"Your...rules? What do you mean, exactly?"
Phoenix looks away from Gokudera, her jaw set.
"Nothing."
Gokudera puts his index finger and thumb under her chin and forces Phoenix to look at him.
"Tell me, Aydan. What did you mean by your rules?"
"Nothing!" She looks down and mumbles. "At least that's what I keep telling myself."
"Damn it, you know you can tell me! I won't think any differently of you." Gokudera looks into Phoenix's bright blue eyes and his expression softens. "I thought we went over this already."
"I...uh..." The pale girl clears her throat. "This isn't...um..." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "This isn't Reaper's torture house...it's mine."
Silence hangs between them for a second.
"W-What? I don't...I don't understand." Gokudera moves back from Phoenix a bit. "What do you mean?"
Phoenix keeps her eyes close and looks up.
"This torture house belonged to me before I left the family." Phoenix takes a deep breath and looks at Gokudera, her clear blue eyes filled with shame. "I wasn't just a hitman, Hayato. Reaper and I had the same job..."
The teen smoker expression becomes unreadable as he process the information.
"W-Why? I mean...how could you...? So this is what you meant when you said you couldn't deal with your past."
"Now do you see why I did drugs? Why I drink myself into a coma almost every night?" Phoenix bares her wrist, and Gokudera looks away from the scars there. "Why I cut!" She slips off the couch and crosses the room, turning away from him while wrapping her arms around herself and says in a quiet voice. "Why I wish I were dead..."
Gokudera slowly gets up off the couch and follows after Phoenix, wrapping his arms around her waist once he reaches her.
"I'm sorry. I never knew."
The silver-haired teen reaches around Phoenix's head and kisses her cheek. Phoenix pulls his arms off of her and steps away, turning to face Gokudera.
"You shouldn't be sorry! You should hate me! You should want nothing to do with me! Hell I want nothing to do with me!"
She walks over to the balcony door and throws it open before stepping out into the cool fall air. Gokudera sighs and follows her out on the balcony.
"It's not like you chose to do it. I mean...it's something you were raised to do, right? You didn't know any better. Especially with you separating yourself from your emotions. You haven't done anything to me personally to make me hate you. Even if you want nothing to do with yourself, I do."
"I don't understand you! You should hate me! I tortured hundreds of people, physically and mentally! I used the cruelest methods to get what I wanted! Most people would hate me! Would tell me to throw myself off a bridge! But not you. And I don't get it!" Phoenix sighs and covers her eyes while looking down. "Sometimes I think it would be better if I did jump off a bridge, at least then I wouldn't have to live with this weight anymore."
Gokudera grabs on to Phoenix's shoulders and shakes her a bit as Phoenix contemplates suicide.
"Listen to me! I told you that I didn't care about your past and I still don't! Get that through your thick skull! I was born into the Mafia world so I've seen and experienced just about anything you can imagine. I've done things just about anyone could hold against me. If I did the same to you, I'd be a fucking hypocrite! And quite honestly, I don't give a fuck what you did before. Who you are now is the only thing that matters to me." His hands tighten a bit so they bite painfully into her arms. "Do you understand that now?"
As the younger teen's grip tightens Phoenix's old instincts kick in and she resists the urge to flinch but sets her jaw instead.
"Hayato. Let. Me. Go. Now!"
"No! Not until I get it through that stupid head of yours that I'd love you no matter what! Call me stupid of a fucktard, but I'm serious. I love you. No matter what you used to be or do."
"Idiot! As far as you know I could still be working with Reaper! How the hell do you know that I ever truly switched sides! I've done that before you know, convinced someone I'd switched sides and then I killed him! Now. Let me go!"
Gokudera suddenly lets go and Phoenix bites her cheek as the blood rushes into her arms. The silver-haired teen takes a step back, with a hurt expression on his face. And expression that cuts Phoenix to the core, but she doesn't allow it to show.
"You...You wouldn't."
"I don't know what I would do...and neither do you." Phoenix looks down sadly and Gokudera feels his eyes tearing up a bit in surprise, anger and other emotional pains. He shakes his head and laughs bitterly.
"You're right. I don't. I don't even know you that well. You're just some girl I met a few months ago. I don't know what you'd do."
Gokudera starts to walk back into the apartment but turns at the last second. He finds Phoenix staring at him with no emotion on her face, not a single hint of her wanting him to stay. He nods slightly and turns around, walking through her apartment and into his own. Phoenix watches him go, a dejected look gracing her face, as she sees him leave her apartment she turns, picks up a flower pot and throws it off the balcony with all her strength.
"DAMN IT! DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING HELL!" Phoenix leans back against the wall and slides to floor. "I'm sorry, Hayato...I had to do it."
Gokudera hears the pot crash and Phoenix's yelling and he feels the urge to go to her but doesn't. He enters his apartment and closes the door before dropping onto the bed, his head falling into his hands with a sigh.
"I don't fucking understand what the hell is going on anymore. I trusted her so much. More so than I ever have in a long time." Gokudera lights up a cigarette. "And now here she is telling me that I don't even fucking know her. Tch." He takes a long drag of smoke and runs a hand through his hair before falling back on the bed. "I don't even get where my feelings belong anymore..."
As Gokudera lays there, he hears the sounds of Phoenix come back into her apartment and begin to clean up the mess she made while in withdrawal. There's a large crash and Phoenix cries out in pain.
"Fucking God damn it! Screw this bull shit!"
Gokudera hears breaking glass, the slam of a door and more breaking glass and is tempted to go check on Phoenix.
"Shit! Stop it, Hayato. Just stop it!" He slaps himself. "You need to figure this out. Do you want to trust her or not?" Gokudera takes another drag and breaths out the smoke slowly. "Damn it! Why did she have to fucking do this!"