Chapter 12

House didn't sleep well that night; sudden flashes came through and haunted his mind, woke him up and let him breathless, in sweat. And his leg hurt too. He knew he could soon go back home, but he also knew there was no one there waiting for him. And this scared him to death. His wife, he didn't even remember her name, didn't live with him, Wilson told him he married her for bad reasons, for a green card… But House could feel that Wilson didn't tell him the whole truth, maybe to protect him, to avoid him more pain and more weariness about himself, about his miserable life. And suddenly, he remembered everything: his drug addiction, his pain, his fear of losing the happiness he felt when he was with Cuddy, his fear of losing her, of losing the only woman able to care about him, to love him for who he was… And the only way he behaved each time he felt the urgent need to protect him from more pain, from the others, was to push them away by being cynical, by acting like an ass. It was the only way for him to "control" his pain, if he decided when to push people away, he could anticipate the pain, avoid a deep, unbearable pain. Being alone was the price he had to pay to avoid pain and not to feel too much miserable and fragile. His "cold" side, his "jerk" side, that was just a wall against fear of pain, of losing what people called happiness. Because if he never tasted happiness, he would never be unhappy, right? It was just logical. Yeah, logical, he said loud without being aware of it.

-What's logical? A woman's voice replied from the threshold.

-I… I didn't think there was someone up here in the middle of the night… except the nurses of course.

-I didn't think you were awake.

Silence. House tried to guess the expression on her face, but it was too dark. She remained on the threshold; she didn't seem to want to enter.

-Why don't you come in?

-Should I?

-Why did you come? I thought you…

-Shut up, House!

-My leg hurt, can you give me something? I can't sleep.

-Take this, she said, neared his bed and gave him a pill.

-Thanks. House swallowed it without looking at it. Cuddy was a little surprised, but preferred to say nothing. After a few minutes, House broke the silence.

-Why are you here?

-I don't know… I couldn't sleep and Rachel is with my mom, so…

-You can sit down and rest if you want. Or you can talk to me, more exactly listen to me, he added staring at her, trying to guess what she was thinking at this time. She held his gaze and his throat tightened, his heart beat faster. He had to tell her, he wanted to tell her, but…she cut him off.

-I'd like to apologize to you.

-Why?

-Because earlier in the evening you needed me and I went away.

-Oh, you know, I … I wasn't very nice to you, I think I …

-That's for sure, but… if I can help you to recover your memory…

-I'm not sure I want it

-What?

-I just say that I was an ass, a misanthropic person, alone, sad, miserable, unable to take the risk of happiness because of fear of losing it… Who'd like to be that man? I ask you!

Cuddy didn't know what to say. She stared at House, wondering if he was getting worse or better, trying to guess what he wanted to mean by saying that.

-I want to change. And this amnesia is an opportunity to change. I forgot my past, I can try to be a better man, a better friend, a …

-A…?

-Forget it. All I want to say is that I don't want to be the man I was. I'd like to be different. He looks at her straight in the eyes, waiting for her to answer, to give him her approbation, but she remained silent. Do you think I can do it? Do you think I can fix myself?

-I don't know. Her eyes became wet, her heart beat faster and a pain crossed her chest. The memories of this crazy night came suddenly to her mind, she remembered the taste of his lips on hers, the warmth of his hand, the fear she had felt when she had told him that she loved him and then the huge relief when he stood up and kissed her… I hope you can find what you need. It was the only words that came out of her mouth.

-Yeah, he whispers. Then he looks at her, she was so beautiful and she looked suddenly so sad… the only thing he wanted at this time was to take her in his arms to comfort her. But he remained still. Maybe you should go now, you seem exhausted. We can talk tomorrow.

-Ok. See ya tomorrow, she replied and left.

House followed her silhouette, he couldn't tell her. You're a coward, House! And a jerk! he told himself. How could you expect to change, to be a better man, to start a new life if you lie to the woman you love! It's just insane! He spent the rest of the night thinking about what he told Cuddy this night, about his will to change. Was he fooling himself? Or was he really ready to do something?

The next day, when Cuddy entered her office, she found a beautiful bunch of flowers on her desk. There was a card: "One of your patients feels angry, nobody takes care of him and he suffers. The food is bad and the nurses are not nice enough. Hope you can do something for him" Cuddy couldn't help smiling. She was about to go to him when her assistant came in to inform her that Mr. and Mrs. Monroe were here. Damn it! Well House will have to wait, the hospital needs money and these persons are generous benefactors. "Let them in", she said.

Meanwhile, House's doctor told him that his arm was ok, that they'd remove his cast and that he could start his physical therapy.

-And what about my leg?

-Well, I think we have to wait a few more days. House nodded but said nothing. The only positive sign for his leg was the pain he felt, that meant that the nerves were still functional, that it was still alive. House was doing his first physical therapy session for his arm when Chase came with a new case.

-Hi! Seems that you're gonna be fit soon.

-Yeah. Do you have anything for me?

-Yes, a new case. But I can come later…

-It's ok, I listen to you.

-Ok, so, 22 years old man, loss of consciousness in the street, seizure, fever.

-Which diagnosis did you make?

-Nope at this time, we're running the usual tests.

-So why did you come?

-I thought you'd like to know.

-Come back when you get new information.

House was talking about his new case with his team when Cuddy came to see him.

-Oh, I see that our patient is already at work, that's a good thing for the hospital.

-Thanks for caring about me, House replied grinning.

-Well, you know, one of the best points of this hospital is its diagnostic department with the brilliant ass who runs it. So if we can have a genius amnesic, but nice doctor to run it, it's better, don't you think so?

-Ok guys, it's time for you to go, I need to talk to the boss, he said staring at her. Go! What are you waiting for? I've just told you that you could go home! His fellows looked at him, but didn't insist, too happy to have a long evening. House waited for them to leave him alone with Cuddy. I've hoped you would have come earlier.

-I was busy.

-Doing what?

-Running a hospital.

They stared at each other. Cuddy neared his bed and sat down, caressed his right arm softly and said: How do you feel?

-Are you really concerned?

-House!

-Sorry. I didn't want to mean…

-I know, she cut him off. Are you gonna answer me?

-My arm hurts a little but it should be soon ok. House looked at his leg and Cuddy felt sorry for him.

-And your leg?

-It hurts too. A few minutes passed, and then House asked: Can you do something for me?

-Yes, of course, if I can.

-Can you touch my foot, I just wanna know if it's still sensitive.

Cuddy nodded, stood up and began to rub his foot gently first, then a little more sensually. A smile appeared on her lips and her eyes began to sparkle. House couldn't help staring at her, it was as if he was hypnotized. A wave of happiness overwhelmed him. He could feel Cuddy's hand on his foot, her sweet skin. A bright smile came on his face.

-I can feel you!

-Great! So I guess I should go now, she replied smiling, her eyes sparkling.

-No, please, don't… I … I'm not sure; I need you to do it again, maybe a little more …

-Shut up House, she cut him off amused. You're gonna say something stupid.

-Oh, I didn't think you were the kind of woman to be offended by the word "slowly", but…, he replied jokingly.

-House!

-Good night, Cuddy…

-Good night, House.

A few hours later, Cuddy was lying in her bed when she received the following SMS: "What are you wearing?" After a few seconds, she sent this SMS back: "A light black sexy nightgown"

-"Anything else?"

-"A sexy thong"

-"Evil woman"

-"Sleep well, sexy boy"

-"How can you expect that I can sleep now that you told me that!"

-"Just imagine and dream ; )"

-"Aww"