It's like a buzzing sound. A constant ringing in the back of his head that is just quiet enough that he can ignore it, but loud enough to know that it's there. It never stops. Wherever Kurt goes he can feel it; the unsettling conclusion that something just isn't right. He knows his dad can feel it too, but neither of them acknowledge it. It frightens Kurt though, he's afraid that maybe one day the buzzing will get louder and louder until it's deafening.
Even now, as Kurt walks down the halls of McKinley, he feels it again. He takes a deep breath and keeps walking. One more class until lunch. He thinks to himself. Then he can escape from the stares for just a few minutes, which he covets. Those precious forty minutes where Kurt can just hide from everyone and actually breathe.
Kurt feels a lot of that lately, he thinks. Nowadays it feels like he's constantly holding his breath, waiting for something to happen. Maybe he's just waiting for the buzzing to stop. Or get louder.
Mindy Kellbourg he thinks as he sees her walking by. He already knows who it is without looking up. He's memorized the feel of her stare. The weight of her judging eyes as she stares at him for just a split second, but long enough for Kurt to feel the hate, confusion, disgusting, fag, gross, unnatural words roll off of her. This is how it is. The one and only person Kurt confided in years ago. He was eight, so was she. Third grade. They weren't the best of friends, but to Kurt she could be trusted. Everyone could be trusted. Kurt shrinks in on himself with the thought. The innocence, he thinks. All those years ago, when Mindy said she thought Jake was cute, a boy a year older in their school. Kurt knew who she was talking about. Jake had pretty eyes. Anyone could see that. He agreed. She thought Kurt was gross for looking at Jakes eyes like that. "ONLY GIRLS CAN DO THAT" "YOU'RE JUST WEIRD, KURT!"
Thankfully, Mindy never told anyone what happened. Or at least, he didn't think she did. She was, in fact, the only one that looked at Kurt like that with the gross, weird, hate, hurt words that always popped into Kurt's head when he saw her look at him like that.
The bell rang as Kurt walked into his second class. This was Media class, one of Kurt's favourite and least favourite classes. On one hand, the teacher really seemed to like him, and she let him put his head down and relax when he wanted to. On the other hand, this class had no prerequisites, and Mrs. Brathe was known as an easy marker, so needless to say this class was quite attractive to the lazy students. Unfortunately for Kurt, these people included Azimio and Craig. Two jocks on the football team.
They've never spoken to Kurt, or acknowledge his existence for the matter. But Kurt feels nervous around them. He knows how they feel towards people that are different. People that are less. He's seen them slushie that kid with the thick glasses and red hair. That kid transferred out last semester, and everyone knows why. He had to escape the torment because he must have not been able to take it for much longer. The jocks are now on lookout for a new victim, and Kurt has never felt so nervous in his life when he sees them in class on the days they decide to show up. He feels like they can hear the buzzing too.
Kurt shakes his head. Of course they can't, you lunatic. Who complains about a buzzing noise that's not actually a noise at all? Maybe I'll start hearing voices now, too. Oh god, I'm talking to myself again.
Kurt side-eyes the jocks. They were passed out in the corner of the classroom. Mrs. Brathe didn't seem to care today, after all, it was a Monday. Suddenly Kurt felt really tired as well, and laid his head on the desk, facing away from the class, finally allowing himself to breathe.
About ten years ago, when Kurt was only six, he had his first panic attack. He remembers having his friend Braeden over for a play date. They were playing ninja turtles; both boys running around on the padded basement floor in their teenage mutant ninja turtle pj's. Kurt loved ninja turtles, but for some reason he really wanted to play house.
"Wanna play house?" Kurt had asked.
"What's that?" Braeden asked, his small eyebrows bunching together in confusion.
"It's where you pretend to have babies and a house and then you be like grown-ups and then you make dinner!" Kurt was very excited to play this game and he hoped Braeden would be too.
"Don't we need a mommy if we wants to have babies?" Braeden asked while playing with his Leonardo action figure.
Kurt didn't know what to say. He wasn't really sure.
"Well.. maybe we can both be daddies instead!" Kurt hesitated. Even when Kurt was six he knew he was different for thinking that.
"THAT CAN'T BE TRUE YOU NEED A MOMMY!" Braeden shouted. He ran upstairs to ask Elizabeth, Kurt's mom, if it was true.
Elizabeth was in the middle of making dinner when she heard Braeden running up the stairs.
"Kurt wanted to play house and he said we could both be daddies and have babies but that's not true right? Only mommies and daddies can have babies, right?"
Elizabeth hesitated. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Elizabeth remembers Kurt asking if he could one day be a prince and save the princess from the bad guys. Except Kurt seemed to think he would be running to save a prince rather than a princess.
She didn't know what to say. Of course, she would still love Kurt more than anything even if he turned out to be gay, but he just seemed so young to start having these feelings. Either way, Elizabeth knew that she had to support her son.
"Braeden, daddies can have babies too if they want to!" She said enthusiastically. She saw Kurt padding up the stairs as she spoke.
"I don't get it. Everyone is a mommy and daddy! I've never seen two daddies before." Braeden crossed his little arms over his chest, his bottom lip sticking out subtly.
As Elizabeth was about to reply, she saw movement out of the corner of her eyes. She looked over to see Kurt bolting up the stairs, his legs disappearing as he turned the corner into the upstairs bathroom. The door slammed shut.
Sensing that something was wrong, Elizabeth quickly turned on the television, grateful that a new episode of Spongebob Squarepants was currently playing. She sat Braeden in front of the tv.
"Braeden just wait here and watch cartoons while I go get Kurt, okay?"
The small boy didn't respond; his eyes already glazed over as he inched closer to the tv.
Elizabeth sighed and went upstairs, gingerly knocking on the bathroom door.
"Kurt, sweetie? Can you open the door for me?" No answer.
"Kurt? Baby let mommy in so we can talk" Still no response. She began to panic. Usually whenever Kurt locks himself in the bathroom he yells from the other side, asking to be left alone. She presses her head to the door, straining her ears to hear something, anything.
The first thing she can make out is the sound of heavy breathing. She can hear nails dragging across the linoleum floor. "Kurt? Kurt!" Still no answer. Elizabeth springs into action, running down the stairs to the kitchen. She reached behind the microwave to grab the spare bathroom key. This is about the tenth time Kurt has locked himself in the bathroom, so she and Burt decided to keep the key hidden in an easily accessible spot. As she races back up the stairs she turns around to see Braeden still mesmerized by the television.
Quickly unlocking the door, she bolts in the room only to see her six-year-old son curled up between the toilet and the wall, shaking slightly.
"Kurt baby what's wrong?" She says as she picks her son up and places him against the far wall.
Kurt pants. "Mommy, mommy please!" His eyes are shut tight, cheeks glistening with sweat as he runs his fingernails along the floor again. "Mommy…" Kurt starts to sob quietly, tucking his knees under his chin.
Elizabeth doesn't know what to do. She's never see her son like this before. Should she call Burt? An ambulance? She starts to tear up as she speaks. "Kurt baby what's wrong please baby tell me!"
Kurt pants even faster. His nails scraping loudly against the floor as he chokes out. "Something's wrong with me mommy. Something's really wrong with me, isn't there."
"Kurt nothing is wrong with you. Why would you think something like that?" She smoothes Kurt's short bangs out of his face as his forehead dampens with sweat. She contemplates calling an ambulance.
"Kurt are you sick? Does your tummy hurt?" The little boy is shaking his head before she can finish.
"NO MOMMY!" He shouts. Suddenly he stops, his nails freezing against the floor. Kurt slumps his shoulders and leans back against the wall.
Elizabeth Hummel will never forget this moment. The way her son looked so dejected. The way his muscles gave out as he leaned back. The way he looked as if he had given up already. She'll never forget the look in his eyes. The torment in his features as he raised his head to stare at her. Chills running down her spine as she watches Kurt's tear-stained cheeks rise to meet her face. And then Kurt speaks.
"It's wrong to love boys, isn't it, mommy?"