Important! While this is based on my life and the events that have taken place involving me, this is a Fanfiction and there will be fiction in the story. Enjoy!

Warning: This chapter has some very dark thoughts. It is an extract from my diary, with a few changes. If you do not like suicidal thoughts, I suggest you skip some of this chapter. I want to clear up that Isabella's past, never happened to me. I do know people who have had things happen to them, but it hasn't happened to me. Thank you for reading.

Last time:

"What are you all doing here?" she huffs, taking in her children and Jasper. When her eyes meet mine, she smiles widely and comes forward, taking me into her arms. Her hugs have always been motherly to me and I love her as if she was my real mother. Esme and Carlisle grew up with Charlie and Renee, but they lost contact after Emmett, Alice, Edward and I were born. They started their families and they lost contact with each other. When Alice and I became friends, Renee and Esme started talking again and now they are as close and Alice and I are.

"Talk to me later," she whispers in my ear and I nod. Alice huffs and moans about Esme hogging me, making us both laugh. Alice eventually drags me up to her room to put on a DVD. On the way up, I couldn't help but notice that Edward and Jasper had disappeared.

Chapter thirteen.

Now:

"Hey, Mary?" Alice looks up with a hum in response, not even yelling at me for calling her Mary. "Where did Jasper and Edward go?" She shrugs and continues to look through her CD's.

"Aaha! I found it!" she squeals and all but runs over to her CD player, putting in the CD. She presses a few buttons and soon she is jumping on the bed, the tunes of Justin Bieber coming from the stereo.

"And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh. Like baby, baby, baby no. Like baby, baby, baby, oh. I thought you'd always be mine, mine." I roll my eyes at Alice as she jumps on her bed, pointing at me and screaming the words at the top of her lungs. She notices and giggles, before plopping onto the bed next to me. Panting, she turns and smiles widely at me, making me laugh and shake my head. Alice always knows how to cheer me up, and that is one of the reasons I love her so much.

"Justin Bieber? Really, Alice?" She nods and looks at me like it's a sin to not like Justin Bieber. No offence, but Glee did it better.

"Yeah, he's awesome and super cute. Don't you just want to put him on a leash and take him for a walk?" she giggles and I burst out into loud laughter. I never really thought of that.

"Not really, no. I don't really want to take anyone for a walk, let alone Justin Bieber." She shrugs and tells me that it's 'my loss'. I beg to differ, but I don't tell her that.

For the next hour, Alice convinces me to allow her to play with my hair. It's soothing and I can feel myself drifting off.

"You did make a good point there, Isabella. Where did those guys go?" she muses, snapping me out of my sleepy state. I shrug one shoulder, humming along to her music. Thank goodness this CD isn't just Justin Bieber, or I might have to kill myself.

"There weren't outside when we came in. I thought they had maybe gone into Edward's room, but I haven't heard them since." She hums again and continues to braid my hair.

"Your hair is so beautiful. You should wear it down more often." She pauses, as if in thought. "In fact, I don't think I have ever seen you wear it down." She finishes my hair as she says the last word. I grab the end and finger just below the band. Following the braid, it finishes just behind my bangs, which are still tucked behind my ears.

"My hair is something that I love, and I know that if I wear it down, it's just something else for people to talk about." I twist it around my hand and Alice watches me with sad eyes.

"I wish I could take away your pain. You don't deserve anything you've had done to you," Alice whispers, but I can still hear her over the music. I look at her to find tears swimming in her eyes.

"Alice, I wish you wouldn't cry for me. I'm not worth it." At this, big, fat tears start to fall from her eyes and she launches herself at me, clinging to my body.

"You are worth it, Isabella. You are, you are!" she chants and I rub her back, trying to soothe her. She sits crying for a few minutes, trying to convince me that I am worth it. I don't agree, but then I don't disagree out loud either. When she finally calms down, she still doesn't let go of me.

I sit still, trying not to move. If I move, she could feel my fat. I don't think I could handle that right now. She could feel it and pull away in disgust. I can't say that hasn't happened before. As if Alice can hear my thoughts, she pulls away and wipes under her eyes. Even though she has been crying, her make-up is still immaculate.

"Alice, baby? Are you okay?" We both turn to see Jasper run through the door, coming straight for Alice and taking her into his arms and off of me. I exhale the breath I was holding, therefore, making my size the way it should be again. He holds her to his body and she snuggles into his shoulder. I have to look away from their embrace, jealousy starting to take me over.

I pick at my finger nails as Jasper quiets Alice. I jump when I feel another person sit down next to me. My intake of breath tells me it's Edward. His earthly scent surrounds me and I shiver involuntarily. What is going on with my body?

Edward doesn't say anything and neither do I. We both sit side by side, waiting for Alice and Jasper to join us again. When they do, all three eye me carefully.

"I'm not going to die. You can all stop watching me now,." I huff and cross my arms over my chest. They all look around the room, as if they weren't even looking at me in the first place.

"You're hair looks nice, Iz," Jasper drawls and I smile shyly at him.

"Thanks, Alice did it." He smiles when I meet his eyes, but I quickly look away again. I find it hard to look people in the eye. I don't know why, I just always have. I think it's because I believe that people's eyes are the windows to their souls. If someone sees into my soul, they could see something I don't want them to see. They could see who I really am - a scared little girl.

"So, what happened today, Isabella?" Edward asks, talking for the first time since he came into the room. I sigh and look down at my lap.

"If you don't tell us, we will ask around at school and you know we will get the full story," Jasper states, but his voice is soft, enchanting. I blink a few times, trying to decide if I should tell them or not. If I do, they will know all about my past and they will be disgusted. Alice might not want to be my friend anymore. But, if I don't, Rosalie or one of her friends could tell them an edited version, making everything worse that it is. God, why is everything so hard in my life?

"Emmett told Rosalie about something that had happened to me, and she thought it would be funny to re-enact it. So she did." I shrug.

"What happened to you?" Jasper asks.

"You've seen the video. Work it out." Their sharp intakes of breath tell me that they know exactly what I am talking about.

"Why doesn't anyone know?" Alice whispers and I can tell that she is crying again. I hate that. I hate that she feels the need to cry for me all the time. I want Alice to be happy and I want her to smile. She has such a beautiful smile and it's a shame when it gets replaced by tears.

"I was ten, Alice. Nobody believes a ten year old girl. Anyway, Charlie took care of it." Alice goes to say something, but I hold up my hand, cutting her off. "Please, can we not talk about it?" She nods, but I can see the determination to find out everything on her face.

"Thought any more about what I said?" I freeze and feel my face flush. His breath washes over my neck, making all my skin erupt in goose bumps. His voice is hushed, making it sound even more like honey. I can see Jasper and Alice watching, but I know by the confused looks on their faces that they didn't hear what he said.

"Not really, no," I murmur back, because honestly, I haven't.

"I need an answer," he chuckles quietly and yet more blood rushes to my face.

"I need to go home," I tell everyone and quickly stand, walking out the room. Alice runs out after me and tells me she will give me a ride home; I accept with a smile. When we go to leave, Esme pouts that we haven't had time to talk. I apologize and promise that I will be around again soon. That makes her smile and she lets me leaves with a final hug.

The ride back is awkward. I can see that Alice is tense and I feel bad because I know she feels like this because of what I said. I wish I hadn't said anything now. She now knows my secret; the one secret I didn't want to tell anyone. I guess she would have found out eventually, but I have kept it for seven years. I guess I thought I could keep it forever.

Emmett isn't home when I get back and neither is Renee. Charlie grunts his hello as I walk past him and up to my bedroom. I quickly use the bathroom, and then sit on my bed, looking around the open space. Suddenly, an idea comes to mind and I bend over to grab my diary from under my bed.

I quickly flip through it, trying to find the page I want. I haven't written in this diary for about a year now. When I started it, I was in a dark place. I had a form of depression left over from the incident when I was ten, and every little thing that has happened since then.

I find the page and start reading.

'If I could change anything, I wouldn't keep anything the way it is. Sure, I would keep my eyes and hair, because you can't really change that. I want smaller legs and a smaller stomach. I want bigger boobs, because then, guys might like me. I want to be prettier, because I am an ugly person. I want to be a nicer girl, because I'm a bitch. My friends are only my friends because they are afraid of me. I don't know why, because my bark is worse than my bite. I couldn't hurt a fly, and I am still a virgin, even though nobody thinks I am. As if someone would sleep with me, anyway. I want to fit in with fashion and I want to look good every day. I don't like wearing make-up, but I do sometimes because it makes me feel like I fit in with people my age. Girls my age are all super skinny and beautiful and I want to be the same.; I want to fit in.

I feel like I am a monster. I feel like I shouldn't eat anymore, because then maybe I could be better. I see beautiful girls everyday with their hair amazingly done and their make-up flawless. If I try and make myself look like that, it all falls flat within an hour, because I am a failure.

I sometimes sit in the lunch room and watch Emmett with all of his friends. They laugh and have fun. I will admit that I am jealous of my brother;everyone likes him. Everyone wants to be his friend. Alice is great, but she is the only friend that I have. I wouldn't change her, but I feel like she's only my friend because she has to be. Someone has to be friends with the fat girl. Poor girl drew the short straw.

Watching Emmett, I see the way he interacts with everyone around him. I see the way his dimples come out when he smiles. I see the way that all his friends generally want to be around him. No-one wants to be around me. I don't even want to be around me. I'm a prisoner in my own body -my huge, massive, fat body.

I eat because it makes me feel safe. He told me that I was such a pretty girl and it would be a shame if he missed the opportunity. If I'm ugly, nothing like that would ever happen again. Old men won't touch me again and I won't be pinned to walls while guys I don't know touch me. I won't be attacked again. I am human - I still feel and I still bleed. I feel pain just like everybody does. I feel every blow like everyone else does, because, believe it or not, there is skin over my fat. Fat doesn't block out pain.

I see him around a lot, Richard. Every time I do, he's with a different girl, smiling and laughing too loudly. Of course, the girls swoon and giggle obnoxiously, trying to get him to look at them for that extra second. I want to be one of those girls. I want more than anything for him to even glance my way. I would give up everything, even my own life, just to be looked at for a second, as if I'm not the ugly, weird girl. The fat girl.

I have thought about that before, giving up my own life. Would people miss me? Would people come to my funeral? Would it even be acknowledged? I know my family would be there, but they have to. It would seem suspicious if they didn't go to my funeral. I wouldn't want anyone to cry, though. I wouldn't be worth anyone's tears. I'm not worth anything.

Self-harm is also something that has flitted through my mind. To feel a blade slice through my skin;would it feel as good as eating a chocolate bar? Would I feel the same buzz the sugar gives me? I could sit and watch the blood ooze from the wound, maybe taking some of the fat with it. I could watch as my life leaves me. I would be the one inflicting pain on myself for a change. And what a great change it would be.

I hate who I am. I hate who I have made myself into. I want to change. It's just harder than some people think. I know I don't have it as hard as some people do, but I don't have it easy, either. People only see me for my appearance, not for who I am inside. People always point out what is wrong with me, when I look in the mirror and see it every day. I'm not oblivious. I'm not stupid.'

I slam the diary shut, not wanting to read anymore. The words float around my head, but I don't cry. I cried when I wrote that. If you look hard enough, you can still see the tear marks on the page, smudging the words. I can still remember how I felt at the time.

I had come home after the incident with Emmett's friends. He had helped me clean my wounds and I had thought about cutting when I was in the shower. I didn't, but I can remember the urge to reach out for my razor. I can still feel my fingers itching to grab it and put it to my wrist.

I snap out of my thoughts and bury my head in the pillow, willing the pain to go away.

Thank you so much for reading. I am sorry if I have upset anyone with my story, but this is like cleansing for me. Writing it down makes me feel better.

A HUGE thank you to my amazing BETA, RuthPerk. You are awesome!

I have Twitter! Follow me? The link is on my profile.

Thanks for reading.

Twi-girl09

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