Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Star Trek or Harry Potter. They belong to J.J Abrams, Gene Roddenberry and J.K Rowling.

Warnings: Slash (male/male pairings), threesome, AU, violence, language, angst, character deaths, psychological/anxiety disorders, sexual situations, etc.

Pairings: Spock/Harry/Kirk, hints of Sulu/Chekov and Scotty/Uhura

60. Forgiveness

It was late in the evening or what the clock depicted as evening considering the Enterprise was floating in space with no sun to manage time by. Yet hardly anyone was awake accept for the skeleton crew which was fine with Harry. He didn't need anyone to disturb him especially now as he sat next to Spock's bed watching the half-Vulcan slumber away still in his healing trance. It had been two days and while signs showed that he was recovering, he still had yet to wake.

Every nerve in Harry screamed to reach out and touch Spock, to ensure that he was physically there and not an illusion conjured by his mind in order to cope with his guilt. But he didn't, especially not when Spock was still healing. He was unsure of how his volatile emotions could affect his companion's current condition and didn't want to risk hindering him in some way.

Despite the cleansing of his emotional breakdown, despite Jim's reassurance and the comfort of his presence over the last few days Harry was still scared. A part of him, the part that had been nurtured by the cruelty of the Dursleys believed that he would be alone; that Spock would not forgive him and would leave him with Jim following. After all they were T'hy'la, bond mates for life and Harry was merely a third party. They would realize how much of a burden he was, a killer with blood on his hands.

The darker part of him that whispered in a hiss that sounded much like Voldemort mocked him, told him he was evil, dirty, unworthy of life or the light. That he was meant to be alone, burdened by his sins and the darkness that tainted his soul. Sometimes Harry wondered whether the voice was just something in his mind or if perhaps, he thought fearfully, that somehow Tom Riddle was still a part of him in some small way. The thought always froze his insides. But it would certainly explain his condition; he was broken and damaged in so many ways, twisted.

"Merlin please help me," Harry whispered bowing his head as he cradled it between his hands, feeling his eyes burn in the telltale sign of tears. He had been crying a lot the last few days, perhaps almost as much as he had after the war. But it hurt and he was scared, terrified of being alone; Jim helped him, he was a god send and he loved the blond for it. Yet Harry still remembered, still regretted and blamed himself; he was having nightmares again and he could only cling helplessly to Jim as his past ravished his mind and heart.

"This is so pathetic.. why am I so pathetic?" he wondered trying to breathe when he just wanted to break down again.

A sudden shift alerted the wizard as he looked up swiftly, bottle green eyes watery with stinging tears. He waited, breath held as he watched Spock's fingers twitch and then suddenly warm coffee brown eyes opened to gaze upon the ceiling. There was a moment of adjustment before he turned his head to gaze upon Harry, those same eyes widening ever so slightly at the disheveled and worn state of the young doctor. There was concern and distress within those eyes which just added to Harry's guilt.

"Spock," he whimpered unable to help himself, just relieved to know that the half-Vulcan was alive, was safe and awake.

"What distresses you Harry? Why do you weep?" Spock questioned.

"I.. I'm so sorry Spock," Harry hiccupped unsuccessfully trying to contain himself, "I-It's my fault! If I had t-tried harder… I should have… I could have… forgive me Spock! Please, I tried so hard! T-They hurt you and Sulu and Vigil and they killed R-Robbins and I couldn't s-save him! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

God Harry felt pathetic, so weak and useless as he blubbered like a child. But he was feeble against his emotions and he wanted Spock to know, to understand that he had truly tried to help. The small hopeful part of him wished for his forgiveness, craved it even though he didn't believe he deserved it. But he had to speak, had to let the words out and give them life for they had been trapped within him for days now waiting for the opportune moment to make themselves known.

"Harry," Spock's voice called to him drawing his attention to the other, "There is no need for you to beg for forgiveness for you were not at fault. There is nothing for me to forgive."

"But it was my fault! If I had tried harder to access my magic you wouldn't have been hurt! Robbins wouldn't have died and I wouldn't have lost control, I wouldn't have killed all those people!" Harry protested wondering if he was becoming hysterical. Why couldn't Jim and Spock see that he was at fault? That none of this would have happened if he had been able to get them out of there, at least apparated them to a safer place secrecy be damned?

A firm hand gripped his chin forcing him to gaze into Spock's eyes. The Vulcan had managed to sit up in bed while Harry was distracted and his features were serious, stern. He resisted the urge to flinch and Spock's eyes softened. He spoke kindly, "It is illogical for you to feel responsibility for our unfortunate situation. You stated that you could not access your magic and I recall that you once commented that certain planets seem to act as a suppressant to your abilities. Therefore I can only conclude that we had been on such a planet which rendered you as helpless as the rest of the landing party."

Harry tried to look away, his heart aching with dread as he realized that he was going to lose Spock. But the Vulcan would not allow it, keeping a steady hold on his face. He continued, "I have always felt that for a human you were logical Harry, but your current thoughts and emotions are clouding your judgment. You are not responsible for Lt. Robbins regrettable death nor for my injuries. I fought to protect you and Jim, to protect you from your violation and I hold no regrets."

"Spock," Harry whispered.

"I care for you deeply Harry just as I do for Jim, never doubt that. You and Jim are mine… my T'hy'la and I will never allow another to harm you if I am able to prevent it," Spock confessed, "I love thee Harry and I will cherish thee until the end of our days."

Biting his lip Harry found himself burying his face in Spock's chest and hugging the Vulcan tightly, feeling his slightly cooler flesh and the steady heartbeat. Spock didn't seem to mind as he held him close, stroking his downy hair and murmuring softly to him in Vulcan, attempting to sooth him. Harry choked out through his tears, "I love you Spock… you and Jim… I love you so bloody much it hurts and I don't want to lose you. I couldn't… I'd die if I did. I can't lose another person I love… it would kill me!"

"Hush K'diwa, I am here. I love thee and I will never leave thee," Spock reassured nose running over his hair and forehead along with his lips. Harry cried, cried until he had no more tears and then he curled against Spock's chest as they rested upon the bio bed listening to each other breathe. They remained like that until the small wizard fell asleep and Spock was content to watch him rest keeping the nightmares at bay. They were safe, this was true, but Spock knew that their capture had opened wounds and scarred them all in some way. He could only hope that things would become better with time.

Vulcan Translations

K'diwa: beloved

Review please! Thanks!

~Seth