August 15,
Yesterday we stayed in bed. And today we stayed in bed as well. I couldn't make myself get up. My moment of clarity the night before was fleeting. I wrote in here and then snuggled against Harry and slept. He is like cold water on a burn, or maybe a blanket when you fear you'll freeze. I woke up around 11 am to an owl landing on my shoulder. I tore open and read the letter.
Draco,
The baby took a turn. Don't come home, I will let you know what happens. They want to make sure the baby is safe and that might mean getting him/her out. I will keep you updated.
-Asteria.
I clapped my hand over my mouth and buried my face into Harry, breathing in his musky scent.
"Wh...what?" He said sleepily. He saw the letter, grabbed it and read it.
"She's gonna be fine. And so will the baby. They got this. You might have a baby waiting for you when we get back. How exciting is that?!" He said. I didn't say anything just tried not to cry. He held me, tried to break away a few times but mostly held me close so that I could manage. We didn't go to the tomb that day. We just stayed in bed.
"Hey! You read this! You're sight came back, that's something!" He said trying to cheer me up. I pretended to be asleep. I'm not doing well and I don't know what to do. What if she dies? What if the baby dies? What the hell do I do then?
August 20,
We are still stuck together. We keep going into the tomb but I just sit there. I don't talk to Harry or Ramses or anyone. I just sit there. And I'm just sitting here now writing. Harry is talking about how James was early. But Ginny is a whole lot stronger than Asteria is. And any child of Harry wants to come into the world, how could they not? He's wonderful and smart and handsome. Any baby would be lucky to have that as a father. My child probably realized who I was and doesn't want to be raised by me. Good lord I understand but I want a baby. I want a child so bad. So so bad. But I want a child who loves me and who is safe and in the world healthy. Children need two parents and they definitely don't need me as their only parent. No word has come from her yet. I don't know if my baby is alive or dead or out in the world without me or if she is still waiting to be free. I don't know.
August 21,
Harry brushed my hair this morning. I was sitting on the bed, staring down at my feet numbly, and he grabbed a brush and ran it through my hair. Then he pulled it back and secured it with the same spell he had used previously. Then he pulled a traveling cloak around me and waved his wand. My possessions were flying across the room to my trunk as were his.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"We are going home. That tomb is done, or done enough to do without me. Ginny said you could come to our house, and we are gonna be near your baby."
"But... we are stuck together still." I murmured.
"I know. Hush Draco. It's gonna be fine, there are several people back home who can help. Shhh don't worry." He muttered squeezing my hand. He reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.
"Come on you guys. The coach is ready." Jerry said, poking her head into the room.
Harry stood up and we walked out to the coach, it was still pulled by thestrals and I climbed into it. I settled by a window. Jerry leaned in and grabbed my knee.
"Take care of your baby. And breathe. It'll be fine. I promise."
"You aren't coming?" I asked surprised.
"Nope. They need me to finish out the month. Write me with updates you two." She grinned and leaned back out of the coach. It lurched into the air. I sighed and looked down. I leaned toward the window and slept. I woke up and found myself slumped against Harry. My head on his shoulder. He was reading a book. The character on the page was ranting in old English about Mr. Darcy. I yawned and shifted.
"You ok?" I nodded. He leaned his head on mine and chuckled at something on the page. He lifted his head and I lifted mine. I yawned again and looked out the window.
"We will touch down soon. I'm glad you woke up. We will take the train and then get to St. Mungos." I looked at him and my heart swelled. He was leaving a brilliant opportunity in Egypt to take me home. I wanted to kiss him and hold him and show him a baby that we were gonna raise together.
"Thank you." I said squeezing his hand. He nodded.
"You're welcome. Then we will go to my house and see James and Albus." I nodded.
We landed and climbed on the train. Someone threw something, a pencil I think, at Harry and murmured faggot under their breath. I turned and glared at the woman who had thrown the pencil. I stared at her intensely and she looked back at me. She had the distinctly harried look of someone with too many mouths to feed. She had shopping bags around her feet and she was swaying slightly with the motion of the train. I turned to Harry and kissed his mouth firmly. Then I turned back to the woman and flipped her off. She flushed a deep purple color and opened and closed her mouth like a fish. I leaned back and sighed. Harry gaped at me.
"Sorry that hag needed to learn a lesson." He chuckled then.
We got off the train and practically ran the three blocks to St. Mungos. When we got there I leaned on the counter heavily.
"Asteria Malfoy's room!" I panted.
"Sir she is in a closed ward. No visitors."
"I'm her husband!" I cried. The witch behind the counter raised her eyebrows and glanced at Harry.
"Cursed together in Egypt." He said grinning. Her eyebrows flew up in shock.
"Please can I see my wife?!" I cried. She huffed.
"Room 394. You probably can't go in the room but you can look." She said with a sigh. Harry and I ran down the hall, up the stairs and down another hall toward the room. I stopped so fast I almost crashed into a nurse. He raised his eye brow.
"Can I help you two? Adoptions happen on the second floor." He said glancing down at our hands.
"No we are cursed. My wife is in there." I said gesturing toward the room behind him.
"Oh! Hold on." He went into the room and conjured a bubble around Asteria. We could see through the window. He opened the door and let us in. Asteria looked awful. Pale and ghostly. Her belly was large and she turned tired eyes toward us.
"Draco. Harry." She said softly. I leaned forward.
"You're holding his hand. Is it 'cause you want to or cause of the curse?" She asked. I sighed.
"Cursed Asteria. How's the baby doing?" I asked. She coughed. And I saw anger flare in her eyes.
"Killing me." She said and I could hear the hatred in her voice. I stared at her shocked.
"I want it out Draco. But they won't let me. I've got to keep helping the baby they say. But I want to be free." She whined. I sighed and leaned away from her. Harry looked shocked.
"We will be back tomorrow. Hang in there. Owl if anything happens." I said. She scowled and we left. We apparated to Harry's house.
"She... Always been like that?"
"A gay husband doesn't make for a very maternal or happy wife." I said staring at his house.
"But still. She's being horrible. She's gonna have a baby!" Harry said shocked. I sighed.
"Look Harry. She married me for money and luxury and babies and a successful husband. Probably also for love and sex and nights tangled in the sheets talking till dawn. What she got was me, I'm gay. I chose to work because I got bored. I'm in love with someone else and she is having my baby. She's nice and we will probably be friends but she wants to be able to find someone who can give her what she wants." I turned back to the house and we walked in, Harry chewing the words.
"Dadda! Dada Dwaco!" A voice screamed and suddenly a black haired boy came flying at us. Harry grabbed him in a hug and then passed him to me. James squealed and hugged me snuggling close.
"Dada Dwaco come mommy!" He cried. A very tired Ginny appeared bouncing a fussing Albus.
"Yes thank goodness Draco is here. Now you will shut up about him." She said grinning. I smiled.
"Hi Ginny. How's the monster been?" I said bouncing James so he giggled.
"Well he asks about you more than he asks about his own father and he ripped open his father's paperwork because I didn't know when you two would be home." She sighed and handed Albus to Harry who took up bounced him. James stuck his thumb in his mouth and leaned his head on my shoulder. I kissed his forehead.
"Dada Dwaco get baby?" James asked suddenly looking behind me.
"Not yet, monster. Soon though." I said bumping my nose against his. He giggled and grabbed my face. I laughed.
"Alright. I am going to my Mum's house for a few days. Owl if you need me." She said and kissed her sons on the cheek. She smiled at Harry and stepped outside.
"She's leaving?" I asked.
"Yeah she needed a break. And Hermione is expecting a baby too so she wanted to be with them for a bit." Harry smiled down at Albus who squeaked and stretched. We walked into the kitchen and found a list of things to be done, like bathe James and that Albus would need a bottle in a few hours. Harry sighed.
"If you bathe James I will sit with Albus in the bathroom?" He asked. I nodded and we headed to the bathroom. I removed my traveling cloak and hung it up on a peg in the bathroom. I set James down and turned on the taps. James grasped my robes and stood looking sad. I knelt down in front of him.
"You want a bath, monster?" I said softly. He grinned at me.
"Good. Help me take off your robes ok? I've only got one hand." I said wiggling my hand at him and then tickled him. He giggled. Once undressed I got him in the tub and went about bathing him. He splashed me and giggled. I splashed him back and laughed. Harry chuckled from behind us. I was pretty soaked by the time James was clean. I wrapped him in a towel and rubbed his hair dry.
"I want Dwaco hair!" He cried grabbing my pony tail. I laughed. But he started crying.
"Dwaco hair!" He screamed.
"Shhh James. Look." I pointed at his dad. "You've got hair like that. And I think that hair is beautiful. Mines just long. I like yours. What a lovely color!" I said ruffling his hair. James looked at his dad's hair.
"You like dada's hair?" He asked quietly. I nodded.
"It's just like yours which means I love it." Harry squeezed my hand at that. I dried off James and then dressed him in pajamas with golden snitches all over them. I scooped him up and we walked into Harry's bedroom. He settled Albus into the crib and then we walked to James' room. I laid him in bed and ruffled his hair again. I kissed his forehead and smiled at him.
"Have lovely dreams, monster." I said. He giggled and snuggled into his bed. Harry leaned over and kissed James too.
"Night night Dada and Dada Dwaco." I smiled and then we walked to
Harry's bedroom. We undressed and settled into bed.
"If Albus wakes up I'll get him but I may have to wake you." I nodded.
"Are you gonna journal tonight?"
"Oh yeah!" I'm writing real quick before sleep. Harry is watching me and he looks peaceful.
"You make faces when you write." He said.
"Do I? Maybe it's because I've got some guy staring at me while I work?" I asked. He laughed and I smiled. I'm gonna sleep now. James is helping the panic but I'm worried about my baby. Born to bitter and hurting parents.
August 22,
We visited Asteria again today. Brought James and Albus with us. I couldn't help but feel like a family as we walked into the hospital. We had Albus in a stroller which Harry pushed and James was holding onto my robes clutching a stuffed snowy owl. People smiled as we walked past, waving at James who waved back. Albus was cooing and giggling and Harry was cooing right back.
"Awww look at you! Is that your owl?" A pretty witch asked in the lift up to the third floor.
"Yeah." James said showing her the owl.
"Oh it's beautiful. Are these your dads? And baby brother?" She asked.
"Yeah! Dada Dwaco and dada! And Al!" He cried tugging on my robes.
"You two make a lovely couple and your kids are the cutest." She said smiling indulgently at James.
"Oh we aren't together. We are cursed together. These are his kids." I said jerking my head at Harry. He smiled and moved Albus's stroller with his hip. She looked uncomfortable and smiled before getting out at the second floor. James let go of my robes when we were alone and made his owl fly around the lift. We got out at the proper floor and headed toward Asteria's room. Harry let a nurse take over rocking the stroller and I tried to give James to the other nurse but he fussed and tried to climb up to me.
"James you've got to go over by Al. I'll be right back, monster." I said. He walked over and stood by Albus looking nervous. Harry and I went into the room with Asteria. A nurse with a clipboard came up to me.
"The baby may need to come out soon. She's getting antsy and I don't want the baby in danger. We will owl you or send a patronus message when it happens but be prepared to get here fast." She said and left the room. Asteria was sitting up in her bed surrounded by her sterile bubble. She was reading.
"Hello." I said as we walked over.
She glanced up, smiled and went back to reading.
"How are you doing?" I asked.
"How the fuck do you think I'm doing? I'm growing your bastard baby and I'm in a fucking bubble. How would you be doing Draco?!" She snarled throwing her book aside.
"I want it out Draco. I want it to be fucking out and I want to be free. Don't look so shocked. You don't love me! I want to be free to find someone who does."
She scowled at me and then pulled her book back. Harry gently tugged me out of the room. James came hurtling at me and insisted I pick him up.
"He's gonna be mighty jealous when your baby gets here." Harry said leaning down to snuggle Albus. We walked out, me holding James and Harry pushing Albus. James pointed at trees and things and without realizing it I swung my hand holding Harry's. Once at his house we sat on the couch playing with the boys. I was holding Albus and watching his happy little baby movements. He's got Harry's eyes and Harry's hair, you can tell even though he's so little. James was being jealous and kept bringing things to me that Harry kept intercepting.
"No! Dada Dwaco mine!" He cried throwing a block.
"Actually James he's not. He's got his own baby coming soon." James looked at me and at Harry and then burst into tears. Albus then started crying in response to James.
"Oh no baby. No baby. You're ok. No no baby." I said bouncing him. Harry moved and comforted him. They stopped crying and we made dinner and then settled the kids down to bed. James was mad at me and wouldn't let me tuck him in. We walked back to Harry's room where we undressed.
"So if the baby comes while we are stuck together we will make room for the baby. It will have a home here as long as we are holding hands." He said with a chuckle. I smiled and we climbed into bed. He punched his pillow into a more comfortable position and pulled off his glasses and set them on the night table. I reached for my journal.
"You ever gonna tell me who you're in love with?" I sighed and looked at him.
"Nope."
"Please?" He asked pouting.
"No, and you look like James when you pout."
"If I guess right will you tell me?" I didn't respond just glanced at Albus' crib.
"Does he work with us?"
"Yes."
"Is he married?"
"Yes."
"Is he cute?"
"Extremely."
"Kids?"
"Yes."
"How many?"
"Not telling."
"Aww man. Nice butt?"
"Of course."
"Good hair?"
"Of course! Who do you think I am?"
"Are you ever gonna tell him?"
"I don't know." I said with a sigh. I rubbed my face and turned to him.
"Who wants a Malfoy with a baby? A Malfoy stuck to a Potter no less."
"Hey I thought you liked me!"
"I do but guys would line up to date you not me."
"Oh." He rubbed his face. I sighed again and stretched. "Night Draco. Or should I say Dwaco."
I rolled my eyes.
"Night Harry."
August 26th,
I feel as though I could die tomorrow and probably be happy. I wouldn't mind, truly. Harry and I took the boys on a picnic. Ron and Hermione (a very pregnant Hermione) and Ginny all met us at some park with blankets and food. It was a warmish day, I was comfortable in my robes. James ran up to his aunt and uncle and dragged Ron over to me.
"Won! Dada Dwaco!" He cried. Ron looked at me and down at our joined hands and raised an eyebrow at me.
"Curse in Egypt." I explained nervously. Ron chuckled. He picked Albus out of Harry's arms and smiled down at the baby.
"Hermione did you see?" He asked happily. Hermione had just dropped herself onto the ground and gazed at her husband with annoyance.
"Of course I saw Ron. Harry is holding hands with Draco Malfoy. I'm pregnant not blind. Yes hi James. I see Draco. Yes I do." She said, the last bit in baby speak. James brought her pine cones and rocks and pretty things he found. I sat next to her and Harry and Ron flopped onto the ground, immediately discussing Quidditch. Ginny sat opposite them animatedly defending some team. James continued to bring Hermione and me items he found interesting.
"Here. James let's make a crown for you head." She wove the needles and stuff he found into a crown. She placed it on his head and he turned to me.
"You look like a king. King James. Look at you." I said. He took it off and walked up to me. I bowed my head and he put the crown on my head. Then he looked at Hermione.
"He looks nice doesn't he James?" She asked. He nodded.
"Dada!" James cried. Harry turned to James and then saw me. He started laughing. A great roar of sound that was cut off when James started crying.
"What? Jamie what is it?" He asked worried. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"He's mad because you didn't say Draco is pretty."
"What? Draco is lovely James, hush now. Draco looks very good with his crown." James stopped sobbing and sniffled, staring at his dad. "Draco looks beautiful. Like a fairy prince, look." He said, and then reached over and pulled my hair out of its pony tail. The light wind pushed it over my shoulders and around my face. Both Harry and James stared transfixed. I however noticed the look Hermione passed at Ron. Ron looked oblivious but Hermione's look was filled with knowing. I flushed and stared at Harry's green eyes. James reached out and touched some of my long blonde hair. I smiled at James and ruffled his hair. He smiled.
"Dwaco pretty!" He cried and turned to Ron and Hermione for confirmation. She nodded but Ron stared at Harry. James didn't notice and sat down next to me to play with his stuffed owl. Harry shook himself and sat back talking to Ron again.
"So I hear you are gay." Hermione voiced. It wasn't a question.
"Yes." I stated.
"And uh... You don't happen to be uh gay for a certain someone sitting next to you?" She murmured. She said it very quietly and slowly. I turned to look at her.
"Gay for? Really?" She glared at me. I sighed. "Yes I happen to be gay for him. That obvious?" I asked.
She nodded. "Don't worry, he's not the brightest. There's a reason he isn't in Ravenclaw." I snorted and laughed. Harry turned toward me and grinned at me. He squeezed my hand and turned back toward Ron. Hermione's eyebrows rose and she eyed me suspiciously. I pretended not to notice and continued to play with James. When we left, Ron shook my hand.
"Harry says you aren't a prick anymore. Well most of the time you aren't." I smiled shyly. Hermione hugged Harry and cuddled James and kissed Albus on the nose. She smiled at me.
"Take care Draco." She smiled and grabbed Ron's outstretched hand. When we got home, Harry began babbling at Albus and I argued with James about a bath. Harry and I are getting really good at being parents with one hand. We pass the kids between us almost without looking. He hands me Albus when James runs into his hand range and when James is being a monster. When Albus fusses James is passed to my legs as Albus is handed to Harry.
We put the kids to bed easily, James was tired and Albus doesn't fuss. Harry tucked a blanket around Albus and rocked his cradle. I reached down and touched the boy's face. Harry sat on the edge of the bed watching me.
"Is this what it's like?" I murmured.
"What what's like?" He asked rubbing his face.
"What loving a child is like? Will I love my child this much?"
"As much as you love my kids?" He said chuckling. "You'll love your baby more I promise." I sat on the bed next to him. "Maybe not as much as you love James but close." He said with a grin. I smiled.
"I do love that kid." He smiled and we went to bed.
I woke up to him moaning and sobbing next to me.
"Not Sirius. Please. Sirius you can't leave me!" He cried. I stared at him shocked.
"Sirius!" He shouted. Albus started crying then. I shook Harry before reaching over and rocking the cradle to soothe Albus. Harry's face screwed up and he whimpered.
"Help me!" He cried. I shook him hard and his startling green eyes flew open. He blinked and gazed at me. I stared down at him.
"It's alright. It's ok." I said soothingly. Albus fussed slightly and I reached over to rock the crib again. Harry sighed.
"I'm sorry to wake you." He murmured. I lay back and brushed my hair back.
"It's ok. Do you want to talk about him?"
"Who?"
"Sirius. I know he meant something to you." I said.
"Oh. He was my godfather. I could have lived with him. He was the closest thing I had to a father. And then he died." He said. I nodded. Harry sighed. "I didn't grow up in a good home. I was neglected. It was awful. And Sirius could have saved me from that except Voldemort wanted to kill me and Dumbledore insisted I would be safer at my aunt and uncle's." He sighed. I noticed he was sweaty and shaky. I rolled over and pulled him close. I was half asleep. I'll admit that. But I knew that pulling him close seemed like the smart thing to do. He was ridged and then he relaxed into me. When I woke up, he had moved away from me.
August 30th,
I woke up to James bouncing on the bed in between Harry and I, and Harry trying to shush James.
"James! I'm begging you shush! Let him sleep!"
"No! Dada Dwaco wake up!" James cried. I groaned and rubbed my face.
"Dwaco!" James cried, flinging himself down on top of me.
"Oof. Monster you're heavy!" I cried ruffling his hair. He giggled and climbed onto my chest. He touched some of the hair that was resting on my shoulder and smiled.
"Morning, monster. Not gonna let me sleep?" I asked. He shook his head and grinned. I smiled and ruffled his hair again. Harry was holding Albus and holding my hand still and everything felt perfect. I smiled at James.
"Bubbles." He ordered. I laughed and grabbed my wand making multi colored bubbles flow from it. James grinned and reached for them. They changed colors when he grabbed them and he squealed in delight. I smiled too.
"Look Al. Look at the colors!" Harry said adjusting Albus on his bare chest so that he could bat bubbles toward them. I smiled. I know I shouldn't be feeling like a family. We aren't. I know that. But Merlin, when you watch the man you love with his children and you adore those children then how are you supposed to lie there and not fall for it? Not believe that it will be like that forever? Not want it? I certainly don't know how to not want it. And I want those two precious boys to be my precious boys and I want to be Harry's husband and I want to raise my child with him and I want him. Oh Merlin how I want him. We've been visiting Asteria every day and she's getting angrier and angrier. I wish they would just get me my baby so she can leave. But the healers want her to stay longer, even a little bit, so my baby can get bigger and stronger before coming out in the world.
Harry laughed and shifted Albus in his arms, swatted some bubbles away, leaned over and kissed my cheek.
"Come on you two, let's get up." He said laughing and stood up before freezing. I was just staring at him. I grabbed James and balanced him on my hip as I scrambled up staring at him. He avoided my gaze and studied Albus' blankets. I stared at him evenly.
"Harry..." I said softly.
"Look Draco it's nothing. Will you shut it. Thought you were my wife. It's a habit. Stop looking at me like that. We need a shower, Ginny will be here any minute to take the boys for the day." I just followed him as we gathered a diaper bag full of stuff and then handed the boys off to Ginny.
"You two look like a married couple who is fighting but putting on a brave face for me." She said laughing. She snuggled Albus close and brushed back James' hair.
"Jaimie you need a haircut!" She cried.
"No! Me like dada Dwaco!" He said stamping his foot and ducking out of his mum's hand. I laughed.
"He wants it long like mine." I said tossing mine back. James tossed his head similarly to how I had and made a face.
"What's up monster? Why you making that face?" Ginny burst into laughter. "What?!"
"He's making the face you just made." She said between giggles. I gaped at her and then Harry, who rolled his eyes.
"Oh lord." I said.
"Actually Draco you and Harry both need a haircut. Why don't you two shower and then I'll cut every ones hair?" Harry huffed and headed toward the stairs. I was forced to follow. We stripped down and stepped into the shower. They have a shower with shower heads in either end so we shower back to back and we don't have to look at each other.
"We don't have to talk about it. I'm just surprised." I murmured. Harry didn't say anything, I worked shampoo through my hair.
"I... It was nothing. Drop it." He snapped.
"Alright." I murmured. We finished and stepped out. I wrapped a towel low on my hips and combed my hair. Harry was getting dressed already. I pulled on my underwear and pants.
"I'm ready."
"You aren't wearing a shirt?!"
"No? I don't want hair in it after Ginny cuts it." Harry rolled his eyes and we headed downstairs. Ginny shoved us into chairs and James crawled into my lap. Ginny handed Harry Albus and grabbed some scissors.
"How short Draco?" She asked.
"Only enough to get the dead ends and such." I said. She nodded and set about snipping. James looked concerned and watched horrified.
"Monster it's just hair. It'll make it prettier." I said smiling. Ginny laughed.
"What do you think Harry? Makes him prettier?" She asked. Harry flushed and looked down at Albus. I grinned and kept still while Ginny cut my hair. She moved to Harry, just a trim for him too and then cut James' hair. He looked nervous.
"Dada?"
"Yes?"
"Me an' Dada Dwaco pretty now?" He asked nervously staring at Harry with big round eyes. He swallowed.
"Yes. You and Draco are both pretty." Ginny smiled and scooped up Albus.
"Come on James. Let's go see your grandma." She said. He hurried after her. They left through the living room fire and the house settled softly around us.
"Shall we go see Asteria?" He asked. I nodded. We stood and headed to the hospital.
"No kids today, Draco?" A nurse asked.
"Nope. They are with their mother. How's my baby?" I asked.
"Doing alright. Asteria is pretty feisty." I smiled and we headed into the room.
"Oh lord. Back?" Asteria said.
"Of course. I want to make sure you're ok." She shot me a look.
"Still stuck together?" I nodded.
"Oh you two are idiots." I raised an eyebrow.
"Oh please. It's so simple!" She cried, exasperated. I looked at Harry who looked confused.
"Really?!" She rolled her eyes. "Two bodies one heart? Really?!" I turned to Harry again, because his hand had clenched mine. Realization was dawning on his face. He was staring at me with a strange expression. It was like a mix of shock and admiration and realization.
"See he's got it. Why are you too dim to get it Draco?" She snapped.
"For the love of Merlin. You are stuck together because you love him!" She screamed when I continued to look at her blankly. I felt like I'd been hit.
"Asteria!" I cried.
"Oh shut the hell up. He probably already knew and if he didn't, I did you a favor." She snapped. "Just get out. Leave me in peace." She screamed. Harry tugged me out of the room. I don't know how we got back to his house. I walked through the hospital and the streets in a daze. He wasn't looking at me and I couldn't believe this was how he found out. How could this have been how he found out?! I'm still reeling. We are just sitting at the table. I'm writing frantically because I don't know how the hell to start a conversation about this. I don't know how the hell to deny what she said. I don't know how to tell him. I don't know what we do know. I don't know. Oh Merlin I don't know.