July 2,

I don't want to eat. I don't want to keep living. I don't want to push on. I just want to lie in bed and pretend that I didn't kiss someone I shouldn't have. Or maybe die. I could just leave everyone to live their lives without me fucking everything up. Asteria could marry someone who isn't gay with scars so deep they won't heal. My baby could have a father who is gonna come home and play with him/her and not go straight to bed. I'm not even writing this. I'm lying here dictating this to my journal and quill because a bit of magic is easier.

I just want peace but she keeps coming to check.

"Draco?" She's back. Yippee.

"Draco? Please talk to me."

"Go away. Please I don't want to talk." I moaned. The door's opening now.

"Draco what happened? Please what's going on?"

I stopped the magic so now I'm back.

She sat down next to me and begged me to talk. I didn't. I just lay there. She sighed and informed me that she is going to stay with her sister for a while. I nodded and let her leave. Why am I such shit?

July 4,

She's been gone since Saturday. And hasn't told me when she's coming back. That's ok I guess. Maybe separation will let me get back to being a good husband. I got up today. Walked to my shower, stripped off the robes that smelled like sadness and shame. I climbed into the shower and let the hot water pour over me. My blonde hair clung to my body. And the scars on my chest stood out angry, red against my skin. I glanced down and saw the Dark Mark. I stared at it. And then anger ripped through me. I scratched at the mark, trying to rip it off. If I wasn't branded maybe he'd love me. If I wasn't like this maybe he'd love me. Without realizing it I was crying. I fell down and sobbed.

"You'll be late dear." The mirror chirped. I pulled myself together and climbed out of the shower. I wrapped the towel low on my hips and braced myself on the sink. My wet hair fell forward and I closed my eyes and breathed deep. I felt something warm trickle down my left hand. I opened my eyes and saw the blood from my nails running down my arm.

"Fuck. Accio robes, accio bandage accio underwear." I bellowed. My robes flew into the room, a roll of gauze flew in next and after came a cleanish pair of underwear. I ran my hand under the water from the tap and then bandaged up my arm. I dressed quickly. Still angry I stormed down the stairs and headed into work. My robes billowed as I stormed across the atrium toward the lifts. A young witch, probably fresh from Hogwarts, squeaked and scrambled out of my way. I stormed into a lift and crossed my arms. I glared at a witch who was going to come join me. She snorted and flipped me off. I glared and she moved on. The doors were closing when a hand slipped between them, the doors opened and I was face to face with shocking green eyes and crazy black hair. I scowled deeper and averted my eyes. He climbed in and the doors closed.

"Draco." He said softly.

"Potter." I sneered. He jumped and flinched. I felt that old malicious grin climbed my face.

"Aww ickle Pottykins feelings hurt?" I spat.

"Draco..." He started.

"No you don't get to do that. Don't pull the tortured, boy who saved us, my wife isn't putting out cause we have two beautiful sons shit. You don't get to do that." I snarled. His green eyes widened in surprise.

"That's shocking to you?! It's shocking that I would be angry after what you did?!" His chest heaved and he opened his mouth like he was gonna say something. I crossed the lift in a flash and waved my wand. The lift stopped moving. I moved so fast that he had to back into the corner. I felt like I was breathing fire.

"You don't understand what it's like to be hurt. To be the man who is living a lie, the man whose feelings everyone is toying with. You don't fucking get it Potter. You don't know what it's like do you? Ginny has loved you for what, her whole life? You have two beautiful sons who look at you like you're the hero. You think my child will ever look at me like that?! I'm not the hero! I'm the enemy remember?! The enemy the noble, heroic Potter had to pull from a fire! The enemy who will always bare marks from his bad decisions!" I screamed. And without thinking I pushed up my sleeve and ripped off the bandage. He looked horrified. Then I reached up and ripped down my robes to show him the scars, scars from a curse he had cast. I was shaking with angry and hurt and somehow my body still seemed to recognize he was standing inches from me.

He reached up gently and reached toward me. He hesitated an inch before my chest. He looked up at me, then reached out and traced one of the scars with his fingertips. I released my collar and dropped my hands. I leaned my head back and pushed my hair from my eyes. His hand was still in my robes, his fingers still tracing the scar.

"Are these from..?" He breathed.

"Sectumsempra from sixth year?" I murmured, the hard edge still present in my voice.

He didn't say anything. Just sighed and rested his hand flat on my chest. I reached up and pushed my hair back again. I'd forgotten to tie it back. He gasped.

"You're bleeding!" He cried. I glanced at my arm.

"Oh fuck." I sighed. I pushed my sleeve up further. He pulled his hand off my chest and grabbed my arm.

"Draco did something attack you?!" He asked.

"Just me." I said. He looked puzzled. And then gazed down. His eyebrows shot up. I raised my right hand and fitted it to the scratches.

"Draco. Why...?" He asked.

"Were you not listening? I'm a horrible Death Eater." I replied my voice about as soft as ice.

"You need help. Can you get this thing moving again?" He asked.

"I don't need anything from you." I snarled, ripping my arm from his. I waved my wand and the lift started down again. When it opened on our floor, we both headed out.

"Draco needs help! Somebody help us!" He cried.

"You idiot. It's a little blood. You don't think I can handle it?! I just need a bandage." I said. Harry still look nervous and I stalked off. Jeffery handed me a bandage and I covered the mark. I ignored Harry all day. He kept dropping by to check on me. And by the end of the day I was furious.

"Potter! Jeffery needs me to finish this report before I go home and if you pop in one more time I will hex you!" I cried. He looked surprised, but I ignored him and continued to write about how two exploding cauldrons weren't dark magic but the work of two idiots.

"Potter do you fancy a good cursing today? Things a little dry since you stopped You-Know-Who?" I asked.

"No I uh I'm supposed to ask you to dinner. Ginny wants me to." He murmured. I looked up at him.

"Can't." I said and continued to scribble. Harry was still standing there.

"Potter. I'm not coming. Dinner doesn't fix kissing someone just because you are horny and your wife is not jumping in bed with you." I said looking down again. He didn't move.

I sighed. The report was finished, I reached over and I put it in Jeffery's inbox. I stood up, stretched and pushed back my hair.

"Potter you are blocking the door and I'd love to go home." I said. He looked up at me.

"That wasn't why I kissed you." He whispered.

"Bullshit. Now move." I said.

"Draco..." He started. I sighed and pushed past him. He grabbed my wrist, I winced and glared at him.

"Please, that isn't why." He pleaded.

"I don't give a shit why Potter. In case you haven't noticed both of us are married" I wiggled my ring finger at him. Then I ripped my arm from his grasp and left the Ministry. Now I'm back in bed. And I'm sobbing because all I want is to love him and for him to love me. And for the band on my finger to represent a promise to him.

July 5th,

I had the strangest dream last night. I fell asleep last night exhausted after crying and being pathetic about Harry.

I was standing in a crowded but familiar corridor. It was swaying slightly and many people in robes were moving around. I glanced around confused and realized I was on the Hogwarts express. I glanced to my right and saw several familiar faces. Crabbe and Goyle and Pansy were all clustered inside a compartment. As well as a much younger me. Sixth year to be exact. As I watched Zabini walked over and opened the door. It caught as he tried to shut it just as I remembered. Only this time I could see him. I could see Harry under his cloak jamming his foot in the door. I stared at him. I'd forgotten how he looked then. The even more unruly hair, the youth in his features. He hadn't faced death yet, he didn't know what was going to happen. I almost reached out to hold him. Wanting to save the young him. I stopped because he had darted into the compartment and vaulted off the seat into the luggage rack. I watched my own eyes follow his shoe. And I watched my brow furrow as I thought. I remember how I felt that day, when I caught him in that compartment, I realized that I wanted him to notice me. I'd realized that I wanted to be with him. I'd realized that I liked that he had snuck in to spy on me. So I had decided to let Pansy stroke my hair the way she always wanted to. I glanced up at Harry when my younger self had rested my head on her lap. He didn't display any jealousy and present day me sighed. The memory sped up then, the conversation blurring and the scenery blurred too. The others in the compartment filed out past me and my younger self remained. I realized what was about to happen and sighed. I didn't want to watch this. Young me turned and sent a curse at Harry, who froze and fell out of the luggage rack. I watched myself squash Harry's nose. I watched myself wince and turn away to breath. Then I watched myself leer at Potter and cover him with his cloak. Young me stormed out of the compartment and closed the door. The blinds were drawn and so I followed young me out. Suddenly he rounded on me.

"Why can't I just love him?! Why didn't you tell him when the war ended?! Why the hell won't you just love him?!" He screamed.

I gasped.

"Please. I'm miserable. Do you know what it's like?! I love him. I want him! Please I want him!" He screamed. Then the dream dissolved. Grown Harry was standing in an ally. It was rainy and his hair was clinging to his head. He turned and looked at me.

"You love me don't you?" He asked.

"Y...yes." I stammered.

He nodded. "What a problem you've gotten yourself in Draco. I'm married. So are you actually." He said simply.

I walked toward him and reached for his hand.

"Please. Let me love you." I whispered.

"I can't. Because I exist only in your head. Real me doesn't know you love me." He answered.

I sighed and pulled dream Harry into my arms. I nestled my head into his neck and sighed. He smelled like the rain that was pouring down on us.

"You know I'm a dream right?" He said.

"Yes, please let me enjoy it a bit longer." I murmured. He didn't say anything. And suddenly he dissolved. I was crumpled on the ground. His laughter was ringing in my ears.

"Me love you?! That is ridiculous Malfoy. You should remember who I am!" He cried and continued to laugh.

And suddenly I woke up. It's early still. 5 am or something. I wanted to write it down before work so I could remember.

July 5th evening,

I was distracted all day. The dream kept haunting me and I kept wanting to push him against a wall and kiss him. (Which I didn't.) I walked into work early. The cubicles that are usually packed with people were empty. I sighed and hitched my bag a little higher. I walked down past most of the cubicles. I stopped by his. It had two Quiddich posters on the wall. One showing the team Ginny played for and one showing the Chudley Cannons. His desk had a stack of unused scrolls of parchment, a quill, and two jars of ink. There were several photos on the desk too. They were all moving. One showed Ginny holding a squirming James. She was laughing and James was fussing in the image. There was a picture of baby Albus who was stretching and wiggling the way babies do. I turned to the last photo. It was him and Ginny on their wedding day. Ginny waved up at me but Harry scowled. I laughed at that. Then I looked down at the desk again. A piece of parchment I hadn't noticed before was lying on the desk. It had lots of scribbles and crossed out words. I glanced around. No one was around and I didn't think anyone was going to be. I picked up the parchment. It looked mainly like a bunch of bored rambling. Most of it was crossed out, some toward the bottom were so heavily crossed out the parchment was weak in those spots. But in the middle of the page I saw something that was barely legible. I pulled the parchment toward my face looking at it. Underneath what several angry looking scribbles were the words:

Mr. Draco Potter.

I frantically looked over the rest, hoping for more. I couldn't see any more promising things. I was breathing hard and I couldn't stop the hope bubble rising in my chest. Stupid Potter. With his stupid scar I thought bitterly.

"Draco?" A voice called. I glanced up. Potter himself was standing there watching me. I dropped the paper as though I had been burned.

"Potter." I answered coolly.

"You're standing in my cube." He stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes. I... Uh. Needed some parchment." I lied. Holding up a roll of unused parchment I started out of his cubicle.

"You aren't a great liar but I don't want the truth." He answered, brushed past me and sat down.

I headed to my desk in Jeffery's office and pulled out a quill so I could start a report on the stolen parchment. The day passed slowly and then fast and then slow again. My mind strayed to him all day. Was his hair in his eyes? Was he bored? Was he writing my name again? I was so distracted that I didn't notice Jeffery standing there asking me a question. Now I'm home and I should be writing to Asteria to get her home. I should be worried about my baby. But every time I close my eyes I keep seeing his handwriting spelling out Mr. Draco Potter.

July 11th,

I've been quite busy lately and so haven't written. I've started impulsively cleaning this big ass house I have to live in. I've thrown out so much dark shit my father had tucked into rooms I never entered as a child. Weird jewelry that I didn't dare touch but instead wrapped up and put in bags to take to the Ministry to have them deal with it. Asteria has moved back, she came to work on Friday. Harry had shown her where I was and she politely asked if Jeffery could give us a minute.

"Asteria. What is it?" I'd asked rushing around my desk. "The baby?"

"The baby is fine Draco. I... I have been thinking. And I need to ask you something." She replied in a soft timid voice. "And I need you to answer honestly." She peered at me with large eyes. I raised a brow and stared at her.

"Do you... Are you in love with someone else Draco?" She asked softly. I let out a slow breath. She studied me.

"Asteria. I didn't..." But she stopped me.

"I guess I should feel shocked but I don't. I don't want to know who. I'll move home. I will wait until the baby is born." She rested a hand on her bump. "But then I will leave. I'll leave the child with you. I'm not going to be a good mother and I'm weak." She sighed and looked up at me. She wasn't crying. "I will still be a part of the child's life. But you and the person you truly love can raise the baby."

"Asteria. A child needs its mother." She chuckled.

"No. I'm tired Draco and I won't stay if you no longer love me. But I won't rip your child from you." She looked at me and I saw a fierce determination in her eyes. "I'll see you at home."

She's now staying in a bedroom on the other side of the house. And honestly I can't decide how I feel about this. I don't love her. But I feel like a failure. What would my father say?! Or my mother?! So I've been cleaning. Cleaning so I don't notice the Owls coming to see her. Cleaning so I can find a room suitable for the baby. Cleaning so I can scrub Harry's face out of my mind like the grime in some of the unused bathrooms. I've failed so many people. My poor wife. My poor child and he/she isn't even here yet. I shouldn't have gotten married.

July 13th,

I had a nightmare last night. Asteria had rushed into my room to rouse me, she said she could hear my cries from her room and was worried. She asked what I was dreaming of. Truthfully I didn't remember. I just remembered immense pain and begging someone to end it. She sighed when I said this, looked at me and said she wished she had been enough. She waved her wand, lit my bedside candle and left, taking her candle with her. I glanced at the clock. 3 am. I sighed deeply and decided sleep was a lost cause. Standing, I stretched. I pushed back my hair and walked into my closet. I started to rummage around looking for pants and a shirt that wasn't entirely dirty when a silver stag shot into the bedroom. It turned and walked into the closet. "Albus swallowed Floo Powder. Headed to St. Mungos. Bringing James presently." Before I could even register what had happened there was a pop from the bedroom. I stuck my head out to find a stressed looking Harry and a sleepy looking James standing there.

"Potter!" I said, shocked.

"I know I'm a prat and I know I shouldn't ask but Albus is sick and Ginny is already with him but he's just a baby and can you please watch James?! I'll pick him up at work if that works." He cried frantically. I walked forward, scooped James from his arms and set him on the bed. Then I turned to Harry.

"Breathe. I'll watch him. It's fine. Everything will be fine." I murmured reaching for him. I gripped his shoulders and peered into his eyes. For a second he stared at me. Green eyes boring into mine and then suddenly he wrenched out of grip.

"I don't need your pity Malfoy." He spat. And then apparated with a pop. Leaving me standing there stunned. I continued to get dressed and then went to inform Asteria of James' arrival.

"It's him isn't it?" She asked simply. I stared at her. I knew what she meant but I wanted her to say it. "It's Potter. The one you love. It's Harry fucking Potter isn't it." She said. I sighed.

"I should have known." She replied.

"I hope you get him Draco. I hope he loves you too." She said staring at me. I gaped at her. She reached out and pushed back my hair. Smiling slightly she said "Quite the pair aren't we? Me too blind to accept that my husband is gay and you too broken to speak your mind."

"I'm not broken." I stated. She smiled.

"Yes you are. And it's ok. Because maybe he can put you back together. I certainly am not strong enough to do it." She turned back into her room and shut the door. I stood there for a few minutes and then turned around and headed back toward my room. James was jumping on the bed by the time I get back.

"Unca Dwaco!" He squealed and leapt off the bed into my arms. I caught him and grinned.

"Heya James. How you been, trouble maker?" I asked chuckling.

"Brodder make mama mad." He said and tugged on my hair. I laughed and set him on the bed. He proceeded to jump up and down, his messy black hair so much like his dad's flying everywhere. I laughed again and tied back my hair in my usual low pony tail. Then I grabbed my robes and pulled them on. I checked myself in the mirror. Making sure I looked good, as usual. Then I turned and grinned at James. Something about this boy made my heart relax and my soul smile.

"Unca Dwaco look good!" He squealed and flopped back on the bed giggling. I laughed.

"Darn right I do." I said and scooped up the child. He giggled and I boosted him onto my shoulders and headed to the kitchen. There I made breakfast while James babbled on, telling some silly story. He ran on the counters and scarfed down a banana I gave him.

"Unca Dwaco! Up up!" He cried and I laughed hoisting him up onto my shoulders again.

"You make quite the sight there, Draco." Asteria said from behind us. I turned around and couldn't help the grin I shot her way. "Is this his son? The one who stayed with us a while ago?" She asked. I nodded and then jumped slightly causing James to squeal in delight and clutch my hair. Asteria smiled at us.

"You will be a great dad." She said.

"Unca Dwaco no daddy. Unca Dwaco unca!" James cried. Asteria laughed.

"I'm having a baby just like your mama did sweetheart." She explained, patting her belly. James leaned forward and stared at her. Then he looked at me.

"You dada?" He asked. I smiled.

"Soon yes." I said.

"Dada Dwaco dada Dwaco!" James sang. Asteria smiled.

"When you and Potter get together looks like you already have a place in this boy's heart." She said. I sighed. And then I held James tightly and apparated to work. It was slow when we got there. Only a few people were lazing around in their cubicles. Several people called good mornings and greetings toward me as James and I walked toward Jeffery's office. The day was slow. Very little happened except James made a finger painting on a report about a muggle who had bought a cursed teapot from a wizard and had sustained major burns. I laughed so hard that Jeffery came over to see the hand prints all over my report. He chuckled too.

"This is the Potter kid?" He asked. I nodded trying to keep James from touching my hair with his inky hands.

"How come you've got him?" He asked.

"His younger brother swallowed Floo Powder and had to go to St. Mungos." I said still wrestling with James.

"That poor family sure seems to be going to that place a lot." Jeffery said with a sigh. I nodded and finally got my wand out and cleaned James' hands. He laughed and clapped happily. By the end of the work day I hadn't succeeded in completing any work. A message was delivered by a young witch informing me that if I wanted to go to the Potter house and drop James off I could. I stared at James who was waving a quill around.

"Alright let's get you home."

When I apparated to the Potter house it looked dark and empty. I walked up to the door and knocked. James was holding onto me like a monkey, bunching up my robes in his fists. The door swung open and we stepped in. I closed the door and tried to set James down.

"No! Dada Dwaco!" He cried. I sighed and walked into the sitting room. Harry was slumped there an empty bottle of gin in his hand.

"Potter." I said coolly. He barely stirred. "Potter!" I said again. He jumped and turned to me.

"Draco! What are you doing here?" He cried. I raised an eyebrow. I sighed realizing that he was drunk and headed upstairs toward James' room. I helped the child brush his teeth, change and then settled him into bed. I brushed back his hair and pulled the covers up. He stared up at me sleepily.

"Nighty night dada Dwaco." He murmured.

"Goodnight James." I sighed. I kissed his forehead and got up. I closed his bedroom door and went downstairs. Harry was passed out on the couch. I rolled my eyes and turned to go when I heard him retch behind me. I sighed. I couldn't just leave him. I turned and walked over to him vanishing the pool of sick as I went. I scooped him into my arms. He was heavy but not in a bad way. I carried him upstairs and sat him on the edge of his bed. I knelt down and pulled off his shoes and socks. He yawned and started to fall back on the bed.

"Oh no you don't." I said grabbing him and pulling him up. I undid his robes and pulled them off him. He swayed dangerously and vomited again. All over me and himself. I sighed and walked into the small bathroom. I waved my wand and started a bath. I waved my wand over myself and the sick vanished. I went back out and grabbed Harry. I hauled him into the bathroom and pulled off his shirt. I had to take a moment so I didn't start touching him. Breathing deeply and without looking down I undid his pants and slid them off. I stared at the ceiling as I helped him into the tub. Once in I waved my wand and bubbles filled the tub so I could clean up his hair and face without becoming distracted. I soaped up his hair and face and chest, getting all the sick off of him. I was busy scrubbing his neck and shoulders when he grabbed my hands.

"Draco." I gazed at him.

"Draco." He said again.

"Yes?" I asked. He didn't answer. He just suddenly lurched forward and kissed me. His soapy hands raised out of the water and grabbed my head pulling me closer. He was greedy. His hands groping at the front of my robes and pulling me as close as possible. His tongue tasted my lower lip and I opened my mouth obligingly. His tongue explored all of my mouth and I leaned in. Suddenly my hand on the side of the tub slipped and I tumbled straight forward into the tub. I sputtered and floundered for a moment before pulling my head out of the water. My hair was soaking as well as my robes. I sighed and glanced at Harry. He was staring at me. And then he burst into laughter. I scowled at him. I finished bathing him and hurried him into his pajamas and then into bed. I turned to go when he called to me again. I turned and stared at him.

"How do I stop thinking of you?" He asked sadly.

"Hell if I know Potter."

Now I'm home again. Hating myself again. Wishing I held the answer to his question.

July 21st,

Fuck me it would seem. Jeffery waltzed into the office today and told me that he had a project for me.

"Draco! Just the man I was looking for!" Jeffery said grinning.

"I'm usually the man you want to see, sir. I am your assistant." I replied without looking up from my latest report.

"Oh. Well no matter. I have wonderful project for you! And if you do this I can probably get you your very own office!" He clearly thought this was a huge plus for me because he stood there with his hands spread wide and grinning at me. I raised an eyebrow.

"I need you to go to Egypt with an Auror and help Gringotts investigate some ancient wizard tombs." Jeffery said. I stared at him. "The job is being opened up to all Aurors but I need you to go. I can't, my wife is ailing, but if you go you can give me reports and updates. You'd be gone for the month of August." Jeffery said. I thought for a moment.

"Alright. I'll go." I said and got back to my report.

"Wait, really?!" he said, shocked.

"Yes. I'll go and write reports for you and send back information. But, I've got to finish this if I'm supposed to leave in a few days, sir." Jeffery grinned and went about his day. I finished seven reports and was working on the eighth when a young witch breezed into the room.

"Mr. Moon." She said politely. "I have the name of who will be accompanying Mr. Malfoy to Egypt."

"Ah! Perfect!" Jeffery exclaimed and took the paper she offered. I didn't look up but consulted the notes I'd been given on a rose bush that chased two muggle children.

"Oh wonderful. Draco, Mr. Potter will be going with you." He said. It didn't register at first. "Draco, did you hear me?" I held out my hand and muttered quietly,

"The bush the proceeded to grow large, thorny fists and chase the children. Yes?" I said looking up.

"Mr. Potter will accompany you." Jeffery said.

"What?!" I cried.

"Is there a problem, Draco?" He asked with a raised brow.

"No, no, I apologize." I said. I can't believe my luck! Egypt for a month with Harry fucking Potter as my traveling companion. Fuck me, fuck this, fuck my life it would seem. Just fuck fuck fuck.

July 31st,

I leave tomorrow and I don't know if I'm ready for this. Asteria is trying to help me pack but I don't even know what to do.

"Draco, for goodness sake just say yes or no to the dress robes!" She cried.

"I don't know!" I said throwing my hands up.

"Gracious Draco. He's got you bad doesn't he?" She said grinning. I glared at her. She smirked and kept folding robes and things for my trunk. How the hell am I in this position?