Chapter 28

Stephenie Meyer owns it all. I am annoyed at myself for not doing a blanket disclaimer in the beginning.

Recap

"Holy Fucking Shit Bells".

To be honest, at that moment Bella wasn't sure what shocked her more; the Immaculate Conception that she had somehow managed to pull off or the fact that her very, very ladylike friend Rose had just sworn like a drunken sailor.

"Is holy fucking shit a good thing or a bad thing Rose?" Alice asked as she waited impatiently outside the stalls.

"No you dipshit, it is not a good thing. Holy crap Bella you're knocked up."

Bella walked out of her stall, as Rose walked out of hers. The offending plastic sticks were pointing downwards in her hands like a pair of flaccid penises.

Rose put her arms around Bella, Alice joining in.

"I'm so sorry Rose" Bella managed to squeak out.

"What are you apologizing to me for, honey?"

"I broke your lady-ness. My actions directly have lead to you swearing almost as badly as Alice." Rose and Alice laughed at Bella's sad attempt at deflection.

"Oh sweetie, you'd have to be knocked up with twins to make me swear as badly as Alice. Although, I can see the C-word becoming a component of my vocabulary."

Bella breathed out sharply.

"I suppose if I peed on more sticks I might get a different answer?" Bella was surprised at how weirdly calm she was. What were the stages of grief? That's right, it all starts with denial.

"Honey, this is two separate brands. Both have come up with double lines. Pretty certain you are screwed good and proper-like." This was Rose attempting to be comforting.

"Hey, at least your baby isn't a bastard. You were married before you conceived his devil spawn child." Alice was also attempting to be comforting.

"Judge Laurent is just going to love this. The bloody gynecologist must have been wrong. How the hell can I not remember having sex?"

"Edward is very tall and he has big hands and big feet. I would assume that he had a big penis that would have to leave a mark on anyone's vagina. I'm pretty sure that you managed to get pregnant from dry humping gone wrong." Rose and Bella now glared at Alice.

"Seriously? This is your supposition; she got pregnant from wayward dry humping?"

"Hey her vagina is intact, that's a known fact. He must have some very determined sperm with GPS."

"GPS, oh my Lordy Alice, this is your scientific reasoning?"

"Yes. Except GPS means Genius at Propagating Sperm. Bella's poor defenseless little egg didn't stand a chance." Alice was smirking.

"I like Guided Propagating System as the meaning of GPS myself, Rosie." Bella was now smiling a little herself.

"Um how about Go Procure Satan?" Rose offered.

The thing about being lawyers was their ability to think quickly on their feet. By the time they had managed to get themselves to Alice's car, they had come up with 27 inappropriate meanings for GPS.

Bella noted however that they had also managed to avoid the main problem. She was pregnant. With someone's baby that she wasn't supposed to have had relations with. By law.

And tonight she had to go and tell him. This was one fucked up situation.

As Alice dropped her off, Rose offered again to go with her and let Edward know the news.

Bella decided that she was probably better off not having the ball breaker with her when she completely ruined the man's life.

She made her way slowly inside as if in a dream and walked up the stairs. She had to leave in 45 minutes to get to his house. She spent 30 of those starring blindly at her wardrobe. What does one wear to tell your pretend husband that you are pregnant despite the fact you haven't had sex? Nope. Not one outfit in her wardrobe seemed to fit the bill.

So she chose her "I am a professional lawyer going over to my client's house to have dinner" outfit and rushed herself through a shower.

Glancing at herself in the mirror she noticed she did have a nice glow about her. Her cheeks were flushed from the shower, her hair a radiant mess around her shoulders.

She popped on her favorite lipstick and some mascara, and selected some comfortable kitten heels. She figured that at least she could run in these ones. Her skirt also had enough stretch in it for her to make some descent retreating strides out the door.

She called a cab, figuring quite rightly that she was already too wound up to drive herself and would probably be even worse by the time she broke the bad news to Edward.

She patted her non-existent belly and made some promises to it. One, she was going to keep it, obviously it had gone to a lot of trouble to be here. Two, she didn't really need his support, but it would be nice if she had it. He had a paternal side. She already knew this from how he interacted with Jake. She just wasn't sure how he was going to take this.

Bella paid the cabbie when she arrived and made the short journey to the front gate a very long one.

She pressed the intercom, which was a new addition to the outside of the home and waited for him to answer. She waved lamely at the small camera when he had answered and she ushered herself inside.

Edward was standing at the door waiting for her. He was barefoot, in some grey casual cargo pants, rolled up at the bottom, a loose white linen shirt with a few buttons undone at the top. She was way overdressed and business looking. And stiff.

Edward had an instant look of concern on his face, the psychologist in him picking up on her anxiety. He looked around outside just before he closed the door.

He put his arm around her and drew her close to him.

"Mmm this is nice." She was going to enjoy the last few minutes of their relationship before it hit bucket town.

He walked around to a polished timber cabinet and asked if she wanted a drink.

"Oh yes that would be lovely, can I have..." She wanted to say straight Canadian Club on the rocks and keep them coming. Instead she finished the sentence "...a lemonade please?"

"Whoa there! A lemonade Bella? Are you sure you don't want something harder?"

She gulped at him saying the word "harder". Yes she would like something harder, it had been her plan before the day went the way of the baby bassinet.

"Um, Edward I think you should sit down. I have something I want to say to you." She tried to sit properly on the chair that she had chosen. A nice wingback. It was handsome looking but decidedly uncomfortable. A bit like the conversation she was about to have.

"Bella, why don't you sit over here with me? That chair is all style and no substance; your back will ache in half an hour. I promise if you sit over here I won't bite."

"Oh okay, yes of course. You won't bite." She got up and walked over to the lounge chair that he was indicating. A three-seater. She wondered if he would mind if she sat just on the arms. That way she would be in a semi-standing position, perfect for when she made her fast exit.

"Bella you're white as a ghost, are you okay? Was there a problem with the gynecologist getting the information to Judge Laurent? I'm also not that pleased about the annulment. In my family we marry for life. Er, Bella, I'm kidding-wow, what's got you so wound up?" He leant forward and attempted to put his hand on her knee. She automatically flinched.

"Bella I'm sorry, have I done something? I know I can be an ass, I'm so sorry for the whole position that you are in. I resigned today from the station. Aro took it reasonably well considering the fact he is going to lose his star attraction next week. Well, he shouldn't have taken so long with the negotiations, I guess he thought I was going to screw up the whole 'good behavior' thing and I secretly think he already had a plan 'B' but was trying to make me feel guilty..holy cow you look bad Bella, can I get you some water or something?" Edward got up and started to walk towards the kitchen. Bella took this as her cue to start to unload her story.

"Rose swore today." Bella looked around the room trying not to focus on the pair of stunning eyes that she knew were worriedly looking at her.

"Pardon?" Edward sat down.

"Rose swore today. She said 'holy, fucking shit and a few other things. I think she said crap too."

"Ha! That's brilliant, I can't wait to tell Em. Between you and me I think he's smitten with her. He really enjoys riling her up and seeing how she reacts."

"Yeah, I think she enjoys that too."

"So she doesn't take losing well or something, is that why you're so skittish? What the hell made her swear?" Edward was practically bouncing in his chair.

"Well, the funniest thing happened today. I mean, it's not funny ha ha, it's more funny

absurd. Actually no, it's more strange than anything else..."

"Bella, are you planning on telling me what happened anytime soon because you're babbling and it's a little disconcerting."

"Ok, yep babbling. That's funny, because that is what babies do. They babble. A lot. And poop as well. And get you in trouble with Judges who you thought you weren't in trouble anymore. Maybe something bad will happen to Judge Laurent, like he gets eaten by wolves or something, because that would be excellent, because then I don't have to turn up to him and say, hey Mr. Judge dude I totally got knocked up with the client I was supposed to be supervising. Yep, so what do you think about that?" Bella thought she had done a good job. That went well. He wasn't yelling or anything.

"Um Bella, can you say that in English because all I got was a story about wolves eating Judge Laurent and knocking and supervising?"

"Oh for crying out loud, I'm pregnant, up the duff, knocked up etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."

Edward, for the first time that she could remember went really quiet. His rather large eyebrows furrowed together and his jaw clenched and unclenched.

The door bell went off at that time, startling them both.

"It's the food" Edward said in a deadpan voice. He walked to the door, pushing the monitor and spoke with the delivery guy.

"Ok, so this is your green chicken curry, a seafood pad thai, prawn rolls, and vanilla ice cream, that comes to $58 man."

She saw Edward getting out some bills, far more than was needed to pay for the meal and delivery. As the order was placed in his hands Edward snapped out of his reverie.

"I'm gonna be a dad. My wife is having a baby."

"That's awesome dude, er do you want change?" The delivery guy was bouncing up and down obviously wanting to make a quick exit before Edward changed his mind about the huge tip.

"No, it's all good. Er, thanks mate." Edward didn't even wait for the reply; he just shut the door in his face.

"Plates, I'll get some plates." Edward walked towards the kitchen.

Had she just heard him tell a random stranger that his wife was having a baby? Did that mean he was okay with this? She nervously walked to the kitchen to give Edward a hand.

"No I don't need your help. Shouldn't you be lying down with your feet up or something? Isn't that supposed to be good for babies or your circulation?"

"You are taking this surprisingly well." Bella retreated to one of the stools at the breakfast bar. Maybe this wasn't going to be so hard after all.

"Well, you know I've had a lot to deal with in the last few months. I mean I have a wife who I didn't know I had for a while, and we apparently have a very legal and validated marriage that I don't recall consummating and now we are having a baby who again I don't recall actually making. So yes, maybe in a few weeks when my brain processes this I will have a meltdown, but for now it seems to be beating along the same weird path my life is taking. So I thought we hadn't, um, done the, um, you know, we didn't have sex to make the baby."

"Well the gynecologist says no we didn't have, er, we didn't physically do the penetrative type act, but Alice, and I don't know why I am even saying this out loud, is suggesting that we may have dry humped successfully. That and your sperm have GPS and are very determined to succeed." Bella giggled a little. This was ridiculous.

"Champion sperm?"

"Yes, Champion and determined sperm."

"I will take that as a compliment. So, are you happy about the baby?. Our baby. I mean is there going to be a baby?"

Eye avoidance is an art unto itself, Bella decided.

"Yes, but you aren't under any obligation. I can do this myself."

"I don't mind being obligated. I mean that sounded bad. I want to be obligated. I mean, this is okay, there isn't any problem on my end. So if you want to have this baby then I'm here for you. I mean, I'd like to get to know you better first, because we have done this the totally wrong way, we haven't even dated yet. Or had sex for that matter. I don't even know what your favorite color is. Or what your lucky number is. Or if you want to live next door to Jasper and Alice at the beach or in the country?"

"Well, I don't even know what your penis looks like."

They both laughed.

Thanks to the usual suspects, Teena and Elaine for Betaing and pre-reading. So glad a few of the people who read my drabble "The Undead Next Door" have come over to read this old story that I have been taking far too long to do.

I appreciate your reviews, it's such a buzz waking up to them of a morning.