The Heroes Parody Project
Season 5
Chapter 5
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright its creator, Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, know or represent any of the cast or crew. This fan fiction is written purely for entertainment purposes only so please don't sue. Reader Discretion is advised.
Previously…on American Herror Story
Claire: That's not even a word! Is that supposed to be "Horror"?!
Local middle class family, The Bennets, move into a totally non spooky mansion where people are NOT killed and whatnot.
Noah: Why is THAT on the pamphlet!?
Sandra: Oh, Noah! I just love this house. Check out the stitching on that human skin rug!
Noah: YUCK!
Claire: I'm a moody teenager! BAH!
Claire runs up the stairway of lost souls.
Claire: Oh whatever!
Claire makes it to her bedroom where she finds West; covered in plastic bags.
Claire: What are you supposed to be?
West: I'm Ziploc Bag Man. I'm here trying to scare people away, but you are different. With our love being yellow and blue….together it can be green…and sealed!
Claire: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
West: Come with me!
Claire: Okay!
West and Claire hop on a nearby human skin rug.
Claire: Ew…yuck.
The human skin rug takes off through the window into the air.
West (singing): I can show you the world….
Claire: Hey, I can see the Disney Lawyers driving to the studio from up here!
Noah (walking into the kitchen with Angela): Who are you again?
Angela: I'm…Angela! I used to live here so don't screw anything up. You will enjoy your time here….or DIE TRYING! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Noah: Hmm.
She starts to leave but turns back to Noah.
Angela (wiggling her fingers in his face): OOOOOOHH!
Noah: Stop that! (he smacks her hands away).
Matt and Mohinder are in French Maid outfits.
Mohinder: Because….?
Matt: It's simple. You are the Maid and you're supposed to be old and unappealing.
Mohinder: Oh, allright then…
Matt: But thanks to Scare Magic, you'll transform into the hot, younger version of the maid, played by yours truly.
Mohinder: That doesn't make any sense! You're 8 years older than me!
Matt: Scare Magic. Quick someone's coming! Act old and unappealing!
Matt runs off as Mohinder starts dusting the dishes.
Mohinder: I sure do love working.
Angela: And this is the kitchen. I know this is your house and all but DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!
They turn their attention away from the kitchen. Matt runs up and crushes a vase over Mohinder's head.
Matt: Man, it sure is tiring being the hot maid and everything. Oops! I dropped my feather duster!
Matt bends over.
RRIIIIPPP!
Matt: My bloomers!
Nathan (off to the side as Peter films): Peter, what the hell is this?!
Peter: American Horror…er…Herror Story! Just into time for Halloween…
Nathan: Halloween's been over for a while, Pete.
Peter: Hmm. Oh well, good thing this is an Anthology Series.
Previously on American Thanksgiving Story.
Nathan: Uh…Pete…
Angela makes her way through the halls of Turkey Lurkey Memorial, home of the criminally insane.
Angela: I play a different character! Sister Sylar Agnes, is the patient ready?
Sylar: Why am I dressed up like a nun!? I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed to be my character! Oh god, this suit is so hot! I feel an oven roasted penguin!
Angela: Don't be ridiculous, my child. Now hurry, you have to get out there and SING!
Sylar joins the rest of the nuns as they start their performance.
Nathan: Peter, if I'm not mistaken this looks an awful lot like Sister Act.
Peter: I know, right?! Preach, sister!
Nathan: Have the writers even SEEN this show?! Besides, this couldn't have LESS to do with Thanksgiving.
Peter: They're singing into "Turkey Leg" microphones…what more do you want?!
Nathan: Can we just get back to our show?
Peter: Hold on, this season might be a bust….good thing this is an anthology series.
Nathan: I'm afraid to see what's next.
Previously on American Christmas Story.
Peter runs up to his mother.
Petey: But mom! I really want an official Red Ryder, carbine action two hundred shot range model magic wand!
Angela (head of The Witch School of Witchery): No! You'll shoot your eye out! Now run along, I have Witchy things to attend to.
Nathan: Uh, Peter? Who's filming this?...Pete?
Nathan looks outside to see Peter's tongue stuck to a frozen pole.
Nathan: ….
Angela: Okay, Witches! It's time for today's lesson, everybody grab your Leg Lamps!
Claire (wearing big glasses): Ow…oooh!
West: What's wrong, Harriet Potter?
Claire: My forehead scar is burning. I fear that he who shall not be named, Voldemort!...Has returned!
West: You…just said his name.
Claire: …DAMMIT!
Nathan: THAT'S IT! I'M SHUTTING THIS DOWN!
Nathan rips out the film from the camera. He throws the camera on the ground and starts stomping on it.
Nathan: Previously on Heroes!
Samuel Sullivan walks into his Carnival, he sees Angela there.
Samuel: What are you doing in my carnival?
Angela (Russian accent): The name is Angela Mars….and this….is my Freakshow!
Samuel: WHAT?!
A girl walks up.
Girl: My name is Cotton….my hair is made of Cotton Candy and I can grow it at will.
Angela: I love Cotton Candy! Hold on! (to Samuel) I have to go talk to the producers and see if we can get this girl promoted to Series Regular status!
Angela runs off.
Samuel: What the hell is going on here!?
Nathan: Well, I'm glad THAT's over. Um…Pete?
Pete: Yup!
Nathan: Quick question.
Peter: Sure!
Nathan: Why are you inside my shirt while I'm currently wearing it!?
Peter: We're conjoined twins, duh!
Nathan: Well, get out! You're stretching it!
Claire: Why am I listed as an "Extra" for the rest of the series and who the hell is "Cotton Candy Girl"?!
Nathan: Previously on Heroes….
Nathan collapses in his office after being poisoned by Tracy/Barbara.
Barbara (to Jessica and D.L): My funeral is coming up. I do hope you all will attend.
Jessica, Matt, Mohinder and D.L get blown back from their chairs as Barbara flies through the roof.
Mohinder: It's entirely possible that to cope with her sister's loss like with you and Jessica, Tracy may have become your twin sister, Barbara.
Niki: Well, that's not good.
Mohinder steps out and gets kidnapped by Edgar and Lydia.
Samuel Sullivan escapes The Company Prison.
Samuel (to Edgar and Lydia): Bring me the scientist…then bring me the girl.
Mohinder gets delivered to the carnival.
Lydia: How are we supposed to get Claire?
Edgar: Well, she works at the school now doesn't she?
Lydia: We become students and then kidnap her!
Edgar: That wasn't….the direction I was going.
Elle: We have to track down Samuel! Come on, Mr. B!
Noah: You can't bark orders at me! I'm YOUR boss!
Ted (to Sylar): I say we make some extra money by renting out the building.
Sylar: Interesting.
Peter: Tracy Strauss killed my brother!
Nathan: A) DUH! And B) I'M NOT DEAD!
Peter: Let's hit the road!
Angela (to Bob Bishop): Let's hit the road.
Bob: For what?
Angela: I'm on a very important mission, and only you can help me.
Benjamin (to Micah): You have to help us. You can rebuild Genesis Redux…or find someone to come back into the future with us? Do you know anybody with time powers?
Micah: Uh….
Hiro: Ando! We'll save you!
Hiro, Claire and Zach get thrown into Prison.
Hiro: And now we wait.
Claire: This crap wouldn't have happened to Cotton Candy Girl.
Claire, Hiro, and Zach
The Prison
If you can't do the time, then don't do the crime and try to seek better television job opportunities.
Hiro: No way! I went to the CW to apply for the Green Arrow position and somehow scored the lead role in "Jane, The Virgin". Not that I'm complaining…
This fall….on The CW. Television's newest heart warming drama. Hiro Nakamura is…Jane, The Virgin.
Hiro: Boys are so stupid! I'll never understand them. Gasp! There's Johnny Angel, the hottest boy in school!
Hiro walks up to his locker.
Hiro (twirling his hair): So Johnny, I was hoping you would ask me to the school dance.
Nathan (as Johnny) slams the locker shut.
Nathan: Why are we still doing this!? We have an actual show to do! I'm out of here.
He leaves.
Hiro: I will not be ignored, Johnny!
Hiro pulls out a knife.
This fall…on The CW. Television's newest heart racing thriller. Hiro Nakamura is….Jane, The Murderer!
Hiro: Fridays 8/7 central, check your local listings….FRIDAY!? Oh, come on! At least give me The Vampire Diaries as a lead in!
Claire: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU DONE!?
Hiro: …yes.
Claire: We have to find a way to get out of here. Oh, and the scene's already over. Well, that's just great.
Elle Bishop and Noah Bennet
Eye-Carly's Glasses Emporium
Get a free duel to the death with the purchase of your next Monocle.
Elle: If only I were a Cyclops. I hate my life!
Noah: Would you stop whining and tell me what you think of these?
Elle: Why didn't you just get some glasses at the LAST glasses store?
Noah: Uh…because you almost killed someone there?!
Elle: AND!?
Noah: We were perma-banned!
Elle: I want some glasses. Ooh! Star Trek ones! Rockin' the Geordi La Forge shades!
Noah: That's a hair band.
Elle: Ah. No wonder I couldn't see crap out of them. Can we go now?
Noah: Not until I find some horned rimmed glasses.
Elle: Dude, I don't think they make them anymore.
Noah: You're right. It's hopeless.
Noah puts on sunglasses with miniature blinds installed. He pulls a chain and closes them. Elle rips the glasses off.
Noah: AHH! I think you just ripped out my eyelashes!
Elle: Say, didn't you mention that your Grandmother made that magnifying glass of yours that I broke earlier? Can't she make you new glasses?
Noah: Yes….but I cannot go back to see her.
Elle: Why not?
Noah: It was 45 years ago…
Elle: Oh god, is this going to be boring?!
Noah: A little.
A long time ago. An 11 year old Noah Bennet runs into his Grandmother's kitchen.
Kid Noah: Grand Mama. Can we go to the toy store so I can get a toy?
Grandmother Bennet: NO!
Noah: …..
Elle: …..THAT'S IT?!
Noah: No! Let me finish!
Kid Noah: But I don't wanna get my eyes checked!
Grandmother Bennet: If you don't get your eyes checked you won't be able to see anything! Try on these glasses, I made them myself.
Kid Noah: They look goofy!
Elle: Wait, I thought Claire gave you those glasses.
Noah: They were still made by my grandmother. She's the only one in the world who knew how to do it. Stop interrupting. Anyway.
Grandmother Bennet: Open your glasses case, Noah.
Kid Noah (opens): GASP! It has a golden ticket inside!
Grandmother Bennet: You did it, Noah! You got the golden ticket to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory!
Noah: ELLE! Stop changing my story!
Elle: Sorry, continue.
Later, as a teenager, Noah wears his glasses to school. Someone throws a book at his head, knocking his glasses off. Noah's Laser beam emits from his eyes, burning through the school lockers.
Elle walks into the school.
Elle: We have to stop Magneto. I, the mighty Storm, will save us. Activate STORM POWER!
Elle pulls the fire alarm, setting off the sprinklers.
Noah: ELLE!
Elle (as Storm): Don't worry, I got this!
Elle runs over, pulling Noah's underwear over his head, shoving him into a nearby locker.
Elle: X-MEN!
Everyone starts to cheer.
Elle: Now I'm the most popular girl in school! I did it, Mama! I hope the hottest boy in school asks me out!
Nathan comes up and spins her around.
Nathan: Stormy Weathers, will you go out with me?
Elle: I will, Johnny! I thousand times "I will"!
Hiro runs up and stabs Nathan.
Elle: Johnny, NOOOOOO!
This Fall on The CW. Hiro Nakamura is….Jane, The Murderer.
Noah: Do we even HAVE a show anymore?
Angela Petrelli and Bob Bishop
In the middle of nowhere, Gas Station
Cheez-its, Take The Wheel!
Angela is walking down the aisles of the gas station looking for snacks. Bob approaches her.
Bob: You done?
Angela: You already gassed up the car?
Bob: No need! Not only is it MADE of gold but it runs on gold!
Angela: Okay…but what is going IN the tank?
Bob: It runs on gold, I said.
Angela: You can't shoot gold from your fingers, you have to actually turn something into gold.
Bob: I'm not following.
Angela: And I'm not arguing with you. Just buy me these snacks for the road so we can go.
Bob: I don't have any money.
Angela: Seriously?! You turn things to gold! You make money that way!
Bob: Fine, I'll see if he'll take some gold bricks in return.
Angela: Whatever gets us out of here.
They walk off as someone in the next aisle was overhearing their conversation. Later, Bob and Angela pull out of the gas station. The eavesdropping man hops in his car and follows them.
===HEROES===
Sylar and Ted Sprague
The Company
Takin' Care Of Business
Sylar walks into the main hall of the third floor. A group of people walk past him. Ted runs up to him.
Ted: Haha! The business is going great! We're making so much money renting out the lower floors of the building!
Sylar: Excellent! I can't believe we didn't think of this a long time ago!
Ted: We haven't been employed at The Company that long.
Sylar: It's just a saying.
Ted: Who says that?
Sylar: A ton of people say it! Who cares?
Ted: Name one person who says that.
Sylar: I don't know! Why are you making a big deal out of it?
Ted: It's just a weird saying
Sylar: I'm dropping this. So, what do we have left on the schedule today.
Ted looks at a clipboard.
Chapter Five "One Wedding And A Funeral"
Ted: We have a couple potential clients coming in. One wedding and a funeral, we'll be rolling in it if we can bag both of them.
Sylar: Cool! Let's bring in our next Client.
Ted: Allright….we are hosting the wedding of….Samson Gray and Alice Shaw.
Sylar: …..I think I'm going to be sick. Check, please.
Ted: What?
Sylar: It's another saying! Geez, have you been living under a rock or something?!
Back at the Prison.
Claire: HELLO?!...Hello?! Anybody there!? Are we the only ones imprisoned here? Must be a really safe place to live, or there's just a bunch of criminals running loose. I'm unsettled now.
Hiro walks back over to the cell bars. He motions for Ando in the next cell.
Hiro: Ando! How did you get caught?
Ando: I was trying to round up supplies for the new school, the Principal caught me and sent me in.
Hiro: He called the cops?
Ando: He gave me detention. I still have 200 hours to complete.
Hiro: I should have a follow up question to that but I'll move on. So…how did you get here?
Ando: I tried to escape detention.
Hiro: That's an arrest-able offense?! Man, kids these days have it rough.
Ando: You're telling me!
Hiro: Well, my plan to get us thrown in prison on purpose and have my dad bail us out has kinda gone kaput. Until we find a way out, how's Prison life?
Ando: Not as bad as I'd thought it would be. The lunch here is actually pretty amazing. The pool is huge.
Hiro: There's a pool?!
Ando: Yup. And a Sauna.
Hiro: Hmm…maybe it'll take longer to get my powers back than I thought.
Claire: What did you just say?
Hiro: Nothing!
Zach: Hey, maybe we can go through this wall.
Claire: What? There's a hole in the wall?!
Zach: Yeah, behind this poster for the show Prison Break….a little "on the nose" if you ask me.
Claire: Perfect! We can finally bust out of here and go home!
Hiro: But…the pool.
Meanwhile, in Peter's Ambulance.
Peter (on his phone): Fine!
He hangs up and throws his phone down.
Niki (in the passenger seat): Wanna talk about it, champ?
Peter: I….
Niki: I was just being nice, I really didn't want to talk about it.
Peter: I'm trying to get out of the Ambulance Driver business and become a full time Doctor. I have Nursing experience!
Niki: Pretty sure you need a little bit more schooling than that.
Peter: I was trying to work at the hospital where they filmed ER. Not a real place! That show isn't even on anymore.
Niki: It's….been off the air for a while, Peter.
Matt comes up front.
Matt: So, we're off to the Carnival to save Mohinder?
Niki: Priorities, Matt. We're off to the Carnival to take in the rides and sample the food…buy some trinkets…get our faces painted…ride some more rides…vomit…get over it then eat some more….THEN we can save Mohinder.
Matt: Does anybody know where this Carnival is? Doesn't it move around and whatnot?
Peter: And at an alarming rate, I might add. My GPS is going bonkers. Now it's flashing a traffic accident on our street.
Niki: I don't see a car accident anywh…
The ambulance suddenly crashes. The front of the vehicle crushes into itself, halting the vehicle. Matt flies forward and hits the windshield.
Matt: Uh…OW!
Peter: Wow! That's pretty accurate Siri! When we get home you're getting a Digital Cookie. A Dookie! Hmm…better go back to the drawing board on that one.
Niki: What the hell!?
Niki, Peter and Matt look up out the windshield and see Tracy in front of them, her leg is propped up on the hood, the front of the car wrapped around it..
Matt: Did we just crash the ambulance INTO HER!? She's a witch!
Niki: Well, we're dead.
Peter: Tracy Strauss…the woman who killed my brother.
Nathan (in the back): Still alive!...and did we just crash into something?! I'm suddenly face down on the floor so something feels off.
Niki: Peter, no! That's not Tracy. It's Barbara, the manifestation of Tracy. Like Jessica to me!
Peter: I don't care. She ruined my ambulance…that comes out of my check!
Peter gets out of the car.
Niki: Peter! Wait! She's too strong! I'll call for help!
She picks up Peter's phone.
Niki: He's only on level 3 of Candy Crush?! Loser…
Matt: If he dies can I be the new Peter?
Peter walks up to Tracy.
Peter: So, Tracy. I have a bone to pick with…
Tracy slams her hand into Peter's chest. He goes flying across the street, crashing through the window of a restaurant.
Niki and Matt: AHHH!
Niki (on Peter's phone): Ugh, I forgot how hard this stupid game was.
Tracy: Niki! My dear, sweet sister. It's me, Barbara!
Niki: Well DUH!
Barbara: Where do you think you're going?
Niki (to Matt): Who does this Barbara think she is?
Matt: I know….you're neither "dear" nor "sweet". The nerve!
Niki shoves Matt into the back and gets out of the car, slowly approaching Barbara.
Niki: Now Tra….Barbara. Why are you doing this?
Barbara: I told you. You are to attend my funeral.
Niki: Yes! We're doing that! But you see, our friend…well….the other guy in the main cast…was kidnapped by evil Carnival folk. We have to rescue him and bring him to the funeral.
Barbara: You had plenty of time to do that. Why the delay?
Niki: Well, we had to go to the school and Matt and I were in a play….this isn't sounding like a good excuse, is it?
Nathan (in the ambulance): What happened to Peter?
Matt: Tracy kinda sent him flying.
Nathan: What?! Okay…I'm going out there.
Matt: Don't! She's a witch!
West: Nathan and I can fly her into the Sun!
Nathan: Don't be ridiculous.
Matt: I can go into her mind and make her THINK she's on the Sun.
Nathan: Okay, that sounds more ridiculous.
Daphne: How about I just run her to a deserted island? It would literally take a second.
Niki: Please…if it's me you want…take everyone else away then come back and we can talk some more.
Barbara: No. Time is up.
Barbara snaps her fingers, Niki passes out. At the same time, Matt, Nathan, West and Daphne collapse as well, unconscious.
Peter (waking up): Ugh…ow, my back! I'm not supposed to get pieces of restaurant in it. Huh?
Peter gets up and makes it back over to the wreckage and notice that everyone is missing.
Peter: Oh…it is…ON!
Elle and Noah are at his Grandmother's house.
Noah: We're here.
Elle: Did you actually explain why you and your grandmother aren't on speaking terms?
Noah: YES! Like…hours ago! Weren't you listening?
Elle: HAHAHAHA…Of course not! That was a stupid question.
Noah: Hmm…yes, it was a stupid question. Nevermind.
The front door opens. An old woman wearing horn rimmed glasses appears.
Grandmother Bennet: …HRG.
Noah: …GMHRG.
Elle: WTF?
On the couch.
Elle: This house smells like dead cats.
Noah: Shh! We're waiting.
Elle: So….you two refer to each other as acronyms? I'd like to know some more on what that's all about.
Noah: What number are we?
Elle: 56. Why did we have to take a number? How many Grandchildren does this old bat have!?
Noah: I hope she can help us….she is the only one who could make the glasses of legend.
Elle: I think you're being a BIT overdramatic. Couldn't you just get Lasik or something?
Noah: I never told you the reason why we became estranged…well, I did but you weren't listening. RUDE.
Elle: I'll try harder this…ZZZZZZ
Noah: Oh nevermind. Let's go. Our number is up.
Elle: Hmm? Oh ok. So…seriously, what happened with the Lasik talk? Why not do that?
Meanwhile, driving down the road. Angela is holding a sack from Dairy Queen.
Angela: I cannot even begin to tell you how long it's been since I've eaten at a Dairy Queen. The Dilly Bars. The Peanut Buster Parfaits. The Blizzards! My favorite! Ah…good times.
She looks over at Bob's speedometer.
Angela: Goodness, Bob! Why are we going so fast?! I mean, we need to get there quickly but we're bound to get pulled over.
Bob: We have to hurry.
Angela: Slow down, Bob.
Bob: Can't.
Angela: Seriously, Bob. Slow down.
Bob: This car cannot slow down.
The police car sirens shine in the rear view mirror.
Angela: AHH! Police! BOB, PULL OVER! I've almost gone a year without getting a ticket and I'm in the running to win a lifetime supply of Dookies. They sound disgusting but I still want them, dammit!
Bob: You don't understand! We're almost out of gas!
Angela: Well, you're the idiot who didn't want to put gas in the car. Besides, going faster isn't going to save you gas, it'll just make it run out faster! Sheesh, even I know that.
Bob: Not in a car that runs on Gold! We have to outrun these cops!
Angela: How in the world do you expect to do that?!
Bob: We have to slow them down. Give me something out of the bag.
Angela: The Dairy Queen bag?! NEVER! I'll die first!
Bob: Hurry, just grab something!
Angela: Bob, all of our stuff is in here! I don't know which is which.
Bob reaches into the bag and grabs a Blizzard cup. He rolls down his window.
Bob: Eat Blizzard, Cop!
Bob chucks it out the window, it splatters on the Police car's windshield.
Cop: What the hell!?
The cop pulls over as Bob and Angela drive off.
Bob: We did it!
Angela (sobbing): That was my Blizzard! Waaaaaah!
Bob: I think you're overreacting.
Angela (throwing the bag in the back): I have no reason to live! Goodbye, cruel world!
Angela opens the car door.
Bob: AHH! Angela! Shut that!
Angela closes the door.
Angela: *sniff*…Can I have your Blizzard?
Bob: Of course not! That's a stupid question!
Angela: Goodbye, Cruel world!
Angela opens the car door again.
Bob: AHHHH!
Back at The Company.
Ted: I have so many great ideas for the wedding. I think you two will be very happy.
Samson and Alice are sitting across from them. Sylar is not amused.
Sylar: Damn skippy I'm not. I thought you two already got married last season?
Samson: We did. But something strange happened and we somehow were apart again. We sort of remember what happened, got back in touch and found out our wedding wasn't actually on record and decided to remarry.
Sylar: I think that was a sign that you weren't supposed to it. But then again, I'm no Astro-Physicist, I've only killed a ton of them.
Samson: Gabriel, why can't you accept that I'm in love with the sister of the woman who claimed to be your mother in order to manipulate you?
Sylar: I just can't believe you would do this to mom!
Ted: Dude, I think it pales slightly in comparison to you pelting her to death with Snow Globes….just saying.
Sylar: You stay out of this!
Ted: So….this wedding. How many people are we talking?
Samson: We want to throw an extravagant party and invite our closest friends.
Ted: Great, anyone from the main cast?
Samson: No! The more of them that show up the higher the disaster rate.
Sylar: True. I'll give him that.
Ted: Wonderful. Did you have a band in mind?
Samson: Alice and I have become really fond of the band 'Sugar Ray'. We would like them to perform.
Ted: Wow….I mean…okay. Did not expect that. Didn't even crack my top 1000 guesses. But, I can make it happen. If I have the ability to do something, it's to resurrect the careers of 90's bands….and blow stuff up. We'll keep in touch.
Samson: Gabriel, I do hope you make it to the wedding.
Ted: Damn skippy he will.
They walk off.
Sylar: No way! I'm not partaking in this.
Ted: Get a hold of yourself!
He slaps Sylar.
Sylar: Did you just slap me?!
Ted: Don't you see the main problem here?! I have to deliver them Sugar Ray!? Where the hell am I supposed to find them?! I don't have people! Oh, this whole thing was a bad idea! What am I going to do?
Sylar: I got it. I'll leave and find something else to do. Surely someone has something more interesting going on.
Later…
Sylar: I'm sorry…what?
Sitting across from him at a restaurant, Peter sips his tea.
Peter: I want you to accompany me to a funeral.
Sylar: I guess this is the best I could do. Why?
Peter: There's someone I'm after. I can't take her alone, and you're the only person for the job. Well, The Haitian is always the top pick but he's busy….of course.
Sylar: Why a funeral? Who died?
Peter: Tracy Strauss….sort of.
Sylar: Ah,
Peter: You see, it's her funeral, but she's alive and extremely powerful.
Sylar: Just…take her abilities and kick her butt.
Peter: She's too strong. I can't touch her. This is where you come in.
Sylar: Hmm?
Peter: I need you to give her the old "Swipe-eroo". Exposing her brain will leave her vulnerable enough for me to take what I need.
Sylar: Yeesh. I mean, that sounds fantastic. Why not just do it yourself?
Peter: I'm an ambulance driver/nurse. If I screw up and put her in the hospital that will eat up my entire weekend. I need a Professional.
Sylar: Makes sense, I guess. Well, in case you haven't noticed, I have no powers. So you'll just have to….
Peter grabs Sylar's wrist and holds it up.
Sylar: !
Peter: …Now you do.
Sylar: Are you insane?! How desperate are you?!
Peter: I'll do anything to avenge my brother.
Sylar: Peter, I'm not even in this subplot and I know he's not dead!
Peter: So….you'll help me, then?
Sylar: Well….now that I have powers what's stopping me from just killing you and fleeing?
Peter: It's only temporary. You stick to the plan…you can have them back full time.
Sylar: Okay, I guess…..
He flings his finger.
Sylar: SWIPE!
Peter: Nice try, I have Claire's powers working in overdrive. You can't cut me.
Sylar: Oh, shoot…..fine. Let's do this.
Sylar answers his phone.
Sylar: What?
Ted: Sylar! I need you back here! We have no staff and the place is packed!
Sylar: From what?
Ted: Your Dad's Wedding! It's swamped in here!
Sylar: Wha….you just planned it today! How is it already going?!
Ted: No time to explain! Just hurry back! I'm dying out here!
Sylar: Ugh.
Peter: Problems?
Sylar: I have to help lame brain host the wedding of my father and your aunt.
Peter: They….got married again?
Sylar: No, they we're married and then the giant shuffling of our lives happened now they aren't, now they're getting married again.
Peter: Yeah, when I reprogrammed the world I just went kinda nuts with it.
Sylar: Say what now?
Peter: Nevermind that. So…..a Wedding, eh? If there's a Wedding, there has to be a Reception.
Sylar: Uh….I guess?
Peter: Okay, change of plans. First, I crash this Wedding because I'm all for free food.
Sylar: We just ate!
Peter: Then we head to the funeral. Okay, let's roll!
Peter walks off. Sylar turns around.
Sylar: …..SWIPE!
Peter (leaving): I told you, that's not going to work.
Sylar: Dammit!
Later.
Peter: I…am…filled…with…so….much….cake.
Sylar: Are you done engorging yourself? I want to go back to being a Villain.
Peter: Just a sec….let me…loosen my belt. Hmm?
Peter looks over at the shattered window.
Peter: Oh yeah, forgot it busted off me and knocked out the window. Whoops.
Samson and Alice come over.
Samson: This Wedding was just great, you guys. And thank you Gabriel for being the minister and marrying us.
Sylar: Yeah, well joke's on you. I don't have the credentials for that. HA! Sham marriage!
Ted: Actually, I took care of that. I filled out your paperwork online and now you're a fully licensed Wedding Minister!
Sylar: You WHAT?!
Ted: Yup…..gonna have that Jacuzzi in the break room in no time.
Sylar: Lame!
Peter: It was an awesome wedding. How did you get Sugar Ray to perform?
Ted: It was a rough process. At first I did a test run of famous boxer Sugar Ray Leonard just doing covers of Sugar Ray songs. It did not…..go well.
Sylar: Yeah, he punched me in the throat! It wasn't even my idea!
Ted: Anyway, so then the nicest lady came in for the funeral discussion. She said if I did it today she would get me the band…and she did! She must be a witch or something.
Peter: Uh oh. What was the name of this Client?
Ted (looking through his papers): Barbara. Just Barbara. No last name!? Great, she's probably going to bail on the payment. I hate that!
Peter: Hmmm….how about that? Another change of plans.
He looks at Sylar.
Sylar: NO! If you take away my powers I swear I'll scratch your eyes out!
Peter: I have a better idea.
Back at the Prison, Claire, Zach and Hiro crawl through the wall tunnel.
Claire: You know that thing I said earlier about using your teleporting? You could have done that now and spared us the trouble.
Hiro: Can't! Still nervous!
Claire: Ugh. Look! A light! We found a way out! Crawl!
The three of them shuffle through the crawling space to reach the opening.
Claire: GAH!
The opening leads to the outside of the Prison, over the side of a cliff with jagged rocks and water waiting for them.
Claire: I saw literally NO water when we showed up. Is this one of those freaky Narnia Prisons!?
Zach: I guess we have to crawl back.
An opening on the other side flings open. A guard shines a light in their faces.
Claire, Zach, Hiro: AHHHHH!
Guard: Hey! You're not allowed to escape from Prison! Thank goodness for that anonymous tip.
Claire glares at Hiro.
Claire: Oh, I just know you are behind this somehow.
Hiro: I don't know what you're talking about. Looks like we'll have to go back….after we find out what happens on the thrilling conclusion of Jane, The Murderer.
Claire: NO!
Elle kicks down a door to see Hiro staring out the window.
Elle: JANE! You killed the hottest boy in school. For that, I will have your head!
Hiro: I've been expecting you. Whatever your name is.
Elle: The name is STORM! And I harness the power of weather.
Hiro: Aw, no fair, I want to be an X-Man. Regardless, this is our final battle.
Elle: Have at you!
Elle and Hiro (running toward each other): AHHHHHHH!
Elle and Hiro clash their swords.
Elle: So what did you get on the Chemistry Exam?
Hiro: A "D Minus"!
Elle: You better not! I totally copied off you!
Hiro: I already aced the test a week ago. The test you saw me take was just a decoy!
Elle: YOU! This sword will taste blood! DIE!
Elle and Hiro fly toward each other doing bicycle kicks.
Elle: AHHHHHHH!
Hiro: AHHHHHHHH!
Later, an EMT wheels out Elle and Hiro on a gurney, their legs are tangled up together.
Elle: That was a really bad idea.
Hiro: Yeah, we should probably just be friends.
Elle: Yeah…..OR NOT!
They both grab their swords.
CLANG!
Hiro is daydreaming while in the Prison Community Pool with Claire, Ando and Zach.
Hiro (daydreaming): CLANG! CLANG! PEW! RATATATATATA! CLANG!
Ando: Man, I've got to DVR this show.
Claire: See, this is what happens when I get stuck in plots with you guys.
Noah: ELLE!
Elle jolts up from her sleep.
Elle: ACK!
She slaps Noah.
Noah: Gah!
Elle: Wake up, Mr. B! You were having a nightmare!
Noah: I just woke you up, you doofus! We're here.
Elle notices she and Noah are sitting in an office across from Noah's Grandmother.
Noah: Hello, Grand Mama.
Elle: Wow, Mr. B. She actually looks younger than you! You sure she's YOUR grandmother?
Noah: Shut it. So, you know why we're here.
GMHRG adjusts her glasses.
GMHRG: Yes. You broke your glasses.
Noah: Well, she did.
Elle: Yeah…
GMHRG: SILENCE! I can fix your glasses, but the tool I use is broken. Take these and get them repaired, then bring them back to me. Then I will have your new horned rimmed glasses.
Elle: Can't we just knock her down and steal the ones she's wearing? I'm fairly sure I can take her.
Noah: Fine. We'll run these by…a blacksmith or whatever.
GMHRG: These tools are special, no ordinary man can fix them.
Noah: Of course not.
GMHRG: There is a legendary blacksmith who resides in the mountains to the north. Reach the cave on the summit, and he will help you.
Noah: We have to climb a freaking mountain?!
GMHRG: A tour lift runs up there every day at 7 in the morning. I would recommend you be on it. Dismissed.
Noah: Ugh, okay Elle, let's go.
They get up and walk out of the office.
Elle: I swear if this is just an ear hair removal kit, I'm burning down her house.
Peter is lying down, staring up. He is in a coffin.
Voice: Many challenges await us. Pasts and futures will collide.
In a hearse, Barbara sits patiently as Niki, Matt, Nathan, West and Daphne are getting into the vehicle. Ted is driving the hearse while Sylar is in the passenger seat, dressed like a Minister. Niki spots Sylar and has a confused look on her face.
Voice: The villains have the upper hand. Trust is tested. But will Temptation prevail?
Sylar slowly spins around an ink pen in mid-air.
Voice: Our new reality has set in. But is it meant to be?
Benjamin finished a letter and leaves it with Micah's belongings at school.
Chloe: Did you finish it?
Benjamin: Yeah, I hope he can save us in time.
Chloe starts to flicker.
Chloe: What's happening?
Benjamin: They know we escaped…..they're bringing us back. It's all up to them now.
Chloe and Benjamin disappear.
Voice: The keys to the secrets of the present, bonding past and future. Will they unravel reality itself?
Mohinder: HEY!
Guy reading script: Oh…hey.
Mohinder: What the hell do you think you're doing!?
Guy: Oh, you weren't in the episode so….
Mohinder: NO! No, no, no….it doesn't matter. The monologues are my thing, pal! Get out!
Mohinder throws him out of the booth. Mohinder looks at the script.
Mohinder: Ugh, I would have nailed this. Some people are so RUDE!
D.L and Micah walk into the Carnival.
D.L: This is the address Molly gave you? I mean we're at a Carnival so chances are she's probably right.
Micah: Yeah, let's save Mohinder and get back quickly. I have a much bigger job to do when I get back.
In Seattle, at the Petrelli Secret Lake House.
Angela: We're finally here! My butt's asleep.
Bob: Mine isn't. Good thing it's made of Gold!
Angela: Oh, would you shut up about your golden butt?! The entire trip! Seriously! Let's just get inside.
Bob and Angela make their way inside the house. Another car pulls up, the man gets out and holsters a gun. He makes his way to the house.
In the coffin. Peter checks his watch. He continues to wait patiently…The coffin opens.
To Be Continued.