The Heroes Parody Project
Season 5
Chapter 6
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright its creator, Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, know or represent any of the cast or crew. This fan fiction is written purely for entertainment purposes only so please don't sue. Reader Discretion is advised.
Get ready, for this year's most anticipated romantic thriller…"Fifty Shades Of Gray".
Claira Steele walks into Gabriel Gray's office.
Claire: Mr. Gray? My name is Clairnastasia Steele…wow, the writers did NOT think that one all the way through. I'm here to interview you.
Mysteriously, Gabriel Gray turns around.
Sylar: Clairnesta…I've been expecting you.
Claire: Yeah, that's not my name.
Sylar: Well, I wasn't going to remember whatever that gibberish was you just belted out.
Claire: Right. Anyway, I'm here for the interview. This will take my career to insane heights. As high as, say, The Eiffel Tower. No, that's too ambitious. Start small, Claireellellogram….
Sylar: What?
Claire: Just Claire, I can't remember what my name was either. So let's have this chat! How long have you been the CEO of "Sexy Pants Incorporated"?
She does a double take at her notes.
Claire: Please tell me that's not a real company.
Sylar: Hold the phone, I'm not going to just have this interview on the spot. You're going to have to do something for me.
Claire: I guess. What?
Sylar: I'm going to need you to sign this "Lover's Contract".
Claire: A what now?
Sylar: A contract that basically says you have to do whatever I say until I'm done with you, THEN you'll get your interview.
Claire: ….after I sign the contract or after I do all the crap for you?
Sylar: The second one.
Claire: LAME! Fine, where do I sign?
Sylar: Right here….allright, let's get started.
Later, on an airplane. Sylar and Claire are seated at a nice dining room table.
Sylar: The first portion of my contract wants to determine if you are "dating" material. So here we are on a fancy date.
Claire: Have you never heard of a restaurant? Why is there a table on the airplane?
Sylar: Because I have lots of money.
Claire: Ah. Makes sense.
The airplane takes off.
Claire tries to cut into her steak. She is having trouble so she tries cutting harder. She picks up the steak with the knife and bangs it on the table.
Sylar: Problems?
Claire: Steak's a little tough.
Sylar: Yeah, it'll do that sometimes.
He motions for something.
Sylar: So, Claire, tell me a little about yourself.
Claire: Well, I have blonde hair, green eyes, and like long walks off short piers…
Sylar stops eating and looks up.
Sylar: What?
Claire: Yeah, I accidentally did it once when I was a kid and have been doing it ever since! It's quite thrilling. I close my eyes and I don't know when the pier is going to end and I just fall into the ocean. I love it! Except for that one time when we had a terrible drought and I shattered my face on the bottom of the ocean floor. Not fun!
Sylar: Hmm…you like excitement, huh?
Claire: -GASP- Are we going to walk off a short pier?!
Sylar: Uh, No…..even better.
The bottom of the airplane opens up sending the table set falling.
Claire: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sylar: CLAIRE! CLAAAAAIRE!
Claire: AHHHHH! WHAAAAAT!?
Sylar: CAN I OFFER YOU SOME MORE MASHED POTATOS!?
Claire: AAHHHHHHHHH! I CAN'T STOP SCREAMING!
Sylar: FINE! I'LL EAT THE REST OF THE POTATOS!
Claire: WE'RE GOING TO DIE! AHHHHH!
Sylar: I GOT IT COVERED!
Sylar pulls his parachute and flies upward.
Claire: WHAT ABOUT ME!?
Sylar: I'LL SEEE YOUUU BACK AT THE OOOFFFICCCEE!
Claire: CAN I AT LEAST GET SOME FREAKING STEAK SAUCE!?
Back at Gabriel Gray's office.
Sylar: Are you ready for part two of our contract?
Claire: You're lucky all the King's Horses and All The King's Men put me back together again….in the Renaissance Fair I landed in, exploding upon impact. Glad they didn't ask any questions, THAT would have been awkward.
Sylar: Come with me.
Later, Claire is tied up to a table.
Claire: Well, this is nice.
Sylar: Okay, Claire, it's time for you to show how much you want to make me happy.
Claire: Sky diving sans parachute to my death wasn't good enough, huh? Fine, what is it going to be this time?
Sylar: I never told anybody this…but I'm really into….(looks around)….M&M's.
Claire: What?!
Sylar: M&M's. You know, the chocolate candy, melts in your mouth, not in your hand?
Claire: OH! I love M&M's!
Sylar: Good, because I want you to eat all the ones I have.
Claire: Sure, I can always go for a few M&M's. Hand em' over!
Sylar: A few? Haha….no, I'm referring to eating all 200 of these Family Size Econo-Bags of Peanut M&M's.
Claire: ALL AT ONCE!? I'll explode!
Sylar: Better make it quick if you want that interview.
Sylar leaves. Claire looks around.
Claire: How am I supposed to eat this stupid candy when I'm tied to a table?!
Sylar returns an hour later and finds an extremely rotund Claire has grown 10 times her size.
Claire: Worth it. *BUUUUUUUURRRRP!*
Sylar: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?
Claire: What do you think happened!? You made me eat a billion calories in candy, you idiot! And right before Cheerleader tryouts, now I'm going to knock down all the other girls like bowling pins! So, thanks for that.
Sylar: This won't do.
Sylar takes out a flute and plays a little tune. A group of little men run out.
Claire: Who are they?
Sylar: They're my small army of Chumba Wumbas.
Claire: That one hit wonder band from the 90's?
Sylar: No. Chumba Wumbas, send Ms. Steele down to the compress.
The little men start to dance.
Chumba Wumbas (singing): Chumba Wumba, Dooba Dee Doo, it's not our fault you're as big as a Zoo.
Claire: HEY!
Chumba Wumbas (singing): Chumba Wumba, Dooba Dee Dee, it's a straight fact, you're as big as a Zoo!
Claire: That didn't even rhyme! You Chumba Wumbas suck!
They roll her away.
Claire: Whoooooaaaa!
An hour later.
Claire (back to her old self): Well, THAT was traumatizing! Can I have my freaking interview now?!
Sylar: Almost. You must pass your….final test.
Claire: Well, hurry up. I just got a text from Peter and we're already WAAAY over schedule. We're going to have to steal airtime from "The Mysteries Of Laura"!
Sylar: Once we have established our relationship we need to think about the next logical step. The children.
Claire: The what-ren?
Sylar: I need an heir to carry on my legacy here as "Sexy Pants Incorporated".
Claire: You never told me if that's a real business or not.
Sylar: So you, Claire, will need to practice your parenting skills. Take this egg.
Claire: OOH! EGG! Can I eat it?
Sylar: NO! It's your child, you must take care and nurture it.
Claire: ….but….it's an egg.
Sylar: I know it's an egg….you are going to pretend it's your brand new baby.
Claire: But I don't want a child, I JUST lost all my M&M fat!
Sylar: Take the damn egg, Claire.
Claire: Fine. Activating "Mother Mode".
Sylar ever so gently lays the egg in Claire's hands.
Claire (to the egg): Who's a cute baby? Yes you are! Yes you are!
The egg explodes, Claire gets yolk all over her.
Claire: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sylar: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Claire: AHHHHHHH!
Sylar: AHHHHHH! WHAT DID YOU DO!?
Claire: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
Sylar: YOU JUST KILLED OUR EGG BABY!
Claire: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! AN ACCIDENT! AHHHHH!...Do you have another one?
Sylar: Sure, I got a full carton of eggs back here. Now be extra careful with this one. Be sure to give it extra love.
Claire: I most certainly will.
30 seconds later, Claire runs out of the office completely drenched in egg yolk.
Claire: WAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Sylar: YOU MONSTER! YOU KILLED ALL 10 OF OUR EGG BABIES! I'll…..wait, there should have been 12 in there, right? (he counts the carton) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! That stupid kid at the Super Market shorted me two eggs! I'm going to track him down and egg his house!
Later.
Sylar: Congratulations, Claire. You win!
Claire: Therapy?
Sylar: Even better! Your interview!
Claire: Who gives a crap?! I forgot all the questions I was going to ask you! Forget this….I'm out of here.
Sylar: Well, her loss…..more M&M's for me!
Sylar pops a handful in his mouth.
Sylar: AHH! I forgot I was allergic to chocolate!
Sylar swells up into a monstrous size.
Sylar: AHHH!...HELP!
The Chumba Wumbas come out and start to roll him away.
Sylar: Ah crap…..
Hiro: Previously, on Heroes.
Hiro picks up his phone.
Ando: Hiro! You got to help me! I was arrested for stealing school supplies!
Zach: The strangest thing happened after I left Genesis Redux.
Zach is at his house, the door opens, revealing Zach. He hides.
Hiro: Clones!
Claire: Who else got out of Redux when it collapsed?
Hiro: Isaac Mendez, he was with Micah when the program got shut down.
Claire: We got to find a way into the prison. We'll pretend to be guards. That always works, right?
Claire, Zach and Hiro get thrown in a cell.
Ando (to Hiro): Prison life isn't so bad. The pool is amazing.
Hiro: Reeeeally?
He strokes his beard.
Hiro: Where did this beard come from?! (RIP!) AHHH!
Elle breaks Noah's glasses.
Elle: Just get new ones!
Noah: We'll have to visit the woman who made them….my grandmother.
Grandmother Bennet: Take this tool kit to a legendary blacksmith who resides on the mountains to the north. Return them to me and I will fix your glasses.
D.L and Micah head to the Carnival.
Peter: Let's go save Mohinder!
Angela: Let's hit the road.
Angela and Bob Bishop leave the gas station, they are followed by a mysterious man.
Barbara/Tracy crashes the ambulance, she sends Peter flying across the street and kidnaps Niki, Matt, Nathan, West and Daphne.
Peter: I need you to accompany me to a funeral.
He gives Sylar back the powers of telekinesis.
Sylar: You must be desperate….or just nuts.
Peter: That was a great wedding. How did you get the band?
Ted: A woman came in and said if I did her funeral today, she'd get him. Her name was Barbara.
Peter: Change of plans.
Barbara escorts Niki, Matt, Daphne, West and Nathan into the hearse. Ted and Sylar are driving them.
Peter waits patiently in the coffin at the funeral.
In a Cemetery. There is destruction everywhere. Broken grave stones, uprooted trees. Matt is stuck in one of the trees. Niki is unconscious, sitting up against a nearby grave stone. Sylar and Ted are off to the side on the ground. Sylar starts crawling across the ground past:
Chapter Six "Mourn-age Is The New Black"
Peter is lying on the ground. The hearse in the street explodes as pieces of shrapnel of the vehicle start sliding off the street and across the Cemetery ground. Barbara makes her way over to Peter as the shrapnel lifts off the ground and starts building something into her hand. The shrapnel builds a fully working shotgun.
Peter: Oh whatever! That would never happen in real life!
Barbara aims the shotgun at Peter.
Peter: Hmm. Okay, two can play at that game.
Peter reaches his hands out for the remaining shrapnel. The fly toward him as they wrap around both his index fingers, forming a fully working Chinese Finger Trap.
Peter: Oh, hell! I hate these! (to Barbara): Hold on….give me just a second…..
Barbara pulls the trigger.
An Hour Earlier
Peter is waiting in the coffin. Outside, Nathan, West, Niki, Matt and Daphne are tied up and loading up into the hearse. Niki notices Ted and Sylar and looks confused.
Ted: SHHHHHHH!
Sylar: EW! You just spit on me! Gross!
Angela Petrelli and Bob Bishop
The Super Secret Petrelli Lake House
Angela: What a dump!
Bob: What are you talking about?! This place looks fantastic!
Angela: Dust! So much dust!
She grabs a white glove and puts it on.
Angela: And people just leaving their gloves everywhere! It just sickens me.
Bob: Aren't you the only one that comes up here?
Angela: Technically, no. It's sort of a time share.
Bob: "Sort of".
Angela: It…."is" a time share. I share this estate with 15 other families. Which was kind of the reason why we had to get here so quickly. The other family will be here…(checks watch)….today.
Bob: Today?! Okay, I'm overlooking the main issue here. Aren't we here because of a time machine?
Angela: Yeah.
Bob: And….the 15 other families haven't noticed it? It would be kind of a big deal.
Angela: Got it taken care of.
Bob and Angela enter the room with the Time Machine on it. There is a sign around it that reads:
Don't Look!
Angela: And that's the end of that! (she dusts her hands) AHH! So much dust! AAAAACHOOO!
Bob: THAT'S your deterrent?!
Angela: Yes. The sign says "Don't look". They won't look and notice the time machine.
Bob: But they have to see the sign so they'll know not to look, and it's ATTACHED to the machine! You can't un-see the time machine, it's huge!
Angela: And we're the only ones that can know.
Bob: You're not getting me, are you?
Angela: Nope! Will you get me a glass of tea while I prep this thing?
Bob: Sure.
Bob makes his way into the kitchen and grabs a glass. Suddenly, he is stricken with a lamp. Bob slumps to the floor, unconscious. A mysterious man puts down the lamp. And makes his way to find Angela.
Noah and Elle
Mountainside Tours
Elle: Ugh!
Elle bundles herself in her giant coat.
Elle: It is freezing out here! I think the saliva in my mouth is freezing my tongue!
Noah: Praise the Lord…
Elle: Oh quiet, you! I can't believe we have to go through all this just for some stupid glasses. Why can't you just get Lasik already like I mention a million episodes ago?!
Noah: Because it is my look. It would completely change my character. How would you like it if someone cut your hair?
Elle: Already did that. I can grow it back at will thanks to my electricity powers.
Noah: …That doesn't…..huh?
Elle: YAY! The line's moving!
Noah and Elle make their way to the ticket counter.
Clerk: Tickets.
Noah and Elle look at each other.
Elle: For what?
Clerk: Uh…the mountain trolley.
Elle: We have to PAY for this crap?!
Noah: Fine, whatever. Where can we get tickets?
Clerk: You can only buy them online. Not the best business model but it works.
Elle: I've never even heard of the Internet!
Clerk: I said "online", not "internet". If you've never heard of it how do you know they're associated with each other?
Elle: ….well, crap, he got me…I don't like this guy, Mr. B. LET'S KILL HIM!
Clerk: WHAT!?
Noah: Relax…...but not too much because she's nuts.
Elle: But I'm also sweet. Used to go by the name "Trail Mix" when I was in school. That and because I love Trail Mix….except for the nuts. I just picked all those out…..was pretty much a bag of M&M's!
Some Chumba Wumbas run up.
Elle: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! HISS!
They run away.
Clerk: No ticket. No ride.
He slams the window shut.
Noah: Now what?
Elle: LOOK'S LIKE WERE GOING TO HAVE TO SNEAK ON BOARD!
Noah: Why are you screaming?
Clerk: I heard that!
Elle: Ugh, I hate this guy!
Claire Bennet
Gilligan's Island Prison Compound
Claire walks over to Hiro, who is relaxing in the Community Steam Room. He has cucumbers over his eyes.
Claire: HIRO!
Hiro: AHHH! (His cucumbers fall off, he quickly puts them back on).
Claire: Hiro. I know you're keeping us here against our will so you can enjoy the Prison's luxuries. I will not have it, my good sir!
Hiro: What? You're not supposed to find that out until later in the episode. I haven't even started doing that yet!
Claire: No, I came to that find out at the beginning of the episode because I read the script that I found out at the end of the episode. It's right here in the beginning of the script.
Hiro: I'm so confused!
Claire: We need to get out of here, Hiro. Not only do you have a defunct school to run, but I have better things to do….well, not really. But gosh darn, I'm going to find something better to do!
Hiro: But I haven't done anything yet!
Claire: You won't get away with this. I'm going to do so much good behavior, we'll be out of here in no time.
Claire takes away his cucumbers.
Claire: I'll be taking these for lunch. Good day.
Hiro: NO! That was my last cucumber. Oh well, let's try Carrots. Say Ando…
Ando is next to him.
Ando: Yeah, Hiro?
Hiro: We need to do some planning. I'm not going anywhere.
Ando: What about the school?
Hiro: Oh, another week of preparations won't hurt it. What's the worst that could happen?
Back at the school, Lydia is trying to sit down in one of the desks.
Lydia: Are these Kindergarten desks?! Am I even in an Adult Classroom?!
She positions herself.
Lydia: There we go…I'm now forever stuck in this desk. Hmm. I think I can drape something over it and pass it off as a skirt. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
Edgar walks in and starts writing his name on the chalkboard.
Edgar: Ugh, I hate chalk. It just leaves residue all over your fingers. (He smells the chalk) That's a Cheeto. Well, there's one mystery solved.
Lydia: What are you doing?!
Edgar: Oh…I'm teaching this class.
Lydia: How did you become a teacher!?
Edgar: Talked to the Superintendent, Kaito Nakamura. Told him I was a teacher and….here I am!
Lydia: I want to be a teacher! I don't want to be a student stuck in these awful desks.
Edgar: Hmm. This is going to be kinda difficult without any students.
Lydia: What are you supposed to be teaching anyway?
Edgar: Funny, that never came up. The only thing I really know how to do is throw knives. I'll teach that!
Lydia: That sounds like a really awful idea.
Edgar: And what would you do, just show them Tattoos of them accomplishing their dreams?
Lydia: Well, no. I can teach them something practical…..like Music!
Edgar: But, you have no musical talent. Don't take that the wrong way…hmm, usually I would say that first. Guess it doesn't help either way.
Lydia: No, it kinda doesn't.
Edgar: Well, I'm going to round up some students. I'll be back in a jiff.
Lydia: HEY! Wait!...Hold on.
Lydia struggles to get out of the desk.
Lydia: I have got to get this class some new desks….oh forget it.
Lydia stands up with the desk attached around her as she walks out the door.
= = =HEROES= = =
As the Mountainside Trolley makes its way up the mountain. Outside, Noah and Elle are riding on top of the car.
Noah: This plan was really stupid! I'm freezing to death up here!
Elle: Too bad for you, I'm warming myself with the power of Electricity.
Noah: YOUR POWERS DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!
Elle: Man, this thing is taking forever. How many people are on this thing. Mr. B, hold my legs!
Noah thinks for a moment.
Noah: Okay, I'm grabbing a hold of your legs now.
Elle: Okay, I'm going to lower myself over the edge to look into the window. Don't let go.
Noah: Uh huh. Got it.
Noah has his arms crossed and sitting over on the other side of the car.
Elle: You have a hold of my legs, Mr. B?
Noah: Yup.
Elle: It doesn't feel like it.
Noah: Don't worry, I do.
Elle: Okay! LET'S DO THIS!
Elle slides herself off of the edge of the trolley.
Elle: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Noah shakes off his daydream.
Noah: I'm sorry, what?
Elle: I saw that, Mr. B.
Noah: HOW!?
Elle: Just hold my legs, dammit!
Noah grabs on to her legs as she crawls down the side of the Trolley.
Elle: I can't reach the window. Further, Mr. B!
Noah: Okay, I'll lower you and just hold on to your ankles, but that's the farthest I can go.
Elle manages to reach the window.
Elle: HEY! There's nobody on this Trolley! What gives?! Okay, lift me back up, Mr. B! We're breaking in.
Noah pulls up Elle, but is only holding a pair of boots in his hands.
Noah: OOPS!
Daydream ended.
Elle slaps Noah in the arm.
Elle: Would you PLEASE stop fantasizing about my death?! Rude! Now, come on, let's break into that Trolley!
Meanwhile, back at the cemetery. Sylar and Ted walk over to the coffin and open it.
Peter: WHEW! Finally! Man, how do dead people breathe in these things?
Sylar (to Ted): You can see why I spent a billion seasons trying to kill these people?
Ted: So what's the plan here?
Peter: We have to stop Barbara. She's stupidly powerful.
Ted: Aaaand...how do you plan on accomplishing that?
Peter: We'll wait for her to finish the service.
Ted: I'm confused. I thought this was her funeral. Shouldn't SHE be in the casket?
Peter: What she'll probably do is welcome and thank everyone for coming...then kill them.
Ted: Lovely!
Peter: Then climb into the casket and let you guys do your thing. However, when she climbs into the casket...I will be waiting inside. Waiting...to attack!
Sylar: And this happens after everyone else is dead?
Peter: Let's hope she doesn't do that first.
Sylar: So you pretty much don't know what's going to happen.
Barbara: What's going on here?
Sylar: Nothing!
Ted: Yep. Just making sure it's nice and comfy when...you know...get in here...which will be...
Barbara: After I thank everyone for coming and then kill them. Then I will get inside.
Ted (to Sylar): Gotta give her props for being so honest. I like that in a woman! I might be in love! I hope she likes long walks off short piers!
Sylar: Will you shut up?! You can play "Lowered Expectations" on your own time. We're probably all going to die! We have to get out of this mess.
Back at the Lakehouse Timeshare.
Angela (yelling): Bob! I'm not being hydrated by tea! My tonsils are getting chapped. What's the hold up?
Silence.
Angela: BOB! I don't like being ignored!
She makes her way to the kitchen where she bumps into the mysterious man.
Angela: HAHHHHHHH-llo! Sorry, wasn't sure how I wanted to react. Have we met?
Man: No.
Angela: Wonderful. Dangerous stranger then, check! I just wanted to be sure. Let's try this again. AHHHHHHHHHH!
Angela swings a lamp and crushes it over the man's head and runs back downstairs.
Angela: Oh, dammit! I ran back downstairs into the one windowless room. I WOULD be the first one to die in a horror film. That stupid quiz I took on Facebook was right!
The door opens as the man makes his way downstairs. He spots Angela and pulls out a gun.
Angela, standing next to the Time Machine, holds up her hands.
Angela: WAIT! Don't look!
Man: Is that...is that a Time Machine?
Angela: HEY! Read the sign! You're not supposed to look!
Man: Oh! Sorry.
The Man closes his eyes. Angela runs back upstairs.
Man: You should probably have a sign on the door. Just sayin...it's probably what I would do...Hello?
He notices she's gone.
Man: DAMMIT!
He runs back up the stairs.
Claire meanwhile, was in the Dean Of Admissions Of Imprisonment back at the Prison.
Claire: Which...I didn't know was a real position.
Dean: It is!
Claire: Well, let me introduce myself. I'm Claire Bennet...of the Odessa Bennets.
Dean: ….
Claire: We're rich. So rich...like...money rich.
Dean: ...oookay.
Claire: And what is your name?
Dean: …..Dean.
Claire: And you're the Dean? Perfect! Lazy writing at its finest. Listen Dean, I think we got started off on the wrong foot. I don't want you to get the impression that I'm a bad person. I am a Cheerleader after all.
Dean: ...Uh huh.
Claire: And I'm also a great chef...baker...whatever. And with great chef baking comes great...BROWNIES.
Dean: I do like Brownies.
Claire: Eat up. Eat all you want. Now...you wouldn't think widdle ol' me would be responsible for such horrible crimes as...wait...why are we in here again?
Dean: You broke into a Prison Facility.
Claire: Oh yeah...that. I mean...shouldn't I at least get a warning?
Dean: Well...(he eats a bite...then another)...wow...these are incredible!
Claire: It's Sara Lee...and I helped!...Wait...that's not how the saying goes. Dammit! I should have watched more television as a kid.
Hiro runs in.
Hiro: DON'T!
He slaps the pan out of the Dean's hands.
Hiro: Those brownies are POISONED!
The Dean spits them out.
Claire: Hiro! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Hiro: What do you think YOU'RE doing!?
Dean: Why aren't you people in your cells? That JUST occurred to me.
Claire: You're the one who sucked me into this stupid fakey school sub plot and I'm not going to downward spiral myself into having more problems than screen time. At this rate I'll NEVER get my own spinoff.
This fall, Claire Bennet is saving futures...by reading them. CLAIRE VOYANCE!
Britney: Oh my god! Cassie tried to swallow her Pom Pom and totally died!
Claire: This wasn't an accident. It was MURDER!
Britney: Who...are you?!
Claire: The name's Voyance...Claire Voyance! And I'm going to solve this murder.
She grabs two pom poms.
Claire: Give me a V-I-S-I-O-N. VISION!
Claire has a flashback to herself cramming the Pom Poms in Cassie's mouth.
Britney: Did you see who killed Cassie?
Claire: Uhhhhhhh...yeah, she tried to swallow them and totally died.
Britney: HOW AWFUL!
Claire: …...yup.
Hiro: Who would watch that?!
Claire: Shut your face! That's who!
Hiro: And how is that a spinoff of your character? Your last name is Voyance?!
Claire: Billionaire Astronaut Husband John Voyance. Duh!
Hiro: Telling the future isn't even your ability! How are you going to explain that!?
Claire: I traded it in...at the super power trading post..WHO CARES?! IT'S MY SHOW!
Dean: Should I not be in this conversation?
Claire: You're fine. I'm out of here. But hear this...Hiro.
She gets close to him.
Claire: I'm getting us out of here whether you like it or not.
Hiro: ….then I guess its game on.
Hiro grabs a nearby cup of water and throws it in the Dean's face. Claire immediately pulls out a towel and throws it to him.
Claire: Game...on.
Dean: I can't shake this feeling that I'm missing something here.
Back at the Cemetery.
Barbara: I would like to thank you all for coming to my funeral. It means a lot that you care.
Nathan, Niki, Matt, West and Daphne (with her legs tied) are sitting in the audience outside.
Niki (to Nathan): Got any ideas?
Nathan: I'm just trying to make it through the rest of the season without getting shot. So no. I have no ideas.
Barbara: I never had the chance to really get to know my sisters, Niki and Tracy. I have my regrets. But I'll move on.
Matt (to Niki ear): PSST!...PSST!...PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTT!
Niki: AHH! Stop that! What?
Matt: So...where's Tracy again?
Niki: I told you...I think that since I have Jessica...and we know how THAT went down. I think that Barbara is...Tracy. As Jessica was to me.
Matt: Interesting.
Niki: What?
Matt: I might have a way out of this.
Niki: Better late than never I suppose. So how do we do this?
Matt: Let's wait until Peter does his plan after she opens the coffin.
They both look at Barbara who is glaring at them.
Niki: Uhh...
Matt: Does she have super hearing?
Niki: Probably.
Barbara turns toward the casket and proceeds on opening it.
Niki: That would be a yes.
Barbara flings open the casket door.
Peter: …..Hello.
Meanwhile, on the Mountainside Lift.
Elle, who was napping on the floor of the trolley, gets up.
Elle: UGH! Are we THERE yet?! It's freezing in here. One of my cheeks froze to the ground!
Noah: The Trolley has been stuck for a while.
Elle: Well, that's just great! Now what do we do?!
Noah: Let's risk death and climb the rest of the way!...Elle?
Elle (with the door already open) is making her way back up to the roof.
Elle: Two steps ahead of you, Mr. B!
Noah: AHH! What are you doing!? Get back in here!
Elle: We have to get to the summit, Mr. B! There's no time to waste!
Noah: Groan.
He follows her back outside.
Angela, upstairs in the Lake House, locks herself in a bedroom.
Angela: Okay, Mr. Robber! It's time to take you out.
She walks around the room gathering supplies. Over time we cut to...
Her measuring out tape.
Tying string around the doorknob.
Hammering nails into the wall.
Spreading a blueprint on the bed.
Pouring glue on the floor.
Finding a gun in the drawer, she props it up on the other side of the room, a string tied to the trigger.
Angela dusts off her hands.
Angela: Okay, Mr. Robber. Just walk through that door and prepare to meet your maker. There's no way you're gonna...
The man enter the room through a door on the opposite end of the room.
Angela: OH HELL'S BELLS!
Man: You're coming with me.
Angela: Wait! Hold on! (Backing up into a corner) Let's talk about this. Is it money you want?! I have all the money in the world!
Man: That's...actually really good. Now I really want you to come with me.
Angela: Crap! Why did I say that? Listen, you don't have to do this! Really! We can settle this like adults.
The Man feels the bash of a frying pan up against his head. Bob (behind him) drops the pan next to him.
Angela: Bob! You saved me!
Bob: Yes I did!
Angela: Let's go home!
Bob: Really?!
Angela: No, we have work to do. I just got caught up in the moment. Basement, mister!
Bob: Hmph.
Meanwhile, Barbara is glaring down at Peter.
Peter: Howdy Miss. Just testing these comfy coffins! I'll just be getting out now and...
Barbara: Didn't I kill you earlier?
Peter: ...That would be a negative.
Barbara: Okay, great. I just wanted to make sure...the more fun it will be killing you now.
She pushes her palms forward and blows up the coffin. Peter goes flying into Sylar and Ted standing nearby.
Sylar: OOF!
Barbara spins around and flings her arm, sending Nathan and everyone else in the audience flying backward. Matt gets stuck in a tree while Niki slams into a nearby tombstone. Sylar is crawling away as the hearse explodes.
Sylar: I JUST PAID THAT OFF!
Barbara is standing over Peter, forming the shotgun from the shrapnel of the hearse. Matt looks up and falls out of the tree.
Matt: Ow...
He starts to nod off.
Meanwhile, at Samuel Sullivan's Carnival.
Mohinder is going on about teaching sciency things to people.
Kid: This is so boring! Can't we go ride something?
Mom: Yes, Billy, let's get far away from this place.
Mohinder: Where are you going?! Come back! I'm not done filling your inexperienced heads with all my useful research! Hmm...at least Matt and Niki heard me out before praising my vast knowledge of everything in the universe.
Mohinder turns around to see Matt standing there.
Mohinder: GAH!
Matt: What the...
He looks around.
Matt: Am I dead?
Mohinder: Matt! What are you doing here?!
Matt: Well...I was at Barbara's funeral...
Mohinder: Barbara!? The crazy woman who attacked us? Her funeral! It's today?! I completely forgot...well...I've been busy fulfilling my dreams and whatnot.
Matt: I don't know how I got here but we got to get back. Let's go!
Matt reaches over to grab Mohinder's shoulder and phases through him.
Matt: Uh...
Mohinder: …!
Matt: Okay, one of us is dead. Which is it?
Mohinder: I don't understand. You said you were at the funeral...and then you are here. It can't be teleportation.
Matt: I mean, I was trying to tap into one of the many things you told us over the years...but I forgot...didn't try to remember...wasn't listening. That sort of thing.
Mohinder: And I was just thinking of you and Niki just now...since you can read minds...maybe...I...summoned you here...sort of.
Matt: Summoned, eh? I like the sound of that.
Mohinder: Since we were both thinking about each other at the same time. With your ability we were able to share a link, tap into my brain and take my knowledge of your appearance to appear in front of me.
Matt: You lost me after summoned.
Mohinder: So...what is the problem? What happened to Barbara? Is she dead?
Matt: No, she kidnapped us and Peter got involved and he's about to die and Sylar and Ted are running the place and they're so gonna get fired. Niki was saying some crap about Jessica and I'm just stressed out because I don't even want to be at this funeral and I'm missing Adventure Time and...
Mohinder: I wonder...what if Barbara is Tracy's Jessica? Barbara is dead and is living out through Tracy's body, like Jessica before. Jessica was equally as violent.
Matt: Niki mentioned she hasn't though about her in a long time. Which is always good, I don't need any of that whole "being thrown off a roof" thing. Though being thrown in a tree was equally unpleasant.
Mohinder: You have to convince Tracy to accept Barbara's death. And fight to keep control over her. Niki was able to do that...so can she.
Matt: I will...and seriously...get out of this stupid carnival!
Mohinder: I can't...I still have work to do.
Matt feels himself waking up back at the Cemetery. He fades away.
Mohinder: Looks like I'm back to work.
Someone jumps behind him and chloroforms him. He is slowly lowered to the ground by D.L.
Micah: Dad, don't you think that was a little extreme?
D.L: Nah, he was going to put up a fight. I could tell. We're running low on time here. Let's get moving.
They run off as Samuel watches them. Stephen Kring, the mysterious writer, comes up next to him.
Samuel: No! I'm calling you just...Stephen. We're really trying not to get sued here!
Stephen: S.K will suffice.
Samuel: Just initials? Okie dokie. Whatever! Do you got this?
S.K: Yes.
S.K whips out his book and writes something in it. D.L and Micah slam up against an invisible wall as the both of them with Mohinder fall to the ground.
Samuel: Excellent. Now just bring the Doctor back and kill the others, or make them join us.
S.K: I only control the game...I do not control the players.
Samuel: What does THAT mean!?
S.K: Time and Environment are built and meant for adaptation and change. People are free to use their own will. For changing that will can send you to the darkest of places. I will hinder them, but I will not harm them or change their will.
Samuel: …...I don't see us being friends outside of work.
Elle opens her eyes.
Elle: Am I dead?
Noah: No. The cable snapped and the trolley slammed up against the mountain. Now get up, we're going to have to climb the rest of the way.
Elle: Ah man...I suck at climbing ropes.
Flashback to her younger days.
Teenager Elle: I have to climb THAT?!
Coach: Yes! Now MOVE!
Teenager Elle: But I suck at climbing ropes.
Coach: Climb the rope or climb the rope while we pelt you with dodge balls.
Teenager Elle: UGH! School Problems!
Elle walks up to the rope and looks up to the ceiling.
Teenager Elle: You got this Elle. It's just you...and the rope. You have the skill. You have the determination. You will triumph. Just go...and succeed. Confidence! Confidence! Confidence! Take a deep breath. And just...do...it.
Elle takes a huge breath...and reaches for the rope.
Later, outside of the school which is currently burning to the ground.
Elle: Whoopsie!
Coach: Oh my god, the roof is caving in!
Elle: Now's my chance!
Elle runs back in the school and notices a chunk of the ceiling on the ground with the rope attached. Elle picks up the rope where it meets the ceiling block.
Elle: I DID IT!
Elle turns back to Noah.
Noah: …..Climb the damn cable.
Elle: grumble...grumble...
They both start to climb the cable as the trolley detaches and falls down the mountain.
Elle: ICK!
Noah: See? THIS is why I don't let you tell stories. Another minute of that flashback we would have been dead!
Elle: You're just jealous I'm better at telling stories than you. SNAP!...Notice I don't physically "snap" because I will lose my concentration and fall. So I said it.
Noah: Way...to go?...
Elle and Noah reach the top of the mountain. In front of them is a giant cave.
Elle: Is...this where the trolly ends? Do many people visit this cave?
Noah: I'm starting to think nobody rides the trolley.
Elle: Let's venture on inside.
Elle and Noah enter the cave and find a bearded man sitting by a fire.
Elle: Are you the...
Bearded Man: SILENCE!
Noah: Wow...breath...
Elle (to Noah): Thanks for not saying anything first and totes getting me in trouble, jerk face!
Noah: Are you...The Blacksmith?
Bearded Man: Yes...you may call me Soap.
Elle (to Noah): Did he say call him "Soap" or get him "Soap"? I can't hear a thing because my ears are 98% clogged. Seriously...to the max.
Noah: Ew...
Soap: I've been expecting you...Ella and Noel...
Noah: Actually its...
Elle: I LOVE IT! Ella! It's so...Princessy! I'm Ella Bishop...of the Odessa Bishops.
Soap: You must be money rich.
Elle: So money rich!
Noah: ….
Elle: This is Noel...he sucks.
Noah: EXCUSE ME?!
Soap: You have come to prepare your Horned Rimmed Glasses of yore...
Noah: Yes. These glasses are very important to me.
Soap: I will give you the kit to give to your grandmother...on one condition.
Noah: ...Uh...huh?
Soap: The girl.
Noah: Hm? Oh yeah...You can kill her.
Elle: HEY!
Noah: I mean...kill her, eat her, wear her as a coat, she's yours. I really need those glasses!
Elle: DOUBLE HEY! Don't make me zap you back to the stone age, Blindy!
Soap: ENOUGH! You are not entirely incorrect.
Elle: Say what now?
Soap: Upon first laying eyes upon that vision of beauty. I must...have one date with you. Please. For one old bearded man's last wish.
Elle: Well...I am drop dead gorgeous. I'll do it!
Noah: WHAT?!
Elle: I will fill this stinky old dying man's wish. We shall go on a date. I'm honkerin' for some never ending pasta bowl down at the Olive Garden. Yeah...I'm kind of a regular there...it's only where the coolest richest kids hang out.
Soap: We will eat here. I do not approve of the outside world.
Elle: Oh...Kinda having second thought. Quick, Mr. B! Let's swap heads while he's not looking!
Soap: You! (Points to Noah) Hunt us some food and I will prepare it.
Noah: Hunt food!? We're on the top of a snowy mountain! What animals are going to be up here?!
Soap: Not my problem. Now go.
Elle: You heard the old fart. Now scat!
She kicks Noah in the butt.
Noah: AHH!
Hiro walks into the Cafeteria of the Prison and sees Claire. He sits down across from her.
Hiro: Claire.
Claire: Hiro.
Hiro: I think this silly rivalry has gone on long enough.
Claire: I agree.
Hiro: You really want out of here...and I really want to stay.
Claire: That is the consensus.
Hiro: I mean...did you really have to buy the Dean a car?...That's a little extreme. Talk about brown nosing.
Claire: A car whose gas tank you filled with sugar.
Hiro: Sugar that was left over from those stupid brownies.
Claire: That you poisoned.
Hiro: From the poison collection you rounded up for poison awareness week.
Claire: Just salvaging what I could from the Float you burned to the ground during the Poison Awareness Parade.
Hiro: I had to do something with the flames you were making Smores with.
Claire: Oh, you mean the Smores made with MUD instead of Chocolate? Thanks for that.
Zach: You guys.
Claire and Hiro: What?
They see Zach and Ando standing there.
Zach: We're free to go.
Claire: FINALLY!
Hiro: What?! But why?
Zach: Everyone's sick of Claire being a goody goody.
Claire: A Whaty? Whaty?!
Zach: Yeah, its getting on peoples nerves.
Ando: They loved your antics, Hiro!
Hiro: Of course, it's good to be bad...wait...no its not! GASP! I'm...I'm...a Villain?!
Claire: ….Pretty much.
Hiro: I can't believe I fell off my path to honor and righteousness.
Claire: I...wouldn't call whatever you were doing pre-prison that...but whatever.
Hiro: I have to make this right. I may have ruined my path...but I won't ruin the paths of the young minds that need to be molded.
Claire: That's the spirit...can we go now?
Hiro: Yes. Let's join hands.
Hiro puts his hand forward. Zach, Ando and Claire join in.
Hiro: It's time to save the world!
Zach, Ando, and Claire disappear. Hiro is still in the prison.
Hiro: After my Hot Rock Massage.
Hours later, Claire storms in the massage room, grabs Hiro and drags him out.
Hiro: WAHHH!
Back on the mountain. Noah drags a Deer in.
Elle: You hunted a Deer!? Way to go, Mr. B!
Noah: I am an amazing hunter.
Earlier, Noah gets off his phone as an airplane flies over the mountain, dropping off a box.
Noah: Thanks, "Pre-Hunt!"
Noah sings the jingle.
Noah (singing): "We put the "Fun" in "Hunt" if you swap the "H" with an "F" and take out the "T" and then you add the "Pre" with that you get "Pre-Hunt"!
Noah starts walking back.
Noah: Whoever thought of that jingle needs to be shot...wait a minute..."Pre-Hunt" doesn't have a jingle. Then where did I get that?
Noah gets shot out of nowhere.
Noah: OWWWW!
Flash forward.
Noah: So...eat it and lets boogie.
Soap: I have to cook it first, then we will dine...my sweet.
Elle: Such the smooth talker.
Noah: You're not seriously considering this guy, are you?
Elle: Mr. B, he's an old man exiled to this stupid cave. Let him have his dying wish then we can go about our lives.
Noah: Just make it quick.
Elle and Soap eat their dinner, then they dance. He drops to one knee.
Elle: He's about to croak, Mr. B! Get our things!
Soap: Elle...this one evening. You made me the happiest man on top of the mountain.
Noah: Oh brother...
Soap: Elle...will you marry me?
Noah: UH...
Elle: So soon...I don't know...what is a girl to do?
Noah: UHHHHH...
Soap: Say yes...and this ring, encrusted with the heart of the mountain...will be yours.
He shows her the ring, encrusted with a large ruby.
Elle: HOT DAMN I'LL SAY YES!
Noah: ELLE! You can't be serious!
Elle: I am. Wait for me, my love. Me and this weirdo...that one (points to Noah) right over there...we have to go heckle an old woman to make some glasses and then capture a dangerous Carny...but then I'll return, and we can start our new lives together.
Noah: Oh for the love of...can we have the damn kit now?!
Soap: Here you go. Take it. I will wait for you, my love!
Elle: I will be back. (To Noah)...Let's roll.
Back at Grandmother Bennets. Elle kicks in the door.
GMHRG: WHAT THE?!
Elle: Okay, Granny, we got the goods, now make with the glasses. Pronto!
GMHRG takes the kit and immediately puts a pair of Horn Rimmed Glasses on the desk.
Noah: …..uh...
Elle: I'm confused. You already had glasses!?
GMHRG: Yes, dear. I told a little white lie, this isn't really a glasses kit. It's more of a...ear hair removal kit.
Elle slowly turns to Noah.
Later, Elle and Noah drive away from her burning house.
Noah: I can't believe...
Elle (admiring her ring): Did I...or did I not say what would happen...
Noah: Yeah...I guess. Man, I'm going to get it at the next Bennet Family Reunion.
Elle: OOH! If Claire bails can I be your backup Claire?! I love Family Outings. And I can show off my new fiance!
Noah: No! We've been over this. You can't pass for Claire.
Elle (impression): But DAAAAD! You never let me live my life and things...ugh...POM POMS!
Noah: …...we'll see.
Elle: Yes! Okay...now I need to get started on the wedding plans. Ooh! Here's a good place for a reception...jot down this number.
Elle stops and takes a closer look at the book.
Elle: Um...That's our work phone.
Noah looks over at the book. Him and Elle exchange puzzled looks.
Angela and Bob are strapped inside their chairs of the time machine.
Angela: This is it. Are you ready?
Bob: I guess.
Angela fires up the time machine.
Bob: Do you even know where you're going?
Angela: …...The future.
Bob: Um...that DOESN'T NARROW IT DOWN MUCH!
Angela: We'll know when we get there.
Bob: Great...
The man busts in wielding a baseball bat. The time machine emits an explosion that sends the man flying backward up against a wall, knocking him out. Angela and Bob are no longer in their chairs.
Back at the Cemetery. Barbara is about to shoot Peter. Matt gets up on his feet and walks toward Barbara.
Niki: Matt! What are you doing?!
Matt squints his eyes and tries to get inside her head.
Matt (in her mind): Barbara...turn around. Do not shoot Peter. I need to talk to you.
Barbara turns to Matt. She rests the shotgun on her shoulders.
Matt (in her mind): Barbara...I want to help you...aaand you really want to kill me. Oh wow! The hate that's running through this woman's brain. Oh my!...So many dark feelings! I can't...control...
Niki runs up and slaps Matt in the face.
Matt: Thanks for snapping me out of it Niki, I almost lost it there.
Niki: Hm? What are you talking about. I just wanted to slap you.
Matt grabs her hand.
Matt: Come with me Niki. We're going to go...inside Barbara's head.
Niki: Oh HEEELLLL no! The last time we went on one of your inner body adventures we almost died in Mohinder's stomach!
-Flashback-
The Magic School Bus is currently sinking while deteriorating in Mohinder's stomach acid. On the bus, Matt (dressed like Mrs. Frizzle) tries to calm the children down.
Matt: Calm down children. I'll get us out of this mess. Through the power of LEARNING!
Niki: Dammit, Matt! Thanks to your stupid stunt all these innocent children and me (the most innocent of them all) are going to be sent into Mohinder's digestive system. Oddly enough still more entertaining then having a conversation with him...but you're still in trouble, Mister!
She looks around.
Niki: Who are these children anyway?!
Matt: It was the only way I could get the bus.
Niki: And their parents were okay with this?!
Matt: Oh, if anybody asks. You had 29 children.
Niki: YOU KIDNAPPED THESE KIDS!?...OH MY GO...Wait...all these kids are around the same age! I wouldn't have had them all at once, you fat head!
Matt: It was a beautiful litter! (he wipes away a tear).
Niki: I'll litter you! Get us out of here, NOW!
Matt: Will do. Let's pull some of these levers and WORK THAT FRIZZLE MAGIC!
Matt pulls a lever back and forth, as the door flings open and closed, splattering acid on Niki.
Niki: AHHH! STOP THAT!
Matt: Okay, I found the problem.
Niki: What is it?
Matt: This is just an ordinary school bus.
Niki: Of course it is...
Niki ends the flashback as her and Matt are in an empty room.
Niki: Oh my god! We died in the Flashback! I KNEW IT!
Matt: No, Niki. We're inside Barbara and/or Tracy's mind.
Up ahead they see Barbara/Tracy sitting alone in a chair.
Niki: No chairs for us?! RUDE!
Matt walks up to her.
Matt: Who are you?
Tracy: My name is Tracy Strauss.
Matt (to Niki): It's Tracy!
Niki: DUH!
Matt: Tracy. Look over there...it's a mirror.
Tracy stands up out of her chair and walks over to the mirror with him.
Matt: I know EXACTLY whats going on here.
Niki: Shut up! No you don't!
Matt: Look inside this mirror, Tracy.
Tracy's reflection shows Barbara. Surrounded by an aura of multiple elements.
Matt: Just like Jessica, Niki had to accept her sister's death and revert control of her persona deep within her subconscious.
Niki: You're starting to sound like The Nutty Professor.
Matt: I got inspired because we just had a chat like, 2 seconds ago. He seems to be doing well at the carnival.
Niki: WHAT!?
Matt: The problem is...is that Niki suppressed Jessica too much...to the point where she forgot about her. And this repression backfired upon you at the time of your other sister's death.
Niki: Oh, so its MY fault. And that makes zero sense by the way.
Matt: Jessica...in Niki's subconsious. Represents her ability for physical strength. Barbara to you...represents your ability for mental strength. If you can fight it, and subdue Barbara into your subconscious, but not repress her...you can be even more powerful then you can possibly imagine.
Niki: UH! Barbara has like...every power on the show. If she becomes a series regular we're all out of jobs, you know!
Tracy: I think...I think I can accept her death...and welcome her into my memory. She no longer has control over me.
Matt and Niki fall through a trap door.
Matt and Niki: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Niki: I WASN'T READY FOR THAT! I JUST GAVE MYSELF HICCUPS! HIC!
Matt and Niki appear back in the graveyard before Barbara.
Tracy: Niki...I...I think I'm going to be okay.
Niki: That's a relief. Sister hug!
Tracy's arms immediately catch on fire. The fire then suddenly freezes into solid ice.
Tracy: That was unexpected.
Lightning strikes the ice and shatters it.
Tracy: AHH! What's going on?
Niki shoots a look at Matt.
Matt: Hey, at least she's not trying to kill us anymore. So...
Niki: I guess...
Matt: Still waiting for that "Thank you"...-ahem-
Niki: ...grumble...thanks...or something...grumble...
Matt: I'll take it!
Sylar, Ted, and Peter walk up. They are then joined by Daphne, West and Nathan.
Peter: Well, I'm glad that's over.
Matt: It's not over yet Peter. Tracy seems to have gained the ability to pretty much have...all the abilities on the show.
Sylar: WHAT!? And I can't get one!? Forget it! I'm out!
Sylar walks away from the group.
Sylar: I'm going back to my dead end job.
Ted: I have one of those!
Ted follows him.
Matt: But...this doesn't to seem to be a huge problem.
Niki: IT'S NOT!?
Matt: Nah, she's going to have problems controlling them. Something we'll touch on in a later episode...so our jobs are safe!
Niki: That's just sloppy!
Matt: But we have bigger issues at hand. We need to go save Mohinder! To the Carnival!
Tracy: Guys! I think I just opened a portal that can take us straight to the carnival! Let's go through it.
Niki looks at Matt (who just got off the phone).
Niki: And...
Matt: The producers are not pleased. I'll make sure she's nerfed by the end of the story arc.
Niki: Good.
Nathan: Hey...Where's Daphne?
West: She mentioned something about "Portals being for the weak, so she hoofed it".
Niki: Whatever. Let's just go.
Peter, Nathan, Tracy, West, Matt and Niki go through the portal.
Finally, back at The School. Claire, Hiro, Ando and Zach are walking down the hall.
Claire: Well, it's good to finally be back here.
Hiro: Yes. I really lost my focus. I really think if we could go out in the world. Round up people with special abilities. We can make a difference. We can change the world!
Claire: And I'll help too!
Hiro: You already are helping. You're the School Nurse.
Claire: No, forget that. I'm going to be a teacher.
Zach and Ando: Us too!
Hiro: Allright. Let's make this the best school year ever!
Hiro opens the door to a room full of students. Teaching the class is Edgar and Lydia.
Hiro: UHHH...
Lydia: You guys should go ahead and take your seats.
Edgar finishes writing his name on the chalkboard with a knife. The students cover their ears.
Edgar: Class is in session...
Hiro and Claire exchange dumbfounded looks.
To Be Continued.