"Relax, it'll all be over soon. You just gotta deal with it for now." Gokudera places a hand on Phoenix's head and pats it. "You can do it. You're strong."
"I don't think I am. At least not in the way you think I am." The girl props herself against the wall and leans back with her eyes closed. "Last time I went through this I nearly killed Reaper, the time before that I killed an innocent, and the time before that I jumped off a bridge. I keep telling everyone I'm not strong, that I can barely keep myself together and none of you believe me." She turns to look at Gokudera. "Why doesn't anyone believe me?"
"Because we know you're a strong girl. You say you can't keep it together but that's only because you don't think you can. It's all in your head."
"I can't keep myself together, Hayato. I used to be able to but ever since I met..." Phoenix sighs. "...ever since I started feeling emotions again I haven't been able to keep my past in the past. Every night I see the faces of every person I've killed...I see Nicky crying as my mom is shot...I see you falling to the ground after our fight. I see every single horrible thing I have ever done and I can't take it anymore!" Tears fall down her cheeks. "I just can't keep doing this Hayato."
As Gokudera watches Phoenix cry he feels his heart break, the sight of her in pain was too much for him so he quickly wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her towards him, using his chest to support her head. He feels her tense up and almost lets go but then she relaxes.
"If you want to cry then cry. It's okay. But don't you dare think you can't do this. You still need to live on. And you will. It'll just take time. So for now, just cry and let it all out. It's not easy being human, but then again who said it was?"
"Reaper told you that these memories would break me, and he's right. I can't take it, I can't take the weight of all the lives I've taken. I...I just can't do this anymore! I can't pretend that it doesn't affect me that I can just look past it all and keep going because I can't. You know how many people I've killed? 352. I call Reaper a psychopath but what if it's really me? What if I'm the psychopath?
"God, shut up! You're annoying, you know that? I told you, you're strong. And for fuck's sake, you're not as psychopath. It was your job. I've killed just as many, maybe even more. But not because I wanted to, like Reaper does. It was because it was my job. Get that through your thick skull, damn it!"
"But I did want to! I love what I do! I love working with the human mind, finding out what makes people tick. Finding out what they care about. And the job gave me an excuse to do that! At first I cared and I was hesitant about killing someone but now it's just a matter of how long it takes me to break someone! I can't justify what I've don't by saying it was the job or it was the right thing to do because that's not why I did it! Out of the 352 people 294 of them I killed in the most horrible and painful methods possible. I know what I've done and I can't take the weight of those lives anymore Hayato."
"Then what the fuck do you want me to do? Okay I get that you're still hung over from your past but what do you want? Do you want to repent in some way? Do you want me to just accept that you're apparently a "psychopath" or some shit? Because I won't. Live with it, Aydan. And if you can't, try working at a homeless shelter or some shit. I just cannot deal with this anymore. If you're so bent on hurting yourself over something like that, then I'll just be worrying foreve-forget it."
Gokudera gets up and limps back over to the bed, dropping down on it and doing his best not to look at the girl sitting by the wall.
"THIS IS MY REPENTANCE, HAYATO! Giving myself up to Reaper, allowing myself to be tortured. This was meant to make up for everything I have done! All I can do to make up for what I've done with my life is to suffer the worst pain possible for a few years and then die, because nothing else would even compare to the suffering my victims went through!" Phoenix sits against the wall panting. "...Or maybe I should just kill myself. I bet if I rushed at a guard they'd shoot me...or I could just pick pockets until I found a weapon." The girl stands and walks over to where she left the antiseptic. "Maybe if I down this I'll die."
Gokudera quickly turns to look at Phoenix and when he sees the bottle in her hand he jumps off the bed.
"DON'T!" Pain racks his body, but he ignores it and concentrates on keeping Phoenix pinned to the ground. "Don't you fucking DARE do that!"
The silver-haired teen looks into Phoenix's blue crystal-like eyes, thinking not for the first time what a nice color they were.
"Hayato, get off me. I'm going to die anyway so can I please just choose the manner." Phoenix's blue eyes drift past Gokudera and stare up at the ceiling. "I always thought a broken neck sounded like an interesting way to die. And if you keep jumping around like that you are going to hurt yourself...again."
"I don't give a fuck! Stop it, just stop it damn it! I...You can't...I don't want..." As Gokudera looks down into Phoenix's eyes a grunt leaves his mouth. "Fuck it!"
His head darts down and his lips meet hers, the only thought in his head was how soft her lips felt against his. Phoenix had frozen in surprise but she quickly recovered and pushed Gokudera off of her, standing and crossing the room while wrapping her arms around herself.
"What...what was that?"
"I...I don't know what came over me. You just..." Gokudera sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "You're just so fucking frustrating, I didn't think there was any other way. I mean, I didn't think about it. My body just sorta...GAH! I don't know!"
Gokudera ruffles his hair in frustration as Phoenix stares at him thoughtfully.
"Hayato I..." Phoenix looks down, a million thoughts running through her head. "I...I don't know."
Before Phoenix could say more the door unlocked and Reaper walked in, smiling in his malicious way.
"I am happy to see you two are getting along."
Phoenix refuses to look at her friend but picks up the now empty antiseptic bottle and throws it at Reaper, smiling slightly when it hits his head.
"Tch. What does he want?" The pale girl crosses the room and stands next to Gokudera, glaring at Reaper the whole time.
"He wants to taunt up, kill us, torture us, or show us where we will be staying while in hell."
Reaper spreads his arms and smiles.
"Well my little birdy guessed the last one correctly."
A low growl comes from Phoenix's throat, surprising Gokudera.
"Don't call me that."
Gokudera sees that Phoenix is mad at Reaper and that his presence is only making her more angry so her attempts to get up and punch Reaper but pain shoots up his leg, causing him to stumble. Phoenix grabs onto his arm, keeping him up right.
"F-Fuck. Go away, Reaper!"
"But young Hayato, I've come to take you to your apartments. You don't want to stay in the medical ward do you? Why, even our little birdy doesn't want to stay here."
Phoenix lets go of Gokudera's arm and rushes towards Reaper, punching him in the gut when she gets close enough.
"Don't call me that, Reaper!"
Gokudera spits at the older man, smirking to himself due to what Phoenix had done.
"Or you can just come quietly." Reaper twists Phoenix's wrist behind her and places a knife to her throat. "And if you don't I start torturing her right here, right now." Phoenix struggles to get out of Reaper's hold but stops once the knife is pressed tighter against her throat. "What do you say Hayato?"
Gokudera grinds his teeth but seeing Phoenix in danger forces him to calm down. As a small trickle of blood falls down Phoenix's neck Gokudera gives in.
"Fine. Just don't hurt her or so help me God I'll fucking castrate you!"
Reaper smirks at Gokudera's threat and pushes Phoenix at him. She stumbles and almost falls but Gokudera manages to catch her in time.
"Now that's a good little experiment. Follow me."
Reaper leaves the room and two armed guards enter and grab Gokudera and Phoenix by the arms.