A.N.: I know I keep saying I will complete my WIP's but more often than not I find myself having very limited time to dedicate to writing. I apologise to everyone who has been following my stories but real life has gotten in the way a lot. That being said I most definitely will not abandon this universe. I'm too much in love with the Inseparables to do so.
This story was just supposed to be a one shot but I find myself continuing with it. It is still neither complete nor incomplete in itself and I'm not sure I will write another chapter… As always this one is Aramis centric
A huge thank you to all who has read, reviewed or favorited my stories. Thank you all for your encouragement.
As always I do not own anything connected to the Musketeers. If I did Aramis would be happier … or would he? :P
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then Aramis moved very carefully trying to pull himself back together, trying so hard to not breakdown in front of Athos, trying to be something resembling normal.
He never should have left, he thought to himself then found a hysterical laugh escaping him when he realised he couldn't decide whether he shouldn't have left the Musketeers or whether he shouldn't have left the monastery.
A hand steadying and grounding was on his shoulder. Athos, he thought, Athos was still here. Athos hadn't left. For a moment neither of them said anything. Aramis had frozen when he had felt Athos beside him. He did not move, did not say a word, did not even breathe. He did not want Athos to leave and he feared that anything he did would push the other man away. Just like you managed to do with Porthos, his mind supplied helpfully.
"C'mon then. Let's get you fixed up", Athos' voice was clipped and if possible Aramis froze even further.
"I… I can do it myself", he said stumbling over the words not even daring to glance up at Athos. "It's not… It's just my hands and my…" he abruptly shut up when Athos simply took a hold of his wrists and started cleaning the abrasions.
"I don't think they need to be stitched", was all he said, though his voice was gentler than it had been.
"I… That was… He… I was wrong", was what Aramis responded with. It came out sounding like a question though.
Athos had no idea what to say to that one. Aramis did not feel he was in the wrong and for a moment Athos wondered if Aramis was right, if in fact he and Porthos were the ones not taking this well. After all, Aramis was right about the fact that there was still a war, he was still a Musketeer and he was doing what he could to serve his country. How was this any different from the many times they had all followed their orders. The Musketeers served the crown. Aramis had every right to accept an assignment given to him and fulfil it to the best of his ability. And the Queen had had the best interest of the country at heart. She had tried to contact her brother to negotiate peace and she had sent the one man she could trust implicitly because of the relationship they shared. Athos found he couldn't blame her for that. Especially when he knew that he himself would have maybe gone to Treville if he had known what was on the Queen's mind.
'But that is not what you are both upset about is it', the voice inside his head questioned. It wasn't Athos thought. It wasn't the mission itself that bothered him. It was the fact that Aramis hadn't trusted them, hadn't thought that he could come to them with this. That was what had hurt Athos and Porthos. 'Not that this was the first time the marksman had done something stupid like this though' his mind countered. 'No that may be what Porthos is upset about but not you'
No, what had been bothering him was the simple fact that Aramis had asked Porthos to shoot him just to get to Grimaud. As he treated the abrasions on his friend's wrist Athos wondered if Aramis would have encouraged Porthos to shoot him if it weren't for his own obsession with Grimaud.
The hiss from Aramis drew Athos back to his surroundings making him realise that he had let his thoughts control his actions and had ended up gripping Aramis' wrist too hard. Suddenly Aramis was the one trying to catch his eye and Athos found that he couldn't do it.
"Athos please", Aramis called out softly, worriedly, but Athos still couldn't respond to that. Guilt, that old familiar feeling was welling up in him and Athos found himself powerless to stop it. Aramis had been ready to die today, not just for Queen and country but for him, not for the Captain of the Musketeers but for him, Athos the man, the friend. Had Athos let his obsession for Grimaud control him so much, he wondered that Aramis one of his oldest and dearest of companions was willing to die for his vendetta. Had he given the impression that Grimaud's death would mean more to him than the life of one of his closest friends? Suddenly he had to know, he had to know why Aramis had been so willing to sacrifice his life, why Aramis had ever thought that Athos would ever want Grimaud's death at the cost of the marksman's own life.
This time his "why" came out sounding so much more strangled.
Aramis looked confused and slightly worried. "I… I already told you… The Queen…"
"That's not what I asked old friend", his voice had gone soft
Aramis simply sighed as he turned away from Athos to stare out the window.
"I wanted peace", he repeated.
"And you thought your death would bring me that?"
Aramis flinched at the accusation.
Athos took a deep breath. "Can you take off your doublet? I want to check your ribs"
"My ribs are fine Athos. Just bruised. I can take care of them later".
Athos simply stood at that. The marksman's tone had told him that he would not be willing to accommodate Athos' concern any further that night. Athos wasn't the only one who pushed people away when he was hurt. In many ways they were more similar than most would believe. For a start of the four of them they hurt the worst. Maybe that's why they made the worst decisions. Maybe that's why they hurt the others, Athos thought.
"I wasn't… I am not suicidal Athos", Aramis called out softly.
"No you are not", Athos agreed as he walked out the door
"Aramis", the soft feminine voice from his doorway broke into Aramis' thoughts. Lifting his head up to meet Constance's eyes and seeing the concern there Aramis was very tempted to snap and ask why everyone around him worried about him tonight, the one night he actually wanted to be left alone, when they hadn't seemed to bother till now.
The next minute though he shamefully bowed his head and acknowledged that Constance at least had seemed to care enough to listen to his problems unlike everyone else and waved her in remaining silent as she crossed the room to drop beside him onto the bed.
"C'mon then", she tried injecting a purposeful note of cheerfulness in her voice. "Let's see how bad your ribs are".
Aramis was too tired this night to even think about pretending to be Ok in front of her. "As I told Athos", he bit the name out, "I'm fine". His tone softened at the look of hurt on her face. "I promise Constance I'm fine. My ribs are simply bruised".
"You should head to bed", he added when she still did not move.
Constance snorted at this. "Why does everyone seem so intent on coddling me tonight?"
Aramis simply raised an eyebrow at what seemed to him a hypocritical question considering she seemed to be here to 'coddle' him herself.
Constance didn't even bat an eyelid. "I wasn't the one who stupidly decided to get themselves taken hostage, was I", she told him loftily.
Aramis actually chuckled at that, the first time he had smiled since Grimaud had held him hostage. The next moment the smile dropped from his face as his mind once again went back to the morose mood it had been in ever since he had gotten back to Paris.
"Aramis, is… what's wrong?" Constance asked him hesitantly.
It was as if a dam had burst as words poured out of him. "You mean what's wrong apart from the fact that everything I have done since my return seems to be pushing all my friends further and further away from me? Apart from the fact that Porthos and I haven't had a proper conversation since my return? Apart from the fact that Porthos and Athos don't seem to trust me anymore? Or let's consider that Athos almost shot me when I questioned his orders. Oh and of course there's the King who seems to know everything, Treville who has decided that I'm not fit to be a soldier because I followed the Queen's orders and of course Grimaud who seems intent on killing us all and who Porthos didn't kill today because he was trying to save my miserable life. Tell me what else can go wrong Constance", he finished softly, a bit shamefaced at his rant.
Constance to her credit simply took everything in without a comment or without an interruption. Even after he had finished she did not say anything, silently trying to offer her support.
Aramis nodded his head gratefully. The next moment though he felt her stiffen slightly as she filtered what he had said. "Hang on a minute. What do you mean Athos tried to shoot you?"
For the nth time that night Aramis felt his muscles freeze. "I…", he began caught unprepared not even realising what he had been ranting.
"He didn't shoot me. He just… He… simply pulled a gun on me. He actually pulled a gun on me", he acknowledged to himself softly ignoring Constance's sputtering. It hadn't sunk in back then with everything going on with Pauline and St. Pierre but it was true thought Aramis with a sinking feeling. 'Dear God, what had he done", he thought feeling slightly sick. How badly had he screwed up for Athos to actually threaten him with a gun?
Constance for once remained silent not knowing what to do or how to comfort the distraught man beside her. She had a feeling Aramis had forgotten she was there. The day's events seemed to have finally caught up with him and he seemed to be in shock.
"Aramis I…" Constance began but Aramis interrupted her. "I'd like to be on my own for a while if you do not mind Madame" he stated formally and Constance found she could not refuse him.
"Of course", she stood up smoothing her skirts and then giving in she dropped a kiss on his forehead. Her action had surprised him she thought with a chuckle. "Get some sleep Aramis", she told him softly before walking out the door.