Dean didn't sleep well that night. He often had nightmares, but tonight was especially awful.
All of the memories he had from the trip to spain last summer blended with the things he did with Castiel that day. It was a terrible mix of Jimmy and Castiel and soon he couldn't even remember who was who. Everything he saw was their face, their movements, their sad smile when he got into the taxi to leave for the Airport.
It was like they were one person, it was like they both left him behind, it was like they had both hadn't called him back, like they both died.
When Dean finally could escape this hell he found himself in his bed. He was sweating and crying. He rubbed a hand over his damp forehead and let out a choked sob. That was not fair.
He tried to think about all the nice things he had done with Castiel today, about their conversations and the walk home, but everytime he saw Castiels face, he just saw Jimmy in it.
Castiel got up late. He had spent half the night with telling Charlie every single detail about his date with Dean and his ears were still ringing after her permanent sqealing. With a yawn he rolled over onto his stomach to pick up his phone from the nightstand.
It was nearly twelve, but that was not a problem. Last night he had decided to stay the whole week so he didn't need to get to any trains in time. When he checked the time he noticed that he had a few new messages.
One of Charlie and two from... from Dean.
9:03: Mornin Cas it's me Dean. Could you come over when you get this message? It's important.
11:23: Cas?
Castiel swallowed thickly. What could Dean want to talk about with him? And why was it so important?
He cursed himself for sleeping so long. He hastily got out of bad and grabbed his phone and keys, he was still wearing the things from last night. He had been so tired that he had just fallen into bed when he was done talking to Charlie.
While leaving the building he wrote Dean a quick reply.
12:05: Sorry slept too long, on my way, Cas.
With quick steps he made his way through the small town to the Winchesters house. The nervousness made his palms go cold and sweaty. What was wrong...? He was already halfway cross the yard when he saw Dean sitting on the stairs that were leading up to the door.
"Dean! You wanted to talk?", he said quietly and slowed down a little.
Dean looked up and his face paled even more. He looked weak and tired, his skin was strangely grey and he had bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept all night. His green eyes were as pale as his skin and looked terribly dull.
"Dean are you okay? You look sick, did you catch a cold last night?", he asked a little anxious. He took a few steps closer and saw how Dean winced at his voice. Castiel frowned. "Dean, what's wrong?"
Dean looked down at his hands again as if he couldn't stand looking at him too long. The dark haired man started to panic. What had happened? Why was he like that?
"Cas I...", Dean said, his voice barely a whisper. "... I can't."
Just two words, but Castiel knew exactly what he meant. For a second he thought his knees would give in or that he would loose it and burst out crying, but nothing happened. He just froze, not able to move. And was pretty damn thankful for that.
What had he thought when he came here? What had he thought when Dean had talked about kissing him last night? What had he hoped for? He was such a fool!
"I ... I want to, god I want to so bad but...", Deans voice broke again. "I see him everytime I look at you. I want it to be you but ... it's him I see."
Castiel still wasn't able to move. He couldn't speak nor could he breathe, the only thing he could was think about how stupid he had been. Not only was it painful for him, it was painful for Dean. He had been acting so selfish!
"When I hear your voice I can hear him say it... 'I'll call everyday'. He never did. I waited, every day I sat beside the phone and waited for it to ring.", Dean shook his head. "Do you have any idea how that feels like? And now he's dead.", he sighed. "I don't know what's worse..."
Castiel wanted to apologize, he wanted to tell Dean how sorry he was, that all of this was his fault and that he should have stayed home, that he was going to go and everything would be fine, but he couldn't. It got stuck in his throat.
Dean looked up at Castiel his pale green eyes glinting with tears. "The worst thing of it all is that you're so different. You're everything he wasn't. I loved every second we spent together yesterday but now all I can see is Jimmy... it feels like you could disappear every second and I wouldn't ever hear from you again."
"Dean I'm so sorry.", Castiel managed to say. His voice was low and raspy.
"It's not your fault.", Dean mumbled "It's his."
Castiel bit his lip, trying to avoid Deans gaze. He turned around and closed his eyes for a moment before walking towards the "It hurts you when I'm around... I should leave. I shouldn't have come in the first place... I'm sorry."
"Wait!", he heard Dean say but he didn't turn around. He felt how Dean gripped his wrist and he stopped, not wanting to upset Dean any more.
"Dean...", he attempted to say something but Dean cut him off.
"I don't want you to leave.", he blurted out. His expression desperate and his eyes wide. "Cas, I like you and I really want to get to know you better, it's just that I can't ... I know I can't ask that from you, but I need a time. Just to... to get over it somehow."
Castiel looked up at him, into those green eyes of his.
"Dean I only have one week and it'll hurt you if I-"
"Cas it's okay... it's okay, I've felt worse.", Dean said with the weakest attempt of a smile Castiel had ever seen. "Besides, I wanted to see this tattoo of yours."
Castiel shook his head but smiled anyways.
"Does that mean yes?", Dean asked and the smile turned a shade brighter.
"That means yes.", Castiel said and smiled back at him. "Now come on I think you could really use a coffee."
Dean chuckled weakly and nodded. Castiel beamed at him and dragged him onto the street on wich Dean just groaned a little. But Castiel knew that he was happy... well as happy as he could be.