Back to Where We Have Never Been
A/N: Thank you all again for your continuing support. You rock, roll and rule. To all of you who have stuck with me since the beginning of this silly little AU idea I had, thank you so much for your continuing support. To those of you new readers, welcome! :)
Now, on to chapter 16! :)
Chapter 16
She didn't call him.
She had wanted to. She had picked up her phone countless times over the course of the past few weeks since Alexis has approached her in class but she had never been able to bring herself to dial.
"You should call him."
Kate growled as she flopped back onto the sinfully comfortable couch in her newly furnished, industrial-style Soho apartment. It had taken her a week after she had gotten back to New York to find the right furniture and even now it was sparsely decorated. She had been going to art markets and street fairs for weeks to find pieces of art and different accessories that said something about her: things with meaning.
She rubbed her face with her hands, covered her features with her palms as she blew out a puff of air.
"I don't need to do anything," she protested. "Ow!"
Kate pulled her hands down off of her face so she could glare over at her mother.
"What was that for?" She grumbled as one hand came up to rub the ear Johanna had just flicked a little harder than necessary.
"For being a smartass. I swear the two of you are perfect for each other in that respect."
Kate paused, her hand mid rub, as her eyes swiveled towards her mother. "The two of you, who?"
Johanna pushed herself off from where she had been perched on the coffee table and turned to quickly make her way towards the kitchen. "You want some wine, Katie? I feel like having some wine."
Kate lifted her head off of the couch, using her elbows to prop herself up as she swung her feet onto the ground so she could stalk after her mother.
"Mom, what did you do?" Kate questioned as she rounded the kitchen island, one heel of one hand resting against the cool tile surface as her finger tips tapped impatiently against the surface.
Johanna shrugged as she opened the cabinet and pulled down two of the oversized wine glasses, she had given her daughter as a house warming present, before turning to pull a bottle of Merlot off of the full wine rack. "Just have a feeling. You know how that goes."
Kate let out another small growl and crossed her arms over her chest as she pinned her mother with her best 'death glare'.
Johanna glanced over at her as she reached for the corkscrew and made a small humph. "Don't give me that look, Katie. I taught you that look."
"Mother…" Kate narrowed her eyes a little more, holding her glare steady.
"Katherine…" Johanna parroted back.
Kate's glare turned into a glower as the older woman proceeded to uncork the bottle, pour two glasses and place one on the counter in front of her daughter's crossed arms. Kate didn't touch the glass, instead she turned on her heels in a small circle, making her glare follow the other woman as Johanna made her way back around the island and towards the couch.
Johanna paused halfway to the couch and turned back to Kate, her finger pointing over her shoulder to the purple painting on the wall of a woman running through a warzone, holding a baby.
"That piece is beautiful and disturbing a the same time. Reminds me a little of you, Katie."
Kate didn't move from her glaring position, not allowing herself to be deterred by the change in topic.
Johanna glanced back over at her daughter and finally sighed, giving in with a shrug, as she lifted her glass to her lips. "We've been getting together for coffee or lunch every once-in-a-while."
Kate's glare fell and her body visibly deflated as she reached for her wine glass. "Seriously?"
"Why is that so bad, Katie? He's a very nice young man."
When Kate took a large gulp of wine instead of answering, Johanna continued. "The man has a map set up in his office covered in postcards from all over the world. Postcards that you sent him, by the way. Let's not forget that little fact. He obviously likes you and you like him. Why would you keep in contact that entire time and not want to see him now?"
Kate shifted from foot to foot, her arms wrapped around her middle as she stood awkwardly in the kitchen and avoided her mother's gaze; looking everywhere in the apartment except for the living room.
Johanna let out a deep sigh as she took another sip of wine and brought her fingers up to pinch the bridge of her nose. Her voice softened as she looked at her daughter. "What's going on, Katie? Why are you so scared?"
"I'm not scared," Kate scoffed, bristling slightly.
It was Johanna's turn to pin her daughter with the same glare Kate had tried to use on her earlier. Kate huffed as she turned to make her way back to the couch, wine glass in hand.
"That's not fair," Kate grumbled as Johanna's head turned, the glare following the younger Beckett woman as she made her way across the apartment.
Kate glanced over at her mother one last time as Johanna settled into one of the vintage-style chairs Kate had found a couple of days earlier.
"Fine," she finally relented, sinking back into the overstuffed sofa cushions, lifting the wine glass to her lips for one last sip of liquid encouragement. "It's because he has a freaking map."
Johanna let out a knowing hum, like Kate had just confirmed the theory she had had all along.
"We spent a week together and it wasn't even a romantic week. It was just two people working together and he made a map, Mom. That's…" Kate's voice trailed off and her eyes rolled to the ceiling as she shook her head.
"He likes you, Katie. He missed you. That's not a bad thing," Johanna argued gently.
Kate nodded absently and Johanna sat forward in her chair, her wine glass clasped in both hands, elbows resting on her legs, so the stem of the glass dangled between her knees. "Why did you send him the cards?"
Kate sighed and shrugged, earning another glare from her mother.
Throwing the other woman a look, Kate ran a hand through her hair and rolled her eyes down to study her own wine glass, still half full of deep red liquid. She twirled the stem a little and the fluid sloshed up, temporarily staining the glass.
She took in a deep breath and thought back to the first week she had spent in New Orleans, where she had decided to start her trek. It had been a place she had always wanted to visit, but had never gotten the chance. She had picked up the postcard on impulse, filling it out quickly as she had finished her cup of coffee, sitting at a table just outside the coffee shop, watching the people on the street walking by: making up stories about their lives. She had never done that before she had met him… written her own story.
She had mailed it before she could give it a second thought. It had been a selfish gesture, one that made her feel better for leaving without another word, to let him know that she was still thinking about him even if she couldn't bring herself to call: to make contact. This way was more impersonal and yet, more intimate. She would send a card whenever something reminded her of him. No, that wasn't true. She sent a card from each country, the first time something reminded her of him.
If she had sent a card every time, she would have sent thousands.
"Because I missed him, too." She confessed quietly. "It's just…"
She trailed off again as she tried to find the words to explain herself and Johanna reached over to clasp a warm hand on her knee. "I know, Katie. I know."
There were five minutes left in her office hours on the third Friday of the semester and Kate was looking forward to going home. So, when there was a knock on her door, Kate couldn't help the small groan that escaped her throat. Of her three classes, the Russian Lit and Comparative Lit courses were going smoothly, a little too smoothly. Unfortunately, it was the Popular Fiction course that was currently causing issues. She had just laid out the instructions for the first paper in class that morning and she, and her inbox, had since been flooded with a steady stream of emails and knocks on her door.
"Come in," she called without glancing up from her computer screen.
She heard the door creak open but only became curious enough to look up when no sound, apology or introduction came from the person standing there.
"Can I help…?" She asked as she finished her email and turned her chair around to catch a clear view of Richard Castle leaning against the doorframe. "You?"
"Rick…hi," she forced out, swallowing the lump in her throat as she looked at him, standing there with his arms crossed over his chest.
His eyes studied her face for a long moment, a ghost of a smile covering his lips. She could feel her skin start to heat up as he continued to stare, looking over all of her, from her longer hair to the light make up and collared dress shirt.
"So," he began, as he took a step into the office, making his way towards one of the chairs on the opposite side of her desk from her. "My daughter has this professor, who has been making her run around like a crazy person reading and analyzing countless books for weeks. Then, today, she comes home completely stressed out about this fifteen-page paper she has to write but refuses to tell me anything more. I tell her that this professor sounds like a complete sadist, but she defends this person, telling me that it really isn't that bad. So, I, as the loving, yet curious man that I am, sneak into her bag and pull out her syllabus to see who this heartless bastard is. Imagine my surprise when I see the name Katherine Beckett staring back at me."
Kate closed her eyes as she brought a hand up to rub her forehead, letting out a small sigh. "I, um, I was going to call you…"
Castle gave her a small tight-lipped smile and a nod in reply.
They sat in silence for a minute just looking at each other. It had been a year. A lot could change in a year; a lot had changed.
Castle sat back in his chair. "It's good to see you, Kate. You look good."
Kate dropped her head to stare at her hands playing in her lap, fingers twining together and twisting around, before lifting her eyes back up to meet his. A small smile flickered onto her face as she looked at him. "Thanks, Rick. So do you."
He did look good. His hair was a little longer, scruffier, his face a little fuller. The circles under his eyes were lighter, like he had been sleeping better. Kate stared at him for a minute longer, allowing herself to look at him in a way she hadn't been able to a year before, when she had been in a relationship. A lock of hair fell down onto his forehead and her fingers itched to reach forward and brush it back. His eyes flickered from grey to blue as they roamed around her office, taking in the books stacked on the shelves and the small knickknacks she had collected over the years.
Castle shifted back in his chair as his eyes continued to roam, stopping briefly at the line of Russian nesting dolls lined up on the top shelf of her bookshelf before drifting back to her desk. He leaned forward as he looked at the line of elephants parading along beside her computer monitor. He lifted his hips as he dug into his pocket and pulled out a dollar bill. Kate watched in amusement as he folded it lengthwise down the center and scooted forward another couple of inches so he could reach over and thread it through the curved trunk of the lead pachyderm.
Kate couldn't help but let a smile slip and Castle glanced up at her as he pulled back and settle into his chair once again.
"It's for luck…" he began to explain and Kate nodded at him, her eyes beginning a roll she forced herself to stop.
"I know, Castle," she said gently instead.
His face broke into an embarrassed smile, that Kate had to admit was at least slightly adorable. "Of course you do. They're yours."
Kate smiled at him and shifted in her chair, bringing her elbows up to rest on the desk, one of her fingers drifting over the back of the white elephant gently, petting it.
"So," Castle began again and Kate's eyes snapped back up to his. "How long have you been back?"
Kate sucked in a small breath, before she confessed quietly. "Stateside about four months. In New York about two."
Castle's eyebrows rose until they nearly disappeared into his hairline. "Four months? Jesus, Kate!"
Castle took in a deep breath to calm himself and Kate's eyes flickered to the open door as a throat cleared itself softly.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, Dr. Beckett," a voice started, and Castle spun around to see a small, blonde, young woman, dressed in a Columbia t-shirt with a paperback clutched to her chest, standing awkwardly in the doorway he had occupied only minutes before. "But I had a question about this past week's reading."
Castle turned back to look at Kate with an embarrassed grimace and she gave him a small tight-lipped smile in return as he pushed himself out if his chair. "I'll be outside."
Kate could hear the unspoken 'we're not finished' in the statement. She gave him another small smile and a nod before turning her attention to the student now standing slightly inside the doorway, stepping to the side so that Castle could slip by her.
Both women turned to watch as Castle disappeared down the hall.
"Was that…?" The girl, Angela, asked her voice still quiet, but now suddenly braver as she leaned forward, her thumb pointing back over her shoulder.
Kate gave her an indulgent smile. "Richard Castle? Yes."
Angela's eyes grew wide and she twisted her body around to look back out the door, her body leaning over so she could see down the hall.
"Oh my God!" She exclaimed as she turned back to look at Kate. "I love his books. The new one, Checkmate, is amazing. Have you read it? And he is so handsome. Do you think he would sign my book for me?"
Kate rolled her eyes at the freshman and motioned her to sit down, ignoring the fan girl outburst. "What questions did you have, Angela?"
The girl was giggling her way down the hall, her freshly signed copy of Checkmate clutched to her chest, as Kate slung her briefcase over her shoulder and turned to lock her office door. She spun her hand around her hair, pulling it down to fall over her other shoulder and turned to find Castle staring at her.
He stood from the bench, where he had been waiting for her, as she walked the couple of feet towards him. She stopped in front of him and raised her chin slightly to look at him, her lower lip drawn in between her teeth, arms crossed over her chest.
"Come on." She motioned for him to follow her as she turned to walk down the hall. "There is something I want to show you."
The trip across town was silent, except for the slight protest Castle put up when Kate insisted on taking the subway instead of a cab.
He followed her up the stairs of the subway station and down the street to a brick apartment building. He opened his mouth to ask what they were doing when she stopped to pull her keys out of her bag, but fell silent again as she opened the front door of her apartment and motioned for him to follow her inside.
Kate placed her briefcase on the counter and bent over to pull of her heels before turning back to watch him as he ventured slowly into the foreign area.
"This is your apartment?" He asked slightly redundantly and she answered with a nod.
He nodded back at her, his hands shoved in his pockets. "What did you want to show me, Kate?"
Kate held her arms out to the sides, in a silent invitation for him to look around. "This. I wanted to show you my apartment."
Castle stopped, confusion etched on his face. "I don't understand."
Kate took a step towards him, her arms crossing to tuck around her chest protectively. "This is the first time I've had my own apartment. I went from living with my parents to living with roommates to living with Mark. I've never been on my own, Castle."
She shrugged as her mouth lifted into a lopsided half smile. "I kind of like it."
Castle nodded again, his eyes falling to look at his brown leather shoes. "I get it. I'll go."
Kate eyes grew wide as he turned to walk back to the door. She took a couple of quick steps forward blocking his path. "Rick, wait. I'm not explaining myself very well. I'm saying I didn't call because I needed time to figure things out. Getting away was good, but it just let me push aside all of my problems. I ran from them. Being back here is forcing me to face them again, to figure out what I want."
She paused and ran a hand through her hair before looking back up at him, her chin forced to rise a little bit higher now that she was barefoot. "I'm not saying no, I'm not saying that I don't want to see you. I'm saying that I need to take things slow."
Castle rocked back on his heels as he regarded her, standing in front of him with her palms stretched out, facing him. He nodded his head slowly. He could understand that.
"Okay," he agreed softly. "I can do slow. Can I ask you to grab a cup of coffee with me, would that be slow enough? I would like to hear about your adventures."
A small smile graced Kate's face and she nodded back. "A cup of coffee sounds great."
The smile turned to a smirk as she got a mischievous glint in her eye and Castle's grin faltered. "And you can explain to me why you've been having lunch with my mother and that nice little sex scene on page 105."