He had gotten used to it.
To his three rules of survival.
To having no one.
Relying on no one.
Trusting no one.
It was easier that way, it was less likely for someone to hurt you or betray you if you didn't let them close in the first place.
No one helped anyone out just for nothing. People didn't help someone just because they could. Not on the street.
Ezra had taken that lesson to heart and kept it on his sleeves as he struggled to survive through the Empire rise in their strength and them overtaking Lothal as he was alone, his parents long gone to never be seen in living flesh by Ezra again.
He had learned the lessons, some by watching and some by experiencing, just how cruel the world was to a child alone.
And then he meet them.
They gave from themselves without wanting something in return. If you were the weak one, the subjugated one or the hurt one, they helped you without asking for payment though they wouldn't say no to new allies and a meal if that was offered.
Until the day Ezra meet the Ghost crew, he had forgotten what that feeling felt like.
Forgotten the lessons his parents had taught him.
Help those who could not help themselves.
When Kanan had found out that there was a potential Jedi master alive and had wanted her to teach Ezra...Ezra felt the coldness that had started to build in his bones creep right back in and reminded himself of the rules.
But each time he glanced at Kanan he felt the cold sting of betrayal and he wondered, not for the first time, if he had done right in accepting the offer of training and coming along. Not when the other was so quick to try and foist him of on someone else.
He'd never admit it, but he spent the night in his bunk trying not to cry. What place did tears have in a world so cold, it only brought a nasty headache and a hot face to cry. Tears didn't bring back his parents, didn't put food in his belly and didn't make people treat you kindly.
And then Kanan had finally explained himself. And the cold receded back to where the Ghost crew had chased it in the beginning, carefully leaving Ezra warm again as he held Kanan's lightsaber in hand.
Slowly he started to feel at home among them, feel cared for, warm.
He also noticed he put on some weight one day and spent half the day prodding at his own stomach, blinking a bit as he did.
Of course Hera caught him in the act when he had pulled his sleeping t-shirt up a bit to peer at the slight stomach roll he had when he'd gone to the galley while he thought the others were asleep. "You alright Ezra?" She peeked curiously at him as he yelped and dragged his shirt down, looking embarrassed as he stared at her in the dim light of the galley. "Y-Yes, I was just...I went to get some milk?" He tried.
Hera raised her eyebrows slowly, staring at him. "...Want to try that again?" She offered kindly, stepping over to him.
The human teen shuffled a bit in front of her. "I...I just...promise you won't laugh at me?" He glanced at her, still looking suspicious when she nodded.
Ezra drew a deep breath, crossing his arms over his chest. "I just...noticed...that I have a stomach roll... that's all. Its...I just got surprised, I haven't had that for a few years." He mumbled defensibly.
The Twi'lek's lekku's twitched at that and she stared at the teenager in front of her in surprise. Then sadness. She knew Ezra had been alone for a long period, been used to relying on his own self and perhaps not having enough to eat. But for him to grow a stomach roll out of eating regularly...
"How about I make you some hot chocolate?" She offered gently, smiling at the surprised look on the teens face before he smiled, nodding eagerly. "With cinnamon in it?"
"Sure, with some cinnamon."
If she made sure that Ezra had a extra serving and snacks after that...well no one said a word about it.
When Kanan had talked to him about going undercover, he had been excited, a proper mission with everyone trusting him, the warmth running through him like a wildfire!
And then he realized just how bad it could backfire. He hid out in the gun with a datapad on his lap during the night. Until he had been seven, his mother had been home schooling him...but after no one had bothered to teach a orphanage to read or write and Ezra hadn't seen why he should learn, he understood symbols enough to know what shop was what.
"The...ba-be-batal...battle..." He took a deep breath, rubbing his face before focusing again, Kanan did say he had a focusing problem and that was bluntly apparent right now.
"The...battle...field strw...strag...stragt-"
"Ezra?" He almost threw the datapad at Sabine's face in shocked fear, squeaking loudly as he did. "Sabine! I...um...this isn't what it looks like?" He tried only for the Mandelorian to give him a long look. "...You can't read, can you?" She settled on.
"...I can...kind of...I mean..." Ezra sighed and looked down at the pad. "...No. I understand the letters and symbols but...no." He confessed quietly. "...If a word is longer then five letters its...difficult."
"...You're going undercover at a academy Ezra. This...isn't good."
"I know. I should have said something but...until now reading hasn't been important. Hasn't been something I needed." He shrugged, glancing at Sabine.
"...Well, I guess its time someone taught you fully then." Sabine shifted, settling on the arm of the seat. "Well?"
He stared up at her with wide blue eyes. "...You're gonna help me?"
"Mhmm, now, lets get started."
He stared at her before smiling slightly, nodding quickly as he settled in to try and read for the older teen and spent two hours every night for a week, reading for her to improve. Sabine helped him, getting Ezra up to par with what she knew he needed for the academy. She wondered why no one had taken in Ezra, he was annoying sure but...he wasn't a bad kid.
Ezra didn't know either but he had gotten used to no one caring for him. He was fine. He always was.
Even when he wasn't fine, he was fine.
He flailed out of his bunk and hit the floor, feeling his nose crash first into the durasteel under him and the spikes of pain going through his brain, cursing brokenly as he sat up, eyes watering as he covered his bleeding nose, reluctantly feeling glad that Zeb had gone out with Sabine for a supply run.
He looked up at the blurry shape of Chopper and suddenly felt less lucky though as he groaned, blood dripping from his nose as he tried to cover it up. There was a surprised warble, Chopper waving his mechanical arms around before he rolled away only to return moments later with...a tissue box?
"...Is dat for ma?" Ezra managed to get out, slowly taking the tissue box from Chopper as the astromech warbled at him. "Dank you?" He carefully covered his nose with tissues. The mech warbled again and Ezra shook his head. "No, I am nod going do 'era."
The bot made a grumbling annoyed beeping then rolled of quickly. "Kopper!" Ezra scrambled to get up and catch the mech.
"Ezra what is Choppe-Ezra!" That lead to a lot of fussing that Ezra honestly could have done without but...at the same time...Chopper, the grumpy mean astrodroid hadn't been mean. He had gone to Hera because Ezra had been bleeding and Hera had been kind enough to keep it a secret between the three as she tended to his nose in quiet peace.
Though Kanan had been a bit confused about the swollen state of Ezra's nose.
It was still not easy for Ezra to let down his guard, to connect to another living as Kanan tried to instruct him, his arms always up and around himself at the slightest mention of making the connection even to a tooka.
Much less another sentient being capable of complex emotions.
For them to know that Ezra's family had been taken because of their broadcasts...
Ezra wasn't sure what to feel about it. He was proud of his parents of course but at the same time he wondered what would be different if they hadn't. Would he had been safe, warm, well feed? Would he have fought for those who couldn't earlier?
He didn't know. What did that kind of thinking matter honestly.
And he didn't really appreciate Kanan trying to teach him Jedi lessons through survival, the fear curling in his bones as he tried to connect to the light shy creatures that had almost eaten Hera and Sabine.
Yet...as he admitted what scared him, he started settle again, feeling...something develop between himself and Kanan as they stood there, the light shy creatures no longer ferally growling at them, wanting to devour their flesh.
It had shut down when he had summoned the big creature, something cold and slimy settling inside him instead. It stayed with him as they got on the ship, even after Sabine showed him the image of his parents and him.
It caused him no amount of restless unease that brought him in front of Kanan's cabin.
"Ezra? You can come in." He shifted in surprise then slowly pressed the button to step in, seeing Kanan on his knees, meditating. "I...I'm sorry, I didn't want to bother you." He murmured quietly, licking his lips.
"I was awake. It wasn't a bother." Kanan had yet to open his eyes though.
The teen shifted slowly, unsure what to say or do.
"...Sit down with me Ezra." Kanan murmured.
"I...here?" Ezra hesitated before doing as Kanan asked. "...Now what?"
"Now you breath."
"...What?"
"You breath. In through the nose...out through the mouth...slow...and steady. You don't think, nothing matters but your breathing." The Jedi murmured, keeping his eyes closed but keeping a good eye on Ezra through the Force.
He could feel a wavering uncertainty before Ezra did as told, his breathing falling into synch with Kanan's after a few moments. He could tell that Ezra wasn't connecting to the Force but...he was connecting to himself, trying to work around what he had done and experienced.
That got a small smile out of him. 'Well...at least he's trying. He may still become a Jedi.'
"...Kanan, my foot is asleep."
That got a laugh out of him, startled and he quickly covered his mouth. "I think...that's enough, you should go to bed."
Ezra grumbled but when he got up to go to his own cabin shared with Zeb...he no longer felt as cold or slimy. This, whatever it had been, had helped.
He blinked then smiled a bit, glancing back where Kanan was still kneeling. "...Thank you Master." He slid of to his bunk.
Yet when he tried to build his lightsaber...well it was a lesson in frustration, that was something. He wanted this lightsaber to fit him but the more he worked on it during the weeks, the more annoyed he got.
He started shutting himself in while working and leaving only when he needed the fresher, food or to clean his clothes. He even slept in the work room!
Zeb watched him come to the galley one of the nights, dark rings around Ezra's eyes as he stumbled into the kitchen. "Kid, you look like crap."
"Mmmn, lightsaber is taking its time."
"You need to sleep." The Lasat grumbled, watching Ezra awkwardly shuffle by before reaching out and grabbing him by the arm, pulling the sluggish teen into his lap. "Wow! Zeb!?"
"IF you aren't going to go to sleep, you're gonna stay here UNTIL you are asleep. Got it?" The other grunted, pulling Ezra until he was all up in the chair with Zeb, resting against the big Lasat's chest. He then tugged the blanket around the kid and held him firmly in case he put up a struggle.
Yet, Ezra wasn't struggling, suddenly feeling to comfortable to move. "I...need to finish the lightsaber though?" He mumbled against the warm chest. Offhandedly he noted that Lasat's were warmer then humans. It felt nice though as he unconsciously snuggled a bit closer, resting his heavy head against it.
"I think the lightsaber can wait a day or two for you to catch up on your sleep." Zeb rumbled, watching Ezra. "...Why's it so important you get it done NOW anyhow?"
He almost didn't think he'd get a answer when Ezra spoke up, already half gone. "Because I need to help you all...because you help those who can't help themselves..."
"Kid?" Zeb blinked, cocking his head back to look at him, watching the closed eyes and the fluttering eyelashes. "...Heh...guess you do have a good heart in there after all."
He carefully cradled the sleeping teen close, letting him sleep right where he was.
When Ezra woke, he was in his bunk, curled up on his side with a blanket wrapped securely around himself.
For once, in eight long years...Ezra had several he could rely on.
He smiled and rolled onto his side, falling back asleep with a small, content sigh.
Author note: Oh look, someone finally managed to watch the other episodes! Well, I've gotten to A Idiots array, but I really need a rest right now. I lost a contact lense, so I'm half blind while writing, has been for the last few days and now I also have a headach. Anyhow, enjoy!