Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Star Trek or Harry Potter. They belong to J.J Abrams, Gene Roddenberry and J.K Rowling.

Warnings: Slash (male/male pairings), threesome, AU, violence, language, MAJOR ANGST, character deaths, some blood, psychological/anxiety disorders, sexual situations, etc.

Pairings: Spock/Harry/Kirk, hints of Sulu/Chekov and Scotty/Uhura

59. Breakdown

Jim stood nervously outside the observation deck where the computer told him Harry was residing in. It had been two hours since they had gotten back on the Enterprise and finally Spock's operation was over, a complete success. McCoy had told him personally that the Vulcan was going to live and that he was currently in a healing trance, muttering about how he was harder to kill than a roach. But Jim didn't care, he couldn't describe the relief that he felt knowing his love, his T'hy'la was going to be okay.

But with the thoughts of Spock came the thoughts of Harry and what had happened. When the anger and the fear had faded, Jim began to feel the needles of guilt. He wasn't perfect, even he could lose his cool sometimes and unable to handle the anxiety of their situation, he had taken it out on Harry. After all, magic defied science and could make anything happen. Harry could have gotten them out of there if he wanted to, but Jim knew better.

First there was the situation of exposing himself to the landing party since out of all of them only he and Spock knew about their resident wizard. Then there was the fact that Harry had explained in passing at one point about how during one of their previous missions during a peace delegation, the planet they had been on had affected his magic making it difficult to use and control. It didn't take a genius to figure out what had happened during their captivity if Harry hadn't popped them out of there when they began the torturing, secrecy be damned. Their luck had been downright shitty if they managed to get captured by hostile aliens on a planet that negated Harry's magic.

Yet Jim had blamed Harry, taken his frustrations out of his partner because he was angry and scared and guilty; because he needed to blame someone and the wizard had been the perfect target. But as the adrenaline and emotions faded, Jim began to realize just how much mental damage he dealt out to Harry. The young doctor had been his friend for nearly two years now and Jim knew how he thought, how he ticked.

Even before uncovering his past, the blond had immediately noticed that Harry tended to take the blame for situations that involved him somehow; usually with patients he couldn't help or save. McCoy had noticed as well and had tried for months to make his colleague realize that it wasn't ever his fault, but habits were hard to break. Combine that with Harry's PTSD and it was a recipe for a fucked up mind. And Jim knew without a doubt that his words and actions had not made the situation any better.

Taking a deep breath, Jim punched in the override code for the deck and walked inside when the doors opened. As he expected, Harry stood there staring out one of the large windows just watching the stars as if they had all the answers he sought. It was quiet between them as they stood there, the young doctor's back to him as Jim tried to find the words to say to somehow mend the rift between them.

"My mind is blank and I can't think of what to say. I mean I know that actions speak louder than words, but words are all I have right now," he thought nibbling on his bottom lip nervously. Sometimes he wished life had a manual, certainly would lessen his chances of screwing up at every turn.

Quickly growing tired of the silence, Jim took the plunge as he began to speak softly hoping to convey his emotions through his voice, "I'm sorry Harry. I… I shouldn't have blamed you for what happened. It wasn't your fault. I was just… I was scared; for Spock, for you, for the crew. I was angry over Robbins' death and my emotions were out of control, so I just lashed out. It wasn't fair to you and in no way was I right in my actions or words. You hold no blame, none of this was your fault. I'm sorry Harry, please forgive me for the wrong I've done you."

There was quiet and Jim felt like he heard the echoes of his words reverberating around him, mocking him and trying to break down his resolve. Harry shifted slightly but still didn't move to face him. Rather, his voice which was soft and hollow whispered, "Don't apologize… there's no need to. You can't apologize when you were only speaking the truth."

Jim frowned, "What truth?"

"That it's my fault… Spock was hurt and Robbins killed because of me. I was too weak to protect them, to save them… just like everyone else," Harry murmured, "Everyone I love or cares for dies because of me."

"That's not true," Jim protested stepping closer, "That's not true Harry!"

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't! There's no way you could have done anything to save them! You told me before that your magic gets weird on some planets and that's what happened! You can't control everything, it's not your responsibility!"

"It is! It is! It is!" Harry voiced louder. Jim lashed forward grabbing his shoulders, "It's not! None of this is your fault so stop blaming yourself!"

"Shut up!" Harry shouted knocking his hands away and whirling around gripping the front of his captain's golden tunic. For the first time Jim saw dull green eyes full of tears; eyes broken and full of emotion, of anger and helplessness and guilt. And it was the most painful thing Jim had ever witnessed, to see someone he cared for… someone he loved to be filled with such excruciating emotions and he couldn't do anything to help. Harry always acted so happy most of the time, but it was times like these that reminded Jim just how much the other had suffered and how haunted he was.

"You don't know anything! Everyone I know has died because of me! My parents, Sirius, Cedric, Charlie, Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville, Dumbledore, the Weasleys, all of them! Everyone I ever loved died because of me! My parents died protecting me! Cedric died because Voldemort was after me! Sirius died because I made a stupid mistake and he paid for it! My lover Charlie died because he loved me, because he meant something to me! My best friends and the people I considered family, all dead! Because of me! Because of some stupid prophesy that cursed me from the day I was born! If I had never been born none of this would have happened! They would all still be alive, still be happy and safe! I should have never been born! If I hadn't… If I hadn't…," Harry sobbed helplessly, "They'd all still be alive. It's my fault… it's because of me… I killed them. And now Robbins is dead, those aliens are dead and Spock is hurt because I was weak… no matter what I do I'm still always weak and I hate it! I hate it Jim, I hate it so much."

Jim felt his eyes water as he watched Harry break down falling to his knees in grief, letting out the rush of his emotions and painful memories that haunted his every waking step. He could understand in some sense what Harry felt, he had lived through Tarsus IV after all. He remembered being cold and hungry, having to care for a band of kids that lost hope with every day that passed. Kids with hollow eyes and frail skin that stretched too tightly across their bones, their dirty faces reflecting nightmares and ghosts as they wasted away.

But while Jim had loved them, he didn't think he loved them as much as Harry had loved his friends. After all they had been with Harry for years while he only knew his kids for a little while. Didn't mean he didn't care for them, but not with the same depth that Harry had cared for his family. And to see them all die, knowing that he was the center of the conflict, must have scarred him in ways that would probably never be healed.

Hell it was a miracle that Harry had let so many people close to him now, especially him and Spock. But he wondered if that would last now considering what had happened and what had been said. Jim didn't want to lost Spock or Harry, both meant more to him than anyone else had. They cared about him more than his mother or brother ever did; he knew they would always be there for him, to have his back and support him when he was weak. And if he didn't have that, Jim wasn't sure he would be able to make it on his own again, he wasn't who he had been before.

Being a captain, having his own crew, having Bones, Teddy, Spock and Harry had changed him in a lot of ways, made him a better person. Jim felt confident that when he died one day, he would be the type of man his father would have been proud of. Losing Spock and Harry scared Jim, because he didn't want to go back to how he was before in the darkness when he was lost and without light. But right now it was about Harry and it seemed like his little wizard was just as scared as him, just as scarred and helpless to his past; chained to the darkness that would disturb him till he died.

"Harry," Jim murmured.

"Don't leave me, please… Don't leave me! I don't want to be alone again," Harry whispered as he curled into himself, clutching his hair. Jim felt his heart break at the small, fragile man that rested at his feet acting as if his world was crumbling apart from underneath him. Kneeling down and gathering him in his arms the blond hushed him quietly, "I'm not going to leave you alone Harry, never! Spock and I… we love you. We love you so much it hurts to think about our lives without you. Please believe me, neither of us want to part from you, not even when we're dead and gone."

"Don't leave me," the young doctor continued to chant clinging tighter to the blond.

"Never babe, I'll never leave you alone. I love you Hadrian Black and I'm not leaving you," Jim promised tilting Harry's tear stained face to meet his, "I'm not going to leave you. I promise, we'll get through this and Spock will be okay. We'll keep him with us forever okay?"

He kissed his forehead then tenderly licked and pecked his tears away pulling the smaller male closer. Finally he kissed him softly, conveying his devotion to Harry and the strength of his promise. Neither of them were perfect and they had both been torn by life's thorns, but they found each other through the haze of blood and pain. And Jim would never let Harry go, never let Spock go as long as he was still alive and breathing.

Double update since the last one was short and I've been kinda dead. Lots of Harry angst here, but he won't be like that forever. And did any of you notice the use of the L word? Felt it was appropriate circumstance to express love and technically they have been together for a while now. Just wondered if anyone noticed. Anyway, reviews are appreciated! Thanks!

~Seth