Back to Where We Have Never Been

A/N: :)

Chapter 8

Kate let out a giggle, which sent Castle into a fit of laughter almost rolling onto his side from where he was sitting next to her on the floor of his office.

Dinner had ended hours ago. Martha had breezed out of the apartment soon after, disappearing to whatever engagement she was late for. Alexis had excused herself to go out and get coffee with some of her friends soon after, leaving the two of them alone in the dark, quiet apartment. Their backs leaning, side-by-side, on the black leather of the oversized chair and the mostly empty bottle of vodka sat on the floor between them.

"No, no," Kate began again, pausing to let out another small giggle. "I have a better one. I was arrested when I was twenty."

Castle jaw hung open as he turned, adjusting his body so he could look at her straight on, without craning his neck. He stared at this enigma of a woman beside him, so buttoned up and proper at first glance, but riddled with so many more interesting layers underneath. "What for?"

Kate bit her lip and ducked her head, lifting only her eyes to look at him as she let out another alcohol-induced giggle. "Underage drinking, public drunkenness and indecent exposure."

Castle gulped slightly and slammed back another shot to squelch the mental images creeping up into his head. He winced as the clear fluid burned its way down his throat and made a motion with his hand for her to continue. "I have to hear this story."

Kate tipped back the rest of her shot, taking a calming breath. She hadn't winced once and Castle was beginning to think that she had spent her time in Russia doing a lot more than just teaching and playing tourist. Especially since she had drank about twice as much as him and didn't seem to be nearly as drunk as he was.

"My friends and I were at this party, got completely wasted and decided it would be a fantastic idea to streak across campus. Needless to say, campus PD picked us up, wrapped us in blankets and locked us in the slammer until we sobered up."

Castle gaped at her. "Well, what happened?"

Kate shrugged. "I only got academic probation since I was a straight A student and on the board of a handful of student organizations. Plus, having lawyers as parents didn't hurt. They were able to get the charges dropped."

Castle nodded. "Impressive. Is that when you started on the straight and narrow, leaving your wild child days behind?"

Kate gave a small laugh and as she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, letting her hand rest on the side of her neck as her face grew a vacant slightly sad smile, like she was remembering back to who she used to be. "No, that's when I turned twenty-one the next week and just learned to keep my nudity more sober and less public."

Castle's breath caught in his throat as she pinned him with a teasing stare, her mouth curved up in an open smile, her tongue poking out between her teeth.

"You are a bad woman, but I got you one better."

Kate laughed again and poured herself another shot, sipping it slowly as her eyes flickered to meet his glassy ones. "Okay, hotshot, tell me your story."

"I was arrested for public indecency and unlawful obtainment of a law enforcement vehicle."

"You stole a police car?" Kate shot back, the disbelief strong in her voice.

Castle shook his head. "Nope. I borrowed a police horse."

"You stole a police horse."

"Borrowed."

"Naked?"

"Naked," he confirmed as Kate's eyes grew wide and she snorted in an attempt to hold in her laugh.

"Please tell me you were drunk at the time."

Castle shook his head. "Nope. Stone cold sober."

Kate shook her head slowly from side to side, her mouth still hanging open as she stared at him. "Why?"

Castle shrugged like it was the most common situation in the world. "It was spring."

Kate's red face, from where she had been holding in her giggles, exploded as she fell to the floor in a fit of laughter, rolling on her back as her laughs grew silent from lack of oxygen.

"That," she gasped after a moment, tears running down her face as she tried to catch her breath. "That was your excuse? Seriously? Oh my God."

She looked over to meet Castle's eyes, where he had fallen to the ground beside her, both of their bodies trembling with the occasional bout of laughter.

Castle let out another chuckle. "The case was thrown out. A perk of having the mayor as a friend."

Kate shook her head and reached for the vodka, which was sitting on the other side of Castle's chest. Her hair fell down around her face, the ends brushing over his mouth as she leaned across his body. He brought in a soft involuntary gasp and she paused, hovering over him. Their eyes locked for a moment as a surge of electricity passing through them. Castle's lips closed as he attempted to swallow the sudden dryness from his mouth and his eyes grew wide as they darted down to look at her slightly parted lips. Her face frozen above his, one hand bracing her on the ground as the other grasped the neck of the blue glass bottle.

Kate released the bottle and pulled back slightly, backing up until she was sitting, legs pulled up to her chest, back once again against the leather chair.

"I, um, I should go," she stuttered slightly, hand darting up to push back her hair. A nervous habit.

She rose slowly to her feet, steadying herself with the arm of the chair and the wall as she stumbled out of the office and across the living room towards the door.

Castle drew a hand over his face, wiping it down slowly over his features. He nodded his head slowly. Yeah, going home was a very good idea.

"Kate, wait," Castle called as he scrambled along behind her, the euphoric feeling of drunkenness quickly leaving his body as his brain struggled for comprehension. "Are you sure you're okay to leave?"

Kate pressed a hand to her forehead, attempting to fight off the sudden headache that had formed there. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just catch a cab."

Castle watched as she slung her purse over her shoulder and scooped up her heels with two fingers, not even bothering to attempt to walk in them. He hovered next to her for a moment, watching her as she looked everywhere except for his face, his eyes.

"I'll walk you down. Make sure you get a cab," he said softly, taking note of the way she took a step back when his arm reached out beside her to grasp the doorknob.

The elevator ride was quiet, a long series of painfully silent moments as two sets of eyes stayed glued to the series numbers glowing above the elevator doors.

The walk through the lobby was stressful and the hesitation by the curb: awkward.

The cab slid up to them with a crunch as the tires scraped along the curb and a slight squeal of the breaks, the rest of the traffic traveling down the street filling in as background noise.

"See you later?" Castle asked as he held open the door and watched her slide into the worn leather seat.

"Of course," she replied with a small smile, not quite reaching her eyes, which finally looked at his face.

"Kate," Castle started again as he leaned forward, his eyes darting to the front seat, the cabbie huffing when he failed to close the door right away. "You deserve better."

She looked up at him with a small, sad smile. One that he had seen too many times in the past few hours, one that he never wanted to see again. One that he would make sure he never saw if she were his.

Her voice was soft, full of doubt, hope, and reservation. "Good night, Rick."

He nodded slowly as he closed the door and waved at her through the window. "Until tomorrow, Kate."

Kate let out a sigh as she slid her key into the lock of her parent's apartment and padded silently into the dark entry. She let her bag and shoes fall to the ground with a heavy thump before heading to the kitchen to pull out a bottle of water and search for the bottle of pills she knew was hidden somewhere in the cabinet above the sink. She let out a sigh of relief as she finally grasped the container and shook a couple into her palm, throwing them back as she made her way out of the kitchen and down the hall towards the bedrooms.

"Katie? Is that you?"

Kate paused just past the closed door to the master bedroom and turned to see a glow coming from under the door.

Cracking the door open she popped her head in to see her mother sitting up in bed, reading glasses covering her eyes and book lying open on her lap.

"Hey Mom. Where's Dad?"

Johanna shrugged as she looked back at her daughter. "Working late at the office, again."

Kate glanced at the clock on beside table. "It's ten o'clock."

Johanna shrugged again. "It's been thirty-five years, Katie. I've gotten used to it. Some things never change."

Kate shook her head as she made her way across the room, crawling in the bed beside her mother to lay her head in the elder Beckett's lap, like she would when she was a child and had had a nightmare.

"Do you ever feel like he takes you for granted, Mom? Just assuming that you will always be there?"

Johanna let out a small laugh as she stroked her hand through her daughter's long hair, scratching her fingernails into her scalp, gently. "Your father wouldn't know what to do with himself if I weren't around and we both know it."

Kate let out a small laugh and nodded against her mother's legs. It was so true: her father would be lost without her mother. Then again, Kate would be lost without her, as well.

"What's on your mind, Katie?" Johanna asked gently, her hand resting against the younger woman's head, cradling it like she would when Kate was a baby.

"Mark took a position in Russia for a year. He just assumed that I would follow him out there. He didn't even ask me first. And to make matters worse, I have been offered a position at Columbia and I had been trying to figure out how to tell him. For years he has been saying how he's happy in California. His family is in California. How he doesn't want to leave them. I have been okay with that because I like it out there, too. I know how close he is to them. But this time I wanted to be here, with you and Dad, in this great position and I wanted it to be about me. I wanted my chance. I know that is selfish, but for once I wanted the chance to do what was best for me and he doesn't even seem to care. He didn't even stop to consider giving up Russia."

Kate paused as a tear slid down her cheek and she choked back a sob. "I just don't understand, Mom. Seven years we've been together. Why is it falling apart now? What changed?"

Johanna sighed as she ran her hand through her daughter's hair once again, comforting her as she cried.

"You changed, Katie," she replied softly. "Just in the past few days you've changed."

Kate stilled as she looked up at her mother, sniffling slightly. "What do you mean?"

Johanna smiled down at her. "If Mark had gotten this offer two weeks ago, what would you have done?"

Kate bit her lip, squinting her eyes to see through the remainder of the alcoholic haze. "I would have been thrilled. I would be in Russia right now planning for the new semester. I would have told Columbia, I'm sorry but I couldn't take it. I don't understand. What did this?"

Johanna nodded. "How many relationships have you been in Katie? I am not asking how many guys you've dated, I don't think I even want to know that number, but how many serious relationships have you been in?"

Kate stared up at her mother before she let out a sigh and replied meekly. "One."

Johanna continued to stroke her daughter's hair for a moment, debating her next words.

"Sweetie, have you ever considered that maybe Mark isn't the only man for you? Don't get me wrong, I love him- he is a good man and he loves you, no doubt and I know you love him, too. But you have always been a risk taker Katie, pushing life as far as you can. Living on your own term. These past few years you have stopped, you started to play it safe. Maybe safe isn't right for you."

Kate startled as she looked up at her mother, pushing herself up to sit on the bed next to her. "I haven't been playing it safe, Mom. I grew up. I can't spend my life riding around on motorcycles and blowing off school and work to take spontaneous road trips. I have a job and a life, a relationship. At some point you just have to stop being a kid and grow up."

Even as the words spilled out of her mouth she thought back to the comic book store and the superhero t-shirts she had been seeing the past few days. The game of keep away she and Castle had been playing with each other's ice cones. How they had both gotten brain freeze when they had tried to eat them fast enough to keep them from melting.

How he had wanted to kiss her on the floor of his office. The way her heart had began to pound in her chest.

Her eyes grew wide. He had wanted to kiss her.

No.

She loved Mark. She was in love with Mark even if she was incredibly mad at him at the moment.

Wasn't she?

But even as she pleaded her case both out loud, and in her head she heard that lurking voice. That ten year old girl in her that was squealing because she had felt a spark: that instant connection, that thrill of verbally sparring with another person and knowing that you would always come out on top no matter the result of the debate because you were battling that one person who made your life, your soul whole.

No. No, she would not do this. She was not in love with Richard Castle; most days she could barely stand the childish man. She loved Mark. She was in love with Mark.

"For the record, Mom. I don't know what I would do without you, either."

"Oh, Katie," Johanna replied with a sigh, tilting her head slightly as she brought a hand up to her daughter's cheek. "You, strong girl, would be just fine."

With a nod, Kate scooted slowly off of her parent's California King bed and padded her way to her room with a quiet good night.

Kate groaned as her phone chirped from the table beside her and she lifted her head slightly to look at the screen, her eyes shutting tightly closed as the pounding in her head became unbearable.

Never again.

She groped around for a moment, her arm flailing until it landed on a bottle of pills and she let out a sigh of relief. Her mother was a saint.

The phone chirped again and Kate rolled onto her back popping the painkillers into her mouth, washing them down with a swig of water. She let out a slight whimper and pressed the heel of her hand to her head.

Never, ever again.

The phone chirped a third time and Kate growled as she reached out to grab it, bringing it up over her face. She had five new text messages. The first three were from Mark begging her to call him. They needed to talk. The last two were from Castle.

Kate bit her lip and placed the phone back on the table, leaving the last two messages unopened as she rolled over to face the other side of the room. She shut her eyes once more and attempted to go back to sleep, her mind wandering over too many different situations that had taken place over the past few days; to the words her mother had spoken the night before. To how she had been laughing dinner the night before.

She let out a sigh and reached back with one hand, picking up the phone from behind her.

She could practically here the whine in his voice from the first text message complaining about how his head felt like a sledge hammer had mated with a jackhammer and their babies were dancing in his head. Followed by a little frowny face.

The second one had come only minutes later and had the single word Lunch? Followed by a smiley face.

She bit her lip and texted her reply.

The voices in her head began to argue again. One saying that lunch was fine and that nothing was going to happen. She wouldn't let anything happen. He was a friend, a much needed friends, someone that understood her. He would help her fly. The other was shaking its little imaginary head. This was a bad idea, she knew what he wanted and she was going with him anyway. She wanted it too; she wasn't allowed to want it. She would work things out with Mark and she just needed to let Richard Castle go.

Kate shook her head and swung her legs out of bed, padding over to the closet to pull something out from behind the stockpile of old prom dresses and childhood mementos.

She stared at her old motorcycle helmet, brushing a hand over the top of it, wiping away any dust that had accumulated over the years.

Her heart clenched in her chest as she felt the pain of loss and guilt gripping at her lungs and squeezing the blood from her heart, making the acid churn in her stomach.

The problem was that she didn't want to let go.