The Heroes Parody Project
Season 5
Chapter 8
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright its creator, Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, know or represent any of the cast or crew. This fan fiction is written purely for entertainment purposes only so please don't sue. Reader Discretion is advised.
Matt Parkman raises a glass and clings it with a fork...a little too hard. The glass is unscathed.
Matt: Hmm.
Matt slams the glass on the side of the table, shattering it.
Matt: Welcome cast and crew to my lovely home. I would like to take some time out to congratulate our little show to making it to 100 episodes!
Everybody golf claps.
Matt: Here's to the next 100!
Matt tries to take a drink.
Matt: Oh...that's right.
Niki: Matt, would it have killed you to have this little shindig somewhere other than your tiny house?!
Matt: But we have so many memories here. Roll that beautiful bean footage.
Mohinder: I...don't know what happened to the clip reel.
Niki looks over to the fireplace.
Niki: Heh, heh, heh..haahh...hack! COUGH! COUGH!...HACK!...ugh...stupid non-ventilated house!
Matt: Oh, well, we still have the next best thing. My razor sharp memory. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Claire (to Peter): Isn't this where we normally do the Previouslies? He's seriously going to try to cram a clip show into here?
Peter: That's okay, if we go over into Blindspot's time slot I had your body tattoo'd just in case...I don't think anybody will notice.
Claire notices her entire body is covered in tattoos.
Claire: GAH! When did that happen!?
Peter: Yesterday? I'm surprised it took you this long to notice it.
Claire: You had me tattoo'd without my consent?! What the hell?! Did you forget we have a tattoo lady on the cast?!
Peter: ...oh yeah.
Chapter 8 'Previously On Heroes'
Mohinder begins his monologue.
Mohinder: What is life?...Why are we here?...Why do we dream?...Is this our purpose?...Every day we live life not knowing what it's all for. But we don't take time to think about our reasons for being…..we just 'live'….that's why we've been put here, right?...If that's the case, tell me…..Why 'are' we here?...What is the meaning of it all?...
Guy: Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to eat my lunch here. I can't concentrate with you blabbing on about philosophical crap. Who are you talking to anyway?
Mohinder (sitting next to some guy at Wendy's): I'm not bothering anybody. Go back to eating your sandwich.
Guy: Hmph!
Mohinder: What is the meaning of life?...What is the meaning of love?...Why are we so determined to answer life's many mysteries…..when we our mysterious ourselves….
Guy: Seriously! Dude, I really want to finish my lunch!
Mohinder: You know what? You are being extremely rude! Me and my sexy voice are trying to finish one of my universal monologues which are crucial to the plot! And you are just…..ruining everything! Good day to you sir!
Mohinder gets up and walks off, he then returns to the table.
Mohinder: You know what? I'm not going to let you finish your french fries!
Guy: But I just had them 'Biggie Sized!'
Mohinder: Good!
He swipes them and storms out.
Matt: That Mohinder sure is nuts!
Claire: Hey, does anybody remember when I tried out for that commercial?
At the Bennet House, Noah and Sandra were sitting on the couch. Claire walks in with some man.
Noah: Uh…..
Sandra: Oh, hello Claire. Who is your much older friend?
Claire: This is Tom; he's a part of the Talent Agency.
Noah: Here we go…..
Sandra: What is this about?
Claire: Tom saw me walking down the street and offered me a gig as a spokes model for Prissy Girl Razors….
Tom: Yes. We'll have Claire dress up as a cheerleader in the commercial, that way we can use this tagline…..Shave The Cheerleader…..Shave The World…..with Prissy Girl Razors!
Noah: That sounds completely inappropriate.
Claire: ...Was that it?
Matt: Yup.
Claire: I thought there was more footage than that. Okay then.
Molly Walker approaches Matt.
Molly: I actually have a memory. Does anybody remember all the horrible child endangering situations Matt put me through during the beginning of the show?
Matt: Uh...not really...
Molly: I'm surprised I made it out of the first season alive! You seriously don't remember?
Matt: Hmm...
Matt: Molly! Lunch is ready!
Matt is making her a turkey sandwich.
Matt: Okay, where is the mayonnaise?
Matt reaches across the counter and accidentally grabs a bottle of Elmer's Glue, which for some stupid reason was placed right next to the jar of Miracle Whip.
Molly sits at the table opening up her can of Root Beer which Matt accidentally dropped 45 times before serving it to her. The can explodes in her face, sending her flying across the room. CRASH!
Mohinder (to Matt): Did you lose the map?
Matt: We had a map!?
Mohinder: Ugh…..This is just great; we're lost in the jungle…
Matt: Hmm….Molly, do you have a map?
Matt turns around as Molly gets picked up and carried away by a Bald Eagle.
Mohinder Suresh, Matt Parkman, and Molly Walker exit their flight and make their way to baggage claim.
Matt: Aw man, I hate it when the airline writes crap on my things.
He picks it up and tries to wipe off the writing. He accidentally bumps into Molly, who falls onto the conveyor belt.
Mohinder, Matt, and Molly arrive at the house of their client, one who just might have….extraordinary abilities.
Matt: We should be careful, this guy could be insane.
Mohinder: You always say that.
Mohinder walks up to the door as Matt stares off into space; completely unaware that Molly just got carried off by a wild pack of German Shepherds.
Matt stirs his cereal with his spoon, this time the letters forming:
MATT PARKMAN IS GOING TO DIE!
Matt: AHHHH!
He runs over and throws the cereal bowl out the window. –CRASH!-
Matt: Whew!
Mohinder: What is wrong with you?
Matt: Psychotic messages in my cereal.
Mohinder: I see.
Matt: Well, I'll go wake Molly up so she can eat some breakfast.
Mohinder: Oh, she already left for school.
Matt nods and looks out the window in horror to find Molly sprawled on the sidewalk lying in a pool of milk and Alpha-bits cereal.
Molly: And that was only in the first 3 episodes?! How are you not in prison yet?!
Matt: ...The...cat's in the crade with the silver spoon?...Does that make any sense?
Molly: No!
Matt: Ah, nuts.
Elle: Fast Forward to when the show really starts...with my fabulous entrance.
In the middle of Times Square...a Bomb Squad Member approaches a lone duffle bag in the middle of the street. It starts to unzip itself. The Bomb Squad Member points his gun at it as Elle emerges...a spotlight shines on her figure.
Elle: Totally in the buff and riddled with awesome ink! Pose!...Pose!...Pose!
Noah Bennet bursts through the doors.
Noah: Explain yourself, sister!
Elle: I think YOU need to explain yourself. How do you explain THIS tattoo!
Elle shows Noah a tattoo of Garfield the cat eating a Lasagna.
Noah: ...
Elle: Hmm? Oh, sorry...right above it.
Right above the Garfield tattoo reads:
NOAH GENEVIEVE BENNET
Noah: GASP! How did I not notice that!?
Hiro: Wait a minute...isn't this just that Blindspot show?
Ando: Mr. Bennet's middle name is Genevieve?
Peter: Oh, that's right...we already filmed the Blindspot scene in case we went over on time...which happened 20 minutes ago. Oh boy...
Claire: You're telling me I didn't have to get dolled up in all these ridiculous tattoos! I look like the Sunday Comics!...
She looks around her side.
Claire: THESE ARE the Sunday Comics! And whoever thought it was funny to put Cathy near my rear end yelling "ACK!" is definately getting a fresh face punch.
Hiro: OOH! Remember when we all celebrated our first "Hero-Ween"?
Niki: I told you to stop saying that stupid name!
Hiro: And we were all in that horror movie...dressed up as characters...and everyone died except for Niki.
Niki: I think I recall getting crushed by a train.
Hiro: I rememer it like it was yesterday.
Niki wakes up, surrounded by people dressed in costumes. She looks down and realizes she is dressed as Wonder Woman.
Peter (Superman): Hey, Niki. You having a good time?
Niki (Wonder Woman): Where am I?
Peter: What are you talking about? You're at the Halloween Party!
Hiro (Kensei): It's actually Hero-ween!
Niki: Didn't I tell you to stop saying that?
Peter: We have a lot of fun games going on. And then there's going to be a costume contest. Though it's obvious that Mrs. Bennet is going to win! She does every year….
Sandra (Paris Hilton, with Mr. Muggles in her bag): Okay, everyone, get ready, we'll be, like, starting the costume contest in about 10 mintues! It'll be hot and stuff!
Niki: I could've finished my life without witnessing that.
Nathan (Robin Hood): Niki.
Niki: Mr. Hood.
Nathan: You don't strike me as the type of person who comes to these things.
Niki: I have a feeling I was forced here against my will. By an idiot…..
Matt (Frankenstein): BOO! Hahaha…..
Niki: Speak of the devil…..
Matt: Uh, no, Niki. I'm Frankenstein…..sheesh, take a pop culture class.
Niki: Ugh!...And why am I Wonder Woman?...I would've much rather been Catwoman.
Elle (Catwoman): My ears are burning!
Niki: I'm not talking to you, Elle.
Elle: No, they're really burning! I accidentally lit them on fire! AHHHH! Mr. B! Help!
Noah (James Bond) walks up to Elle and floods her with a fire extinguisher.
Hiro and Ando (dressed as Neo from The Matrix) are talking in the kitchen.
Hiro: Ando….The Matrix…Seriously? Everybody's done that already!
Ando: It's Claire…..dressed like Season 1 Claire.
Claire (Cheerleader): No, I'm just a Cheerleader.
Niki: And who are you supposed to be, Mohinder?
Mohinder (Albert Einstein) Well, isn't it obvious?
Matt: Doc from 'Back To The Future'?
Mohinder: No, you fool! I'm the brilliant Albert Einstein. One of the most brilliant minds in the galaxy…..next to mine of course.
Noah walks over to Angela, who is helping herself to a Halloween cookie….before spitting it out.
Noah (James Bond): Angela…..
Angela (The Queen of Hearts): Noah, I didn't expect to see you here.
Noah: Of course I'm here, I gave you your invitation!
Angela: That's nice…..Move, peasants! (Swings away with her Flamingo Croquet Mallet)
Sandra: Lyle, dear, can you call everyone in here for the costume contest?
Lyle (an axe through his head): Sure, I guess.
Claire turns around and sees Sylar.
Claire: GASP!
She grabs a tray of cookies off the table then drops them.
Claire: GASP! Sylar! What are you doing here?!
Sylar (as Spock): Hello, Claire….
Claire: Spock, huh?
Niki gets up as the kitchen gets engulfed in flames. The house goes up in a fiery explosion that succumbs all the house guests.
Niki wakes up.
Niki: I can't explain it. I had a dream or something and we all died….but now I was able to prevent that. So we can get on with our lives now.
The group turns and finds Lyle on the ground in a pool of blood. Dead!
Nathan: There's an axe in his head!
Niki: I thought it was a novelty hat!
Sandra: I told him not to play with knives! He's grounded!
Hiro: Ando, have you actually….seen the Matrix movies?
Ando: There's more than one?
Hiro: Uh huh…..The second one is allright….but I'm going to make you watch….The Matrix Revolutions.
Ando: Shouldn't I watch the second one before watching the third?
Hiro: Nope. Just watch this one….then you'll change your tune about how much you love your precious Neo.
Hiro pops in the movie and hits play (on one of those prehistoric VHS players). And walks out of the room.
A few hours later.
Hiro: Okay, Ando did you enjoy….
Ando's face has melted off. DEAD!
Hiro: AHHHHH!
Sandra walks onto the balcony where a flood of Paparazzi is below.
Photographer: Look! It's Paris Hilton!
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
The flashing bulbs blind Sandra as she dizzily makes her way around the balcony, she trips over the railing and falls to her DEATH! (Splat!)
Mohinder: I got it! My Extraordinary Achievement For Being Extraordinary. To me…..Dr. Mohinder Suresh…..oh…..the fame….the notoriety…..I just love me and my brain so much…..ahhhh…..eeerrrrghh….eeekkk…..(cough, cough)…..bleehhhh…..
Mohinder falls back up against the wall and slides down onto the ground while everyone stares. Dead!
Noah: Poor man…..he just drowned in his own ego.
Niki: And I thought this couldn't get any stupider…..Behold! I was wrong…..
Angela: Okay, gather around….ante up…..dueces wild…..
She shuffles the cards as one flies up and slashes her throat, which Angela clutches as blood gushes out. She falls on the floor and DEATH!
Niki: ….hmm….Okay that one was almost as stupid as Mohinder's.
Hiro: This is awful! We're all going to die!
Niki: Calm down…..we'll be fine. If we can just keep a clear head….we can survive this.
Hiro: Okay, I'm going to put up my sword. (Walks away)
Niki: Watch out for Matt's Transformers.
Hiro jumps, trying to avoid them and trips….and falls…..and gets skewered with his sword.
There's a knock at the door. Everyone jumps to their feet.
Nathan reaches down and grabs his Robin Hood gear. He aims his bow and makes his way towards the door.
Nathan: Who is it?
Nathan still has his bow aimed at the door which flies open, knocking into the bow making it backfire into Nathan's chest. Dead!
There's a sudden crashing noise, which startles Elle.
Elle: HACK!...HACCCK!...(cough, cough)…HACK! HACCK!
She falls over….Dead!
Niki: Did she just choke to death on a hairball?
Noah: I told her not to dress like Catwoman…
Niki: Matt?...Hey, moron…Where are you? Noah told us to stay….
She spots Matt in…..
Niki: Is that a walk-in microwave?...They have those?!
Matt combusts, blood splatters on the window.
Niki: Hmm….well, I'm certainly not going to clean that up.
Sylar: It's an earthquake!
Noah: Run!
They continue upstairs, the ground opens up on the first floor and half of the building tilts. Sylar loses his footing and falls over the edge, Claire catches him.
Claire: Sylar, I can't hold on…..
Sylar: Try holding on to more than my thumb, genius!
Sylar looks down to find that a portion of the building is upside down, and he is hanging over a ceiling fan going at high speed.
Sylar: How is there still electricity in this building!?
Claire slips, Sylar falls into the fan. A fountain of blood sprays into the air…
Claire: …and all over my clothes! Gross!
Noah jumps over a fence and proceeds to head inside.
Noah: OOF!
Noah trips and lands on the ground, his top half submerged into the owner's pond.
Peter, Claire, and Niki look over the fence to see Noah, his head underwater.
Peter pulls up Noah's body, and the only thing left of his head is a bloody stump.
Peter: AHHHHH!
Claire: AHHHHH!
Niki: AHHHHH!
Peter: I think he's dead.
Niki: DUH!
Claire: Why are there piranhas in that pool!?
They run around a corner to find some girls during cheerleading practice.
Claire: I'd sell my soul to get on their cheer squad.
Sylar (The Devil): You rang?
Claire: Aren't you supposed to be dead?...And weren't you Spock?
Sylar: So I do both…you want to sell your soul or not?
Claire: YES!
Niki: This isn't going to turn out good.
Sylar: Sign here…..and there you go. Pleasure doing business with you.
Brittany: We changed our minds, you can be on top of the pyramid.
Niki: This'll be quick.
Claire is at the top of the cheer pyramid.
Peter: You know, I was thinking…if Claire doesn't have a soul….she doesn't have a mind of her own….which is the source of activating her power…so….
Claire falls off the pyramid and breaks every bone in her body…..and she's dead.
Niki: You got it. Let's go.
The two of them are driving along as the sun is coming up.
Niki: I was thinking….Halloween is over….maybe it was all just a one night curse. The sun is up, maybe we'll be okay after all….
The car dies from lack of gas.
Niki: WONDERFUL!
Peter: I'll push!
Peter gets behind the car and tries to push the car, but no luck.
Peter: ERRRRGH!
Niki (head out the window): Is that all you got? You make a crappy Superman!
Peter: This car weighs a ton!
Niki: Hmm….I guess I could put it in neutral, taking it off of park….and deactivate the emergency brake….and take my foot off the brake…..
Peter slips and slides onto the pavement.
Peter: AHH! I scraped my ankle!
Niki: Wuss! Get back in the car.
Peter: AHH! I'm bleeding! There's blood everywhere….it's so red….and bloody!
Niki: Peter, I don't have time for this.
Peter: Go without me….I'm….bleeding too much….eggh…..(Faints)
Niki looks out the window and sees Peter lying in a massive pool of blood.
Niki: Hmm….I don't see how that was possible….Hey, the car started! Maybe I can make it to a gas station.
Niki drives the car a total of ten feet before dying again. This time on top of a train track.
Niki: Well, if Driver's Ed has taught me anything it's that this isn't good. Oh well, I'll just walk.
The doors won't open.
Niki: Huh?! What?!...The doors are locked!
She unlocks them but they still won't open.
Niki notices a train coming.
She sees a sign reading 'This car has child security locks installed so doors can only be opened from the outside. These locks were installed in the driver's seat in the event your child steals your car.
Niki: Well, that's stupid!
The train crashes into the car….killing Niki inside…..
Niki: Anybody remember that clip show we had that would never end?
Claire: Remember when we all went to Space?
Peter opens his eyes, he feels weightless. He stands up, realizing he's above the others. He bends his legs and jumps forward.
Peter: Claire! Grab my hand!
Claire: Busy. Can't help you.
Peter collides against the ground.
Claire: Why is it so hard to make a hot dog?!
Claire grabs the ketchup bottle and squeezes; a stream of ketchup floats into the air. The hot dog weenie floats out of the bun and into the air.
Claire: Space sucks!
Claire: Oh, that's it? Okay, no more clips from me. Mine are all terrible.
Matt, Mohinder and Niki walk onto an elevator. It goes up a couple of floors and stalls.
Niki: Great.
Matt: Well, as long as we're stuck in this elevator...kind of reminds me of the time...
Niki: Wait...we're still not doing the show yet?! This has to be the longest previouslies yet...and why are we suddenly on an elevator? Weren't we just celebrating the 100th episode in your stupid house like 5 seconds ago?
Matt: Nope. Hey...this reminds me of that time I was kidnapped by that crazy woman who made me attend one of her Candlelight Suppers.
Matt is at a table, at a Candlelight Supper Hosted by Hyacinth Bucket.
Hyacinth: It's BOUQUET!
Hyacinth: Welcome! To one of my…..luxurious candlelight suppers. You…..will…..not…be…disappointed.
Matt: How can you say that? I've never tried your cooking. Though your coffee leaves a lot to be desired. It's mostly sugar, after all.
Hyacinth: Don't speak! This is where you clap.
Matt: Clap?
Hyacinth: Yes….clap. Applaud me. You are impressed.
Matt: I. Am. Impressed.
Matt claps once.
Hyacinth: No, you're not.
Matt: I. Am. Not. Impressed.
Matt claps once.
Hyacinth: Okay, we need to have a topical discussion.
Matt: FINALLY! Let's hit the beach!
Matt whips out a bottle of suntan lotion and starts rubbing it on his arms and face.
Hyacinth: Not Tropical, Topical. Current events!
Matt (smelling his arms): Hmm, that's probably for the best. This is a bottle of Betty Crocker Vanilla Cake Frosting.
Hyacinth: So, your country is having a Presidential Election. What do you think about that?
Matt is licking his arms.
Hyacinth: Please stop doing that.
Matt: Sorry….it's just…really delicious. (CHOMP!)….If only it didn't hurt so much.
Hyacinth: Okay, this isn't going to work either. Alright, I have one thing for you to do. Hopefully you have the mental capacity to NOT screw it up.
Matt: Absolutely! You have my complete divided attention.
Hyacinth: Uh huh….I need you to take these invitations and deliver them to my guests. I'd use the postal service but I'm much too afraid that they'd lose it.
Matt: I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What did you say about cake frosting?
Hyacinth: I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT CAKE FROSTING!
Matt: It's delicious!
Hyacinth: Take these and drop them off. I have to finish getting ready. If you're not back here in 20 minutes I'll detonate your collar. Now go.
Matt: Right!
Matt steps outside of the house.
Matt: Hey, how about that? I didn't blow up.
Matt runs into the street and gets hit by a car; he rolls onto the hood before rolling back off into the street. In the car….
Elle (driving): AHHH! What did I just hit?!
Niki: I think we found Matt.
Elle: Why does this always happen to me?
Noah: How many people have you hit?!
Elle: Oh, there was this one time I accidentally bumped into someone's car. And the Ambulance. And The Cop. And The Judge. And all twelve members of the jury at my trial. And The Prison Warden. And My Parole Officer. I'm actually not allowed to have insurance….or a driver's license…..or a United States citizenship. Elle Bishop isn't my original name.
Noah: Nobody cares! Can we see if he's alright!?
Niki: That couldn't have less to do with us being stuck in an elevator.
Matt walks into Molly's room and flicks on the lights.
Matt: Hey kiddo, were you having a bad dream?
Molly: Matt, I'm 19, I don't need you to come in here every time I have a bad dream anymore. I only need to worry about the daymares, which only tends to happen if you're involved with one of our adventures. That's what Niki always tells me anyway.
Matt: You kids grow up so fast. That reminds me of a story...
Molly: I really need to get to sleep. The school won't postpone our graduation for the sake of the plot forever, you know.
Matt: Remember Sylar?
Molly: Uh...yeah, he's still on the show after all. Something about a secret wedding planner operation out of The Company...I don't know.
Matt: He was prone to nightmares too...like this one in particular where a certain cheerleader named Claire...let's just call her Claire...was in a magical wonderland...let's just call it Wonderland.
Molly: Pretty sure the Disney Lawyers didn't want us doing this the FIRST time...
Claire, Peter, and Matt are continuing to walk through more forest. Mr. Muggles' head pops up out of nowhere!
Claire: AHHHH!
Peter: That's just the Cheshire Muggles….he's friendly….I think.
Claire: Cheshires are a type of cat…..that doesn't….forget it. Either way he scared the crap out of me.
Matt: He does that sometimes.
Muggles' huge head is staring at Claire, panting.
Claire: This is getting creepy….and he just drooled on my Cheerleader outfit! And why is there more pepper in my hair!?
Matt slowly puts away the pepper shaker.
Claire: I'm leaving!
Our Heroes run off to a small section of forest. What do we have here? There's a table, where a tea party seems to be taking place.
Sylar, The Mad Hatter, pops up.
Sylar: YOU!
Claire: Me?
Sylar: Well, it's good to see me in my own dream finally now that it's halfway finished!
Claire: I'm sorry Sylar, but you would have made a hideous Alice….
Sylar: You'll eat those words! Switch me clothes!
Claire: NO!
Sylar: Fine, then come join me for tea.
Claire, Peter, and Matt join Sylar, The March Hare (Nathan), and the Dormouse (Niki) for tea.
Niki: I wanted to be Alice!
Sylar: NOBODY IS PLAYING ALICE!
Claire: I've been Alice this entire time….so….I don't know what you are talking about.
Sylar: This is my dream, and I'm the star. Alice doesn't exist.
Claire (waving): YOO HOO! Right here!
Nathan: This tea is delicious….(He takes a bite of his cup)
Sylar: Now, it has come to my attention that I have read the script and do not get many more lines after this. So…I am the star of this dream….since it is my dream…and….we're changing clothes.
Sylar is in Claire's cheerleading outfit.
Sylar: This bra is a little tight.
Claire: This stupid hat is huge!
Sylar: Okay, what would you all like to drink? I have RC Cola and Zima.
Claire: I'll take tea.
Sylar: I don't have tea.
Claire: I thought this was a tea party?
Sylar: It is.
Claire: Where's the tea?!
Sylar: Foolish wench, I told you I don't have any tea!
Claire: ARGH!
Molly: Can I go to bed now?
Matt: No. This reminds me of that time I was stuck in a videogame.
Molly crams a pillow over her face and groans.
Matt walks into Micah's room.
Matt: Hey, sport! What's happenin?
Micah: Oh, hey Matt…I'm just messing around with this new game I picked up, 'Dungeon Slayer 4'. I'm not very good at it.
Matt: Dungeon Slayer?
Micah: Yeah…
Matt: How do you 'slay' a dungeon?
Micah shrugs.
Matt: And what is this…..? (He picks up a helmet of some sort)
Micah: Oh, that came with the game but I don't like it very much. It's kinda like a Virtual Reality thing, but it hurts my eyes. I don't mind just staring at the screen.
Matt: Ah…(devilish smirk)…...Can I try it?
Micah: Sure! I'm not making any progress.
Matt: Yay!
Matt puts the helmet on as Micah is typing some stuff on the computer.
Micah: Okay, you should be connected…..now.
Matt: Uh huh….whoa…
= = = = = = = = =LOADING= = = = = = = = = =
Matt is walking through a mystical forest.
Matt: Sword, check…..shield, check…..tunic….little too tight…but that's all good!
Micah: How is everything? You feel allright?
Matt: My eyeballs hurt….
Micah: Oh, that's normal…now, make your way through the forest, defeat the dragon, get the crystal, and try not to die.
Matt: Sounds easy enough….
Micah: So I have this rival, and he placed a virus through cyberspace that upon activation will destroy every videogame ever made, including future ones!
Matt: Go on….
Micah: This will kill you, because I can't just unhook you from the system cold turkey!
Matt: Go on….
Micah: Even my ability can't stop this, the virus is too strong. There is only one way we can win this game….
Matt: Go on….
Micah: There are 7 videogame worlds, in each one there is a precious artifact. If you can find them all and give them to Wilbur, my rival, he will admit defeat and you will be free.
Matt: Go on….
Micah: That's it.
Matt: Ah….but what if I fail…..
Micah: Videogames will be wiped off the planet forever, you will die, and all of humankind will plunge into a massive state of productivity.
Matt: This is worse than I thought!
-Mario World-
Matt and Mario are staring at the Evil King Bowser as he stands on the bridge over the pool of lava in front of the room where the Princess is.
Matt: Is that all he does is stand there?
Mario: No, he hops up and down and shoots fireballs.
Matt: Some people get the coolest powers….So what do we do?
Mario: Well, I would shoot fireballs back at him….but somebody ate my fire flower.
Matt: You shouldn't have let me put it on my garden salad….but for the record it was very delicious.
Mario: So, NOW….we have to hop over him and cut the line to the bridge, it will send him into the lava.
Matt: Then he's dead! YAY!
Mario: Well, until the next castle…
Matt: WHAT!?
Mario: He's in every castle!
Matt: WHAT?!
Mario: And the Princess will always be in another castle….
Matt: DOUBLE WHAT?!
Mario: Didn't you know that!?
Matt: Well, NO! Well this is just a waste of time….
Mario: Of course not! We beat him….we go to the next world.
Matt spots Bowser wearing something around his neck.
Matt: Gasp! The amulet!
Mario: How are you going to get it?
Matt: Just play along…..
Matt (in a high pitched, girly voice): Oh, Mario! Thank you for saving me…Princess Footstool!
Mario: TOADSTOOL!
Matt: Really?...I mean….(voice) Now we can run off and get married! Let me kiss you now you big hunk of man!
Mario (not impressed): Are you serious?
Matt: HEY! Don't be getting fresh, pal!
Mario: That's not what I meant!
Bowser is looming over them.
Bowser: What is going on here?
Matt: AHH!...Uh…..hey…..
Bowser: And by the way, that was the WORST Princes Toadstool impression I have ever heard!
Matt: Well, excuse me!...
He spots the dangling amulet, ripping it off Bowser's neck.
Bowser: HEY!
Matt: My job is done! Gotta run!
Matt takes off, Bowser if ever so pissed….
Mario: I sure am glad I have a lot more lives on hand. Mama Mia!
Bowser (fire breath): FWOOOOOOOSH!
Matt: Micah! Look! I did something productive!
-Tomb Raider World-
Famed Archeologist and Tomb Raider, Matthew Parkman Croft, is trying to find the lost treasure of Atlantis.
Matt walks up and grabs a torch, holding it up to some wall paintings.
Matt: These shorts are ever so tight! Who raids Tombs in these!?
Micah: The actual star of the game, Lara Croft…..I think she can pull them off better than you.
Matt: Whatever, I'm half the man she is!
Micah: Uh….nevermind..….
Matt: I can do this…..oooh! A health pack!
Matt bends down to pick it up (RIIIIIIPP!)
Micah: UH…..let's just restart the level.
-Mega Man World-
Dr. Light: Matt! Dr. Wily is going to destroy the earth!
Matt: Don't worry, I just took a shower. I'm ready for action!
Dr. Light: You did WHAT!?
Matt's suit rusts up.
-Pokemon World-
Ash: It's time to face off in ultimate Pokemon battle! Are you ready foe?
Matt: Let's do this!
Ash: I call 'Charizard!' (He throws down his poke-ball)
Matt: Go! Pikachu! (Matt slams his ball into the ground…WHACK!...nothing happens).
Matt: Uh…(He opens the Pokeball, horrified)…..Can I get another one? I broke mine.
Judge: Fine, but this is the last time!
-Resident Evil World-
Jill: Matt! The zombies are multiplying! We have to destroy the T-Virus and bring peace to the earth! At least until the next game!
Matt: Leave it all to me…..
Jill: Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Matt: Jill, I've seen Shaun Of The Dead, like….a thousands times….I'm kind of an expert in this field..…..sheesh….
A zombie reaches through the window and grabs Jill.
Jill: AHHHHH! MATT! HELP!
Matt: Stop screaming, Jill….it will only lure them to us!...Heh….Rookie…..
-Legend Of Zelda World-
Matt: ANOTHER kidnapped Princess!? Man, these girls sure are giving Royalty a bad name!
Ganon: I will destroy you, Matt! And with the tri-force power…I will destroy the world!
Matt: Eat boomerang!
Matt flings the boomerang.
Matt: EH!
It flops on the floor about a foot away from him.
Zelda: Uh…
Ganon: That was pathetic!
Matt: Can I get a do-over?
Ganon: NOOOO!
Matt: Well, somebody doesn't play nice…..
Matt flings his sword at Ganon, it hits him in the eye.
Ganon: AHHHHH!
Micah: That's not a ranged weapon! But it worked I guess.
Matt: Hurry Princess! We have to get out of here!
Zelda: We have to protect ourselves, he's shooting lasers at us!
Matt: Good idea!
Matt holds Zelda as a human shield and starts to book it.
Zelda: AHH! Not like that…..Grr….I liked the other guy better!
Molly: Weren't there 7 worlds you were supposed to go to? That was only 6.
Matt: Ah yes, but spoiler alert...turns out the rival tricked us in the end and we had to engage in an epic final battle with him to save...something.
Molly: The world from being plunged into productivity?
Matt: So you WERE paying attention!
Molly: I sure was!...Now get out of my room before I have Niki come and beat you up!
Matt: Okie dokie then.
Matt leaves.
Later that night, Matt, Mohinder and Niki were sitting at the house. Matt is finishing off his 100th episode cake.
Matt: We sure have been on a ton of crazy adventures over the years.
Mohinder: This is the first time I'm saying this...but I actually don't feel like I've gotten any smarter.
Niki: This isn't the first time I'm saying this...you haven't.
Matt: I wonder what the future has in store for us.
Niki: What happened to the elevator scene...was that going anywhere?
Matt: No.
Niki: Whatever, I'm still waiting to hear back from CSI so I can get off this show...even though all that's left is the Cyber one. I went in for a test run, something about how they found AOL's body floating in a motel pool and Yahoo was brought in for questioning...I don't know, it was weird.
Matt: Well, I guess all we can do now is remember the time Samuel Sullivan was plotting something sinister.
Niki: You mean...in the last episode?
Matt: Yup...which means...
Niki: What?! We're still doing the show tonight? All those clips took forever! We have to be running into the Local News by now! The affiliates will NOT be pleased.
Matt: I'll go get us some more 100th Episode cake...it's going to be a long night.
Matt grabs a piece of cake that has a portrait of the Earth in frosting.
Matt: End piece! Sweet!
===HEROES===
Peter Petrelli and Matt Parkman
Between the book's pages
Featured pick on this week's 'Reading Rainbow". #bucketlistfinished
Peter and Matt are in between the pages, the world is starting to fall apart around them.
Peter: When we last left our Heroes...
Matt: This is pretty strange...though oddly not the strangest thing I've had happen to me this week.
Peter: We better find a way out of here before we fall into the abyss.
Matt: I've always been against being trapped in the world of reading. Teachers always hated me when I was in school.
Claire Bennet
Hiro's School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry For Gifted Youngsters
Education-us Repell-us!
Hiro (to Claire): Are you ready Claire...this is your destiny.
Claire: Yes. This is what Peter saved me for. Now I must save the world.
Hiro: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I'm pretty sure it was me and Ando who saved you.
Claire: Uh...no it wasn't! Remember, you came back from the future and told Peter to "Save The Cheerleader, Save The World?!"
Hiro: I'm pretty sure I was just telling him that I was going to do that.
Claire: No you didn't!
Hiro: How about we go back and time and see it for ourselves!?
Claire: Let's!
Edgar: AHEM!
Claire: Hmm? Oh, right...revisting "that" past is the reason we're in this mess in the first place.
Ando: Anybody remember when I had red lightning powers?
Hiro: I don't remember that.
Ando: I did!
Hiro: Well, this I gotta see!
Edgar puts his head in his hands.
Elle, Noah, Sylar
The Company Mobile
Highway to Hell
The Van zooms by, on the way to the Carnival.
Elle: I love road trips. How about we play a game?
Noah and Sylar: NO.
Elle: I'll start. Let's play a letter game. You tap the tops of your legs, clap twice, and say something starting with A...then we go around one by one until we reach the end. Got it?
Noah and Sylar: NO.
Elle: Okay...I'll begin. (Pat) (Pat) (Clap) (Clap)...APPLE!
Noah: ...
Elle: ...(Pat) (Pat) (Clap) (Clap)...
Noah: ...Banana.
Elle: Now you're getting it!...Take it away, Sylar! (Pat) (Pat) (Clap) (Clap)...
Sylar: ...Cranberry.
Elle: YAY!...Okay...(Pat) (Pat) (Clap) (Clap)...Hmm...
Noah: You're hands aren't on the wheel!
Elle: ...Dewberry! (Pat) (Pat) (Clap) (Clap)
Noah: ...Eggplant...it's a fruit.
Elle: (Pat) (Pat) (Clap) (Clap)
Sylar: Franberry.
Elle: You guys are good at this!
West and Nathan are flying up above them.
West: She sure is swerving a lot down there.
Nathan: They must be playing that stupid letter game. We're much safer up here.
Micah and Niki Sanders
In The Taxi
These prices are so un-fare!...I'll see myself out.
Micah: Well, I'm glad that's over.
Niki: Me too...we saved ourselves...
Mohinder: ...And?
Niki: Yup. A job well done. Thought whatever Samuel was planning had to have not been good. Too bad I stopped caring right about...(checks her watch)...now.
Micah: It's not over. I have to get to Hiro Nakamura.
Niki: Oh boy, I feel a cancelled vacation coming on. Why?
Micah: Well...with everything going on I never had a chance to talk to anybody...but...I was visited...by our ancestors in the future.
Mohinder shoves Niki out of the way.
Mohinder: Fascinating! Tell me more.
Niki: You're one taxi cab toss away from being sent back to that Carnival, you dolt!
Micah: They came from the year 2244...and called themselves 'Generation 12welve'.
Niki: Generation "Twelve-Welve"?! What the hell kind of name is that?!
Micah: That's what I said! Anyway...in the future, people with abilites are being hunted down and are having their powers removed by "Bieber".
Niki: I'm sorry, come again?
Micah: Don't get me started on the name. Anyway...in the future, this group is led by...dramatic pause...Daniel Linderman!
Niki: Gadzooks!...(looks at her script)...You stupid writers! I have never said the word "Gadzooks" in my entire life! You were surely pay for this!
Micah: But something is different. I don't know if it was one of his ancestors...or him...but...younger?
Mohinder: I thought Linderman died because Hiro wasn't able to complete his mission in Genesis Redux?
Niki: Great Ceasar's Ghost!
Micah: ...
Mohinder: ...
Niki (on the phone with one of the writers): Yes, Tom! You know damn well I don't say "Gadzooks"...Well, what do you want me to start saying?...My usual catch phrase is "DAMMIT, MATT!" followed by a friendly love tap in the form of a punch to the face...I don't care if you have to rewrite the scene, just do it. I'm not buying my character...Oh, you want me to start say "Pasta Fazool"?! I'm not even Italian!...I worked one summer at Olive Garden? THAT'S your defense!?...I want my own catch phrase...Sure, we can keep "Dammit, Matt", but if I'm not in the scene with him, someone will have to punch him for me. It's in my contract...are we on the same page here?...Good...Hm?...Yeah...just pick me up a Turkey Club on Ciabatta bread...You can choose the chips, I don't care...actually, you know what? No, you suck at Chip picking. Jalapeno Kettle Chips...Why do I care if my breath smells, that's not my problem! Just get me the damn sandwich, Tom!...What do you mean you guys "suddenly" decided to go to Chick Fil' A!? You JUST asked me what sandwich I wanted. FINE! Get me nuggets...No, I don't want Taco Bell, do I look drunk at 2 in the morning? Get me the sandwich or the nuggets or die!
Niki hangs up, Micah and Mohinder and looking at her.
Niki: So...what's going on? Micah got picked on at school today?
Micah: Uh...no.
Niki looks at Mohinder: Hey...you pushed me. DAMMIT, MATT!
Peter spins around and punches Matt in the face.
Matt: OW!...Oh...dammit, Niki must have talked to the writers...
Peter: Sorry...it IS in her contract and all.
Matt: Yeah, I know.
Peter: So...we need to keep moving before we die in this book.
Matt: Didn't you get that guys' "Book Powers"? He came in here, right?
Peter: So...I can get us out!
Matt: Hooray!...AH! Peter! Help! I got tangled up in...A fruit that starts with the letter "T".
Elle: HA! HA! Noah loses!
Noah: THAT'S NOT FAIR! I had it on the tip of my tongue...it felt like it got ripped out of my mouth!
Elle: Still counts as a loss. Oh well, back to the road.
Sylar: I'm glad that's over, I was running out of Berries.
The van starts to shake.
Noah: What the?
Sylar: Hold on.
Sylar looks out the window.
Sylar: Yeah, we have a pretty bad flat...(he checks the other side). Actually I think all the tires are flat.
Noah (to Elle): I TOLD YOU not to go through that stupid Drive-Thru Broken Glass And Rusty Nails Museum!
Elle: Well, I don't hear YOU giving out any ideas on what to do on the trip. If I have to play one more of your stupid letter games...
Noah: WHAT!? THAT WAS YOUR IDEA!
Elle: And don't you forget it!
Noah: Ugh...
Lydia walks out of the school and up to Edgar.
Lydia: So...she's going to do it.
Edgar: Yes.
Lydia: Does she know...what will happen when she does?
Edgar: Sort of.
Lydia: When the world resets and the Canon Universe gets purged...how it left off will remain intact...everything...including mortality.
Edgar: I...didn't tell her that. She has the memories of old friends and loved ones dying in the original universe...I couldn't bring myself to put that on her shoulders.
Lydia: Even if you did...there's no time nor nothing she could do about it. All she can do now is fulfill her destiny.
Edgar: I wonder why Samuel was pushing for this...he wasn't trying to save the world.
Lydia: He lost everything in the Canon Universe...he wants to make sure to pay it forward.
Edgar: ...now we wait.
Zach (not too far off), overhears this. He makes his way back to Ando.
Ando: What's up?
Zach: Something bad is going to happen.
Ando: The Cheerleader is going to save the world!
Zach: Something like that...the world is going to change. When it happens, it'll be up to us to find each other...and then find Hiro.
Ando: Do we need to warn Hiro?
Zach: It's too late, they're already at the carnival by now.
Zach writes the words "Find Zach – Find Hiro" on his arm, then puts "Find Ando – Find Hiro" on his.
Ando: What's going to happen?
Zach: Just in case we lose our memories...this will remind us to look for each other and then team back with Hiro...I don't know what will happen when this all goes down.
Ando: Okay.
Zach: Now...all we can do now is wait.
He watches Lydia and Edgar walk off as a car pull up to the school. Micah, Niki and Mohinder get out.
Niki (to Daphne): Watch D.L.
Daphne: What, do flips? I'm not a babysitter.
Niki: Ugh.
The three of them run over to Zach and Ando.
Micah: Where's Hiro?
Ando: He took Claire to the carnival.
Niki: Lame! We just came from there...I'm not doing another rescue mission.
Zach: I'm glad you guys are here...something strange is about to happen.
Niki: What?
Zach: Those people from the carnival told her that she has to reenact falling off the ferris wheel. It's a long story but the world is about to be destroyed, she has to do this to...well, save it.
Mohinder: Amazing...it all makes sense now.
He shoves Niki out of the way and appraches Zach.
Niki: LISTEN YOU! IF YOU SHOVE ME ONE MORE TIME!
Mohinder: I have to know everything they told you.
TIME PASSES!
Mohinder: As I thought...I...felt like I've always known.
Niki: That this entire time we've had fabricated memories of an alternate universe and that Genesis Redux was the cherry on the crap sundae that's sending our worlds into a collision that will kill us all? You've known about this!?
Mohinder: Well...I was almost sure...I never make a hypothesis until I know the solution!
Niki: Then...it's not a hypothesis, you dum dum!
Micah: The universe can't end! I still have another plot to deal with! I have to get to Hiro and get to the future to save people with abilities!
Suddenly, out of nowhere, two hands reach out and grabs Micah by the shoulders...he gets pulled into a portal.
Niki: MICAH!
She manages to snag onto his shirt and gets sucked into the portal with Micah.
Ando: Whoa...
Mohinder: Well, this is indeed odd.
Between the pages.
Peter has his hands up against the wall.
Peter: Okay...put your hands through the portal and see what you can find...grab onto something. I'm having trouble figuring out what exactly I have to do to get us out of here.
Matt: Okay...here goes.
Matt reaches his hands through a portal.
Matt: Can't we just crawl through this portal.
Peter: It's not letting us out...do you have your arms through there?
Matt: Yeah...
Peter: Grab onto something.
Matt: ...Got something!
Matt grabs and pulls...Micah and Niki fly into the pages with them.
Peter: Well, that didn't work.
Niki: What happened!? Micah, are you okay?
Micah: Yeah...what in the world is this place?
Peter: Stuck between the pages of life...or something. We can't find a way out.
Niki: This...I can't even process this. We can't go back out the way we came?
Peter: Nope.
Matt: Well, Micah can stay...Niki, you're going to have to beat it. You're kinda ruining the boys club we have going here...you and your cooties!
Niki: Shut it. How are we going to get out of here...
Micah: Any chance this book leads to the future? Without Hiro...
Hiro appears.
Niki: GUH!
Hiro: Hey guys, I'm back...and...am completely confused!? Where am I?
Niki: The book of life or some nonsense...how did you get here?
Hiro: I dropped Claire off at the Carnival to Reenact the Ferris Wheel Incident and Save The World.
Niki: You left her there?
Hiro: Well...I kinda noticed myself there...a lot of us where there...It's not just reenacting, it's history repeating itself...Space Time didn't need anymore complications with me being there.
Niki: I guess.
Peter: Wait...she's exposing her powers to the world again?!...Now that I think about it...what happened after that?
Micah, Niki, and Hiro: Long story.
Matt: I love long stories!
Peter: What's going to happen when she reenacts the scene?
Micah: A new world will begin. But...Hiro, we need to find a way into the future.
Hiro: Huh?
Micah: Maybe this is connected. My anscestors came to visit me before we got caught up in the Carnival mess. In the future, people's abilities were exposed, and they were being hunted and had them removed by a task force, led by Linderman.
Matt: Daniel Linderman?
Niki: No, Weird Al Linderman. How many Linderman's do you know?!
Matt: I may know a few!
Micah: Maybe this new world was meant to happen...this future does exist...we have to save them. We have to go to the future!
Hiro: ...Back...To The Future?
Niki: I don't see how that reference applies.
Hiro: Where's Ando and Zach...?
Niki: Mohinder didn't make it either...
Niki pulls out some confetti and tosses it into the air while blowing on a party horn.
Hiro: Okay, I'll see if I can teleport out and get them.
Niki: Don't bring MORE people in here!
Hiro: ...Something's...not right...
Peter: What do you mean?
Hiro: I...can't teleport.
Niki: At all?
Hiro: No...I'm trying to teleport to this timeline...but...I can't...it's like it doesn't exist.
Niki looks at Peter.
Peter: It's already gone...
Niki: Wait! The world is gone already?!
Peter: I think so...the new world probably hasn't reset yet.
Hiro: I think I can still get us to the future though...while where there, I'll try to see about getting back. Where do we need to go?
Micah: The year 2244.
Hiro: Okay, everybody. Hands together.
Hiro, Micah, Niki, Matt and Peter put their hands together and grab hold.
Hiro: Ready...aaaand...Whoooooooaaa BUNDY!
Niki: ...
Micah: ...
Peter: ...
Matt: ...Wait? We were doing a "Whoa Bundy"?! Let's start over!
Hiro: No?...Okay, for realisies this time.
They all grab hands as Hiro teleports them out of the pages. The rest of the words from the pages start to collapse.
Back at the Carnival. Claire is on top of the Ferris Wheel. Below she sees Lauren Gilmore standing with Noah, Ando and Hiro, Peter and Sylar watching her.
Claire: ...
She takes a deep breath and looks over. She notices the horizon start to tear apart, floating upwards, spiraling into oblivion.
Claire: Here goes.
She takes the step...and goes over the edge. She falls...and stops a few feet from the ground.
Claire: ...Uh...
She looks up as the news reporters swarm her. She gets swallowed by a white light.
Claire: ACK!
Back at the school. Mohinder walks over to the Taxi cab. Daphne and D.L are gone.
Mohinder: This...this is...
He gets swallowed by the light.
Edgar is sitting in the hallway at the school, he looks over to see Lydia has dissapeared.
Edgar: It has begun...
He takes out his knives and starts sharpening them before the light takes over.
Back on the road to the carnival. West (while flying) looks over and doesn't see Nathan.
West: Nathan!?...
He gets on his intercom.
West: Guys?! We lost Nathan...
He looks down and see the van has wrecked.
West: What the?
West flies down and looks inside the wrecked Van. Noah and Sylar are unconsious, Elle has disappeared.
West (on his intercom): Tracy?
Tracy (on the com): I'm here? What's going on out there...I was looking for Ted who just vanished out of nowhere.
West looks up as he is engulfed in the light.
Many years into the future...Peter wakes up. He looks over to see Hiro, Micah, Niki and Matt all unconsious. They are in the middle of a run down city.
Peter: This...this is...We're in the future.
Peter looks ahead, not too far ahead of him on the side of a building reads:
End of Volume Nine
Volume Ten 'Futures'
Peter turns around to see a gun pointed at him. A masked guard is holding the gun while another one approaches.
Guard: What do you want do to with these?
Guard: Round them up...they all have abilities.
Peter: Huh!?
Guard: ...Let me see that one.
One of the guards pushes Peter toward the other guard. The guard takes her mask off to reveal herself to be Angela Petrelli.
Peter: ...MA!?
Angela: Well, it's about damn time you got off your lazy butt to see where your mother is! I could have been in a gutter somewhere, so thanks for waiting until the end of the volume to care!
Peter looks behind to see Bob Bishop take off his mask.
Peter: What is going on here?
Angela: ...We have work to do.
Meanwhile...in an unknown place.
Elle wakes up...she has sand in her mouth...
Elle: PI-TOO!...Bleh...
She looks around...surrounded by sand. Before her is a large, black vortex.
Elle: Where in the world am I?
Voice: ...You're dead.
Elle looks over to see Nathan, sitting next to her.
Elle: Nathan? What do you mean "I'm dead"?
Nathan: This is the line...between life and death...beyond that vortex over there...is...the beyond I imagine.
Elle: Why are we here?
Nathan: We're dead...We must have not gotten sent to the afterlife...yet.
Elle: Like hell! There's no way I'm dying yet...not before I can complete my bucket list and get my book as the featured pick on this week's Reading Rainbow!
Nathan: I wonder how many people passed through here...
Elle: Well, there's two of them that are not.
Nathan: Huh...what are you saying?
Elle gives a devilish smirk.
Elle: What else?...You and I are coming back from the dead.
Nathan: ...
To Be Continued.