Varric was beginning to feel more and more like a referee.
He had to be the one to warn the girls not to pull anything quite so explicit again in the Hanged Man, if they didn't want to be banished forever. He was pretty sure Aveline gave them a similar warning involving a night in lock-up, but that was probably less deterrent than she imagined, compared to losing their watering hole.
He also had to be the one to communicate with Fenris these days, since the elf was now a lot less inclined to visit the Hawke manor. He saw quite enough of Hawke everywhere else, apparently.
Varric wasn't sure how they were managing it, but somehow one or the other of them appeared everywhere the elf went. He saw it himself on a number of occasions, and it wasn't reserved to Hightown or the Hanged Man. On the docks, on the streets of Lowtown, even in the Blooming Rose, where Fenris had taken to doing his drinking most nights, either Hawke or Isabela would appear. They would be occupied with some task, talking to some stranger, always seemingly with some legitimate reason to be there.
They were haunting him, like ghosts. Sexy, persistent ghosts.
Once they saw him, the two temptresses would stop whatever they were doing and smile enticingly at him - Hawke sweetly, her lovely eyes lighting up with real pleasure at the sight of him; Isabela with a sultry, I see you there and I'm enjoying the view expression.
Fenris would give them a lingering look as he passed, but that was all.
Varric had been greatly amused by these shenanigans at first, but it was starting to get to him. Games were all well and good on a peaceful day in Kirkwall, but in the middle of a Situation it was damned distracting. It was bad enough for Varric when they set up camp on the side of Sundermount and the girls shared a bedroll. They were much too wrapped up in each other to converse with him in front of the fire, and his own bed was looking pretty cold by comparison. But he could eventually get some rest - unlike Fenris, who sat up all night trying not to look at the four shapely legs tangled together just a few feet away. And failing miserably, it was clear.
A distracted, sleep-deprived elf with a giant sword was just not healthy to have around. At one point Fenris became flustered enough to wander into his shot in the middle of a skirmish, so that Varric nearly hit him with a volley of arrows. Fenris apologized profusely, saying his mind was elsewhere. Well, of course it was! It was right over there with Hawke and Isabela, who were fighting back to back with their long knives - both of them beautiful, sleek and ferocious, not to mention deadly. Even when they weren't trying to entice him now, they were a distraction.
One of these days, Isabela was going to decide to pull this shit in the middle of a fight. Not Hawke, she was at least sensible enough to put everything else aside in a real battle, and she could be quite focused on accomplishing the task at hand when it came down to it. But Isabela could never quite take danger seriously. And if she decided to be distracting, who was going to get a giant sword to the head? Certainly not the lovely ladies who were getting all of Fenris's attention these days. No, it would be Varric who lost his head. And he needed his head. He kept all his best stories there.
Varric pondered these concerns as he waited for Fenris to make a rare appearance at the Hanged Man, at his request. The dwarf had cultivated quite a habit of silently narrating all of the goings-on around him, for practice. It was good to have certain descriptions worked out ahead of time, in case he would be writing about them later. When the elf appeared, Varric easily slipped into an internal monologue:
The broody elf scanned disdainfully through the riff-raff of the dingy tavern. With his white hair and his striking tattoos, he tended to stand out in a crowd however much he tried to melt into the periphery. At last he spotted the handsome dwarf at the bar, and approached.
"Varric."
"Broody."
"... Must you call me that?"
"If I don't, I'll have to come up with something else you might like even less."
"If you insist. But I won't answer to it."
"Let's go back to my quarters." Varric lifted an impressive load of ale and lead the way.
"Have the others arrived?" Fenris asked him, as they walked into Varric's empty suite.
"Oh yes. The others. Actually..."
Fenris stopped short.
"I may have exaggerated when I said everyone would be here for a meeting."
"Exaggerated how much?"
Varric hopped into his favorite chair. "It's just you and me, Broody."
"Wonderful," Fenris said disdainfully.
The broody elf crossed and uncrossed his arms. He never seemed to know quite what to do with his limbs, when he wasn't hacking something to pieces.
"I've been wanting to chat with you," Varric said, gesturing to a nearby seat.
Fenris remained standing. "Yes?"
"Don't get comfortable or anything," he said dryly.
After a moment of silence, Fenris acquiesced and sat down next to Varric. "Does this have something to do with Isabela and Hawke? And how you've been conspiring with them to humiliate me?"
Varric raised an eyebrow. "Is that what you think this is about?"
"That is the effect, regardless of their intention," he said stiffly.
The elf stared away at nothing, trying in vain to conceal the tumult of emotions that… yada yada yada... or maybe he was just bored, who the hell knows. Got to work on my characterization there.
Varric took on a soothing tone, the one that he tended to use when selling something, or conning someone. "Nobody's trying to humiliate anyone."
Fenris wasn't buying. "Why are you assisting them with this... absurdity, dwarf? Is it that amusing?"
The dwarf gulped his ale and tried to think of a way to deny it, and decided not to bother.
"Well, what can I say? They do amuse me. And they're dear friends of mine, so it's easy to get swept up into their crazy plans. Did I ever tell you about the time they broke into the Viscount's office and replaced all the-"
"Varric."
"It's a good story!"
Fenris's distinctive eyebrows came together in that particular way that indicated he was contemplating how best to mount a dwarf's head on his wall. Our clever hero decided to rethink his approach.
"Look, I get that they can come on a little strong. But they're completely serious about this. Once Isabela's got her mind set on something she's not going to give up until she gets it. And Hawke, I think she has a little crush on you."
Whatever Fenris had prepared in reply, he stumbled over it once he registered Varric's last sentence. "I - it doesn't - that is very unlikely. And regardless, you should not be encouraging them in this madness."
"They hardly need my encouragement."
Fenris let out a long sigh, and contemplated his metal gauntlets restlessly. "What was it you wished to ask of me?"
"Well, it's a little delicate, actually." Varric sat back and chewed over how best to present this little development. "The girls are asking me if I'd like to, er, substitute for you. Well, Isabela is doing the asking, but I'm assured that Hawke is fine with it."
Fenris remained placid. "That is not my business."
"I think it is, a bit. The whole idea is to make you jealous."
He snorted. "That would be next on the list, wouldn't it?" Just a trace of an exasperated smile. Interesting."Will you be taking them up on it?"
"Probably not. I'm not that into the idea of being a second-best replacement, you know. I'd have to let them come onto me in front of you, and that's just not dignified. But then again, it's been awhile for me, and I do like to make sure all the important parts are in working order..."
"Go ahead then. Are you... asking my permission?"
"Not exactly. I just wondered what your thoughts on that would be. You know, if I turn them down, I'm guessing Anders is the next option."
Oho, that made him twitch. I saw that.
"Can I give you a bit of advice, Broody?"
"No."
"How about an insight, from somebody who knows Hawke and Isabela very well?" Varric did not wait for a reply to go on. "I've seen what's been going on, and I can't help noticing… well, you never quite say no to them, do you? You ignore them, you refuse to take the bait, or you just leave. I think I heard you say 'not now' once. That was it."
Fenris looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Your point being?"
"What you haven't done is tell them to buzz off, leave you alone, or that you're not interested. You just say 'not now'. And to our Isabela, that's not a No. That's a big Maybe."
He sighed, and shifted in his chair.
"If you really do want them to leave you alone, you had probably better say so. Or I could tell them, if you wanted."
At that, the elf gave him a withering look. "I don't need protection, dwarf."
"What do you need? Seriously, what is up with this?"
"Not your business."
"When the girls are driving everybody mad with sexual frustration that's supposed to be aimed at you, I'm involved whether I like it or not. And frankly, after aiding and abetting them a little more than I should have, I'd like to know if I should be feeling bad about it."
"If I tell you, will you let the matter drop?"
Surprised, Varric simply said "yes".
Fenris crossed his arms once more, and studied the ceiling closely. "It is a Maybe."
Varric grinned triumphantly. "A-ha!"
"That's all I have to say."
"So I'd better turn them down, on the threesome invite."
He shrugged. "Do it if you like. Perhaps you would buy me some time."
"Time for what? I don't get it-"
"Of course you don't. You're like her, Isabela. You're both thieves. You don't understand why someone wouldn't just take what they wanted, whatever the consequence." Fenris stood abruptly. "I would appreciate if you did not mention this conversation to anyone else."
"Goes without saying," Varric waved him off.
And that was that. The mysterious broody elf slunk out of the handsome dwarf's quarters having explained almost nothing, leaving him to wonder whether he should hope the two temptresses left him alone for awhile, or that they would corner him somewhere and kiss some sense into him, and whether the elf would hold it against him if he did go to bed with Isabela and Hawke, and-
Oh hell. I'd like to see the elf not be so damned tragic all the time. Whatever makes that happen is good by me.
Varric concluded that this was best handled between the three of them, since he wouldn't even begin to know where to meddle here. He just hoped somebody would be left standing at the end to tell him the story, because it was bound to be juicy.