Well, it didn't take long for me to decide to keep going with this story! I guess it's just begging to be told. Thanks to everyone who reviewed-it definitely makes it easier to keep up the writing.
So this chapter is a little heavy as Luke and Lorelai begin to sort through their issues. I tried to balance it out with some lighter moments because they are also trying to become them again, flirty fighting and all. Let me know what you think!
Happy reading!
"Stop looking at me."
"Sorry," Lorelai held her hands up in surrender from her spot in the passenger seat of the truck. "I just still can't believe you're willing to do this."
Luke sighed without taking his eyes off the road. "We've been over and over this, Lorelai," he said. "I want to be here for you. You don't bear all the responsibility for what went wrong, and you shouldn't bear the responsibility for fixing it."
"Okay, but if you change your mind…"
"Lorelai!" he snapped, his patience finally running thin. "I'm not going to change my mind. I'm nervous enough about this as it is, I don't need you reminding me about it."
She didn't respond but simply crossed her arms over her chest and stared out the window.
Realizing his comments may have seemed harsh, Luke glanced over at her and then reached to pry her hand free. "Sorry," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the back of her hand.
"Turn left," she replied, but squeezed his hand in acceptance of his apology. She directed him to the parking lot and he quickly pulled into a spot before he shut off the engine. Neither of them moved, but stared at the sleek office building in front of them. Somewhere in that building, they would be hashing out some of their biggest fears and confessions, digging out raw emotions, and figuring out whether they could work as a couple.
"This is scary," he confessed.
"I know," Lorelai said. "I drove here three times before I even walked inside."
"How'd you finally go in?" he asked.
Lorelai shook her head. "I'm not sure," she replied. "Maybe it was just a particularly strong day or I'd had a good night's sleep. But I just knew that I could walk in and tackle my problems."
"You're stronger than I am," he commented.
"Well, it took me two more appointments to actually say anything," Lorelai added. She was silent for a long moment, then turned to face him. "At the risk of you snapping again, I just want you to know that I'm not going to judge you, Luke. The fact that you're going to do this for me speaks volumes for what you're willing to do for us. But I want to make it an open space. We need to get it all out there. Maybe not today, but we can't hold anything back. So when you do come with me, can we agree that we'll be able to say anything with fearing what the other person thinks?"
Luke nodded slowly. "Open spaces," he nodded.
Lorelai leaned forward and squeezed his hand. "Thank you for this," she said. "If you really hate it, you don't have to come back."
He sighed nervously. "We can talk about that later," he said. "I just don't know what to expect."
"Are you ready?" she asked.
"I don't know."
"Want to find out?"
He nodded nervously. "Okay," he said.
They met in the front of the truck and walked towards the building. Lorelai was pressing the button for the elevator when she felt Luke reach for her hand, squeezing it tightly. Thinking he had something to say, she turned to him expectantly, but when he didn't say anything she realized he'd simply wanted to hold her hand. He was really nervous.
Lorelai led him off the elevator to a suite in the right corner of the hallway. She pushed the door open and Luke was relieved to see that it resembled a fairly normal doctor's office. Half of him had been expecting some sort of incense burning, hammock hanging, hippie cave that his sister would have frequented, but he could easily have been in any doctor's office.
Lorelai waited patiently as he filled out some paperwork and listened to a speech about privacy and the law, and eventually a woman with long brown hair came towards them with a wide smile. She was around their age, and dressed similarly to Lorelai, and he immediately understood why Lorelai had felt okay talking to her. As he shoved his hands in his pockets and watched the two women interact, it was like observing friends instead of a doctor and a patient.
The doctor then turned to face Luke with a friendly smile. "You must be Luke," she said, extending a hand. "I'm Abby."
Luke raised his eyebrows at the lack of formality, but shook her hand with a polite nod. "Nice to meet you," he said.
"Come on back," Abby said, leading them to an office. Lorelai had a seat on a small couch in front of a window and Abby sat down in an adjacent chair. After a moment Lorelai patted the couch beside her and offered Luke an encouraging smile.
As he sat down, he watched Abby curl her feet under her in the way he'd seen Lorelai do a thousand times. Shaking his head slightly, he even felt himself begin to relax. No wonder Lorelai was so comfortable coming here. Her mannerisms, her casual demeanor, even the way she decorated her office made it seem as if she and Lorelai were long lost sisters.
"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself," Abby said to Luke.
"Oh, well…" he said, taken off guard. "I'm sure Lorelai's told you a lot…"
"She's told me what she thinks, what she knows," Abby conceded. "But I'd like to hear what you have to say."
"Well, I run the diner in town," Luke started. "I've stayed in Stars Hollow most of my life, and I've known Lorelai for over ten years now."
"What else?" she asked. He gave her a questioning glance, and she prompted, "What do you like to do?"
"I cook a lot, experiment with different recipes," he said. "I like to camp and fish. My daughter likes to read, so I've been reading some of the books she likes so I can talk to her about them."
Lorelai tensed at the mention of April, but Abby didn't flinch. Luke wondered exactly how much she knew, but her poker face was exceptional if she knew everything.
"Okay," Abby said, effectively dropping the conversation. She turned to Lorelai and asked, "You had a pretty big week. How are you feeling?"
Lorelai sighed. "Sad," she admitted. "But I talk to Rory at least once a day, and she really likes her job. So even though I miss her, it's kind of a relief to know that she likes what she's doing. It takes away some of the worry."
"I'm sure that's a huge relief," Abby nodded. "And even just having the anticipation of her leaving must be a relief. I know you were dreading it."
"Yeah," Lorelai said. "I cried in the car for a long time after I left her, but then I went home and Luke was great that day."
"You two talked about some of your concerns?" Abby asked.
Lorelai nodded as she turned to look at Luke. "We did," she said. "I think we got some of the major topics of concern out in the open. We haven't really explored any of them, but we know what's out there. And we know where we want this to go."
"That's great," Abby said. "Communication is really important, and the fact that you guys have the same goal is huge."
"It means a lot to me that Luke is even here," Lorelai said.
"Did you tell him that?" Abby asked.
"Yeah," Lorelai said, turning to Luke. "You got that, right?"
He nodded. "Yeah, that has been made very clear," he said.
Lorelai smiled gratefully.
"So what do we want to talk about today?" Abby asked, looking between the two of them.
Luke was taken aback. He'd expected to be asked all kinds of questions that he had no idea how to answer. Being given the choice of a topic hadn't even crossed his mind as a possibility.
Lorelai turned to look at him. "Are there any burning questions on your mind?" she asked. "Safe zone, remember?"
He cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah," he said. "It's probably not our biggest issue…"
"We're not going to rank or order things," Abby assured him. "If it's on your mind, it's important enough to talk about it."
"Okay," Luke nodded, turning to Lorelai. "Well, in the diner, during Rory's party you said something about losing me as a friend. I thought we were pretty much back on track with our friendship at that point, so I guess I just wonder what you meant by that."
Lorelai nodded. "Well, I've been thinking about us a lot," she said. "And not just us post-April, but our entire relationship. And it occurred to me that somewhere, I don't exactly know where, but somewhere along the line I lost Friend Luke. Boyfriend Luke was great, and Fiancé Luke was wonderful at the beginning, but I think there were times that I missed our friendship, what we had before. I didn't realize it at the time, but hindsight I guess."
Luke thought back to the times before they'd become them. Many things were the same; they'd still argued over her diet and bantered over silly town meetings. Some things were better; he didn't spend many nights alone anymore, and he'd tolerated town events with more enthusiasm he'd had in the past. But as he thought about it, things had been lost as well. She'd stopped telling him about her concerns for Rory, about her hopes for her life, and even about her parents. He'd probably changed as well, but right now he could only see how she had changed as their relationship had evolved.
"I guess you're right," he said. "You became more…guarded."
Lorelai blinked in surprise. "What?" she asked, and he could tell she had very different thoughts on the topic.
"Well, there was a time you came to me with your fears and concerns," Luke said. "When Rory was little you'd tell me about how you were worried about her socializing or you'd come into the diner with some rant about how nervous you were about your plans for the inn. I tried to be supportive, to tell you what you needed to hear, to make you feel better. But once we started dating, you stopped sharing those things with me."
"You didn't ask," Lorelai countered.
"I never had to before," Luke shot back. "You'd come in, even if I was in the middle of something or if the diner wasn't even open and ramble about your life to me. Lorelai, I even gave you advice about your love life for god's sake!"
"I know," she said, suddenly realizing how hard it must have been for Luke to watch her flit from man to man right under his nose. "Sorry about that."
"I think maybe…" Luke sighed as he started to work things out in his head. "I had wanted you for so long, and maybe once I finally had you I was so scared that I was going to mess it up that I just kind of followed your lead."
"That's another thing, Luke," she said. "You put me up on this pedestal. I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but you've admitted it. You kept that horoscope and spent eight years…waiting for me. But then when we finally got together you were expecting your perfect Lorelai fantasy that you'd created in your head. But I'm far from perfect, Luke, and the second I teetered on that pedestal you completely freaked out."
He opened his mouth to deny her words, but quickly realized she had a point. "I was scared," he admitted. "I finally had everything I wanted, and I didn't want to lose you. If I made one wrong move you'd have been gone in a flash."
"You really had that little faith in me?" she asked. "Luke, I know I don't have the best track record, but you were different. I loved you."
Her choice of past tense was not lost on him and he clenched his jaw shut, trying to figure out what to say in response.
"Can I interject?" Abby asked softly, and Luke turned to her, having almost forgotten her presence in the room. "It sounds like there are some common concerns here. Lorelai, you felt as though you lost your friendship with Luke when you started dating. And, Luke, you felt as though you had to walk on eggshells because you were scared of making a mistake and losing her. How do you think those things might be related?"
They were both silent for a long moment before Lorelai sighed. "I guess, maybe, I put up some walls," she said. "Dating you was different for me because you already knew me so well, and I usually put this act on with the guys I would date. I didn't consciously do it with you because you'd always accepted me for who I was. But maybe, out of habit, I just stopped talking to you like a friend because I couldn't talk to you about you."
"You could have," he murmured.
"I didn't know that," she argued.
His head was starting to hurt. "Lorelai…"
"That was my biggest fear," she said. "After Liz's wedding, when I thought you might have been interested, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Because as much as I could feel things changing between us, I didn't want to lose our friendship."
Luke had never considered that. He'd just been so happy to finally be able to kiss her, to spend time with her when she wasn't eating a meal, that he hadn't considered how it had truly changed certain elements of their relationship, not all for the better. She'd even tried to tell him, in her roundabout Lorelai way, when he'd tried to cook her breakfast at her house.
"I felt like I wasn't doing it right," he heard himself say.
"What?" Lorelai asked.
"I tried to be thoughtful, I tried to do things that I thought you would want," Luke said. "I tried to cook you breakfast and you mocked me with Rory and made me pack everything and take it to the diner."
Lorelai stared at him for a moment before tears filled her eyes. "You're right," she said.
He hated that the tears were there because of him. He knew it wasn't the first time and certainly wouldn't be the last, not with everything they had to talk about. But he still didn't like it. "Don't cry," he said softly.
"No, you're right," she said. "Oh my god, Luke, I'm sorry. You were trying to be nice. And that summer when Rory was in Hartford and you offered to take me away for a weekend, I just told you I didn't have time. Or the time you rented Pretty in Pink and I called you Duckie for a week. You did all these things to be nice and I just kept teasing you about them. I was horrible."
"I didn't say that," Luke said quickly. "I just meant that at certain points in time I felt like no matter what I did, it couldn't make you happy."
She shook her head as she looked at him. "You did make me happy, Luke," she said. "Happier than I've ever been."
He sighed and looked to the ceiling for a moment. "It was kind of hard to tell," he muttered.
Lorelai nodded, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. "I should have told you," she agreed.
"And I guess I could have…told you that I felt that way," Luke said.
"I would have stopped," Lorelai said. "If you'd told me how you felt, I would have changed. Or tried to change."
"I know you would have," Luke said. "I guess it all comes back around to me being afraid of losing you. I didn't want to do anything wrong."
"And how did that turn out for you?" Lorelai snapped.
Abby scooted forward in her seat. "Lorelai, that was a little harsh," she said gently.
Lorelai looked down at her hands and picked at a fingernail. "I know," she said. "Sorry, Luke, you didn't deserve that."
"I probably did," he sighed.
"Okay," Abby said, cutting Lorelai off before she could say anything. "I have an assignment for you guys."
"Assignment?" Luke asked dubiously. Lorelai had not told him there would be homework.
"You two have a lot of built up anger and resentment that, from what I can tell, goes back several years," Abby said. "I want each of you to go home and write a list of questions for the other. No matter how sensitive, small, or relevant you think they may or may not be, I want you to make those lists. Take a couple days, ponder it, add to it, but don't take anything out. And next week, before you come, I want you to compare your questions for each other and see if there are any major topics that overlap so we can work on it next week."
Lorelai was nodding beside him. "Okay," she said. She turned to Luke. "Does that sound okay?" she asked.
"Yeah," he nodded. "I can do that."
"Okay," Abby said. "Can I offer my thoughts?"
Lorelai nodded silently. She looked exhausted and thoughtful. Abby looked between the two of them for a moment. "It seems to me like you're both really invested in this relationship," she said. "And I think that a lot of your concerns about your relationship have some common underlying causes that were the catalyst for what went wrong. I think we discovered a really big issue in the fact that your friendship seems to have disappeared, at least when you were engaged. That's obviously been a huge concern for Lorelai, so I want you to both be conscious of that, think about it, and figure out how to fix it."
For the first time, Luke was dubious of Abby's words. "Isn't that what you're here for?" he asked.
"Luke!" Lorelai snapped. "Sorry, Abby."
"It's okay," she waved a hand. "I can't fix this, Luke. My job is to give you a safe space to communicate and make sure you have some tools at your disposal. You know what one of your problems is. For now, let's focus on getting your friendship back and then we can tackle the next problem."
"Okay," Lorelai said, then turned to glare at Luke.
"Fine," he said. "Sorry about that comment."
"It's okay," Abby assured him. "We're out of time for today, but I'll see you with Lorelai next week?"
As much as he had been doubtful of what would come of today's appointment, Luke had to admit that he'd had some insight into his relationship he wasn't sure he would have gotten otherwise. They hadn't even discussed any of their larger issues, and he knew he was going to have to really commit to this. "Yeah, I'll be here," he said.
Lorelai's face morphed into relief, and he realized that she'd been concerned he wouldn't return. He made a note to talk about it later.
"Okay, well, it was great meeting you, Luke," Abby said as she stood, both of them following suit. "I'll see you next week."
They said their goodbyes and walked out of the office. In the elevator, Luke leaned against the wall and looked at Lorelai. "You do this every week?" he asked.
She turned to look at him, her arms crossed over her chest. "Yeah."
"Is it always this exhausting?" he asked.
She let out a scoff. "That was one of the easy ones," she said.
Unable to muster a response, Luke reached out and hooked his hand under her elbow, squeezing it gently. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," she said. "A lot to think about."
He nodded. "We've got to make lists," he said as they walked to the truck.
Lorelai rolled her eyes. "She must have been talking to Rory," she muttered.
Luke noticed her sullen mood and turned to look at her before he started the truck. "Are we okay?" he asked.
"I think we're pretty broken," she said. "Isn't that why we're here."
"I mean," he said, trying to keep his patience. "Are we still, you know, going to work on this?"
Her posture relaxed and she turned to look at him. "Oh, Luke," she murmured. "Of course."
He cleared his throat and nodded. "Good," he nodded.
She offered him a small smile as he started the car. "You know what I could go for right now?" she asked.
"What?" he asked, trying to look uninterested, but he could feel the corners of his mouth betraying him to twitch up into a smile.
"Milkshakes!" Lorelai exclaimed.
Memories of their car shopping trip a month earlier came back to him and he shook his head. "No."
"Come on, Luke, that place is on the way home," Lorelai said. "They were so good!"
"We're not stopping."
"Why not?" she asked. "You took the day off."
"Not to drink milkshakes."
"It will make you feel better."
"It will make me feel sick."
"If memory serves, I was right last time," Lorelai huffed.
He shook his head as he looked at her. "The amount of work it takes to be around you…"
Lorelai smiled, but her eyes were unsure. "Is totally worth it," she said. "Right?"
He squeezed her hand. "Right."
Lorelai turned back to the road and let out a squeal of delight as he pulled the truck into the parking lot of a small ice cream stand.
XXXXX
This was harder than he would have thought.
As Luke sat at his kitchen table, pad and paper in front of him and an untouched beer cracked open in front of him, he could only come up with the obvious questions he wanted to ask Lorelai.
Why did she go to Christopher?
Why did she marry Christopher?
Why didn't she tell me when she felt abandoned?
The phone rang beside him, and he picked it up quickly.
"Hey," Lorelai's voice greeted him warmly. "Ready for our night time chat?"
"Yeah," he said, picking up his paper and pen and moved towards his bed. He had already changed, and he settled under the covers. "Did you talk to Rory?"
"Yeah, she's doing really well," Lorelai said. "She's in Illinois, so there's a lot to cover since that's the Senator's home state."
"That's good," he said as he wrote.
Would I ever have been part of her relationship with Rory?
"I'm glad she's having fun," Lorelai said. "I would have loved to travel around like that if she hadn't come into the picture."
"Hmm," Luke nodded.
Why was she considering selling the inn?
"You okay?" Lorelai asked.
"Yeah, sorry," he said. "It was a big day."
"Sure was," Lorelai said. She was quiet for a moment before she said, "I was proud of you today."
"Really?" he asked.
"Very," Lorelai answered. "It's hard to go in there and just spill to a perfect stranger. Especially when I'm a sobbing mess beside you."
"You weren't a sobbing mess," he assured her. "I liked her. She reminded me of you."
"Uh, hopefully not too much," Lorelai tried to joke, but he could hear the nervousness in her voice.
Does she trust me?
"Not like that," he said quickly. "I can just see why you felt comfortable with her. I forgot she was in the room for part of the time."
"I think we did well," Lorelai said.
"Do you think it's okay that we didn't talk about the big issues?" he asked.
"Yeah," Lorelai said. "It took me three times to even bring April up by myself. I think we need to work up to the big things."
Is she still willing to help with April?
Luke wasn't sure exactly how he felt about Lorelai talking to Abby about his daughter. The protective father in him wanted to get angry, but the rational part of him realized that she wasn't trying to be manipulative or menacing. He had no one to blame but himself for the few interactions Lorelai and April had had. What could have been a beautiful relationship had been quickly killed by his veto.
"Luke? Did you hear me?"
"No, sorry," he snapped himself back to reality. "What were you saying?"
"I asked if you talked to April today."
Her question caught him off guard. They regularly talked about Rory and what she was doing, but Lorelai hadn't asked him anything about April. Not that he could blame her.
"No, not today," he took her olive branch. "She got to her camp on Monday, so she's been pretty busy."
Lorelai was quiet, then she said, "I really am sorry she couldn't make it to the boat trip, Luke," she said sincerely. "I know how much you were looking forward to it."
"It's okay," Luke said. "She's excited, so that's what's important, right?"
"Yeah, but it's okay to be disappointed for yourself," Lorelai said gently.
"Hmm," Luke said. "You know, maybe we could take a boat trip."
"Maybe," Lorelai said, but she didn't sound interested.
He recalled her comments about making sure April had a place to shower and blow dry her hair and realized Lorelai and boats probably didn't go along very well.
Would she do any of the things I like to?
"I guess it's not really your thing," he finally said.
"No, it's not that at all," Lorelai said quickly.
"Really?" he asked.
"Well, I'm not exactly ready to cross the Atlantic," Lorelai said. "But I could do an overnight trip. When the coast is within swimming distance. When we're a little further into this and I'm sure you'd rescue me if I fell overboard."
Luke laughed, knowing she was right. "I'd save you," he promised.
"You sure about that?" Lorelai asked.
"Positive," Luke said confidently.
"Good," Lorelai said. "But seriously, Luke, when things are better and we're more…official, a day on the boat with you? Sounds perfect."
He could picture Lorelai stretched out on the deck in nothing but a bikini and nodded. "Yeah, that sounds pretty perfect," he said.
"Especially with you in the pirate hat I plan on purchasing," Lorelai continued.
"No."
"Eye patch?"
"No."
"Can I at least by a stuffed parrot to sit on your shoulder?" she pleaded.
"Sure."
"Really?"
"No."
She huffed on the other end. "You're no fun," she said. They were both quiet before she asked, "Hey, does your boat have a name?"
"Not yet," he said. "I'm not really good at naming things."
"I am!" Lorelai declared.
"I'm aware," Luke said dryly.
"Yep, anything needs a name, just call me," Lorelai continued.
"And yet you named your daughter after yourself," Luke commented.
"I happen to like our name," Lorelai shrugged.
"Me too," Luke said honestly.
"I'll have to start thinking of good boat names," Lorelai continued. "Let's see, Madonna, Debbie Harry, and Bono are already taken by the stove, the fridge, and the coffee maker."
"I can't believe you named your entire kitchen," Luke muttered.
"And yours," Lorelai added. "How's Charles?"
"The fridge works fine."
"And I trust that Bert is doing well, handy as always?"
"It's fine."
Lorelai giggled, and then dropped her voice an octave. "How about my old friend King Arthur?"
"Lorelai!" he exclaimed, knowing that he should have seen that coming.
"Sorry, I guess it's still to soon to discuss him," Lorelai said, the teasing edge gone from her voice.
He wasn't sure whether to pick up the flirting again or change the topic, so he remained silent as he launched back into thought about their relationship status. He doodled on his paper for a moment before he began writing again.
Does she regret proposing?
"I crossed a line, didn't I?" Lorelai asked.
He sighed and tossed his pen and paper onto the night table. "No," he said. "It's okay, I'm just thinking."
"It's strange," Lorelai confessed. "Sometimes when we're talking it's so easy to fall back into our old flirty banter. But then one of us gets uncomfortable and we fall back into that weird place between friends and…more than friends."
"I know," he said. "I'm sorry we lost our friendship."
"Me too," she said. "I don't think either of us are to blame. It's not like we did it consciously."
"I don't know how to fix it," he admitted.
Lorelai sighed. "Maybe we just make a point to…I don't know, do one friend thing a week or something," she shrugged.
"Friend thing?" Luke asked.
"Yeah, something that doesn't involve dates or relationship issues or sex, just something fun between two friends. A movie, a town meeting, whatever."
"We did those things when we were dating."
"I know," Lorelai said. "I just hate that we lost that, Luke. We finally got that back, and now I'm scared all over again."
"I wish I knew how to fix it."
"I hated it at first," Lorelai admitted.
"What?"
She was quiet and then she said, "When you came to my house after looking up that car? It was so sweet of you to do that, especially after the car shopping trip from hell. It was the first time I saw the real you again, the Luke that I'd fallen in love with. And I was standing there, listening to you rant about how ridiculous the plan was, which I still don't agree with, by the way, and I was thinking, 'he's back. My Luke is right here in front of me.' But then you told me to tell the guy that I was your friend and I don't know, it stung a little."
"We are friends."
"I know," Lorelai said. "And I know I should be grateful even for that after everything. There was a point where I thought we'd never have another word to say to each other unless it was to curse each other out. But you just said it so casually, and I felt sad that I was only your friend."
"I didn't mean it like that."
"I know," she said. "But then you started ranting about my safety and bells and I saw you again. I thought maybe there was still hope."
"I wasn't sure at that point," Luke admitted, remembering the moment he'd been sure he was ready to get her back.
Did the song mean anything?
"Me either," she said. "I just thought…what if?"
"I don't think we should focus on those," he said. "I have a lot of what ifs tossing around in my head as well, but it doesn't really do us any good."
"I know," Lorelai said with a sigh. "Can I just put one more out there though? You know, for the road?"
"Sure," he said.
She didn't say anything for a long moment, but then she whispered, "Next week would have been our first anniversary."
"I know."
"I would've been pregnant by now. Or at least wanted to be."
Luke squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. The thought of Lorelai carrying his kid was too painful to imagine, especially since he wasn't sure if it would ever happen now.
Would she still want kids?
Is she still open to marriage?
Where would we live?
"I wanted that so much," he said. "In a moment of total honesty, I was always a little hurt that you planned that entire wedding with Sookie, not me. You didn't even ask me about any of it."
Lorelai was silent on the other end, and in his mind Luke saw her face crumbling as it had that afternoon in Abby's office. "Luke," she whispered in the way only she could. "I'm so sorry. I never thought…"
"I know," he said. "And I know I don't exactly scream place settings and floral arrangements, but…I don't know, I just would have liked to have some say. Or at least made to feel that way."
"You're right," she said. "I wasn't thinking. You should have said something."
"Well, Sookie made it pretty clear she was in charge."
Lorelai winced. "Yeah, she can be like that," she said. "I'll make sure she backs off this time."
Luke heard her words but took a moment to process them, and in his silence Lorelai tried to backtrack.
Where is her engagement ring?
"I didn't mean to assume anything," she said quickly. "I mean, you might not even want it, and I know Anna had issues with us getting married, so…"
"It doesn't matter what she thinks," Luke said.
"It did last time."
Luke wasn't sure he had the energy to deal with this particular conversation right now. "I still want to marry you," he said.
"I want to marry you too."
"I wish it was that simple."
She was quiet for a moment. "Luke, I…I love you."
"Oh, Lorelai, I love you too."
He heard her gasp quietly, and he wished he was there to see the expression on her face. "I don't think I realized how much I needed to hear that," she said. "Thank you."
Luke buried his face in his free hand. Lorelai never should have had to thank him for telling her how he felt. He should have told her. He could practically hear his mother lecturing him and feel his dad whacking the back of his head for his stupidity.
"I should have said it more," he said.
"You let your actions speak," she tried to excuse it.
"That shouldn't have been enough," he said. "And eventually, my actions were pretty horrible."
He could hear rustling on the other end of the line. "It's late," she murmured. "We've had a long day."
"We'll talk in the morning," he promised.
"Okay," she sighed. "Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"I know it was a lot and we're just putting everything on the table," she said softly. "But I feel really good about this."
"Me too," he said. "Goodnight, Lorelai."
"Night."
They both hung up the phone and Luke shut of his light, pushing his pillows into place. He lay down flat but found his mind racing with the revelations they'd had today. He knew there were still questions, things he had to ask Lorelai and talk to her about, but he felt like some sort of step had been made.
Suddenly realizing that he'd forgotten something, Luke reached over and picked up the phone, dialing her house from memory. When she picked up with a concerned tone, he said, "I forgot to tell you something."
"Okay," she said, her voice reflecting her confusion.
"I love you."
Lorelai giggled happily. "As much as I love hearing it, you don't have to say it every ten minutes," she said gently.
"Well, I should have said it when I hung up," Luke said. "That's what people they do when they hang up a phone, right? Tell them they love them."
"Well, unless it's a tax collector or a telemarketer or Emily Gilmore, yes, usually."
Will her parents ever accept me?
"So…I'll get better about it," Luke promised.
"You're not going to hear me complain," she said. "I love you too."
"Good night."
Again, Luke hung up the phone and settled down into his bed, determined to go to sleep this time. He tossed and turned for a few minutes before he ended up on his side, staring at the empty pillows that Lorelai had slept upon for years. He'd bought this bed when they'd started dating, and it still felt too big without her in it.
He flipped on the light and reached for his list.
Does she still want to sleep with me?
With the light now on he was wide awake, and he turned to look at the box that was still sitting across the room, near April's bed. He hadn't had much time to go through it, but there was one particular item he wanted displayed when Lorelai made it back up here.
He ripped the tape open and tossed aside some t-shirts and knick knacks, reaching for the item he'd been thinking of. He stared down at the picture for a moment, tracing his finger over Lorelai's laughing face, wondering if he would ever see her smile so fully again. Liz had given her a copy a candid from her wedding, of Luke and Lorelai seated at the buffet table. Lorelai had framed it and hung it on the wall of their bedroom-her bedroom-after the renovation had finished. He'd left its companion picture of their dance at Lorelai's, but he wanted to have some part of her here with him.
With a nod, he turned to place the photo beside April's school portrait on the coffee table. Hopefully Lorelai would notice when she was here again.
He scribbled one last question onto his list before he finally turned off the light for good.
Did she feel bad for letting him live in our house?
XXXXX
"Hey, what's that?" Luke asked as he nodded to the notebook Lorelai was writing furiously in as she sat at the counter.
She snapped it closed, then held up the black leather notebook with a nervous smile. "My list," she said.
His eyes widened slightly. "You need a whole book?" he asked.
Lorelai grinned. "Yeah," she said. "I hope you're full of answers there, Cool Hand."
"Okay, I needed less than a page," Luke said. "How could you possibly have that many questions?"
Lorelai opened to the first page and began reading. "Did Gilligan ever make it off the island? Is Tyra Banks's forehead really that big, or do they photoshop it? How does ink come out of pens? Where is Amelia Ear…hey!"
Luke grabbed the book out of her hands and frowned down at it. "Those are really the questions you wrote down," he said.
"Uh, yeah, we're being honest, remember?" Lorelai said, straining to reach him across the counter.
"Did you write any real questions in here?" he asked, flipping through the pages. Over half of it was filled.
"They're all questions."
"Important ones."
"They are important!"
"Who decided to eat a coconut?" Luke asked in disbelief.
"It's a legitimate question!" Lorelai said, finally grabbing the book out of his hands. "Seriously, what person was walking along and said, 'wow, look at that giant thing in a tree. I think I'll spend two weeks cracking its rock hard exterior open on the off chance it's filled with tropical goodness?'"
"Did you write any questions about us?" Luke asked.
"Yes," Lorelai said. "Page 30."
Luke glanced at her suspiciously as she held the book out to him. "Will Luke ever wear airpants? Lorelai!"
She giggled. "You're so fun to annoy."
"Well, you must be pretty constantly entertained," he tossed the book back to her, letting it slide across the counter.
She smiled as she clutched it to her chest. "I do have serious questions, I promise," she said. "I just wanted to make it a little less intimidating."
"Good," he said, offering her a small smile.
"So…Abby said we should cross reference our questions," she reminded him.
"Yeah."
"And we have an appointment tomorrow."
"I know."
"So I was thinking you could come over tonight and we could go over them," Lorelai said, hiding slightly behind her coffee cup.
"Really?" he asked.
"Yeah," she said with a nod. "If you want to."
"I do," he nodded. "I'll bring dinner over."
"Okay," she said with a smile. "Thanks for the coffee."
"No problem," he said, leaning in to kiss her cheek before she swung her bag over her shoulder. "I'll call you when I'm on my way."
"Just let yourself in," Lorelai said. "If you still have your key."
"I do," he confirmed.
"Good," she said. "Bye!"
XXXXX
Lorelai sat on the couch as she looked at her list of questions for Luke, which she had condensed onto a single sheet of notebook paper. She knew some of the questions were going to be painful, but she also knew that if they could get through this, it would all be worth it.
Why didn't he tell be about April?
Why couldn't I have a relationship with April?
Does he want to live with me?
Does he find me attractive?
Does he want more kids?
Would he marry me?
Will he let me have a role in April's life?
Will he defend me to Anna?
Does he regret saying yes?
Why did he buy a house without telling me?
Will he forgive me for Christopher?
Does he trust me?
Does he still love me?
Did ever love me?
She couldn't think of any other questions, so she set her pen down and went to the fridge, opening two beers and taking a long swing of one. She smiled when she heard Luke push the door open and call her name. "Kitchen!" she yelled.
"Hey," he said, appearing in the doorway with a bag of food in his arms. He set them down on the table and then leaned in to kiss her softly.
"Hi," she said, her eyes sparkling. "I opened a beer for you."
"And drank half of it?" he asked, eyeing the bottle in her hand.
"No," she handed him the full bottle. "So…eat and then read? Or read and then eat?"
"I had a salad earlier, so…"
"Reading it is," she said. She grabbed her paper and followed him into the living room. They sat down side by side on the couch, and she asked, "So we're just going to see what we want to talk about, right? Most of the heavy talking will be done in the carefully constructed safety zone of Abby's office?"
"Unless there's a big issue," Luke said.
"Okay," Lorelai said. She handed him her paper with a smirk. "I condensed it for you."
"How thoughtful," he said, handing her his own paper.
She glanced down at it, but then grabbed his arm. "Can we make this a safe zone too?" she asked. "No judgement?"
"No judgement," he agreed.
She swallowed hard and then looked down at his questions, not particularly surprised by anything listed there. Many of them were similar to her own. Only two were significantly unexpected, and she supposed their answers were linked somehow.
When she was done, she turned to look at Luke, expecting him to be finished as well. She was surprised to see him staring down at the list, his grip on the paper tightening as his hand formed a fist. "Luke?" she whispered. Something on her paper had really bothered him, and she couldn't imagine what it could be. "What is it?"
When he turned to look at her, she was shocked to see tears in his eyes. In all the years she'd known him, for all their highs and lows, she'd never seen him anywhere close to crying.
"You really didn't know?" he asked, his voice thick. He held up the paper in front of her. "You had to ask that?"
"Which one?" she asked.
He shook his head and let the paper fall to the floor, resting his elbows on his knees and jamming the heels of his hands into his eyes, as if trying to force the tears back in. "How could I have messed up this badly?" he asked.
She scooted closer to him and rested a hand on his shoulder, trying to offer any comfort she could. "Luke, I'd be happy to elaborate," she whispered. "But I'm not sure which question is giving you this reaction."
"You really didn't know," he said, turning to look at her, his eyes brimming with even more tears. "You don't know if I ever loved you? There wasn't even one moment in time where you believed it?"
"Oh," Lorelai replied. "There were times where I thought I knew. But I think now, looking back on things, I'm confusing what I thought I knew with what I wanted to believe. I don't know, it's a big mess in here."
"But even before April," Luke said. "When we were engaged and renovating, you didn't know?"
Lorelai sighed as she pulled back. "Luke, that time…I want you to know that I don't regret anything that happened with you," she said. "I would propose to you again, I'd renovate the house, the stuff with you I wouldn't change for anything. But everything that was going on with Rory at that time kind of made my head a huge mess. Maybe that's part of the reason you didn't want to tell me about April, I don't know. But I just…no, I was never really sure of it." She bit her lower lip and watched, unsure of what his reaction might be.
He shocked her by shaking his head and then turning to her, wrapping his arms around her waist. He buried his face in her neck and she felt the moisture from his face soaking into her shirt. She froze for a moment before she wrapped her arms around him and held him, knowing that he needed to get this out before they could have a rational conversation. She rubbed her hand over his back, trying to offer him any physical comfort that she could.
She wasn't sure how long they sat like that before Luke murmured into her neck, "I'm sorry, Lorelai, I'm so sorry."
"Hey," she said, pulling back to look at him. She'd never seen him look so vulnerable and scared, but she offered him a comforting smile to tell him she didn't think less of him. "We both screwed up here."
"But you should have known," he said desperately. "I always thought underneath everything you knew that."
"Well," she said. "I wasn't sure if the love you felt was for me or Pedestal Lorelai."
"What?" he narrowed his eyes.
"I think part of me was scared that those things you did to show how you felt-you know, bringing coffee up for me, bringing me lunch at work, letting me eat pie in your bed-I guess I just felt like you did those things because of who you wanted me to be, that perfect Lorelai in your head. She was the one you loved, and I was just the physical, less perfect version."
He shook his head. "That's not true at all," he said. "Lorelai, I don't…I don't think I even understood love until you."
She nodded slowly. "I think I'm starting to get that," she said.
"Please, you have to know that," he said. "I'll do anything, just to let you know how I feel about you."
"I'm starting to feel like we've been here before," she said softly. She'd made a similar speech to him outside the diner a year ago.
"God, is that damn night ever going to be behind us?" he sighed, leaning into the couch cushions and throwing his hands over his face.
"Okay," Lorelai said, pulling his arms down. "I don't know, Luke, I honestly can't say that I was ever sure of how you felt. But I can tell you I'm sure now."
He turned his head to look at her. "You are?" he asked.
"Completely sure," she nodded. "If you agreeing to work through this with me wasn't enough of an indicator, this right here convinced me. I know how hard it is for you to share yourself with other people, and you sharing yourself with me right now, unashamed and completely exposed told me exactly how much you love me."
"I do," he insisted. "I do, Lorelai, I love you so much."
"I know," she whispered.
"I love you," he repeated as if he had to make up for all the times he hadn't said those words in the past. "I love you, Lorelai. I love you."
"I know," she repeated.
He leaned forward to kiss her then, deeply and passionately, a kiss filled with raw emotion and desperation. She couldn't remember the last time he'd kissed her like that, and at first she kissed him back eagerly. It felt good to feel wanted, to feel loved and for a moment she gave into those feelings, pulling him down to her as she stretched out on the couch.
It wasn't until he was kissing his way down her neck and reaching for the button on her jeans that she felt reality calling her back. "Luke," she murmured, stiffening beneath him. "We can't…"
"We can," he murmured, his hand sliding under her shirt.
"Not now," she said.
"I have to show you," he whispered. "You have to know how much I love you."
"I do know."
"Let me show you," he murmured.
"Luke," she tried to shift out from under him, but he leaned down to kiss her again. This time she didn't return the kiss and pulled her head back. "Luke, stop!"
He jumped off of her immediately and she lay on the couch, looking up at him as she panted her way down from their steamy make out session.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Oh, Lorelai, I'm so sorry. I'm trying to tell you that I love you and then I jump on you without even thinking about whether you want it or not. No wonder we're so mixed up. I can't even do this right."
"Hey," she said, tugging on his hand until he was seated beside her. "Do not get upset. I liked the kiss. It was nice to be wanted. I just don't think we should be having sex right now. That adds a whole new level of complexity. It's not because I don't want you. I do. So badly. But this is about more than sex, and I want us to have a little more perspective before we get there."
"I know," he said, taking a deep breath. "I don't know what the hell is wrong with me."
"You're facing your fears," Lorelai said. "It's okay, Luke. Safety zone, remember?"
He sighed deeply. "I should go," he said.
"No," she said. "Stay here tonight."
Luke shook his head adamantly. "No," he said firmly.
"Why not?" Lorelai asked. "I know I just said no sex, but we can just sleep…"
"No!" he said, even more firmly. "I'm not sleeping in that bed."
"What's wrong with….oh." Realization dawned on Lorelai and she shook her head. "No, Luke, I got a new bed. He's never even laid eyes on it, I promise."
"I can't do that, Lorelai," he said. "I'm trying to move past the whole thing, but I refuse to sleep in a bed you shared with him."
"I didn't," Lorelai said, moving to the desk. She picked up a piece of paper and handed it to him. "See? Delivery date was last week. Christopher was never anywhere near the same zip code as this bed."
He nodded and handed the paper back to her. "Thank you," he said.
"I thought that might eventually be a problem," she admitted. "So will you stay? I'm worried about you, Luke, I don't want you by yourself tonight."
"Are you okay with it?" he asked.
"Hi, it was my idea," Lorelai said.
"Yeah, but I'm not sure if you want this mess in your bed," he murmured.
"I want you in my bed," she said. "Mess or no mess, I want you to stay. Please?"
He took a deep breath, collected himself and then met her gaze. "One condition," he said.
"I'm listening."
He held his hands out to her and she took them without hesitation. "You forgive me for what happened just now," he said. "Not the…crying, but for forcing myself on you like that."
"Hey, I'm the one who kicked that kiss into high gear," Lorelai said. "I said stop and you stopped. No big deal."
"Lorelai," he said desperately, and she knew he needed to hear her say it.
She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. "I forgive you," she said.
He squeezed her hands in gratitude. "I am sorry," he repeated.
"Okay, if you apologize for that one more time, I'm going to make you watch all of Rory's Ken Burns documentaries," Lorelai said. "And trust me, those things are boooring."
He nodded and placed a hand on her cheek. "You want me to take Paul Anka out?" he asked.
"Please," she nodded.
He pressed a kiss to her forehead before he called for Paul Anka, who came running at the sound. Lorelai smiled as she watched them, then turned towards the stairs. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, then walked into the bedroom while stripping off her shirt.
"Oh, I can…" She heard Luke's voice when her head was still tangled in her shirt and she realized that he must have come upstairs while she'd been washing up. She quickly tried to pull the shirt back down and met his gaze with a blush.
"Sorry," she said. "Got used to living alone, I guess."
"I'll wait in there," Luke said, gesturing to the bathroom.
She flashed him a grateful smile and changed quickly, then reached for a t-shirt and sweatpants they'd recovered from her boxes two weeks before. She'd stashed them in case an impromptu sleepover like this popped up.
"Luke?" she tapped gently on the bathroom door and held out the clothes to him. "They're yours."
"Thanks," Luke said, offering her a smile before he took the clothes and disappeared into the bathroom to change.
Lorelai pulled back the covers and slid into bed, offering Paul Anka a smug look as he looked up at her expectantly. "Sorry, Mommy's got a better, less furry bed partner tonight," she informed him.
She was convinced that Paul Anka frowned at her before he moved towards his bed. He purposely laid down with his back to her, but she shrugged it off.
"Find a toothbrush and everything?" she asked when Luke emerged into the bedroom.
"Yeah," he said, sliding into bed beside her.
"Good," she said. "Hey Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
He smiled and leaned in to kiss her. "I love you too," he kissed her again. "So much."
She beamed, then reached to turn the light off. They both settled down into the bed, both of them flat on their backs and staring up at the ceiling. "It's weird not talking on the phone," she observed.
"I'm right here," he said.
"I know," she said. "I just…got used to the phone thing I guess."
"Tomorrow's a big day," he said.
"Yeah," she replied.
"We're going to fight again."
"Yeah."
"We'll be okay?"
"I think so."
"Good."