was doing surprisingly well. He was taking care of Spencer since Spencer seemed incapable of taking care of himself. He'd make sure the doctor ate. He made sure he showered, and rested, and got dressed in something other than pajamas...it gave the older man a purpose; a reason to keep going. Otherwise, Aaron would have given up by now. If he didn't have Spencer to take care of, he had nothing else to do.
Rossi helped a great deal with the funeral arrangements. He insisted on paying for everything. He also made as many of the decisions as he could on his own, just disturbing the two grieving men if there was something only they could decide.
Garcia baked. Baking was how she dealt with tragedy. It was how she kept busy instead of breaking and falling to pieces. There were enough casseroles, cookies, cupcakes, and other treats to last a month.
Morgan tried to get through to Reid. He hated seeing his best friend give up. He knew the genius was battling his own demons, and he also knew the younger man felt responsible for what happened. He offered to take his friend to a 'movie', but Reid had refused to leave the house. He'd locked himself in the bathroom instead. Morgan kept watch.
JJ did whatever she could to help ease their day to day burdens. She cleaned and did the laundry. She cooked, or more specifically reheated, Garcia's many casseroles. She held them when they needed a moment. She was the mother.
Kate was there for support as well. She hadn't been a part of the team that long, but she felt connected to them. She also knew all too well the pain of losing a loved one far too soon.
Spencer knew they meant well, and he realized Aaron needed the support so he dealt with their hovering as best he could. He locked himself in the bedroom, only coming out to eat or when Aaron made him step outside to 'at least get some fresh air'.
At the time he wanted those four days to end. He didn't really think about what would mark the end of those days; however, when it finally dawned on him he wished he could have them back. Those days were concluded with a funeral.
It was raining the day they put Jack down to lay at his mother's side.
The cemetery was beautiful…..all greens and bright splashes of color here and there from the many floral arrangements that surrounded the small cherry wood casket. A sea of blacks and grays dotted the landscape as guests held up their umbrellas for shelter from the light drizzle.
The sky was all gray clouds.
The heavens were grieving.
...
...
2 years ago...
They had just completed the finishing touches on the sand castle, and Spencer and Jack were working on digging a moat around the perimeter.
"Papa, there needs to be water for the moat."
Jack looked up to his Papa, who in turn looked to Aaron with a smirk. He tossed him a bucket and gestured over to the ocean.
Aaron smiled, grabbed the container and moved away to retrieve precious moat water.
The other two continued to dig around the castle.
After a few minutes Spencer looked up wondering what was keeping his lover.
Why would it take him so long to fill a bucket of water?
He suddenly noticed giggling coming from Jack's direction. He looked at the boy just in time to see him point and laugh with sparkling eyes, "Watch out, Papa!"
Splash!
A bucket full of saltwater came roaring down on Spencer's head as laughter erupted from Aaron and Jack.
"Oh it's on now..." Spencer laughed as he tried to get up. He was stopped by Aaron tackling him back down to the sand. Moments later he felt Jack jump onto the pile with a gleeful squeal.
...
...
The rain picked up, soaking Spencer as he stood at the freshly dug grave.
Loose soil padded down, flowers bordering a small name plate with simple writing on its surface...
Jack Roy Hotchner
October 7, 2005 - July 25, 2015
The headstone would be placed later.
.
Will I be here later?
.
Aaron placed a hand on Spencer's shaking shoulder as he lifted an umbrella up to shelter them both. He murmured gently to the doctor, "Come on, Love. Let's go home."
.
Is that my home anymore?
Is that solace gone?
.
He was directed by Aaron's hand on the small of his back to the waiting limousine and headed home.
They arrived home fifteen minutes later.
If this was still their home...
.
It doesn't feel like it.
.
Spencer made his way to their bedroom to change out of his suit and back into pajamas, his clothing of choice recently. He looked at his reflection in the mirror of the master bath.
Sunken cheeks.
Purple encircling hollowed out eyes; dull brown and devoid of the genius' spark.
Pale skin.
Shaggy hair a mess from neglect.
.
Is this living?
.
After taking his suit jacket off Aaron entered the bathroom to witness Spencer's scrutinizing glare at the mirror. "It'll be ok, eventually." He crossed his arms over the doctor's chest and held on tight; pulling Spencer's back flush with his chest. "We just need to hold on to each other, Spencer. I just need you to hold on."
The younger man brought both his hands up to grip Aaron's arms at his chest and nodded briefly.
.
I have to tell him.
He needs to know it was my fault.
.
Aaron leaned his head down and kissed Spencer's shoulder. "I'll heat up something for dinner."
When the genius began to protest, the older agent shushed him, continuing, "You need to eat, Spencer."
With that, Aaron took his leave, heading to the kitchen.
Thirty minutes later found Aaron back in the master bedroom searching for Spencer. He'd heated up an early dinner of cheeseburger casserole and brownies a la Garcia.
"Spencer? The food's ready." But he didn't see his lover in the bedroom or the bath. There was an uneasiness invading his gut as he walked down the hallway toward the only other room on that side of the house.
Jack's room.
The door was slightly ajar which told Aaron that his genius was in the room. That door hadn't been opened since….
He slowly nudged the door open and peered inside. The scene he saw broke his heart.
Spencer was sitting on the floor leaning up against the side of Jack's bed clutching a stuffed manatee he'd won the boy at a fair on the boardwalk two years ago.
...
...
Two years ago….
"Get it, Papa, get it! I know you can do it!" Jack exclaimed with glee as Spencer attempted to toss a ring onto the neck of a glass bottle.
They had spent a lovely day at the beach and were now winding down with some games and junk food while enjoying the night life of the boardwalk.
Aaron looked on in amazement at just how terrible Spencer was at this game. He wasn't too surprised, though. His doctor wasn't the most physically graceful at times. He goaded, "Can't you just calculate the angle and speed of the throw to give you the best chance at success? You are a genius."
"I'll have you know I've done the calculations and it doesn't help. This thing has GOT to be rigged."
Aaron smirked at him. "Just remember, I only have $20 in cash on me…" he murmured in Spencer's ear.
"I've got money. Jack NEEDS that manatee, Aaron. I will not be defeated by a carnival game."
With that, the doctor narrowed his eyes, bit his lower lip in concentration, and sent the little red ring flying towards the bottles with a flick of his wrist.
At three tries per dollar, it only took $35 to win.
…
...
Aaron moved to the still form on the floor. He implored softly, "Love, what are you doing in here? Please come out and eat."
Spencer looked up, startled at the intrusion. He hadn't noticed the other man's presence. "I just needed to be close to him, Aaron."
Aaron sat down next to him, putting an arm around him and kissing the top of his head as Spencer leaned on his shoulder.
"Aaron, I have to tell you something."
"Of course. You can tell me anything, Spencer. What's wrong?"
Worrying his bottom lip, the genius raised his eyes to gaze into the face of the man he loved and confessed his sins.
"It's my fault," he murmured.
Aaron raised an eyebrow and looked at him with concern. "What are you talking about, Spencer? What's your fault?" He took his hand and carded it through his lover's tangled hair.
"Jack. Aaron, it's my fault he's gone."
"It was an accident, Love."
"No, no it wasn't!" He was getting angry now, angry that Aaron was being so gentle and loving when he didn't deserve it. He deserved to be punished. "I was high….I…I shot up when I got home that day. I've been using…d-dilaudid again. I didn't notice the red light, Aaron! Oh god…I wasn't paying attention to—"
Suddenly, the hand in Spencer's hair tightened its grip, holding the genius' head in place and halting his rambling.
Aaron's voice was low and dangerous, "What are you saying, Spencer? Are you saying MY son is dead because you needed a fix!?" He grabbed Spencer's arm with his other hand and yelled, "Why the hell would you do something like that, Reid!?" The anguish was evident in his voice.
"I-I needed t-to for-forget, Aaron…."
"What could you possibly have needed to forget so badly, huh, Reid?" He was shaking the doctor as he spoke, trying to make sense of the situation and needing an outlet for his rage.
Spencer couldn't take it anymore. He revealed the secret he'd been hiding and trying to bury for too long, "That you raped me!"
He stared at Aaron with wide, terrified eyes when he realized what he'd just said out loud.
Aaron let go of Spencer, the shock of the statement taking his breath away. "What? What are you talking about? I would never do that!"
Spencer shifted his eyes to the floor and forced the words out, "Um, that night…the night you don't remember? The n-night you blacked out."
Suddenly realization washed over Aaron's features as Spencer's words triggered his memories of that night…
...
...
He looked down at his lover and savored the sight of his lithe form. He was thrusting his hips, pushing his length slowly in and slowly out of the doctor's body as he writhed on the floor.
Shuddering breaths….quivering…..
Spencer's eyes fluttered open for a moment and his breath hitched.
His beautiful, hazel orbs traveled up to meet Aaron's for just an instant.
His brow furrowed and his face crumpled as he slowly closed his eyes again.
Tears escaped down his pale cheeks.
Was Spencer crying?
Aaron's pace quickened as he plunged his cock deep into his lover's depths. He heard a faint moan from the body beneath him. He looked down to see Spencer shaking, his face covered in a thin sheen of sweat, his eyes closed, and his breathing erratic. He was gorgeous, and beautiful, and erotic. He was alive. Aaron couldn't hold on any longer. With one last driving thrust of his hips he released his seed deep into his lover, biting down on Spencer's collar bone as he rode out his climax.
Panting heavily, he placed a hand on the genius' cheek, wiping away some of the moisture that had seeped from his eyes as he murmured, "Don't cry, my Love. We needed this...you needed this, Spencer. Everything will be alright, now. We're alive." He placed a tender kiss to the doctor's lips.
"Aaron?" Spencer spoke in a whisper the older man could barely hear. "Aaron, please….."
Aaron gently pulled his softened member from Spencer's trembling form. "I love you so much."
He rose and moved to the bathroom to clean up as Spencer rolled off his back and onto his side, pulling his knees up and curling in on himself.
There, in the middle of the living room floor, Spencer quietly sobbed.
…..
...
He remembered everything about that night.
He remembered taking Spencer.
.
"Aaron, wh-what are you doing?"
.
He remembered forcing himself on the younger man.
He remembered hearing his cries of protest.
.
"Aaron, stop!"
"I don't want this! Please Aaron….please don't do this…."
.
He remembered hitting him, and shoving him down to the floor.
.
"Spencer, stop fighting."
.
He remembered raping the love of his life.
"I have to get out of here." Aaron stood abruptly and rushed out of his lost son's room, leaving Spencer on the floor clutching a stuffed manatee and silently imploding.
I couldn't find Jack's middle name anywhere, so I used Haley's Dad's name, Roy.